/lit/ - Literature

bumping because this went quite well last time

seriously c/lit/orises?

Nothing?

Maybe I'll try later when the euro's are back on...

gone say the bitches with they eyes on they heartstrings
a fever for a fevered head like dust settle daydreams
and motherfuckers step up
keep they crook monkey necks up
a siren is a dope fiend with a felled angel's getup
and what is the word:

let the rain not downward fall
let they heads in grief stay dry
as lucky summer all

As lilied draw the gilded from their
corners in the blanket fog
come nether also hellfire sprung
all eyes and eyes neglected
to reap wild naked all the lying seed


Godhead rises to the keel of kneeling limb
arched and tiltlike and as the brows of they
Sisyphus in flesh and blistered marble
wretch'd and lash'd and only for a throe in lusty Peitho


Their bellows echo swelling thrushed and gulletborn
in vain
and tallowed rhapsody
though faint and near unseen
Come
harp and sound
and savage wind
and all that kindling peppered down
All feverborn, they
Calling out and
lilting heaven's voice ere daylight's eve

I got an internal combustion engine that’s a squealin’ and a steamin’ and grindin’ to a dead halt. With my steel bones and heart of lead, a hole in that crucible o’ love that shed and bled from a jagged fault.

I was built by some demented genius with a dream of world domination schemes; a plottin’ for naught but revenge ‘gainst a land that no longer listens. “IGOR!” he shouts, “Fire up those crimson pistons!” And that hunchback wretch does happily oblige.

I awake in a rampage with pieces of my brothers and sisters hangin’ from my teeth, underneath an entirely unremarkable moon. I wipe my face clean to reveal a wild smile with a thirst for knowledge and the blood of apes who have taken to the streets too soon.

They brought their pitchforks and torches hopin’ to scorch the very meaning from my brain. Chased to the top of a high skyscraper with a blonde in one fist and my pills in the other, I fell back to earth again.

So we’ll gather up the pieces in a big wheel barrow and make ready to do it again tomorrow.

>>2645154
You posted a different version of that last time, I like how this one quickens up at the end though. Pretty hot.

>>2645172

yeah, i realized i posted it in this same thread last time.

thanks

>>2645175
No need to delete it though, it was pretty good.

>>2645177

As lilied draw the gilded from their
corners in the blanket fog
come nether also hellfire sprung
all eyes and eyes neglected
to reap wild naked all the lying seed


Godhead rises to the keel of kneeling limb
arched and tiltlike and as the brows of they
Sisyphus in flesh and blistered marble
wretch'd and lash'd and only for a throe in lusty Peitho


Their bellows echo swelling thrushed and gulletborn
in vain
and tallowed rhapsody
though faint and near unseen
Come
harp and sound
and savage wind
and all that kindling peppered down
All feverborn, they
Calling out and
lilting heaven's voice ere daylight's eve

>>2645158
Haha this is pretty cool. Could it work as two seperate stories? I'm struggling to see the link between the first 2 stanzas and the last 3.

>>2645195

The entire poem is about comparing myself to movie monsters, one leading right into the next (Robot, Frankenstein's monster, Wolfman, and King Kong).

>>2645220
Deep

Cigars, Stars, and Thoughts of Existence


My lips are numb from a good cigar

and I gaze into the sky and wonder where we are

Because the night is black and the stars are bright

and I can't help but marvel at this glorious sight

We are all so small and dumb and vile

but at the very same time I can't help but smile

At the thought that I'm here in this wondrous place

with my own slice of existence in time and space

So I stare straight up at all the stars

and think of faraway places like the moon and mars

And how I can look and see them with my very own eyes

just as they are with no disguise

Yes we're small and dumb and vile and mundane

but there are thoughts in my head like a speeding train

To think that those lights are where I'm from

a different star for my finger or thumb

So as Tyson said - we exist in the cosmos

but at the very same time the cosmos is in us

We are a way for the universe to know itself

and this very simple fact astounds me

>>2645236
Not bad, don't get bogged down in rhyme though its stifling.

all this.

>>2645323
Feel free to post one of yours, bro.

Her eyes, cold and grey and blank
Staring across the riverbank
Looking all day, day for day,
The pretty Lorelay


Oh, question! Are short poems just as valid as longer ones, or are they rated on a lower scale?

>>2645354
Uhh I'd say everything is valued on its own expressive merit but you'd probably be expected to pack a similar amount of feels into a short piece as you would a longer one. You have to make the words count so to speak.

>captcha: some hebrew shit

I make the windy days.

Here a daughter
holding my hand, and

here a lover, running

to deliver me salt
sieved from the sea;

company, on my lonely essay.

wafer paper in hand,
tobacco brittle and dried in the heat
is autonamously placed
gently stretched along the length of it

small card section eased into shape
to define the body
placed whilst pushing the shades of brown
slight compaction

worn yellowed fingertips
repeat the task at hand
massaging the cigarette
coaxing it to form

jammed between lips
hands now searching, finding the key
click, flame, apply
i smoke again

Whadda ya think?

bump

Everyone step the fuck back and prepare your bodies, an excerpt from my poetry colleciton is coming.

Mutiny!

A desire has set ablaze your vessel.
It’s licking flames leave you tongue tied with
The words “abandon ship!” on its tip.
Throw yourself overboard into
the roaring torrents of a tearful ocean,
Or seek vein hope in a life raft:
to delay the inevitable.
Embrace the ragging desire and let yourself become engulfed by its flames:
Let desire become both your destroyer and savior.
Let it spend you at both ends.

>>2645488
I am visibly distressed by this, good work.

>>2645095
OP, not bad, but your subject matter has been done to death. Sounds exactly like a poet whom I can't recall right now...

Oh here it is!
Auden-"As I Walked Out One Evening"
Both his poem and your poem end with clocks
"The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on."

>>2645158
Not poetry.

>>2645236
No offense, but it's pretty elementary (though a pleasant read).

The Cold has grown more than skin-deep
Youthful Colours stifled in their glow, but
Think not that Gloom is Life's entire cast,
We are where the Futures kiss the Past.

Watch my temple rising with
stones taken from crumbling men
each one falling off their pedestals
their children robbed of breath

My feet rests upon the wicked
their chores, most faithful service
very soon the wheel of fortune
will roll the juggernaut on

from dust to dust and dust again
they are all candles in the wind
round and round the wild bonfires
My very last dance begins

Further than the eye can see
A half-forgotten song is sung
While she who soon knows herself
sets the rhythm with her drums

The actors lay their art to rest
their hands enjoined and entwined
with dancers, worming through solid earth,
The ground is harrowed by trumpet sounds

There is beauty sighing in the coils,
There it is, in the dusty ground.
For those who cannot see it, woe,
And I am king of this destruction.

Would that it could last forever,
My refuge for the broken young.
But drums slow down to pace of walking,
And redemption will silence us.

Wasserleiche

Es gibt ein Mädchen im Moor
Ihre Augen Weiß, ihr Haut noch so Blau
Und Fragend blickt sie dem Himmel empor

Und welcher Schrecken ist ihr Wiederfahren?
Ein Teufel lockte sie an und raubte ihr den Atem
So wurde sie zu müd’ zurückzukehren

Und was macht sie jetzt einsam in ihrem Grab?
Sie hütet nun die Kinder als die Blumen
An den sie ihr Leben und Leibe gab.

Here. It's German and it's probably wrong. But Shit, I think German's strong point is poems.

>>2645511
Meh (not impressed)

>>2645525
Is this dedicated to Robert Baratheon?

No but seriously, you could do better. (I like the first stanza, it sounds a bit familiar though...)
2 stanza reads like English as a Second language
3 stanza is awful
4 narration
5 flowery narration
6 better (sorta)
7 unsatisfying conclusion.

Make it clear what exactly is going on. The way I interpret it, is that a king lamenting over his position in life while traveling and enjoying music/entertainment?

Correct me if I'm wrong.

>>2645491
Thanks bro appreciate the input, hadn't heard of that one but will look into it.

The only thing I was able to write in the last weeks:

I never fucked you, mom
Then why have you left me with a
son?

>>2645536

Thanks for the critique. I'm not really much of a poet but once in a while I get high...or just suffer altitude sickness.

I didn't think of Robert Baratheon when I wrote it, but now that you've mentioned it I wish I had and probably get some Sean bean action in as well. The poem in question, using a very loose definition of "poem", was actually a very oblique and admittedly a very vague reference to this Hindu belief that when Shiva dances the world ends. or so they say. But I actually like that it could be interpreted very differently from what I originally envisaged, how a single work can be seen through very different lenses. That or the multiplicity of interpretation is a failure on my part to be clear. I reckon its the latter.

The last part was, indeed, very so-so...inadequate. I was running out of ideas and my descriptions were going round and round the same mental scene, with nowhere to go and nothing to develop into. It was premature birth, and as such it came out poorly developed.

Once again, thanks for the critique.

Violet said aloud:

"Already with thee! tender is the night…
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.”

Vicious night, take me away
From this vile, angst ridden state.
I cannot think nor love nor breathe,
All emotions are replaced by hate.
I abhor this existence, this dependence
On prescriptions and poxy love.
Give me my peace,
Give me my white gilded dove.

Tender is the night
That doth shelter my despair
And bring forth the love I bare.

Violet.
Violet.
Violet!

>>2645606
>>2645606
I'm sorry but...blughuck!t

Can't See the End

It's so hard to breathe when you're made of stone:
A pile of ire: The result of years alone
Doused in acid rain, falling from the empty skies
Left cast aside by vermin in attempts to be wise
Soldiers march, but in the end they're plagued by regret
A pillar of humanity that you could not beget
So take your vain actions and fall right back into line
I'm not afraid of death, I'm just afraid of losing time

Huddled up masses with heads hung in shame,
Cursing their luck or perhaps their own fate.
They shuffle together without forming words,
Saving themselves from the potential hurt.
But silence heals nothing, and they soon will see
The damage they've done to themselves and they'll be
A vessel of regret for their numbered years.
They finally scream as the burns start to sear.

>>2645832
meh.

It's almost a solemn critique on society, plus a carpe-diem sort of poem. Not doing anything for me though...

>>2645838
I appreciate the honesty, Anon.

Humanity, the self proclaimed fine wine
Has been squeezed from the ages
Slipping out of the brine
And sneaking through phases
Now our dawn is here, or are we at dusk
We love to think that we're close
On the edge, on the cusp

The end of the world
So darkly foreboding
But what is far more apparent
Is that we're filled with self loathing
Deep from the source
Of a twisted pollution
The minds of the moguls
Who look to YOU for solutions
Theres a mocking poison in our waters
...And all kinds of confusion

Now is not the time for anger,
For radicalisation
Don't drown a man in your morals
Thats its own kind of dictation
Step back, Hold Court, Empty your mind
Soak in that vast ocean of knowledge
We call the internet
Leave emotion behind

An enlightened day will come.
Our rivers will run hard
Burst quick and expel
Ruthlessly casting out our detritus
Then we can age well

>>2645916
Ok, so this is what I'm going to say: don't listen to roaches who say that the most important thing about your poetry, is that you enjoy it.

Poetry (like music) is best created with an audience in mind. Poetry is best shared rather than hoarded. With that being said, know what kind of audience you are writing to.

Let's start with this poems structure: a couple of slant-rhymes and rhymes, but other wise free-verse.

No for the subject matter. It seems to me, more moralizing (similar to this poem in that respect >>2645832). Are you the same author?

Anyway, if moralizing or pontificating is your objective, you're very superficial in that respect. Don't "fire out" poems like you do with diarrhea shits. Take some time on it (5 hours+, 10 if you really want to be boss). Think about what profound things you want to say, or unique and interesting ways you want to relate ideas.

What you see in a lot of these poems, is that the start is good, then it quickly loses steed and becomes mundane. Enthusiasm and quality should be maintained through out the poem. Work on that.

I liked the first half of the first stanza, the rest is pontificating garbage (no offense). Have a better idea of what ideas you want to relate, and take more time.

:)

>>2645958

Firstly thanks for the criticism and no I am not the same author. This was a rushed piece of 1hr as I wanted to contribute but did not have a piece to give. I'm not sure if I agree that my subject matter was overly moralising, you can't get less moralising than essentially saying do not douse a man in morals. And heretowith! May a man not pontificate! Nay hide yourself deeper for your art!

But in all seriousness, thanks for the critique.

"Imitation be
flattery's 'ighest form," said
the blackface minstrel.

>>2645180
Best one in thread.
Seriously guys, you need to work on your vocabularies. These aren't bad, but they sound like they were written by high school students.

>>2646152
I'm pretty critical of this poem. I instinctively dislike OC poems that a) use old-fashioned language and b) contain typos (I'm guessing "lilied" is supposed to be "lilies"). There's nothing inherently poetic about old-fashioned language and, although sometimes an old word might be the best choice, there's really no point in writing "wretch'd and lash'd" in a piece of non-metrical verse (unless you're John Ashbery or something). Furthermore, if the poet has slaved over the poem - which is probably necessary - the typos should iron themselves out more or less naturally.

Having said that, the weird syntax is fun. It just needs to lose its grandiose register.

With languorous strides of discrepancy,
From the view of his quarry, the hunter absconds.

Unlike nothing else I should dote upon
Rising earlier than Ra for a glimpse
The skies then part, as I stifle a yawn
Paradise regained plus with innocence.
From my tree I cannot branch out further,
Relegated to observations and senses
A cry comes forth; Serenity murdered,
Beauty in solitude, she leaves again hence.

>>2646152

thanks, man!

>>2646200

i appreciate the critique, anon.
though there are no typos, the words are all intentioned

You can't battle me anon
Am shooting back your cannon
Raping your mother in her sleep
Storming your father in his creep
You gonna fail to escape in time
I'll be nigging here with crime

roses are led, violets are said, flowers are stupid, just stay in your bed

>>2645180
Too pretentious.
Extensive vocabulary =/= good poem
Big words don't make a poem good.

>>2648138
>>2648138
what makes a good poem?

I walk to the door. Stop. There is light creeping from under. Stop. There are dark shadows breaking the light from creeping under the door. Who could this be I ask myself in curiosity. Stop. My curiosity has been tickled under the chin by the dark shadows breaking the light from creeping under the door. Stop. I reach a hand toward the brass handle. Stop. I recoil in horror when I see what the shadow turned out to be. Stop.

>>2648143
Dunno, but it has to feel natural, not like something you googled words for and/or used antique English in order to sound smart.
There was a guy who posted here, an avatar fag, he had the most delicious poems I had ever seen on this board. And they were complex but understandable and only dropped big words when necessary.

>>2648153
and of course, I assume you have nothing of his to post?

>>2648153
....
are you twelve?

>>2648155
I saved a screeenshot from one of his poems when he still posted. Only one I haz.

>>2648161
Yes, because your opinion differs from mine I am 12.

>>2648138
>sees a couple "big" words
>PRETENTIOUS
seriously before i clicked on what post you were referring to i thought i was going to see a torrent of esoteric vocabulary. fuck off you pleb twat.

>>2648163
lol I know that guy. he posts on /mu/ now. loved his poems, I think there are a couple of threads on the archive.

>>2648168
>Couple of big words
Unnecessary. Aesthetics are important, and apparently for him using oh so pseudo-intellectual big words is something that is not only necessary but the most important part of the poem.
>>2648169
I didn't know that.

>>2648163
>Just ride the train
>Go insane

The guy quotes doors lyrics AND posts with a picture of Jim Morrison and he still manages to wow you. Wait till I bust out John Lennon.

>>2648163
Dude, that's Jimanon. He posted here for like 3-4 months, still remember him.

>>2648163
>>2648169
that poem is awful.

>>2648177
actually was on that thread, he explained that shit. not sure if it's not in the archive.
also,
>use one similar expression
>use "go insane", which I'm pretty sure it's not copyrighted and has been said BEFORE the doors
>integral copy

>>2648179
>Yfw

the clown man has circles on his face
and dead seagulls in his pockets
he throws popcorn at the children
and plans to destroy the world with model rockets

like a tiger leaping high

into the clouds just to catch

a goddamn kite but when it grabs the thing

there isn’t any blood so the tiger goes to his manager

and bitches him out

well, after that

I dived into a neon light and I ended up in Guatemala

I guess there’s something to be said about getting lost in the night

but I swear to God if I can’t get home

I’m going to burn down every last club on the Earth

There’s a lonely road

on a lonely hill

and all the sun shimmering off

the rolling curves of that green

squirrel infested lump of dirt

that could never be a mountain

could never really

blind me

>>2648163
Oh god that guy was the biggest asshole on this board. Pretentious, annoying, obnoxious and with a superiority complex. Almost as bad as Deep&Edgy.
Despite that, I loved his poetry. Even Hitler can make something beautiful, I guess.

There are many that nap

in ditches

Without regard

Without hope

With only their misery to warm them

They say

These people need our help

But they refuse

I can extend my hand

for days

and they would lay there

their eyes on the sky

their hearts in the dirt

their minds marinating in chemicals

This, here,

is the art of selfishness

This is the hero

that turns his back

This is the man

who knows he is free

If you could remember me

so that the next

brighter day

when the dead are Recovered

I can return and recover as well

>>2648194
was about to hivemind on that. awful person, good writing. if I look through my /lit/ folder I might find the short story about the jazz thingy.

Open and sincere shallow waves

Form the perfect atmosphere as always

White sheets, haphazard, thrown over

Billowing coalescence, sun soaked

Simple and luminescent for the night

Ghosts in gray promenade

Seething voices, maleficent, drops of vascular vanities

Chafing and spoiling an

Otherwise pleasant facade

Freedom in emulsion, an oxymoron to be sure

Rarities abide by regulation

Regulation abides by the malcontent

Malcontent become rarities, improbability, quintessence

Every kind of essence poured through a kaleidoscope

Sending their regards to a king of garbage

Simplified and undoubted

Unmitigated, unclouded

Sand and pressure create stone

And brittle as ever it crumbles in our very palms

>>2648198
What?
Leaving this thread anyways, other than OP's and Benny Profane's poetry, this was awful.

>>2648173
Those big words only stand out to you because you're too concerned with metapoetry--or what the poet is trying to convey and the personality of the poet, rather than the poem. I know this is true because the poem you refer to really does not use much dense vocabulary and you seem to attack the poet as much as the poem. You are most likely more pretentious than anyone else here by thinking your critique is worthy of being noticed, but it isn't, because your arguments are fucking pathetic and you make it so obvious you're a fucking failure of a writer that the fact that you even continue responding with these "critiques" is laughable.

Anyone ordered big fancy words and rhyme overdose?
--------------------

Leaping through conventional looms
Leveraging the insecure heirlooms
Unfolding restructured and sulfur flew'd
Projection crops wagering and brewed
Spherical Angles approach and delude

Devastated you achieve your prosthetic blame
Pulverizing your entire post-range shame
I proclaim this temple of carnage and came
To realize, sustain and aggravate my claim
You cross my doubtful sinless pair
Building the pompous unraveling stair
Dare, sinister lair, preposterous indigenous bear

Arrhythmic mentions supplement stood
Lamented maim scolding infested hood
Plotting scarfs have drown you down
Treading the mill of a wind-full crown
Pattern eating floors arrive at null

Susceptible mislabeled meritorious skull
Stories affiliates incestuous thrall
Deep in stager and toroidal install
The same dismal tore in sore
Another abysmal roar in gore

Restore, rhetoric of flowing stale and songful plain.
Blinding derivative stutter linger ingrain
Dressing gates, wishing blight mates
Leeching the thoughtful and storing the rakes
This concludes the journey of the frames
Apace with disdain vacant it reigns

>>2648187
No.
>Ride the train
>Go insane
TWO expressions. Ride the train being repeated throughout one of the doors most famous songs - The End. coupled with a picture of morrison.

>>2648209

I enjoyed this one. I was good. It was pleasing.
You. Feel good about yourself.

>>2648209

>Susceptible mislabeled meritorious skull
>Stories affiliates incestuous thrall
>Deep in stager and toroidal install
>The same dismal tore in sore
>Another abysmal roar in gore

Super pretentious but i like this part.

I dont even understand half of these poems...to be honest...
and generous...

....anyways...w/r/t good poetry...it's not something you even have to think about...you just recognize it and it doesn't take long...

>>2648213
Endorphin orgy ensues.

>>2648210
>Ride the train
>Not Ride the snake
Do you even Doors, retard?

>ou're too concerned with metapoetry--or what the poet is trying to convey and the personality of the poet, rather than the poem. I know this is true because the poem you refer to really does not use much dense vocabulary and you seem to attack the poet as much as the poem
I don't even know the poet, so the need to "attack" him rather than his poetry (which is pretentious and pseudo-intellectual, like I said) is something you and you alone devised. I don't use an extensive vocabulary to communicate because I am not trying to impress anyone. If I am going to write something, then I might and only when necessary.

>You are most likely more pretentious than anyone else here by thinking your critique is worthy of being noticed, but it isn't, because your arguments are fucking pathetic and you make it so obvious you're a fucking failure of a writer that the fact that you even continue responding with these "critiques" is laughable.
Yes, your opinion on the matter certainly matters more than mine, oh veteran writer. Is your critique of me being noticed, yet mine of his writing not?
>Arguments are fucking pathetic
You're attacking me now, not my arguments.
>Failure as a writer
And I supposed you have published books?
>Laughable
At least we agree on something, you are a pool of mind-numbing gag.
Also, put your trip back on Benny.

>>2648218
I also didn't think it was pretentious.

>>2648209
pretentious....over...load...

>>2648229

Attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed.

Why is that poem pretentious?

Peep hole and a whole of stagnant lines
Weeping mothers copulate and dry
Unintelligible brides you fetch in
Side salad unconscious mind
Prime and dime lake in
tears you lie naked
As these words
Become short
And smaller
In rhyme
A crime
Shame
I,can't
Eat
a
>pie

>>2648247
Oh god, leave now.

>>2648260
Whats your favorite pie?

Even electronic brain pancake crystal elderly.