/lit/ - Literature

>So, writers of /lit/, what are you working on?
Dinner.
>Story ideas, writing excerpts, share a bit of the story that's on your mind.
No.

I am writing a story about young man and woman from different social spheres connecting and falling into a deep romance. Then circumstances betray them and he is forced to move away and fight in a war or something out of his control. She marries someone pleasant and suitable out of obligation to her interfering parents, but feels an inevitable lack. Her original boyfriend comes back and after a lot of inner turmoil they get back together and live happily.

Oh, there might be some social commentary about how black people have a hard life, or about women having limited choices, but haven't decided yet.

I'm in the planning stages of a collaboration project, a picture/comic book. It's with an artist acquaintance of mine and although so far it's going really well I'm scared our art will be dissonant (he is well established and a little famous whereas I'm only just bordering on getting something published).

i used to be pretty good at writing stuff off the top of my head, but years of working hard made me neglect that skill.
I started writing again two days ago, just to get the feel back.
It's pretty much a horror story, with a psychological twist (DUH!), and i know it's pulp.
I'll write the very beginning of that new story below.

“Can you believe this place?”
Susan turned around to face Mark, and walked backwards with open arms as if to grab the room from end to end.
Mark gave the nearest wall a tap. The hollow sound reminded him that he owner had told him of the half-brick wall he put up for looks.
“She’s a beaut alright”.
Suzy gave him a smile and approached him, wrapping her arms around his neck with enough force to break his balance.
“Okay now, easy”
She peered into his eyes intently.
“Do you love me?”
“You’re unpleasant.”
She smirked.
She dashed away to the other side of the living room where the big window opened up into the veranda. She was chirping something he couldn’t understand as he walked up to the middle of the room.
“They left the orchids! Look hon, they left them!”

Mark stood in the middle of the room, contemplating its walls, doors, windows and floor. There came an uneasiness about the room whispering faintly into his ears, but that soon passed as he contemplated how the sun’s path would have the place drenched in sunlight from dawn to dusk.
“Good house” he muttered, and turned to join Susan in the yard.

>would you keep reading?

>>2617427

>>2617427
Is yard a metaphor or euphemism for something sexy?

The cart's wheels cartwheel spun in jingoed frenzy with the palmoil lacquered floor. A rush of men with tanker shoulders lashed the corners of the necro box to safety with their elbows fore the fall. The cart spun out from under toward the stooping wall with velvet plush, lined for brows bent raw before the eyes of watching Father. Shrugging up a few feet and a final pull, the box got up on stage, sliding on and to the stage's softwood runners. Licks of sweat screamed flinging from the flicker of a dozen meaty wrists, their clothes unmucked but spotted with the touch of spotty firstrain. A heavy sigh or two. The sound of clacking metal, loud as bellows from the mouths of babes. The ruckus back out further than the arms of Christ uplifted, high and reigning on the backwall: a clatter like the storm outside in virgin brew. Tempest, God Almighty. Lift the tempest.
let the rain not downward fall
let they heads in grief stay dry
as lucky summer all
Though the wind will come as always. Clatter like the shots from out a muddy trigger: ruddy bloodied mess, the hounds of hell with teeth all bared for gutting: the city in her sorry virgin sleep. All deaf and beltlashed naked, she. Come sorry wind what may. Keep calling out for something sorry other. Paint them as you painted home. Dust and plenty of it. A clatterlurch in back of church. Firstrain on the mayearth.

>>2617453
what?
do you not feel an instant connection with the characters?
no sense of impending doom yet?
does the setting not ground you in the story enough?

>>2617466
no, neither is "join"

>>2616817
>tfw you want to select spoiler in OP's image

>>2617492
a freestanding structure gaping apathetic mouthfuls where the lovelorn oxen roosted. Nary a canary that would sing the dirge that follows morning sickness.
Hark the rattling worms as they sink into the monsoon leaving breastless cartoons to dry. A mother's handkerchief blazes the trail.
"Too soon" said the wise man, stirring the pot.
"Too soon will we fall victim to the praise of mountains".
Only later would he see the fall of dainty men in the kitchen.

>>2617510

why is this in reply to mine?

>>2617515
isn't it obvious?

>>2617516

Is it because our styles are loosely similar?

>>2617519
i thought i'd blurt something out in that style, yes

t a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques.

I call it; Billy and the Cloneasaurus.

I am attempting a,novel for the second time. I've been a short-fiction writer for years, and my previous attempt at novel-writing was an hideous abortion, so-- fingers crossed.

it is the tale of two desperate, strung-out con-men who meet and, via their attempts to use and exploit one another, inadvertently become close friends. Unfortunately, the very tendencies that drew them together end up, obviously, destroying their friendship/partnership.

It is based on a true story, as they say.

>>2617551


However, as of a few hours ago, I am working on not writing any more of it for a bit, as I'm having troubles and need to sortum out.

>>2617556
Everything okay Plazdawg?

>>2617558


Yeah,just problems that seem inherent in the novel format vs. the short story format. I had a whole thread about it earlier, to which I only received sarcastic responses. In truth, I deserved them. I am shit at the sort of quick, glib. responses that make one popular on an imageboard-- especially when I'm sleep-deprived and overworked. I need time to REVISE...

but, anyway. Yeah, I was trying to find anyone who had ever completed a novel--even an awful, unpublishable one--in order to figure out how they get around the problem of becoming weary of one's own written voice.

This is becoming a big, soul-draining problem.

Gonna do a bunch of little things, I guess, then start up on a big thing at the end of the year. It's a comic, though, so I don't know how much interest there is in that on here.

I'm trying to figure out how to write a proper stutter without making it seem contrived. So far I'm thinking heavy stutter on uncommon consonants, light stutter on common ones and a light stutter on instances of the letter " i ".

>>2617565
>but, anyway. Yeah, I was trying to find anyone who had ever completed a novel--even an awful, unpublishable one--in order to figure out how they get around the problem of becoming weary of one's own written voice.

If you're talking about the voice that says 'Why are you writing this, you can write better, scrap this and go onto something else' that never lets you finish anything - I know that feel. I couldn't finish any fictional writing, but recently I've been trying some Journalist stuff, just sending little stories and things into publications. It hasn't been much at all - 600 words - But it was a small victory because most of the time I couldn't finish anything I started. I just focused on the idea of it being published, and how cool that would be, and eventually I had two things written and I was proud of them. Just try focusing on the big picture, and the end result - Where you want that story to end up. Picture it on the shelf, or telling your friends you have a published work, and eventually that'll drive you to finish it and make it worth the read. Well... For me, anyway.

If you're not than I'm sorry, I hope you can find a solution soon.

>>2617574
Maybe it's best not to get it down to a formula. I don't really know, the advice I was given was always to keep things like that just to where the reader is consistently aware of it.

is this: >>2617427
passable pulp?

>>2617580


Thanks for taking an interest. I don't think my problem is quite so profound as yours was: I can turn out--and have readily turned out--decent short fiction for years. This is just a function of the length of the project and the depth of obsession involved. I can look at the last chapter I wrote,and say, 'Well, this is good stuff,' but at the same time I'm just tired of my own written voiçe, and I feel as though it lacks the 'zing' of previous chapters.

Short fiction's fantastic, because you can change your narrative voice from one story to the next; in the novel, I'm stuck being this same type of author-figure for the Whole. Bloody. Thing.

So far, your advice is the best I've received; I'm just going to have to do that, although the idea of this monstrosity being complete seems so distant that it's an abstraction-- I hardly even know how to begin to imagine.
</waterworks.>

ANYWAY...
What about these journalistic pieces, then? Are you writing them for a regular publisher, as in, a steady gig? Or are you spreading your work around?

>>2617590

>'Do you love me?'
>'You're unpleasant.'

Kava-based smoothie through nostrils.

I must get some sleep.

But, yeah, I suppose. You said you'd composed that on the spot, and given that I have no context in which to place it, I'd say 'passable pulp' dialogue is an excellent description.

Y'know, though...put it in a narrative and revise and repeat..

>>2617606
Have you shown other people your work? Got a different voice? It may seem like the last chapter doesn't have sing, but maybe it does. Or something like that. It's hard to judge your own work, really. And yeah, I understand where you're coming from now - I've never tried anything overly long, but I can see how that would become boring.

The Journalist thing isn't any steady gigs, I'm still young (just turned 18 today, actually), so I haven't really tried to go for any big jobs yet. I'm just writing some small stuff and sending them as submissions into a big Australian Magazine - They get thousands though, so you've got to be pretty special. It's all learning experience at the end of the day, though.

>>2617614
give me a first page off one of your works

I am working on some kind of mafia story; The main characters are pens and office equipment, the setting is the office of a real, human mafia boss.
The mafia boss pen is a filler with black ink.

>>2617616

Jesus, just turned 18... I'm 30 in a few months. You sound well on your way, then... I wasn't first published (well outside of school publications and music zines) till I was 21. Good on ya.

Anyway, yeah, I have an unofficial editor who reads my stuff a chapter at as time, and she's brilliant--she really is--but sometimes I'm concerned that she and I are too much alike, so... yeah.

Alright, since metzker wants a sample, as well, I'll provide one. In my next post is (roughly) the first page of my novel.

I appreciate the input, guys (gals?).

>>2617628
Does he whack Paperclips?

Will the paperweights be helping the rubberbands to sleep with the fishes?

In all seriousness, that sounds pretty fucking cool.

>>2617632
>Will the paperweights be helping the rubberbands to sleep with the fishes?
Yeah, for example.

I'll try to make the pens have professions that fit their actual "office"-use.
Text markers are reporters, calculators are bookies.

The mafia boss' right-hand man is a fat black edding who likes to pinch the ladypencils' erasers.

I'm writing a short story about a man who finds himself in Hell by accident. Since they can't just send him back to life and have his corpse re animate, and they have no room for him, they decide to eliminate him from existence entirely.

I posted it a while back. It's still not done, even though it's really short, cause im a lazy fucker

>>2617635
Are you going to have it a bit silly or totally serious? Like The Godfather or Goodfellas but with office shit? Because I'd totally read it if it was some epic, long winded story about rival families (desks, I'll assume?) at war or something.

Either way, I stand by my notion - That is a cool idea.

>>2617640
Not a bit silly. I don't want people to think this is "Toy Story but with office equipment and all dark and gritty xD". It's supposed to be completely serious.

>>2616817
I'm writing a story based in a city that is similar to a post-apocalyptic city you'd see in books and film. Complete with shitty buildings that are falling apart.


Or Glasgow as it's known.

It will use the cut-up technique using twitter/tumblr/blogspot posts by outsider lit personalities such as Sam Pink, Noah Cicero, Tao Lin, Miranda July, Megan Boyle, Stephen Tully Dierks, Marie Calloway, Ben Brooks, xTx, Ana C, Crispin Best and Steve Roggenbuck.

The first sentence is:
"i will spraypaint the twitter handle of my 500,000th follower on 50 different, illegal, outdoor locations in brooklyn ( > 2' x 6" size)"

I will release it for free so I do not have to pay loyalties.

1. 'Opportunity knocks once and the door slams shut.'

Say what you will about poverty and manual labour, but there is, without question, a very special emotional glow that slowly suffuses through a young man at the end of a gruelling stint at the day-labour exchange: a glow that--despite the heaviness of his head upon his shoulders and the burning of the muscles of his back and legs--puts a cushion of air beneath his bootheels as he turns from the cash machine, crumples the receipt in his fist, and waves farewell to the day's comrades before hitting the streets to meet the challenge of the approaching night.
As things went for me in the late spring of 2001, the primary challenge lay in locating a place to sleep. However, as this was my third straight day of savage and excruciating work and I was operating on an hollow stomach, reliant solely upon a dwindling supply of dexedrine tablets to keep one foot before the next as I made my way back into town, I knew that I would be incapable of any sort of meaningful thought without a brief respite from the seemingly-limitless urgency and uncertainty that permeated my daily life. On my meagre income, derived primarily from day-labour and twice-weekly sales of my blood plasma, my options for recreation were very few; and, because I had somehow injured my shoulder during the day's travails, it seemed that of those sparse options, only the ones that involved drinking were actually viable. I therefore sprinted across the street, turned a corner and set off in in search of a bar.

I am writing a novel. It is a love story where the two main characters have to overcome a series of obstacles to solidify their union.

not even trolling

A short story.

About a guy who can't deal with not being as smart as he thought.

Vincent's Ear was a tiny cafe just off of Lexington Avenue, a brief, seven-minute walk from the labour exchange. It was possessed of a wonderful, shady grotto of a patio, shielded from the bustle and prying eyes of the street normals by a picturesque, ivy-entwined, wrought-iron gate. As it was the beating heart of the city's punk scene, it was more often than not heavily populated with a motley assortment of eccentrics-- a feature which put me at ease and made it an easy choice for my off-hours base of operations. Tall cans of Pabst could be gotten there for $1.50 apiece, and it was for that reason that I opened the gate, weaved between the round concrete tables of the grotto, descended the stairs, and pushed my way within.
As bent and drained as I was, I elected to forgo my typical seat on the veranda, in favour of an unoccupied booth near the bar, into the vinyl corner of which I could slump, bundling my denim vest behind my brain stem to ease the day's accumulated strain and tension. I got two beers from Jim at the bar, who greeted me distractedly in his offhand manner. I sat down and closed my eyes.
(2/3)

I am not capable of having either:
>a young adult male
>a person who only in the slightest looks like me
>a person who shares a name with someone I know
as a main character, because I am really afraid that people might make a connection between me and the things I write or the characters in it.
I really can't help it, I can't even use first person perspective for the main character.

>>2617659
Also, fun fact, that's how I came up with the office equipment mafia story. No humans as main characters, you know.

As I sat and sipped and smoked, I took a bit of inventory. I had two-thirds of a pack of cigarettes, six-and-a-half 20mg dexedrine tablets, and about forty-five dollars. I was surviving. As I rolled this thought around my mind, I closed my eyes, nestled into my makeshift pillow, and surveyed the sounds around me. A young man in a leather duster argued with his girlfriend in a shadowed corner; another expressed his vulgar relief to a friend upon returning from the lavatory. The air conditioner thrummed rhythmically behind the barman, who sat upon a stool, flipping idly through a magazine about tattoos. Something early-'80s and broodingly English played muddily on a boombox stereo concealed behind the bar. There was the grinding creak of the injured joint in my left shoulder--more felt than heard--every time I lifted the beer to my lips. There was the crackle of my cigarette's ember upon each inhalation, the rustle and crunch of papers in my vest pockets as I relaxed further into them, and the almost imperceptible breeze of the A.C.'s gentle exhalations. Over everything was superimposed the distended roar of my body's blood in its brain: huge and dense and hypnotic.

Jesus, what a nightmare.


all done.

>>2617671
Interesting.

>>2617654
>veranda
hey! i wrote about a veranda first in >>2617427
stop stealing my stuff man

>>2617635


can't determine why, but I love this concept. Particularly that it will be deadly-serious.

>>2617659

Me, AI have the opposite problem. I feel like this is the only way for me to do things in order that the people who know me don't think I'm trying to bullshit them.

Of course, I don't always bow to this irrational foiblle, but I did for the novel. Names will be changed, etc., but there's no concealing who's who.

>>2617676


Ha! I didn't even think of that.

I wrote this,chapter three months,ago, and my editor has the postmarked envelope to prove it!
(of course, it's opened, but...

ah, forget it.

>>2617672

Is that in response to my work, or the exasperated commentary?

[by the way, please forgive spelling/ punctuation errors; I'm on my tablet, and fixing them is so time-consuming and irritating, and I haven't slept in 28hrs and I CBA.)

>>2617659
>>2617662
Hah, that's really quite odd. I wonder if there are many writers who do this...

>>2617667
This is good, Plazdawg.

I'm going to bed because it's midnight here, but I'll keep this thread open and read it again when everything is more coherent. If it hasn't 404'd I'll reply as well, so don't close it down.

Night dude(s).

>>2617703


Thanks, mate. I'll probably see you around, sooner or later.

Good-night.

Working on two things right now

A dystopian piece that revolves around the use of human modifications and the eventual break in classes resulting in warfare

And I wrote a small chapter last night of something I'm calling 'Deep Sea'

>>2617694
The work.

>>2617713
A dystopian piece that revolves around the use of human modifications and the eventual break in classes resulting in warfare

Deus Ex: The book?

>>2617649
Sorry I didn't get to this earlier, but I was having a hell of a time trying to post some stuff I promised.

If this is for real--and if it's not, it should be--please keep us posted. It has immense hilarity-potential.

>>2617716
Well... thank you.

'Interesting' I like. Boredom is the greatest sickness of our time.

>>2617718
Somewhat. It revolves more around the cost of the modifications breaking the wealth gap, as well as the people who can afford them becoming more successful and getting more opportunities than the normal people, thus the rich get richer and the poor get poorer.

It's a third person omniscient revolving mostly around three main characters who are in a small terrorist cell in London, all the major cities are now taken over by the rich and people who can't afford mods are sent to internment camps as they are seen as threats due to high levels of terrorist activity.

>>2617731
Yeah, I completely agree. Sorry for being so brief, but "interesting" is the only thing that springs to mind after reading it; I might need to read more of it to get a better idea.
But the style is alright.


>>2617734
It has potential, I'd like to read it when it's done.

>>2617734


I like this as well. I spend absurd amounts of times thinking about these sorts of things, and if you've the style and imagination to pull it off, you absolutely should.

Subject-wise, it couldn't be more engaging, as far as I'm concerned. It's very ambitious,though, so, you know... be prepared to get sick of yourself after a while.

>>2617744


Oh, no worries, it's a novel, so it's long on setting and such, and given the repeat errors I had posting even that much, I wasn't prepared to post much more. I ronicslly, with Twain more posts, at one paragraph per post, you could've met the other meet figure in this whole delirious escapade.

>>2617781
What a mangled post. I loathe autocorrect with a magmatic passion.

>>2617773
>>2617744

Thanks guys. I have 25,000 words done, only halfway through. However, lately I've needed to get myself to sit down and write it, but it's becoming more and more difficult. I wrote a chapter of Deep Sea last night just so I could work on my prose a little bit and keep myself fresh, although the idea itself really isn't all that bad either.

At the moment I'm exploring writing something truly honest and based on my time in the fetish scene. I've been afraid to write these things because I feared it would qualify more as pulp than sincere literature, but like they say, write what you know.

My first story in this exploration has been about nullos.

I like being absolutely honest, but I'm afraid that workshopping it might be complicated. I want to skirt the line between "pornography" and "literature" with this series.

Any advice is appreciated. I've worked in a piercing chop shop and have been around the fetish scene for a while, so I have a lot of material, just not a lot of experience with writing stories about them.

>>2617784


Well, damn-- you're the guy I should be asking, then--

what do YOU do when you start feeling yourself repeating certain oft-used phrases, and you start to get that sense that te project just isn't nearly as electric and vibrant as it was at the outset? Or are you just not afflicted with this?

Writing is the most wretched thing in the world.

Tonsa fun though.

>>2617785


You and I should chat. I'm writing a near-memoir, ill-disguised as a novel, based on my time as a drug-addicted, alcoholic con artist running a semi-legitimate nightclub with another drunken, drug-addicted con artist.

Not the same scenes, but we're probably running into some similar issues when writing this stuff, wouldn't you think?

BTW, I'd be interested in such a novel. I'm 3 years sober as a Mennonite quilter, but 'fringe' has always been my scene.

>>2617787
What I do is thin back to what made me think these things. I have confidence in my plot and settings, but there's a lot that could be adjusted. Usually, I'll go back on a chapter a few hours after I stop writing, and I'll add and subtract things. I call it 'fluffing', and it makes me feel better about the writing. Gives me solace knowing that everything reads well and I have included all the details that I want to. When I start repeating phrases, I try to find them in the writing and change them to a new phrase, or try to find a different way of saying what I wanna say.

And I think that the reason we start to get discouraged from the projects is because the reality of it is coming to. I have the same feeling right now, and I think the reason is cause when we're just setting out we feel like we can go anywhere with it, and the more we ground the ideas and put things in stone the more reality sets in.

It's a natural feeling I suppose, you just need to fight through the insecurities you have with your writing. Mine personally is dialogue and inter-character relationships

>>2617790

Completely concur.

It's a compulsion, a sick compulsion.

I always liked that bit from Kafka : 'A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity.'

>>2617795
>>2617795

Well, I'll be goddamned if you didn't know just exactly about what I was talking. All this sleeplessness panned out affter all. I also started 'fluffing' as a matter of routine-- I'll do it each time before I sit down to write new material.

It appears we have the same insecurities, too: I'm constantly getting hungvup these days on the possibility that my characters no longer sound like themselves; but I suppose you're right. Even if I hit a bit I absolutely hate, I'll just push on and try to come back to it later. Doesn't need to be perfect till it needs to be, yeah?

I never had that problem with short stories-- I 'd usually bang out the narrative in one sitting, then revise it repeatedly over a few weeks. I've been trying to treat each chapter like a short story.
Anyway... your post got copied and pasted to a .txt document that will reassure me as I go.

Thanks much, man.

here's a bit of a short story i wrote a little while ago, sorry if it doesnt make sense out of context

He was walking by his window when he sensed he saw something different about the tree. He walked out his front door for the first time in a week to find out. Stopping halfway across his yard, Yancy gaped in horror. It was a dream come true. Tiny fetuses, the size of apples, dangled from the tree’s branches. They were pink spherical sacs with red veins spiraling around them. Inside them you could see the early stages of human life twitching about.
“Hey, I didn’t realize this was an apple tree.” Yancy jumped in shock, he hadn’t heard Raul approach. “Mind if I take one.” Yancy stared blankly as Raul picked a fetus off of the tree. He bit into it. Blood and amniotic fluid dribbled out from between his lips as he chewed. “Oh man, that’s a damn good apple.” Yancy felt his body start quivering. “Nothing like a fresh picked apple, not like the shit they try to push on you at Wal-Mart.”
Yancy’s front door opened and shut behind his back. The sound of shuffling feet slowly eased toward him.
“Oh please God, no,” he was shaking violently now.
“Well who’s this little number,” Raul smiled. The naked vacant-eyed woman now stood between the two of them. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve met, I’m Raul. I live right next door.” He seemed completely unaffected by her nudity as well as her lack of response. “She seems like a keeper,” Raul said into his ear. He patted Yancy on the shoulder and then walked back to his house.

I've got a subplot in mind, but no main story yet.

The main character walks through an underpass every morning to get to a bus stop, and every day, he notices newly emptied bottles of booze there. Over time, it shifts from pissy beer and weak premade mixed drinks to harder and harder alcohol in a hedonistic downward spiral At the end of the main story, he finds a highschool kid passed out in his own vomit there.

It's supposed to go along with some sort of mental or emotional deterioration that the main character experiences.

It's amazing how exhausting writing is. One would think it's just writing some words on a piece of paper, but it really isn't.

>>2617810
I'd really like to see the context this bit comes from, because it's strange as fuck.

>>2617810


Well... sounds like a dream, to me...


The only real irritating thing is:

> He was walking by his window when he sensed he saw something different about the tree. He walked out his front door for the first time in a week to find out.

>to find out

Maybe, 'to check it out'?
'to examine it's?
'to give it a quick once-over'?

you know... anything but 'to find out.'

>>2617802
Happy to help friend, hope it helps

>>2617839


Re:the exhaustion--

My non-writing associates were definitely once of the impression that it's like recounting a yarn in a bar, but on paper, till I set them straight. Yeah, a person COULD write a story that way, but it would be sparse and colloquial and incoherent.

Especially since I started the novel, it's been this menacing, overhanging presence whose shadow false on me no matter what else I'm doing. On some level, I'm still-always-writing it-- even when I'm not at my desk.

>>2617848
that should read, 'shadow falls'

bloody Android.

>>2617840
>>2617839

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dzy-SX6SgY1f1c4gPR574FYZLAkaCdijcqoZq7cs98M/edit

here's the story if you'd like to read it. it's sloppy, i turned it in for a class and havent really edited it much since.

also, thanks for the feedback plazzy. i agree, that that is a weak sentence.

>>2617686
my people will get in touch with your people, veranda stealer

>>2617653
sounds implausible

The main issue I'm having right now is that one of the characters is a bit obsessed with his "independent research" for a psychology dissertation, turns out in the end it's all a farce, he never got into a PhD program at a university or anything, but I don't know enough about psychology/the process of writing a dissertation in psychology that I'm a bit timid to write his parts for fear that I won't even be able to get him to "fake it" well enough. His research is mainly to do with observing the development of a pair of twin girls, so on the surface it's a child development study, but of course he's trying to prove psychic connections between them and ESP and all kinds of weird shit and getting nowhere. I dunno, this isn't even the main plot but I feel like I have to get it just right for the whole story to work.

>>2617951
Understandable. Every subplot/mainplot/element that doesn't work quite right is a flaw, a burden that pulls the novel down. I don't like that stuff in my works, so I either I make it fitting with the rest or I leave it out. Everything you write in a book is related to it, and it only works if everything works.

I think of it as a machine or some other cotnraption, every cog needs to turn or else the whole thing grinds itself to dust.

That's at least how I feel about that. Maybe that's just me, I don't know.

>>2617859
I like it. It's kinda weird and I don't quite get what it's going at, but it was a good read. What grade/mark did you get for it/What did the teacher say about it?

I don't have ideas.
I just let it flow.

>>2617970
don't really get graded on it, the piece is sent out to the entire class and then we discuss it the next class. the class seemed to like it overall, i was pleasantly surprised.

>>2617965
Yeah, I agree, even though I'm typically a short story writer it's exactly the same. If there's a scene that sticks out as weak or unimportant, no matter how much you love your writing there, you either have to fix it so it fits with the rest or cut it.

But even if I don't write pages and pages about this dude's research he is the main character's stepfather so I do have to get this down to an extent, because living with and observing her stepfather's situation is a major part of the main character's life.

I once wrote a story where I gave it an open ending. The main question of the story, was the man who came to the shop a murderer, wasn't answered, and when someone I gave it to disliked that aspect I said "but there are lots of stories with open endings!" They told me that even if the reader doesn't figure it out, you have to know what the answer is so that you know how to write the rest of the story. I realized I was being kind of lazy and made up my mind one way or the other and rewrote. I think it came out a lot better.

It's a pretty typical story. Two brothers, both princes, both want to have the crown that their dad wears. But neither one of them wants to be the guy responsible for knocking off dear old dad. So, they each hire their own assassins to go after the old geezer.

Not sure how it ends, since I haven't really gotten to that point yet.

Okay, this was something I wrote up last night just to keep my prose up, I have ideas for it, but I'm not sure if I wanna flesh it out yet. Opinions would be nice

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NzLiYrMHWMOC5dlf_1pOZFq4Pwfv2-eIGzhJgpBzHGA/edit

>>2617977
whoops sorry, forgot trip

>>2617983
set it to public or whatever

>>2617984
Whoops, here you go

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NzLiYrMHWMOC5dlf_1pOZFq4Pwfv2-eIGzhJgpBzHGA/edit

>>2617990
do you use "google drive" for that?
how is it?
useful?

>>2618005
I have no idea what that is, I just uploaded it

my everlasting novel project, some minor short stories and poems for anthologies and stuff.

Also I recently tried myself on a play. One or two people have been interested in realizing it, but I disliked their work.

>>2617982
since you haven't gotten to that point yet...
SINCE YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO THAT POINT YET?

Seriously. I know it's all well and swell if the characters do their own things, and the plot develops differently here and there, but you really should have a rough idea of the ending bro.

>>2617982
Make the story focus not on the princes but on the assassins. They head for the king's rooms in the same night and meet there, both completely shocked. That might make for some nice character-interaction and dialogue; You just have to go on from here. They could from then on be rivals, trying to kill the king themselves and at the same time try to stop the other assassin.

...For example. But I'm not trying to steal your story here, just throwing in some ideas.

Bump, tell me more shit about your stuff.

Reviving what is, basically,the 'procrastinating writer' thread.

Sorry I vanished on you guys before, but I got a message from a Brazilian Goth girl, and, while you guys are awesome, you're not young-Brazilian-Goth-girl awesome.

Then I slept for four hours

Any of my original threadmates still in the house?

>>2619777
Still here, looking for some critiques on that one chapter, apparently night /lit/ is as helpful as day /lit/

Ah, yes... I just noticed that. For whatever reason, every time I try to pull up that page, it crashes my browser.

I've done this about six times. Ain't that some shit?

>>2619789
Strange...

Here's a pastebin if that helps
http://pastebin.com/FdHz8109

>>2619794
Ok.. back in business.

Checking it out now.

>>2619794


Ok. I'm still reading, but I notice a couple of things right off.

Firstly, I like the,sparseness of the language ; it seems to complement Tue setting.

Secondly, in the first paragraph or two, the words 'silence' and 'dense' and tube phrase 'dense silence' arse all repeated several times in rapid succession in a way that's a bit awkward.

Thirdly, you're shifting back and forth between the past and present tenses in a way that cannot be intentional.

I'm going to keep going. Stay tuned for more.

I made a thread for this, but it's so short I doubt it actually deserved one. I'm gonna let it die and drop it here before I go to sleep. Be rough, hard and unscrupulous but please be constructive.

http://pastebin.com/cNyVRcGc

>>2619808
You know, I noticed that too, and I was going to fix it.

This is completely unedited save for spelling and grammar.

As for the tenses, I revert to the past tense only when giving background on the setting, or at least that's what I thought

Here's what I mean by the tense thing:

> Incredible how an enormous city like Poseidon's Keep was powered by one central unit, responsible for all the amenities that many of the citizens take for granted.

'take' should be 'room's.

Also noticed MANY places where commas are used where semicolons,or dashes would be more appropriate.

And, yeah, I assume almost anything posted here is still in the draft stage, soi'm not judging. Just trying to point out what I see.

If anybody wants to read something really fucked up I wrote in High School:
http://www.mediafire.com/view/?umx35my0czk3gey

I don't even know what my intention was, but yeh...

>>2619824
And not OP, was just posting on another board and forgot to change the name, because I suck.

>>2619819
I'm not quite sure what you mean with your first point, clarify please?

Semi-colon has always been very confusing to me in usage, I just prefer not to use them despite their purpose at times, just a personal prose thing.

But thank you for taking the time to read it

My eyes are the white cliffs of Dover, and the light pouring through the cracks in the curtains are just so many waves that will break upon them, it's too early, and the Norman invasion couldn't stir me out of bed, the world and all its honking horns, screeching tires, kittens too young to know better, and empty refrigerators will just have to wait another hour.
I'm up, I’m ready, I make coffee that tastes like water and eggs that taste like soap, I make vain attempts to separate myself from the normalcy of it all, where's the English channel when you need it? A good metaphor is just as good as anything else, but sadly it won't make this sink full of dirty dishes clean again, Shakespeare might have had time to wax lyrical, but I have shit to do today.
The water is always too hot, the knob goes from room temperature to scalding, no stops in-between, I don't know what they teach people at plumber's academy, probably more sick jokes just like that one, a generation of men who take their frustration out one shower head and scorching sink at a time, my envy knows no bounds. My glasses fog up, my hands turn pink, rosy with a thousand little deaths, nerves burned alive, offerings to the lord of the clean plate; I hope he's pleased, I know I’m not.
The Indians never had to worry about E. coli or Mad Cow, it was easy living for them, wrapped in a quilt of clear blue sky, sewn together with the deepest darkest river as thread, snaking and curling around the trees that filled every patch of land, every facet on this gem of a world. Sleeping under a velvet sky dotted with the sparkling sand of the river bank flung from the hand of the raven haired beauty you're dreaming of tonight.
"What's a plate?"
"I don't know man, pass the maize."
Nothing but the snap and hiss of the fire left between them now.

>>2619833
Romanticism becomes the easiest thing when your world is nothing but cinder-blocks and particle board, cinder blocks and par-ti-cle board. I would kill for a tree taller than a telephone pole, I would die for a mighty oak, and I would gladly lay my body down on a funeral pyre of all my hopes and dreams for a weeping willow, just promise to lay my bones down among the rocks and roots. Melodrama won't clean this floor, but it will clean my conscience, it will clear my mind and clear my ears, the bird song outside beats the radio any day. But what do they have to sing about? Toppled garbage cans and oil stained streets? I guess you don't need beauty when all you're looking for is love.

>>2619836
Stained, this tub is stained and I hate it, I wish it was pure and white again, I wish, I hope, I pray, I get used to it. Getting by is easier than getting the comet out, this dirty old tub is my new church, stained porcelain is the new stained glass, shower head is the new baptismal font, who needs an altar? To hell with the middle man, if god needs me I’ve got a cell phone and I’m damn sure he'd know the number. I need a break from cleaning; I probably need a break from more than that.
Its summer and I'm sitting on the balcony, second story, the high life. A great view of the empty pool, the empty apartments, and the full trees, barely bigger than I am, but big enough for a billion birds, swooping and cawing, jockeying and jostling for position, there's a man that takes the time to feed these birds every day in the fading light when it's not too hot, when the shadows are nice and long. I've never spoken to this man, he takes crumbs of bread from his bag and scatters it across the courtyard, smiling the whole time, he loves the birds, he loves his bird, a green parrot on his shoulder, and He likes to take it on walks around the block, give it time out of its cage. Living here, I’m sure he can relate to the view from between the bars.

hey i'm back

http://pastebin.com/bcGxqQnE

Just shat this out now. Thoughts are much appreciated, gents!

>>2619847
>Thoughts are much appreciated, gents!
Get your own damn thoughts.

More things I like: the bit about old men feeding birds on benches; the scene in which John's in the elevator, reflecting on his being stationed in the city; the fact that John doesn't know his nocturnal counterparts at all-- that tells us a lot, either about him, the city, or both;

More things I don't: superfluous words.
> The elevator began to travel downward; John began to let his mind wander.

' The elevator began to travel downward; John let his mind wander.'

The second is more streamlined, more economical.

Also: overuse of the word 'city' during the back story.

>cliche: 'boiling hot'
> 'expansive, boiling hot station. The room was large...' We already know it's expansive.


My verdict: you have a strong concept and vision, and I get the impression you know your characters very well. I suggest just tightening up on the punctuation, and doing your best to weed out repetition and redundancy.
Good concept, though. I want to know more about how Johnson ended up there.

>>2619847

anyone else?

>>2619833
>>2619836
>>2619837


I enjoyed the hell out of this. It has great potential, but to pull this style off, it has to be crystalline, hermetic, flawless.

There were a couple things, such as when you said 'Shakespeare...time to wax lyrical...shit to do today', when the preceding language was poetic-- it seemed contradictory in a way that didn't serve it. Also, colons where semicolons/ full-stops should be.

This, though:

> Stained, this tub is stained and I hate it, I wish it was pure and white again, I wish, I hope, I pray, I get used to it. Getting by is easier than getting the comet out, this dirty old tub is my new church, stained porcelain is the new stained glass, shower head is the new baptismal font, who needs an altar?

That was orgasmic. I would read more if this.

>>2619840


Welcome back, mate. Sorry for the belated greeting, I was immersed.

My story is about a blind detective who is consulted on cases and must use the poor descriptions of evidence and layouts from people involved in the case to determine what happened. Also he has a cute seeing eye dog whose reactions to the scene provide him with more clues.

>>2619819

>'take' should be 'room's

That should say, 'took'.

Fucking Android, man.

>>2616817

>writing excerpts

>>2617650

The writing feels flat and little too flowery, nothing I would except from I hitman. If anything, I expect a hitman to have more of a perspective snark about himself and the world that surrounds him.

>Say what you will about poverty and manual labour, but there is, without question, a very special emotional glow that slowly suffuses through a young man at the end of a gruelling stint at the day-labour exchange: a glow that--despite the heaviness of his head upon his shoulders and the burning of the muscles of his back and legs--puts a cushion of air beneath his bootheels as he turns from the cash machine, crumples the receipt in his fist, and waves farewell to the day's comrades before hitting the streets to meet the challenge of the approaching night.

Cringe worthy. Emotional Glow? Only cow tit, pregnant women have an emotional glow, never a fucking hitman.

>>2619900


This could be fascinating and quite possibly comical (if you wanted to take it that route), if you're clever enough to think like this detective.

He would have to have a subtle, sophisticated technique for questioning these witnesses in order to ensure that the most reliable possible informtion is extracted. I would envision him as having g a keen nose for bullshit and, likely, a sharp wit.

Would read based upon description.

>>2619911
I wasn't finished, the dog actually talks and wears a sherlock hat.

>>2619906
he's not a hit man. he's a 19yr-old kid, alcoholic, drug addict, former academic who' s living on the streets as a result of stupid choices. He is, however, a bit of the manipulative CON-man. This is a tendency that increases once he partners with an older man who's been exploiting people for much longer.

Your point is still valid, to an extent, though. Thanks for the feedback.

>>2619837
>>2619836
>>2619833


I think you should make this into a poem.

>>2619912


Now you're just trolling, and it hurts. I thought that idea was hilarious.

>>2619905


>image file

I can't read that shit on my tablet, man. That sucks, because it actually looks interesting.

>>2619921

http://pastebin.com/k1hZMe4c

>>2619928


That's what I'm talking about-- thanks. Scrolling back and forth with the window magnified was making me ill.

>>2619916

>I therefore sprinted across the street, turned a corner and set off in in search of a bar.

Sprinted across the street? WTF. why? This whole sentence is chunky shit.


>Vincent's Ear was a tiny cafe just off of Lexington Avenue, a brief, seven-minute walk from the labour exchange.

The first sentence, gave the impression that your character was in search of any old, random bar to squander his hard earned money. But then, all of a sudden he finds Vincent's Ear (good bar name) as if he was going end up there all along.

Feels forced, man.

>>2619916

The point is much more valid if he's a con-man. From what I've read, he comes off as a pseudo-academic experiencing a midlife crises.

>>2619928
I'm still reading, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sort of agog. You have a really distinctive, mature, evocative style. The words sort of seep into your skin, and, before you know any better, you're in it.

It's impressionistic and vivid and REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

If you could write a novel's worth of this stuff, I know the right publisher would salivate. This is real, grimy, raw, literary fiction.

Good on ya, Anon. You've accomplished something noteworthy here. I am going to keep reading.

My story is about deep space pilots that take decades to reach the next star system and while in hibernation experience vivid dreams that last just as long. After a few flights some develop personality disorders due to not remembering what was real and what was a dream while some slip into a deep suicidal depression when what they thought was real was a figment of their imagination. Some unlucky pilots slip into a perpetual nightmare that last for years leading to insanity. No pilot has made it past 10 voyages unscathed.

>>2619935

Point taken.

The author is a pseudo-academic experiencing a midlife crisis-- the kid was him. He wasn't a,professional con-man-- he was a naive kid with a penchant for manipulating people. Not enough to get anywhere, but enough to survive. He was a bit of a piece of shit.

He meets another guy, 15 years older, who is also an amateur exploiter ofcthe overly-trusting, and they end up becoming friends while engaging in an ambitious but ill-conceived scheme to try to improve their station.

Since this is, basically, an ill-disguised memoir, should the narrative voice not be that of the protagonist, many years later and sober, trying to piece togethemer this bizarre misadventure?

I'm genuinely open to sugggestion-- I've never attempted anything this personal before. I would welcome your take on it.

Haven't written anything in almost exactly a year.
Never have time to read anymore.
I have ideas but I'll never be a good writer because I don't have the time.

I would post but it´s in spanish

With just a flick of the wrist Miranda had conquered my dreams. And it was in the first that I met the gods she worshiped and fought with impossible rage to usurp their influence. She watches as an immanent spectator, comprising the reality of her deities and this hopeless soul at war. In each drop of blood wrenched from my body, in each lapse of fury from either side, she breathes and speaks, moans and shakes. This phoenix dream belongs to both of us.

It's a dream I've fought and died in a million times. I am a million moments closer to victory.

>>2619932

The sprinting was due to the combination of elation at the,end of a day of shit work, and not being run over by a truck.

As for your second point--yeah, that's just sloppy.

I'm reapply not sure how to do this; I'm trying to piece together a cohesive narrative from a disarrayed. agglomeration of hazy memories. I think Ii'm doing it right-- write what I can recall, and then tidy it up.

I would obviously never send it off in its present state.

So, anyway, again-- your input is not in vain; I am rapt.

>>2619974


>not being run over by a truck

AVOIDING being run down by a truck, rather.

>>2619932


My current unofficial editor, who's read the first three. chapters, says it comes together as it progresses. Her take is that it reads like what it is-- reflection by by the now-much-older protagonist. To be honest, though, I always suspected she was too Kline the,author to be properly critical. (No, she's not my wife, girlfriend, or a family member.)

So, anyway, this is really helpful. Don't pull punches; I'm too old and tired to take criticism personally.

>>2619946

>If you could write a novel's worth of this stuff, I know the right publisher would salivate.

Holy shit anon, thanks. I really appreciate it. This is actually from a little parable of a novel I'm writing that hopefully I can finish in a few months. I've never been published but I have a really good feeling this is the one, finally.

>>2619946

>If you could write a novel's worth of this stuff, I know the right publisher would salivate.

shit man, thanks. I really appreciate it. This is actually from a little parable of a novel I'm writing that hopefully I can finish in a few months. I've never been published but I have a really good feeling this is the one, finally.

What do you guys think about writing in the present tense?

I'm trying to go back to a story I started a while ago, but never finished. The very small amount of writing that I have so far is in present tense for some reason. I guess I thought it sounded better at the time.

I'm wondering if I should change all this to past tense before I keep going. If it makes any difference, the novel is sort of a comedy about dying.

>>2619946

>If you could write a novel's worth of this stuff, I know the right publisher would salivate.

shit man, thanks. I really appreciate it. This actually is from a little parable of a novel I'm writing that hopefully I can finish in a few months. I've never been published but I have a really good feeling this is the one, finally.

>>2619993

I've had short fiction published that wasn't half as rich and bold as this piece.

I'm a bit envious; I'm making my second attempt at a novel, and, as you can see above, it's not going so well.

Personal, memoirish stuff is a notoriously recalcitrant bitch, though, so-- I asked for it.

>>2620007

In my experience the only way to grow is to read more. write more. read more. write more. and on. it seems trite but after slogging through the mud a while you learn to get a grip on higher ground. Style's a complex and elusive thing

>>2619988

If you continue to write in this stale, autobiographical manner then you'll have a flat, non-interesting story.

Also, man who starts a story about a con-man talking about a hard day's work?

You really need to get a second editor. At least, you have the right mindset and feel for quality writing. Let that be your guide forever, hopefully it doesn't drive you insane if you can never meet its standards.

Most never do.

>>2620001
Present tense can be great for a short story, but in a longer format it gets tiresome, imo.

>>2620001


I've written in present tense, before. It can add some immediacy to a story. However--and I don't know if it's just because the past fifteen or so years have seen such a crackdown upon anything that comes across as pomo or gimmicky, or if it's always been this way-- but I think present-tense narratives now often seem to come across as overly cerebral or... I don't know...self-referential.

I still think it has its place and can be done well, but... maybe its most safely used sparingly?

>>2620010

That's solid advice, and I appreciate your taking the time to consider my work enough to give it.

I ask only one thing: if the story is, essentially, autobiographical, in what tone should,I write it? Would it be better to just remove the 'older protagonist' from the story altogether, and try to write it firmly from the experiences of 'young protagonist'?

(Also, I know this is nitpicky shit, but I cannot hold back: The labour exchange is mentioned because that is his last honest day's work for a long time, and certainly for the rest of the book.. That was a carefully-considered decision. This is the story of a man corrupted.)

>>2620010

> At least, you have the right mindset and feel for quality writing. Let that be your guide forever, hopefully it doesn't drive you insane if you can never meet its standards.

Thank you; that's very generous of you. And, heh, yeah... I would likely be more than disappointed if my capacity to write decent fiction had an inherent governor on it that restricted me from writing anything more expansive than short stories for the rest of my days.

I've got BIG IDEAS, man!

>>2620008

You're absolutely right, of course. I knew filing into this that it would be difficult in a way none of my other projects had been; I would be out of my niche, and would have to nit just WRITE the thing but sort it out... not just thee Wordsworth on the page but the ENTIRETY of my LIFE, as the two are the same.

It's as much a kind of purgation as it is a project.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for hanging about and chiming in while I tear out great hanks of hair over this thing.

>>2620013
>>2620016

Actually, I agree that past tense seems to work better with shorter stories, which is why I'm wondering why I chose to use it when I started this one. I hadn't written very much when I gave up on it, but I did have plans that would have made it pretty long... novella length, perhaps. As for present tense sounding gimmicky... well, if I can't do it well enough to avoid that, I shouldn't do it.

Anyway, pic related. This is some of it; I made some changes just now, but for the most part, this was written a while ago. I'm not sure I would do things the same way if I had started writing it last week.

Go ahead and tell me how awful it is. You guys seem smart enough to tell me why I suck.

workin on shittin out rimes fo dimes
u hurd me

>>2620049


I've got to stop writing on tablet while sleep-deprived.
> Wordsworth on thee

Oh, fuck off, autocorrect.

>>2620057


Could you upload this to pastebin or something so I don't have. to scroll around a magnified window on the Android? That's pretty aggravating.

>>2620065
> pastebin

Sure. Never used this site before, but here goes nothing.

http://pastebin.com/rw1F91r5

>>2620069


Thanks (I went for a snack.)-- that helps.

Reading now.

>>2620088


It may just be because I'm a wistful, midlife-crisisy old fuck, but this excerpt actually really got tho me. It's very honest; the narrator is plain-spoken and lays himself bare. It's genuine, and that in and of itself makes it good. On top of that, it has a rhythm that I will describe as 'appropriate', and to my distinct pleasure the present-tense thing is VERY effective, here-- it DOES give it that sense of presence and immediacy that it should when done right.

Nicely done.

>>2620092

Well, thanks. You're making me wish I had more to share.

Looking back at what I wrote, though, I realize that I might have too many long sentences in there. (Then again, I think it was worse before I made those minor revisions prior to posting.) Sometimes I have a tendency to write rather long sentences, which is cool until I do it to two or three sentences in a row. Not sure if anyone else is actually bothered by this.

>>2620112


Honestly? I didn't notice anything amiss, and I'm usually very sensitive to the rhythm and timing of a piece of writing (often to the point that I miss other things, in my own work).

I thought your sentence structures were fine.

I have to say: having received so much useful feedback here, I'm tempted o post what my present editor considers one of her favourite passages from the incipient novel, in order to figure out just how fucked I really am.

OK-- here goes. She said she liked this on account of the manic style's evoking the sensation of the narrative's cocaine. That was my goal, and that's usually my strong suit and trademark: whirlwind departures from the normal plodding rhythm to call down the chaos of a dissarrayed life. Tell me what you think.

pastebin.com/kJ2my0g5

>>2620112


Well, come back when you do have more; with any luck I'll be not-writing again, and I'll be delighted to have a look.

Meh, I'm never really satisfied with what I write. After I finish a chapter or a paragraph I look over it, and about 9 out of 10 times I completely delete what I wrote, because it just didn't turn out the way I wanted. It's shit to see that I myself am the biggest source of discouragement I feel about writing. Why can't I just once NOT be disappointed with everything I do?

>>2620153

It's good man. Some pretty beautiful moments. A few spots here and there I'd fix some bits of prose, but with some chopping it could be good shit for sure

>>2620225
Thanks. Any chance you could provide an example? This is a pretty personal project--too personal for me to see it objectively--and I'm realising that I'm also suffering from the deleterious effects of an overly-sympathetic editor...

>>2620245
Shit--forgot my name [I'm on my other computer.]

Mark Twain piloted paddle boats down the Mississippi. He became well known for his prowess and was soon hired to teach the art in India. He taught there for several years until an unkown saboteur caused a horrific boiler explosion destroying the ship he was on and everyone thought him dead. He survived and using his contacts in the black market of India, he commissions a ship like no other. It is powered by a new energy source and can slip silently below the surface of the water. He abandones the name Mark Twain taking the moniker Captain Nemo and calls his new ship the Nautilus.

Its about a canadian guy who is vacationing in the US and people are confused because theyve never heard of canada. he looks up canada on the internet to show them and cant find any references. it turns out that he IS canada.

>>2621814

LOL'd. Very nice.

>>2621814
You just went all M Night Shamwow on my ass.

I'm writing several short stories.

A director expressed interest on them. I hope to start a mini-theatre troupe which performs publicly for donations.

I'm hoping to profit share. =)

beginning of a short story i'm writing


Moe sat on the bed’s edge while she took up the rest’s space and considered the tubes in his hand. They breathed now, unlike her, exhaling short, rhythmic puffs like men strapped for adrenaline after securing a livelihood. Security, Moe thought – this thing’s root, the bulb at the end of its weed. Complete assurance of safety, of protection, of satisfied peace. Of not needing to wake up every morning miles away from the one you’re obligated to shuddering at the thought of the containment, shivering when considering the entrapment. Of not witnessing the on-going suffering, the mirror-made hopeless stares, the discussion-less visits. Her stillness, with the silence and the solitude and the blank-faced static, had tortured him more than she knew, more than he wanted anyone to know.

He squeezed the hand-tubes, twisted his wrist to examine knuckle-ridges and the vein beneath them. Veins that grounded, veins that shuffled life-stuff, veins that brought bodies full circle. Vein – it teed, all but determined his existence. That’s what tubes imitated. Rubber chains clasped to openings to keep folks from floating out them. Their weight, in his hands, weighed on him, pushed down into his palm-lines, changed their structure. What power, what absolute control, did they exert, to put so much pressure on surface skin, human epidermis! Imagine having that inside, day after day, week after week, ground throughout the esophagus, built to impose, with its substitute oxygen pumping in lieu of the lungs’ prideful breaths, one’s –own– breaths. But counting on oneself didn’t always cut it. Moe knew from experience. He turned the tubes around, tossed them on the ground.