/lit/ - Literature

Eh I guess

You'll get insulted, and I doubt anyone will point out anything specific.

I'll try and say something useful, but I'm retarded, so I might not be able to help.

>>2751762
If it's actually good, you won't get insulted. /lit/ is at least good for that. Though it will likely be some understated compliment like "better than most of what gets posted" or something.

alright it's only about 2 paragraphs. And its 4chan, I expect insults. Here goes nothing

>>2751768
Bean Bag Buccaneers is a two player children's game, the object of which is to pick up your treasure chest on the central island and sail back safely.

Each player has a giant sailing ship as their main game piece. Each ship has a removable sail, two trigger-action side panels, and a huge spring-driven cannon. Players take turns moving forward along a prescribed track and shooting bean bags at their opponent's ship. A hit on one of the side panels will force it to pop off and give the player a free shot at the other side; a hit forcing the sail off becalms the ship for a turn.

I stared at the baby blue sky as a single white cumulus rolled by like an old man taking a stroll on an empty street. I squinted my eyes as the cigarette smoked rolled into them. I hate Marlboros, in fact I hate cigarettes altogether, but it had been a long day and I deserved a smoke and some R and R on the roof. The sun set the west aflame with pink and orange fire as darkness peaked over the hills checking if it was safe to come out of hiding. Somewhere off in the distance I heard children playing and laughing with juvenile innocence and adults having a party somewhere discussing bills and news and anniversaries and birthdays and a slough of others things that I understood but didn’t give a shit about. To be 17 and to be blissfully ignorant was a phrase often used my hard assed stuck up English teacher Mr. Herdman. He believed all teenagers where thoughtless brutes, something akin to apes and it was his job as a “scholar” as he put it to give us knowledge and to reform our beast like ways. I feel that there are a million teachers like this in the world who can’t understand the fact that high schoolers for the most part are intelligent people, but for some reason we choose not to show it. Don’t ask me why, I don’t know why we do it. We can see the world for what it is but we blissfully turn a blind eye to keep up the persona of not giving a shit. But none of that matters, my thoughts ramble when I’m given too much free time. It’s July 5th and the ground is still littered with the corpses of fireworks from last night.

>>2751777
. I had spent all day performing the chores that I had neglected all week long, 6 hours and 5 trashbags of yard clippings later and our house looked as pristine as the ones next to it. As far as I know my family was the only one in the river hills community that doesn’t hire Mexicans to clean their yard. We definitely had the money but having other people do your work goes against my father’s ideals of land ownership or something to that nature. At this point I might as well introduce your narrator, I am Herman roland, and resident of River Hills gated community I live in a small town in Arizona and I have never been out of this state in all of my 17 mediocre years.

>>2751780
I rolled to my side on the roof and looked down to the street to west where the sun was still making its pilgrimage downwards an then lifted myself upright to the look at the road to the eastt where the shadows had already claimed the empty street. Then finally I gazed to the east where the small town of Bankcroft lay in a valley in the unforgiving desert. I stretched my tan legs while trying to keep my balance on the slanted roof. I tossed my cigarette down on to the finely graveled driveway and crawled back in to the third story window. The third story of my home consists of a half bathroom and a extra bedroom we use as a storage facility, full of boxes and chairs and a foosball table all covered with off white sheets which are thinly veiled in dust. I walked across the dusty room and down to my room on the second floor when I hear the door knock.

OP:

Remove the opening simile. If you use a simile, it better be DAMN good.

The way you introduce your teacher and the layout of your home are both extremely awkward. Your writing is flowing beautifully and then it's RED LIGHT LET ME AWKWARDLY TELL YOU THIS then the countryside drive continues.

Do you get what I am saying?

>>2751804
OP here, the introduction of vital information has never come easy to me and i appreciate the critique, any suggestions on how to ease into giving information?

>>2751748

I understand the need for 'poeticism' you've gotta make sure when you write, you write something that makes the reader go "Heh, I like the sound of that" and you've definitely got that idea in your writing.

But I think you're trying to make your whole story this incredibly written piece of creative art. It's alright to be a little poetic, but take a break from it and instead of trying to dazzle the reader try to connect with him.

> The sun set the west aflame with pink and orange fire as darkness peaked over the hills checking if it was safe to come out of hiding

> I heard children playing and laughing with juvenile innocence

>reform our beast like ways

> the sun was still making its pilgrimage downwards

These were all fairly good (except for maybe the last one, a pilgrimage is a holy journey not a sun setting) but you've used them in what would be the same page.

I want to read a story, not a collection of metaphors and similes ya know?

>>2751832
much appreciated, will be noted

>>2751804
This.
Also, start the story with the action. Don't give me back story, that can come later (if at all). Just start shooting or shagging.

Also your use of metaphor and simile is a bit overdone.Less is more.

>>2751777
I think R and R should be R&R, unless you did that on purpose. lThe sentence that goes "We can see the world for what it is but we blissfully turn a blind eye..." isn't clear. Don't explain what you meant, just make it clearer.

A lot of the details are boring, though I respect that they establish the main character's world views and attitudes - his annoyingly inconsistent attitudes of punctuated apathy. The description of how he gets rid of a cigarette and reenters the house is constipated by descriptions of the real estate properties of his 3rd floor.

>>2751804 nailed the biggest problem with your first paragraph. Other than that, you throw in some details here and there which feel irrelevant like "finely graveled driveway," which goes back to you having too many boring details. Finally, there are some obvious grammatical errors which you can find yourself.

>>2751847
I was torn between the calm opening or the eventful opening, but considering that this opening doesn't quite match the overall tone of story I'm going for, I'll probably rewrite it then post again tomorrow. Thank you very much btw

>>2751853
So in general the pace of the story should move quicker is what I'm pulling from this, thorw away details of every little thing and replace them with the story continuing, am I assuming correctly? also thank you for your input.

>>2751859
No problem. Just imagine you were describing a plane crash that you just saw to me. Would you start with a description of the plane taking off and the handsome pilot. Or just tell me the gory details?
Hook me into the action straight away, make me wonder why the protagonist is responding to the inciting incident in this way, tease me with the possibility that more detail is forthcoming.

Or just write some twilight fan fiction and make more money than god.

Can this turn into a critique general OP? I need advice on an opening paragraph.

>>2751884
I've gotten alot of good critiques and things to think about so go ahead and post what you've got!

>>2751874
Exactly. Read some classical works of literary fiction to see how much detail is enough. Your writing style should be unique though.

>>2751804
This was my post.

I just want to say that I see where a lot of these other posters are coming from, that they want to read a story and not a bunch of metaphors.

HOWEVER, I personally enjoy this "airy" writing style that is almost more poetry than prose.

I think that you need to pull back a bit to write a good story... but the way it is written isn't bad. If I opened a book and saw writing like this on the first page, I would be interested as long as the book was very short and these metaphors could continue without getting stale.

That said, I would prefer to read poetry over prose, so this is only two cents.

>>2751898
H-here I go!

The vulture stood atop the mass of bodies and preened it's blood soaked feathers. I stepped over a few of the bodies, stumbled, and found my foot sinking in one particularly ripe looking cadaver. As I neared the vulture, it's silhouette began shifting and distorting. It was a vulture when I looked at it from here, a dead body from another angle, and a girl when I got within a few paces of where it stood. It was now a hybrid, part woman and part vulture. Out of it's naked torso stuck two black wings. Towards the bottom, its belly plumped over its long spindly vulture legs. Complete vertical symmetry, and it's face was a measure of this. “Here, I made these for you.” it said in an inviting voice. It held out a platter, on which several sugary treats lay, encrusted with something red which I assumed to be frosting. I took one but had a bit of trouble eating it because my hands were falling apart, so my manners were quite sloppy. The girl gave me an endearing look “Oh, stop that. I don't think I can take any more.”

>>2751928

Continue....I'm interested

>>2751928
a little confused, but yearning for more

>>2751928
I'm sorry, but is this a vulture/woman then?

The word "vulture" occurs five times in what you wrote, but I am not reading about a vulture?

This passage is extremely confusing and needs to be rewritten. I am picturing Eomer from the Lord of the Rings movies explaining to Aragorn that he saw no hobbits during the previous night's raid on the orcs. I'm pretty sure that's not what you're going for.

>>2751928

I wat'ed so hard I I don't evened.

Just sat down and wrote this out, its my first time writing, so please be gentle.
Any advice for what I could do to improve my prose? I'm thinking of trying to copy other authors styles for my own short stories, until I'm comfortable enough with writing to try finding my own style, but I'm wondering if there are any rules I'm currently breaking and should focus on fixing.
My hand slipped softly into the silty stream, and I could feel my fingers numbing against the cold water. They closed softly around the bauble while the brook bubbled and the birds babbled amongst themselves. The sun was above me, and my back basked in its warmth, however the water was cold and I could feel the lack of feeling creeping into my fingers. The bridge upstream from me was vibrating with the force of a hundred stomping boots, and I could make out the young soldiers, their air of masculinity and handsome uniforms adding personality to the shapeless mass of bodies streaming past my stream. The scent of whiskey wafted out of their mouths and into my nose, and the cold crawling into my hand was temporarily forgotten.

>>2751928
What is it that you are trying to tell me? Is your hero changing somehow or dreaming.
You have also illustrated what a hybrid is, but given no context - why is she half vulture/women?

If the body looked ripe then why did you stand on it? Wouldn't it have been better for the body to look sturdy then collapse under your weight? Then you have the added bonus of the foul stench assailing your nostrils.

>>2752015
Go and get a dictionary.
Look up the word "alliteration"
Read your text again.

>>2751940
Okay!

The entire landscape was breast deep in naked bodies, and they undulated like a great big, red body of water. “Do you like it this way?” the vulture asked. I tried to reply, but I was overwhelmed by her face and voice as she spoke. Tears began streaming down my face, and a cool wave of elation swept over me. My tears fell to the ground, where they were absorbed by the intestines of whatever I was standing in. I looked out, and saw something rising from the body of bodies. It stretched up into the opaque sky. A few of the bodies clung to its surface, but quickly became entangled in it's many bladed gears, which stretched and tore them until the structure was neatly ornamented in gore. “What does it sound like?” asked the vulture. As it surfaced, the horizon sank further and further below us. Once it had risen completely out of the soft, gooey abyss, it was taller than the mound on which we stood. Its gears stooped abruptly, and it fell in our direction, the top of it skimming my torso and tearing off my remaining clothes. It hit the ground with a resounding “splat.”

>>2752030
I know what alliteration is, and I think it's a lot of fun. Should I avoid it in my writing, or is it alright to include it?

>>2752091
its nice but use in moderation

>>2752109
Ok, thanks

>>2752091
Alliteration.
Fun.
Pick one.

>>2752031
Feedback, pretty please.