/lit/ - Literature

>>3276121
Yep, it's amateur.

Sophomoric, but it's not too bad for a first attempt.

"thou art"

thee is like me, him, her--it's an object.

Don't use words you don't know.

>>3276139
Then would you suggest replacing it with thou?

Also I replaced the word "upstaged" with "outshone." Also I tried to use "thee" and "thou" and others of that kind to the best of my ability. So if you can suggest a more correct usage of the words, please do.

Okay I corrected it. What do you think. I tried to correct the object and subject pronouns like thee and thou

My eyes automatically divert themselves away from this poem.
It's really weird, I've never had this happen before. Every time I try to look at the poem, my eyes force themselves to look somewhere else.

>>3276216
Lucky you. As soon as I maximized the poem I compulsively attempted to kill myself.
It's okay for a first attempt.

>>3276222
When I looked at it, only for a moment, I was overcome by the desire to kill myself, but then my girlfriend came in and I was okay again. She looked at it, only for a moment, then pulled a handgun out of her pants and shot the cat.WTF is this poem?

>>3276247
I wish my handgun could shoot cats. All it does is shoot bullets.

yep its a bad poem

get rid of the "thee" and "though" stuff, use your own voice. Like many anons said, it's not a bad first attempt at all, I could tell you were quite inspired when you wrote it. That's the most important thing, I think, it will make it a valuable keepsake for yourself - though I don't think that value can really extend to other people at this level. Keep at it though, even if it still is just for yourself for a while.

Also, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOswLpX8gPM

>>3276121
Change Notes font to Helvetica pls

>>3276121
Why do you attempt to write like people did hundreds of years ago?

OP, is there a reason you're using antiquated language?

Oh God, why do people do this, with poetry more than ANY other artform, it seems.

OP, how would you feel if someone came up to you and said "I've never taken guitar lessons, I've only heard a few songs, but I just composed this off the top of my head, tell me what you think?" That is exactly what you've just done with poetry. Do you read poetry outside of class? Do think about it; make a study of it? Are you familiar with any poetic forms,? Have you practised?

Odds are the answer to all of these is probably no. Why do people think that poetry is an exception? You wouldn't feel that way even about other sorts of writing. I don't want to tear you down, I'm telling you that what you've done is the equivalent of a kid bashing on the keyboard 'with great feeling'. It's completely meaningless without the knowledge and technique. And it's all very well saying that modern poetry is freeflowing, doesn't rhyme, whatever you like, but in almost everything a good rule of thumb is "You have to know the rules before you break them", and I believe poetry is no exception.

What you've written, OP, is both pretentious and amateurish. I don't speak as a great writer of poetry myself, but as a great lover and reader of poetry. If you have any real interest, please consider reading The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry - the best beginners book on the understanding of poetry I have yet come across. Otherwise, please consider this quote:

Only ambitious nonentities and hearty mediocrities exhibit their rough drafts. It's like passing around samples of sputum.
Vladimir Nabokov

>>3278445

I agree with everything but the nabokov quote.

the man was fond of huge generalities and blind aphorisms

>>3278451
It was the only one I could think of vaguely related to what I wanted to say, which was basically: show stuff to people that you've worked on, and that is good, not stuff you randomly come up with. That's what notebooks are for.

>>3278477

Fair enough.

hate the font, for starters

Ya know, fuck everyone op. It's a great poem and the fact that it makes people wonder what it's about is what gives it that shine. Keep practicing and develop your own unorthodox style, and when you die some bad ass death, and a select group of people know you- that will be your middle finger to everyone one here saying shit

>>3278516

>unorthodox

Every sixteen year old with a romantic inclination writes EXACTLY like this

Well OP I thought it read well but i'm not a cynical insecure ass-hole so I don't feel qualified to judge you really.

I'm no poet, as you will see, but I'm going to attempt to redo OP's poem here.

Moon shining white, glimmering so true
Why won't you share your light
with the children who love you?

Your light is the sun's, but your strength is your own
Yet you share it not
You shine, so alone
I know what you are, but I know not your soul
You paint white the dark
Like diamond upon coal
When the sun takes over
Why won't you come to me?
You simply hide in the skies
There's so much you could be

Yeah I couldn't fix it, nevermind.

>>3278571
You made it significantly worse. Doesn't scan, rhyming is trite and is you READ IT you will realise that you haven't actually SAID anything. What are you actually saying about the moon? The OP said that the sun is stronger and more powerful, but night will always come again and then the moon will rule. You said nothing.

The only poems worth writing are haikus about masturbation.

Snores from the roommate
literotica.com
I rub my penis

Get your shit together, OP.

I grabbed the moon,
and drew it to my breast
when my parachute failed
after I ejected from my MIG
My ass was on fire
on impact I began a conflagration
also eonpub

>>3278605

Go to bed Samuel Butcher.

For a first attempt I think it's pretty damn good. I think your biggest mistake was mixing together modern pronouns and middle/early english. Just use modern pronouns, as any use of archaic language is just silly and comes off as being too intentional.

I think other than that, which a lot of people have pointed out, you have a damn fine poem. Next time try to focus on a more impactful message, really practice making strong messages out of quaintness, even if it's not your style. It's good practice.

>>3278606

>Samuel J. Butcher is an American artist. He is mainly known as the artist behind the Precious Moments brand of characters based on American-Christian themes. He draws in oil, water-color, acrylic, and mixed-media.

lol wut

>>3276121
oh pale moon,
here are some words
with neither depth nor passion
but hey, whatever

oh great lune
where are you?
oh right, clouds
I feel like talking about some old stuff now
like Apollo
and using the word "thy"
that sounds pretty poet-y,
except I forgot to make it have
any value at all to the reader
like a port-a-john at the edge of the universe
at the end of my stanza

>>3278718

angelmeat?

>>3278726
nope, but that is a kickass name. wish I'd thought of it.

>>3276257
this guy

>>3278605

>>3278445

Thank you........ th-.... thank you...... this... this is all I want for chirstmas.... this is all I ever want from life. This... is what I always wanted to say, but for some reason, could never find the words.

Thank you Anon... thank you for giving me hope that there are some people here that actually respect poetry, instead of raping it with pretentious egotism.

>>3276121

>excuse me if it seems amateur
>implying that a poem you shit out with no knowlage of poetics at all would be good or anything more than amateur garbage

You're an asshole. I'm literally offended.

>>3278926

femanon detected

I was going to go on a rant when I saw this at first, but then decided to read the thread and saw >>3278445. Sir or madam, you hit the nail on the head while throwing in those ever-important references. Thank you.

>>3278935
If that's so, can you tell her I like her and that we can go sit under a tree and talk about books and I can bring animal crackers that we can share :3

OP, I hope all of the criticism doesn't discourage you. It's an earnest first attempt, I like how your poem actually says something (as opposed to other beginner poetry I've read). Like others have said, work on getting the scansion and sound of vowels/consonants themselves to support the meaning.

>>3278948
<3

>>3278966
>as opposed to other beginner poetry I've read
"I'm so edgy, look how dark it is, people are stupid, I want to kill myself but what's the point" is something

OP has probably killed himself by now thanks to you guys

>>3279045
good