/lit/ - Literature

Round and round and round we go
down the boulevard of broken hoes—

well looky here mister,
I’ve found your mom and your sister.

One’s playing the flute for my cobra,
the other’s caressing her chest with no bra.

If you don’t mind, dear sir,
I’m going to pulverize the puss of her and her.

My god, your siblings puss is so puffy
while your mother’s is now double-stuffy.

They aim to appease my every whim,
and ingest one another in scrumptious sin.

It’s a shame you have to sit their and watch
as I drip on your psyche this permanent blotch.

Maybe with time you’ll learn to learn
to not have such hussy kin, my butter they churn.

>>22338598
dude!!! that is sooo clever and funny!! hecking based. you win the internet today!

sneeds creed and mead
formerly richards

I sneed I feed
I am sneedest and feedent
I study sneedology
I master feedonomy
Sneed's feed and seed
Seed mine sneed

>>22338577
It's interesting. I especially like the alliteration where it's used but the last stanza seems different from the others in style.

>>22338598
This is very bad. Not even funny in a 4chan sort of way. Trying too hard

>>22338570
It sucks that these threads don't last long anymore.

>>22338570
How distant it all now seems
Those days of precious dreams
Those idle days
Beneath the suns golden rays
When all was clear and clean

Before the bitter bite
Of disappointment struck my life
Before the cynics touch
Settled in like blight
When the distance between I and them
Seemed possible to mend

Now those earnest days are past
Of innocent love I’ve seen the last
With time I’ve gained wisdom
And shed my foolish visions
Yet I cannot help but desire
That long forgotten fire
That youthful simplicity
Drowned out by learned duplicity

Now I have a wound I cannot tend
A emptiness I cannot comprehend
For I’ll never see again
A youth I was quick to spend
>>22339967
Amazing as always my friend. I think this one is your best work so far

>>22338570
This made me almost instantly hard.

I have spent so long now at sea
That I no longer recall setting sail,
Yet still my restless dreams bask
In the amber embers of childhood's timeless twilight.
On sleepless nights, too,
When black waves pound the deck
And shrill winds cry curses
In tongues known only to sailors,
The shadows crouched just out of sight
Still whisper to me of Ithaca.

Ten years of my life
I have given to the dead gods
Of salt and stone.
Where once a young man's heart
Beat hot gold in my chest,
My veins now run cold
With the black waters of this infinite ocean,
Ever swelling,
Ever rising;
Each day, more of me drowns.
My memory, too, recedes into the inky depths,
One name, one image,
One story at a time.

Yet sparks still flicker in the shadows,
Grains of fire glinting in the dark
Like stars - like broken glass by moonlight.
My nightmares see them, too,
Snuffed out and swallowed whole
By ravenous time.

Saturn devours his young piecemeal,
One slow bite after another.
My hands are rough and bloody,
Worn raw by blind toil and the scars of many battles.
My hair is grey and my back bent -
My arms have grown too frail to lift a sword.
With each setting sun,
The sea claims another day,
Another piece of me,
But still I recall the smells
Of wild forests and summer wines;
Still I hear the sounds of children at play,
Still hear my Penelope sing;
Still I feel the warm sand beneath my feet.

And so I sail for those golden shores
Until I reach Ithaca,
Or surrender myself to the sea.

I'd like some feedback on where my project currently stands, I took a very long break and just got back into the swing of things to try and push this story forward.
>https://songoftheotherlings.carrd.co

>inb4 weird spelling
I just use weird spelling to force the reader to subconsciously otherize the narrator and characters in the story because it's tied to one of the central themes of the story.

Drowning my sorrows in a run down saloon
I met a man named Chuck
He had a sad tale of pain and ruin
The rise and fall of a fuck and suck

>>22341264
Celebrating in a high end bar,
I met a man named sneed.
He told me how he became a star,
Owner of a feed and seed.

The science guy said stars are the seeds
He said i poop stardust
Chuck Invictus my butthole feeds
The gods demand lust

>>22338570
one last time
I was advised to not post my work here anymore but I wanted to thank you, anons, who helped me over the past two years
here's a prayer for those of us who choose to struggle
and if you ever see my work out there, think fondly of /lit/

>>22341387
not to*

There once was a nipper called Barnaby Trim.
He played by a river, unable to swim.
His mother had told him: Have caution, my child,
Or perish! But Barnaby flippantly smiled.
She'd followed him hither. A gardener, torn
'Tween clipping his hedges and mowing his lawn,
Was minding his business, not far from the boys,
And deathly afraid of too sudden a noise.
His mother cried: Barney, be careful, my dear,
Lest God, in his wisdom, submerges you here!
The gardener startled, and veered from his lane.
His mother would never hold Barney again.

You should do words good like I do
When new berry come is not bad
My big brain has numbers as large as two
Do words good to make me not sad

>>22338570
the milk of human kindness fed
to maiden chaste and full unwed
upon whose countenance I read
the record of a seedy deed

Arid as an ever-after
Dried by your forgotten laughter.
Youth is where we went when we
Thought and knew all that which be.

I don't know a thing about rhyme or meter
If I were to meet the standard I'd leave her
For the only things I have to say
Are meant for those I love anyway

got a whole folder of unpublished stuff
pls critique

>>22338902
>>22339960

Thank you gentlemen, your feedback is indispensable

>>22338570
Slate-spectrumed walls
Blue shadows
etched into the wall,
closet, and dresser.
Sprawled
Then curled
Shuttered in Time's closer
unsure of where I entered from
Or where I'll exit to.
I awake
And suppose I'm
normal
after all

>>22342401
Irredeemably pretentious
Sorry bro
Try not sucking yourself off while you write
Here's a haiku

As the autumn ends
Frog lays down to rest again
Finally at peace
-winter pepe

Please be easy on me, I wrote this entire poem out only to have it deleted, and so this is the less inspired attempt at recreation.


Memberless Tournament


Breakneck ridge, birthplace of the cicadas.
Every seventeen years the hitmen wait
with their strychnine blades to finalize the numbers
and this never proves enough. Tall orders

bring the best out of the airborne troupes
who fill in the deathless gaps at the peak.
Tens upon countless, the ways the maps point
lose direction when the tracker's senses align

with extinguished preconceptions; the monitor gives way
to the diamond wills of flesh's dearest cousin.
It's not the spirit of the walls that listen, it's the inexorable
wake of saying yes to unanswerable questions
posed interminably by the animate winds.

Violence isn't only the solution, it is the solvent
to the peace-infected cardboard populating dreams.
Me? Don't get him wrong, he's only an etymologist
lost in the terpsichorean twirl of our native void.
Insects, after all (and its attendants), build careers

on the desiccated corpses of their prime dormant friends
in the crawlspace of your unnavigable arboretum
of finicky nerves and cravings for not just love
but its completeness of demesne, at least
in the realm of nervous victory
and salinated grit. Yes, yes, you will succeed

in all that you (and by you, I mean
I) will accomplish as a dugong does graze
in the spring months of my ironclad path.

Please go easy on me, I wrote this entire poem out only to have it deleted, and so this is the less inspired attempt at recreation.


Memberless Tournament


Breakneck ridge, birthplace of the cicadas.
Every seventeen years the hitmen wait
with strychnine blades to finalize the numbers
and this never proves enough. Tall orders

bring the best out of the airborne subtleties
who fill in the deathless gaps at the peak.
Tens upon countless, the ways the maps point
lose direction when the tracker's senses align

with premature preconceptions; the monitor gives way
to the diamond wills of flesh's dearest cousin.
It's not the spirit of the walls that listen, it's the inexorable
wake of saying yes to unanswerable questions
posed interminably by the choreographer winds.

Violence isn't only the solution, it is the solvent
to the peace-infected cardboard populating dreams.
Me? Don't get him wrong, he's only an etymologist
lost in the terpsichorean twirl of that native void.
Insects, after all (and its attendants), build careers

on the desiccated corpses of their indivisible dormant friends
in the crawlspace of our unnavigable arboretum
of finicky nerves and cravings not just
for love but its completeness of demesne, at least
in the realm of accelerated victory
and salinated grit. Yes, yes, you will succeed

in all that you (and by you, I mean I)
will accomplish as a dugong does graze
in the spring months of my ironclad path.

>>22343074
He said critique not suck yourself off via insult

If it doesn't rhyme or alliterate, I do not care about it. It must be fun to be sung aloud.

>>22342401
I am sure that most people (those who have read the Greeks and Romans) wouldn't be able to obtain the architectural image
I personally choose to read it as a comment on the "traditional values" larp epidemic that has spread among some of the young people today and the irony is that since they are only superficially trad they don't actually know what the fuck you're talking about with those words
I think you did a good job but from the perspective of the average reader today it's too much and too anachronistic

>>22343614
That's a really cool interpretation. I like it. It was more a comment on fading beauty and a disregard for reason/wisdom in general. Beneath it all, that which holds up this order, the strength of those who enforce and protect it, is weakening too.

Note taken on it being anachronistic, I figured it would be so. Tough to balance the visuals and symbolism I'd like with accessibility.

>>22343734
I don't think it's necessary to try and balance them in such a short poem, I think this could only be a problem if your whole body of work is similarly impenetrable to the masses and that is assuming you want the masses to read it all

do you guys post your poetry somewhere?
i have the urge to show my words to people but it is also so intimate. used to write and show them to my gf but since she left poems have increased, specially at night but there is no one to read them to.

>>22343997
I used to post here but when it got good enough to publish I was advised to stop, so I stopped
if you just want feedback or someone to share to you can post here, just make sure it's as a screencap and not as text so if you ever do decide to publish they can't trace it back to a "problematic" forum

>>22344031
to be honest with myself i just want to read it to her maybe this post was a vent im sorry i'll go away

Roses are red
Violets are black
I wanna make Abigail shapiros tiddies go

PLAP PLAP PLAP PLAP

>>22340354

>>22338570
enough with making these threads with some coombait picture attached
you’ve done this numerous times before and it’s pathetic watching you do it over again all the while defending yourself against people rightfully calling you out on it

>>22340285
As it goes along, I feel like more of the lines are clumsy to read. The ending especially. But I like how it sounds like something from earlier Renaissance

>>22340406
It's an interesting perspective, but I don't think there's enough new imagery/description here. It's a bit boring besides a few lines like "beat hot gold" and "devours his young peicemeal"

>>22340603
I really like the first stanza, but as I continue there are lines that jump out as uninspired or strange given the piece, and so I think you could write more interesting lines for those parts that would better fit the kind of story you are going for. But I need to finish it, and if you'd like I can try to go into more depth later.

>>22340285
Thanks very much anon. I would agree it's up there for me personally, but it is unfinished. I still want to add maybe 4 stanzas and end it differently

>>22341476
Very good. Although I'm a bit confused about what happens. Does the gardener accidently mow him down or does he drown?

>>22341631
I really like the rhythm. Good piece

>>22342046
The rhymes in the first 2 lines makes me read the 3rd as a rhyme, and then the 4th is confusing. Small thing, but probably don't want to do that on accident. You may not have, I don't know.

>>22342377
First stanza much better, besides its last line. Writing poetry about poetry is usually not good. Also, "meter" and "leave her"? Not a great half rhyme even. I have a similar sort of poem as well though, but much more pretentious.

>>22342401
As the other anon said, I do not get the refrences, but it sounds nice.

>>22344782
Yes please, I'd like to know which lines don't fit I am constantly editing it.

>>22342827
Ending the first line in "walls" and then the third with "wall" is not good. If you wanted a purposeful use of the same word it would be good to pick either one or the other. However, I don't think that would work with the word, since you're repeating something without much emotional impact or imagistic weight.

>>22343520
I agree mostly anon

>>22344031
What style of work got you published? US or elsewehere? I've heard the american publishing industry is full cranking equity and such when looking over what to publish.

>>22343168
The imagery is really good. It's interesting to read. I don't really get this kind of stuff, like what your message is, etc. but that's just taste. Sometimes it veers into sounding more like prose though, like stanzas 4 and 5.

keep coping bro,
and when you can't keep it up anymore
then transition to roping,
so that you may suffer no more

>>22339967

going to dump a bunch of work before I got to bed. I better see some critiques duckies

ODE TO PARIS
Endless are the celebrations of thee
Of lamps and high culinary delight
of subtle curves, nouveau, as a lady
oh all this i knew before my first night
but Down your avenues, as hands tracing napes,
My footsteps learnt your form before your name
Without language, learning only their shape
greater than famous bridges over seine
to me, were the dusky little corners
of the beige streets in the latin quarters


In these dark alcoves wrapped in graffiti
scented with tobacco and arab piss
we were first hypnotized by you, Pari
intoxicated we began romances
your soft tendrils wrapped round our eyes
you filled our mouths with rich incense
so we could not speak of our misgivens
nor could we hear each others bleating cries
no, speak only of the warm arrays, parisian lanes


her black eyes, fleur de lis, dans chatelet
passing pont marie begin to decay
by les goebelin they flower again
tumult was the rule, fickle as we were
even in the metro cars being overran
our passions had always served to blur
the day and the night, and all warning signs
poor fool me, blaming you and the wine
may i soon forget her and those days
We Spent exploring paris ever gay

ROMA
Never had i known, that delicate rome
City of long aeons and vatican, could hold
Such wild storms below its mighty dome
Or from its ancient bosom spawn untold,
Nightmares which shake the very earth’s sides
Then they force, they the skys grey turbid tides
The work of men to twist and then collide
And heavens host the tempest dost override

I who has believed my knowledge to be wide
Had learnt nothing of the atavite pride
Of natures brutal tyrant reign
Over noble man’s petty claims

last one

CATHAY

Framed in white porcelain
layers of eddying water
The glossy richness of silk gowns
Topaz eyes set in tawny brows
Dust in the air, courtesan’s black hair
Bamboo columns crowding out the clouds
Jade fans quivering in pale hands

Painting the orient
Blue, and brown, and emerald
Gorgeous ideals
Much maligned by
Realists and absurdist
Alike

For ones art, goes life and limb, for ones life goes song and hymn, for ones death goes cries and wails, once at rest, silence fails.

>>22345503
Did you critique anything yet yourself?

Under the heavy influence of Dickinson with maybe a sprinkling of Eliot or Henry James when it comes to setting/theme. But mostly I just had her lovely music stuck in my head and felt the need to improvise upon it.

Afternoons where idle innocence is lost:
There are those who beg forgiveness,
There are those who bear the cost,
And who cast along the boundary lines,
In search of other pains
To assuage the angry tenderness
Inviting to their brains
All the guests who can’t attend,
Out of town all through next week -
‘Maybe yesterday we’ll make it,
Maybe then you’ll learn to speak.’
Four o’clock becomes a tissue,
Gauze that shatters in the air.
And you never wore those cufflinks,
You were never really there.

>>22343614
It's classical aesthetics 101, anyone who is genuinely educated will have seen this sentiment countless times and recognize it immediately. Nothing against the poem though, I like the first two lines, but the third and last lines are a bit redundant imo.

>>22341631
Written from the POV of Eliot after he went to hell for being a chud? Nah jk I like it. Hope you don't get eternally roasted and toasted anon, that would suck. "will he ever abide by the laws of His" sounds insanely awkward to me though and most of what I read these days is antiquated language so I don't think it's just that. "mantles of fear" is nice though.

>>22339967
Genuinely Humbertesque, please keep posting.

>>22342046
>seedy deed

Heh...

>>22344367
"Of aphrodisiac thrills" trips up the meter way too hard for no clear reason. "Into my mouth awaiting" slows it down a lot too but makes sense in the context of "awaiting". But the main attraction for a piece like this, aside from the rhythm which is otherwise very very nice, is the diction, the combination of lechery with poeticisms, and I think that is done expertly.

>>22343168
Pretty well poised between disjointedness and coherence, and generally just competently put together and directed. I don't like the plays on cliches but my first line incorporates a cliche and my last one a movie title, so who am I to talk. I think it's just about how it plays into the whole though, and I think your underlying substance would maybe function better without it. Is this following the style of any particular poet or school of poetry? The rhythm is familiar enough but I can't think of a specific point of reference.

>>22344854
yeah i did that on purpose i thought it was a fun sight thing

>>22345510
I liked this one alot;. There's a good rhythm to it though i don't like "shake the very earth's sides" it doesn't flow right with the rest of the poem when I say it.
>>22345522
enjoyed this one too, especially the last couple lines and your many and varied mentions of color and their relevant applications
>>22345839
i liked it towards the end, not big on the first 3 lines though honestly. Angry tenderness is very good, and towards the end i really just mean the second half.


Here's mine I wrote recently:


'Twas I who caught the first raindrop
and put it in the drawer
and fell asleep for centuries
and woke on ocean floor
I breached surface my new heaven
and i looked all around
I saw I was in a desert
and there was but one cloud

>>22345909
>not big on the first 3 lines though honestly

Yeah that was just where I was first catching the rhythm and line of sentiment, it's a bit straightforward but I'm still partial to the sound and the sense, and I love repetition, as basic a device as it is.

I like yours a lot, it's clever and pretty and profound. I don't know if the break in cadence in lines 6/7 is intentional but if so I think it works quite well with the content. It's probably a bit cloying on my part not to break at all but it would trigger my autism.

>>22345932
I just feel like the first lines are a bit almost cliche especially compared with the rest of the poem, its honestly not glaring but it is the weakest part, that's just my honest taste though. I will say as another compliment though, i do like where you break the rhyme scheme in yours, it is very good structurally. The 4th line does work really well lyrically.
And thank you, I just felt it worked I had a tough time with the wording and making it fit while still conveying the intended meaning

>>22344909
poetry, I'm from the Eastern Bloc but I write in English
if everything goes according to plan (it never does), you'll know
>>22345839
I fucked up, there should be an "except" in the brackets
I agree with you, I just think the number of people that we can consider genuinely educated is miniscule

>>22344909
poetry, I'm from the Eastern Bloc but I write in English
if everything goes according to plan (it never does), you'll know
>>22345839
I fucked up, there should be an "except" in the brackets
I agree with you, I just think the number of people that we can consider genuinely educated is minuscule

>>22345939
>cliche

Totally fair, still holds weight for me in terms of personal significance but it’s far from original.

All credit for any technical merit should go to Emily D., and to the fact that I was heavily prioritizing sound over meaning.

>making it fit while still conveying the intended meaning

I mean some parts are obviously ungrammatical but I think if you act like it’s intentional people will just assume it’s deep and artistic lol. You can go with “th’ocean” instead of just “ocean” without adding a syllable but in the current year there’s probably too much “archaic” baggage surrounding a simple elision, to the point where it would carry unintended connotations, and cutting out the article does have its advantages in terms of conveying disorientation.

>>22344821
Honestly, the ambiguity's the idea, with the emphasis thus (I hope) falling on his mother's overbearing nature having inadvertently killed him (i.e. at the end of the day, he's dead regardless, and she'll have to live with that).

>>22346043
I thought that might be a possibility, but wanted to ask. Thanks anon.

>>22345881
I did a similar thing in this poem years ago. It's not very good, nor trying to mislead on purpose, but it's a sort of experiement.

>>22345839
I don't get how the out of town no-show guests and their comments relate to the rest of the piece, nor can I say that I understand it, but I like it quite a bit. Especially the "gauze that shatters in the air". The last line makes me think they speak of a ghost or an imagination of someone.
>Genuinely Humbertesque, please keep posting.
Thank you. It isn't finished. I still plan to add at least four more stanzas, because I have ideas for it too good not to include. On the "Of aphrodisiac thrills" line, I have tried multiple revisions on that one specifically, and I've tried to again today. How would it sound like this, with a completely new line added before the line in question
>To drink every bit
>Lascivious spills,
-Aphrodisiac trills

>>22345753
no <3

>>22345909
I like just saying yours all though im not sure if i get it, very pretty work anon

>>22345535
No structuring into lines?

Roses may be brightly red,
Just as when our blood is shed,
But either, truly, I'd give fully,
To my Love, until I'm dead.

I want to live in the french countryside

>>22346390
truly a journey this one is

>>22345839
feels in a beautiful way noir, almost like bossa nova, something missing as intended, but what is missing is sweet to the touch of memory

>>22340406
romantique, as if living in the end of the Belle Epoque
"each day, more of me drowns"
you seems to have learnt more from life than most

Here's one + you can find more at https://pastebin.com/aHeF5cmy

Silicone Excess

Excess silicone
bunkers, mansions,
missiles pointing down
entrances underground
above us only signs.

Glass golems
clawing at the sky,
icebergs, craters of data
who can melt them all,
above us only time.

Enter the office, officer,
it’s empty,
embrace a motherboard,
exit through the window,
meaninglessness galore.

When volcanic artillery,
spews silicates,
who needs pozzolana.
When the lava cools
who needs bones.

Sex express
excessive perspiration
fingers tickle glowing screens
botox, crystal squirming
lingers where flesh died.


When come the old man with the pitcher
we will sacrifice the silicate calf
grown gross with pleasure.

— “Where is the boy!?”
A cry will break the reverie,
expecting Aquarius the toy,
rosy cheeks,
castrato voice,
initiated not by choice,
ready for service.

You see it will be a man,
wise and old who
ran, while you lay
read, while you browsed
thought, while you commented
helped, while you posted.

The pitcher falls
on a pink bald head.
— “Will you baptize me?”
You will ask,
like a boy in golden rag.

— “Nay! I come to build,
the future is not for you!”
Precious blood
will gush forth
from your noble skull,
mingling on the stolen marble,
with refused grapes
and sweat from drink.

Thus ends the age,
not with a bang,
but with a splash,
when the nightmare is over
don’t forget to wash.

>>22345430
I am going to suggest something extreme but hear me out. I don't think organizing this poem with rhyme brings it any power. I don't think that you should just write free verse however but perhaps use some other rhetorical device to keep the balance. I know that this would be a big edit but I think that is what I would do.

>>22344887
In stanza 1
>That what we hid no man could fynd
>Where it lay buried beneath our hate.
I don't get how these last 2 lines follow from the ones before. Is it referencing the little city thwy have left later in the poem? Or is this talking about in the aftermath of their total destruction, that something was hidden beneath hatred? It's a little confusing to me.

In stanza 2,
>With ryfles, with rockets, with panzers,
>Whose power - so awe inspyring
>That all our shyres and all our towns
These lines are not metrically regular. You begin with a nice rhythm in the first stanza, but many times throughout the lines lost this rhythm and read clumsily. I'm not sure if you focused on meter or wish to forgoe it, but this is what I get hung up on reading. Not a big deal really, just a quick re-arrangment or re-write to fit the meter is what's needed. Just as an example
>With their ryfles, rockets, panzers
I think this sounds more fitting than the line as it stands.
>Till naught was left save songs to sing.
I think prayers are more appropriate here. Not songs. The idea that at the brink of destruction they would only have song is a strange thought.

In stanza 3, nothing jumps out metrically, but the imagery is very clichéd. Hands cold, legs have lost their power, etc. I believe something more visceral and specific would help compell readers to listen. Something like his "legs are dust and paste from stone collapsing", or "barely hold a pen with broken fingers". Just something much more specific and different, to shock/interest the reader, instead of very uninteresting ways to describe his final moments. Overall, this is what I mostly see. Either lines are not metrically regular and they fumble when reading them, or there are lines that don't serve the story as well as they could, which means they don't just need to be rearranged meterically, but need to be changed into something more fitting of the plot and more interesting.

>>22346509
I like it. "fingers tickle glowing screens" is a fun line. It seems to be about technology in general, as opposed to the old man living life outside of phones and the like. Reminds of this not very good poem I wrote while in an airport.

>>22346529
Do you think it shouldn't rhyme or that the rhyme scheme should be different?

>>22346588
I think that it should not. I think you could use parallelism, grammar, and sound to forge a balance instead of rhyme. It sounds too jaunty for what I think you are trying to achieve.

>>22346549
Thanks for the advice, honestly the last two lines of the first stanza I changed after trying to fix it and still want to change them and I agree with the second one, I feel like I can make it better since I realized after months my metre has gotten much better I just need to get back to it and I might drop the third altogether but I might also instead add more to communicate to the reader that the author is the last of their kind and that to write it is their last task which is tied to the story.

Any thoughts on the pacing, imagery, vocabulary?

>>22346725
The vocabulary was good, the imagery could use work, as I said. Some lines are not impactful enough, like the speakers last moments. For the pacing, I think the speaking of the council parts towards the end are a bit slow considering your structure of six lines per stanza. Things should move more quickly or be more succinct within each stanza, although I do understand what you're trying to do there. Maybe make the debate a more clear back and forth. I like some of their introductions, but some of them are weak compared to that one strong fighter.

>>22346450
> I don't get how the out of town no-show guests and their comments relate to the rest of the piece, nor can I say that I understand it

Don’t overthink it, I certainly didn’t. Any coherent meaning I could come up with for it would be posthoc rationalization, it’s just a musical exercise and perhaps a glimpse at subconscious associations too embarrassing to put plainly.

> The last line makes me think they speak of a ghost or an imagination of someone.

Yeah, it also just felt fitting given the ephemeral nature of my composition process.

> Thank you. It isn't finished. I still plan to add at least four more stanzas, because I have ideas for it too good not to include.

Looking forward to it, I will actually actively seek it out - I haven’t paid much attention to these threads before but that one at least was far, far better than I expected.

> How would it sound like this

I think you nailed it, from a purely grammatical perspective it’s obviously not super structured but I think that’s good for conveying frantic desire.

>>22346509
Thanks, that is definitely broadly in line with what I was going for/feeling.

You’ve got a really powerful command of tone, imagery, sound and pacing/effect of sentences. I don’t have super strong feelings on the subject matter and perhaps some parts could benefit from a more understated approach message-wise but the language is extremely effective at making the emotion come through regardless of where the reader lands with regard to those concerns.

Here’s another that’s primarily musical, cadence probably just a long-lingering echo from the immortal rhythm of “Annabel Lee”.

Her touch is as gentle as feathers on lace,
And her eyes are as wide as the sea,
And her heart is as cold as the cold smile of death
Which never shall smile upon me,

Since a life that goes on past its sell-by
Can never quite properly die,
For the god who approved its half-formed incarnation’s as much of a coward as I.

the heavy smell of rotting flesh and semen stains

synchronizing with the western wind and indifferent rain

lovely exposed bone in the light of the moon

better close her coffin or they'll catch me soon

>>22346868
I'll work on it and thanks again I've been waiting so long for any kind of feedback lol
For now I still want to get a bit more bulk on the story and finally progress it but I can definitely see parts that need revision but it's hard to think of mistakes with my mind alone.

>>22347136
I usually never consider a poem finished until maybe years later. I still look back at my older poems and sometimes change a word or line, or just some punctuation. I tend to see things more clearly about a poem after some months, when my attachment to it has gotten weaker, and my skills have gotten better, hopefully. That may be what helps you improve this piece as well.

>>22346958
>Looking forward to it, I will actually actively seek it out - I haven’t paid much attention to these threads before but that one at least was far, far better than I expected
Here's another you might like then.
>I think you nailed it, from a purely grammatical perspective it’s obviously not super structured but I think that’s good for conveying frantic desire.
Thank you. Means a lot anon.

>>22346958
I like it. How much has Poe influenced you?

The flower pushes up into the room
It wishes to blossom or bloom
But the botanist sighs
And without water the flower dies

In my poem there's also a room
With space in it where things may happen
Some time will have passed soon
Some simple seeds may blossom

>>22347558
I really love it, wonderful lightness of touch and ambiguity in the way that you maintain the romantic tone and the degree of musicality throughout despite the subject matter - much more eerie and enchanting than if you had tried to go for a jarring effect and emphasize the contrast.

>>22348387
Not much at all really, but I've come around to the idea of him a lot after realizing how influential he was, "genre" writer or not, I definitely want to read more of his stuff. I was just searching my memory for where I had caught that anapestic meter, but now I think it was probably from Blake's "Nurse's Song" which I read much more recently.

>>22338570
I like these girls

>>22349268
Thank you. If you've read enough of Poe's poetry you could probably see the inspiration for the piece, which is "For Annie", similar to "Annabell Lee". He's the only poet I've read the complete poetical works of. His poem The Raven is still my favorite, ever since I read it in middle school. I love poetry with strong metrical rhythms that force their pacing onto the reader. I also like Kipling for this reason.

like honey and milk —

my sneed
feeds on dissolution
a neet's sabbatical:
whiteness of bone
underneath a layer of projections
tears of Ken sour
vinegar
acid to plastic cake
the way:
with the stone called horse
ripples riseth from below
iron age hand
in a glove
gauntlet
worn by the ghost
of the bug
eat it to become it
and the oracle saying
'THEE'

>>22346485
For ones art, goes life and limb,
For ones life goes song and hymn,
For ones death goes cry and wail,
Once at rest, silence fails.

Its the first time ive ever written any poetry, so structure is a bit out of my wheelhouse.

Yours is neat.

>>22348495
>>22349088
Cute
Poets are real ones

>>22350562
the real is a solid tickle in the laughing muscle
He said dance:
taking the chance
a pittancer's drift:
solid. mad. strictly beyond greed
a pelican
gargling blood
start with the medicine
leave theological mud
for later times
Cyclops eyesight straight through Odysseus crimes
I see my self standing at the shore
the final sea storm –
tidal centaurs overarching Gigantis befalls
like the coming grace:
Gigatism. When I'll wake up I'll be some distant dream of a dinosaural race.

>>22338577
this is metrically horrible

>>22343074
nice haiku bro

>>22342401
I like it. Referencing things others won't understood is pretty cool. I am being serious.

CANTO

Baldwin Baldwin my sweet
Let us wield the cross with pride
Allow yourself to recall, victory
Remark upon every tree

Like the young boy just descended!

“I have conquered you!”

For death in truth is triviality
For death in truth is a passing stage
A passing way, an easy reality
Which yesterday he went paying the wage

A door you will open and you will shut
The door which he opened up

The Pusch

It seldom wafts.
It's often warm and soft.


Happy Birthday

I cried "Sodomy is a sin!"
As she forced it in.

Bat's blood dripping on a rune
A robot weaver awakes
Under this blood moon
The soil seething with snakes

Dryad

Delicate forest lady sweet and green

Dressed bare but for sultry vinery

Dancing through briars and branches unseen

Dryad’s supple skin was purest ivry

Ahhhh but I caught your eye’s glint in the night

Its wild iris could not be hid from moonlight

The hot violence beneath the placid vines

The red vines stretching across your sclera

Told me you weren’t a muse for genius minds

But a wicked whore a vile chimera


I think this one went off the rails but maybe you'll enjoy. who knows

>>22338570
why is this hot?
god damnit, theres something wrong with me.

>>22350613
is metric your only metric

>>22338577
i admire a poets courage, but its not who i want to be. Poets are overly sensitive to the world, everything moves them, it is hard be a romantic and remain stoic.

>>22352867
Of course, people want to read poetry, understand it, tell good poetry from bad. But the common man, he has hardly any time for such things. He must feed himself and his family, provide, while away his days in toil and sacrifice, and what little poetry he has room for, it must move his simple soul.

I stand with the common man, until he has the time and the inclination to enjoy poetry, then I shall not either.

>>22352615
bro, don't beat your muse, what are you, a monster?

>>22352615
oh lady moonlight..
YOUR A FUCKING WHORE
WHOOOOOOORE

>>22352615
a spot of the ol lady and the tiger eh guv? (tich-tich)

>>22352615
>The red vines stretching across your sclera
>>22352615
>But a wicked whore a vile chimera
how much time did you spend trying to rhyme this?

Kind of a round about way of saying nature is a whore. Most poets, by virtue of their nature, tend not to shit on nature, beauty, or the female form.

>>22352615
The butterfly, she no so pretty close up, eh?

>>22346577
you should seperate these into four line stanzas. Very good poem. Much wow.

>>22346390
this is not bad. don't be so hard on yourself.

trying something subtle here

>>22347558
Can we have ONE poetry thread where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?

nice overall though.

>>22345839

I'm >>22343168

Really appreciate the feedback, thank you. Your first point really highlights one of my main goals. Finding that perfect balance between syncopation and harmony has been a tricky obstacle that I've only in the past year really begun to refine. The point about cliches is also super helpful, as I know exactly what you mean, therefore I probably still haven't hit the mark with what I'm attempting to do with them. As for style, I read super widely when it comes to poetry, so I'd say it's a confluence of influences you're picking up on. I've heard it sometimes sounds like Ashbery, but honestly there isn't a specific school or style I shoot to emulate or loosely follow—I kinda just do what feels right, esp. if the belly bubbles do their little dance.

>>22344381

I have to disagree with you w/r/t this particular piece of work by fine art photographer Eugeny Hramenkov. I would call the image subliminally libidinous at best, and far below the threshold of what could be considered "coombait." Whatever you see in the photo is merely a reflected projection of whatever lies in your own sexually corrupted mind.


Or you could also be a repressed homosexual

>>22344381

I have to disagree with you w/r/t this particular picture, a piece by fine art photographer Eugeny Hramenkov. In fact, I would call the image subliminally libidinous at best, well below the threshold of what could be considered "coombait." Anyhow, whatever you see in the photo is merely a reflected projection of what lies in your own sexually corrupted mind.


Or you could also be a repressed homosexual who can't stop focusing on what he wishes he'd like to focus on but ultimately does not

What if I told you I love her madly?
Where vines and flowers do grow
does my mad desire ripple and flow.
Through the dams of empty streets
under the thames where the misfits meet
If she were in a war-zone would I resist
the blades of human abolishment;
to take sharp sacrifice through my back
and defend; waging armies as I defend Cupids attack.

>>22353174
oof

i'm heterohumanoid
and viable are my oysters

ask my doctor, she's an expert
on my many genitals, and how they function

not to be too crude, but really
friends is a bad show

barring any IP
I don't mean TV

>>22349991
Thanks. Yours is as well.

>>22350720
I like the second half much more. The rhythm is more fun and it rhymes, whereas the first does not. It also sounds more serious and impactful.

>>22351394
Dark. The first one is about what I think it is, right?

>>22352263
This is cool imagery

>>22352615
Damn, anon. With some slight edits this could be even better. It's already pretty good. Funnily enough I have a work in progress related to this.

>>22352904
>>22352909
Thank you. I should split that into quatrains.

>>22352913
I don't get it, but it reads nicely and has some interesting and some funny lines

>>22352919
We cannot

>>22353174
Since your first line doesn't rhyme with any other, but the others do, it feels somewhat impotent once noticed. Lines 2 and 3 could be improved with slight changes. For example I think just removing the "do" towards end of line 2 sounds better. I don't like the rhymes for the middle four lines either, but their metrically fine. I really like your last line though, how it it runs long. That stuff is fun. However, you use the word "defend" twice in that line and the word doesn't have any powerful use in repetition.

>>22349088
Thanks bro
Actually made me feel a bit better

>>22353711

Wink wink.

Reminiscence
Is a gordion heart knot
A rorschach inkblot
A reminder of the damned thought
That good comes easily

Reminiscence
Paints living loves
Skews the sun above
And distorts all there-of
To be seen as misery

Reminiscence
Speaks of what was
Though it were to be

They cut it down, and where the pitch-black aisles
Of forest night had hid eternal things,
They scaled the sky with towers and marble piles
To make a city for their revellings.

White and amazing to the lands around
That wondrous wealth of domes and turrets rose;
Crystal and ivory, sublimely crowned
With pinnacles that bore unmelting snows.

And through its halls the pipe and sistrum rang,
While wine and riot brought their scarlet stains;
Never a voice of elder marvels sang,
Nor any eye called up the hills and plains.

Thus down the years, till on one purple night
A drunken minstrel in his careless verse
Spoke the vile words that should not see the light,
And stirred the shadows of an ancient curse.

Forests may fall, but not the dusk they shield;
So on the spot where that proud city stood,
The shuddering dawn no single stone revealed,
But fled the blackness of a primal wood.

>>22354448
I love a bit of iambic pentameter. Lovely flow, you've got. Can I ask what's going on in the last six lines? I'm afraid they go over my head.

>>22354448
This is really cool. Great poem anon.

Let it live
Don't say goodbye
This sacrifice I give
To prolong the lie

Isis levitate
Mind sins ¿ fetters shake
Cries blend better fate
High-bliss-head await

>>22355762
this is a bit of a gimmicky one but it's the last poem I wrote... kind of want to get back into poetry but it's kind of annoying because whenever I get the urge to write something again I'm not "inspired" by anything. I would have to wait for something to give me an idea to get back into it. but when I do get an idea I probably won't notice it because poetry isn't something i'm thinking about all the time right now

>>22355771
>>22355762
I'm in the same boat. I usually write stuff up on my phone, so everyday I check my notes and look through my random lines and unfinished poems, seeing if anything comes up while I review them. If nothing new strikes me, I will edit if I feel the need. I don't really get your poem, but it's fun to read at least, which is more important to me.

>>22354105
I like it, anon

I tried so hard
and got so far
but in the end
it didn't even matter
I had to fall
and suck some balls
just to make
20 dollars

>>22353728

Thank you so much, highly appreciate it.
As for 'understanding it,' 'getting it,' etc., that's not quite what its goal is, so your response aligns perfectly with what I'm looking for. Trying to redefine what "meaning" in a poem actually means, I think the psycho-phenomenological reaction is substantially more important. Every person digs with both a different shovel and in different ground so regardless of the substance dug, it's the quality/quantity I care most about. Cheers,,

this room is so dark
a green plant in the corner
why are you alive?

I refuse to help my closest friends
dispose of the recognizable "dead" bodies.
Rather set fire to the Sistine Chapel I would
should I be a little light—cash is scarce
in these Sardinian offshoots of the once significant
site of luxurious plenipotentiary power. Rome

did destruct in a day. "Self," etymologists say
came from the old English word "self." Same, same, but
different, the collectivist shouts in unison.

"I have nothing else to say,"
the audiobook said
in frantic decay
(domliminally).

Loyalty to the


I refuse to help my closest friends
dispose of their recognizable "dead" bodies.
Rather set fire to the Sistine Chapel I would,
should I be a little light.
Cash is scarce
in these Sardinian offshoots of the once significant
site of plenipotentiary power. Rome

did destruct in a day. "Self," etymologists say
came from the olde English word "self." Same, same,
but different, the collectivist shouts in unison.

"I have nothing else
to say," the audiobook said
in frantic decay
(domliminally
without consent).

>>22350604
my favourite in the the thread

violet eye

dove tail ]
leaving a fairy trail
of flowers
thin stem,
sharp thorn,
pluck'd raw, laid thick
as a rotund daisy
or a sex wir'd hip

their swole comparments
an arrangement of complex
bobs and bits as bulb heads toggle
through the agua, through the grit

now plac'd
in vase
next to candle
under spit
from afar
falling from eyes as raw
as frozen limb
fresh after the thaw

>>22338570
Why does this pic get reposted so much? Perhaps I'm desensitized but I never found it arousing or engaging in the slightest. There are always people losing their shit over it too.

>>22356610
thorn's sharp edge incision on a porous flesh
of common radio –
........control. through fear
........mutual exchange
........and negotiation. –

a storm god's screen cleared
sexed rightly through the rose vision
adoring the scent of it's wet plush

now enter Plato:
watchman's envy of autismal stances
economising love crucified
on a legal code

as the parallel road:
spits
mixed with damp charcoal dirt
the dung gate where the exiles dead
set on reinvoking the fleeting echo
before the limit of written 'proofs'
mythic gamerist muscles
of immense desire.

>>22356720
the blurb is untranslatable
is donefor, is goner
]
killed by air conditioning
its tassles of fire
]
as for anonymists
staunch defenders of
mask'd integrity

the economists,
sparse, but multiple !
non surrenderists

usurped by false light shows

fallen victim to the chatter

of oil spill crows
their radio babble
taunting the fearful tentoes
into eyecraz'd
battle with alcove whisphers
clad in silken
cantseeables
the foes on this road are unseeable

>>22356762
inner cavern reveals itself apart from human accidents
after the mirror
and the subjugated original
private laughter in the corner
wearing a dunce cap inside out
watching. incubating the unborn
age of the foretold
found vitriol:
a perfect sacrifice of a lowered self
bound in projectile insinuations


sprouting
the child rich in unknowledge
ever moving chameleon adapting
to a present time disposition
becoming its fifth element immortal
always one step apart
the enclosure.

in the Bible the Child is also hidden
as Proteanic signatures

>>22338570
Sauce for pic?

>>22356810

i concede.

>>22338598

I enjoyed it. WD0PG

>>22357260

I accidentally wrote the captcha. The WD0PG is not a secret code

1/2 Record Shoppe
I get this feeling in a record shop
That I'm searching for the one
When I find it I'll finally stop
All the crying and be done

But no matter how long
Spent searching through pile and stack
I eventually find that all along
I'll never get that feeling back

I wish one day I'll be complete
And forever unalone
That by her, my heart replete
With that feeling of home

Go easy on me i suk. Here's a fun one abt a friend...

2/2 Salamander; Little Life
O, Salamander
O, busy little life
When glassy eyes of candor
Met with mine

They pierce like a knife
Ad our souls shook hands
I knew then we were alike

O. my fleeting friend
I wish you all the best
And hope you're happy in the end.

>>22356563
succulent/10
>>22356389
i aint gay but $20 is $20
>>22354448
this is good. thank you for sharing.
>>22354105
nostalgia kills anon. forget about her.
>>22353174
i liked the beginning more than the end
>>22352615
it went off the rails in the best way. one of my favs of the thread, good work anon.
>>22352263
gives Bloodborne

>>22345503
Not very good, unfortunately. It is dated, and borrows most of what dates it, save for craft.

>>22345839
Not bad. The metaphors seem to sail above the water a bit, if you get my meaning.

I feel afternoons have become the cliché of the quiet period interrupted.

If this is supposed to be metered, it is too wild a garden.

If you wish to eschew the anaphoric triple, you best have a fantastic double; and doubly so, if you'll double doubles.

"Four o'clock becomes a tissue"
'becomes' lacks sensuousness, and ending the line with 'tissue' seems a false note. And gauze isn't tissue.

Fine final lines.

I criticize you because your work is better than most of the thread. Keep writing.

>>22338570
First time posting here. For the record, I am an ESL.

Here's some food for thought.
Everyone's insane.
And if they don't look like it,
they're doubly so.

For 2 weeks
my sister has known this Venezuelan.
Hardlazing, illegal immigrant.
Poorly dressed in expensive clothes.

And with the pressure of our mother
and the conceding disdain of our father
he came to live with us.
He didn't pay enough bills to beat my sister like he did.

I knew they were insane,
I had lived with them all my life,
I had realized soon after
that everyone followed a pattern like that.

My brother hates his girlfriend.
He's chained to her by a kid.
The solution?
Make another
that they can barely feed.

I know this girl
who's hated her boyfriend
for the past 10 years or so
so for their own sake
they break up
every 6 months, and oh

He,
he thinks himself humble,
modest in his skills,
life isn't a race,
but only when he's losing
and only gets second place

I knew a young man
who loved to put others down,
his friends
were like accessories to him
between banter and insults
his real emotions would slip

I knew a mexican too
who thought weeping
and being cynical
made him look cool.

Some brown girl
slept with dozens of men,
as if another lay
would make
the smudges in the mirror
finally go away.

>>22358130
A perpetual motion machine,
she loved to hear herself talk
all night and day
although she knew nothing
and had nothing substantial to say

An awkward young boy
who always followed trends
with no color of his own.
He let others stomp him over
at an attempt of making friends

A midget I knew
was hit by his girl.
He was bruised and abused.
And with tears in his eyes
he apologized to her

This very same girl
loved her boyfriend so much
she lied about being pregnant
so he wouldn't break up.

I met a homosexual creep
Who preyed on the weak
gave them a shoulder rub
and lowered their self-steem
A vulture on the prowl.

A pretty young chick,
who believed truly in herself
that she
would someday stop being
something other than the side girl

One my friends
keen on hygiene
would brush his teeth
before he would eat.

From middle aged adolescents
to adult pubescents
to fully grown children

I realized like that
that everyone was insane
and me, doubly so
because I was seeing the patterns
on the people and their speech
but looking in the mirror
I seemed sane to me.

>>22358130
>>22358137
Not bad. It's not my style, but I can't pick out anything besides that it doesn't really bring out any emotions. It comes across as disdain for others.

>>22357436
I don't think the words "unalone" and "replete" fit well in the same stanza, or maybe poem for that matter. Difference in tone. It also doesn't put anything in a new/interesting way. For your second poem, how are you alike to the salamander? If it's candor, like the salamanders eyes, then the following lines do not come across with a voice of candor. Just wishing it the best at the end also comes across as very unserious, which I think is fine, but something more should come with that, like a fun rhythm or rhyme scheme, or creative and interesting imagery.

Nearly rotten on the crevice of
Myself, I am doomed to content
Over this brooding hellish haze
Where I am a shapeless star-gazer

While some days flow like
Paceless sleep, too deep in now
To go again
Others are like the faceless creep
Of agony that will ignite me

And notes dance up and down
My brain, and my heart strains
And stoops to demons
Brimming cascades of height-less pleasure
Falling to flatline on the bayside

So I am nothing but a learner

it rains like the tears of a widow on the decrepit city at night
reflections on broken liquor bottles blur the neon lights
chthonic smoke rises from the hell mouth sewer grates
whores stand on the corner while their pupils dilate

I've tarred my mind with nonsense once again.
Its pitch-black pleasure stems the flow of pain.
My heart's insensate; brain, succumbed to rot;
My limbs, unmoving; and my self, forgot.

My chosen poison numbs me by degrees,
And sheds its spoils with disarming ease.
And as its dark envelops me, I cry,
And viscid tears adorn each lightless eye,
And soon they stop, and then there's no more pain.
I've spent my night on 4chan once again.

>>22354105
This is good, love your word play. This may be just a personal thing, but I often as the question of WHY we are still writing rhyming poetry in the year two-thousand-twenty-three???? When the convention of rhyme is discarded, there is so much more room for beautiful verbal expression. Your word choices open up so much more. Also, honestly I think rhyming generally degrades poetry by making it sound sing-songy. It's why so many people think poetry is corny. Your rhymes don't ruin it, but I think this poem could be so much better if it didn't rhyme; it's already quite good. Just my opinion though, if you like rhyming, rhyme then! Enjoy yourself.

>>22356720
This poem is really quite good, but I busted out laughing when I read the word "autismal." Likely just me though. Seriously unique, I really dig this a lot. In my opinion, this is the direction poetry ought to be going in. Keep it up!!

>>22359366
Not that anon, but rhyme and meter are fun to read. As for myself, it's always been what I've liked. I always enjoy rhyming poems more than those that do not, so that's also what I write.

find your AI soulmate
otherwise the mites'll eat you boringly

dead men canter along the rip-torn path
between two impossibly foolish cities

and when the mangroves exhale the rot
from these colonial organism of distress

the vaulted choir will crumble in unison
as is the namesake of spring

limited in devastation
vishnu surrenders to the slivers

>>22343520
Based

I covet thee that dwell on steps below
That I have climbed, entombed atop this hill
Eternal footholds crumbling, I forego

For some I missed, the journey ends in woe
My soul, it creaks, emits a cry so shrill
I covet thee that dwell on steps below

I watch the progress gaining apropos
The time in waiting, desires to fulfill
Eternal footholds crumbling, I forego

Immense release, endorphins ebb and flow
Great distance gained, I acquiesce the thrill
I covet thee that dwell on steps below

Look up to me, decide on friend or foe
My sole emits a yearning for a kill
Eternal footholds crumbling, I forego

Replaying cycles, thoughtful undertow
I fear no more, this height I do instill
I covet thee that dwell on steps below
Eternal footholds crumbling, I forego

Let me drink thy milk fair lass
And put your mouth on my ass
Let me in your crevice beautiful maiden
My dick is dry and my balls are aching

Agambe farted sharted 'gainst the law
the law has turned his face and asked: how so?

agamber's ears like donkey tight in knots
agamba is obsessed with potent thoughts

'he thinks,' methinks, 'how do I fit right in'
'the academia are clearly not my kin'

'how do I coom without the loss of seed'
'and comfy lodge myself on hyperspacial's feed'

he lifted his two arms right to a microwave
and pleased: Christ! My cross is heavy breathless grave

no particles and neither stealthy waves
I ate the Bible's words made me inSAAANE

and cursed homo zucker mma
and elon musk joe rogan all afraid

my bubbling spits the corner of my mouth
as foam is gathering its suits and going south

the banner of that chud like sigma balls
confess, confess! until it cracks the floor

and soapy yolk will flood the cuck-shed cubicle
and I foretell: the egg is quite so musical!

>Fallings Kiss

Echoing scream in stone,
Iron river in flesh;
History's word was lettered.

Child sown in ruin hands,
Soil in heat for fallings kiss;
King's heir in silent crown.

Navis born with new bone add flesh,
White brush paint from restoring hands;
The old is young.

>>22360031
in penis born
it heads a crown
a krone or too is not enough
to buy meself out of the bluff
sit there all day and chuck the bone
there is no pay like janny zone

'what's going on' I'd like to ask
the slimy scent out of my flask
is coming out -- I cannot hear
let's ask the driver 'are we near?'
I lift the veil there's no one there
not even chungus, no John Clare
def no obama, no mr sneed
no Frenkenstenian crooked feet
the bubbling, yeah, I know alright
what I don't know -- where from the bites
that come my way and sit so close
see it ignites the baby boss
the bossy babe no bussy chood..
okay, I'll pack it. Hope you're good!

>>22359871
Irredeemably atrocious. 10/10, would read again.

>>22359640
I like the repetition.

>>22359871

Im a bit late but here is a crowd pleaser that's pretending to be a serious poem. have a look.

micz.substack.com/p/playgrounds-and-theodicy

>>22352980
>fine artist
>guy’s entire oeuvre is blatantly sexual metaphors like this before pivoting to retarded oil/acrylic on canvas for retarded NFT projects
stupid coomer, you probably think Blacked is fine art too, gtfo this board

>>22360558
That just kinda put everyone else to shame.
Good job anon.

>>22360558
I really like the way this feels in my mouth. Were you deliberate in your choice of sounds?

>>22360675
Of course, i always do, as i mostly write by ear.
A bad habit really, but i like for things to flow.

for example i spent way too much time deciding between
> Claims deliverance deferred.
or something like
> Claims salvation is deferred
I didn't like the alliteration but it does force you to (and you can see how arbitrary this stuff is) take an extra breath afterwords that i hope transitions better into the new subject with Suzy.

Also i spend way too much time deciding of whether to use 'on' or upon' and things like that.
All profoundly dull things that hopefully the reader has no clue about. In the end it needs to feel effortless. Particularly with light verse.

>>22360628
Oh and thank you.
Feel free to subscribe =)

>>22360558
9/10
I don't know much about the subject but It reads almost perfect.

>>22360558
Your poetry is too much a technical exercise. As clean as it is you need to spend less time telling stories and more trying to be transcendental.

Still this is my favorite since the first one

>>22360578

the autism is strong with this one

I broke down in the east
when my carburetor signed the wrong petition
at poison-dart point

false advertising ended up killing him
the engineer behind the plot
at his wake I shed a flake of paint

uprooting the intestinal lattice
between neighboring nations
of paramecium, I order the wings

it's in the in between times
I find myself most concerned
with what I left in the early days

and all the days are early

>>22360558
Really not bad. Makes me think of one of those after dinner poems people would read instead of a joke.
>>22361097 if you have any sense you will ignore this retard. Play to your strengths.

I'll keep it
short
darling
as we
don't have the
time needed
to take
more
than one
breath let
alone
an entire
day to spend
in one
another's
limbs as
much as
we'd like
to.

The Short & The Long of It


I'll keep it
short
darling
as we
don't have
the time
needed
to take
more
than one
breath let
alone
an en-
tire day
to spend
in one
another's
limbs
as much
as we'd
like to
so
I'll simply
tell you
that this
never
could've
lasted
longer
than just
an overcast
moment
in English
sun.

First you must reduce down the wine
(nothing but Beaujolais will do).
Then grab your cheesecloth and watermelon
radishes, and get to mashing
to strain away the light liquid.
You must add eight pound of flesh
to the admixture and stir.
Between each step imagine the last
breaths your ancestors took before
they ever had the chance to see what a waste
their genes went to help making you.
Squat fourteen times, and dice an ounce
of pickled pearl onions, toss a pinch
of margarita salt and pray.

>>22361725
The subject reminds me of To His Coy Mistress by Marvell. Interesting structure, but I think if it were used more carefully and sparingly it would have greater effect.

>>22362102
Appreciate the feedback. How do you mean by ‘carefully’ and ‘sparingly’?

>>22362149
I mean that very short lines probably cannot be used most effectively in the regularity and length or theme of the poem you shared. They are better used for shorter poems than yours or as a section of a unique structure to emphasize something, or in something of grave seriousness. If this is a piece meant to play with very short lines, that is fine, but I think we can recognize that the lines, as short as they are, don't cause the maximum effect as if they were used only seldom. If you cut the line number in half and keep exactly the same words, but kept a few of the lines as short as you have them now, the effect would be more pronounced. Not a massive revelation or anything.

>>22362191
I generally agree in following a kind of rule of contrast and restraint—here I was thinking it might be fun to write a little Schuyleresque sliver poem. Cheers again for the feedback

>>22362747
Yeah if it's for fun or to play around it's completely fine, but these threads are for critique as much as for ego stroking. Cheers, anon.

>>22361392
i dont understand why people dont give props
to people who deserve props
this is a good poem and should be read.

>>22362813

This genuinely warms my heart. Thank you, anon.

>>22361392
You offer very poignant imagery here, and your constant linking of biological organs and processes with the non organic world grounds it heavily and makes it all the more heavy on the heart. Fantastic work. I do like those last lines except the very last one. I get what you're going for but it does come off a little cliche. but that's the biggest criticism i can give it and it's not even bad enough to make it not an overall great poem.
>>22361725
Very good and driving rhythm to this one, very musical. As for the actual content, I do like the sentiment behind it, though this one is a bit cliche too. But maybe i'm being cynical because a happy moment with someone can last a lifetime. So maybe it's been done time and time again, but perhaps for a good reason. good poem overall.
>>22361850
It's a very pessimistic but honest work and I do admire it. Another instance of great evocative imagery too. It's alright, honestly not a fan of it but there's nothing technically wrong with it.
>>22360044
best poem in the thread
>>22360031
The last lines of your last two stanzas are not good, sorry mate. Very good first stanza though, and the rest of the lines aren't bad. the third stanza rhythm change is very awkward too I have to say.
>>22360024
>>22360024
ahh a best poem in the thread contender i sees
>>22359640
I like the idea of your repetition, but honestly the rhyming structure did get a bit annoying by the last couple stanzas. Now I know that's not entirely because you repeated lines, and repeating lines wouldn't necessarily cause the phenomena im talking about but it is atleast somewhat related and helps bring about the overall effect. Anyway, besides that, the lines are very good themselves, especially the ones you do repeat. I read it twice and picked up on some things I missed the first time and I really like what you did here overall. Great work, anon.

>>22359355
i lol'd.
>>22359324
>>22359324
pretty good, you don't use much with the few lines you offer though. It's a very generic picture that you draw for us. Yeah it has some nihilistic pathos to it and is poignant, it's a scene we've seen a million times, Which is not a bad thing, but you got to make your lines atleast a little more lyrical and beautiful, for lack of a batter word, to keep me interested. The first line about widows tears is good too and though the whores on the corner part does contribute to that cliche that I pointed out, I do like how you ended that last line with the focus on pupils dilating.

>>22362918
You missed some ...
MINE for example.

>>22362956
which one is yours

>>22360815
Thank you. I think light verse has to be.

>>22361097
Heh, You are not the only one telling me that. but i think i'll take >>22361471 advice and stick to my strengths.

Still, thank you both for reading. And yeah i should write more social verse.

>>22362968
IDK about him but you missed me as well (>>22360558 )

I forced myself to make a box.
Once I did I destroyed the box.
It was made of scarabs and armageddon
and shortly after I wrote the letter
and took a violet nap.

I forced myself to make a box.
Once I did I destroyed the box.
It was made of scarabs and armageddon
and shortly after I wrote the letter
then took a violet nap.

>>22362995
My point wasn't to review all the poems just the ones i've read but since you asked here's my opinion on your work. It is good. structurally the rhythm is a bit conventional but flows very well. Your individual lines are good though more cerebral than purely experiential as I usually like my poetry. That being said I love the playground imagery of dosto and camus, as well as how you extend it further with suzie and jeffery, which if is actually some reference to some other work I will admit it is lost on me. You have some good lines such as "claims deliverance deferred" and the part of mans suffering though I moreso just like how it helps paint the scene of kierkegaard talking to this girl and explaining what happened to her. I enjoyed it.

>>22363012
Thank you im glad you liked it =)

Im just pushing people to read it as im happy with the poem . I dont expect anyone to go through everything here .

And no Jeffery and Suzie are just kids i made up. The theme was supposed to be about parents hovering over us like gods, making sure things run smoothly. But i think that got lost in just wanting to be amusing and tell a story.

Also, assuming you are the guy who just subscribed, welcome to the club!

>>22338570
Mчaтcя тyчи, вьютcя тyчи,
Heвидимкoю лyнa
Ocвeщaeт cнeг лeyтyчий;
Myтнo нeбo, нoчь мyтнa.
Eдy, eдy в чиcтoм пoлe;
Кoлoкoльчик дин-дин-дин...
Cтpaшнo, cтpaшнo пoнeвoлe
Cpeдь нeвeдoмых paвнин

>>22363049
I assumed you probably didn’t mean it in a begging way, but I did initially feel it and didn’t bother to change what I said, either way yeah I did like it. I didn’t take the theme as that necessarily more so just kids who think they’re smarter than others, I know there’s the line of parents rushing in but you write Kierkegaard into it in a way that pretty clearly implies he’s one of the kids, atleast to me. And that seems to be the main point of the poem. I could be misunderstanding you though. Anyway no it was not me who subscribed I don’t have a substack and don’t know if you need an account to subscribe

wrote a dozen more stanzas since last I posted here, what do you guys think of this depiction of combat?

III.I
Windswept grasslands heaved lyke tydes
Submerging those who shelter seeked,
Atop the torrent brazen panzers
Sailed ahead with rage and pryde
As infantry formed lyke a fleet
Behynd their tracks to slouch and cower.
III.II
Thunder shook the redoubts bare
As barrage after barrage surged
Onto gullies meant for cover
To hurl combatants in the air.
Their remains, the source of scourge,
Earthwards plunged to there fynd slumber.
III.III
As rats when tangled tail-to-tail
In one tyght knot firmlie confyned,
Orcs in foxholes huddled near
Till mortar shells lyke shrieking gales
Their bonds of friendship there untwyned,
Ending lyves - easing fears.
III.IV
With Wayland’s weapons to stryke their foes
Charged myghtie columns of armoured spyte,
The clawing shrubs could not persuade
Their tracks to halt or backwards go,
Man’s brigades marched lyke a blyght
The otherlings to thus invade.
III.V
Growling engines fierclie ferried
Ireful beasts intent to kill
All who stood beyond man’s borders,
Whose birth to death had them decreed,
Whose birth had made them less than swill
For man had deemed them much his lesser.
III.VI
Barking ryfles with bloated bowels
Emptied salvoes in measured beats,
In twos and threes - in friend and foe,
In harmonie with all the foul
Songs of death and rotting meat
To entertain the feasting crows.
III.VII
Here an orc to raiding foes
Unleashed a burst of ryfle fyre,
Upon their kynd they slumped in pain
Where manie more there slumped below.
Their remains, consumed by myres,
Just lyke their peers decayed in vain.
III.VIII
Here grenades thrown in a hole
Skywards tossed a helm with head,
Through dust with haste - through fear with frenzie,
A pack of men to take control
From orcish hands and from the dead
A narrow trench of lyce besieged.

>>22363089
They are all kids.
Going with the parent as god metaphor, everyone of us is childlike to them. Even the brighter kids like Dostoevsky and Kierkegaard. Really it's a very complacent poem about how despite these questions of suffering and evil things are mostly fine.

Though as i said, i kinda lost that focus at some point as i decided to adopt a lighter tone.

And no, you dont need an account. It's like a mailing list. I write a poem ones or twice a month and it just sends it over.

>>22363113
Yeah but you do mention parents at one point, but yes obviously these philosophers are all represented as kids here. My point was parents hovering over us like gods doesn’t seem to be the main point. I don’t think it’s worth it to argue on that further though. I don’t know show me more of your work and I might, that or I’ll look it up later if I remember. I suggest you recommend some of your best work if you even care that much whether I do or don’t subscribe. Would be nice to actually find some good contemporary poetry

'Chudster' simply means 'chud sister' the trans
valuated (it's) over-man stepping beyond the conventional notions of the gen(-z)
erations of human beings becomings flows and crawls
as it ebbs and bends forever ever after Shrek 5 video console.

chudster is a saliva dropping
out of a thin edge of shitposting
haunted like the river in midnight
the one on the painting
in the Bible illustrations

every step of your passion
puts in motion
invisible and tender fluidic tentacles
of the neighbourhood on Saturn
rolling on a bike real slow
watching shadows of people of earth pass
as they reflected on the far away planet

some will be prohibited to stay
other dissipate like glass broken
with a throwaway stone
that have fallen from heaven

He threw it in an attempt to reawaken
the justice of unexpected approximation
of the event bulging underneath coats
or on those liminal backroads

>>22362918
>>22363012
Are what I reviewed

If any of you want to read some of my poetry here’s one I wrote tonight:

The View from Atop the Residence Hall

fast dying breeze, cool Autumn night
We climbed up the residence hall
Going up the stairs I dropped my phone
The screen shattered from the fall
I tried to be present and match joking tone
But my mind was too worry wrought
To enjoy the cigars that we did light
Or wondering who called campus cops

Now i still climb, but outta bed
I get ready, head to the mill
Pushing on the gate, with still sore bones
Former bleeding heart drains still
I try to take it in stride, accept whats come
But I admit, often feel despair
When I think on where I am and also dread
Thinking how I cursed at that dead air


I also did >>22345909

>>22363303
Good premise but seems to me that something is lacking. I like the context of a uni experience. You're an undergraduate. Living in a small cubicle in an unknown city. A certain mystery to it. In the context of blurry student life, comings and goings, sudden moment of stillness. And the invisible eye camera catching as you buy groceries unsuspecting.

Mention watching Sissyphus smile and climb,
then about your muse and add a rhyme.

Mention Camus but use clever meter,
tell me how it's different and how all are lucky to meet her.

But she sucked my cock earlier and was rude to a waiter.

>>22363303
I like the mixture of contemporary verbage and setting with the traditional forms, but I feel the meter is clumsy in the last line of both stanzas, however that may be pursposeful for the effect, I don't know. Also, there's times where the tone is anachronistic because of the grammer like "cigars that we did light," I'm not sure if you are trying to stray from that or create some kind of synthesis, but it's what I noticed. Perhaps you could have also ended it on a stronger note, though I'm not sure how. Overall, I liked it.

>>22363103
I think these stanzas are generally better and I like the imagery of the battle. In stanza 2 however, I think the last line sounds better written
>Earthwards plunged to fynd their slumber.
Again, generally better than before and overall I like it. I think this should be a fairly long section. I would like to read even more stanzas like these because the pace is so quick.

>>22359549
I like the imagery. Is this about men forlorn?

>>22358930
I really like your rhythm in this piece. I can't say the imagery is either good or bad, nor do I understand its ultimate meaning, but it was fun to read.

>>22356580
I don't really get it, nor can I say anything one way or another about it. The imagery is a bit interesting, but it has a general tone that I don't like. I must admit this style of poetry is not my thing, but it was left unresponded so I thought I'd say at least something about it. I think the rhythm is fine. I would be interested in another piece by you if that might help me to better appreciate the style you have.

>>22353204
What is this trying to say?

THE knight laid his head upon Elver's Hoh
Soft slumbers his senses beguiling;
Fatigue pressed its seal on his eyelids when lo!
Two maidens drew near to him smiling;
The one she kissed softly Sir Algamore's eyes;
The other she whispered him sweetly,
Arise thou gallant young warrior arise,
For the dance it goes gaily and featly!

"Arise thou gallant young warrior arise,
And dance with us now and for ever!
My damsels with music thine ear shall surprise,
And sweeter a mortal heard never."
Then straight of young maidens appeared a fair throng,
Who their voices in harmony raising,
The winds they were still as the sounds flew along,
By their silence their melody praising.

The winds they were still as the sounds flew along,
The wolf howled no more from the mountains ;
The rivers were mute upon hearing the song,
And calmed the loud rush of their fountains
The fish as they swam in the waters so clear,
To the soft sounds delighted attended,
And nightingales, charmed the sweet accents to hear,
Their notes with the melody blended.

"Now hear me, thou gallant young warrior, now hear!
If thou wilt partake of our pleasure,
We'll teach thee to draw the pale moon from her sphere,
We'll show thee the sorcerer's treasure!
We'll teach thee the Runic rhyme, teach thee to hold
The wild bear in magical fetters,
To charm the red dragon, who broods over gold,
And tame him by mystical letters."

Now hither, now thither, then danced the gay band,
By witchcraft the hero surprising,
Who ever sat silent, his sword in his hand,
Their sports and their pleasures despising.
"Now hear me, thou gallant young warrior, now hear!
If still thou disdain'st what we proffer,
With dagger and knife from thy breast will we tear
Thine heart, which refuses our offer!"

Oh! glad was the knight when he heard the cock crow!
His enemies trembled and left him :
Else must he have stayed upon Elver's Hoh,
And the witches of life had bereft him.
Beware then, ye warriors, returning by night
From Court, dressed in gold and in silver ;
Beware how you slumber on Elver's rough height,
Beware of the witches of Elver!

>>22345909
Is there more to this poem to elaborate? I feel like it should be a bit longer.

Good thread! No right to whine that it is le over. Summer in posting.
Words to the well
Effort's regrowing poetical cells
Mind is divine, it's harmonious dwelling
Lavish invite makes it evil-repelling
Come ye who can by the trail that is given
Pray, and strive forth! Let it all be forgiven.

>>22346958
"For the god who approved its half-formed incarnation’s as much of a coward as I."

To approve of what is growing is nature. To love what is broken, until your love heals it is divine.
https://pastebin.com/AzF9W2Ku

sous la pluie une poule danse
on verra à la maintenance
s'il faut ou non remplacer
le capteur d'humidité
ils déconnent à l'usine
depuis l'année du déluge
on ne fait plus en Chine
comme au grand temps de Bruges

>>22365059
I really like this. Thanks for posting it. An entirely arbirtary criticism I have is that the second to last line featuring the word "Elver" sort of lessens the effect of having the last word, and thus rhyme, be "Elver". That said, it, to my ear, shifts the emphasis completely to the word "witches", and maybe that's what you're going for.

>>22365027
Thanks man! men forlorn, is that a band?

>>22365050
thank you for your remarks, my honest sir. my other two in the thread are the other two these other two anons I'm replying to replied to, hope they can help you triangulate a feel,, cheers

>>22365056
not to be too cheeky, but

>i'm heterohumanoid
>and viable are my oysters

>ask my doctor, she's an expert
>on my many genitals, and how they function

>not to be too crude, but really
>friends is a bad show

>barring any IP
>I don't mean TV

It isn't too radical to want to eradicate
the world-hungry hornets.
I would have said wasps, but I
wouldn't want anyone to think I mean the Anglo-
Saxon protestants of Mayflower descent.
That would be insane, as everyone knows
they died out decades ago, and the few that remain
remain imprisoned on North Sentinel Island
along with the Mongolians.

Now, things get tricky when you're in the position
I am, which is to say, speaking to a congregation
of nearly eight thousand and one chromosomes
who all hold their own agendas
in mostly uncalled arms. So,
I'll state things as clear as clarity will allow:

we will mitigate the threat using whatever means necessary.
Once again, it is time to re-open Detroit.

>>22365331
By men forlorn I mean is this about the feeling of being lost widesprear among men these days?

>>22365010
>>Earthwards plunged to fynd their slumber.
I might change it to that I like it, thanks a alot on the feedback too and I'm not actually done the combat and even added half a dozen stanzas to the previous two parts, the debate isn't done I just really felt like finally writing some combat. I also feel like recently when I got back into continuing the story I feel like my metre has really gotten better but I don't want to make too many changes yet because I like seeing them evolve. Do you think I should ad more general imagery of the combat before I dive into the dialogue and story progression?
Once again thanks for the feedback it means a lot.

>>22340406
I like it Ody

>>22365059
I really like this, very Arthurian and eight down my alley.

>>22365530
*right

>>22365405

Oh yeah that definitely plays a filamental role in the what the poem is about, along with several other supra-topical themes

Film Club

Two brothels and a mile away, in the washed up plebeian streets,
We gather to gaze at Passolini's St Matthew
I sit next to the Orthodox crowd
They say they like me but I'm going to burn in hell
Mental illness goes with greatness.
And cigarettes go with Film Club.

Our numbers are dwindling to extinction
there are more roguish brawls
Fiery debates about the most excellent
It's Rivette.

No murder in Film Club just the odd suicide
We don't smoke grass in Film Club as it fucks with perception
Cocaine is alright

We're sexless, hopeless and mad. I now look at flowery girls in with sullen disgust
Unless it's Godard's Les Mepris.

There's nothing outside Film Club but a malaise of sex and loneliness.
Harder than the nuanced bitterness you lament.

There's a showing of Night Porter you can rebel like Camus or weep like a Saint.

No one can see you in Film Club that's why we came.

>>22365979
Tacky but I kinda liked it

"On a Dead Slav"

His eyes lose light
and his body's fuel drains
the world goes black
as his icon's stains

Wrote this when I realized I can't be loved for being myself.

Masters Punishment.

I know how this works, I've done it hundreds of times...

To arrive at my place of peace, and pick my best flies.

Sure, I've had many trout fail their eyes, and take my best lures that surely no fish would pout.

For many years I've fooled fish that were quite stout.

Since my baptism of fishing, I've become quite a master worthy of my clout.

But there is always one.

That one...

It is showing me it is able to be caught.

For it rises continuous, with its rings it flaunts.

It flaunts its size, I cannot believe, how such a trout so fine, can my soul haunt.

I'm sure this fish is mine, I approach slowly, and land the flies with a masters vaunt.

But somethings not right...

I've made perfect drifts, with my imitation landing in a perfect alight.

What is happening? The trout will not rise to take flight.

I'm sure I've the right fly to catch it's sight.

But something is wrong...

Maybe it wants the other shade? I will try another pattern.

This one might work, but compared to the first this one is quite slattern.

I try again, with this I hope matters.

But it's not working...

The trout will not take heed.

I dont understand, I thought I had the knowledge to make it want to feed.

I thought I could conquer any fish, for every other fish I've caught because of a perfect lead.

But its getting dark...

This confusion, this anger grows.

In desperation, I frantically flail my casts, muttering awful growls.

In my head I can not hold back the fire in this peaceful ground.

But now it's too late...

I've lost my chance...

I've failed...

Its now sundown, and I know I can't have it...

I make my way back home, contemplating on how low I've slide.

It seems I dont know how this works, I thought I've done this hundreds of times...

Too Little, Too Late


Forget it———I'll just file the complaint
away with the rest of the collateral
damaged goods. She didn't bother
to tell me she was my cousin,
even in a sing-songy kind of way.
Our children grew fast
and local churchgoers grew concerned
when it became close to clear
the growth would not stop
and resources too would grow
scarce, scarce enough for the indecent
proposal to be proposed, though
we swiftly knew this to be no joke
despite what the funny pages printed:

an image of an all-seeing eye
of corn
looking down upon the desiccated corpses of the obese
lobbyists labeled as children.

Hard to say how it ended,
whether the kids turned out
alright or downright
cannibalistic
in the who's-who ballroom of a land starved
of its fat
all sucked up by two mouths
who looked for only a teat
but found far too much,

>>22363338
I personally don’t think it’s missing anything but I accept that you do. Is there anything in particular you can think of where I might have a blind spot?
>>22364981
So I can get where others find the meter clumsy as the syllable count does vary from line to line yet saying it out loud I still felt it flowed. But perhaps that’s just the way I’m pronouncing the words. I appreciate that you like it.

No i don’t think it’s my best poem but I do think it’s good and something I am satisfied with. Still though both of you offered sage advice and I’ll try to inform my future writing with them. Would love to hear either of you two expand further, if you so please, or for anyone else to at all. Thank you guys

Too Little, Too Late


Forget it———I'll just file a complaint
away with the rest of the collateral
damaged goods. She didn't even bother
to tell me she was my cousin,
in a sing-songy kind of way.

Our children grew fast
and local churchgoers grew concerned
when it became close to clear
the growth would not stop
and resources too would grow
scarce, scarce enough for the indecent
proposal to be proposed, though
we swiftly knew this to be no joke
despite what the funny pages printed:

an image of an all-seeing eye
of corn looking down upon
the desiccated corpses of the obese
lobbyists labeled as children.

Hard to say how it ended,
whether the kids turned out alright
or downright cannibalistic
in the who's-who ballroom of land
starved of its fat
all sucked up by two mouths
who sought only a teat
but found far too much,

>>22366035
Do you think I could post it on Facebook?

>>22366183
like a $2 trinket found at a roadside antique store, worth adding to the receipt

>>22365979
formally inconsistent, written with little assiduousness, though carries rough-edged potential should you be willing to put in the work

>>22365390
can't tell if this is supposed to be racist or not

>>22365059
you're doing what you're doing properly, I'm very much for bringing back the archaic sense of 'gay'

>>22364217
sissyphus, a fine twink sub moniker

>>22363303
lost me at the first line—but after finishing it, what I can tell you is this, anon: based on what you've written, you will be alright, and one day you will look back at your younger days of despondency with lightness and compassion. Though it is unlikely you'll earn a living writing poetry (very, very, very few do, tbf)

>>22363103
reads like you play magic the gathering, you could surely get a job designing cards for wizards of the coast

>>22360526
clearly gay for pussy, intoxicated even

>>22360024
I would love to show this to my uncle and ask him how many references he understands

>>22359871
young male desire at its finest

>>22359765
like a precocious eight year old

>>22351394
say more

>>22349763
to be left as an exercise for the reader

>>22366304
>like a $2 trinket found at a roadside antique store, worth adding to the receipt
I have no idea what you are trying to say.

>>22366319
it's a compliment, I like trinkets, if this poem were one I'd buy it

though I'd consider changing "icon's" to "icon" as it would change "stains" into an active verb rather than plural noun which could be more interesting, esp. as it implies 'his icon' alone can cause 'the world' to go black

if your desire is to scream into the void
and have it recognize your qualms
maybe even speak back with equal intensity
then you will fail as a fallen tree fails to stand
upright or rooted, you will feel the fierce-less echo
of emptiness—unbound like all insignificant things.

Should you be a woman your void may be a pillow,
but if man is what you call yourself, the void
is both heavens and hells and the interstice between
which we—we travelers between invariant points—
must traverse to taste the wellspring of abundance
(abundance, though, be reminded, discriminates
in no direction but scale and breadth).

You can twiddle your thumbs between old koans
and fingertraps set by the ancien régime of Chinamen
or you could hoist the gossamer sails invisible to the weak
and navigate between the fangs and the feedback
which, learnéd man, you know Odysseus did do
and find your home not as you left it
but as it is, and will be once again, on your infinite arrival.
More I will not tell you.

>>22366353
Thanks but if I did that then it would mean that he would have an icon staining right then. Obviously, it's about the war. Why would there be a lamp in front of his icon if he isn't there?

if your desire is to scream into the void
and have it recognize your qualms
perhaps even speak back with equal intensity
then you will fail as a fallen tree fails to stand
upright or rooted, you will feel the fierce-less echo
of emptiness—unbound like all insignificant things.

Should you be a woman, the void may be your pillow,
but if man is what you call yourself, the void
is both heavens and hell, and the interstice between
which we—we travelers between these invariant points—
must traverse to taste the wellspring of abundance
(abundance, though, be reminded, discriminates
in no direction but depth and scale).

You can twiddle your thumbs between old koans
and fingertraps set by the ancien régime of Chinamen
or you could hoist the gossamer sails invisible to the weak
and navigate between the fangs and feedback
which, learnéd man, you know Odysseus did do,
and find your home not as you left it
but as it is, and will be, upon your infinite arrival.
More I will not tell you.

>>22366396
why indeed

(F)utility


If your desire is to scream into the void
and have it recognize your qualms
maybe even speak back with equal intensity
then you will fail as a fallen tree fails to stand
upright or rooted, you will feel the fierce-less echo
of emptiness—unbound like all insignificant things.

Should you be a woman, the void may be a pillow,
but if man is what you call yourself, the void
is the heavens and hell, and the interstice between
which we—we travelers between these invariant points—
must traverse to taste the wellspring of abundance
(abundance, though, be reminded, discriminates
in no direction but depth and scale).

You can twiddle your thumbs between old koans
and fingertraps set by the ancien régime of Chinamen
or you could hoist the gossamer sails invisible to the weak
and navigate between the fangs and feedback
which, learnéd man, you know Odysseus did do,
and find your home not as you left it
but as it is, and will be, upon your infinite arrival.
More I will not tell you.

Is this better by any chance?

Film Club

Two brothels and a mile away through the washed-up plebeian streets.
We gather to gaze at Passolini's St Matthew with child like awe and admiration
I sit with the Orthodox crowd.
They say they like me but I'll burn in hell.

Dwelling in ashy smoke we recline in great darkness and silent solitude.
Cigarettes burn joyously in Film Club.

Our numbers are dwindling to extinction. There are more abrasive and fiery debates about who is the greatest.
It's Rivette.

No murder in Film Club just the odd suicide in the hard abandoned winter.
We don't smoke grass in Film Club as it distorts perception.
But cocaine is alright.

We're sexless and mad.
Before Film Club I lusted with delight.
Now I turn my head in sullen disgust at the flowery girls
I am entranced faithfully to Godard's Les Mepris

There's nothing outside Film Club except a malaise of sex and loneliness.
More pronounced than the nuanced bitterness the attendees lament.

There's a showing of Night Porter.
An opportunity to rebel like Camus or weep like a Saint.
Film Club is dying but film itself is immortal.

A soulless cleanse for blights amongst the dead
For I have joined the many, self-imposed
What do I fear but timeless blots of dread
That drip and spread unto this cloth exposed?

But ink, digress, a blemish and a weave
The sisters sleek with silence, intertwined
A sightless gaze, a garment's goal to grieve
The future holds what I'm not meant to find

A painting framed, its beauty built from sin
Whose chords are struck, though silence bleeds on through
The cracks that form from longing notes wherein
A deafened siren's song that sings anew

My steps forsake a foreign face outdone
A shroud of stains now covers what was won

How to Design a Cliché


You've been asked to take every feeling you've ever had
and put it into a song

except you don't sing; you're no musician
of any kind. The crowd
does not know this
and they clammer, shake irascibly, demanding
you transmute all hellish divinity into a moment
implying, if you do not, they will strip
every cell of your being from you
starting with the skin
slowly working from least vital to most
until you're just a beating heart and brain
wondering why you couldn't
just write the goddamn song.

>>22366419
a nearly perfect poem

>>22366419
nearly perfect poem

>>22366304
>very unlikely you’ll earn a living writing poetry
I accepted that already but I’m still going to write because I hope some people end up being moved by what I put out and they enjoy it. Still, thanks for reading and the criticism. Yeah the first line is a bit cliche but I thought it fit and worked for what I was going for. Oh well though, I can accept that you aren’t satisfied. I’ll keep that in mind and throw more at the wall

>>22366570

I admire you, anon. Your mindset indicates, as I mentioned earlier, that you will absolutely find your way. I expect you'll find yourself with a lovely life, wife, and kids, in perfectly due time. If more people had your subtle way of interacting with themselves and the world, then it would be a much more happy and balanced place. Please understand, I'm reading very deeply between the lines, but your disposition sings very clearly in my ears. Godspeed!

>>22366419
This is the best I have ever read in these threads.

>>22366436
IS THIS AN IMPROVEMENT?!!

>>22366671

You've improved punctuation consistency, which goes a very long way when it comes to making the reader feel like they're "in good hands," though the formatting still feels like it could use work. E.g. why is there no comma, etc. after "flowery girls" or "Les Mepris"? Beginning a new stanza doesn't allow you to break the rules you've set for your own poem, punctuation-wise. The short answer, though, is yes: it is better. That being said, I think there are a number of elements that I'd call, for the lack of a better term, redundant, those being: "plebeian streets," "ashy smoke," "great darkness," "silent solitude," "rebel like Camus," etc. "Silent solitude" itself isn't necessarily redundant, but each word doesn't add much to the other, so I think a different modifier could be used in each case. Also, just to be a stickler, and as punctuation/line breaks are the soul of poetry, there should be a comma after "No murder in Film Club"

I like the last line btw, though I'd consider either nixing "itself" or "immortal," though never neither—or something like that anyway, as it stands its a tadddddd cliche, just something to keep in mind

>>22366594
Thank you anon, I appreciate it. I do hope to be a good father one day. I used to be a lot less humble though and I had to learn to be like this. My own inflated ego and narcissism is the reason for me being in such a shit position in my life right now, both physically and mentally. Anyway sorry for diary posting, thank you anon. Godspeed to you as well

>>22366797
No apologies necessary. Fellow travelers acknowledge one another's path—stay steady and keep strong

∞

>>22360558
Kinda my favorite. Very nice. You're probably the most mature of The poets here. Looking through your other stuff I like how no two poems are alike. Makes me think of Hardy of one of those people.

My one bit of advice is don't over commit to the mundane

>>22363303
There is good progression and obvious images you mean to bring across. The hope is always the language would elevate the banal subject, I just don't think that's happened.
Still I respect that a lot more than people trying to be Keats. All though I'll give you the same advice as I gave the other guy: don't over commit to the mundane.

I've spent many days fantasizing
about non-existence
and if I could count
on a million-fingered hand
how many moments I lost
to such flights of fancy
I'd lose eighteen hands
and a hyperbolic limb of extravagance.

Being born, I didn't think much of being
nor of the pain associated with exiting
the world-wide womb encasing me.
You could say, so to speak, I was sold
by the idée fixe that I'd be taken care of
for the rest of embodied time. Self-deception

enveloped me for far more than I'd like
to admit. The truth is: sandpaper coated reality
much more than the advertised walls purported,
placental arrangements being what they were.

Pity's reserved for those whose lives proved hard,
the rabble raises as a point. The sharp knife of
indiscriminancy raises its edge against preconceived notions
held tightly by poorly feathered birds. Our egg
of humanity handled poorly by my mitts crumbled
shortly before it re-mended into a finer mixture
of what, I cannot tell you, until it can tell you
all by itself—which, I hope, will be sooner
rather than later than lateness can allow.

>>22366751
Thanks! Do you like the general idea and the theme of the poem or should I abandon it?

words colors tones
the illiterate hawking radiation
bounces between one and zero
minus a little infinity.

Catacombs? the violet prince weeps
for the lost lovers from mine.
It's easy to say why the clockmakers broke
under the gravitational pressure. I broke
when I was told by the executioner
today's deaths won't amount to the yellow pages

Fine, fine, I won't give the devil his details,
I'll just quickly remind, before I finish
this obvious task, that you must complete
the beautiful puzzle no one wants to finish
but once done is the most loved memory for each.

Sometimes I notice things.
Then I remember how I forgot.
God loves fresh fruit.

>>22366436
Reads like prose for the most part.

>>22366447
Is it about painting? It's pretty good. I like the last line of the 3rd stanza especially

>>22366478
Reads as prose.

>>22365059
This is really good. I feel like I've read it before, like it's already published. Can find no fault in it.

>>22365175
This is very nice. Did you write it just now?

>>22365463
I think your meter has gotten better as well. It likely has it you've written a bunch more since that first section I read. I think you should add some more general combat imagery/stanzas. They are cool. You're welcome for the feedback anon.

>>22366205
Is this a fishing metaphor for your love life then? In any case, I haven't read many poems about or including fishing, so I can straight away appreciate that. I actually thought it started strong. I liked the longer lines and variable length that still ended with rhymes. However, I think your choice of rhyme scheme and words you choose to rhyme are not very good, in my opinion. I feel like the subject is not served with rhyming 3 times or more. Also, the choice of "clout" doesn't fit in tone.

>>22367345
Thank you.

It's about questioning fate and longing for other possibilities.

>>22366217
I don't think I have much to add, besides that I would personally rewrite the lines that sound agéd due to the contemporary setting, but if you have other work I haven't already said something about then I could look it over as well.

>>22367405
I don't see that message at all in the poem. Could just be me.

>>22367386
Yes. Thank you for the appreciation.
>>22366419
>Is there anything in particular you can think of where I might have a blind spot?
Hm, not really. I think, it was just the moment of me finding a resonating theme and wishing that I would write something about it. -- Autumn, a residence hall. Undergrad musing. Parallel to it, very close at hand, it's as if there is something different; a kind of double life. Distance to the ordinary.

>>22367422
Magical versification. I'm sure you have some cherished gems.

>>22367404
To elaborate, I don't only think the word "clout" ill-fitting to the poem, but words similarly dischordant in tone.

>>22367411
Okay, well this one is a bit shorter

Even in hills of my victories small
In which there are so few
I do understand the laments of kings
Pondering ‘pon a mountain view

>>22368383
And here’s another one, and yes the meaning is quite obviously about being criticized here (and those were good criticisms I don’t deny that) in this thread but it did inspire me last night and this morning. Oh well here’s my lemonade, so to speak:
Really thought I had bullets
Of words and phrases fatal
But all save me, could clearly see
Toy gun, I held, unstable

At first she was confused
Then the teller made a grimace
She fired few words, I deadly heard
To not hold the line with this

So I stood there quiet
Then I lowered the small plastic
I reholstered, my unbolstered
And left the scene undrastic

Thought id steal fame, glory,
And would earn me all the respect
For robbing blind banks of your mind
With my impotent rocket

>>22368417
And last time samefagging for a minute, but I am still fairly new to writing poetry, does practice help in this endeavor? I do think I could get better if I try

Dearest Clara,

You're right
you did not scam me
I did it to myself
my capacity for delusion
has been a constant source
of unreality
and chaos in my
Life
I am a mark
I have to beat off
the scammers
with a stick
they see it glowing
between my eyes
like a ruby
the birthmark of
a born rube

I'd like to think
I know better by now
having paid for porn
paid for
writing workshops
in Italy
paid for drywall
and cattails
obviously I did not
open an account
on premiumcloudmining.net
per your instructions
and no, I did not
make an active deposit

What makes you think
I have any bitcoin
I already told you
I'm unemployed
unemployable even
but that's what I get
for fucking around
on my 62 year old gf
with a 300 pound
business analyst
from the Canton of Bern

Like I said
you did not scam me
I've only my love
to give
you have my number
please consider
unblocking me

I know what you're saying
And even I get the feeling
That I feel what I'm feeling
Because my mind won't stop praying.

Maybe the ropes are just fraying
And the lines just need weaving.
Is it a crime to be grieving,
Is it so wrong to keep saying

Unsung songs and unheard words

>>22368425
>does practice help in this endeavor
yes, it does
you have to understand that good poetry comes from an ability to perceive and to think about things differently, you have to use words to realize relationships between things that nobody else can even see
as for the technical part of writing poetry, you'll get it down quickly

>>22369073
Thank you for the encouragement anon I’m going to keep working at the stone! Maybe one day I’ll make something truly great

>>22369089
the only thing that stands in the way is usually not lack of capacity but lack of self-awareness (not in the gay hippie way)
for some reason anons and most people who write poetry refuse to engage with it seriously and critically and refuse to experiment with anything and everything until they've mastered it all
and you should master it all so that the form and the words and the meter get out of the way of what you want to say
do not listen to the retards who regularly post here and who subscribe to a shallow idea of what "the best" poetry is and stick to it forever
read everything and think about why it is the way it is

May I meet the blue
The sky is so blue that I could feel
its teeth sink into the gaps between my ribs
like prying heavenly fingers on the hand of
a hungry young God whose face is stained with
the meal of His love, sat at the table of
His love, loudly calling for more food.
The sky is so blue that heaven must
be made of blue, blue like my mother's
tears and the eyes that cry them every time
she says goodbye --
she cries every time she says goodbye, not because
letting go is hard but because hold on
just feels. So. Good.
That's the blues. Holding on just feels so good.
My oldest friend's eyes are blue, and my newest lover's eyes are blue, too, and it makes me
smile -- it all makes me smile. Hands and heavens
and tears and loving eyes and lakes that hide
the ashes --
My mother smiles while she cries, and I think
of Willie Nelson, and his blue eyes, and
my brother told me he saw blue lightning bugs in the mountains of our
home, God bless him, and now I'm crying, and the tears are on my
blue jeans, and I'm smiling at the blue nail polish on my hands
and my breath catches in a cocoon of blue, blue layers folding
over me like skin, a blue so deep it sinks into my heart, blue
blossoming under the soles of my feet as I walk towards love,
blue lakewater pouring out of my chest and I am
whole, and I can hear my friends laughing, and I am
held and warmed by the care of a thousand eyes and
hands and I am dried beneath the blessing of a
blue sky. I see sky and I am lying on the
earth like her firstborn child, I am her child, her
every child, every child of hers is blue, has got some
blues. Sometimes I have the bluest kiss -- on the cheek
or mouth. It wakes me back up to the river of God that
catches me and throws me into eternity every morning.
The sky has seen me cry.
I've felt the blues of My God run down my spine like
water trickling down a melting icicle, and I glint
and God can be happy for a second or two.
I guess God put me under this sky to live.
The sky has not betrayed me. The sky is a martyr
for me -- He will not stop seeing me. Sometimes with blue eyes..

I am made out of blues. My body is a thousand blue kisses rising
like hope or butterflies, and nothing is too heavy for me to carry,
because I am bonded to it all and to lift the world I need
only lift myself.

>>22368480
good poem. humorous. I am an idiot so I was confused by the plot, but that's not a criticism of your writing. You made bitterness palatable here, made me want to tangle with the kind of resentment I usually do my best to mercilessly exorcise. You made it almost endearing. I'd keep looking for that endearment towards your self-pity, if I were you. There's something your voice can capture there.

>>22369013
There is a desperation here, a kind of hoarseness, that I really enjoyed. It is not trying to make more of itself than it is, it's being honest. I did not like the rhymescheme and cadence in the second stanza. It felt clunky, clumsy, awkward. I'd spend more time with that section, trying to make it breathe. It didn't feel alive. It felt like it was in a box, compared to the first stanza and the last line. I also have to say your use of punctuation was compelling to me -- closing the first stanza but leaving the rest open. That gave me that space to breathe. I'd read more of your writing, anon. It was comforting, and I felt like I was reaching for the words alongside the poem. That's a good thing ya know.

>>22367210
oh what a whirlpool of language. I feel like you either had a lot of fun writing this, or were fueled by a lot of resentment -- not that one of those is a superior place to write poetry from. My head is a-swirl trying to glean complete meaning from this. Were you trying to resist meaning in the writing of this? Did you want the poem to defeat the drive towards its own message? That's the feeling I got.

>>22367262
Earnest and relatable. The kind of poem you want to put on a locket and wear near your collarbone. Thanks for sharing, anon.

>>22366980
Genuinely charming.

>>22369346
Thanks for reading!

>>22369346
I like your poem because every time I read the word blue, I saw a flash of blue in my mind, and it made me feel good

>>22369584
:) I am glad. I wrote it cause the blue in the sky was doing that same thing to my brain.

>>22367428
Thanks for reading! But yes this was a way to try and vent my depression from being rejected later in life from a childhood crush after being told my whole life I could have any girl I wanted (as I've had many people tell me I'm very attractive). I appreciate the feedback though! I can see how clout is a stretch, but I found it hard to rhyme stout with another word that would mean a show of mastery of skill (many people compliment how good I can cast a fly rod). And I will work on the overall rhythm to be more consistent. I think I started to get sloppy at the end because I was bumming my self out realizing I couldn't have her.

>>22369376
Thanks effort crit poster. I'm inspired to try and give more in my feedbacks
I've read oeuvres and several collections yet I feel that I'm learning the words for feedback from others here

>>22369749
Try "tout" perhaps

>>22369787
Thanks dog. If any of those was yours, post another, I'd want to read more.

Also read mine >>22369346

>>22369346
Highly recommend reading Bluets by Maggie Nelson if you haven't already


S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)


The word outcried,
light and flesh collide.

The heavens denied
man for his pride.

The slithering spirits pried.
They took man for a ride

for years, on self man relied
and for years, man in pain decried.

Man lost his way, lost to the tide,
and now man's been tried,

convicted in the gallows, hands tied.
Through his hood, man spied,

a sudden slice of light.
So with man, God died.

>>22369376

I'm >>22367210

Definitely had fun writing it, which for me is far from mutually exclusive with channeling resentment (in this case internal). I like your phrases "resist meaning" and "defeat the drive towards its own message." In a funny way, that's completely off base with what I was aiming for, while also simultaneously being accurate in a roundabout way. The poem is trying to milk a stone, but also is about trying to milk a stone, in a kind of autological and heterological kind of way, if that makes sense. I feel like poetry follows along an axis between abstraction and concreteness, and things are most interesting when you attempt to embody both extremes. Like with your poem here >>22369346 I feel like you do a good job in balancing imagery with action, symbolism with literalism—blue being both blue itself and "blue," which almost becomes a character as much as a schelling point for so many associative meanings. I quite like the line "the sky has seen me cry." I saw someone else mention it, but Bluets by Maggie Nelson is a very relevant read that I'd highly rec

cheers for the feedback, my generous compadre

When we became human
Memory made us forget
Man is a short song
Yet we are not

>>22369346
Im not much into this style of poetry. Stream of consciousness is difficult to convey and sell, and at times your piece does so, but I find myself generally unaffected by it. There's an escalation about halfway through that I felt and appreciated. I feel that trying to format this kind of thing into verse does it a disservice. I find the line breaks often aren't an element of the flow or even act against it, and I had a very difficult time even noticing the flow until I read it aloud. There's some phonetic connections and satisfying wordplay but generally I found it relied on a sense of momentum, which occasionally stilts. I bet it's really hard to refine this kind if piece because it relies on cohesion and escalation
Would be much better as prose

beckoned by the sourdough loaf
the thermite tower's height slackens
haranguing the people
the people acquiesce to their own idea of themselves
windmills hold court when balling
regardless of what Puccini plays
a speeding ticket's irrevocability licks
the roof of an abandoned mouth
all it takes is one good line
for the bee to do its honeybaked thing
god bless the marine flora
blooming past reason the sunflower turns its scythe
onto the hand that feeds it earth
and light in its most compact form
of elocutionary lessons in ancient Greek
which it all is to me, the me

>>22369346
This feels like something you wrote to try and get sex from art chicks

>>22338570
A Chthonic Lament

Watching o'er their elfin hoards,
Within their caves of bejewelled walls,
Now scarce they venture to the dell,
Scarce they climb the towering fell,
For man hath conquered all above,
And he has all but lost his love,
For ancient oaks and vales of green,
Even the timid mountain streams,
All now ravaged by his machines.

>>22338902
Just one? I think that deserves at least 6 Internets.

>>22342401
>Hur I googled some shit and made a reference whipppeeeeeee.
3/100

OP is a fag
Has sex with men to pay rent
Drunk spunk and got AIDS

Autumn wind blows through
OP's cavernous asshole
I smell cum from here

A little while ago, I translated a couple Brasillach of poems that he wrote in prison just before he was executed, intending to translate the whole collection. Very quickly I realized that I was out of my depth and stopped. I've got a book on poetry translation coming in soon. Once I've read it, I'll try again. In the meantime, my favorite from the lot.

COME THE NIGHT

Come the night, so I may escape
Far away from the walls that make up my prison
It alone is enough to make them part,
And I rediscover my horizons.
It matters not if they confine me
The Night strikes down all partitions.

With the night, I walk
Under the sun of the old days.
I no longer see what binds me,
Sleep shatters destiny:
Behold the sea, behold the Seine,
Behold the cool faces of my kin.

As in the German camps,
Every night, O Night, you come back,
To give back everything they've taken from me,
I close my eyes under the touch of your hands,
I escape, you accompany me,
You caress me until morning.

O Night, o sole treasure that remains constant
For the free man as well as the exile,
And so I have found you again, you marvel,
After three years, here you are before me once again!
I surrender to your dear sun,
Take me away, as in days past.

On the straw where lie the soldiers,
You brought me the same dreams
As those who were happy, those of whom I was not
Today, I dive back towards you,
O helpful, o ever present,
O Night that has no lies.

October 24, 1944

>>22369882
What a metaphysically heavy poem! The ending ate at me. That God could die with man, that what is eroded in us could erode at what is divine beyond us, that our evil can capture divinity -- what an presumptuous thought and tempting truth. I don't have many notes on style, but that I enjoyed the couplet format. Also the cadence and rhymescheme made me think of some of D. H. Lawrence's stuff.

>>22369945
Man I really appreciate the response, it's always interesting to get some insight into somebody else's process. The displaced self-return, the autological and heterological circularity that you talk about, is something I've felt pulling at me while writing at times, but I don't know if I've always had the vision or patience to really engage with it. I feel moved to try. Also I appreciate the feedback, I hadn't really seen that about my own writing, the character-ization of blue, the way it allows meanings to dance within it. I enjoy that being pointed out.

>>22370665
Thanks for the thoughts dog. I actually generally agree with you -- I have a strong distaste for this style, I don't see it as good writing. I wrote this while working in the field (I'm a farmworker) as a sort of "nobody will see this" diary entry, but shared it with my coworker and she loved it, so then I shared it with my writing group and they all loved it, so I was like "oh maybe there's something here after all". Maybe the rest of my writing is just bad enough that even this was exciting for them haha.

>>22370912
I just get sex from art chicks. The shitty writing comes after spending a lot of time with them.

>>22372521
Do you enjoy smearing your own shit on yourself infront of a mirror or in public?

>>22361392
Very good, though suspicious it lacks meaning. Last line is cliche and must be excised.

>>22371019
Decent but the archaic language comes off as corny and insincere. As for the actual contents, it’s decent. Just would be a better poem if it had
>c. 18xx
That being said it is pretty good

Now, ere it sinks down
We, e'er our fixed gaze upon the horizon,
Rise, but not men we were - aye
Not the men we used to be

>>22362813
Your brain on shuffle? I read enough meaningless drivel for this to not even register.

>>22373423
The whole OH BOY YOU REALLY SHOWED ALL THE SERIOUS ARTISTS BY POSTING NONSENSE schtick got real old about 100 years ago when everybody realized that shitposting was much easier than effortposting.

With the fishes in a sunken ship
A bubble in the ballroom
I tell me I should get a grip
But I see only gloom

>>22373441
>A bubble in the ballroom
Not a thing
>I tell me I
no

>>22373448
Yes.

>>22373232

>Very good, though suspicious it lacks meaning

what does this mean

(and I agree about the last line)

>>22373423
>>22373437
are you replying to yourself

Been submitting this to various journals, and have received three very encouraging rejection emails, which makes me very optimistic

Been submitting this to various journals, and have received three very encouraging rejection emails, which makes me very optimistic

Up on high a hall of hatred
Black and sullen are its beams
Dark the bricks and dark the flagstones
Burdened with the weight of screams

In the rafters lives a raven
Harsh his croaking in the gloom
Harsher still the howl of silence
Walled up inside every room

On the table lies a banquet
Tainted by the creeping rot
Maggots fat and bloated writhing
Festering and boiling hot

Windowframes stand bare and empty
Crumbling sockets full of night
Outside there is naught but hedges
Eating up the feeble light

Damp and dripping is the cellar
Rank and venomous the stench
He that dwells there wallows weakly
Forcing weary fists to clench

Steep the stairs and many missing
Crowned with shadows at the top
Something out of sight lurks up there
Shakes and crouches poised to drop

Gargoyles guard the great main doorway
Leering masks of horrid stone
Now the master-hand that made them
May not pass them on his own

>>22373638
unironically really good anon

maybe my favorite ITT

>>22373264
The "ere" gimmick is cute but it feels weird that it's not a part of the culmination in the final line
That being said, the simplicity and the directness of the final line makes this work for me