/lit/ - Literature

I dunno man, the story of God telling the guy to impregnate his wife is funny. The guy disobeys God and cums on the ground, so God opens the earth and has it swallow him.
Also the story of Eglon and Ehud is funny. Fat guy gets stabbed and the knife gets lost in his fat belly. He shits all over the place and dies.

>>22278388
Those are more sad than funny :/

maybe the humor doesn't translate well.

the story about the kids getting mauled by she-bears because they called a prophet "baldhead" is pretty funny

there are puns

>>22278413
No, it's not. It's inhuman.

>>22278373
There are lots of instances of humor in the Bible, but you have to be knowledgeable of the context of the jokes to appreciate them.

https://www.christianstudylibrary.org/article/bible%E2%80%99s-use-sarcasm-irony-and-denunciation

>>22278420
it's ridiculous to an absurd degree. to think that a prophet could get so angry at kids shouting
>go up thou bald head! go up!
that he prays to God for retribution, and then to have God grant it in such a vicious manner is hilarious

>>22278426
so true

>>22278373
>why isnt the bible like a marvel movie?

>>22278713
Why wouldn't there be at least some light hearted humor in an epic 2000 year old story told by dozens of people? There's humor in Greek myths and in eastern parables. Why not in the Bible?

>>22278413
They weren't killed for calling him bald, the "go up" is a reference to how Elijah ascended to heaven. They're threatening to kill him so that he will "go up" too.

>>22278373
old testament is all punny allegories

>>22278373
book is for jewish nutjobs who need to take their cult very seriously
they're allowed to mock only other cults
basically why is there no humor in Mein Kampf

>>22278759
>Why not in the Bible?
Well the Bible is written to be very concise so there that

>>22278373
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+11&version=NRSVA
>14 Then Jesus told them plainly, ‘Lazarus is dead. 15 For your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.’ 16 Thomas, who was called the Twin,[c] said to his fellow-disciples, ‘Let us also go, that we may die with him.’

Read nigga, read

The ending to Jonah always made me laugh.
> and should not I have regard for Nineveh, that great city, wherein are more than sixscore thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand; and also much cattle?
Maybe it's just the translation, but why the hell does it matter that there are 'also much cattle'? It's such a random fact for God to add. The idea that God would care less for Ninevah if they didn't have a bunch of cows is just funny to me.

>>22278373
>and god said let there be light…and there was light

Got a chuckle out of me

>>22278373
YOU have no sense of humor.

>>22278373
I know right? I thought Jews were supposed to be funny.

i was reading the bible and it made me laugh when the citizens of sodom and gommorrah wanted to have sex with lot and were like humping his house

>>22279149
Kek

There is a lot of humour in the Bible, you just have to look.

Surprised no one mentioned Jesus cursing a fig tree because it had no figs

>>22278373
They censored it, the original hebrew is full of humour, but of course, the anglos took out most of it in the King James version, because a holy book can't have jokes in it, or something.

Does God have an ego?
The answer is an astounding yes.

>>22278373
The book of Judges is a fucking farce dude.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YD6byswL7u8

>>22278839
And Jonah getting butthurt over the gourd is funny too.

>>22279207
top kek. saved

>>22278373
Its hilarious when Elijah is mocking the false prophets by claiming Baal is using the shitter.

>>22279207
Who makes something like this?

>>22279591
A gemcutter

>>22279577
Based

>>22278373
bro got filtered by the greatest comedy in history

>>22278373
The questions God asks people in the bible can be perceived as humorous due to how obvious or silly the answers would be.

>>22278373
are you fucking dumb
it's filled with wordplay
half of the old testament is presented comedically, it's a tonic to all the awful list of laws

>>22278373
In all seriousness, I couldn't stop laughing when I first read Matthew and the Jews were selling out, mocking, and condemning their own Messiah and even asking for his blood to be on their hands forever, throughout the generations. It's horrible what's happening, but the reality of the situation is genuinely comedic. Their salvation is right before their eyes in the flesh, they even use his proper title and dress him up as their king when they mock him, and there's just something so brilliant about this scene, and it leads to what is honestly one of the greatest passages I've ever read in any book, being the splitting of the veil of the temple. All of this, perfectly fulfilling everything their own prophet Isaiah had said they would do, yet they were completely blind to it, and still are, if you take the Bible as being true.
>>Mt 27:28-30
>28 And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe.
>29 And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews!
>30 And they spit upon him, and took the reed, and smote him on the head.
>>Mt 27:36-37
>36 And sitting down they watched him there;
>37 And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS JESUS THE KING OF THE JEWS.
>>Mt 27:41-42
>41 Likewise also the chief priests mocking him, with the scribes and elders, said,
>42 He saved others; himself he cannot save. If he be the King of Israel, let him now come down from the cross, and we will believe him.
>>Mt 27:45-54
>45 Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land unto the ninth hour.
>46 And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
>47 Some of them that stood there, when they heard that, said, This man calleth for Elias.
>48 And straightway one of them ran, and took a spunge, and filled it with vinegar, and put it on a reed, and gave him to drink.
>49 The rest said, Let be, let us see whether Elias will come to save him.
>50 Jesus, when he had cried again with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost.
>51 And, behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom; and the earth did quake, and the rocks rent;
>52 And the graves were opened; and many bodies of the saints which slept arose,
>53 And came out of the graves after his resurrection, and went into the holy city, and appeared unto many.
>54 Now when the centurion, and they that were with him, watching Jesus, saw the earthquake, and those things that were done, they feared greatly, saying, Truly this was the Son of God.

>>22278408
correct, somehow the babble/babel pun still exists
come into / come inside has somehow come full circle and is an innuendo again
"long of nostril" as a compliment also cracks me up

>>22278373
The OT is full of subtle humor. You must be an American. Mutts can only understand bombastic, obvious, and childish humor.

>>22280149
>mentions americans out of nowhere
obsessed

>>22278395
It's ok. The fat guy was an evil king

>>22278373
You missed all the references because you're not a jew from antiquity and speak neither ancient greek nor aramaic.

>>22278373
Doesn’t Isaac literally mean “he shall laugh”?

>>22278373
>Jesus says be nice and they nail him to a cross.

Fuckin' Legends!

>>22278373
“Moses,Tell the people I Am Who I Am”
“God I don’t think that’s gonna work”
“You’re probably right actually. Here, I have some magic tricks”

Titus 1:12-13a
One of the Cretans, a prophet of their own, said, “Cretans are always liars, evil beasts, lazy gluttons.” This testimony is true.

>>22278373
You bring up a good point I think, what I was thinking earlier was something like this; that humour is a human reality absent from the entire Abrahamic tradition.

What I mean by that is this, in the traditions all of human reality is brought into the story, we have meanings for anger and sadness and happiness, for suffering and reward and longing. The mindset of these religions can be very existential. And yet what I've found, is that nothing dispels existential dread like humour. Now I think we're getting close to the reason why humour is not included in this huge story of both cosmic, and inner consequences, it's that it's hard to write about and when you do it successfully it upends everything else.

Seriously, I could be thinking about suffering and hell and a whole host of important things, but if something is funny all that thought goes out the window. Life is very simple if you are in a state where lots of things are funny. Humour subverts everything and seems to speak to a reality that admits it doesn't understand itself, but just rejoices in the absurdities. It's in a way very similar to common sense, it grounds you. it reveals flaws in everything.

So I think it's actually an important observation why humour isn't a part of the bible, or a part of how Abrahamic traditions understand life and purpose. We have Gods wrath, Christs suffering, the Disciples joy at the resurrection etc etc. We have lots of those kinds of things.
But in pagan pantheons we had gods who are tricksters and jokers. Loki actually represents what I was saying earlier about subversion well. He's constantly upending the order of Asgard through tricks and jokes, sometimes with sinister consequences. But the main point is that humour in a mythos creates an element which doesn't jive well with things like dogma and absolute knowledge, it's too wacky.

how about herod giving a speech in phoenicia and the people exclaim
>it is the voice of a god!
and then the angel of the Lord appears and strikes herod down and he is eaten by worms.

It's my bedtime right now so I can't find the exact quotes, and I know it wasn't even meant to be funny, but I laughed out loud during Ezekiel when God showed Ezekiel visions of all the stupid blasphemies that the isrealites were doing in the temples as though they could hide it and get away with it, and God was fuckin pissed and said "Am I not good enough for you? Was it not enough that I took you from your bonds in Egypt?"
At the time, I took the tone as being akin to "dude come the fuck on, why are you all so stupid" and it made me giggle.

>>22280489
Sweet dweams anon.

>>22278373
Job is their comedy

>>22278373
The funny parts are when Mary tried to say she was immaculately pregnant, and Joseph fell for it.

Also when the sky daddy and crucifix boy told everyone that they listen to your prayers, then slept through the Holocaust.

Also, that part where you are supposed to let the priest take care of your ripe, young boy, while he takes him in back to play 'hide the sausage', err, I mean hide 'n' seek.

Hilarious and great fun!

>>22280132
>they even use his proper title and dress him up as their king when they mock him
Uh, yes, that's what happens at a scapegoating.
The truly hilarious thing is that it's the Christfags who don't understand what's going on. So much so that they actually founded a religion on it ...

>>22278373

>>22279207
I'm dead

>>22281164
lmao

>>22278388
First story made me kek

>>22281150
A monkey fits you well.

>>22278373
Dude, there are so many moments of humor. Did you even read it?

>Moses raising his hands and the Israelites winning the war. Dropping them because he's tired and they get owned by Amalekites
>Lot's wife looking back and getting turned into salt
>Abraham asking God to spare Sodom if there are 100 righteous people, then 50, then 10 then so on and so on
>The book of Job

>

>>22280397
Great points thanks

>>22280397
>Humour subverts everything and seems to speak to a reality that admits it doesn't understand itself, but just rejoices in the absurdities. It's in a way very similar to common sense, it grounds you. it reveals flaws in everything.
You put this so well. Although I wouldn't rule out humour being a sophisticated defense mechanism. Abrahamic religions, Christianity specifically, seem have in that regard overcome paganism, as it's one and only defense mechanism is love and gratitude.
Humour defends a cynic from reality. I don't think he ever comes to terms with the absurdities. For if he accepted them he'd stop viewing them so, well, cynically.

>>22278426
haircucks best not mess with the bald KINGS

>>22279207
The entire bible but written in a cartoon form with wojaks

>>22278839
>>22279490
Jonah is a comic satire of the prophetic books. It's pretty funny if you get it.

>>22279591

>>22279490
The "serious hat" sackcloth and ash is just gold

>>22278420
t. Stephen fry

>>22280726
Interesting that the immaculate conception child also cast out demons and was murdered as a heretic

Also, the sky daddy (tm) punished the Jews repeatedly through history. Egypt, Babylon, Rome etc etc

You’re blind to your own beliefs

>>22281164
Jewish women will do Anything to get what they want

>>22278420
There is literally no experience more human than a child getting mauled by a she-bear. Peak human experience IMO

>>22278839
God said animal rights.

>>22282005
>I don't think he (a cynic) ever comes to terms with the absurdities....
I agree. But what I'm not decided on is if that's actually a bad thing, to not be able to come to terms with reality.

>>22283268
The immaculate conception refers to Mary, not Jesus. Mary was conceived through the regular sexo, but it must have been immaculate sexo because it produced a child free from original sin. This is because in order to host the literal incarnation of the creator of everything, the host needs to be a perfect thing.

>>22283268
Oh, I'm far from blind! I have experienced God's love first hand! Betrayal, neglect, and horrible abuse from my family. Betrayal from everyone I have ever known or called friend.

A tortured marriage to a gaslighting narcissist, who's family abused and belittled me, ending in a divorce, followed by a year of unemployment, costing me the remaining portion of my retirement.

He is a great god... I can't wait to see him again, so I can punch him in the face for all of this!

>>22278420
>>22278426
>mock God's prophet
>get mauled by bears
lmao

>>22280149
Don't you have some idols to bow before and worship? You don't even believe God's words.

>>22278832
>NRSVA
Gross.

>>22279207
For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe. (1 Corinthians 1:21)

>>22283658
Sin is breaking the commandments of God, being born isn't a sin. Babies are innocent. "Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law." (1 John 3:4)

>>22281574
They believe their monkeys on blind faith, since we've never observed a monkey bring forth anything other than monkeys. Ultimately, they believe they came from a rock that came from nothing, which is fitting as well as their wit is as dead as a rock and nothing is in their heads.

>>22278373
Semitic culture is humorless, joyless pessimistic agony and horror at human existence which then copes with said negativity by saying "dont worry god will fix this trust the plan and cut your foreskin off.".

>>22283729
>babies are innocent
Not so according to the Augustine/Aquinas tradition which dominated western Christianity for centuries. Unbaptised babies are evil and go to hell. Aquinas tried to soften it by creating a place called limbo, where the babies might just drift around, but Augustine was more draconian.
It's an evil doctrine for sure.

>>22279577
>And they took the bull that was given them, and they prepared it and called upon the name of Baal from morning until noon, saying, "O Baal, answer us!" But there was no voice, and no one answered. And they limped around the altar that they had made. And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, "Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened." And they cried aloud and cut themselves after their custom with swords and lances, until the blood gushed out upon them. And as midday passed, they raved on until the time of the offering of the oblation, but there was no voice. No one answered; no one paid attention.
1 Kings 18:26-29

>>22278373
Admitting to the amount of sibling fucking in the Old Testament requires a certain amount of humor and lack of modesty blatantly bowdlerizing Sumerians as welly

Eli′jah came near to all the people, and said, “How long will you go limping with two different opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Ba′al, then follow him.” And the people did not answer him a word.
Then Eli′jah said to the people, “I, even I only, am left a prophet of the Lord; but Ba′al’s prophets are four hundred and fifty men. Let two bulls be given to us; and let them choose one bull for themselves, and cut it in pieces and lay it on the wood, but put no fire to it; and I will prepare the other bull and lay it on the wood, and put no fire to it. And you call on the name of your god and I will call on the name of the Lord; and the God who answers by fire, he is God.”
And all the people answered, “It is well spoken.”
Then Eli′jah said to the prophets of Ba′al, “Choose for yourselves one bull and prepare it first, for you are many; and call on the name of your god, but put no fire to it.”
And they took the bull which was given them, and they prepared it, and called on the name of Ba′al from morning until noon, saying, “O Ba′al, answer us!” But there was no voice, and no one answered. And they limped about the altar which they had made.

And at noon Eli′jah mocked them, saying, “Cry aloud, for he is a god; maybe he's meditating, or he has gone aside, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened.” And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their custom with swords and lances, until the blood gushed out upon them. And as midday passed, they raved on until the time of the offering of the oblation, but there was no voice; no one answered, no one heeded.

>>22281586
that time he fooled everyone that he could walk on water and duplicate fish and bread

>>22281586
what about when that dude almost sacrificed his son but then he smoked some weed and was like oh shit

>>22278774
They are doing multiple things in the statement. They are mocking the fact that Elijah was taken up into heaven, casting doubt on the miracle. They seem to disbelieve that it happened, and probably want people to think that he died a normal death. So their jeering statement for Elisha to also "go up" not only acts as mocking of God's miracle, but as you said, it also represents how they have a death wish for Elisha as well.

>>22278373
Humor does exist in the Bible. But there is definitely a distinguishment between the wisdom of God in bringing judgement upon wicked men, showing a sort of ironic humor, and the humor of men, which is rightly denounced as being shallow and vapid - quick to turn into mourning. Hence consider some of these passages:

"Why do the heathen rage, and the people imagine a vain thing?
2 The kings of the earth set themselves, and the rulers take counsel together, against the LORD, and against his anointed, saying,
3 Let us break their bands asunder, and cast away their cords from us.
4 He that sitteth in the heavens shall laugh: the Lord shall have them in derision.
5 Then shall he speak unto them in his wrath, and vex them in his sore displeasure."
- Psalm 2:1-5

"And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.
11 Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.
12 Therefore Sarah laughed within herself, saying, After I am waxed old shall I have pleasure, my lord being old also?
13 And the LORD said unto Abraham, Wherefore did Sarah laugh, saying, Shall I of a surety bear a child, which am old?
14 Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.
15 Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh."
- Genesis 18:10-15

"Blessed are ye that hunger now: for ye shall be filled. Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh.
22 Blessed are ye, when men shall hate you, and when they shall separate you from their company, and shall reproach you, and cast out your name as evil, for the Son of man's sake.
23 Rejoice ye in that day, and leap for joy: for, behold, your reward is great in heaven: for in the like manner did their fathers unto the prophets.
24 But woe unto you that are rich! for ye have received your consolation.
>25 Woe unto you that are full! for ye shall hunger. Woe unto you that laugh now! for ye shall mourn and weep.
26 Woe unto you, when all men shall speak well of you! for so did their fathers to the false prophets."
- Luke 6:21-26

"Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness."
- Proverbs 14:13

"It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart.
3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.
4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.
5 It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise, than for a man to hear the song of fools.
6 For as the crackling of thorns under a pot, so is the laughter of the fool: this also is vanity."
Ecclesiastes 7:2-6

>>22283680
You sound pathetic

>>22278373
Watch the movie The Name of the Rose to find out why Christians HATE comedy, spoiler alert: they think demons cause laughter, and laughter causes chaos, because God is not a laughing matter so you mock him whenever you laugh about anything related to his words or actions.

>>22286148
>find out why Christians HATE comedy
What about what it says in Proverbs?

"But ye have set at nought all my counsel, and would none of my reproof:
26 I also will laugh at your calamity; I will mock when your fear cometh;
27 When your fear cometh as desolation, and your destruction cometh as a whirlwind; when distress and anguish cometh upon you.
28 Then shall they call upon me, but I will not answer; they shall seek me early, but they shall not find me:
29 For that they hated knowledge, and did not choose the fear of the Lord:
30 They would none of my counsel: they despised all my reproof."
- Proverbs 1:25-30

>that time jesus changed his mind about not helping a gentile because the woman asked nicely (though he was obviously just trying to get rid of her)
>that time jesus went on a whole rant because he didnt want to wash his hands

>>22283729
>Babies are innocent
they have original sin, retard

>>22287278
The washing hands thing isn't normal watching your hands. It's highly ritual and specific Jewish law, I don't know the exact deal but you get, something like "the bowl must be made out of quartz or granite, the Lord will SMITE you if it's clay, the water must not be rainwater, that is an abomination to the Lord, each hand must receive an equal portion amounted to the volume of Abrahams foreskin." Things like that.

>>22287299
So babies are not innocent. Say that plainly and hear how stupid it is.

>>22278373
That story about 40 kids getting eaten by bears because they mocked some guy for being bald is kind of funny in a morbid way.

>>22278839
I think the scholarly consensus is now that all of Jonah is literally a satire. It's a big fish tale!

>>22287327
Doesn't matter. The same "scholars" also want to remove about 7% of the New Testament, which is where you find modern corrupted translations such as NIV comes from. They are clearly deluded and biased against Christianity.

>>22287303
Babies are not innocent; by being born they've inherited original sin. That's what baptism is for. Fucking retard. Unbaptized babies burn in hell for all eternity, which was later ret-conned to chillin' in Purgatory.

>>22287398
Spread the good news anon, Evangelion, the Gospel, rejoice, we have good news. Babies go to hell.

>>22287408
>Babies go to hell
Not according to the Bible, specifically 2 Samuel 12:23 and Job 3:16-19.

>>22287454
>>22287408
educate yourselves you stupid christcucks (i'm no longer christian because i don't believe in the forgiveness of any sins)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Original_sin

>The biblical basis for the belief is generally found in Genesis 3 (the story of the expulsion of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden), in a line in Psalm 51:5 ("I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me"), and in Paul's Epistle to the Romans, 5:12-21 ("Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all people, because all sinned").

>Augustine believed that unbaptized infants go to hell as a consequence of original sin. The Latin Church Fathers who followed Augustine adopted his position, which became a point of reference for Latin theologians in the Middle Ages. In the later medieval period, some theologians continued to hold Augustine's view. Others held that unbaptized infants suffered no pain at all: unaware of being deprived of the beatific vision, they enjoyed a state of natural, not supernatural happiness. Starting around 1300, unbaptized infants were often said to inhabit the "limbo of infants". The Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1261 declares: "As regards children who have died without Baptism, the Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them. Indeed, the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved, and Jesus' tenderness toward children, which caused him to say, 'Let the children come to me, do not hinder them', allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without Baptism. All the more urgent is the Church's call not to prevent little children coming to Christ through the gift of holy Baptism." But the theory of Limbo, while it "never entered into the dogmatic definitions of the Magisterium [...] remains [...] a possible theological hypothesis".

>>22287504
We both know all that garbage anon. I'm just saying how stupid it is.

>>22287504
>(i'm no longer christian because i don't believe in the forgiveness of any sins)
thank you for reminding me of why I come here

>>22285600
Yes... Well you sound like a frustrated transexual with a botched transition surgery!

Fuck off and step into traffic!

>>22281164
>one of her hands has already been amputated
this bitch don't learn