/lit/ - Literature

You would have had it all because
I would have given you the world.
You threw my love in my face
With empty apologies and bad intentions.
The immortal perfection is shattering
Cutting deeply into my already severed heart.

Oh, but to push it all to the depths
Of my little existance and carry on
As if the world was right and well.
A smile stretches across my face
While inside the darkness is spreading
No one even really knows this pain.

I see you, oh perfect one, and I feel
Something different than before.
The joy and love I once felt are smothered
Under the weight of disappointment and
One too many broken promises.
The shards stabbing into my skin.

But, this, I promise, I swear,
You'll never know or even guess.
I will carry on, just as before,
Now, with this intense love burning
Ever so deeply into my being, but
Now, I forever can only be your friend.

Needs more punctuation... you had a decent amount towards the beginning but seemed to, for some reason, abandon it during the last half.

>>2261864
>seemed to, for some reason, abandon it
That's a beautiful split infinitive you've got there.

What does a fern have to do with any of this?

>>2261869
I don't know. I just like ferns.

>>2261867
Thank you, I try.

tl;dr OP is butthurt because some dude found someone better so she cuts herself and tries to write 'deep' poetry.

>>2261891
Yes, agreed. This is all very sophomoric.

>>2261896
>>2261891
OP is very Meyerian.

>>2261901
No, because OP didn't use the word russet 12 times.

>>2261923
Post-Meyerian?

>>2261941
>>2261901
So, you're basically saying the poem is utter crap?
What's wrong with it... not a large enough use of vocabulary, the format, the topic? Etc?

>>2262008
It just sounds like something Stephanie Meyer would write to Edward Cullen.

>>2262021
So, anything where a woman is showing love for a man is going to be something Meyer-like. That's just ridiculous.

>>2262008

like a lot of oc poetry on /lit/, it's just straight up petrarchanism

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Petrarchan_sonnet

this whole hyperbolic metaphor laden unattainable love thing was played out in the 1600s and you'd really have to subvert the form something fierce to make it not seem stale

best advice is probably read more poetry -- a lot more, and stuff more recent than 400 years old

This is what happens when unintelligent people write poetry.

>>2261860
>>2261858
Only read the first two stanzas.
I don't have time for this shit.

>>2262029
Not anything. Just this.

Oh, how it feels, to be a dog.
Those gorgeous asses,
Whenever I behold their scent.
Warm air, cascading,
Forming a perfect waterfall of smell,
Around your magnificiently handsome ass.

A spark, a fire, burns deep in my gut.
I can't contain this, it's too hot
It'll escape if I even try
To keep it imprisoned in my colon.
But, this flame is only ignited
For you, for the one, for my soulmate.

Oh, your perfection, so unmatched,
None could be as flawless as you.
A master sent down to be with dogs
The unobtainedable, so desirable,
I long for the chance to be worthy
To be something to your greatness.

How could such a being throw stick
For such a lesser hound as myself?
The foolishness, the false hope.
But, I could never blame you,
Stick is thrown, I must somehow fetch,
Stick, oh this stick, cat has what I do not.

What cat has is your heart,
A marvelous gift that I would have
Forever cherished and appreciated.
The chance to be yours, would never
Have gone unnoticed or unaccepted.
Such a fool cat is, to deny you.

Yet, you have forsaken me, for cat.
The presentation of my love, worthless.
Unresenting loyalty means nothing to you.
Ah, to abandon true love for a risk.
For a siren, for a chance, for a lost cause.
Someday you'll regret your choices.

So bad. Def troll.