/lit/ - Literature

Love the simplicity. Nicely done.

I think you could do without the line "against the grey clouds". It would then make it a nice symmetrical 8 lines. Plus, clouds are already implied in rain, so it's unnecessary.

I suspect samefag in attempt to get other people to read it, so I'll bite.

I'll give you my honest and sincere opinion...here I go...

It screams adolescence. The "changing of the seasons" has been done to death, and if you are going to do it, you better blow my fuckin mind.

Question of identity= young adult problem. (=changing of the season). Yes I get it, but it's no good.
The idea in itself is not bad, but you have to more intricately relate ideas, in a more clever way, so as to impress me of the observations of life you have made.

You have to appear much wiser than your years (which you do not).

Back to the drawing boards kiddo.

>>3038832
>all references to a season must mean coming of age

Wow. You're a fucking moron.

>>3038844
I never said that. Suck a dick.

>>3038832
I think you're mistaken in reading something for symbolism when it may be a mere afterthought to the poet. For example, it's autumn right now, and to refer to one's immediate surroundings creates an immediacy for me (the reader). It brings the poet closer to the reader so to speak, since they are in that shared environment.

Maybe you don't currently live in a country with autumn so you may have missed that, or are just looking to blindly criticize.

Not every mention of the seasons is symbolic, unless you're a high school literature teacher.

>>3038864
Haha, listen kid: take my criticism and run with it, don't try to argue it.

The leaves are starting to fall off where I am from (right now).

Northern-Hemisphere FTW YOLO!

Is it alright if I use this thread for my poem also? I don't want to start another OC thread. Thoughts/criticisms?

The Passage

It is a cold morning and that's what makes
the stall with coffee and with cream-filled cakes
seem like the perfect
option for us three, just now returning
from homes in London, Hull, and Kettering.
The cake's not suspect;

the size of the coffee is—a thimble—
but more so your four legs starting to amble
where I dared not look
as a child, O frightened by the dark arch,
and all this without waiting while I, parched,
drank up. A beam hooks

on someone's trouser loop. The stalls collapse
and flatten out the cakes. The vendor's trapped.
I turn for the arch,
descend the wet steps, find you both missing...
In the tunnel mouth, my eyes and legs cave in
and I am completely unable to scream.

>>3038870
I'm not OP though.

>>3038886
The caucles of my heart are warmed by the re-emergence of poetry crit.

Let's see what we got here.

Morning routine poems are quite possible the most overtone topic in 20th century poetic history. If your going to do it, you better be the next big thing to make poetry orgasm (which you are not according to your first stanza).

2nd stanza...wut? Did nothing for me.

3rd stanza...fuck that shit.

You dun goof'd.

Try again bro. (lay off the ambiguity).

>>3038936
Thanks for the feedback anon. Does the poem come off as very ambiguous? I essentially just wrote down my dream as soon as I woke up (one of those dreams where you can't move and try to call for help but no sound comes out - do you know the kind?)

>>3038947
I've have only one memory of having one of those.

I was swinging on a chain at my aunts and uncles house house, and there was a jaguar/leapard clawing at me at the bottom of the chain swing. I screamed for help, but nobody came, I screamed again aloud in my sleep and I woke up the whole house.

That was the only time I remember.

>>3038627
>Screaming to be seen

>>3038832
>It screams adolescence

>>3038886
>and I am completely unable to scream


This is now a scream thread

>>3038994
This reminds me, I still need to see the Edvard Munch exhibition at Tate Modern.

>>3038832
>Implying the simple is not beautiful.

HEY GUISE WE GOTTA A FAGGOT HERE

OP here, I just got back from work.

>>3038826
That line was meant to create a contrast.

>>3038832
This is actually more about my depression, and thoughts about autumn.

>>3038886
The composition is good, but as >>3038936
said, I'm having a hard time understanding what you mean.

posting some of my bullshit here 2, why not piss in the yellow pool

Estos, Tearone!


Midland’s oval teacup
dips, dips, dips
High-hand’s bulging nozzle
pumps, pumps-
‘til low’s shrimp-snout
pouts.

No dia por T;
dos quevos pequenos.
(don’t wear down the goods)