/lit/ - Literature

>>3205825
Theyre not too shabby, I myself have considered writing a story about a guy who has "whistle fart syndrome" but unfortunately you beat me to it. I love the part where he thinks he can save the woman from getting in the car with the known rapist by calling to her with a shrill whistle fart, only to shit his pants at the last second when it mattered most. Such a heart-wrenching twist.

>>3205825
Fuck yeah, "The Tenant", great film

>>3205825
Are you the guy who posted a story that also had Greenberg in it? If so, this is an improvement.

>>3205844
See? I'm getting better. I may be the next Ann Rice. But with a penis.

ah, monsieur, where to begin?

they make "an eye contact." ah, a moronic article. are you trying to show us that, notwithstanding your stupidity, you can be full of great thoughts, great ideas, great loves, great feelings? oh, yes!!! i would love that!!!

and the opening sentence, "the night is boring and silent", ah, monsieur, this sentence is not even written in a spirit ironic... i believe you wrote it - in total sincerity. that is an objection, monsieur, to your work and the philosophy of your work.

such phrases as "moderately awkward moments", so exact and pedantic, stand uneasily beside phrases which only a child could wrest from the latticework of his mind.

"she is almost too cute and too smart to be true"

"how big a meticulous prick he is"

"The running breaks the silence and the boringness of the night." oh, dooesssss it???

as for the spirit or the idea or the theme or the symbol or the zodiac or the blood or the philosophy or the ultimate representation or the document of the story itself: the feeling a man experiences when talking to a strange woman. ah, monsieur, we have all felt that, and you have not thrown any insight on it, or shown it in any new light. in fact, i think you have retarded my experience of this phenomena, and the personality of the adolescent figure who stalks through it is empty. he is "boring and silent", no doubt, like the author.

a jewish girl? so unexpected, monsieur.

although I still hope that you get banned from this board this post is mostly correct

>>3205844
Yes. Thanks.

>>3205864
It's a story within a story, monsieur. Did you even finish it?

It's "post-ironic", meaning that irony and sincerity exist side-by-side. I'm just expressing a common fantasy.
See this for example:
http://www.mubi.com/topics/meeting-people-at-the-cinema

>>3205913
ah, monsieur, so sophisticated. it would seem that the existence side-by-side of irony and sincerity is almost at the level of 19C children's fairy tales.

the first part, monsieur, was enough to disgust me. the absurd phrases, which i suppose you think add that banjo player's 'twang' to the whole wretched cacophony of your prose? and the lack of any elevating feeling, of any idea, of any insight in or play on this run-of-the-mill modern day scenario. for you it is enough to mix 'irony' and 'sincerity', as you think you are doing, and to call it a defensible piece of writing. monsieur, this story has just ruined literature forever.

>>3205913
and, worst of all, monsieur, you seem to have taken dr. johnson too seriously, if you write anything good, strike it out. your prose reeks of strenuous effort and reads like the shit thereof. take a laxative next time.

>>3205923
The idea is to embrace one's naivety and commonness and the unwillingness to try and look cool and cynical.

Without having read the piece in the intirety you have completely missed the point.

You just sound bitter and arrogant, when you try to sound cool and ironic. This is exactly what I'm trying to avoid.

>deleting his posts
>le monsieur face

>>3205913
>It's "post-ironic"
Here's a synonym: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malignant_neoplasm

Bump

Under innocuous fluorescent whipping-boys for the irritability and incompetence of malcontents, rationalized through self-induced and pitiful trauma, her initial velocity of the tortoise decreasing in segments, aimlessly conscious that there is no way to win; to continue spiraling geometrically into cowardice, to break the rules and endure the paralyzing spectrum (judgement, betrayal, disappointment) collecting in the door unpunctually ajar aggregated into a symphony of indignation—equally undesirable; the glasses are like subsets of an ancient convex television screen, strips of gelded light scrolling up the lenses in imitation of endlessly rolling static, warped by the third dimension, the monotony of the barber’s pole without the mystery. She meanders.

>>3206259
Saying too little with too many words. You should respect the reader more.

“I’m going to a restaurant with some friends and then we’re going to watch a movie. Would you—mind telling mom I’ll be back at about nine?” The rain begins outside and taps lightly against the windows.
“Are you sure that’s okay? I might get . . .”
“I’ll tell them . . .”
“Yeah okay, just make sure you get back in one piece and on time.” Isabella is positive that she will fulfill these conditions.
—Don’t you wanna know who I’m going with? Danielle (I hate that name!) how old is the boy driving you three—are you going out like that? it’s freezing. My older sister’s named Danielle too—well everyone calls her Ellie. Ellie’s a kids name, Danielle says. People called me that in kindergarten. How did Ellie do in seventh grade? I think you know, dad looks at me like he knows more about me than myself.
Isabella says thankyou to Mrs. Dalrymple. Isabella catches up to Charlotte and Adam. Charlotte’s sister drives right up to the corner enclave where they are avoiding the rain.
—You and your sister are different people with different strengths and weaknesses. She’s so lucky though I have to work hard Do you think Danielle doesn’t have to work hard? Why don’t you ever talk about your sister or your brother? Because why does Isabella exist? Do you want me to teach you how to put on makeup? No—yes . . . He’ just like me it comes natural, doesn’t for me. Driving to the high school with mom to pick him up he’s sitting on a bench and other high schoolers are standing around outside the front of the school. Heidi! c’mon let Alexander cop a feel it might be the only chance he ever gets. It sounds mean. We pretend we didn’t hear on the way home. Is he sad? I feel so sad for him. How does our sister . . . ?

>>3206267
Celeste is in her first year of college at the University of Vermont. She doesn’t have classes on Friday so she came down to Strasburg for the weekend to see some friends.
She’s not quite as pretty as Charlotte. Charlotte’s not quite as pretty as Danielle. Danielle, Ellie, who’s prettier? Celeste takes Isabella and her friends to Eli’s American Bar and Grill.
—Even with caller ID he knows Isabella’s cellphone number. He probably walked past it one time and let someone else answer it, that’s all it would take for him to memorize . . . Don’t you (we don’t have to worry about that with Isabella) wanna know (Danielle My name is Ellie Are there going to be any boys?) who I’m going with?

>>3206265
thanks bro

how about>>3206267
>>3206269

the style is a little different i think but not sure


that was good advice though and i appreciate it

well fuck the no shit the italics don't show up

sorry

imagine italics where it's logical

...and then Charlotte went down on Danielle, moaning softly as Celeste ate out her sopping wet pussy from behind, lightly massaging the rim of her asshole with her free hand.

>>3206267
>>3206269
Thanks for the bumps, but are you trying to sabotage my thread by any chance?

bump

Bump

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it's pretty good actually.

the second one is better

>>3206865
Thanks.

Bump

Is this thread invisible to you guys?

>>3207208

Yes.

>>3207212
;_;

>>3207336

>bumping your own thread when no-one is interested.
>Immediately prior to the Mayan apocalypse
>ishigacatapetloxilatl

>>3207343
Why were people interested when I posted my previous short stories using exactly the phrasing in the OP?

>>3207366
Life is all about luck and timing.

>>3207396
I have two theories actually.
1) Two stories is too much to pay attention to. It's overwhelming. It also comes off a bit self-important.
2) The pic is dull and doesn't grap the attention.

Yesterday I posted the same thread but with a question "Which one is better?".

I remade the thread, because I thought the question came off as arrogant and self-important, as it slightly implies that there's some merit to the pieces to begin with.

The monsieur guy posted ITT. He heavily criticized the first part of the first piece, which is a story-within-a-story. I said to him that it was a story-within-a-story and that his criticisms were unfair. He deleted his posts and I deleted mine.

>>3205825
>le paedo face

Bump

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Read the first story thought it was really boring. Beta guy can't get girl: the end. If it was any deeper than that, I don't care enough to try and go deeper.

Also:
"He thinks about how he probably shouldn’t speak to anyone ever again.
He turns around and starts running.
The running breaks the silence and the boringness of the night.
The wind blows in his ears.
He runs away from the girl. He doesn’t look back.
He stops behind a corner. He’s not out of breath.
He thinks about how stupid he must have looked.
He doesn’t care.
He will never see her again.
He feels tears coming to his eye"

He clearly has no grasp of sentence variety.

>>3208038
Did you read the both parts of the first story though?

Part one was a story-within-a-story.

>>3208075

Yes. Neither part, nor both parts in conjunction are compelling.

>>3208234
Thanks for the critique.

bump

Let me ask you, OP, do you read things like what you've just written? You don't have to answer. Just think about it.

>>3205825
Stopped at Jewish-looking.

Just an fyi, that is considered racist, and as a fledgling writer, you might not want to insert beliefs that the reader will have to assume is yours; because the character wasn't introduced before the description was made.

>>3208509
>JIDF disinfo agent detected

>>3208473
Yes.

>>3208509
It's not racist.
It's also a story-within-a-story that's supposed to be a pathetic fantasy. It's okay to be racist in a story-within-a-story.

Thanks for your critique.

bump

>>3208473
i bet op loves tao lin

>>3205825
they're really funny. mostly out of familiarity, they nail a lot of obscure details and thought processes, but without dwelling on them, so it wouldn't be true to say they're self-indulgent. good shorts. I'm guessing you wrote the story about the guy who wants a stranger online to upload an anime? somebody said about that one that there's not a lot of stories about this particular brand of awkwardness, 'cause mainstream = reactions like >>3208038 (not a slight to those readers, they're simply not the audience that's gonna get it.) so yeah keep at it, either you're getting maximum mileage out of minimal effort simply writing down your fantasies, or you're very precisely communicating a type of arrogance/neurosis.

--'Almost an hour left until the end of the period. I’ve still got plenty of
time to pass the note.
I’m sweating hard. The time is running out. I can’t pass the note. It’s too
hard to pass the note. I’m so afraid of rejection. '--

'I'm so afraid of rejection' is too on-the-nose

>>3209816
Thanks.

If you mean the story about the guy who wants a stranger online to upload the movie "Uncle Kent", then yes, I wrote that too.

> either you're getting maximum mileage out of minimal effort simply writing down your fantasies, or you're very precisely communicating a type of arrogance/neurosis.
I don't think I'm exactly sure what you mean. What is the difference between the two?

>'I'm so afraid of rejection' is too on-the-nose
Do you mean it in a bad way?

>>3209934
oh, it was Uncle Kent? I think the reason he needed this particular person to upload the video was because it was unsubtitled. he had done the guy a similar favor in the past, I think

>I don't think I'm exactly sure what you mean. What is the difference between the two?
either story could easily be read as you simply writing down your own, un-editorialized daydreams/awkward experiences, as opposed to putting effort into prose, structure and content to depict a character/mindset. I'm saying I don't care either way since the effect of the second scenario is achieved

>Do you mean it in a bad way?
yeah, only way to mean it. too = undesirably excessive. somebody else might argue other lines were on-the-nose as well, but 'I'm so afraid of rejection' was the only one I reacted to.

>>3209965
Thanks for your evil critique.

Well, here's the story "Uncle Kent", by me.
http://www.mediafire.com/view/?tr9hfvpmfbfuloy

Unless someone wrote a minutely similar short story, your recollection of my short story is pretty bizarre.

Well, all prose is a daydream, is it not?

My understanding is that the human experience is universal, so there's no another way (no need for another way) than to describe the emotions (for example, anxiety in this case) directly from one's experience with such emotions.

A strong autobiographical element is completely normal and popular in works of many writers.

My short stories are strongly self-deprecating, which is also a source of comedy.

The "I'm so afraid of rejection" line is meant to be read in a sort of whiny, even cartoonish tone.

My policy is that I'm not afraid of cliches or of sounding lame. I'm trying to be close to the character, so when the character is not thinking straight, I don't think straight either. The character is not concerned about cliches or sounding on-the-nose in his own thoughts. He's rationalizing with that line.

Another example of what I'm talking about is when the nonsense line "I'm sweating hard" is repeated several times while the character is being nervous. Of course, this is meant for a comedic effect, but I don't want to come off as ironic or as someone above the character. I am just as nervous as the character.

I hope this lengthy post doesn't come off as self-important or pretentious, as I'm merely analysing my own work as much as you do.

>>3210028
yeah that's the one. might be that I'm remembering it wrong, but I'm not going to re-read it to check because oy vey, vill you look at this post I tell ya

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>>3207431
no, monsieur. i did not delete my own posts. that was done by he whose power flies higher than his judgement, whom i cannot name for fear of reprizal. in this regard, it is just to say nor did i ban myself. banning oneself is in rather dubious taste, isn't it, my sweet, my yellow friend? by whom or by what and for what i was banned, and global rule 6, and so forth, and so on, all obeisant. praise the element. feign complete quiescence. give to caesar what is caesar's, and to 4chan what is 4chan's.

>>3213768
Yeah whatevs.

Polanski is a pretty cool guy, eh fucks lolis and doesn't afraid of anything

>Married to film director Roman Polanski in 1968, Sharon was eight-and-a-half months pregnant when she was murdered in her home, along with four others, by followers of Charles Manson on August 9, 1969.

;_;

Roman Polanski? More like Romantic Polanski