/lit/ - Literature

>>3551528
But I enjoy it

Poetry is dead faggot

Unless it's alt-lit there is absolutely no point writing that shit any more

“That rat!” Mary declares, on instagram. She runs out of the Miami loft and into the Starbucks across the street. She google images “beach” on free wifi and orders a latte from an app attached to her member's card.
The black BMW pulls to a stop in front of a smooth marble building labeled “INFO-TEP”. A valet in velvet opens the door for Chase, David and David.
“Welcome to our Convention” he says, wearing a hat. David grabs Chase by the arm and they speed-walk through the glass double doors into a carpeted hallway filled with silicon valley socialites mingling. The lights turn off and deep bass fills the room. Everyone cheers.
Mary is crying in Starbucks.
Chase is lead onto the stage. David takes off his shorts and David and him station themselves to his sides. They lift him by the arms so his feet dangle off the ground: a crude, naked allusion to Jesus on the cross. The presentation starts behind them.
Thick, steel “TIN-X 3” slams down into the projected void and a roaring synth plays. Everyone cheers. The letters explode into fully procedural clouds with voxel shading. Chase's figure is cast into the sky and “Shadow Rendering” is murmured throughout the crowd. A balding man with dilated eyes in cargo shorts runs up to the stage. He stands catching his breath loudly into the microphone as David leads Chase off stage and into the black BMW.
“Our gateway into the literal brink of upcoming digital frontiers”
David thanks Chase for his time and kicks him out of the black BMW with his shorts. Chase leaves the boardwalk with tears in his eyes. He boards a plane back to New York. While in a line, he asks Mary for forgiveness on her facebook wall. While flying through the sky at 30,000 km/hr in a cramped steel container shirtless in neon shorts and new balance trainers, Chase receives her reply via twitter.
Sobbing in his seat: “So then it is now a new chapter will begin.”

2/2, cheers.

Post your poem


Mary is crying into the telephone.
“Why would you delete me from your facebook?” she asks Chase, who is on a flip-phone walking down Venice beach.
“Yeah? Hey—leave it to me” he says, flipping his flip-phone shut. The sun reflects off Chase's sculpted chest. It's clear he oils.
A black BMW pulls up to the beachfront. The driver in a black suit and bluetooth steps out and stands by the door. Two men in the back with white iPhones leave onto the sidewalk. They're both named David.
Chase is peering at the ground through the camera of his flip-phone. He sends the photograph through instagram with a caption reading “@thebeach #socal #cars #beach”. A bag is put over his head. Chase is lead into the black BMW by the two men carrying white iPhones.
Back in the Miami loft, Mary has left the house phone sitting on the nightstand by the balcony view of downtown. She's in the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet. I think she might be pregnant.
Chase's photo of a broken beer bottle in the sand is at 16 likes when David takes the bag off. He looks around the shining black leather interior and from one David to the other. They are wearing black suits, their eyes are hidden behind sports sunglasses and their white iPhones are placed in their laps.
Chase scratches his head, “What is it?”
“We're taking you in,” says David.
“But what did I do?” says Chase.
“Oh? This isn't on you,” David says.
“No, just time and place,” says David, putting his hand on Chase's shoulder.
“Well, okay.”
Chase looks down to his neon shorts and bronze legs. The hairless skin is stretched taught by toned muscles. Seeing this makes him feel good, but he doesn't feel that good.
1/2

>>3551534
>30,000 km/hr
You don't know what a kilometre is, do you? Try cm/h.

>>3551534
>>3551531
While I enjoy the attempt to fit something solely of our time into your writing, the hashtags and @s really don't translate too well. The drama of the ending is diluted by the twitter reference.. sorry. It's a huge part of our world but it's still a trivial matter and doesn't fit in literature.

>Anchored above the Star
“You know, if we talk any longer we might lose the entire craft. Speed up the pulses; time is not on our side and she’s a mad bitch.”
“It will take twenty more frequency-crescents to reach the docking bay. With all the debris floating around, hell, I ain’t going any faster than twenty.”
The captain sat at her controls. Jimmy is right; there is too much debris to clear a faster path. Across the scattered ringlets of space terra and solar metal, the satellite-craft lay shattered above Sirius. The reports said it was rogue asteroid, sling-shotted from far in the nether. The crew of the craft had no way of scanning the darkness behind Sirius. They were anchored above the star, swinging at whatever may come.

critique away!

>>3551531
>flip-phone shut
>peering through the camera of his flip-phone

Ok. Bad writing and that massive error throws the entire thing off.
>led.
i stopped. Its bad, and the modernism reflects no real intention on the lead characters. In fact you haven't described anything of them personally and relevant to the actual purpose of the poem.
Who is the narrator if Chase is in third person and so is Mary.

>>3551558
>The drama of the ending is diluted by the twitter reference
That's the point. And I was incorporating social media throughout the whole story, it didn't come from nowhere. If you thought it was a dumb punchline, I'd agree.
Or just using the shitty airplanes/cars are speeding hunks of steel joke.I honestly looked up the louie ck skit on youtube to try and steal humurous sentence structure. Obviously it didn't work out.

I don't understand how you've come to decide it's not okay to explore specific things in literature.

>>3551547
No. Could you give me a more accurate estimate? Nevermind, I'll just google how fast airplanes go.

Thanks for reading.

>>3551601
Oh boy, it's this idiot again. At least you managed to understand that it's impossible to shout over instagram.

To whom it may concern, you are reading the suicide note of Richard Stalker Jr, though I think that calling it a suicide note may be a bit of a misnomer, as the function of a note is to let your friends and loved ones know the reason for your decision and hopefully offer some minute detail of emotional relief. With the exception of my mother who cares little for me, I lack family. As for friends; my life has been one simply filled with acquaintances. I now find myself ending this short life of mine in a foreign land where the locals do not even know my name. Instead of a note let us call it a cautionary tale; the moral of which is to reaffirm the old idiom of ‘let sleeping dogs lie’.
I shall tell this story from where I deem the true beginning to be, and I implore you to read the whole thing, no matter the length. And for your own good please ignore the crack in the wall.

The best place to start is three months ago, which would have placed the date at October 12th 1898. I received a letter from his university dated a week prior, and I learned that my father had been found dead in his office with his old pistol in his hand, a gunshot to the temple. It was a clear suicide, and a note had been found on his desk;

‘While I do fear the Christian punishment I may be going to by following through with my plans, but knowing of the horrors which exist in this world I cannot go on. I can feel my mind slipping away. –Richard Striker Sr’

>>3551601
Something like 700 km/h, I think.
Km=1,000m=10,000dm=100,000cm=1,000,000mm
1mile=1.6Km.
3'4"=1m
1"=2.5cm

>>3551581
> time is not on our side and she’s a mad bitch.
No.
Everything after
>Jimmy is right; there is too much debris to clear a faster path.
is complete gibberish. None of it makes any sense whatsoever.
This could be 2deep4me symbolism, but even then it is poorly written.

>>3551624
Military turboprops cruise at 350 mph (560 km/hr)

>>3551609
There's a comma. How do you think I should word it?
Mary is browsing through instagram on her smartphone and she sees Chase's new post and she looks up (at nothing in particular) and declares (to not anyone really), "That rat (Chase)!"

I originally had on instagram in paranthesis. I usually use a lot of paranthesis but they were too visually distracting and I couldn't find a good symmetry so I didn't use it here.

I don't think it's very good, I know the story is lopsided and stupid. I wrote it for a creative writing assignment and then I extended it to include that whole Info tep part at the beginning of class because it wasn't long enough.
But you're repeatedly misinterpreting it, the only thing I'm getting out of these comments is that I'm not being clear enough.
I mean, I'm sure a lot of it is your preconceptions and taste but I'm definitely an awkward writer and if I know if I wasn't it wouldn't be so hard to tell when I'm writing shitty intentionally or I'm just writing shitty. But I've no intention to unironically write a goddamn suicide note, though I guess that may be a bit of a misnomer.

>>3551671
>I usually use a lot of paranthesis
Erm, if it wasn't clear, that extended sentence was me taking the piss, not an example of how I'd use parenthesis.

It'd be even more obtuse and idiotic, like "I'm going to slp(ee)."

OP here, just typing up that poem now. Keep posting stuff guys!

Anniceris sat in the square, Hegesias by his side
Who pierced the sultry summer air, with a question aimed at life
"What cares do you have for your sons, when to my words they leap
No calming air nor sweetened breeze, can ease the woes they keep"

Anniceris had heard enough, and to his friend he posed
A wager set 'tween God above, and Hegesias below
"If it's truth you do espouse, of worthless life you speak
May your pen pour out great gouts, and redden soon these streets
And if when sun dispels the dusk, we find Rome returned to Earth
My kingdom will be yours to keep, and all its Godly worth"

And with their pride and persons set, as both did face their fall
Anniceris went unto a crate, and said 'Come one, come all!'
The denizens of rome appeared, and stood entranced in awe
And with the ink still wet on parch, Hegesias purveyed all

'Dance now children to the end, Dance 'till souls go soft,
Our God has left us to his child,
He once did hold aloft."

The night fell dark, the Angel's wept, the blood of Rome did seep
And through the dark a demon came, and faced the stars at East
Anniceris awoke alone, with death stale in the air
And looked upon the corpse of Rome, and failed to shed a tear
Instead his words rang like an arrow, through cold decaying air
"Hegesias make for the courts, and I shall meet you there"
And two minds met amid the death, two privy to the dawn
Anniceris gave all accrued, to the wager did he fall

But Hegesias was merciful, and to his friend returned
The wager, winnings and the work, for which the Romans burned
And 'Death By Starvation' lives on in verse, and dies as did its core
With Hegesias the wisened sage, who Rome let speak no more.

>>3551962
OP here, that's my poem. Anything good or bad appreciated from you guys.

>>3551962
Anything guys?

"Crane your neck a bit. I want to see you in the moonlight," I said to her. Just outside the window the orange hue of the streetlights permeated the otherwise picturesque glow of the moon, and her coal-black hair fell in front of her shoulders like a black lace, standing out even among the dark. Those two deep green eyes were visible though. With their usual hint of a smile beneath them, and her lower eyelids almost hugging her pupils. "No use. Streetlights are ruining it," I told her, and the smile broadened, and the eyes flared in the dark, and she fell onto my naval in the bath, sending small splashes of water over the edge and generally rocking the two of us in our naked connection. I rested my head on the sill of the bath, still admiring her. The water was lukewarm at best. "I think I saw someone looking at me in the street," she said, with feigned modesty. "Let him fucking look then, it's not often you see something like that for free," I cooed. She knew I was full of it though, always had done and always will, but still afforded me a smile, and as she leaned over me I couldn't help but reflect on the love I felt as my mind was cleansed of all sexual intentions. Her cunt was sat on my naval in the most care-free way but sex was the last of our cares. Her breasts hung, wet with beads of water and perspiration, but still my eyes were fixed in hers. And she brought her head lower, and those black locks settled around my face, and I was at last utterly immersed in her presence as we lay face to face, hearts gently caressing each other, isolated from the world but for each other.

>Only thing from my 56k+ novel that I feel comfortable posting, and pretty sure it's shit. Lemme know if you'd like to see more. You won't.

There are numerous benefits to using the same rifle for nearly a decade of your life. Familiarity with firing recoil, magazine capacity, barrel length, overall weight. Even after only months of firing the same gun over and over again, you begin to pick up on the once imperceptible and innaccurate directions that a bullet will stray towards as it leaves the barrel of the rifle. Not just for the first shot either, but for the second and for third and so on. Strongly acquainting yourself with a weapon means knowing precisely where your shots will go before you pull its trigger. A decade of getting to know a rifle makes it not just a weapon, but an extension of one's body. Che views the term 'arm' as a significantly accurate description for his XM8. The primary benefit of romantically getting to know a rifle though, and the one Che is about to exhibit, is the ability to line up a shot before even getting your fingers around the pistol grip and the rifle's stock jammed securely against the front of your shoulder. 'Ghost-drawing', he's affectionally taken to calling it: Predeterming where your bullet will go through awareness of windspeed, distance, and objects between you and your target. Firing your weapon before firing your weapon.

>>3552235
I quite liked it but it seemed very factual, as though it were non-fiction. For a brief moment it seemed an immersive piece of prose and then it sort of becomes too informative and formal.

>>3552265
>between the character conversing* with** an antagonist

>>3552246
>Hmm, I place this paragraph as a break between the character seeing an antagonist, and it's supposed to act as a buffer before he fires his rifle at said antagonist. It's to act as a sort of shared narrative between the character and the narrator. Here's the paragraph(and the closing of the chapter) directly after it:

Che watches Bolzen in silence and counts down from sixty. He sees his brother's jaw moving as moonlight softly passes through the inside of the mech's canopied window pane, painting his form as a darkened silhouette. He notes the whipping winds slapping him across his cheekbones that pushes into the food court from the now open face of the skyscaper's side. Gray dust particles gleam as tiny white orbs as they pass through the moon's illumination. They waft and whip about as the wind gusts and depresses at a steady pace, reminding Che of the pumping of a heartbeat. Behind him, in the dark shadows untouched by the pale light from outside, small scratches and the sharp tumbling of empty tin cans emanate; Bolzen's jaw tightens back into a smile at the noise. Che draws a long breath through his chapped lips and his eyes darken over Bolzen's chest which sits unexposed and is begging to be pumped with anti-personnel rounds moving at nine-hundred meters per second.
Bolzen finishes with his response and states finally, "Yes, for disease such as you, it is best that you be 'stamped out.'"

>Thanks for reading and the input!

>>3551528
www.therudehaiku.com

Bam! Relevant poetry

>>3551962
Wouldn't mind anything on this

>>3552212
This is pretty damn good stuff. Is it from something longer?

>>3552277
Just something I wrote off the cuff about a girl I'm mad for. Thanks for that though!

>>3551962
Take this down. It's way too fucking well written and goddamned beautiful to be posted anonymously on /lit/.

I know not enough about poetry to give a proper critique, but Jesus, man. Amazing word choice and fantastic flow. I'll save my interpretations as they are my own, but I will say I loved it.

>>3552286
Also, made me feel like not writing.

>>3552286
>>3552277
Man you two guys are after making my fucking day with those two reviews! Thanks guys. /lit/ has always been good to me for the pick-me-ups.

>>3552290
Seriously good stuff man. I was in a funk today with my writing, but after reading that I've got the passion to make this shitty chapter I'm working on actually worth a damn. Thanks for posting.

Saving that to my computer if that's alright with you. For accreditation, what should I put your name down as? If you wanna email it, shoot it here: matthewpierce86@gmail.com

>>3552313
I'll email you. Thanks for the encouragement.

The indigo cartel,
Erase us.
Sloping up-under on
Cliffs of Lesbos.
As our brows
Were made hot by
Treasured vixens in-
Carnival moods.

Cautioned, we wandered
In porthole principalities,
King, queens - rough granaries,
Muttered diathrambically.
Answers to problems
Posed by pure, white
Cypriot suns.

Shenanigans.
Orpheus buried,
Head and lyre.
Your sisters play
Miles
Davis, for cardigans.
By the fire.
And we, incessantly thrusting,
Inch-
Toward something.

My
Chromosome symmetry-
Your maudlin (my roguery)
Our gasping – infrequently,
That haberdash lechery
I mean balderdash-
Primarily.

Fat Sappho grasped
Greedily for
Land to “mine”
Presently – unless
He knows envy, see
Crimson, sea ruby, we
Part: tenderly.
And then,
Cum: Biblically.


So,
Nietzsche was in the room
When you let down your - 'her'.
For a moment,
Lady-like
“Like, 'like'.”
And amor fati was a slight,
But you know,
Cosmos -
You were always unbearably light.

>>3552354

By the way, I'd be interested to hear what people think this is 'about' as well as any critical feedback. I wrote it with the intention of performing it at a slam - I have to do one, I'm hosting the event - and I don't want it to be too obscure or cryptic.

>>3551962
This, dear fellow, is beautiful. The metrum is flawless; intentional or not, I like the part at the beginning, "What cares do you have for your sons", where you break the rhythm, which might imply the uncertainty Anniceris is dealing with those woes. A lot of other marvellous parts, definitely something I would enjoy reading (and I usually prefer prose over poetry).
If anyone else (perchance OP himself) is here, would anyone care for a short review of a story I started working on?

>>3552367

I'm not OP, but I'd happily take a look. As much as I like poetry, short stories are my thing.

>>3552367
I failed. I actually meant another part, the "What cares do you have..." was about something else. But I forgot both the other part and what I wanted to say about the first part. It's late, and I got it mixed up.

>>3552394
It's probably gonna be a bit longer, maybe at novella-length, but here we go, a short excerpt:

"Sic est", he thought affirmatively, whilst pondering on his comrade 's statement. It supposedly was more en passant rather than carefully thought out, but nonetheless fitting. 'Telemachos' - to describe the ever so self-involved, introvert persona of a man who, once great, descended a steep path into despair. Deeply perturbed, reliving the abhorrent sight of a lifeless body, once his beloved father, not more than a heap of blood-vacant flesh dangling by a thread - a rope woven from a thousand omnipresent depserations, an innuendo - a piece akin a sob, a tail like a stab, a single cold-staring eye's gaze pending over the room in a soul-piercing, almost sword-of-damoclesesque manner. 'Telemachos' - only that bearing the same burden, belligerent ad infinitum, missent and -guided ad absurdum; the undivine parent was not to return to his progeny, his one earnest companion the seafarer Charon, making even the last renitent waves cease surging up against the father's will - ' Θνητὰ φρονεῖ! Θνητὰ φρονεῖ!'('Thneta phronei' - 'remember your mortality') - as they splash against his face; eyes so full of purpose, the determination to disembark from finitude - 'φρονεῖ! φρονεῖ. φρονεῖ...' - the echo from the walls, in a final attempt to save what is saved already; the man, unmoved in firm posture, his ardent eyes still fixating what lies beyond his path.
- Y'know they found a note stuffed in his mouth?
The Teller straightened his stiff arms in an effort to stand up, not interrupting his soliloquy.
- Tucked under his tongue,huh... weird fella.
The note. A veiled, barely notable smirk crept up, a shadow of a crease in the skin reaching from his right nostril to the edge of his lips. The note. A grosteque canto, the horrid final stanza; a tragic ending to what turned out to be a futile odyssey.

>>3552418
A bit on the background: At the moment, you're inside the head of one of the people. That particular guy happens to drift off a lot, and get fully engulfed by short thoughts or statements in an unearthly stream of counsciousness kind of manner.

>>3552418

Frankly, I wouldn't be able to read much more of it. I understand that you're being clever about people being clever, but you're being too clever about it. If I had to guess, I'd say that it's the work of a strong mind that's yet to find an appropriate voice.

>>3552418
Things to look up
>Sic est
>en passant
>Telemachos

The one allusion I did catch felt very forced and unnecessary
>gaze pending over the room in a soul-piercing, almost sword-of-damoclesesque manner.

I think that you google translated a quote into greek then a translation into latin and then into english *for a soliloquy* demonstrates the unnecessary obscurity of your prose.

The last section about the note was very annoying to read.

>>3552449
You hit the nail on its head, I suppose. I imagined him as someone who is so caught up in this vast inner existence and monologue that he barely ever actually says something; a theme I'll be trying to pursue throughout the whole story, I'm really thankful for the criticism though, cause I really wouldn't want people to not want to read my work because of that.

>>3552470

With that attitude, I'm sure you'll eventually produce something great.

>>3552354

Could anyone give me a (quick) response to this? Mostly interested in the clarity of it.

Happy to offer constructive criticism of your work in return. Cheers.

>>3552463
I can see where you're coming from, with the whole unnecessary obscurity. I, however, did not use google translator - I've been studying Latin and Ancient Greek (both language and culture) for a couple of years now, but that's not the point. Even though I cannot deny that this had a heavy influence on the character in question, that's what the character's like. When you're reading that particular passage, you're not supposed to read it in great detail, like when you're having a thought in your head, and you're done thinking that single thought out, but haven't quite translated your thoughts into words. It's kind of hard to create such an image with just words, which might be why I overdid it a bit.

Latest passage I just put down for my novel.
It's a hard break in the usual narrative, explaining how the world was directly after this apocalyptic event occurred.

>Older generations can still recall the chaos that enwrapped the air of the Plate's early beginnings. They tell stories of living everyday in hopeless fear, rubbing their eyes in exhaustion as they sat motionlessly, watching on as massive cranes towering high above all that existed assembled thick girthy pillars of steel and blackened iron at a mind-numbingly methodical pace. People starved, and people died. People covered themselves in cardboard boxes and burned the clothes of their loved ones for just one night of a true flame's warmth. People beat and raped each other out of frustration and anger and fear. Laid in their own filth and excrement, they wordlessly wondered what it was that made them so different from the savage beasts that roamed the world outside the walls of their safe haven. NatGov's Military Police explained it to them in their vague manner. Patrolling the small confined and claustrophobic shanty towns that surrounded the base of the pillars, they set perimeters around sections of the town one at a time. They'd drag families out of their homes and checked their pulses and their pupils. The frightened masses would stand there trembling in fear as NatGov appointed doctor's examined them, praying to whatever Lord or God they believed in to not be marked across the forehead with those dreaded red dry-erase markers that proclaimed to all the public to see: "NSPE Dilution." "You're afflicted." "You're one of them." "You're a Mark." Those marked would scream out in defiance and be forced to the ground by the MPs whose eye's were always filled with grief and anguish as they forced the barrel of their guns into the base of these men, women, and children's heads and pulled their triggers. Tears and suicide became the human culture, and the world of Old was quickly lost in the ether of memories.

>>3551962
>Anniceris went unto a crate, and said 'Come one, come all!'

not sure if you really care but the meter is slightly off in this line.

>Instead his words rang like an arrow, through cold decaying air

sounds good at first but the more i thought about it... arrows don't ring. are you trying to allude to war here? this was the only part the bothered me... but its a great poem. also, i would have preferred that anniceris get burned for fucking up... but thats me and the fact that i thought about it shows that the poem did its job

>>3552545
World has pretty much reestablished itself to the point where technology has even progressed passed where it was before everything fell apart--to the point where the book has some pretty light sci-fi tones. This is more or less part of a recollection of how the world was at the beginning of rebuilding.

>>3552527
Hm, the first impression I get from it is that it's about sex. But it's a tough one to crack. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that the act is an allegory to something, I just can't wrap my head around what it might be at the moment (due to it being 1:30 AM over here). Maybe I'm reading a bit too much into it, but it seems good so far. Quite laden with allusions as well, but they seem to work.

>>3552538
Well I think its aesthetically interesting, the greek is what caught my eye to read the passage but it doesn't really make sense. Quoting latin verbally, but not switching written languages.

I think you could be informed by greek culture and push the feeling and ideas without needing direct references, but I don't know what your overall intentions are with the work so take from it what you will.

>When you're reading that particular passage, you're not supposed to read it in great detail
Yeah I know, but a lot of the concepts being pulled from sources I wasn't familiar with pulled me out of it. The only impression I was left with was a short man in a cheap costume and a sparsely decorated set lit tastelessly existing with no self-awareness.

>>3552567

I forgot to mention the title of the poem, 'Lesbos', which should make the meaning a bit clearer. Thanks for the response, anyway!

>>3552586
You're welcome; it indubitably does. Did you happen to take a look at the thing I posted earlier? The one with the latin start.

>>3552545

I know I'm doing your writing a disservice, because it's far from awful, but while reading it I kept thinking 'screenplay'. Literary flashes, like the final sentence, place it squarely above that standard though.

>>3552599

I did, I'm >>3552449, sans accidental trip.

>>3552603
You maybe it's because this section is written as a type of Foreword that precedes the second major section of the book? I definitely see what you mean, sometimes it comes off as I'm more so just explaining things to the reader than engaging them--which I hate.

I'll try and make this section more emotionally engaging than lore-vomit, but I think I can only do so much. I really want to scrap to two Forewords of the book altogether, but my author friend is telling me I should keep them in so that it ends up being easier to publish. I think I might be getting better at melding the emotional narrative with the expository. You'd laugh at how atrocious the opening foreword of the book is.

>>3552631
You think* maybe it's

>>3552616
Alright, thanks a bunch. Absolute (chosen) anonymity does have both up- and downsides. A downside being the inability to properly discern between one and the other. Although I'd definitely choose that over blindly following everything one particular person does (i.e. the twitter phenomenon).

>>3552631

Oh, well if it's serving that sort of narrative function then it's totally excusable!

As I indicated, I felt there was clear promise weighed down by expository necessity. Regardless, I'd still like to see what follows, so it works.

>>3552640
(not him) that was post was incredibly not clairvoyant.

>>3552678

>(not him) that was post was incredibly not clairvoyant.

>>3552678
Yeah, It's definitely time to go to bed. Thread was enjoyable.

>>3552671
Well that's a relief to hear.
Actual prose and plot development in the book is much more in-depth and takes you right behind character's minds and eyes. With these two forewords they're supposed to act more as recollections of the past. I hate to have them in at all, but hopefully if I do it well enough they'll be accepted by the reader.

Really happy to hear some positive feedback though. Nothing is more pleasing to hear than someone saying they want to keep reading. And you pointing out what you liked in the Foreword really helps me understand what I need to integrate in the opening chapter of the book so that the reader remains enraptured from the onset.

>>3552671
>>3552702
And thanks bunch!

>>3552705

Just the thread I was looking for.

Wrote this a while back and was getting some block on it.

I know it needs to be more detailed, however this is what I have..
Thank you.

I'm not going to start this off with some backround story, or say that I regret what I did, because honestly I don't.
You walk around, unknowing what is going on around you, with people who crave, lust, to torture you. I'm not talking about murderers or psychopaths, they're not even really people. Just suits of flesh.
Don't be fooled, they're smart. Smarter than us, however, I was lucky enough to outsmart and hopefully outrun them. For now.

I'm writing this in hopes that it will pass along the web and help whoever reads it.

The first step is:
1) Identification.

It's not very hard if you take the time to look for tells, signs like a poker player would.
I think that's why I was able to see through her antics.
By her, I mean my girlfriend, Stacy.
She was one of them, and a high ranking one at that.
They're organized throughout the world.
I'm assuming they have been for some time now.

We had been dating for roughly 7 months.
I honestly don't remember because we were high most the time.
I had weed, she enjoyed it, so we had a mutual interest that lead to our relationship.
Luckily, her addiction allowed me to kill her easily.
I say addiction, because somehow, unlike us they are addicted to basic things. Water, weed, girlscout cookies, just fucking sit, watch, and you'll see. It varies on the suits.

After 3 months, I noticed she was getting more and more strange. Now that I have been introduced to this nightmare, I see how fucked up she really was.

>>3552756
From my dog Duke being mysteriously killed by "coyotes" even though he slept in my room at night, to our sex life. She was a God fearing girl, loved animals and shitty movies, but, her fantasies and fetishes were...strange.
She enjoyed electrocution, and being burned.
Now, I'll admit I helped her achieve these fantasies, not proud of it, but I did.

I would find her at night staring at the TV static, somehow that turned her on.

It's things like these that I slowly noticed.

That TV static is their tell. I've noticed that TV static is like an update for a computer for them. Every week, once a night, she would sit there and we would have sex, but she would never take her eyes off the TV. They die like anyone else.

Basic things can kill them, from gunshots, to knife wounds, infection and cancer. However, fire...fire does not.
I don't know what it is. Suits just thrive on fire. There was a house in our neighborhood that had an electrical fire about 4 months back.
Driving by, I noticed the mass amount of people just standing, looking at it as if it was a fucking circus show.
I think it may have something to do with the massive amounts of energy fire gives off.

So, start to watch people closest to you first. Become distant and watch their habits, static, fire, addictions to everyday objects.
They are not easy to catch, so I hope to God you can notice them.
When or if you think someone you know may be a Suit, I've come to find that loud, consistent noises stun them for some time.
Kind of like chloroform, they pass out. That was how I got her. We got high, then I turned the stereo to 11 and blasted Slipknot.
She fought it at first, thrashing around and I could see her eyes become black. Before she could fight it, she was out.

>>3552759
The second step:
2)Isolation

This is going to sound insane, but isolate yourself away from everyone you know. I'm talking about a new state, new name.
You can bring those with you whom you trust. Keep life as normal as possible.
If you come to notice them like I have, you become a target, but only that area. They don't leave their posts.

Never visit the same coffee shop, restaurant, or whatever in the same week.
Repetition is where they identify YOU. They pray on weak minded and the stranded.
Don't make small talk with strangers, don't make new friends, keep to yourself and identify them as much as possible.

You are now a soldier, a spy in a war nobody knows exists.
You will be chosen like I was, to do your best to rid the world of them.

Isolation is not just you, but them as well. They keep to themselves too.
Stalk them, kill them, move on.

bumpbump

I read a great poem so I wrote a good one. Maybe. Lemme know what you think.

"Lost Again"

and here I paint
upon my pedestal
ain't I quaint
am I the fool

and here I tap
on blackened keys
burnt fingers sap
my mind of ease

empty vessels
and laziness
unwinding spools
of endless rest

in dying machines
animated corpses
dance, along the seams
with purpose--

lost again
nostalgia

ethereal
the e-real

I play my role
dance my part and wear my masks
you pay my toll
too wise to ask

two and four and blue
and black and white and gray
is no more to you
than all I have to say

waves break upon the shore
as I sail these seas
I see
I speak with more Is than ease

bump

>>3551618

bad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyV_zExfj10

bumpin w/ dvorak for more sauce

there's a show this friday

Some soliders, UPON RECIEVING the YOG SUIT they could not hide their anticipation for the next madcap subtle kick!!!

"Yog suit becomes my heaving veins. I am now one of the maw. self-rolled. Where silence rides i laugh, lined in my tie. "Mmmph...*smack*..I'm made up of actions. bio-concern's. I am a syringe.....I am a blog? never could I in the long days of my old life have spotted lips underneath the pyschic centre cleft of my aunt itself?
It was like a sun image. I'm not pretentious, It's on File. some victim. i am of the maw. II am the maw. Maw. Mw. M."
Rolling her cleavage as coal. Dripping to the sections scrubbed daily by the rain since 1990. that anonymous FADE that comes after the glow. perceives HER behind golden appointments. mother-child signals hazily eeking out a presence through No.11environment conditions. Syrffrom concerns in a syringe..... blog? never could hold my piss very long. long, long lips.

>>3554510
i'd be more spontaneous if this thread wan't so neglected

Here's something from a couple years ago.

Once, I remember, Dad brought me to work in the evening. As he worked, I scribbled nonsense on sheets of meaningless graph paper. At five-thirty, the Dhahran mosque sang out its prayers into the navy blue night. To my ears that knew nothing of Arabic or Islam, I would always wonder what this incessant plainchant was. Words and music garbled together into anasemous noise. But, I was at peace. From my bed, I could always hear the Imam’s lullaby, but never had I been so close to the mosque at prayer time as I was at the office. All lit up in incandescent yellow that defied the encroaching night, with that blue-striped tower that stood tall on the little concrete island, the mosque serenaded the twilight. Every evening, for ten years, the azan lingered in the humid dim. At seven o’clock, it saw me off to sleep and resurrected me at five-thirty.

>>3554533
No

no

no

no

no

No.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AWUCYaHqqGOzkHd2zT5lzxT-fgcW2KqlQqFIy5-VyG4/edit

Criticism please

>>3554533
before not after
the thread reloaded
sorry

>>3554510
You're bad.

>>3554864

>the thread reloaded

Easily the worst of the 4chan film trilogy.

>>3551521

Nubile aspen sisters stood together, links outstretched and wrangling. Paths traced through the leaves when you let your eyes unfocus. Hellish monsters were born of bracken. Wind ran over the floor throwing up girlish half rotten leaves and leaving a sullen
sound of motion in its wake., Birds chattered incessantly, their water voices dovetailing about the accusative branches. Despite the white quiet sky, the earth was full of life. An infantry of twigs and deadness formed the greedy hands of a bracken monster at whose core there was lodged a shard of birch, inlaid with moss, black and sickly with age.The forearms rocked and idle twigs grated of the thirsty earth. adorned with linden leaves. Fallen trees waved pitchforks of spindly limbs upwards. Others lay on their backs and watched birds pass over them, content. Floury mushrooms gazed blindly from deadened stumps, and ants mounted the palisades of their rotten kingdom. Bruises, ochre, sand, cigarette burn, slime, all formed the tableau of the forest floor. Saplings appraised their neighbours with palms. Stones, or were they fish? - and tadpoles paraded honourbound in the stream, gulping a whisper. Twigs swapping underfoot, spoke unintelligibly Dying wood twisted its fingers into dogs and dragons. Bulletshaped buds aimed out of fingertips Sometimes I swear the ground moved, each leaf replaced a twig rolling an ich left, the everpresent miles-off stomping muting for a second, the birds turned off, beetles delved out of sight and noble stags steadily fled. Some exposed detritus had tusks, and others just bent in flow. The aquatic vocal chords of birds opened, and out poured steams. Like the office of a Morse code receiver, ruined and abandoned, sheets of curling birch bark marked dot dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot had been thrown about in the fury of a badger. Cancerous growths of moss hid the deeper wounds below.

If anyone is still here...

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1t56PFu5pcEGmf9KtCAdg6XquCFHGBj3n15of8Ic_qV0/edit?usp=sharing

>>3554936

You've almost got it. Overwrought to a fault, but there's some beauty in there.

>>3554948
Tnx!!! ::DDDD!!!
:DDD:D:D:::D:D:D::::D:DD!!!
I still don't understand this meme.

>>3554967

Huh?

interrupting whom when i say that
not a word about them the forevers
i read.
now a certain kind of life.
stunted.

an hour's grace,
a day for reflection.

trivial as two hours here,
stunted by immediacy.


can i go the countryside by foot with a large straw hat and a backpack,
and i won't plan on buying much but i'll have some money too
and at each missionary, built no more than a day's walk from the other,
i'll pour christened water over each hand before i enter.
there are different sections to the handle of the ladle.
…

>>3552759
This concept of Suits is rather interesting, and I think I'm understanding the somber, informative tone of the narrator. There might be a bit of snark. However, this really irked me.

>I would find her at night staring at the TV static, somehow that turned her on.
>It's things like these that I slowly noticed.

This seems like such an illogical thing for the narrator to say. Finding your girlfriend staring intensely at TV static is rather disturbing and not to be dismissed by "slowly [noticing]" other things. The contrast was just too awkward for me.

>>3554976
The:
>::DDD!!!

>>3555006

Guess I'm just thick, because I still don't understand what you're trying to point out. Wrong post maybe?

>>3554962
Woah. That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I love you.

OK, hope you guys enjoy this!
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9MXuN_1TvpNOHNyN19qQlNxeVU

>>3555854
Whoops wrong link.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IL_FA7qAWosHtRgMM-36nfZ8HvPclEJn9qpQQwgSJaY/edit