/lit/ - Literature

please respond

kill yourself you creepy piece of shit

smile confidently and make a comment, preferably something witty, on the book shes looking at. act reserved and keep the smile to a glance. stand at a 45 degree angle

wait for them to browse next to you - do not obviously approach if you can avoid it, approaching is creepy - and talk about the book they're looking at, or the book you're looking at. Then make conversation.
>Hmm. I'm not sure about this one. have you read it?
If you have to hit on chicks, hit on the staff. Chances are higher that they actually read, if you know what I mean.
>Employee discount?

Yeah smile, just have a nice conversation, don't 'hit on' her. Be friendly.

>>2761398
Nah no female staff. The chicks walked right in and one of them stood right behind me for a while.

I mean my ability to perceive a hint is lacking, but the fact that there were two of them made me anxious considering the fact that females have to acknowledge to each other that you're a valuable male before actually allowing you to come into contact with them. One of them came and browsed behind me and I dropped about four books on the floor before walking out

>>2761375
Yeah, how dare you try and meet women, OP. Rape culture at its worst.

>in a bookstore browsing the manga section
>girl comes over
>I begin to sweat profusely
>she kneels down to look at something on the bottom shelf
>I smell her hair
>I think to myself "hey, if I move in her direction I can say I didn't see her there and then we can start a conversation and eventually sex"
>I walk over and go too far and trip and fall on her
>she screams and starts crying
>she's bleeding
>I kicked her in the head
>a security guard's heading this way
>what do I do, what do I do
>pretend I have a gun, use girl as a human shield even though I love her, because a man does what he must
>security guard tackles me and girl
>"If I wanted a threesome I'd ask for one, old man!"

>>2761369
>trying not to breath too loudly
Oh my god...
>IFUCKINGKNOWTHATFEEL.jpg

You were reading John Berryman and a woman was interested in you? Now you're on here instead of running after that? My suggestion, live the rest of your life in regret

>wait till she's browsing next to you
>inevitable if you're hot enough for her
>ask if you should move out of the way for her
>"no"
>"are you looking for something particular"
>ice broken

You're welcome.

>sitting in the bookstore, reading The Brothers Karamazov.
>8/10 wearing glasses walks by
>grab conveniently located Twilight book
>start reading it
>she sees me reading it
>"OMG, you like Twilight too?!"
And then I came out of the closet.

>>2761534
>"are you looking for something in particular"

If somebody said that to me I'd just wonder why this member of staff wasn't in uniform.

You guys are really creepy.

>>2761547

well you know what i mean. just had a hard time translating it into something that would not sound ridiculous.

>>2761551
guys, am i right? xD

fuck off whore

>>2761555
"watchya lookin' for?"?

>be couple of weeks ago
>browsing in a secondhand book store
>cute girl, and I mean perfectly cute, walks in
>she starts browsing near me
>I keep moving up the isle, just standing there not even reading the titles
>see her looking at me in hte corner of her eye
>I look up she is looking ahead smiling
>she leaves after picking some book up
>breath out and relax
>look at the books ahead
>"erotic fiction"
>shit

>>2761551
Says the woman who can only keep her priorities straight until the tall, muscular and handsome "nerdy" bookstore assistant comes along.

You're no better than us, gringa.

>>2761576
I laughed so hard, I fell off my chair and choked on my food.

when is that guy that kept rambling about how he could not browse because there was a girl sitting close, he even drew a fucking diagram... I bet he could give some awesome advice...

>>2761576

>2012
>risking to get caught browsing any shelf other than classics when it's possible you might be watched by a girl

>>2761579
Are you being sarcastic?

>>2761598
No, I'm being ironic.

>>2761598
I think she just comes from tumblr...

>>2761604

>>2761583
god i need that diagram

>>2761607
I actually did laugh.
Even funnier, when I got up, I fell over again, due to the fact that I have postural hypotension.
8/10, would laugh again.

>>2761642
That was hysterical.
Best laugh all day.

>>2761642

>in independent book store
>chillin' having a chat with the owner's husband
>decent looking girl walks in
>shake guy's hand and turn to leave
>have small pile of books in my arms
>she's in the history isle
>don't hit on her because i'm not a creep

>>2761680

>>2761680
>walk in bookstore
>find an interesting book
>pay for it
>leave
>hilarity ensues

>>2761811
>>2761680
you guys

>>2761642
oh yeah, that's from that day that pynchon posted here

>>2761811
You monster.

>>2761815

>that day that pynchon posted here

wat

why are people reading books in a bookshop? shit aint a library nigga.

>crew and myself roll into the compendium establishment tokin' the Ls
>discoursin' on the metaphorical intricacies of charlie clips vs. big t
>did not attend the event (unfortunately)
>sly honey in the classics section
>she fits right in
>aphrodite in motion
>slick statuesque beauty
>smooth swoop on up on her
>my impeccable grin
>her confident smile
>"not for rudeness, miss, but schmoozin' ain't my gift. if you lack dedication, trot out and let's create sons"
>pick up my copy of My Little Pony: Sugoi-Desu-Uguu ^~^ 2nd reprinting, limited 100 copies with exclusive Fluttershy/Applejack holo gold shiny reversible sticker
>slid back to 42nd Lennox in Harlem's hood
>the visages aboundin'

>>2761839

8/10

>>2761839
best tripfag on all of 4chan?

>>2761369
why has nobody asked what the hell that thing is next to her chair? what is that thing doing in a book store?

>>2761839
you bloody legend

>have the hots for Pale Girl at local Waterstones
>also have the hots for Beautiful Hair Girl at same pace
>never make any real conversation with them ever, even if they talk (a little) at the cash register

Stupid fucking Sunhawk. Needs to get it together.

>>2761859

why do you contribute nothing of literary merit besides useless hopes and future shattered confidences to the board?

your writing inspiration seminars are perfunctory ointments that treat the surface symptom of laziness inherent in 75% of lit's user base without touching on its root causes. you glue back the twisted petals on these wispy writing dandelions and fail to keep up water tables.

in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful.

>Be at a classy bar last night
>My friend walks in just as I claim a booth
>'Hey man.'
>'Hey dude. Listen, I can't talk, I am here for the Reddit party.'
>What
>He points to a nearby booth
>I observe as a table of hambeasts and ambuloceti wearing an assortment of silly hats all make out with each other
>They will make out with one person, then just move onto another one
>They are all ugly as fuck [except for one]
>We need to step up our parties, fuck
>Follow him to the reddit party
>Every time one speaks to me, I say '>implying that was le funny'
>Having a miserable time
>Start speaking to the good looking one
>She is full pleb, but at least she reads. Fight Club, etc
>I ask her why everyone just makes out with everyone, and if she makes out with just anyone
>She says she doesn't know and it kind of creeps her out, but she is more selective
>I pull her in with my eyes
>We are inches away, her eyes are glossy wells of desire and burning want
>I see a cuter girl in the reflection of her eye juices
>Go and speak to her
>She is deaf
>With a party of deaf people
>They show me the sign for 'beer'
>Ask me to go buy them some beer
>I do so
>Come back, they are all gone
>They had, in fact, shown me the sign for 'fuck off'
>I stand there holding my three beers, I don't even drink non-aged red wine

Totes took cute Reddit girl home after patching things up though. They all have wicked low self esteem.

>>2761839

9/10 Best New Tripfag

>>2761870
The hypocrisy is strong in this one.

>>2761877

all right laughed a little
the deaf joke was the clincher
I will steal it

>>2761859
Well, you're like, almost 30 and living with your parents. You're also unemployed...so, you have nothing really to offer some bookstore girl making minimum wage.

She makes shit and you make even less than that. I'd say you're doing a good job by not talking to these ladies.

>>2761870
> in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful
> in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful
> in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful
> in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful
> in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful
> in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful
> in short, fuck off and die sunhawk. you ain't nourishin' or watchful

This.

>>2761883

oh, yeah, you right, you right.


































PSYCHE, I LIED NIGGA!

>a friend tells me I should read DFW and tells me about a bookstore on an alley close to my apartment
>decide to go check it after work
>2 tall black guys waiting just outside a metal door
>"yo, what you lookin' at?"
>"hey guys, a friend of mine told me you might have The Pale King"
>they look at each other and open the door, I pass first
>dimly lighted room with lots of guys eating water melon
>one of them gives me a small plastic pocket with white powder in it "that's a fifty, cracker"
>wtfisthisshit.jpg
>"fifty, mothafucka!!"
>my hands start to tremble, my forehead starts to sweat, adjust my bandana
>I finally get the fifty out of my pocket, they push me out
>as soon as I walk out of the alley some bluepig gets me handcuffed
>get charged for drug posession
>get raped repeatedly
>still better than reading DFW
>

>>2761913
my

siudes

>>2761870
ice nigger confirmed for fish-in-barrel marksman extraordinaire

>people are actually amused by Ice, Nigga's repackaging of the joseph ducreux meme.
>suburbanites everywhere.

>>2761894

The thing is, this comment should've annoyed me for about 10 seconds, then I'd stop caring. But it was more than that. The next time I'm in there, this was genuinely knock my (already shaky) confidence. I really don't have much to offer a girl.

>>2761411
9/10
made me lol repeatedly

>>2761932
>I really don't have much to offer a girl.

Nor do you have anything to offer /lit/. The sooner you realise this, the sooner we stop having "MURAKAMI POWER RANKING!" threads.

>>2761921

yeah i sorta pooped it out not expecting that type of reception

i'm no I.C.E. for certain, that nigga's genius beyond belief. check out his most recent battle vs. swave, 4-0 BODY in a 3-round match:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcgzN6324UI

"So showin' niggas love? That's my ex-wife"

mhmmm, street poetry, distilled to the juice like two-pack fruits

>>2761948

I've barely mentioned Murakami in a year. When 1Q84 came out, but that's basically it. Other people bring him up a lot more than I do.

>>2761932

does sunhawk have other tripfags filtered or is the post-traumatic stress disorder my body bag post inflicted on him erasing it from his conscious memory? that was a personal-rhetorical-emotional kevlar casket i made for the motherfucker, and he ain't even say a word

that poor deranged soul.

>>2761955
Your schtick is boring.

>This thread

>>2761962

what shtick? Head Ice writes better than every person on /lit/. Sad part is this isn't satire, it's fact, and the subconscious racists here hate themselves for getting beat by one of them GOD DAMN NIGGAS!

>>2761981
well you certainly have the ego typical of the swarthier races

>>2761981

Head Ice the battle rapper, you dumb piece of shit.

I'm not a large black man in my late 40s who kills grown men metaphorically and physically wtf why would you assume that

>>2761981

I'm both niggerer and a better writer than you, base fool.

>sitting alone in Starbucks reading Finnegans Wake
>cute hipster girl approaches me
>start trembling with fear
>"Hey! You're reading Finnegans Wake? Is it any good?"
>"I-I think you'll find Finnegans Wake transcends the normative good-bad dichotomy, actually," I reply
>she says she doesn't understand
>I snort with laughter
>coffee spurts from my nostrils, along with a single strand of spaghetti
>panicking, I quickly pull the tablecloth to my nose and blow
>more spaghetti falls out
>I try to catch it all in my fedora, but it quickly overflows
>the girl is staring at me in horror
>I stand up, knocking my chair over, and sprint towards the door
>trip on a string of spaghetti that was dangling from my nose
>as I crash to the floor a wet bubble of bolognese sauce escapes from my ass
>I attempt to stand up but slip on a meatball that had rolled out of my trouser leg
>everyone is laughing hysterically
>I try to apologize but my mouth is full of spaghetti
>start vomiting uncontrollably
>the spaghetti wraps itself around my neck
>I can't breathe
>I beg for help but no-one can hear me over their laughter
>quickly make my confessions before I die so I can get to Heaven:
>"I don't understand Finnegans Wake!"
>everything goes black

>>2762003
I am the niggest and the icyist nigger that ever iced.

>>2762010

>"I-I think you'll find Finnegans Wake transcends the normative good-bad dichotomy, actually,"

holy fuck this is hilarious

>>2762012
>>2762003
>>2762002
>>2761981
Is this what you black guys spend your time on?

>>2762010
>Finnegans Wake
>transcends
>fedora
>my sides

>>2762010
10/10 I pissed through my nostrils

at Barnes and Noble, intending to pick up Candide
just got out of the gym have on super tight t shirt v neck my muscles are in full flex i am adonis incarnate
know exactly where to find voltaire but decide to harass sexy brunette employee."excuse me"looks up, she is immediately enthralled her crotch darkens about three to four shades."yeah umm, i was wondering if you could help me find Candide by Voltaire" .Smiles, "sure, right this way"follow her undulating ass feel the urge to sink my teeth in her spandex and rip her fucking thigh off to chew on my spare time maybe i'll pickle it or hang that shit up to dry with semi ground sea salt. Reach the shelf, she finds it"here it is!" hands it to memy hand lingers over hers, thumb moves a quarter of an inch above her knuckle gentle caress and she blushes violently.million dollar smile puts her at ease "thanks...so uh, I've havent seen you around here before, I've been coming here a lot over the past months to study for the LSAT and I think I would have remembered you" "yeah i just started working here last week" "hmmm so that's why"she says nothing yet lingers in front of me i am amused.i take advantage of her frozen awkwardness and merely tilt my head still smiling.10 second eye silent contact stop torturing the poor girl open the book, pretent to browse, say something she might leave any second, on second thought no she fucking wont i am a fucking demigod dont sweat it be easy"have you ever read Voltaire?"ummm no, but i really love french writers, I've been reading a lot of Houllebecq recently" conversation inevitably winds up on Camus and Sartre
so much in common.get her number."maybe we get some coffee sometime or something"."i'd like that"

it amuses me that all of you try to muffle your self loadhing with humor...and i have to say that those green text stories are pretty funny, but would it not be better to actually talk to a girl and post about that?

>>2762112

Girls are gross.

>>2762112
>pls respond

>>2761369

You should have told the one you liked

'You are the hottest one for years of night
Henry's dazed eyes
have enjoyed, Brilliance.'

She'd probably have sucked you off right there in the shop.

Go fuck yourself Stan.

>>2762112

satan once again accentuates his garbage thread contribution (mashing ellis' apathetic torture porn tone into a stream of conscious, overtly egotistical wank-fest) with an attack on people better than him in every one of life's laundry list of aspects

make like a sunhawk and burn in heat.

>>2762112
I don't get it, how would a success story be funny?

>>2762115

thats not the point.
i am seriously trying to help you people.
it breaks my heart to see you like this haha

So this is now a /lit/-humour thread, huh.

>>2762122

its cute that youre pretending to be a nigger and all but youre misleading these people. youre not the solution to their sorrow. i am.
there is a sunhawk in you too ice nigger, the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can make that change.

Say "Hey you, screwed up lovely 23: I'm reading John Berryman!"

Then they'll say "You has kickass taste, Mr Bones. Care for a threesome?"

>but would it not be better to actually talk to a girl and post about that?
>and post about that?

No. Exhibit A: >>2762099
Your story made me snore while awake

>>2762139
>youre not the solution to their sorrow
Well, I don't know about the others but I am not looking for someone to solve my sorrow, definitely not on 4chan. That... that just sounds retarded

>>2762139

my contribution ball game, honey-baked ham, fat-bitch snaps on yours

true, my sunhawk circles, but yours came and went. time for you to follow its trail. sublime shine's over, satan, the white's all that's left. let a new breed remake /lit/ into the board it strove for in its early life. go, rest, because your words can't reach them any longer.

>>2762158
>>2762166
When I came to you, brethren, I did not come proclaiming to you the
testimony in lofty words or wisdom. I was with you in
weakness and in much fear and trembling; and my speech and my message
were in demonstration of the Spirit and
Strength, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power
of Satan.

>>2762197
lol, Stan.

>>2762197
lol, he didn't say penis

>>2761897

More of you, please.

>>2762010
old copypasta is....delicious. Laughed almost as hard as the first time I read that.

>>2762099
What kills me, stan, is that you copy and pasted that from somewhere else. Get.New.Hobbies.

>>2762197
Hit 20 already and quit this neo-angsty shit.

>stand behind her in line
>naturally, she will be buying more than you are, so your transaction will finish first
>walk casually towards the door and try to time your exit with hers
>hold door open for her
>ask her what book she is going home to read, or if she writes
>naturally proceed from there

>>2762420
Needs more failure, social anxiety, maybe some spaghetti and a whole lot more of asperger, keep working on it.

>browsing poetry section
>pick up e.a. Poe collection, happy with my superior taste
>girl rounds the corner, I rapidly turn face to face with her
>she's clearly scared
>hold up the poe book to impress her
>say "hey there poe-fect"
>she gags from being overwhelming with sexual desire, starts to back away
>I advance on her, "poe's my favorite.....poe-et" and laugh loudly
>booming maniacal laughs make girls wet
>boom her with my laugh again as she trips over a rack of books and stumbles backwards into the fantasy section
>tell her fantasy isn't for little girls, that she should read some poe
>can't think of any new poe puns, so re-use the poe-etry one
>she says "I prefer wordsworth, his words are worth more
>am disgusted at her heresy
>tears shoot from my eyes like geysers
>flare out my cape and run out the bookshop shouting "nevermore"
>there never was more

>in bookstore looking at Vonnegut books
>girl comes up in same row
>I reach down and grab Breakfast of Champions while making sure to flex the triceps, giving the girl a show
>catch her looking at me, definitely impressed
>she says hey and asks what I'm reading
>tell her BoC by the Vonn
>she doesn't know what I'm talking about
>asks if it's a book about Wheaties
>smirk
>say No idiot it's only one of the most thought provoking and intriguing books of the late 20th century
>she seems offended
>tell her she can find the pleb and prole books in the next isle over, maybe she'll be able to find her escapism literature over there because clearly reality is too tough for her to handle
>start snorting with laughter
>readjust my glasses and slick back my greasy hair as I congratulate myself on a victory and wonder if this is how Roach Slayer feels everyday.

>>2762607
>flare out my cape and run out the bookshop shouting "nevermore"

Oh God, my sides are in orbit

>>2761369

I probably wouldn't approach a woman reading next to a fucking dynamo or whatever that is.

>>2762607
>Poe
>superior taste
Pick 1/10 nigger.

>>2762615
>looking at books you've already read
Good to see you've so much time to waste slacker.

>"HEY, ARE YOU GOING TO 'SHOPLIFT' THAT BOOK? I AM GOING TO 'SHOPLIFT' THIS ONE. BUY A MAGAZINE SO YOU DO NOT RAISE 'SUSPICIONS', THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO".

>>2762711
>you will never be as alpha as ZHKNH
I know it's stylistic but I imagined you shouting that at her.

>>2762717
>tfw you've basically done this.
I have a hard time regulating my voice, so awkward things happen.

>>2762711

>go to B&N escorted by the hottest hundred chicks you can ever imagine
>have my own stan titled "god-tier books"
>"I'll be back in a minute guuuuurls"
>on my way to god tier section I cross the womyn section
>there's a creepy guy curled in the floor reading 50 shades
>he is wearing a cap that says "hi mi name is s_tan !!1Fa7LzeI6u8" (probably just stan)
>I feel sorry for the guy, I can spare a couple of my girls anyway...
>I go get them
>I come back only to find Stan on his knees
>three huge neckbeards surrounding him
>his mouth full of dick
>neckbeards get nervous
>spaghetti out oneckbeards' penis and all over Stan´s face
>a hundred girls laughing and taking pictures
>"stop laughing, I am Adonis incarnate!!!"
>I feel sad... it breaks my heart to see him like this
>I turn around as I walk out of the store, Stan stil on his kness, Sunhawk is talking to him about Murakami

>>2762743

really?!?!

>Go directly to a bookstore after a long day of work

>I reak of body odor

>Go into the cafe section hoping to order a coffee

>As I'm waiting in line, 2 attractive girls walk in

>They go into the cafe section

>I recognize them

>Get out of line

>Keep a safe distance and tell the girls I'll be right back

>I immediately go into the bathroom

>Try to clean up my pit sweat with paper towels

>Take off my shirt to make the process easier

>Drench myself in water and scrub handsoap all over my body

>Employee from the bookstore comes in

>Asks why I'm not wearing a shirt and paper towels are dangling from my armpits

>I tell him my story
>He tells me that he's going to tattle tale if I don't do what he wants
>Ask him what he wants
>He tells me to continue doing as I was doing
>He just stands there moaning
>We leave the bathroom and I'm thoroughly cleaned

>The girls are still chatting in the cafe when I return

>My friend from the bathroom interrupts our conversation
>This guy is now my wingman

>All 4 of us end up back at his house

>One girl starts eating out the other girl's ass

>They tell us it's our turn

>My wingman is pleased
>I'm dirty again

Should've gone straight home after work.

>>2762830

>>2762830

i don't know man i don't hit on girls really

>>2762698
inorite? what. the. fuck. is. that. thing.

>>2762743
>implying hot chicks go anywhere near going-out-of-business sales

>>2762010
>good-bad dichotomy

It's a spectrum you pleb

When I go to a store, I buy a book and then leave.

>>2763239
haha, what an autist

>>2763224
>It's a spectrum you pleb

There's that word again you filthy cretin

Serious question /lit/, this happened to me today -

I am not normally austistic when it comes to women, but what does it mean when a hipster nerd chick has the whole store to sit at, but chooses to sit near you?

Attention whore?

>>2763352
wtf. yes, you are autistic. let me guess, you didn't strike up a conversation.

>>2763352
It means you use words in a verbal rather than written form to attempt 'communication' [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Communication] with another 'human' [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human] specifically a female. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theoretical_physics]

tl;dr: She wanted to talk about books, bro.

>>2763352

She wants you to fuck her like a wolf. Girls aren't that complicated.

>>2763352
book stores dont normally have that many places to sit. probably just coincidence \

>>2763352

None of us were there but it sounds like she might've been giving you an in and you blew it. Always other chances, broheme. Don't second-guess yourself next time and just go for it.

If cute hipster chicks aren't worth making an effort for then nothing in this world is.

Bibliophile? or Biblio-phile?

Fucking loves books? or loves fucking books?

>>2763352

maybe the chairs by you were more comfortable? maybe she's a regular there and usually sits in that area? maybe she doesn't like to sit alone? maybe there's a nicer view there, or it's more closed inand private? maybe it's by the air conditioner vent? maybe it's quieter? maybe she wasn't really paying attention and that seat caught her eye first? maybe that seat was close to the section she was interested in?

why did you choose to sit there? maybe her reason was similar.

maybe she was hoping to talk to someone... or, possibly, maybe, she thought you were the kawaiiest shonen and wanted to suck your cock. how is anyone supposed tell with such vague information? all you really said is "guis a girl existed near me for a minute and i played it totally cool because she clearly wants me amirite"

>>2763352

>girl within 5 meters of me
>she is definitely wet as fuck and wants me badly this bitch would do anything for my seed she wants me to breed her shit yeah boi

>>2763352

>chick has the whole store to sit at, but chooses to sit near you?
>Attention whore?

Attention whore? Wow... You're a lost cause.