/lit/ - Literature

Highroads lead from river's bone to curl around the backfoot of the market's edge - porters scuffle wallets out and in and out of trousers, howling taut and with a baritone the day's off ticket, two for one, apenny on the dollar, get 'er 'ere and squared, a lacket's brim gone full with treasure.

I have no idea what you are trying to say.

>>3156213

It's fairly self-explanatory: a description of a group of porters calling out the day's prices at market.

>>3156237
It is pretentious to use outdated language in the way you are using it.

>>3156247

How so? In what sense is the language 'dated'?

I'm trying to write prose with evocative rhythm and imagery as a backbone. I'm not sure I follow as to why the language I'm using is pretentious?

I can't understand what the fuck is going on. This lead me to very rapidly lose interest, about the time you started going on about the virgin mary's thighs for some reason.

>>3156254
If you're trying to write prose with imagery, you're failing pretty hard, no one can understand what you're saying so it's impossible to picture the scene

>>3156317

>it's impossible to picture the scene

As in, you literally don't know what the words mean? Or you're having a difficult time putting concepts together?

(Mind you, this is a very small excerpt of a much larger piece that is (somewhat) thematically dense, and as such it tends to read a bit tangentially when out of context)

>>3156312

>lose interest

Bummer.

i dunno what these plebs are saying

if your goal is to write a conventional story with conventional style, then you are failing

if your goal is to write something that is linguistically provocative and stylistically original, than i think you are succeeding

>>3156352

Thank you.

And, please, for the sake of all of us, don't use that word.

Little bump for opinions of the european flavor

I understood it perfectly well. Interesting style, actually. The only bit I had trouble with is where you start to detail the city roads - the paragraph runs thick there and seems like a big run on. Plus that's hard to imagine and maybe unnecessary.

>>3156709

Thanks for reading. It's a little unedited at this point, so there are definitely a number of issues, but I think I'm getting closer to the tenor I'm aiming for.

>>3156328
I'm neither of these guys but I'll chuck in my two bits. Nope, I don't know what the words mean. What's a lacket? Why are 'porters' trying to haggle with people in the market when a porter's job is to carry stuff? What does 'Let the June sing out' mean?, What does 'slaggard runabout made crawling for their homes as night'll settle in' mean? What's a 'cold spurt of heaven'? (Is that last one literally an ejaculation? If so, why is it 'cold'?) What's her 'nightblue fruit'? (is that like her genitals? Why are they blue?)

It just goes on like this. I have no idea what you're saying because, as you admit, you've deliberately tried to write it as dense and gradiloquent as possible. It's not quirky, it's just nonsense to me. It's not fun to read.

>>3156919

I'm sorry you don't enjoy it. The work is on its own legs, and you either like the experience or you don't. I'd rather not start spewing sparknotes as to the meaning of passages, but I thank you and everyone else in this thread kindly for your time and thoughts

I can't help but feel this novel will at some point become required reading in high-school english classes, replacing Heart of Darkness as the bane of 16-18 year olds everywhere.

>>3157542

Haha, we'll have to see if teens don't end up playing find-the-symbol with my stuff someday.

I'm pretty confident about it getting out there in a big way, though. Thanks for reading

>>3157542
I enjoyed every second reading Heart of Darkness when I was sixteen. This will probably become something people like to show their original taste or capabilities of untangling complicated texts. Or just to let everyone know you read things no one beyond /lit/ has ever heard of.
The text seems like you couldn't decide to write prose or poetry and it has become something not quite either.
It's completely incomprehensible any case. It may be one of those things you just have to work your way through a couple of times before getting it, although I get the feeling those couple of times may never reach an end.

>>3158946

>you couldn't decide to write prose or poetry and it has become something not quite either

I'll agree with you that the line between the two is blurred in the work, but it has nothing to do with a lack of decision or confusion on my part.

>It's completely incomprehensible

Might have to disagree with you there.

>work your way through a couple of times before getting it

This is true, the exact vernacular I'm going for has been something of a challenge to get at, but I'm of the opinion that I'm very nearly there, a few hiccups aside, and the stuff has to speak for itself.

Thank you sincerely for reading and giving your thoughts. I'm very sorry you didn't enjoy it.

Tell me which parts of my writing suck.

http://pastebin.com/HWAM8iDZ

>>3158984

It's not bad, but it's pretty mediocre. Reads pretty photographically, which can be less than interesting.

>>3156196
Well it's very Pynchon/Joyce-esque and it shares the advantages and disadvantages of that style. My advice is this: be very careful. If the reader crashes against the sentence's meaning too often they will give up and, unlike the pioneers of the style, you won't be looked on fondly for it.

>>3159036

Oh, I know. This is on my mind constantly. It's a fine line you've gotta walk.

Thanks for reading, man.

>>3158983
(I'm this guy >>3158946)

Actually I did enjoy it and I encourage you to continue writing. I may have overstated how incomprehensible it is, although it is pretty tough. I really like your style, is that your own? Or is this some form of writing I'm unaware of? This is quite distinct from what I've read of Joyce >>3159036 (correct me if I'm wrong).

The style has something new and nice to it, how you throw about those words as if there is no order to how they are arranged (but of course there is). It may, however, not be the perfect style for telling an even complex story.
BTW, if I were you I would not change anything based on what 7-8 people on this board have to say about it. /lit/ is, in my opinion, hypercritical at times.

>>3159268

Oh, I've been here for some time, I know all about /lit/'s particular brand of critique. No worries there, I just posted to see if anybody digs where the style is headed.

I'm not the hugest Joyce guy, and I definitely wouldn't count him as among my influences.

The density of this piece'll be rounded out as I get to sinking my teeth in a bit further. I have some work to do as far as that goes, but I'm genuinely excited about the piece. It feels fresh, it's feeling right.

Thanks so much for your time and your posts.

>>3159283
I enjoyed OP. This is heartening because your style is similar to mine. Although your does have one advantage, it goes somewhere.

maybe i am a pleb, but i can't get a handle on the voice. i like the imagery, but when i get to the dialogue, there are weird shifts. at first i took the dialogue in a southern black drawl, then i see "queso" and "daughter dearest" and cant really figure out what these people are supposed to be saying. is it supposed to be reminiscent of any generic character archetypes, or is that intentional?

Dang OP I liked it. When I read the first couple pages I couldn't help but be reminded of that first paragraph of Finnegans Wake and the first couple pages of Portrait. Was Joyce a heavy influence in this?

>>3156352
>stylistically original
not so sure about this bit

>>3159434
Never mind. I read through a little of the thread, forget the Joyce mention.

this is pseudo intellectual mccarthy. i find it interesting only because of how it fails. though i hope my criticism fuels your writing.

Most of my prose involves my sexual experiences with my twin brother and anal squirts in my sandwiches. This is a metaphor for the 2012 Presidential Election, with the anus representing Obama and the squirt representing Biden. The sandwiches represent the unity of American society and my twincest represents the annexation of Puerto Rico and Canada.

>>3159470

I haven't yet read any of the man's stuff. I'm sorry that you feel the excerpt is 'pseudo' in some fashion.

>>3159434

Thank you kindly. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

>>3159441

I can't speak to either side of that argument.

>>3159475

I wouldn't mind reading a bit.

>>3159414

The dialogue involves a few different characters with a range of voices. I'm trying not to play too heavily into any archetypes that don't flesh themselves out naturally in the story. Thank you and everyone else very much for reading.

You're into criticism a lot, huh, OP?

>>3159614

In what sense do you mean?

>Feel free to give your thoughts or ignore the thread.
nigga I gun do neither

>>3159967

You're good, I'll give you that.