/lit/ - Literature

>>22314631
>>library gnomes
that's what you call homeless guatemalans?

>ask for a copy of Spinoza's Ethics
>library wizard tells me to open the cellar hatch in back of the biology section
>hands me what appears to be an ancient sword and a dimly glowing phial before returning to staring at his orb

>>22314631
What does this mean

>>22314742
>library newfags broke out of the hole again

>ask where I can find the Dostoevksky translations
>everyone in the library turns to stare at me
>librarian looks disappointed, then pulls an "Intro to Russian" textbook out from under her desk

>>22314631
Your pic reminds me of this godly post.
>>/lit/thread/16428301

>>22314982
isekai tier, embarassing

>>22314631
They ruined the library sauna the last time they rioted and it wasn't back in order for 2 weeks.
Honestly don't know whether I'll continue my gold membership if it happens again

>only copy of Lolita is finally available again
>get notified to come pick it up
>they give me a literal female child to take home
what am I supposed to do with her? She’s just playing my Switch and eating cookies right now I don’t know what to do.

>>22315134
>>22314634
>>22314631
gnome lives matter, chuds

>library jester swapped my checked out books with someone else again
>can't step back in the library until I finish reading Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus
>can't even get past the introduction

>heard the skeleton rattling in the basement section again

>>22315224
Total gnome death

>>22315155
They should've given you a CD with her. You have to stick it in the slot on the back of her head and she'll start reading it to you. They're making audiobooks more and more complicated these days...

>>22315289
i just checked and there’s no slot. mayhaps there’s a slot elsewhere

Due to staffing shortages the penis inspections are now being done by the library trap.

>>22315134
>he hasn't received an invitation for platinum membership
>he doesn't get complimentary crab legs and unfettered access to the rare manuscripts section

>>22315508
it’s a library not a cinemaplex there are no crab legs stop baiting. most i’ve seen was complimentary humus and soft pretzels (unironically)

>>22315516
your library doesn't even have a lounge?

>>22315522
the homeless turned it into a tent city

>the library hobos are too busy reading to get a job

>having the hots for the gilf head librarian but too autustic to do anything about it
>hanging out with the ghostly old lady in the library basement

>once a week have to go down with petroleum jelly and release a BBC stuck in the library glory hole
>tell head librarian we need to make the hole a little bigger
>he says no and won’t let me
>won’t tell me why either
it’s a very Kafkaesque situation

>>22315578
Those are sages, not hobos.
Learn the difference, it could save your life.

Why do libraries have showers? Libraries are for books, not showers.

>>22316043
why do American libraries have toilets? Are you all just walking around shitting everywhere you go?

>library gnomes are jerking off to porn on the public computers again

>>22316043
Ok I will stick to the walls

>>22316067
Stick to my balls instead

>>22316073
Only Pessoa did a basketball approximation

Do they still have popcorn mines at libraries?

I'm so scared bros. I'm on my second strike. If I talk too loudly one more time, the basement hags will surgically remove my voice box to keep the library quiet.

>Materialists keep setting off the theft prevention scanners.

>library druids smoking weed in the bathing halls yet again

>had to eat out the head librarian troon gilf eldritch pussy and massage her dried up wrinkly nigger feet.

yay fuck niggers

>ask to look at the local Gutenberg Bible
>they check it out to me and let me just take it home
Shit, what do I do now?

>secret library fireplace is crackling
>library ghost is telling stories

>>22315155
This kid is a magic device. They don't give out real children after library wizards' counsel decision of 1913. Order an Artificer Items Use Manual to check how you can listen to audiobooks and change settings.

>a pack of western traditionalist books is hunting for library gnomes in magic section again

>>22314631
>The book characters are escaping

>library toaster has a new sign next to it saying ‘please do not put books in the toaster’
>someone crossed out the k and scribbled a b so it says ‘please do not put boobs in the toaster’
>someone else scratched out do not so it says ‘please put boobs in the toaster’
>there’s a book poking out of each slot of the toaster

>the ghost of Stirner keeps calling everything I do a spook
I don't think I can take it for much longer bros

>he doesnt have his bookmoths guarding his home library
I took a while for me to raise them properly but my Bookmoths have had a steady diet of philosophical works, greek epics, war strategy, and tom clancy novels
They can defend my library and my house against anything
Library gnomes (or hatniggers, as I like to call them) approach my lawn and get devoured before they could even say
>OHOOH

>>22314646
My library wizard isn't a fucking bitch like yours and keeps the deep cellar clear of entities
He does his fucking job and that's why I always thank him and tip him a generous amount
I've been to libraries all over the place and it's insane how many of these faggot wizards don't even bother I was considering becoming one myself, but I think Im gonna expand my bookmoth ranching enterprise instead

>>22315432
Perchance

>>22316805
What he tellin, anoen?

>>22316348
Fucking hate those fags
There's a magic garden out back for a reason, dipshits
You're supposed to smoke under the grand oak so he can convert the fumes to a ward and keep the place safe from the shadowfolk

>>22316915
lame

>>22314631
>didn't subjugate his library gnomes by right of conquest
its your own fault really.

>book boys are on sympathy strike
>cant fit into any book flutes

>>22314631
>substitute librarian is Candlej

Just took a nasty shit in the third floor toilet

>>22317894
Fuck you, why didn’t you flush asshole.

>sacrifice day at the library
>the occultists have been bragging about this one for months so far
>basement has been cleared of spider nests finally for it
>they ask us to give our interpretation of Plato at the entrance
>umm, like forms and shit, I just read Kafka mostly
>get put in the “special line” while mostly everyone else gets to go in the regular entrance
>tfw the screaming gets louder near the door at the front of the line

>>22317894
>he doesnt know about the tower's poop thrower receptacle in the east wing

>>22315432
Did you find the slot?

>went to the library after the recent renovations
>mfw it’s filled with an infinite array of hexagonal galleries with random orthographic symbols filling the pages of every book on every shelf
>mfw (one of) the librarians tells me the truth is out there
>mfw still searching

Who started selling crack to gnomes for golden coins?

>>22318382
My bad. I didn't realize the coins turned into dust if you took them beyond the main portcullis.

>>22318475
Not only did you play yourself but you also fucked all of us over because now the gnomes are more rowdy and violent than before
I forgive you, anoen, but damn you're retarded

>>22318330
I don’t think I should talk about it anymore. She’s happy and playing Switch again. We’ll leave it at that.

Gnomes aren't real.

>>22318516
I'm confused but I hope you got to enjoy your lolita, anon

>>22318521
gnome hands typed this
i know you’re real faggot

>>22318521
>he’s never seen the gnome city in the library caverns

>library harlot just wants to be friends

>>22318521
You kind will perish once we discover the ancient city of Gorhmendrust, little "person"
We have scouts looking for it 24/7

>>22318521
>Gnomes aren't real.

>>22319056
>tfw you hear word that the twin noses of the two-headed trackerhounds grow keener by the day
The brutality of Mankind’s revenge is going to feel so sweet, bro.

>Library Sphinx denies me entry arter I fail to answer his riddle
>try again next week but now I am late on my returns
>as punishment I have to milk the Ink Cows for the rest of the aeon
What a gyp

>parchment sages accidentally read the eldritch lore again

>library hedgehog keeps nibbling at my ankles while i read
>library director says “oh don’t worry about it he just loves the taste of pancakes”
what the hell did she mean by this?

>The orangutans that live in the philosophy section that I taught to read are starting to read Hobbes
What have I done?

>book return date is right on the library's yearly Purge day

I already have a penalty mark, what happens if I get the second?

>>22316824
>Western traditionalists keep sneaking into the Eastern wing

>>22318182
>they ask us to give our interpretation of Plato at the entrance
"The idea life is one in pursuit of knowledge for the sake of knowledge so that our body's support our soul's goal of being as close to The One"
Which line am I in?

>>22320272
She was calling you sweet like maple syrup
It's how canadians flirt anon
Reciprocate if she cute

>>22320558
The line for the mental slaughterhouse bro

>techcrabs are hogging the future computers again
They're literally setting up a LAN party and the staff doesn't even care at all
I just want to play starfield IV bros why are they like this??

>library schizo is shuffling around the computer hub rambling about techcrabs again
>techcrabs literally haven’t existed for nearly 1000 years

>>22320664
>Christ chastising the bankers
He really is a communist isn't he, but he keeps it on the downlow. Someone ought to send him home shop weapons from Mexico, Spain and Chiapas.

>cute new librarian gets carried off by the molemen in the basement
>the molemen were introduced to get rid of the pigmen
>none of the library mercs are willing to go down there and clear them out
I pay 38.99 a month for this shit? the least they could fucking do is seal the door up

>>22320674
Who knows, maybe mercs are scheming a rebellion...

>>22320664
I'm literally watching them have a dance party right now
Theyre playing music from all of thr computers at once
How is this okay with everyone? This is a library

>>22315134
Unironically why the fuck isn't this a thing? I would love to drop into my local library's cozy little Sauna on a relaxing Sunday evening after picking out a lovely piece of French literature from the shelf. And then take leave to an amazing dinner with my mother.

>>22321745
Mine had a sauna but the fucking duskelves kept taking books into them to read. They ruined several copies of plato's complete works and all of the series of unfortunate events books
They got the saunas shut down for everyone until they can "behave themselves and follow the rules like the dawnkelves do"
Fucking duskies
>>22319951
Literally counting the days until we raze that "kingdom" to the ground

>The Custodian left the portal to Qu'un open at the end of his shift
>library greenhouse infested by yrrs again
>exterminator is on vacation until the end of August
Guess who has to bring their tomatoes from home now. Fucking great.

>the parrots in the aviary keep repeating Nestorian heresies
What do I do? I fear they may be corrupting the other birds.

>>22316094
I think it's only at the ones that still have VHS

>>22318521
Explain the Norse mythology section then

>Yearly book sacrifice to appease the silverfish demon
>We had to burn a 15th century Guthenberg Bible this year

>>22320664
Yeah you say that now but remember the quagga incident when the schizo said the alphabet only really needed eight letters?

>>22316662
>>22316662
Return it when it's due, just like you would with the First Folio or Bay Psalms.

>>22321771
Stob being a bitch
You can just use the cafèwitch's broom to shoo them away
Yrrs are basically harmless they're all bark no bite

>>22320674
What do you think the molemen are going to do to her??

>>22322871

>>22321745
>Homeless shits in it
>Child burns himself on coals
>Retard pours water on coals to make steam and ruins all books inside
>Nigger throws books on coals just to see them smolder and burn
>Every retard with an SUV begins to come to the library just to use the thing, crowding the place with loud old men
>Pervert exposes/watches exposed people inside, probably just jacking off in front of them
>Costs the city 10,000,000 dollars in embezzlement fees
>Never is cleaned or maintained
>Eventually burns library down

>encyclopedia warlock won't let me get at the J's until I discover th3 TRUE answer to the jewish question
He says HE know it but wants me to figure it out so I get a sense of accomplishment. I just want to learn about the history of J'tchal Jelly, bros

>>22314982
This post is amazing. I wish that fag made it into a short story.

>library jester has been raising grasshoppers in the greenhouse again
>tell him that they will go locust if he keeps raising the population
>he doesn’t care
>tfw half of the aviary is now locust food and the exterminator was captured by Gnomes last week
I think our jester may be working with the little ones

Am I the only one that feels like a good 90% of these posts are pure bullshit?

>>22323852
>he doesnt have a memebership to his local twilight library
You have to read the greek canon, then the meme trilogy, then finally the 4chan canon, and then MAYBE they'll send you an sunowl with a letter of invitation

>boiler room elves on strike
>all radiators malfunctioning
>all the harpies laughed at me when they saw me sweating while reading lolita
It's like they don't feel the heat, or they're being evil on purpose. What's more, The One's wax prison is starting to melt

>>22324133
Birds don't sweat anon. They probably feel hot too. Make them a service and dump cold water on them. If those are duck harpies they will just get offended, but crow harpies will hate you like hell. Alternatively avoid conflict and bring them some shiny stuff and they will stop laughing at you. Just keep water from the oceanic books, I had an accident of summoning a skeleton pirate crew once in the old timey YA section.

>>22317885
a-anon?

>>22324165
>I had an accident of summoning a skeleton pirate crew once in the old timey YA section.
The worst part about that is that whenever something of the sort happens, all the sirens instinctively start luring them to the Greek section. They can sing on and on and no one bats an eye, but when I wind up my musical box, it's all shh's and dirty looks.

>>22324165
How get ravenharpie gf??

>sentenced to a year on the wheel of pain cus they caught me stealing criterion collection dvds again
>only just allowed off of it
hey guys what's been going on, how's McCarthy doing, is his new book good?

>library qt found a bigger dork to bully
I have attention withdrawal ; ;

>>22324578
I guess I got lucky. I turned in my copy of the album Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water one week late and as punishment I have to climb some rock atop of a mountain. I can't lift it but it's perfectly spherical so it should only take about day or so.

>>22324636
OH NONONONONONONO
AAAHHHHHH HHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

>goth girl won't stop hiding Arian pamphlets in the Bibles

>the local library goblin is using the world wide web to look up OnlyNaiads again
>we all have to pretend this is a goblin acceptance zone
brexit means brexit

Thanks guys these threads really cheer me up. I've had my library card revoked since the last competency quiz. Head librarian asked me to describe the principles of Anglo-Saxon versification and I forgot . Needless to say he was furious.
I went to ask for it back and it turns out because I'm a platinum member I can get it back if I clear out all the kobolds from the basement. I asked for a sword or a weapon of some kind but all they gave me was a pen.
Wish me luck guys

>>22325277
Don't worry. The penis mightier than the sword.

I asked the library oracle for a classical fiction rec and she gave me Infinite Jest
wtf did she mean bros

>>22325286
She was telling you to read Horace by George Sand. Think about the Hamlet quote it's from.
>but that doesn't even make sense, Horatio wasn't the the fellow of infinite jest, it was Yorick
Oracles are shit at wordplay, what do you want me to do about it. I was an oracle assistent for most of my 20s, just trust me on this.

>music elfs found the acid house records again
which one you cunts left your adderall outside the lockbox in the basement this time? they can't handle human size amphetamines and nobody can hear them in there through the soundproofing, so by the time i found them they'd a disinterred tony wilson wrapped in led lights and were voting on rebuilding the hacienda. it's going to take weeks to get the melted ice cones out of the foam padding. just lock your pills up when you're swiping your card. i just wanted to listen to some records while microdosing not become their tour manager.
btw if you know any libraries in/near bratislava that can host a 14" stage and light show with appropriate security, it'd be a great help if you could hook me up before the 13th when i have to take my cds back. they only let me take them because i said i knew a place that could fit 15,000 and i gave them some xanax

>>22325286
oracle on classic fic level is from tiresian line, don't trust any rec she gives you that doesn't have braille on it

what is this thread?

>they had to source book owls from someone new because of a supplier fuck up
>they keep hunting down Mann readers to pelt them with Ishiguro editions
Not even mad they stopped screening the supplier list for weebs during the pandemic now thanks to these beautiful creatures. I've been bringing extra mice every day so they get habituated and don't want to leave if they try to leave in Eurocentric owls again.

>>22325469
This is the thread

>>22314982
Thanks for the laugh, anon. I needed it.

>>22318521
Explain the noises coming from my walls then, tard.
>inb4 rape dwarves
And you have the audacity to say gnomes aren't real.

Incredibly subtle F Gardner thread

>aelfs put the Bible into the fiction section again
>meaning someone wiped the protection sigils
>again
ffs it's the fifth time this month. I'm just tired of Scandinavian beasts invading us over and over again.

The scroll channelers keep insisting I talk to my dead relatives instead of Herman Melville. I'm getting really sick of it, who are they to judge what I use my tokens on? Are they as pretentious at other libraries?

>>22325650
They are trying to tell you to stop bothering him already.

>>22316936
>he tips the library wizard
Do americans really?

>>22325604
>coming from my walls then, tard.
Dude you've done some fucked up shit to books if they dormed you next to the showers. You're not allowed anything other than an ereader in those damp hellholes. Hope the dwarves get you if you're the spine breaker in the German philosophy 1732-1874 section.

>book filing demon got treatment for his OCD
okay I was all for giving these mfs healthcare but have you seen the card indices lately?

>>22325277
You have to write them a love poem, anon, they're not violent creatures and they'll leave as soon as you make them feel something other than apathy and sorrow
>t. Kobold (this is a cry for help)

>>22326087
dear kobold oh lowly yet still noble kobold
forgive me, my intrusion, let me be so bold
you patrician creature, think not of your sorrow
move it from your gaze, lest it blind ye tomorrow

For my ignorance, my failings in Anglo verse
My card is revoked and I burdened with this curse
That I must slay you, flay you and leave none to mourn
of your kind this next coming of the bloody dawn

Kobold beautiful being, know you are learned
Hole in this basement despite all the hate unearned
What good creature under this library would live?
only one with fine poetry and art to give

Let us strike a deal, appease that librarian
that on this coming morrow, your kind promptly leaves
taking nothing, leave all that's antiquarian
Know that I adore you all and think you not thieves

Kobold
With pen as my weapon, I beg you, listen to this ode

I spent too long on this

>>22326388
fuck should say Holed

>>22326408
Yeah, that's not the only thing in that stanza the grammar goblin is going to catch you for. Use the side entrance to the basement, the griffin is an imagist and accepts crayons as future poems.

>>22326388
how correct is he?
https://chat.openai.com/share/4aef1a86-ca7e-41aa-9952-31c0d0443ddf

>>22316921
Anon I hatched and a bookmoth from an egg that the guy in the doujin section sold me, but now that they're fully grown they look a little different from everyone else's...

>renewing my library card with the qt brunette clerk
>we make eye contact, she smiles and looks away shyly, asks what I've been reading
>"Septology" I say with feigned confidence, pulling it out of my custom Knausgaard tote bag
>"Ooh, looks smart."
>she checks to make sure there isn't anyone behind me
>"Hey, can you read me something from it? Just a paragraph would be fine."
>my smile drops slowly, I look down at the book; my hand is trembling, my cock is no longer hard
>"O-Okay, just a paragraph"
>read for three days straight before exhaustion and the collective intervention of the 1,923 people now in line behind me put a stop to it
What the fuck did I do wrong?
>>22318363
>he entered through the Library of Babel entrance
Nice going retard, see you in twenty years.
>>22320464
Don't worry, once they get to Descartes and learn that animals are mentally machines they'll either vine themselves or kill eachother.

>>22326388
I really liked it anon

>Walk past wraith in the botanical garden
>Refer to her as ghost
>She reports me to the archjailer
My case will be reviewed two weeks from now. PC gone mad I tell you

>>22324482
You have to tie up a gnome on the greek literature mountain in the souther wing of the lubrary. Did it unintentionally once when a gnome drew hats on every cover that had sculptures. The harpy ate him and now follows me around. She's not very annoying and sometimes brings unedited schizo manuscripts from the library's wizard retirement home.

>due to the collapses in subterranean storage 67-J they moved the German Idealism into the windtunnel during repairs
>doing some light reading while considering between Jacobi or Schelling for my monthly exam
>someone turns the wind tunnel on
I will find you, they made me clean the book paste vats and feed the dwarves for a week.

>reading Guenon in the Archetypes Archive
>the ghost of future Nick Land appears, calls me a pseud and shrieks in ghostly wailing
>slinks back off to the Noumena Wing
>everyone tells me to shut up
I'm so fucking over it

>>22325449
>music elfs found the acid house records again
Stop leaving them in Black Boxes.

Please like my reference

I'm seriously considering cancelling my platinum. So the story is some good 5 years ago this satyr asshole caught one of his hooves in the grilles on the floor of the sterilization antichamber, on his way to the spa section. The hoof got stuck so they had to cut half of it off (he was going to file them anyway!).
So now, for fear of litigation, the Archdruid lets him get away with all his shenanigans. Just the other day he brought an entire set of porcelain plates over from the High Priestess' private collection and smashed them on a head of a dryad shouting "HOW'S THIS FOR A WEDDING YOU FUCKING KIKE? WHORE". He reeked of rum.

>>22316348

>got stuck in the basement anomaly again
Holy shit whose idea was it to put the Vedas down here, what are they hiding? Bros, the shelves are moving and I think I hear grunting coming from the American Literature section, the wizard is passed out drunk on moonshine, how the fuck do I get out of here?

>>22314943
Underrated kek

>>22317856
>book boys are on sympathy strike
>all the wealthy unmarried patrons disappeared
>I am suddenly listed as the owner
Uhm I think I am being set up....

>>22321955
>Implying they'll prosecute

>>22323852
I accidentally fedposted on /lit/ a year ago and the trannys on discord never let it go.

>>22314631
I just went and checked. Libgen seems to be working just fine.

>library showers clogged again
Gall and brimstone, why doesn't anything work around here? If I have to suffer through the sage's stink again then I'm going to let Bezos run the kindlewire through my brain!

>>22325637
>>aelfs
American spellings go home, everyone else uses elf. Don’t tell me you spell dwarf as dwarve

>>22328736
If you get interrogated by Kalidasa, just insist that you’re a Shudra. He’ll look at you with smugness and say that you don’t have to chant the Rigveda in order to leave. Brahmins, never once.

>book worms ate all the books (again)

>Library has a gym

Who else /fitlit/ here?

>SCP Foundation raided our encyclopedia section again
I don't even know what happened THIS time.

>>22329136
>library has a Jim
hate that asshole

>just received an invitation to the anthropodermic bibliopegy conference as the guest of honor
I'm so excited. What should I wear?

>>22330043
Navy blazer

>>22315155
Unironically the Cole's Notes version

>>22329573
This is why critics need to fuck off. My library's Jim always hides behind the criticism of criticism shelf which is right before the Waldunian studies shelf I frequent and he always pranks people who go there. We already told the bouncer to do something about him but he's paid most staff off by now

>book genie will only accept wishes in ancient Greek, and only if phrased in dactylic hexameter with period accurate rough breathing
This is bullshit.

>library sauna is full of naked finns again

>>22314631
It's a valid reaction to the systemic gnomeophobia in the librarysphere.

>>22331333
And you don’t think that systematic gnomeophobia is justified? I was literally there for the siege of Rhondon. I had to hide in a pile of corpses and forsake my authentic 15th century Gutenberg Bible to live!

>>22323879
>4chan Canon
Does that mean The Legacy of Totalitarianism in a Tundra and Hypersphere? If so, I think I'd rather kill myself...

>>22324165
Can I douse them in my piss and cum instead like in my mangos?

>>22325469
Welcome to 4chan, sport

>new librarian labels and shelves Plato's Apology in 183 instead of the correct 184
>the furies kill 2 patrons and maim a third

>the library won't let me use the wind tunnel to cool of during the heatwave

Are these library gnomes in the room with you right now?

So this one satyr asshole caught one of his hooves in the floor grilles of the sterilization antichamber. The custodian called the worker gnomes and the whole debacle ended within 15 minutes; they only had to cut ~5cm of hoof. He made a scene and demanded an audience with the Archdruid. For fear of litigation, he agreed not only to give him a lifetime Emerald card, but also to forever look the other way whenever the asshole engages in his debauchery.
He got his hoof caught on his way to the eastern wing. He was going to the spa! He was about to file his hooves either way! But now we have to stand and watch as he pisses in the communal chalice, lest he shuts down the whole place.
Just the other day he took an entire set of porcelain plates from the High Priestess' private antiques collection and, one by one, broke them over the head of a particularly young looking dryad, screaming "HOW'S THIS FOR A WEDDING, YOU KIKE BITCH?". He reeked of cheap rum.

Bookwyrm stole the kings daughter and he wont open the library again until she is returned.

>>22328076
At least you didn't have to deal with the ghost of Nick Land present and the ghost of Nick Land past.

>>22331661
Yes as a matter of fact. I checked out a Wardruna CD and some Thomas Childers lectures so they followed me home snickering loudly to each other, whinnying "Miiiiighty suspicious. Yes hmmmmm? Miiiiighty suspicious indeed!"

How do I get them to leave?

>finally collect enough library tokens to see the papyrus hermit's cave
>I ask him who really wrote the Pseudo-Dionysian corpus
>it turns out he can only answer with lies

>>22325214
underrated

>>22331349
>I had to hide in a pile of corpses and forsake my authentic 15th century Gutenberg Bible to live!
>this gnome fodder pleb's Bible is _typeset_ not scribed and even he survived Rhondon
Look, either Jesus is overpowered or this gnome business isn't that big of a threat. I don't see what the problem with us all going commando is, because I really think it's only the Mormons who are concerned about it at this point.

Amex just opened a centurion lounge in my library. Black card chads rise up.

>>22333830
m8 it's above the Serbian history section for a reason. I'm sure you're alright but maybe don't go past the complimentary sandwich bar tonight

>library hawk has made its nest in the 19th century German philosophy section
>Gonna have to wait until it's babies have left to finish my essay on hegel

>>22333990
Those vegan activists ruined the library. I can't get to the Schopenhauer section without stepping in a dozen poodles.

>>22334173
>Those vegan activists ruined the library
It's the Buddhist Hesse fanclub running a false flag operation. They're just pretending to be vegan free love advocates because that's how they treed the guy in his short stories. You can tell because they can't get into the weird old timey preacher stuff from Nietzsche and have left Heidegger's Greek stuff untouched but ravaged everything in his freaky black forest accent. I think that's where they got the postmodern irony from.

>ask if they have The Grapes of Wrath as an epub
>head librarian tells me all epub copies have been lent out
>all they have are .mobi files and one leather-bound libram that can't leave the library seeing as it's been chained to a table
>photocopying cantraps cost two gems a page
I should have bought a kindle

>>22333990
>>22334173
>>22334253
>patronising a Swiss German library
you guys deserve everything that happens to you please stay away from children

>>22334265
>ask for epub
>librarian digitizes my body and sends me to an e-pub
>not 21 so I can’t even e-order an e-drink
>this wasn’t supposed to happen - turns out it was the librarians first day on the job
>library IT can’t figure out how to extract me
>stuck here until i turn 21 and the system allows me to physically leave

>mice got into the Robert Burns again
>were not dissuaded from their plans
it's bad

>want to get into the cookbook section
>the best cookbooks require you to be over 400lbs because nobody trusts skinny chefs
How is this not a civil rights violation?

I shot a gnome in Reno just to watch him die

>>22334322
Do you want to talk to the FDA omniphage in the research wing to complain? No? Thought not.

>>22334354
That guy is such a dickhead, recently I’ve heard he’s hired the ravens to spy on the Arcadian wing’s heroin trade. He’s got the poor archmage in shambles, he hasn’t had a psychedelic trip in months. Truth be told he struggles to waive a minor cantrip

>the library sheriff rounded up a posse to go after the Glanton book-thieves again
For fucks sake, I just wanted to read some Mishima and instead I’m driving a decoy wagon full of fake copies of the complete homeric cycle. They didn’t even allow me to ask the library wizard for some protective enchantments since that injun that runs with the Glantons can apparently “smell magic”.
>>22331661
Not since I started wearing the bones of the ones i defeated around my neck. The library tailor insists that is a violation of the dress code but fuck him.

>>22334497
>that injun that runs with the Glantons can apparently “smell magic”.
That's true, he's saving you from the magical negros in the Stephen King section when you cross the main lobby too

>>22334502
That section was never the same after the great council of 93’ ordered the destruction of the entire 7th floor’s coca plantations.

>>22334517
People who weren't there will never understand. It was necessary. The locusts would form clouds large enough to hide the elephants in the zoo.

>>22334556
That and the guys who misread Heart of Darkness always smelled pretty funky their third day into mutilating farm workers

None of this is real. You guys are all just posting made-up bullshit.

>>22334580

>>22334580
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PI3V0qn3I5M

What's the "that book" of your library?
>ask about The Suitor by Albey Witherspoon to any librarian
>they all seem to get uncomfortable and try to change the subject
>one day make a formal request to the chief librarian, Mr. Bigby, to view it
>he seems startled at the mention but nonetheless peers into his orb
>looks for a weirdly short time before proclaiming it's currently checked out
>says "I hope you have a pleasant day", not so subtlely telling me to leave
They're only making me more curious about that book

>>22325770
I did not tip our library wizard once, and let me tell you, there were serious consequences. He turned me into an old issue of National Geographic and left me near the bathroom for two weeks, where I was handled very inappropriately.

>>22334497
Quite possibly the best

>someone told the library gnostics about goetia and now they’re summoning demons to fight the demiurge
None of this would’ve happened if the librarians had seriously considered my suggestion of throwing anyone who visits the occult section more than a couple times a month into the Piranesian dungeons. Freeing the library djinn if he agrees to banish the demons is a stupid idea and the magical negroes won’t agree to seal off the resulting mess like they’ve done with the lovecraftian section

>the library jester has put his Pynchon teeth
Here we go again, the day is gonna be long

>>22335287
At least he stopped wearing the Sartre goggles. That stuff creeped me out.

>>22314631
>Studying in "quet" floor of the university library
>some chink starts eating and smacking their lips like some subhuman

Many such cases

>>22335350
quet is chinese for cafeteria what did you expect?

>>22335292
Or the Hitler stache. He did that bit for, I swear to god, 4 months

>>22315155
She has to eat all the eggs.

I took pity on a goblin who was missing a ruby for the vending machine one day and now he thinks we're friends? Every day he comes by my cubicle to bring me knick knacks, then he asks me to rattle my keys for him. It's not the worst thing in the world, but I wish I could read Evola in peace.
He's given me about 10 feet of shoelace.

>>22314631
We cannot get out. We cannot get out.
They have taken the bridge and the second hall. Many fell there bravely while the rest retreated to
to the 16th floor corridors. We still holding: but hope undying. Anons party went 5 days ago but today only 4 returned: the pool is up to the wall
at Westgate: the librarian in the water took chud - we cannot get out: the end comes soon, we hear drums in the deep. they are coming.

>Accidentally sit down at the witch's coven table
>The head witch gets mad at me and shrinks my dick with a magic hex
>Jokes on her I'm into it

Some guy broke his leg on the trampoline the other day. Fortunately the copy of tom sawyer he was reading was unharmed

>>22335363
Remember that time he found out about Popper and Wittgenstein with the poker and we couldn't have guest lecturers for half a year?

>every day I have to trek up the 700 steps of the newspaper comic tower
I don't understand why they refuse to install a funicula, like they did for the encyclopedia pit.

Reddit humor thread

>>22314631
gnome Chomsky is leading it.

>>22336307
mmmmmmm

>>22335545
Here likes Anon son of Anon, Lord of the library

/lit/ I think I checked out a cursed copy of Walden
>have had no appetite since I checked it out, have to basically force feed myself
>book seems to have a different weight every time I pick it up
>occasionally entire paragraphs will be replaced with just the letter v repeated
>try to return it early but get a piercing headache every time and it only goes away when I take the book back
>bring it up to the wizards but they just chuckle and return to what they were doing
they should really warn you about this shit

>>22336296
They moved those to periodicals and screenshots.

Someone keeps moving all of Najder's books to the psychopathology shelf. Is there some joke I'm missing out on?

>>22336565
Stay away from pigs, dude. I'm not kidding; do it at any cost. Even the petting zoo in the storybook section.

>>22336811
That's good advice for anyone. They've had a taste for flesh ever since a gnome fell in last year.

>>22336296
>a buzzkill has set up a glory hole in the whimsy section without a permit

Someone is selling horrifically deformed gnomes outside my library. He keeps calling them “smashed and slammed,” and I have no idea what it means nor why people keep buying them.
Which one of you was it?

>someone swapped all the Jack Reacher novels in the library airport with copies of Conspiracy against the Human Race
>again
Look, the last thing I want while waiting to catch the three o’clock zeppelin to the Alexandrian branch is reading about some loser complain about life.
>>22337032
>your library
So you’re that guy who set up a library on the 3rd floor bathroom. Why is it exclusively filled with self-help and copies Harry Potter and The Hunger Games?
>and I have no idea what it means nor why people keep buying them.
Every day or so I throw a couple of them into the trapdoor under the Kafka shelf. The growling coming from it was very distracting and whatever lives there is only appeased by smashed and slammed.

>the gabaghoul has been following me around ever since I started reading Dante in the original
How the hell do I make him go away? His rattling is very annoying and the constant smell of pepperoni is making me nauseous.

>accidentally astral projected myself into another urethra gapping session with Jane Austen

>niggers in my mind are making me post it again

>find an invite to the gnome orgy on top of the firewater cooler
>put on one of their faggot hats and attend to see if the rumors are true
>they are
>sideways vaginas
>mfw

>>22314742
Go be a regular on /tv/ 5-6 years ago and you'll get it.

I know this is a meme thread but my library fucked something up and said I checked out a book I unironically didn't, what do I do?

>>22336749
>Is there some joke I'm missing out on?
LoC shelving?

>beardlet
>can't afford a pointy enough hat
>low merriness
>mustache doesn't curl enough
It's so over for me. I'm going to be a gnomecel for life.

>>22336029
I had the opposite experience. An angry witch once made my dick 16 inches. Well, it was only for a week and I was turned into a donkey all that time, but at least I mogged all the minotaurs with this mighty rod.

>>22338395
Go there and shove the book into the librarian's face. The people on those jobs tend to be petty and will want to screw you up even over their own mistakes.

>>22327363
You have been swindled
That's not a bookmoth but what is called a "bre'thmonthon femme"
You may get some use out of it if youre a degenerate, but please be careful when procuring bookmoths and only get them from trusted bookmoth ranchers. Many try to pass off bootleg creatures as bookmoths, but I can assure you they will not behave the same and you'll end up with your whole library devoured (they'll learn nothing from it) and they'll fly off leaving you in ruins

>>22325469
>he doesnt know
I laugh and I kek and I lol

>>22325770
Europoors wonder why their wizards don't give a shit about their library experience and then will unironically say stuff like this

>>22326388
:') thank you anoen
I've packed my bags (my personal stuff that I brought with me and bought, nothing stolen) and will be returning to my homeland. You have awoken a craving in me to be loved again by my family, whom I had left behind in search of adventures and wisdom. Never has the sweet taste of my mother's bakery ghosted my tongue so heavily before. And I long to watch my nieces and nephews playing in the river from my old porch
Be blessed, kind soul, and find happiness and peace in abundance in this archive of knowledge and elsewhere you may go
Thank you, dear friend

>>22314943

>>22337373
Seems like giant insects love pitbulls, how unsurprising.

>>22327486
>what the fuck did I do wrong?
You stopped reading, you fucking mong

>>22327820
Holy shit I'm gonna go do this right now. Is there any way to garuntee it'll be a ravenharpie that falls for my lovebait? Do I need to get a specific subrace of gnome to tie up? I wouldn't mind other kinds of harpies, but I really love the dark feathers that ravenharpies have

>>22328736
The grunting is just the ghost of melville stroking it to gay shit, don't mind him. You're not in any danger except that of starvation or death from thirst, but there should be a fountain of remembrance around there somewhere. If you don't mind remember things you didn't do with every sip

>>22331661
If they were they'd be fucking corpses

>>22331855
You know what you have to do anon

>*walk into library bar carrying my personal copy of the Chronicles of Narnia - The Voyage of the Dawn Treader*
>I'll have a glass of milk, bartender, sir.
>largest size you have
>warm, of course
>direct me to your dedicated head on lap hair stroking station, thank you very much
>I will drink my milk out of a crazy straw while a lovely, well endowed, young blonde woman pets my hair and hums tunes from the Legend of Zelda and Runescape and Skyrim
>no need to offer me a comfy blanket, friend, I have brought my own
>yes, chocolate chip cookies will do just fine, thank you
>*procedes to have a KINO evening*

>>22338921
You know if you pay your wizard librarians a living wage they keep the antihomeless protection spells up all year. Just saying, America

>>22337388
He just wants to lead you on a journey through hell. He's basically discount Virgil tho. He won't tell you any lore or anything just point to stuff and say
>heh THAT looks like it would hurt
And other quips along those lines. If you've finished inferno, it's a decent trip to go on to get the experience, but you have to remember all the cantos so you know what's going on

>>22337937
Conefuckers get the rope too, you know.
Fucking grassburner

>>22339007
Dumbass my library wizard is paid more than any other professional in the damn place
I tip him because he deserves it. He's the best fucking library wizard on this side of the fucking mississippi. This place is spotless and full of SOVL because of him

>>22339028
Mine gives out free sandwiches

>>22338951
You can't ever guarantee who and what you will meet in the unsupervised sections of the library. But you can pick the gnome with the most shiny jewelry to attract your harpy. Just tie him up really well so he doesn't move and attract eagle harpies and don't do it at night or you're going to get an owl harpy. Maybe scatter gothic books around too, they love it grim.

>>22339087
>tfw ravenharpie and owlharpie doublewives

>library card membership expired while I was inside the library and the librarian knocked me out with the phenomenology of spirit and raped me with a strapon again
*sigh*

The last library I frequented 12 years ago used to have some small true crime museum attached to it. Used to be a bit freaked out walking around it as a kid but I thought it was rather interesting. I can only remember seeing a death mask put up on display, though, and not much else

>>22338395
Rape

>get leg extending surgery so that I'm not immediately thrown into the manlet pit upon entering the library (got sick of reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar so many times)
>fail the Norwood test
>only allowed to check out books by balding authors
At least we get Shakespeare.

>>22341575
We're getting a guest talk by Dean Norris soon. He's here to talk about The Decline of the West.

kys retards

>>22341784
>Kiss retards
New homo dropped. Take him to one of the generals.

>>22341798
On a first offense? I thought the new head librarian said we would be less draconian.

>still have $100+ in late fees over a decade later

>finally finish my book
>publish it, actually well received
>go to the library to see the fruits of my labor
>picrel.jpg
Yep, this is going in the book.

>>22338991
>>22338991
What is the literary equivalent of KINO?

>>22341968
Sounds like you need rape correction you little tart

I hate this faggot fucking gnome so much it I can't even express it in words. Asked him if he could point me towards the Goethe section yesterday and
>"Towards the *what* section?"
>The Goethe section
>Mmm, I'm not sure we have a "Go-eth" here, strange...
>What? Of course you do. This library doesn't have "Faust"? "The Sorrows of Young Werther"?
>Oh... Oh! OHOHOHOH-
he laughed like that for five fucking minutes, I swear to christ
>Hoho ohoho, oh my, oh dear, how humorous. Yes, yes, we have the collected works of Johann Wolfgang von *Gøːtʰə*, sir, ohohoh. They're just- they're jus- OOOOHOHOHOHOH-
he fucking laughed AGAIN
>Jus-Just down that way, in the 5300s, ohoho
If I ever see this smug midget cunt again I will feed him to the god damn pigs.

Gnomes are real

>>22342391

>>22342391
Uh, yeah. So are books, air, toilet goblins and pianos. Any other obvious things you want to tell us?

>>22342417
You're mean and arrogant and smug :'(

>>22342420
Welcome to |lit|

Word to wise, stay away from the glory hole in the epistemology annexe unless you want to get sucked off by the Globglogabgalag.

>>22342444
i’ll be honest if i’m gonna be sucked off by some weird mythical oddity i want it to be by something named Globglogabgalag.
Now I’m horny and curious.

>>22342510
https://youtu.be/hLljd8pfiFg

>>22342052
I just described it you silly goose

>library chef is making breaded deep fried mozzeralla balls at midnight again
I'm supposed to be on a diet bros
Why does this madlad keep making tasty snaccs so late??

why did faggot jannies prune the humor thread?

How do you people come up with this stuff

>>22343675
It’s all real.

>>22342381
kek

>sea lion exhibit is coming back
>everything reeks of fish
Why can't you savages clean up after yourselves?