/lit/ - Literature

>>22311586
All the very best, Anon!
Have an auspicious August.
;)

>>22311586
Needs work, show rather than tell. You are just saying "she is wearing X, this is Y, I have Z."

>>22311670
You’re a midwit who can’t write.

>>22311586
I would be a little more “immediate” with the opening line: “we’re still wired, practically skipping down the street, when a car splashes us. Josephine gets it the worst. Her (description) is soaked through, muddied. ‘Fuck, I just got this.’ It was a gift from…”

>>22311586
Find different ways to skirt 'round the he says, she says junk.

>>22311695
how would I do that? I already try to switch up the verb so it isnt too similiar.

>>22311670
how would I show what's being worn? would I need to dedicate a few lines to each outift, like I did with the shoes?
I understand the other points two and why you say that but i think that just saying what theyre wearing while still injecting some personality (like with the girlfriend comment) is good enough

>>22311586
Good flow and use of metaphor, but cool it with the American Psycho-style namedropping and maybe ease up on the adverbs a little

>>22311767
i read american physco last week, after not reading much of anything for 3 or 4 years so I see what you mean. I'll keep that in mind

>>22311771
At least you're honest about it! Check out Less Than Zero, I think that was BEE's best book. It's super short too, read nearly all of it in one hungover night

>>22311777
For sure, thanks for the recommendation bro

>>22311745
i would opt for a more visual medium -- think film, television, photography, etc.

>>22311689
>'Fuck, I got this...'
Retard.

>>22311849
retard. this is /lit, not /visual mediums/

>>22311586
This is one of the least pretentious lit writing samples I have ever read so I commend you for this. Geez maybe the secret to being a good writer is being middlebrow as fuxk.

>>22311586
>OP thinks he is a genius
>humble brags about how he shat this tripe out in an hour or two
Damn dude. You must be like...so smart...

>>22311586
A first person narrator that spend the first page of the story talking about his clothes sounds like a complete asshole and a boring one at that.

I think you have to start over from scratch. There's nothing at all interesting about this clothes or getting into a cab. You don't really think you're going to hook a reader with this, do you?

>>22311586
>Josephine, McKinley and I
into the trash

>>22311586
It's pretty good but it sounds monotonous. None of the fags here write anyway so you're atleast doing a bit better than them.

>>22313259
I see your point. At least until I'm more skilled I can't sacrifice the reader for the sake of the art, despite that being my strongheld belief when it comes to better works

>>22313271
How so? Most books I like are rather boring but pick up in the first few chapters

For being your first piece of writing, it’s very cool brother. If you enjoy it, keep up at it and keep honing your craft. Develop a taste and read novels analytically.

Most of the advice given here is retarded advice to give somebody who just wrote their first thing ever, there’s no point in being critical of something like this.

Keep at it anon, i was entertained by what I read.

>>22312669
thanks for the advice, ill keep it in mind