/lit/ - Literature

>DMT MACHINE ELVES?

Without a doubt, Call Of United Airlines.
His first 16 books are unedited pre-kindergarten gibberish & aren't worth the electrons it takes to store them on Amazon's servers.
But somehow, his 17th book is a vast improvement! Vastly fewer spelling/grammar/punctuation errors!
The MC is the usual self-insert, and the plot is the usual meandering dream-like incoherent babble, but you can't have everything.
So skip the first 16 garbage-tier books, and read Call Of United Airlines instead.
Even better, you can download it for free!
https://files.catbox.moe/aw9gz2.pdf
There are some rumors Gardner didn't actually write this, but I don't believe them...after all, who else in the entire world writes this crappy?

>>22305996
Lol

Who?

>>22306645
The guy who wrote “Call of the Crocodile”

>>22306651
What?

>>22306157
This is unbelievably bad. Who would subject himself to reading more than one page of this? Why is anyone even discussing him?

Okay, from the little bits and pieces I have read posted here every now and then his style of writing is shit but are the stories themselves any good? Any interesting ideas and shit like that or is it just fucked through and through?

>>22305981
Writers should see F Gardner as something of an inspiration, honestly. Somehow, this man is making a name for himself despite putting out book after book filled with dogshit prose, typos, and incomprehensible human behavior. And somehow his reviews on Amazon are in the 3-5 star range. Is it a "so bad it's good" situation? I have no idea, but he doesn't seem like he's quitting anytime soon.

>>22306948
No one is discussing him. Frank is a relentless shill-spammer that's gotten himself kicked off of nearly every web site on the Net.
>>22306958
No, he's like an edgy 6-year-old.
>>22307022
You're not making a name for yourself, Francis Edward.
Your reviews are phony; you've been busted for that before, and will be again.
And we know you're not quitting any time soon...after all, you're a jobless purposeless NEET with literally nothing better to do with your sad excuse for a life.
There’s something about knowing you’re useless that eats away at the human spirit, isn't there.

>>22307170
Imagine if Frank Gardner's parents had possessed even a slight scrap of backbone. If they'd just taught Frank the meaning of the word "no," then /lit/ would be a place where the four or five serious authors who simply want to find an audience for their craft could buy ads. They might make an occasional transparent shill thread but once they realized that didn't work, they would give up, like any sane or reasonable person would. Instead, because Frank grew up believing that he can get whatever he wants by simply begging for it hard enough, and because he simply cannot admit defeat, there's an entire cadre of idiots who would have never thought twice about /lit/ or even writing a book who are now convinced that they too can spam their way to success.

And he's literally never going to stop, because that would mean that he's been wrong for the last two years, and being wrong is something only losers do, and Frank's certainly not a loser. Frank Gardner is going to be 60 years old, still flushing his dad's money down the toilet to buy views for his inane youtube videos, still trying to convince aimless dimwits that they can get famous by pretending like he's famous. Every so often someone will think it's funny to encourage him, and that small spark of hope amidst the unending storm of mockery and indifference he has endured since the release of Call of the Crocodile will keep him going.

>>22306948
Call Of United Airlines is supposed to be bad–it's actually a parody of Gardner's work.
Which means that, if he wants to keep any shred of credibility, he has to respond with a parody of his own...as soon as he decides who wrote it.
The last time I checked, he was still flailing madly on who that is.
Also, he would have to demonstrate he's capable of writing anything but unedited pre-kindergarten gibberish...which he isn't.
So this parody will simply hang over his head, mocking him, while he seethes uselessly, unable to respond with anything but denial and his flaccid attempts at shill-spamming.
Checkmate, twerp. You've lost, and you're literally too stupid to realize it.

I'm so sick of this faggot.

>>22307170
>You're not making a name for yourself, Francis Edward.
Uh, okay. Literally was just acknowledging the guy's actually getting his work out there and apparently making money off of it while the rest of us are agonizingly chasing perfection. But go off I guess.

>>22307236
>getting his work out there
on 4chan...nowhere else
>apparently making money off of it
no his BSRs are in the toilet
his rich indulgent mommy and daddy fund his life, not his "writing"

he'd better get on with writing his, response because there's a much nastier parody in, the works that he'll never, recover from here's an excerpt:
----------
The wizard brings the belt up to Hank "OK now for this part of the ritual you have, to be blind folded because that's very, important for receiving all the wisdom of the ages" the wizard explains as a matter of fact. "I understand and even though I'm, a little scared I really want to know the secrets, of the universe and so I will do this" Hank assures even though he wonders what is about to happen.
The wizard ties his belt around Hank's eyes and makes a knot in, the back when in faster than an instant Hank smells a really, bad smell that seems to be coming from the, belt and his eyes begin starting to water. "Wow that smells really bad is this, really necessary I don't know if, I can take this for very long" Hank pleads even though he's in no position.
"Quiet you little bitch I mean the blindfold is part, of the test and it's also a crucible because the man who emerges, from this ritual will be different than the man who, entered and isn't that all anyone can really ask for" the wizard assures Hank of his wisdom.
"OK if you say so but I hope it doesn't, take too long to receive your wisdom because my eyes are, making tears and not because I'm sad" Hank tries to relate his newfound experience. "This is only the beginning because now you have to, suck the truth of the universe out of a tube and the tube is, smelly and wrinkly and it will be all you can do to with, stand it but it's absolutely necessary for the ritual" the wizard explains with his years of knowledge.
"If you say so" Hank acknowledges "I do and also you may hear me make sounds during, the ritual but those are just magic words in an unknown, language and are also necessary for making sure you get all, of my wisdom so are you ready to start" the wizard gives last minute instructions and now his voice is shaking even more than it was earlier when it was shaking a little and Hank noticed that it was beginning to shake.

>>22307308
"I am ready" Hank states and that is all he can say because then a, tube gets shoved in his mouth and as promised it tastes really, bad and Hank winces and hopes he received the wisdom really soon. "Ungngng" the wizard says as he begins the mystical incantation. The wizard says other magic words as the tube slides, in and out of Hank's mouth for reasons he can't understand but soon he, hopes he will and obviously it's part of the magic.
"No teeth!" the wizard suddenly shouts as the anger moves through his lips. Hank hopes he hasn't disturbed the ritual as he opens his mouth a little by a slight amount so that the magic can happen more better. It seems all is well as the wizard goes back to saying, magic words in the unknown language he talked about to Hank in, the past though to his untrained ears they mostly sound like moans.
The tube moves faster and faster then with a sudden motion it, moves slower and the wizard at the same time utters one long magic word that, sounds a lot like the other ones except for its length. Hank consults his memory and he believes that someone farted at about, the same time as the final magic word but he, can't smell anything that smells different than the tube.
The tube finally leaves Hank's mouth and Hank is grateful but then the wizard says with much weariness in his voice "swallow the wisdom and then the ritual is done". Hank realizes there is something slimy in his mouth but true to his devotion to the wizard he lets it slide down his throat and immediately realizes that something profound has happened.
"Why was it slimy" Hank asks even though he's in, no position to question the wizard "It's like ghost ecto plasm which, is also slimy there's a connection" the wizard imparts the profound truth. "Oh that makes sense so when do, I begin to start feeling the wisdom and oh yeah by, the way at what point can I see again" Hank doesn't want to sound ungrateful.
The wizard unties the blindfold which reveals to Hank the wizard standing, there and now he is sweating and looks tired which Hank decides is, probably the after effect of casting the spell all though he, doesn't want to ware out his welcome here.

>>22307308
>>22307311
Just remember if you go on Amazon you'll only have a week of shelf time.

>>22305981
very few people out of this shit hole know who he is