/lit/ - Literature

Happy new year lit ~!

Nigger.

Here is a short story, I posted in the old thread. I think this format is a little more readable. Pls critique.

One anon said it wasnt clear that there are two separate scenes being told simultaneously. It is to me. What do you think?

>>22892282
>so basically all the nigger cattle worship baphomet and taxi driver/joker man is the only le based schizo who opposes this oppressive regime
Literally what were you expecting from a bunch of normalfags?
https://files.catbox.moe/43vcjr.webm
tried uploading this but it's apparently hash banned on cuckchan for some reason

>>22892360
>there's a big difference between a tranny and a communist fanatic tranny from twitter that is absolutely deranged and malicious.
yeah the difference is about 5 or so years. kek. if you think this then you're deluding yourself.

>>22893362
Is this the whole thing? It starts very abruptly. It would be more clear if you gave an intro for the two timelines and then allowed them to merge. To make it really clear, you could italicize the past dialog instead of using quote marks.

>>22893429
>Is this the whole thing?
Yes.
And no i dont think spoonfeeding the reader so they understand is a good strategy. Writing a whole intro or using italics is dumbing it down, imo.

it should be clear, but i want to create the effect of almost a flash back like experience. If I wanted to tell it traditionally, I could seperate the scenes entirely but imo that ruins the whole point

>>22893443
You're not spoonfeeding, you're trying to express your ideas to another. You're the author, set it up. You're not trying to create a giant exposition, you're trying to explain the story. How the fuck are we supposed to know it's two stories at the same time? Even the MC saying "Let me tell you about the time I met a politician fucking a 15 year old mulatto"

>>22893459
In the first part it is broad daylight,
Then, in the second scene, the moon is low in the sky.
One scene is day, and the other is night, and that is conveyed in the first 150 words.

Btw, I understand that if the writer has to explain these things to the reader, the author has failed. but still. I thought it was clear enough.

>>22893362
First off, you should increase margins so the text-width is shorter. Alternatively just throw it up on a pastebin.

Second, I think you should be explicit about your intentions when you submit something for critique. It makes it a lot easier for the critic to give useful feedback when they know what you were going for because then they can tell you when their experience of your work did not align with your intended experience. Otherwise they have to guess and usually resort to generic advice.

For example, in this piece, I don't know what you were intending with keeping the same tense with the flashback. My guess is that you wanted do something like a montage or intercut in film, but it just feels janky. I think it's because you don't properly set up the intercut in the beginning. You need to establish the present setting first (just as it would be in a film) so the reader knows when you've cut to a flashback.

Beyond that, my main critique with this would be the lack of specificity. Everything about this feels really generic and abstract, the characters, the plot, even the setup and payoff. The position of main character is needlessly muddled (by the common problem of "head-hopping") and it's not clear what the characters want in the present scene (in the flashback it's at least obvious, but the flashback has already happened so there isn't much at stake), if anything. Consequently, it's feels less like an actual scene with tension and stakes and more like exposition delivered through dialogue.

>>22893473
The second part doesn't read as a flashback retard. I thought you had jumped forward in time because you started with him checking his phone.

>>22893497
Its not supposed to be a flashback, I never said it was. I said "effect of almost a flash back like experience."

>>22893509
you're missing the point. this conversation should not be happening, and would not be happening if there was no issue. stop arguing with the reader when he gives you feedback.

>>22893362
So let me get this straight. One guy already told you that the intercutting isn't clear in the previous thread. Then you post it again and more people tell you the same thing and you still think otherwise? What are you even looking for at this point?

>>22893525
Further general critique. A single data point is almost worthless.

>>22893532
I was interested in reading more of your story before but not any longer. Maybe you are the worthless one.

>>22893443
>And no i dont think spoonfeeding the reader so they understand is a good strategy. Writing a whole intro or using italics is dumbing it down, imo.
Well, that's your choice. Expect to filter out annoyed readers and reviews.

I would suggest reconsidering the ratio of dialog to description. It's pretty heavy on speech right now. Also you can cut out a lot of the sort of filler descriptions of gestures: raising eyebrows, chewing lips, etc. They add almost nothing. There are few vivid or unexpected details at all, nothing striking.

>>22893362
You didn't set it up at all. This is where your supposed switch happens and it reads in a sudden abrupt manner.

>>22893554
obviously all critique is really appreciated. My point is that I am not going to change everything off of one anonymous comment. I try to take every comment in a non biased way, and if I agree with it, ill incorporate it, and if not, I wont.

Regarding the interlacing scenes, a few comments have said it isnt clear. I thought it was. Now I have to make a decision if I want to change it to accomodate mroe readers, or if I prefer if the way it is

At the end of the day its all a moot point because I dont intend to try and get it published, and everything I write is just a writing exercise for myself, and also enjoyable.

>>22893290
happy new year!

>>22893585
Why would you seek critique for something you consider a writing exercise? I suspect you're deflecting, if not outright moving the goalposts.

>>22893575
NTOP but that's not where the switch first happens. Did you screencap the wrong part?

>>22893593
>Why would you seek critique for something you consider a writing exercise

Why woudnt I. I wouldnt dream of getting this published as I essentially stole the entire idea from a Mario Vargas Llosa chapter (Death in the andes). Ive written quite a few stories that ive only posted in /wg/ and I think ive improved my writing based on the comments. It doesnt mean I intend on trying to get it published.

Cuentan las hadas en tardes de invierno
la historia extraña de un hombre soberbio
que quiso expandir su razón e intelecto
haciendo pactar con tiniebla e infierno

Él era estudiante de ricos modales,
las noches leía un arduo volumen
Mas quiso curioso saber de otros males
tentando su mente a los lujos del crimen

Un día el Diablo llamó a la puerta,
con amplia sonrisa ofreció su saber
y el hombre aceptó la terrible propuesta
quebrando con ello al propio querer

Vagó por la vida en voraz pensamiento
haciendo avaricia de cada experiencia
guardó en su memoria orgía y tormento
mezclados con jugo del Árbol de la Ciencia

Mas todo se paga. Blasfemias, insultos,
cada átomo de abuso en el vicio
y enloqueciendo en rencores ocultos
de nuevo quisiera volver al inicio

El viejo, postrado, ante su última voz
sufriendo dolores y achaques senectos
alza sus ojos llorosos a Dios
y estalla diciendo: ¡Señor, hazme perfecto!

>>22893605
Thanks to you, no one here need wonder why anons rarely expend the effort it takes to critique a posted piece of writing.

>>22893585
>it doesn't matter because I'm not going to publish it so therefore it's just an exercise for myself and
Then why the fuck are you posting it, you dumbass faggot? Holy fuck eat a bullet. If you're not taking it seriously then why should anyone else? Maybe try posting the stuff you do want to try and get published next time, the stuff that actually matters, instead of the "personal exercise just for you (that you voluntarily shared with others). What fucking retard lolcow behavior when you face even the slightest criticism.

>>22893614
Why? Because there is an actual discussion about some anon's writing and writing technique?
This is a million times better then going back and forth about le world building or about how to make money on royal roads with fantasy slop

>>22893626
>>22893620

>>22893620
It does matter.

How is someone ever going to get to the level where they feel there work is WORTH getting published without first getting feedback. What a fucking stupid comment.
If you think every piece you write is going to end up in the Paris review then I dont know what to tell you.

>>22893626
He's trolling. Ignore him.

>>22893636
You're absolutely fucking retarded. Responding to criticism with "this is a moot point because it's never going to be published" is literal paint sniffing trog behavior. Next time don't act like such a faggot, there's a reason why people treat practice drills as the real thing.

>>22893620
I think it's fine to post exercises so long as it represents an honest effort. Backpedaling from crit by saying "b-but it's just an exercise though so it doesn't matter" is peak cringe.

i am drafting a fantasy/scifislop right now, this thread WILL read it.

>>22893682
you WILL have a hard magic system and you WILL have a love triangle and you WILL have non heterosexual relationships and you WILL have allusions to contemporary issues and you WILL not have any fun

>>22893646
>Bjork albums
The best of me.

>>22893700
>I have all of these things except homoshit and I'm having fun

imagine NOT writing fantasy with cute lesbian couples. could not be me

>>22893736
i do something similar, with lusty faeries

>>22893700
i posted the barebones of my magic system in /wbg/ the other day, i think its a bit autistic as nobody replied
what do you mean by "hard" magic

>>22893668
>this is a moot point because it's never going to be published

ok I take it back. I did take writing that piece seriously. My point was that its not destined for publishing, so no matter how much I tweak this specific story to fit the desires of readers, it wont be seen by a wide audience.
Now you have to apologize for being so sensitive.

>>22893755
That thread is autistic and retarded by default because they're not concerned with actually writing anything. Pay them no mind.
"Hard" magic is when it's basically a science because everything is explained. "Soft" magic is the opposite because much is left shrouded in mystery. Like in LOTR where nobody fucking knows what magic even is, and Gandalf doesn't ever explain it. Look up Brandon Sanderson the massive autist who wrote a whole book about the concepts.

>>22893746
¡Oh, sí!
Me encantan las tiernas ninfas
Sus labios rubicundos,
sus ojitos cristalinos...
su piel cubierta de azúcar derretido…

Ven, te daré un caramelo que te encantará…

¡Ven aquí...! Pon tu mejilla sobre este corazón
y desciende
muy despacio
por mi torso...
¡qué maravilla...!

Ver
cómo tus labios se separan, pétalos de rosa...
Ver tu garganta contraerse en cada gemido ahogado,
¡ese bellísimo sonido de violín frotado!

Ven aquí, hadita mía, querida,
¡te daré la dulzura que necesita tu sedienta boquita!
¡Cuantísima miel me produces!
¿Quieres un poco de nata?
Claro que sí, mi niña, un poco más profundo,
que tu campanilla se cubra de condensada salpicadura,
¡volcán de crema,
efusión sabrosa de espumosa láctea!
Sí, cariño,
¡destapa esa lengua de fresa!
deslízala en torno a la punta,
y sorbiendo las gotitas nacaradas
las llevas dentro,
me miras a los ojos con travesura...
... y tragas lentamente
que me encanta el borboteo de tu glotis
y tus pestañas
agitándose libélulas
al sentir picante
el torrente de
sabor...

>>22893758
That doesn't matter, you're still wasting time arguing with readers who have provided feedback, which is obviously a bigger waste of time than simply thinking about it and either changing it or not changing it based on what conclusions you draw. You're actively defending your retarded decisions while at the same time justifying why you're allowed to not take them seriously. Get a grip you spastic.

>>22893041
>You're not writing a shooting script.
Of course I'm not
A shooting script would have a lot more going on, like scene numbers and shot breakdowns, and would also point out all the props that need to be tracked for continuity between cuts
I do have a small number of explicit scene transitions, like FADE and SMASH CUT, but without them it's honestly more confusing to read
>>22892764
>One is also supposed to capitalize the first appearance of a character.
I do that too, though I typically wait until their names are actually relevant to describing the action, which is debatable
An AD going over this in "real life" would likely want some of those introductions moved around, or set up with shit like "AGENT #4" instead of just leaving it ambiguous which specific agent is attacking him with a plate of sushi
But I can't work that out yet anyway because with the script in this half-finished state I don't have enough of the action nailed down to decide who shows up where with that level of certainty
Also there is absolutely zero chance this will ever be filmed by a real crew

>>22893362
Disorienting flashback or flashforward mixed with what's happening now for no reason. Rewrite it.

>>22893362
>>22893575
>>22893594
>that's not where the switch first happens
If readers already know about the gimmick and still can't figure out how it's being used, that's solid proof he's doing it wrong

>>22893764
a variation on the same topic (thank you for not telling me 'stfu spic')

Sentada sobre mi rodilla,
frágil y preciosa,
mirándome tierna...
con mi mano acariciaba
porcelana en sus mejillas
mientras ella me rozaba
con sus alas en la pierna

Si de pronto se lanzaba
con su boca hasta mi cuello
y lamiendo descendía
por mi pecho palpitante
era hermoso, era bello
delirar por un instante…

'Tócame muy suave,
rodéame con tus labios
así, más profundo…'

Mis ojos lloraban de placer,
con su lengua conseguía
elevarme al otro mundo
y mi cuerpo se sentía
a punto de enloquecer…

la miraba, sonreía
le decía suplicante:
'Quiero explotar en tu boca,
hadita mía,
hacerla estallar rebosante'

Ella apretaba los labios
sellándolos en torno a mí
y cuando sus ojos mostraron
aquel candor infantil
el deseo fue tan grande
tan enorme
tan intenso

que no aguantó al derramarse
reventándola por dentro

>>22893763
uhhhh mine is kinda a mix
basically the gist of the story is sort of an isekai (but not like that) in which two worlds, the modern one and the fantasy one, are dimensionally overlaid on each other, but the barrier begins to weaken at a specific point due to a failed magic experiment in the fantasy world; some of the magic essence leaks into the modern one and begins altering wildlife and people who come into contact with it in the same ways as the other world (animals/plants turn into monsters, some humans begin to be able to use magic)
a scientist in the modern world begins analyzing this stuff, but isnt really able to stem the tide despite being the president's son
certain "Blessed" civilizations in the fantasy world are magitech-y, but only because they try to standardize magic use for the masses through technology that captures magic essence and uses it for a specific function, like how guns were made in the modern world
but actual "magic" is more of an imagination thing than being set spells; people DO develop spells that mages (Weavers) can use, but affinity matters and generally people develop their own unique spells that suit their personal traits

>>22893872
also, in my setting, magic is more of a baseline for combat more than anything
everyone is a "mage", regardless of whether they want to fight in close quarters or at long range
they might just enhance themselves with essence (called aave) rather than deliberately cast spells if thats their style, but everyone whos anyone combat has a large enough soul to actually use magic if they so choose

>>22893885
everyone whos anyone combatwise*

>>22893294
Papyrus font won't make ancient egyptians black, sorry hun.

Remember always start with some action or fight scene. If not it's boring as shit. Just use "screeechhhhh, flashback, so I suppose you want to know how I got into this situation "

>>22893965
i tend to start my stories with experiments or something similar
i wrote a vrmmoslop once (that no one will ever see) that started with the only dev announcing the game at an awards show; i thought that was a pretty kino opener
it devolved into systems autism very quickly after however and i abandoned it

The Uterus, a moist yawl, spread her legs without a flutter or drip of sweat, and was at rest. The flood had made, the wind was nearly calm, and being bound down to the post, the only thing for it was to come to and wait for the turn of the tide.

The sea-reach of the Conquerer stretched before us like the beginning of an interminable waterway. In the offing the sea and the sky were welded together without a joint, and in the luminous space the tanned sails of the barges drifting up with the tide seemed to stand still in red clusters of canvas sharply peaked, with gleams of varnished sprits. A haze rested on the low shores that ran out to sea in vanishing flatness. The air was dark and the night darker still, and farther back still seemed condensed into a mournful pleasure, brooding motionless over the biggest, and the greatest, time in bed.

>>22894029
What the fuck, anon
You pretty much have your bases covered
I especially like how easily you slip into iambic pentameter a couple times
10/10, no notes

Formatting question: Do you guys like paragraph breaks with mini cliffhangers or to include the introduction to the subject of the next paragraph, i.e. this:

>Even the good plans of wise wizards like Gandalf and of good friends like Elrond go astray sometimes when you are off on dangerous adventures over the Edge of the Wild; and Gandalf was a wise enough wizard to know it. He knew that something unexpected might happen, and he hardly dared to hope that they would pass without fearful adventure over those great tall mountains with lonely peaks and valleys where no king ruled. They did not.

>All was well, until one day they met a thunderstorm - more than a thunderstorm, a thunder-battle.

Or this:

>Even the good plans of wise wizards like Gandalf and of good friends like Elrond go astray sometimes when you are off on dangerous adventures over the Edge of the Wild; and Gandalf was a wise enough wizard to know it. He knew that something unexpected might happen, and he hardly dared to hope that they would pass without fearful adventure over those great tall mountains with lonely peaks and valleys where no king ruled.

>They did not. All was well, until one day they met a thunderstorm - more than a thunderstorm, a thunder-battle.

I'm using an excerpt from the Hobbit so as not to draw the distracting and redundant discussion of prose and style that would surely occur if I used my own writing.

>>22894054
That is the intro to Heart of Darkness with a few word changes. I would recommend reading it by the way. The prose is excellent and the story is really engaging.

>>22894066
Well fuck me I definitely should have recognized that but I was way too young to appreciate it when I read it in school

>>22894090
You read Conrad in school? That's pretty based. Where was this?

>>22894121

>>22893872
Yeah that's mostly a really hard magic science with the only ambiguous thing being that different people develop different spells. Not that that's a bad thing. Just write it well.

>>22894129
sounds like a non southern state to me you lucky bastard

>When Ezekiel was in the eighth grade, he was considered a freak. It wasn’t because of what he’d worn, his personality, or the fact that he was tall for his age. It was because Ezekiel had no superpowers. His teacher had told the class about how they needed to think about their future and all, but he knew the teacher wasn’t interested in that crap. One of his classmates — not naming them, got up from her seat and had a shit-eating grin. He knew who she was; it was the girl that gave him hell from the start of kindergarten. Grumbling to himself, Ezekiel rested his head on his desk, praying that he didn’t have to hear her nonsense.

>“Sorry, but I don’t want to be lumped with all these has-beens!” rebuked she.

>Ezekiel figured this girl was nuts; he wondered if she was being an asshole for not having a boyfriend, but he had no clue. His classmates roared — he guessed they didn’t like how she put them down. If Ezekiel raised his head right now, he could see it all. She probably had her hands on her hips, looking proud like some smug bitch. Not wanting to hear any more of this bullshit, he slept.

>>22894235
Ah, sure, I should have specified it was in the United States, not the Confederacy

What might be some affectionate nicknames a human woman would call her centaur fiance?

I wanted something a bit more unique than stallion, I'm not sure if mustang would be suitable as it is a bit too modern for the setting

Give me your impressions on my short films page 1

>>22894324
My wild charger
My mount (suggestive, but that shouldn't be a problem in a setting with centaurs)
Stud
Destrier (obscure, but French and thus romantic)
My little pony

>>22894338
I feel like the "that's what physicists do, we're biochemists" is a little bit on the telling instead of showing side, but aside from that it looks good.

The "until we see it, feel it" line is good. Delivered with the right passion I think it'd be a good moment.

This is what they used to say:

They used to tell the tale of a man. He came to this land from an unknown place and brought about the waking of the deep sleep. As a reward he gained/was granted wondrous powers, and he shaped the land as he saw fit. We call him the God-King in our histories. They will illuminate for you his benevolence, the actions he took to ensure this land prospered, the people that flocked to his great cities in droves.
They will not speak of the Wild… or the Dark.
Long ago, before the God-King, this land was Wild. In the Wild, man was lost, captured and slain by the savage beasts that roamed its forests. Only with the waking of the deep sleep did the beasts disappear, tamed by an unseen force that calmed the land. The Dark came after the Wild, seeping into the cracks at the edges of things. It is said that reality itself shifted on the day the Wild receded. One fate ending, another beginning. And the beginning is this:

>>22894338
"This is a very 'the audience has literally never heard of the subject matter' style of exposition," Anon typed, his fingers striking the "keys" on a device called a "keyboard," translating the closure of electronic circuits into letters on the screen. "I personally prefer to give the audience a little more credit."

He finished making his post and walked outside to visit a deli.

"Welcome to our deli," said a man behind the counter, as if he had never seen Anon before. "In this shop we serve something called 'food,' primarily meat and other fillings placed inside some bread."

"Inside bread? Like a boule that you cut open and stuff things into?"

"We do that with soup because it's liquid. For solid fillings, we make a 'sandwich,' where the bread is cut down the center and then folded over the fillings. Sometimes it's two separate pieces."

"Sounds nutritious. I'd like some 'beef' and some 'cheese.'"

"Funny story. Those come from the same animal, a cow."

"The same exact animal? Really?"

"Probably not the same specific cow. There are multiple cows."

Anon seemed disappointed, but he rolled with it. Soon the sandwich was in his hands. He opened his mouth and put a small portion of the meal between his "teeth," which are not technically bones, and tore off a portion that would fit comfortably in the space between his cheeks. Then he manipulated his jaw, crushing and grinding the food between his teeth until it was soft enough to swallow. His sensory inputs informed him that it was every bit as nutritious as expected. Sadly, it was wasted on him, as this was his last meal. Moments later he was hit by a truck and fucking died.

>>22894401
NTA but I honestly don't see where you're coming from. Anon's excerpt doesn't fall into this at all. He only mentions three technical things: retinoid protein, x-rays and ultraviolet rays and doesn't actually explain any of them beyond what the characters themselves would explain. The actual issue is that the Raj character is only a vehicle for exposition without adding any tension or conflict.

so what's the 2024 cheat code genre for easy money? i don't like being a wagie

>>22894415
I didn't mean to be so harsh but I got a little carried away
>The actual issue is that the Raj character is only a vehicle for exposition
This, plus the fact that ALL of the dialogue is exposition, and Ted himself isn't much more of a character than Raj
He's divorced, fine, but I'd rather see Raj tease him for it than hear it from Ted, so we can see how Ted reacts to being reminded that he's going crazy or whatever

>>22894421
fantasy/scifi magictech
my new story will make billions (when its ready)

>>22894401
>>22894423
Fair enough, in my defense the theme is sort of surrounding bioethics and how far should we push gene editing technology. So Raj represents more of a "accept what you got, somethings are meant to be" mentality where as Ted is a Faustian figure.

Essentially Ted goes insane because he alters his senses too much. So not sure how else the conversation and introductions can go. Especially because it's a short film, but feedback is always good.

im gonna post my prologue in a bit

>>22894538
Alright.

>>22894538
Thanks for the heads up

>>22893152

>>22894538
come on prologanon we're waiting

Gonna post my full novel in a while

>>22894597
>if you wish, you may do so
I wish it so.
>the trend is away from CAPS
I'm not a trend-follower. Enjoy conforming, preppie.

>>22894612
please post it to catbox.moe, not across several messages in this thread

>>22894597
What book? I've been trying to learn how to write screenplays properly, but there are practically no online sources

>>22894575
>>22894586
>>22894606
here you go
https://pastebin.com/iNRsHKc8

>>22894640
i feel like my prose is kinda retarded, saying "blue substance" instead of "aave" or "essence" over and over
should i change that? also just give general critiques about the passage if you're willing

>>22894627
The Screenwriter's Bible by David Trotter

>>22894620
The trend is AWAY BECAUSE littering your action/description WITH ALL CAPS looks hideous to read.

>>22894625
>mfw I fill up several threads with nothing but posts of excerpts from my novel

>>22894338

Raj saying "good luck getting a grant" doesn't belong in this conversation. Especially not where you've used it. If anything, it's a scene ender.

Scientists saying to each other what kind of scientist they are sucks so bad in writing. do away with it. We'll figure it out.

>>22894597
>>22894620
>>22894685
Code Neon guy here
Since caps for sound effects are apparently a federal fucking issue I will post an edit that removes them (or even just reduces them) if it means there's a chance I'll get ANY discussion of my plot, characters, settings, dialogue, or prose, as opposed to the strictly technical arguments about formatting that happen every single time I post here

Latto Ciurdar Tunbridge Whenby, Sophi, otologic Vpop Imo, woak ungone, casebearing takannah dekotora, Wulai Mowell Turrubul, colluding WFTU, loomworks, Hamakawa Llangamarch maqtaq ockerish, chaincode Gaynerd, racialized diparesis, Tribley insignium, oneirogen, campanological, butachlor, Bortala

Zolandz azeusist Malebolge davoch vardzak, SOFAR Bushler, Eurystheus YAF, Jaquish Songjiang Delroy Ebrard Glenrothes,

Kremlinite pleonectic faeling zindiq Islamophobically Toews Birchard,

yit belikat, damiurgis, families of orientation, nummetta lueshite, haniebnie, databehandles, saihsto przeszkadzacie subsequende embarazaban hópsýking roligheterna sopravveggente, paratopi, Hayır psychophor agrore clopiani, feghetens vattensvallet, piándole, chai3 Paucars beachs Belege, obfuscatorily, hineinpassen sianeq ensitjaves water-race, inconsideradamente Triglossus rubritorquis, nidificherete arquean onirzym jinzō köchelt, sharts, tankist abnutetis Whiteds przebijajmy, safekeep sugiriéramos optarias frastagliato, smart-arsed, reviruit fidusia, Musloids blodtryk every so often, New Caledonian crows, verachtenswerterem, misgoverns barratries, bòbào tranquillares, leprosylike, haus tambaran transfluerent, fondoir Dauls espiñabades, …

>>22894685
All-caps isn't for action/description, it's for SFX. Do you even know what you're seething about?

>no one read my prologue
its over.......

>>22894843
I downloaded a copy
Anything on Pastebin sucks to read so I recommend Rentry instead
https://rentry.org/what

>>22894473
I'll give you some advice based on a $250 dollar screenwriting course that I bought myself on a Christmas sale (immediately regretting it, and might compile my notes and post it here so no one wastes their money on this bullshit): dramatic tension needs to be in every scene (or if not, dramatic irony). It requires a character with a specific, external goal, with stakes and opposition to the extent that it makes the outcome uncertain (i.e suspenseful).

There is no tension or irony in your excerpt and this needs to be fixed at the design level. E.g Raj could be Ted's PI who wants him to work on something that will get their grant renewed, and if the grant isn't renewed then he's going to lose his shot at tenure that he's been working toward for a decade. Meanwhile, Ted wants to work on his own stuff because he's close to a breakthrough and has already sacrificed everything else (including his marriage) to get this far. Maybe he also knows someone else is working on the same thing and he's going to get scooped if he doesn't hurry up.

You could have the same setup: Raj sneaks up on him, gets pissed that he's not working on grant stuff--deadline is tomorrow etc.. Ted tries to defend his work. Raj calls it pseudoscience. Ted pulls up a conference poster from a month ago of someone else attempting the same thing. Raj brings up divorce. Ted deflects with snide remark about tenure. Raj makes a threat. End scene.

>>22894843
I gave it skim but the fantasyslop just isn't my scene. Also shit like "Shortly after that statement was made," just made me laugh.

>>22894868
yeah i could tell my prose was autistic before i posted it
how do i fix stuff like that?

>>22893763
>Like in LOTR where nobody fucking knows what magic even is, and Gandalf doesn't ever explain it.
I'd argue it's pretty sensible if you pay attention.

The world is the physical reflection of Eru Iluvatar's and the Ainurs' song of creation. Thus creative power is the root of everything. Craftsmanship, of a certain worth, shares in that power and is capable of producing miracles. Make a great piece of bread, and a few crumbs can keep you alive for weeks. Make a great poem, and it can scare away spider monsters. Make a ring and...

The second part is trying to corrupt creation, force it to one's own will, rather than participate in it. That's how you get orcs and rings of power. (Notice that Sauron couldn't create the rings, he had to corrupt the work of Celebrimbor. And even the One Ring was more of corrupting his own soul and putting it inside rather than a normal act of creation.)

It's not a Brandosando system, but it makes more sense than people give it credit for.

>>22894900
That's silmarillion and legendarium shit. Magic in the actual narrative of LOTR isn't explained at all, or only alluded to. You need to read entirely separate stories to even figure what gandalf is.

>>22894430
>fantasy/scifi magictech
Do you have examples? Or are you so far ahead of the curve that none exist yet.

>>22894914
Chaika is a good example. Very sovful setting.

>>22894914
>magitech
Shit has existed for ages but final fantasy VI comes to mind. I haven't read any books like that though.

>>22894808
SFX are an element of the action/description. Moron.

>>22894913
It's not explicit, but it's there. Pippin asks the elves if the cloaks are magic, and they're like "what the hell is magic? We just make awesome stuff."

>>22894776
I tried reading your script, but your action/description is needlessly long. Action/description shouldn't exceed five lines unless you make use of action stacking.
Read the book I mentioned here >>22894685

30th December 2023

“Under The Milky Way”

Went down to one of the shitty little redneck bars in town with the family tonight. Saw GUY FROM HIGHSCHOOL while we were there. He was with his mother and brother and two girls around his age. Not sure if either were sisters or girlfriends, but one of them was mesmerising. Black hair, tanned skin, the features of her face pouting out with ease as her silky casual beachy dress swayed with the grace of her movements. I was trying to get a sense if she was either GUY FROM HIGHSCHOOL or his brother’s girl. His brother, DICK I think his name is, has changed a lot. Curly mullet haircut, grisly face, looks like he’d fit in at some inner city hipster wanker party or something. GUY FROM HIGHSCHOOL looks not a day older than when I last spoke to him in college all those years ago. But that girl, I’ll never forget that girl. I’d fuck the shit out of that girl and steal those little black rectangle glasses she had on while she slept in my bed.

Wish I could’ve said hello to GUY FROM HIGHSCHOOL. I was looking for an opportunity but he never gave me the chance. He sat with his family the whole time and never moved from his little corner table out on the patio balcony deck. Would’ve been weird just waltzing up to the table but I felt bad about not getting the chance to reestablish a connection with a long lost face.

The year closes and I have no justification to take it easy. I drank one wine and two beers and it was a complete mistake. I hate the feeling, the easing of your edginess, the steady slip into an intoxicated state. I’m in no position to give in to these basic and submissive vices, it’s below me. MY BROTHER egging me on to have a drink fucking pissed me off. He has no independence and only thinks in convention, he still never broke from the PRIVATE SCHOOL NAME conditioning, going all the way to choosing a career in financing like every other private school wanker and marrying his high school sweet heart who’s fat and retarded and who isn’t really liked by the rest of his family. It’s pathetic. At a certain point after a few days with my family I can’t help but see them as pathetic. He sleeps on the couch, drinking like it was the only thing that could give him solice while his big fat fucking wife dragged his mood down while she texts him about her stupid dumb cunt problems. I’ve known this for years but I do not grow when I’m around family. Its a waste of time. It’s only stagnation.

pt1

>>22894942
Yeah that's why it's called soft magic, because it's not explained at all. It's not a science or a discipline that can be understood. It's literally the blessing of the creator or some shit in LOTR.

>>22894885
How old are you? It matters because if you're still in your teens you can just read more (especially poetry and classic works) and it'll fix itself, but if you're older than that you have to put in like 10X the work because your brain has already turned to rock.

I would focus on just getting a few things right: first, you should try to valence your language based on the pov of your main character or narrator. Right now you're writing like you're giving stage directions or setting up a shot in a movie. It's too objective. You need to pass everything through the filter of your pov character's eyes. A good heuristic is to ask yourself if the reader will know the character opinion about whatever it is you're describing based on your description. So instead of writing "Deep underground, a cavernous room was dimly lit with a blue hue" you can write "The room was menacingly deep, and the dim, depressing blue light cast mile-long shadows to the distant walls." Now there's no doubt how the character/narrator feels about the depth, the light, and the room. Compare to something like "The room was at a cozy depth, with warm blues radiating out into its great darkness."

Second, you should try to avoid too many weird connecting phrases. Try just looking over a published novel to see how they handle transitions and copy it.

pt2

I hate alcohol, I can’t stand it. The separation awareness from your senses drives me insane. I draw further and further within my head, without any creative or mystical function. It’s deadening, draining you of your essence and subsidising it with slurred words and a cavalcade of depressive thoughts and feelings. I feel sick as I write this while I overlook the night lights of this town and the rest of the family sits and watched a soccer game or something to my right, the TV lights flooding out into the balcony and the chilly wind rustling the trees and chilling my body. I feel sick and I have nothing to take it easy for. No stress except the one that weights in the inner anxious depths of my psyche, the next year will be hard, internally hard. It will be an journey of the self, an inner journey, a spiritual and metaphysical journey culminating in a war against my self as time continues to spew forth.

I get no matches anymore on these dating apps. It’s a total dead end. No girl no woman wants a 26 year old man who’s done nothing with himself. I can imagine what the other profiles of guys my age look like and I more than likely don’t stack up any more. That shit is over for me. The time to get something out of it is done for.

MY BEST FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL messaged me about going over to his for New Years. Bit of a logistical headfuck since I’m out of town with family. Would be good to catch up with the boys but it’d be worth the long trek if I could cozy up with a girl while I was there. I doubt there will be anything of the sort there though, none of them are going to set me up with shit. I’m on my own, the mangy dog in the isolated kennel of his own making. Bark bark bark fuck fuck fuck but no bite bite bite.

I just want to make love to that girl all alone under the Milky Way tonight.

Not posting on /lit/ in 2024. You people have very ugly outlooks on life. I'm not talking about political views or taste or anything like that.

>>22894949
>if you're older than that you have to put in like 10X the work because your brain has already turned to rock.
This is the same excuse people give not to learn new languages and it's bullshit for that, too

>>22894970
retard

>>22894976
Keep not learning new things loser see if I care

>>22894943
>action stacking
As in, one line for each action that could be its own shot during rapid action sequences? Most of the long paragraphs are describing exactly that, and I can reformat them or break them up. The rest are long run-on sentences where I was trying to be funny, but I'll see if I can trim those down too.
I already ordered a copy of the book after you mentioned it earlier, since I do plan to write more serious shit after I'm done with this.

Is it okay

>>22894931
That's a pathetic cope. I accept your concession.

>>22894959
See you tomorrow!

>>22895078
Yes. I have no idea what's going on, but if the rest is like this, I could read the entire thing.

>>22895078
You remind of that scene from 30 Rock where Jack comes into Lemon's office and berates her for keeping the blinds closed only to discover a man furiously masturbating in the office across from hers when he peeks through them. "You've got admire his persistence and stamina though." That's you.

Anyway, I think what you need to is up the specificity in your language. It's too abstract and cliched. You can do that while still keeping the semi-satirical tone. I'd recommend reading Wodehouse.

>>22894949
>How old are you?
22, but I don't write a lot; in fact, this was the first time I shared an original work with someone that wasn't a fanfiction.
>first, you should try to valence your language based on the pov of your main character or narrator. Right now you're writing like you're giving stage directions or setting up a shot in a movie. It's too objective
This was kinda the intention, I was trying to write the scene with the "fly on the wall" approach; but I'll try to write it from the perspective of one of the researchers instead. The rest of the story is going to be perspective based from several characters, but now I see that it's probably best to do so for the prologue as well.
>Second, you should try to avoid too many weird connecting phrases.
I feel like I was trying to avoid repeating myself saying the same connecting phrase over and over again, which caused me to use increasingly weird ones. Thanks for your feedback, I'll rewrite the prologue after a few more chapters.

>>22895174
>I was trying to write the scene with the "fly on the wall" approach
Why? Not being facetious but if you don't have a good reason for doing this, don't. It's very, very difficult to pull off nowadays because the omniscient 3rd person pov is out of vogue.

>>22895185
>Why?
idk autism I guess, was just the vision I had for the scene. Sort of the increase the "mystery" of the events that took place for the reader; if it was from the POV of a researcher or the princess, they would know too much about what was going on.

>>22895200
Sort of to increase*

>...His guard is bricklike, his footwork is balletic, his blows are explosive, his locks are agonizing, his throws are(?), his strategy is flawless
No clue what I should use for the throws

>>22894059
Nah, usually break up paragraphs with dialog, otherwise because I am so focused on the one scene and subject the paragraphs would run long and turn into unpleasant block of text. So dialog provides a nice natural break even if the subject remains the same.

That said, I think it's more of a style thing then a hard and fast rule.
I say if you want to do it then do it and see how it turns out.
Especially if you are testing it with a short story.
If you like how it turned out then keep it as a tool and keep using it when appropriate.
If you find it doesn't mesh well with your writing then it isn't a big deal.
Experimentation is a big part of honing your craft as a writer so please do experiment with this if you feel so inclined.

>>22895078
terrific stuff anon, best in thread. But please amend specially' to 'specially and signal Caitlin's impressions of Mairead and Callum *before* her illustrations. E.g. something like
>She cleared her throat, then in a near-perfect replication of Mairead's voice she whispered/crooned/whatever, "A kinder little lad [etc]"
> . . . throat again, then bellowed, now in a frighteningly accurate version of Callum's voice, "It's like you always said; [etc] ..."

>>22894929
I remember the first few magic the gathering novels being ultra-heavily magitech based.
I think it took until the second or third book before non-artificer based magic was every explained.
Until then everybody on Dominaria built and used fantastical devices to do basically magical stuff.

>>22895226
Throw it out.

No I am not making a pun however you have to admit it's a funny coincidence.

>>22895267
Thank you that is a great idea. I made the change.

>>22895302
Why?

>>22895305
Glad to help. But thinking again, depending on how far into the story this takes place (and how well-established Callum's and Mairead's distinct voices are) perhaps her ventriloquism doesn't even need to be pointed out at all to the reader or the narrator? You'll know better than me obvs, but you should trust your reader to connect the dots (if properly established). Either way, good shit bro, keep on

>>22895343
I will think it over. Thanks again.

>>22895063
I made a bunch of quick edits to split up those long paragraphs, but
>The rest are long run-on sentences where I was trying to be funny
There aren't actually that many of these, but there's like three in a row in pic related, and one more a few pages later during the first sex scene
The second paragraph there is the worst one, at eight lines
I'll have to come back to it some other time when I can think of better jokes

>>22895338
Because got the idea without it.

ONE HOUR LEFT ONE HOUR LEFT
what are your writing resolutions wg?

>when a follower leaves a flowery review but lowers your rating
>when a follower leaves a scathing review but raises your rating

>>22895663
I'm aiming for the top of the bell curve

How's my villain intro

>>22895827
This is extremely tedious. If you start a chapter with a scene that is well-paced, you will be discouraged from doing this, because you'll feel how bad the flow is disrupted.

>>22895827
It reminds me of the prologue to The Eye of the World
>>22895864
>This is extremely tedious
Oh, that must be why

>>22894976
>claim that you can't learn new things for some reason
>call other people retards
how much alcohol does this require to pull off convincingly?

>>22894685
Thanks!

what books would you reccommend for someone who wants good descriptions but clearly understood prose, fantasy/weird setting?
i know the answers lie in the mega, but i want /wg/ reccs
also happy new year

Which reason is best for a lord choosing his bastard daughter as heir?
>Legitimate children are a lazy drunk, a lackwit, and a slut
>Mistress is a powerful sorceress whose lineage strengthens his bloodline
>Wife was caught in an affair and this led to questioning of his supposed legitimate children being his or not
>Mistress has powerful connections and is more useful than his wife in politics

>>22896384
Depends entirely on your characters' personalities. They do have personalities, right?

>>22896483
yes
>lord father is a strong, powerful warrior, gigachad jawline and fierce red hair. He is highly competent, an excellent fighter, and regarded honourably
>bastard daughter is alpha queen bitch, chip on her shoulder from stepmother and siblings constantly reminding her she is a bastard. Has her father's red hair and gigachad jawline (like picrel), skilled mage with the monstrous prince of a barbarian foreign nation groomed and ready to marry her when he comes of age
>lazy drunk began drinking when his betrothed (who he loved a lot) broke off the betrothal and married even higher up into royalty, refused to marry since and just wallows in his cups and whores around openly, making him extremely unattractive and unable to find a good marriage match
>lackwit is, well, a retard, doesn't do much. Likes to play with toys and serves as a jester, actually fairly nice and sweet to most people, if a little noisy
>slut loves handsome men and has little self control as she was spoiled as a kid. Has her own illegitimate son but she doesn't know who the father is, greatly shaming her lordly father
>wife cares for her children but despises how useless they are, constantly tries to shape up the drunk and try to find a good match for her slut daughter, but it's a fruitless effort. She greatly fears her husband's lovechild inheriting and evicting them all out, or even killing them

>>22896497
She has one hell of a jaw I'll give her that

>>22896646
Fucked up the sliders in the character creator.

>>22896646
Her half brothers inherited the jawline as well but lazy drunk is fat from alcoholism and retard is overweight too, so it's hidden under their fat

The slut daughter has a strong jaw but not to that degree.

I was thinking if she should be half elven since elves almost universally have lean and narrow faces, she just sticks out with her broad jawline

>>22896497
Nah they'll just marry the useless drunk with the bastard daughter. Said bastard daughter will rule from the shadows

>>22896918
but that's incest

>>22896927
And? Keep the bloodline pure and not risk rebellion from crown loyalists, sexists, and other claims of illegitimacy from religion, nobles, and even the common folk

>>22896497
>the monstrous prince of a barbarian foreign nation groomed and ready to marry her when he comes of age
What exactly is monstrous about this dude if he's literally too young to get sprung

>>22896497
Stupid and unrealistic. The foreign prince wouldn't marry a bastard with no claims to land or ties to the crown.

>>22897027
Not him but if she's eligible to inherit the fief she has a claim after all doesn't she?
Also this is obviously a fantasy world where her ability with magic, and prowess on the battlefield, are more important than the legitimacy of her birth
If we're gonna argue about realism we should go for the thing where people die of dysentery every other page

>>22896992
as in he's literally a monsterboy, picrel (I asked the question about a centaur fiance and cute terms earlier)

>>22897027
The prince was originally slated to marry another foreign princess, but she broke the betrothal off all of a sudden and left him heartbroken, leaving bastard girl to swoop in and charm him

the prince isn't his father's heir

>>22897049
She's not eligible, hence why the father has a conundrum trying to make her legitimate.

>>22897074
Oh well I fucking misread critical information and now I have to commit sudoku
This is a hard one though I don't know how to use the X-wing shit and I think I need it here

>>22893285
A bit of the novel I'm working on. I love splicing little anecdotal memories in to show character.

You little shits need to use longer lines, I have a 64:9 monitor that wraps around me and I want to swivel in my chair constantly while I read

>>22897165
I like it.

>>22897199
thanks! Any specifics?

>>22897165
I have a very hard time getting into this. Awful run-on sentences. Self-indulgent, meandering rambling, where it's hard to tell what is the point, or is there even meant to be any. Starting sentences with "and" is bad practice, and you do it constantly for no reason. Not a pleasure. You can write, but you need someone to set limits for you, as you clearly don't know how to do it yourself.

i will post chapter 1 soon

>>22897243
Doesn't look "soon" to me

>>22897417
i forgot to take the advice that anon gave me yesterday regarding descriptiveness and connecting phrases and im going over the whole thing again

I am happy to announce that with today's Slop Drop™, the tournament arc is over. Finally. This also brings volume 1 of the /wg/ anathema to completion.

On Wednesday, a new arc begins. Somewhere out there, a fox cries lonely tears in her hut.

>>22897206
>Starting sentences with "and" is bad practice
This is why you should never use an anonymous forum for serious criticism. Candid opinions my ass, the only things to be found here is unfiltered retardation

>>22897735
You've posted this shit multiple times before and it doesn't look like you addressed any of the critique you got then--which was exactly the same as now: cut out the pretentious longwinded run-ons and atrocious prose ("a smile replied warmer than it could dream of being" still makes me laugh) and pick something more interesting and compelling to write about.

>>22897203
The part where it ended so I didn't have to read it anymore.

>>22897757
That wasn't me who replied to you.

Also, I post a lot of different things.

ok, here's chapter 1
https://rentry.org/78wx2
please give it a read and give me your thoughts, if you guys feel like it
feel free to shit on my prose if its bad

>>22897846
Prose is nice and readable so far, with a relatively number of style annoyances I can nitpick if you like
I'll take notes as I read

>>22897846
wait wtf it DIDNT SAVE MY ITALICS

>>22897892
Read the help page and use asterisks for italics
It's not WYSIWYG

>>22897898
aieeee i lost the edit code
heres the new and improved version
https://rentry.org/eif24e
thanks for reading :)

>>22897846
Wait are you the same guy that posted this: >>22894640?

Because the difference is night and day. This is much better. I think you still fall into head-hopping though and there are cases where you fall into abstraction "the unsolved mysteries surrounding the issue." Stuff like that can be fixed on a second draft though.

>>22897846
This is awful. The dialogue reads like a video game.

>>22897928
yep, i was trying to apply your advice. its the same story
>>22897936
can you elaborate? is the dialogue too straight? not enough emotion in the characters?

>>22897846
>>22897915
The first few sentences aren't the most engaging kickoff. There's a lot of redundant information you could present in a more dramatic way, especially if you trust the reader to infer some of the more obvious parts. The weather sucks for flying, but these guys are flying anyway, so this must be urgent business. Frame it that way.
Be careful with your relative clauses. Sentence 3 makes it sound like DC itself inherently makes for poor flying conditions. That's obviously not what you mean, and readers will figure it out, but they'll still waste brain power thinking about the structure of your prose instead of the actual story.
Walter's brief inner monologue could be dialogue with the other four passengers, especially given that the next thing he does is talk to the pilot. Speaking of which, are the line breaks fucked up, or is Walter the one who wants overtime?
Some more redundant information in Jake's intro. If you mention something he's wearing, you definitely don't need to tell the reader it's visible (rather, if it's concealed, you'd say that instead). Also, if you explicitly point out he's wearing secret service gear, that implies he's a secret service agent.
You'll get a lot of shit for your dialogue, but it's above average for this thread. What does bother me is the line "Are the facilities I called ahead about prepared?" That's obviously exposition for the reader, but cramming it all into Walter's mouth at once makes it something he would never believably say to Jake. Maybe he could ask how much time is left until "everything" is ready, and Jake could respond "it's already set up," coupled with some jabs about how he didn't give them much time to work. Again, you can be pretty vague about the fact that they're talking about "facilities," given that they turn right around and say it's a clean room. On the same note, when Jake says it's in the basement, that would come across more naturally if the way he phrases it suggests it's information Walter doesn't know yet.
Why exactly is Walter giving Jake all these handling instructions? Weren't four of his subordinates flying with him? Did he not bother telling them what to do before they landed, or have they already fucked off somewhere else and left the USSS to work as roadies for a botanist?
Does Kayla know how to say hello? Is she the kind of person who shows up at your house after not seeing you for two months and opens with "I need to borrow your shovel?"
(Character limit, hold on a sec)

>>22897915
>>22898144, continued
>our government
Wait a second, isn't he part of the government (by virtue of working for it)?
It seems pretty weird to me that people who spend all their time close to DC would be vague about nearby geographic locations. Which state park are the samples from? Prince William? Or did you mean to say the east bank of the Potomac? (The river is literally the border between Maryland and Virginia)
I like the details of the examination process in the lab scene, particularly how he'll have to wait for the DNA sequencing and do other work in the meantime. I wish the bit about the electron microscope did more of that, instead of basically being "he just put it in the microscope." Also, your explanation of how he's dictacting voice logs is pretty clumsy. If he starts off with "Testing, testing" or a date and timestamp, it will be really obvious what he's doing.
Why is he doing all this without supervision from an assistant when he knows how dangerous it is?
Hold on a second. Does he literally live in the White House...? Oh. Yeah, I guess he does. All right, that explains that.
That's a downright ludicrous range of accomplishments for a 23 year old.
I hardly know what to say about that last conversation. The worst part of it, to me, is the power dynamic. All these guys are listening to whatever he says, waiting for him to say more of it, and worst, deferring to his decisions regarding the departments they're in charge of. Anyone in their positions should be going into that room with their own agendas and their own estimation of the threat. This scene is a lot less believable to me than plants that can eat babies.

After finishing this chapter I am kind of dreading reading any more, but maybe if you revise some more I'll give it another chance.

>>22898144
>>22898151
thanks for your advice, i'll rework the chapter with this in mind. i really appreciate it.
i was already looking at the dialogue, wondering if it was kinda too robotic
also a lot of your suggestions would help the story flow much better, so ill put them to use
i agree regarding the convo at the end, the way you described it should be like was far better; it would help give the characters more...well, character. also everyone worshipping him is kinda stupid.
i had stared at a map of the area for like half an hour last night, it was supposed to be near the uh "elizabeth mason wildlife refuge" but im a retard and forgot that it was still in virginia. my uncle lives in lorton, ive been there before and thats why i decided on there

About Walter: he's supposed to be a grown up child genius, who got his doctorate in physics at the age of 17. Basically he's someone who learns extremely quickly, and applied himself to the real world more after achieving his goals in physics. He learned about business and law, and helped put his dad into power as his campaign strategist. This made him a bit of a national celebrity as well, so he gained some political clout from it. Maybe the whole "writing laws" thing is too far, though?

ill definitely apply this advice to the next chapters as well, so once again thanks for your input

Where do I get sensitivity readers? I'm afraid my story has been offending people.

What do you guys think?

https://rentry.org/mg42y

Why do I get sensitivity readers? I'm afraid my story hasn't been offending enough people.

>>22898390
Hard to citique because it's so far into the story. Your prose is good, not too flashy, not too dull. You keep the action moving rather than wallowing in description, so keep up the good work

>>22898462
would anyone be interested in reading what I have so far?

>>22898462
>keep the action moving rather than wallowing in description

action/plotfags are so cringe

>>22898390
has good flow, as well as neat characterization
>>22898506
post it, ill 100% read it. this thread has been nice enough to read and review the two chaps i posted this week, so im down to read in turn. retarded as i may be i will do my best

Really rough breakdown, because some of the finished scenes are just one page long and some are more like ten, but still sort of helpful to quickly visualize how close I am to the finish line for a first draft
I hadn't realized I was doing so much better with act 4 than act 3, or that so much of act 3 will be one long asskicking

>>22898213
>Basically he's someone who learns extremely quickly, and applied himself to the real world more after achieving his goals in physics. He learned about business and law, and helped put his dad into power as his campaign strategist.
The thing that struck me most about his varied accomplishments is how different the skillsets are, and how much legwork is involved in achieving anything in these fields
If you told me he was a math genius who moved onto botany, and his main contribution to the campaign was his existing fame from being a child genius, I'd just say "yeah, okay, fine"
If he was also a music prodigy, I could believe that too
My main problem is how you put both law/politics and science on his resume
Science is about a painstaking search for truth, whereas law and politics are basically about weaponizing lies, and they demand radically different mindsets for that level of monumental achievement

There's one other thing I need to point out now
Being the president's immediate family, he should have some kind of secret service detail at all times, and they would try to stop him from doing risky shit like flying in a helicopter during a storm, or taking samples of a piranha plant
This is a pretty big plot hole and it can get a lot worse as the story goes on
I'm just gonna leave it up to you how to work that out though
I'm rooting for you, anon
Plant puns

How's my title:
"The World's Most Powerful Hero Can't Find a Girlfriend and Getting Desperate!"

>>22893285
How do I write like how a dream feels? What authors write like this?

>>22899031
Unironically study F Gardner

What's the limit to mixing genres? I cut some old work together so it shifts from navelgazing about discontinued breakfast cereals to a rant on American Christianity to an action scene in a government facility. I may edit it later but I feel like it can come together somehow.

>>22898390
>Fruition stalking Antwan the past days finally yielded information I needed to discover Dorado’s whereabouts
Bizarre and clumsy. Stop trying to sound smart by slapping together lots of big words.

>>22899031
Lovecraft.

>>22899334
I followed Antwan and found dorado's whereabouts.

>>22899031

Kafka
Hesse
Murakami

How do you describe an inhumanly good boxer?
>I wasn't the one being hit, but each punch was something I could feel.
>Each blow was fast. Faster than any I'd ever seen prior in my career as a fighter. Fast to the point where I couldn't even perceive some of them. He was landing jabs at a rate that was more akin to a machine gun than a pair of arms. I swear to God he created a small vacuum with some of those
>Now, when he slowed down a bit, that's when I felt it. That's when he stopped pulling his punches. Those jabs were just love taps in comparison. These were real punches. The barrage slowed, but good lord, the damage was nothing short of... Awful.
>The sounds clued me in. Those weren't the sounds of flesh hitting flesh, those were the sounds of bones splintering. Of organs being pushed around. Of massive clubs smashing any and all connective tissue. Like they were being struck by a car moving at 60 miles an hour. I'm surprised the recipient was able to even remain standing after one of those blows.
>Each spot struck swelled up like a balloon, taking on a hue similar to that of a sickly bubo. That wasn't just a bruise, that was a vascular rupture. Multiple veins and arteries popping like zits per-punch.
>Underground fighters, in their arrogance, always looked down on public martial arts, but me? I thought I knew exactly how dangerous these people could be in a no-holds barred fight, and here was one exceeding those expectations entirely.
>I shuddered, hoping I wouldn't ever have to face this guy. Not now, not in the future, not ever.
I want to take the "Public Martial arts/Boxing are crap lol" thing that all martial arts stories do and not do it. Boxing is fucking scary.

a lot of my writing experience is poetry and lyrics. a couple months ago i rejected this as my lyrics had no purpose and poetry took a lot of effort to consistently produce well. since then ive been thinking about ideas for short stories and trying to write them without much luck at really feeling compelled. today i felt like writing one of my story ideas in a form of lyrics, and i feel really good about the process. it feels like ive unlocked the key for writing and enjoying my writing. i might end up with a couple spoken word stories or something, im not really sure how to define it. ive made a breakthrough.

So I asked this a couple threads ago but got no responses

What would be some ways for a barbed penis to be pleasurable instead of painful for the female? I was thinking something like some sort of chemical secretion that induces immense pleasure to mask the pain but I don't know how well that'd work

>>22899686
>barbed penis
They're just little nubs of keratin, not porcupine quills. Judging by the varieties of dildos out there, I'd assume it's a non issue. Some Japanese men even implant pearls under the skin for a similar effect.

>>22899708
Idk the barbs of keratin on cat or fossa dicks looks decently big

But you have a point, keratin isn't always that hard

Some day it feels hopeless, other days it feels like my inevitable success is at hand. But today it feels hopeless.

I want to learn to become a good story writer. Please reply with all the shortcuts.

>>22899031
Keeping a dream journal would be a good start.

>>22899578
If you want to make something seem scary, the description should be empathetic to the pov of the person getting beaten up. Describe the other guy's reaction; bewilderment, pain, desperation, rather than a fairly distant and clinical assessment of the damage that must be happening.
This,
>He was landing jabs at a rate that was more akin to a machine gun than a pair of arms
conjures a pretty ridiculous visual. I have an old unfinished project with boxing scenes that I can post if you'd like to see it for comparison.

>>22895827
Compelling voice and great imagery, though the pacing is too slow. I feel like you could achieve a comparable effect by trimming some of the fat and using the space to introduce some additional action or context.

I don't have story ideas. I have character and relationship ideas and I can plan out good scenes but I can't actually make a story. I am a hack like GRR Martin.

Made flash fiction for the pic related.

>>22900670

>"This story is exploitative because of the way you use fictional characters in situations involving rape and murder."
>"This story is bad because it doesn't show respect to rape victims or murder victims or abuse victims."
>"You didn't use enough tact when exploring this subject."

These points are nothing more than pseudo-intellectual moral fagging. A story is not obligated to treat a subject with respect or tact. Nothing is obligated to condemn or condone anything. It's up to the individual to choose their own morality. Everything else is just peer pressure from the herd.

How many rejections should I expect from agents before being accepted?
I've been querying for a thriller I think it's pretty good, and while most responses I get mention I have great potential, they say "it doesn't resonate with them".
Should I just change my novel to appear to diversity? It seems that's all they are looking for these days...

>>22900670
MR COKE-A-COLA
GABRIEALLLLLLLLLLLLL

9 chapters to finish my novel. I'll do it before the end of the month. I'm so fucking happy, bros. I'll take gf to a nice dinner to celebrate when it's over. well, the first part is over, then I have to edit it. This hobby is the most torturing and most gratifying one I've ever tried

>>22900864
>22900864
stay outa my reality, foo`
say hello to transyl 4 moi

>>22900706
>he thinks art is allowed to do anything but reinforce the prevailing thought of society.

Lmao. If you challenge something society believes in they just socially lynch you. Or they just interpret your story in a way that agrees with them.

>>22900965
Don't respond to spammers.

>>22900965
>Or they just interpret your story in a way that agrees with them.
>Fight Club
>The Matrix
Yeah...

I want to write a short story about a man lives in an abandoned village who spends most of his existence nostalgic about his youth and being absolutely miserable. He refuses to leave the village and slowly spirals into further depression trying to relive the good old days.
But I’m not sure if he should be focusing on how good his personal life youth was (good family, lot of friends, physically fit, etc) or on how he loved the village, the culture, and the community, and how it all slowly decayed

>>22901110
>I want to write a short story about a man lives in an abandoned village who spends most of his existence nostalgic about his youth and being absolutely miserable.

But...why?

>>22901191
Because the same has happened to me and I want to write it as a story

>>22901110
The latter is much better. Of course some sprinkles of happiness on a personal level is good, but focus more on the community and everything else will come naturally. Since you've not started yet I'd highly suggest outlining the plot so that you easily can write in a clear manner.

>>22900848
1400+.

>>22901218
Go for it anon. Personal stories that aren't self-inserts always tend to rise above genretrash.

>>22901380
>Personal stories that aren't self-inserts

>>22901430
Yeah, that exists. You realize that "write what you know" doesn't mean "write yourself into a self-insert and have literally you do stuff" right?

>>22899908
Take your depressive whining to >>>/lit/wwoym/

>>22893285
I'm going to try and experiment a litte, tell me if I fail misreably.
>The man was devoured by the crowd, they all struggled to be the ones at the front, pulled deep into a sweltering cauldron of human mass.
>A figure emerged into the stage and waved a hand in greeting. The man spectated intently.
>And suddenly. he was not.
>Thousands of people ceased to be, he turned into them, them into we and we became It.
>Its joy was irrepressible, swaying from side to side in explosive ectasy; with every gesture, every movement from that singular being It exploded into a cacophony of roars and howls and cries. Crimson flags fluttered in the crowd.
>His face was the only face, his voice the only, the singular was the only I, the only he, his mere sight was enough to rouse the It. Wake and frenzy it into an avalanche of unbridled emotion, endlessly repeated and agreed upon symbols rendered words obsolete.
>The personal, singular man raised a severe hand as if to strike an overeager dog. It felt silent with a whimper, a furrow appearing in its brow.
>The singular emited potent exclamation, a call for aid so loud and so clear It went deaf as he continued his speech. It soared in anticipation, desperately triying to tell him that It was ready; whatever he wished, whoever he pointed It would swarm them and tear them apart with thousands of hands turned into claws; tens of thousands of teeth would gnash and tear at the miserable creature until nothing but dirty scraps remained, the singular should not doubt it, it insisted again and again countless times.

>>22899019
I assume you left out the "is" for "Is getting desperate" by mistake right?

>>22902219
>misreably
dropped

>>22893965
For a moment, I thought that you were serious.
Lol, kek, Anon.

>>22895226
His throws were gravitational.
I went with that to invoke the movements of planets, or the pull of a black hole, inescapable.
Also, I'd suggest his strategy being Napoleonic, just something with more flair that flawless.

>>22902234
Cucked.

>>22893285
I'm going to try and experiment a little, tell me if I fail miserably
>The man was devoured by the crowd, they all struggled to be the ones at the front, pulled deep into a sweltering cauldron of human mass.
>A figure emerged into the stage and waved a hand in greeting. The man spectated intently.
>And suddenly, he was not.
>Thousands of people ceased to be, the he turned into them, them into we and we became It.
>Its joy was irrepressible, swaying from side to side in explosive ectasy; with every gesture, every movement from that singular being It exploded into a cacophony of roars and howls and cries. Crimson flags fluttered in the crowd.
>His face was the only face, his voice the only, the singular was the only I, the only he, his mere sight was enough to rouse It. Wake and frenzy It into an avalanche of unbridled emotion and endlessly repeated symbols.
>The personal, singular man raised a severe hand as if to strike an overeager dog. It felt silent with a whimper, a furrow appearing in its brow.
>The singular emited potent exclamation, a call for aid so loud and so clear It went deaf as he continued his speech. It soared in anticipation, desperately triying to tell him that It was ready; whatever he wished, whoever he pointed It would swarm them and tear them apart with thousands of hands turned into claws; tens of thousands of teeth would gnash and tear at the miserable creature until nothing remained, the singular should not doubt it, it insisted again and again countless times.
Fuck you, too.

>>22893965
>mid-action sequence
>chaotic neutral

>>22902599
Would a Hayao Miyazaki quote count as historical?

>>22902599
I always thought starting mid-action was pretty good.
Start with actually interesting stuff and you can do exposition and whatever else after that.
But maybe it's a cheap trick.
I don't recall any classics that start like that.

Nostromo starts with a scenario description and but reels you in with the action a chapter or two later, at least.

>>22902722
I didn't say starting mid-action was bad, just chaotic neutral (i.e. anarchist). It may work for you, but it's not for everyone. For the record, I like to "start with a bang" too, but I tend toward anarcho-libertarian.

>>22902740
Oh, sorry for misinterpreting.
I seem to kind of gravitate more to Protag info or establishing surroundings. But I try to lead into something exciting quickly after because it seems like a very good way of actually retaining an audience.
Not that I succeed very often, though.
Baby steps.

>>22902758
God I need to stop formatting shit like that.

So how much income from writing is everyone filing for 2023? This thread is mostly successful professionals right

>>22902825
zero doubloons

>>22902825
Bait.

I could use critique on a script.

It's the first draft, and I write a 'literary script' (ie, the actions and descriptors have a less rote and slightly more impressionistic prose to them, almost like reading a novel), which on the revision will be cut down into an actual screenplay for the final draft
Again, I am completely away that is not in the industry technical format, because I wouldn't be caught dead submitting from Google docs; that's just because it makes it easier to draft and share.
But every time I share it instead of getting any feedback on the actual content, lazy brainlettes just respond "I like it but it's not in the correct format".
i'll never get honest feedback at this rate...

>>22902870
just post it. I promise to ignore formatting

>>22902599
True neutral here

>>22902885
Thanks anon
It's James Bond
This isn't the whole first draft just the first couple of scenes to act 1.
I know it will never get optioned and and adopted but I'm doing it anyway be a of spite

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TrPIqBZHk3rhWvJOafMQ-obVu2qzUr0QaGlE2t_oYCw/edit?usp=drivesdk

>>22893285
So is there an AI that can write stories well, or read and analyze stories and write based on that (like a sequel or something), but without major censorship like chatgpt?

Do you guys pick a theme before writing or does it come up during the writing process?

>>22902906
I try to pick a theme first, but sometimes the theme changes as I write. What's good in theory isn't always good in practice

>>22902905
No. Nothing is remotely close yet, even when operating within guidelines so you can use gpt-4 (which is head and shoulders the smartest).
AI is good as an editing assistant. If a sentence feels unclear or clunky I like to see what it has to say to fix it. That's about it though

>>22902909
I see. I'm currently trying to write a few short stories using the same theme but I'm struggling to think of a theme that I could use throughout all the stories or if every short story even needs a theme.

>>22893285
Found this in my old draft for my novel. A bit much but I think old me had a funny idea.

>>22902983
Oops. Forgot pic

>>22898714 (me)
Up to about 90% for the alley fight, plus a few pages of the first section of the office building fight
What are some things an Irish guy might say after you smash his face through yet another plate glass window?

>>22902899
Some great work anon. I've only read up to the female bartender, might read the rest after work but a few things:
A lot of the dialogue is too expository, the agents straight up call Petro "the defector"; this prob needs to be smoothed over with code.
Is there a way to rewrite it so the action scene where Petro is extracted comes first? Bond shooting the tires out and smiling at the guards is a better intro for him than at the conference. Then straight to action scene (like most Bond/thriller movies do, it's okay for the audience to be thrown straight in).
Is this opening sequence part of the core plot or the usual tutorial mission which leads tangentially into a larger/separate conspiracy?
Just some ideas, keep going man

said is dead

>>22903000
it ties into the main plot while telling it's own self contained short story. Bond's bar incident leads to his cover being blown, putting him on thin ice. the main plot is to investigate Not!jeffrey Epstein, who is believed to be working for the soviets but is actually using them to play the US and USSR against each other.
Rather than Bond just bludgeoning his way into the situation, his job is to make friendly with the villain to figure out what he's up to. He's on thin ice because of the incident, and questions if he's being thrown to the wolves and if he should retire after this mission. Instead of sticking to his script, he reveals himself as "bond james bond" as a ploy to get the villains attention, and changes his story that of a burned spy looking for an exit strategy to gain the villain's trust

in this version, Felix is a devout mormon. Felix's cover is blown and the villain, Milton Hildebrand, shoots him. Bond mercy kills Felix to also maintain his cover, who's final words are "it is well". believing he can now be trusted and becuase he now has compromat, Milton finally accepts Bond.
After stopping Milton's plot and avenging Felix, Bond is morose. an equally distraught M confesses that there is a mole in MI6 that he has been feeding, and he sent Bond into the trap knowing he would be able to recognize and avoid it. Had Bond done so, Petrovich would have been killed. Remembering Felix, Bond tells M "its is well" both comforting M and reinvigorated Bond in his next mission to pursue SPECTRE

>>22903029
>>22903000
also, it is a retelling of The Cask of Amontillado

ps nice digits

>>22903019
I'd like to ejaculate loudly on Rowling's dialog tags, if you catch my drift.

>>22900676
Neat writing desu anon >>22900676

>>22900676
The mixed horse and ship abstraction's a little jarring, as is referring to the car as both a horse and car back and forth but that can probably done in a craftier manner. Overall, though, bretty gud

>>22903034
You find rowling's dialogue tags sexy? Please elaborate!

>>22900370
All I'm trying to get across is "This guy's punches are fucking terrifying"

A fast start helps establish a good flow.

>>22902825
I made about $700 in 2023. Not nearly enough to survive, but at least I can say I didn't just waste my time. I'm a writer and not just fantasizing.

If I've read a lot and well, I read plenty of stuff but ny writibg experience is minimal, how long until I am good? Any intensive paths?
I am strictly interested in manifestos, nonfiction and maybe some fiction though that seems easier.

Couldn't habdle writing a novel myself, too long.

>>22903430
How did you advertise? I only made about $20

>>22903465
I have a website and share a lot of content for free.

>>22903192
So put the reader in the shoes of the guy getting punched. If you've ever watched Mike Tyson's old fights, you can see the fear in his opponents' eyes. Try to capture that.

>>22903434
Map out your ideas and figure out if it's worth pursuing. Keep a writing journal where you're able to collect ideas. Just know that writing takes time and nothing is ever good in the first draft.

>>22900676
This rules. Best thing I’ve read in this thread (beyond my own writing of course)

>>22902890
Same.

>>22902825
I made about $26 at $5.22 a month for 5 months.
Hopefully I can get a third, maybe even a fourth patron. Hopefully they are also in the US, because the currency exchange fees are killing my gains.
My lowest tier is $3, but one is paying in Euros, and the other is AUD.

How difficult would it be to write about a place that I've never been? I want my story to be set in Oregon but I'm on the other side of the planet and have never been.

Back to work, back to not having time or energy to write.

>>22902905
I've been trying to build an critic-bot (so I can rack up easy karma on scribophile) but even gpt-4-128k seems to fail on longer works (3k word short stories or chapters). If you give it some external criteria to judge the work on (e.g is there a specific, external goal for the protagonist, are there stakes for failure, etc.) it seems to decide almost randomly whether the work fulfills the criteria or not. And it's suggested fixes are usually not that great. Here's one I generated recently for one of my own short stories:

---
The story follows St John, a young chess prodigy, and his complex relationship with Belle, a girl who seeks his help in a correspondence chess game. As their relationship deepens, St John finds himself ensnared in a web of lies and deceit, compounded by the emotional distance from his mother and the backdrop of war. The story explores themes of love, loss, deceit, and the innocence of youth in the face of harsh reality. Officer Charles serves as an antagonistic force, with a focus on the war recruitment.

Issue: The external, super-specific object of desire for the protagonist, St John, is unclear.
Suggestion: Clarify St John's external goal; whether it is to become a chess champion, to defeat Belle in their match, or to avoid becoming involved in the war. This will provide a clearer direction for his character and enhance the reader's understanding of his motivations.

Issue:Some sentences are lacking in valence, thus obscuring the characters' feelings about the events or objects they are interacting with.
Suggestion: Revise the narrative to include more emotionally charged descriptors to reflect the characters' internal states, offering a better window into their feelings and increasing reader engagement.

Issue: The consequences of St John's failure to achieve his object of desire are not specific, definite, and devastating to him.
Suggestion: Make the stakes clearer for St John if he fails to achieve his desire. Establish specific, character-specific consequences that would have a profound impact on his life, offering greater tension and depth to the narrative.
---

It costs 8 cents to generate, so I guess you get what you pay for.

>>22902899
>https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TrPIqBZHk3rhWvJOafMQ-obVu2qzUr0QaGlE2t_oYCw/edit?usp=drivesdk
Well you said not to comment on the formatting, so I won't. I don't think this is yet at a stage where you should be asking for critique. By which I mean that there are many things that you should be able to fix by yourself first (and if you can't, then you need to study screenwriting more). For example, there is a lot of preface. You spend an entire minute (going by the adage that 1 page ~ 1 minute) of people introducing themselves. Bond is way too long-winded (but maybe you're trying to play against his iconic laconism? Even so, his dialogue is terrible. He's basically just thinking out loud most of the time for the audience's convenience. In fact, this seems to be your biggest problem, not being able to divulge exposition without using dialogue).

If you want a crit at the structural level maybe post an scene outline or beat sheet or something. Your descriptions are bad (riddled with cliches) and don't encourage me to read through the whole thing.

>>22901260
>>22901380
I appreciate it, I’ve already got a good outline but I’m unsure if I should start the story with the main character being young and the village still alive, then jump to the present day. Or just start with the present day with the village dead and decayed

>>22904114
I have never wished death on anyone but you soulless fucks who attempt to dumb down writing to something for a bot to analyze beyond grammar mistakes come very close to meriting it. You are either a scammer or a retard, and I'm not quite sure which one I hate more

>>22904183
Techies can't appreciate art. They think everything must fit in some sort of box and a paint by numbers or it's not good.

Hence why so many techies continue to make oblivion clones and the video game industry stagnates to a cookie cutter formula (money and creativity never go together)

>>22904151
Well that's the hard part of screen writing isn't it? In each revision the goal is to flatten out what is exposited into the most distilled version possible. It's watered down now in the first draft so the descriptors are much longer than they need to be, just so I can put the vision on paper. When is finalized, this whole section should be 20 pages/minutes.
I think a good example of your criticism is Bond warning about the trap with Petrovich needs to somehow be distilled from something like a paragraph to a single sentence or two. This usually occurs when I step back from it and look again with fresh eyes. It's a legit criticism.
I really just want to see if I'm going in the right direction, as far as what people want to see from the story. Bond fans say yes, but /lit is a good place to be more critical. This version is James however takes a little bit more after the books.

I have a treatment style outline or I can give a bullet point summary?

>>22904181
Always start a story at its absolute last that it can still make sense.

>Kept thinking the chapter I was writing could not live up to the earlier chapters, especially the first ones.
>Reread the polished first chapters to see where I did right
>they are just as bad

Here is a piece of flash fiction I wrote, inspired by a few nights ago when my girlfriend kept me awake by moving around in bed alot.

>>22904055
Google street view has been invented.

>MSWord keeps glitching out and fucking with me every two seconds
>Can't even write or edit without the line spazzing out then returning to normal
WHY THE FUCK DID I BUY THIS?!?

>>22905097
>He bought?

So I decided to begin writing a bit of backstory on an OC self insert race in Warcraft

I tried to write this from the narration of a Dalaranian High Elf mage writing a book about a new people and their meetings with one another.

I'm not sure if I should make him more arrogant and disparaging of the race- on the one hand he is a high elf, but on the other hand he is Dalaranian and they are more egalitarian and willing to work with other races than a Quel'thalas high elf.

>>22905097
Emacs doesn't have this problem
On some platforms the screen tends to blank out and redraw every five minutes but at least it isn't corrupting the document

>>22904291
My point was that you shouldn't be asking for critique until you're at the point where you don't know how to improve what you have. Now, if you're trying to vet your structure or the premise or whatever, then you should post something to that end--again, after you've gone as far as you can by yourself. Its pointless for me to point something out that you already know how to fix and are planning to fix.

Post your treatment if you feel like you've polished it as far as you can go. Otherwise, maybe just post your screen cards or the beat sheet. The latter is probably better for evaluating the structure.

Btw, I wouldn't be so hasty to dismiss this project just because it won't get optioned/adopted. Spec scripts like this can often be useful precisely because they are using an existing IP. I mean the easiest way to get hired as a staff writer for a tv show is to write an episode and send it in. You might not get this made, but who knows, if its good enough it can get you in the room where the next Bond movie will be made.

>>22904948
Not sure what you were looking for. I didn't really find this funny. I think it's because you overuse the "high style" and your sense of prose and rhythm isn't good enough to support it's use.

>haven't written since last year

>>22905215
I fucking hate this font
In fact, I'd go so far as to call it a fon't

>>22905546
CARLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS.

>>22905498
Yea I was going for funny, kind of a over written style about something completely trivial

>>22905672
That's fair.

Do you have any suggestions for a fantasy font that is suitable for body text?

What're the basics of world-building?

>>22905857
You create a cool world and cool history of the world and fill it with cool shit.
Got it? Got that world?

Now think of ways to deliver it. Not the whole fucking thing at once, idiot. Just bits and pieces. Some historical event, some notorious name, some cool beast that everyone is afraid of. Little bits and pieces.

You don't need to show or tell it all, but you need to know what you have to show. You can't play poker if you don't even know what cards you have in your hand.

It is not as easy as merely text: you have to think about it to write it. And that's why we'd better find an enemy to face. For Ivan Karamazov this enemy was lack of faith. But I understand that his reasons are contextual to Dostoevsky's internal tear, in relation to how the church had its 'little problems' in relation to the original message of Christ. Well, it is something that can be criticized, and will lead to a deep insight into the psychology of the human condition, and its 'outrageous comicity of contradictions'. Do we accept the suffering of children in exchange for the Truth? We prefer not to answer this, because although our sensitivity is incapable of conceiving such an atrocity, and realizing that it is real, we also trust in God as Love. Of course then you wonder... but where is the love there! And of course, He is Greater. And that makes you cry, and you implore, you implore for a world without suffering, but this is just a text and when you finish reading it all you have to do is be brave

How can I post my stuff and be fully doxxproof? Right now, no need to worry about selling but what about blogs? I cant imagine wordpress would be that safe

>>22905921
>fully doxxproof
Just don't have your name attached to the internet retard.

>>22905857
Making each part of the world cohesive within its own framework.
I've gotten some praise for putting together a sensible world and revealing it naturally.
Yet I've also been criticized by a few others for not lore dumping, for actually making them wait before I explain the details of certain things.
I wrote 20 chapters of my story before I went back and rewrote parts of it because I suddenly realized how much I would restrict myself if I allowed concepts to stay as they were.
If people can make magical contracts that bind both or just one party, then think through the consequences of such a thing.
If there are powerful creatures that live in one place or another, why haven't they left?
Do they have a slow breeding cycle so they don't have the numbers to overwhelm other places?
Are they intelligent and they don't want to leave that area they hold.
Perhaps they require some resource that only grows in that place.
Within my setting, there are drakes, wyverns, wyrms, and wurms, all come from dragons, which no longer exist outside of just one.
Drakes are the strongest of them despite being wingless, but they are also fat and lazy.
They lack malice, but if between the last decade since they reached a point in their migration period and now a town happens to have been made, they don't care about walking right through it to maintain the exact migration course that they know.
How does this single thing change the world?
In my case, it means that people track drakes and don't build things in their path, because unless you've got an army of powerful people, you don't want to pick a fight with one.
These drakes are also a part of the ecosystem, so the archmagi are unlikely to lift a finger to stop them, as they tend to care more about maintaining the natural order than saving idiots who've knowingly or not put something in the way of a giant beast.
And as the other anon says, know what your world is, don't make it up on the fly.
But also, don't spend months doing nothing but world building, because you'll never write a story.
You should also think about how this world reflects on your characters.
The morals of my world clash against my MC often because he wishes that the world could be a better, kinder place, but to achieve this, the easiest way is with violence, the way of the world.
Those who lived in worse times or in a worse place, they won't understand him at all, because their idea of normal and his just don't mesh together.

>>22905785
I encountered the "ITC Stone Informal Std" font in a horror-story compilation, and thought it'd look really good in a fantasy book.
https://fontsgeek.com/itc-stone-informal-font

At what point is something experimentation and at what point are people just going to claim bullshit on stylization? I just wanna be the Lynch of /lit/...

>>22905879
Hmm danke. I appreciate that most of the focus is on fantasy & SF, just so happens mine is a sort of in-between place dare I say like a Lovecraft version of Greater Boston's Arkham. A real place in a hypothetical way.
There will be some kind of beast, either mechanical or animal.

>>22905931
Looks much better, thanks!

>>22905952
Glad I could help.

How to save a pdf in the best resolution possible? I find that when I save my texts with LibreOffice, the font usually is darker and better to read than when I save with Word, and I'm not even using bold or changing the size of the font. But is there a software that enhances the pdf resolution? Because, indeed, I've read books in pdfs which the text was easier to read (usually more darker or almost like bold text) than others.

>>22905921
>fully doxxproof
There's no such thing
If you publish two pieces of your writing they can be compared using stylometric analysis
Any unusual turn of phrase, or punctuation habits, can really narrow things down
A certain T. Kaczynski was identified this way

>>22905990
>pdf resolution
Unless you're converting text to bitmaps, what you're saying doesn't even make sense.

>>22906048
I mean pdf quality in general.

>>22906033
I am aware of that. I am only looking to protect personal information, my writing patterns are obvious with enough samples, couldnt hide it if tried.

>>22905979
Any advice for the writing itself? I've always loved the guidebooks to fantasy novels and settings but I've never written anything like those before

>>22906057
PDFs can be generated with the fonts embedded in them, which should make their display consistent, as well as allow the text/pages/etc. to be scaled without loss of resolution. Maybe you can explain what sort of quality loss you're encountering.

>>22906125
Although I write some fantasy, it's not the LOTR/D&D variant, which I think is overdone. So I can't really help you with that.

>>22896752
what would be some good ways to describe her jawline besides
>strong
>sharp
>square

>>22905462
That's good advice. I have the treatment at this google doc. I write for myself as an amateur with a background in prose writing, so this also might not be to standards, and I don't do a beat sheet, but I hope this gives a useful outline to at least vet if the premise is solid. it's also probably more expository than necessary, but that's because it wansn't for a pitch deck and I prefer to fill out then prune back

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zWm0eDWN49u_0gAdsnuvIC4jME-S27uRBL6DdAm-PmM/edit?usp=sharing

>>22906318
Make metaphors.

>>22906033

If his brother didn't recognize it, they wouldn't have been able to identify him using those techniques for another twenty to thirty years.

My penis was oscillating between extremely sensitive and borderline traumatised. The last place I wanted to be was Frotnipistan.
I'd been trying some home remedies, including one recommended by a friend. She'd urged me to apply Elizabeth Arden cream.
"My mum used that on her lips. You want me to put that on my todger?"
"It works, Harry. Trust me."
I found a tube, and the minute I opened it the smell transported me through time. I felt as if my mother was right there in the room. Then I took a smidge and applied it down there.

>>22906470
>>22906470
>>22906470
...because our time here is short

>Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your story. We are sorry to tell you that this particular text is not quite right for this magazine, but we wish you all the best for your writing.

Fuck you granta you queer anglo cuck fags

>>22906318
Z'darian