/lit/ - Literature

>>22209304
The final chapter of "Part I" of the Kill List comes out this coming Friday. For those interested in a high fantasy revenge-turned- intrigue/eventual cosmic horror , please give it a shot sometime. https://www.royalroad.com/author-dashboard/dashboard/54622

All feedback is valuable at this point, as I sit down to revise and edit these first 180 pages before continuing the story.

>>22209325
Jeeze, how did you get so many reviews? I posted my story up for 2 months and got 1 review. YOu have it up for 2 weeks and get 18.

>>22209325
Electric sparks whizzed off from the contact point between Derek's skateboard and the wicked iron handrail he was thus grinding. The sun warbled oppressively, demanding great curtains of sweat from Derek's steadied brow and massive clamshaped pitstains on his homemade Thrasher t-shirt which fluttered oversized in the sticky wind like a pirate's flag.
"Wicked," Sam remarked. "Really inspired stuff, D." He held in his right hand a digital camcorder, purchased second-hand, if not third or fifth, once presumably gray when new but now the plastic strangely blued with age.
"Shut up," Derek kissing blood from his elbow and standing up from the pavement, throwing up the bird at the camera lens. Sam sprang up and to the left, shadowboxing a mean left hook to which Derek failed to react, standing as he was, frozen at the sight of what lay just behind where Sam had been sitting: there, beneath a comically angelic ray of light breaking through the clouds as if to announce her, stood the most perfectly ridiculous girl Derek had ever seen --- her figure exciting things in Derek which Sam would describe as primordial, the salmon's libido, sublimation, basically a want so total so as to forget, for a moment, everything else --- forget anything that wasn't her auburn hair, hips cocked against the wind, the cheeks he could see blushing even from across the park--- forgetting even the likelihood that she had most assuredly seen him eat shit just now, that she was much too good looking for him, or that here Derek stood leering like a statue, the perennial asshole, making the same vulgar gesture as before but now as if at her, the babe, who for all Derek's horror stared back, struck still. Was it disgust curling her lip? Or the siren song of the bad boy, bleeding seductively in the city streets? One could only hope. Slowly, like a cowboy holstering his gun he retracted his middle finger, he waved, and placed the offending hand in his jeans pocket. In the mere moment in which he looked back to see if Sam was in fact getting this, and back to the girl, she was gone as suddenly as she had appeared, the light dimming in her absence. Sam began to formulate some shithead remark on the vagaries of the human heart, thought better of it, and offered his friend a cigarette instead, Derek himself wondering if he hadn't hit head just one too many times.

Retooling an older work of mine, tell me if it's passable.

https://files.catbox.moe/ocawck.pdf

>>22209325
i'll check it once i have time. i bookmarked it.
ps:the anon who asked about the coup overlapping trope. I am sure you wrote something cool. Keep it up my guy

>>22209331
To be fair, I'm an idiot and posted a screenshot from a review of my short story collection. The Kill List has been posted since last summer, and every few chapters I'll go out and offer review swaps to other writers on the site. It's a good way to get your story seen-- but I feel like people are extra nice as a way to ensure good reviews.

I always make it a point to state that I'll be honest in my feedback, and I hope others are with me as well, but yeah, they've been very generous.

>>22209335
put it on pastebin nigger i aint downloading pdfs that might have viruses

Anyone want to read and review any of my short stories?

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/70608/the-might-of-zareth-and-other-short-stories

>>22209325
I'd like to add to this-- feedback doesn't have to be provided via RR. I lurk the thread every evening after work, and would be happy to see critique provided here just as much as I'd like to see it on RR.

>>22209341
Just scan it with Windows Defender, pansy

>>22209304
How much would you say you favor more simple, straight to the point prose vs more flowing, eloquent vocabulary? Like Joe Abercrombie vs Robert Jordan, for instance. I recently binge read both of their stuff and I've ended up with a style that is sort of a mishmash of both and I'm not sure I like it. Considering reading jap light novels now to slog my style back to where it was since I'm not liking how it's developing. Can post an excerpt if anyone's interested.

>try to make the most generic superhero highschool story ever
>make the heroine and best friend of the MC the same character by having them gender bend whenever they sneeze

I'll never please Onii-dono like this

>>22209377
I gotta use both. I like complex prose but I try to be restrained as much as I can.

>>22209377
it depends on the story. A silly story about 5 boys trying to find the perfect hamburger recipe is going to have a different prose than a Christian Monk traveling to China and observing Buddhist practices

I'm writing a narcissist character. What animal would be a good metaphor?
>boa constrictor
>chameleon
>hyena
>peacock
>mosquito (would do leech but I need it to have eyes)
>lion
>spider
>fox
Or maybe another animal?

>>22209456
Certainly, it's crucial to note that attributing specific traits to animals in a metaphorical or symbolic sense can be subjective and depends a lot on cultural context. However, from a traditional perspective and in line with common symbols in literature, here are five animals that might be chosen to symbolize a narcissistic character in a novel:

Peacock: Peacocks are renowned for their majestic and vibrant plumage, which they fan out in a display meant to attract mates. This behavior can symbolize vanity and showiness, which are common traits associated with narcissism.

Cat: Cats are often seen as aloof and independent, seeming to demand attention and care on their own terms. In literature, they can symbolize narcissistic traits due to their self-centeredness and perceived aloofness.

Lion: Lions, as the "king of the jungle," can symbolize a narcissistic character's need to be the center of attention and their belief in their superiority. This majestic animal is often associated with power, confidence, and authority, which can easily tip into arrogance and self-obsession.

Fox: Foxes are often depicted as clever and cunning in literature. A fox could represent a narcissistic character who is manipulative, always trying to outsmart others for their own benefit. Narcissists often view themselves as smarter or more cunning than others, a trait that foxes can symbolize.

Magpie: Magpies are known for being attracted to shiny objects, collecting them to decorate their nests. This could represent the materialistic side of a narcissist, who often craves admiration and may be attracted to physical symbols of status and wealth.

Remember, though, these are just interpretations and can be handled differently depending on the story and its cultural context. Any animal can symbolize anything if the narrative supports it.

>>22209366
>just go out on your way to do my a favor
No.

>>22209465
That Anon wasn't me. Is pastebin really the preferred method here?

>>22209469
It's the simplest way to post big blocks of text without shitting up the whole thread afaik

Is it possible to still write the words "among us" without it sounding weird? I'm scared to do it.

>>22209479
Pastebin is whining about adult content and won't let me publish.

>>22209479
would you consider short excerpts like >>22209333 thread shitting also? now that i think about it pastebin may be superior in every regard, besides say immediacy

>>22209335


https://pastebin.com/CsPZ998F

>>22209512
A single post isn't shitting up the thread if it's not umprompted.

A pastebin is 50-50, some will read it, some are too lazy.

If you post an excerp in post, at least some anons might read it straight up.

>>22209462
Thanks for the buzzfeed article

>>22209517
and trying to use it now for a longer piece, get pic related lol

>>22209537
You have to make an account and publish it as a private entry. Annoying ain't it?

>>22209537
Yeah, it can be annoying but its still the best we've got. You can also post google doc files but that's kinda gay imo

>>22209456
Have you considered that the reason you are having difficulty with this task is because the answer is "none," or, depending on your perspective, "all of them?"

Narcissism is one of the most improperly-used terms in recent history. At it's core, it really is nothing more than
>an exaggerated and/or obsessive preoccupation with one's self-image and self-interest
with
>at the expense of others
usually being the defining line between calling someone "narcissistic" as opposed to "selfish/self-absorbed."

Most people are narcissists by these standards to some degree, especially when young.

However, if you're talking about pathological narcissism, then you basically need

>the above
and
>extreme insecurity
>extreme grandiosity, fragility, or both
>extreme emotional immaturity

I write all of this not to explain something you can research in much more detail yourself, or to suggest that you don't know what you're talking about or writing, but consider >>22209462 Anon's nice little list of standard cultural anthropomorphisms. Do you notice how all of it is essentially derived or perceived behaviors of narcissists, instead of narcissism itself? Kitties can be aloof, foxies clever, peacocks showy, etc. You don't need to be a narcissist to behave in such ways.

If you are absolutely dead-set on an animal, though, the only one that can work is a monkey. Consider Ms. Coulter's golden monkey daemon as an example (it's the only thing that comes to mind).

>>22209335
I read the first three paragraphs and stopped.

Firstly, why in fuck are you formatting your dialogue like that? Are people doing this now? If I cannot plainly follow who is speaking without a *really* good reason for it, I get very annoyed--I got annoyed reading your disgusting blob of speakers and decided it wasn't worth reading any further. Use standard formatting until you understand why its standard formatting and then maybe you get good enough to play with it like Cormac.

Additionally, I get the cool factor of blood as currency, but you really should take a little time and effort to explain how something like that is feasible. I can suspend my disbelief to a degree, but are there no more mines or mining? Is it illegal to barter or trade in precious commodities? Is there a "minting" process to "blood currency," or can I pop my vein open and effectively print money? I have these questions and I want some answers--and if you answer them later, put them at the beginning. You can take a little more time to develop this concept other than "we threw all of the metal into the ocean (why???????) and now blood is the currency, okay?"

>>22209655
Kek, nta but I like your critique anon. Dunno if it's cus its 4 AM here and I haven't slept in 18 hours, but I found it side-splittingly funny.

>>22209655
>>22209456
>>22209462
I think peacock works the best. Peacocks are both proud and preening,and can also be very territorial and aggressive when challenged, just like real narcissists. Remember I was at a wedding once and a fucking peacock came and popped my uncle's tire because it got pissed at its own reflection in the rims. Disgusting birds, good metaphor.

>>22209670
Peacocks are just gay turkeys

>>22209655
Hmm, what do you mean by "blob?" I wasn't trying to be obtuse with the speakers and I thought I made who was saying what fairly obvious. Like, the only way to be more obvious is just to have "Is that so", said Character X, "Yes it is", replied Character Y. And link me this standard formatting you're talking about.

>>22209304
I'm writing this treatment for a film. The entire story is now complete, just needs to be polished for clarity/prose. I have been told by everyone who's read it so farct that its kino, but I want /lit/'s opinion. If it's actually good, I'm going to go all in on a screenplay, even if the chances if optioning are near zero (may the writers strike go on forever)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GxHTajL5wDvQhOdTtszHZtcPVh2DUyzN1SKlRbBmP78/edit?usp=drivesdk

>>22209732
>>22209655
Oh, I think I see what you mean. New paragraph for each new speaker. I wasn't trying to be experimental or needlessly vague.

>>22209732
>>22209773
I'm editing your words here into standard formatting for dialogue. This was a gigantic paragraph. It should be:

“Brother Brounde!”, the Supreme Sibling Desnion called out to me. “You are hereby tasked by the General to guide the Plebian Branch to the Independent Kingdom of Trunchet and neutralize their Runiertian supply! I shall send two Saboteurs and a lay advisor with you!”

He paused.

“Also,” he said, almost as an afterthought. “You shall be accompanied by Sister Sabarene. She has recently made her commitment to the Plebian Branch.”

A frail white haired girl stepped forth, clad in the black robes of the Plebian Branch. A gloved right hand formed into a salute.

“S-sister Sabarene, reporting for duty! Please take care of me, Sir!” [said the young woman.]

You don't need my [...] addition, but it's usually appropriate to name each speaking character at least once. Really no reason not to do it (what if it's an imposter Sister Sabarene?)

Out of curiosity, have you ever read a story or book that doesn't format the dialogue this way? Genuinely curious.

>>22209670
I'm glad you had a chuckle. I'm also glad that Anon recognized it was sincere advice and not baseless disparagement.

If the narcissist is indeed a beautiful person, with such attitudes, then of course, a peacock is a perfect anthropomorphism. It's cliche for a reason, which is why Anon probably wants to avoid it, but anthropomorphistic metaphor/symbolism is about as cliche as it gets as it is, so it really shouldn't be the problem Anon might think.

Personally, I think peacocks are beautiful when their long "?tail" feathers are behind them like a cloak, or when they are flying. They're less interesting when fanned out behind them. I guess I have never thought too hard about them being the males of the species, though (which has now given me a moment of pause).

based crit anon, can you crit me. i posted the skateboard bit.

>>22209784
Thanks, I get what you're saying now. I've read plenty, but with writing I've been trained in single spaced paragraphs for research papers. Bad habit I have to break

>>22209800
It will be very easy to do, no worries. Work on your draft and repost it and I'll happily read it again.

>>22209796
If you're asking me (I assume so), then yes, I will. I need to make a short errand before stores close so give me a moment to do so--I don't like rushing such things as constructive feedback. If I may ask, is there anything you want me to take a look at, specifically?

Are VNs /lit/ or is it more /v/ thing?

Now don't fuck with me because it's a visual NOVEL. If audiobooks belong on /lit/ I think VNs might.

>>22209820
nothing too specific, no, you just seem thoughtful.
one thing i guess, im unsure if "thus grinding" ought to be "thusly grinding" or something else. there are a few obvious errors, like "hit head" instead of "hit his head."
and too i'm perhaps embarrassed to be writing about an attractive woman. i hope that bit comes across altogether not too schmucky

>>22209753
I've read the 1st half.
Pretty good homage to mid-1960s style James Bond.
Not sure if it's modern enough to attract present-day attention, but hey, I like it.
The only real advice I have is to increase the action...money laundering may be too dry of a topic to keep the kids' attention.
I'm not thrilled that attention spans just seem to get shorter and shorter, but it's the way of modern times.

>>22209846
Talk is typically relegated to /v/ or /vg/ but I personally don't think there is any problem with discussing visual novels here. Though some anons may disagree

>>22209889
Don't worry it's not really about money laundering it's about nerve gas

>>22209894
I think the novel part itself fits on /lit/ fine but the full package belongs on /v/.

Common advice for people getting into writing is that if you want to be a good writer you need to read and write a lot, is it possible to substitute the reading part with listening to audiobooks? I don't see any benefit that you'd get from physically reading a book other than maybe you'd get a better understanding of how punctuation works.

I started writing a novel over fifteen years ago (I'm an oldfag) and through the thicks of alcoholism and recovery, through the thins of metamorphosis, turning myself into real person and healing my mind, I've stuck with the story. I've neglected it, unquestionably, but never given up on or abandoned it. Instead of harming, the plot and characters having time and room to grow without incessant pruning has seen the story evolve and richen beautifully. And now I'm about to make my final charge at completing the dang thing.
I bought a great computer a week back, upgraded it to max, bought the all the software and hardware to go with my impromptu little desk setup, and got it all set up just yesterday.
I'm on page three of the rewrite of the one hundred fifty-seven I have typed, and when I'm burned on that I'll be transcribing the stacks of notebooks I've done the vast majority of my writing in. After triage and rewriting of that stuff, I should be shorty hair away from shopping this insanity.
Feels good, bros. I'm excited.

>>22209911
Can't speak for everyone, but I don't think I'd get the same benefit from listening as I would reading, If you wanted to be a verbal storyteller, you would need to listen to other story tellers; if wished you be a written storyteller, well, you need to study the art of written stories. Just because text is read aloud doesn't mean it's good.

>>22209900
Yeah, I read the rest of of it.
I like the homage to mid-1960s James Bond, but wonder how that'll be received in modern times.
I'm not a fan of modernity either.

>>22209335
>happenstance
Anon is speaking the language of Gods.

>>22209341
Just use Firefox, bruv. it automatically opens the pdfs in the browser itself.

>>22209937
I think we're due for a comeback. Hollywood has to crash to rock bottom first, and hard reset. Good news; we're almost there

>>22209952
I wish you all the good fortune with your project.

>>22209922
But what benefits would reading a story over listening to it really have?

>>22209959
Understanding the feeling of prose, and the construction of it. Consciously being aware of the variety of words used to describe the same object. Etc.

>>22209956
Thanks

>>22209962
>Consciously being aware of the variety of words used to describe the same object.
Surely you could get this from an audiobook.

>>22209333
>>22209861
I prefer to avoid being perscriptive whenever possible, but here are my thoughts.

>Electric sparks
This makes me think of arcing electrical current. If this is metal-on-metal, "metallic sparks" is more appropriate, or you could descibe the quality of the sparks themselves (coloration, intensity, etc.)

>thus grinding.
Just "grinding." Or describe the grinding if you would like, "skillful," "sloppy," "risky," etc.

The sun warbled
>warble is usually used to describe sonic phenonmena, but it can apply to anything that oscillates. The sun usually doesn't oscillate, however.

>like a pirate's flag.
Really nice image here, though a flag is usually flown unfurled and rectangular. Perhaps consider qualifying this is some way--"as if wreathed in a pirate's flag."

>He held in his right hand a digital camcorder, purchased second-hand, if not third or fifth
This is a setup for a potential case of repetition
>The digital camcorder in his right [hand], purchased second-[hand] [and wielded offhand (pulled this out of my ass--I don't love it and am only putting it here as a sample endcap)]
You may hate this and ignore it, but commerical writers pepper little constructions like this throughout their work for good reasons. I don't do it without good reason, and do not take this as a recommendation--I only recognized the potential and wanted to point it out.

>Sam had been sitting: there,
Semi-colon instead, or semi-colon and paragraph break for a potentially neat effect.

>seen --- her
Remove the spaces between em-dash and the words. This is a really neat construction. Consider revising it further to make each phase follow a pattern or structure. Repetition would actually be highly appropriate here (moreso than the cheaper suggestion beforehand, because now there is *purpose*), and you already have "forget/forgetting."

>which Sam would describe as primordial
I understand what you mean but this sounds like they have a sexally-physic link.

>the salmon's libido
What does this mean?

>Slowly, like a cowboy holstering his gun he retracted his middle finger, he waved, and placed the offending hand in his jeans pocket.
Excellent. You've used pirate imagery and now cowboy imagery, and I like the association of those images with punkiness, youth, rebellion, etc. This is very good. When I revise my work, I look for these things so that I can work to bring out themes (always subtly, as is my style). These are what a professor once referred to as "unities," and in my opinion, the mastery of using such things deliberately (and, to my taste, in a restrained manner) is the line between competant writing and *good* writing.

>>22210016
I personally can’t. Maybe you can.

>>22210017
I read this and am now intrigued, and would read more. I really like how intuitive your actions and descriptions are, and I can fully realize the action of these characters and this scene. Aside from the appear/disappear trope (it's okay to use it, though) which I don't know if supernatural or not (the primary reason I want to read more after just this little bit), this reads like an event grounded in reality with details that give it an endearing charm. Do you have more to this story?

>>22209911
This Anon >>22209922 is right. Audio may help with storytelling skill. That is not synonymous whatsoever with writing ability.

>>22209917
Congratulations on your recovery--that's awesome. Best wishes with the editing, re-editing, and shopping. :)

>>22210028
>That is not synonymous whatsoever with writing ability.
Other than prose which I agree with >>22209962 on, what writing abilities could you improve upon by physically reading a book though? Punctuation is the only other thing that comes to my mind.

>>22210017
thank you for this. i especially like what you said about unities, i will remember that. and for the formal feedback, too. i appreciate your generosity anon.
>>22210028
thank you : ) there is some preceding but not much to follow yet except them back at Sam's apartment, a description of an aloe plant. the woman is meant to be a little supernatural, yes, in the way that a young woman is for a young man, like an angel

the salmon's libido was hoping to refer to salmon runs, where the fish swim upstream against the river to spawn in the shallows

>>22210041
word choice, rhythm, ideas, dialogue, a whole lot of things

>>22209377
I like third parson because I don't have to think about that. I just write in my character's voice. I also like to have my character expires opinons on events and others. It made my prose better and essayer for me to write.

>>22210110
>word choice, rhythm, ideas, dialogue
You can get all of this from an audiobook.

>>22210135
Then you do you. Listen to a bunch of books then write. You'll be a master in no time.

>>22210135
If you don't want to read then don't. Sheesh.

>>22210149
>>22210147
I don't know why you're being assholes about it, I'm fine to read, I was just wondering if you could get the same shit from listening instead.

>You'll be a master in no time.
I'll be a master no quicker than if I were to read a book instead.

>>22210081
>>22210089
Those were both my posts; I had to cut that last bit due to character limits.

>i especially like what you said about unities, i will remember that
That concept is one of the most important I received from formal education. I am glad to pass along the concept and I hope it serves you well.

>the woman is meant to be a little supernatural, yes, in the way that a young woman is for a young man, like an angel
Perfect.

>the salmon's libido was hoping to refer to salmon runs, where the fish swim upstream against the river to spawn in the shallows
I understand now, and this is a great metaphor. It just needs a little bit of elucidation--just a little bit, an additional word or two--so an audience can make that connection so long as they are familiar with the salmon reproductive cycle. I am familiar with how salmon breed, but I didn't make the connection myself--in hindsight, it is obvious, but I also have had the luxury of asking the author.

>>22210041
>>22210135
You cannot, not to the same degree. It's not even comparable, really. As >>22210110 has tried to explain in more detail than I offered (I would like to add structure and syntax to that list), reading written words is the only way you are going to grow your capacity to understand written words. Spoken words are different than written words. You are perfectly free to live with the delusion that listening to words being read is the same as reading. I hope you do not continue to do this, but if you're not capable of seeing the distinction yourself, plainly, then I really see no further reason to belabor the point.

>Had something really good that I wanted to write.
>Procrastinated.
>Forgot what it is.
Fuck.

>>22210204
Just get into similar mindset you had. Retrace yours steps. Was it an entire plotline or just a scene? A character? Think about that.

Honestly it couldn't be me, my entire mind is a library of scenes ready to write and I don't need need notes - I understand not everyone is the same and it's a special thing about me.

I literally offered to pay people to read my book and it didn't work.
it's over. fuck it.

How do I get over the innate cringe I feel when writing love based drama?

I feel uncomfortable even typing up the draft of the story I wanted to write

>>22210158
I would like to side with you but no one is explaining the "why", you're all just saying "Yeah, it's different" but no one is telling me why.

>>22210325
Why do you think you feel cringe about it?

>>22210325
By making the characters actually have a reason to be in love.

If it's a natural consequence of things it'll be less cringe.

>>22209456
Certainly peacock.
Snakes are too sneaky and boas are too strong.
Hyenas are cruel
And chameleons always belong
Mosquitos are hungry and only want fuel
Lions are proud and would die in a duel
Leeches are slime
And spiders can climb
Ana a fox is too fine to exist in a rhyme.

>>22210330
I think I feel like I'm a teenage girl writing out her fantasies when I write that stuff

>>22210331
Is there a way to do love at first sight and have it be natural?

>>22210462
>Is there a way to do love at first sight and have it be natural?
No because that shit doesn't exist. It's not love.

You can have characters fuck and be amorous for a little bit, but that's not love. They just want to fuck. A lot of fucking and then """"""love""""" dying out is how it goes.

>>22210325
>>22210462
Read Romeo and Juliet anon. Or any other great romance written by a fella. It doesn't have to be "Uwu he looked at me and bit his lip I'm gonna coom"

>>22210475
>Read Romeo and Juliet
The original tripe that everyone just ate up.

Is a wicked stepmother thing too cliche now, and a good stepmother the preferred one?

>>22210496

Good day cunts, time to edit my 3rd chapter today. Hope i can finish 3k worth of words and hit like 7-10k word while writing. Kudos to all GMI >>22210506
Oh well it always was but you can fix it by changing the trope

>>22210506
Who cares if it's a cliche thing? If you can write it well then no one will care.

>>22210462
>I think I feel like I'm a teenage girl writing out her fantasies when I write that stuff
Why is that a bad thing? If it's really what you enjoy reading and writing then go for it, there's a huge audience for that shit out there.

How would you guys write polyamorous relationships?

>They never work anyway!

Then how would you write them falling apart.

i'm curious about your take on polyamorous relationships and how people get affected (Open relationships, 3 people dating each other or 2 dating one person)

I enjoy writing them and already have something in mind but i'm curious how my fellow writers would write them either falling apart or a sweet love story

>>22210352
That was really nice

>>22210516
>>22210537
I wonder what kind of spin on it I could make

>>22209489
All in your head. The most people won't even remember this meme, and the vast majority will have never even encountered it to begin with. It persists in your mind only as an artefact of your own experience, and it would be silly to project that onto others.

>>22210629
That's completely up to you, dig deep into your mind and come up with something, the crazier the better. Use the "what if?" method.

>>22209959
Like a lot of apparently simple questions, this is tricky to satisfactorily answer, and I feel sure that I am not smart enough to do so, so by way of analogy, think about how different it feels to talk to a friend in person versus having a conversation over text message.

>>22210496
kek

>>22210562
Hmm, seems like you are inching towards answering your own question, Anon. My question in response would be, how would *you* write it?

>>22210668
>I enjoy writing them and already have something in mind

if you must know its about a group of 3 slaves all dating each other Wip names White, Grey, And black.

Black loves white because he's free and somewhat naive about the world and slavery due to him being raised as "house slave" and having to take care of an old lady

White is new to the trio while Grey and Black we're dating before white came along, Grey always acted like someone who kept him stable and not be so angery he's a bit of asshole when signing. but has a lot of anxiety around being seprated from his lovers due to enslavement

Black have selective muteism and doesn't speak and only uses sign lanuage Grey translate for white while only white has a limted number of signs he can understand from black.

Black and grey worry about white because he doesn't understand how bad slavery is.

Grey keeps the group calm and from blowing up.

Grey loves white because of how sweet he is and pure. Black of course worrys about white because of these same reasons

In the story white escapes unknowing of what he's doing and he might be killed for trying to escape so Black and Grey must find him.

I already have a story in mind anon

>>22210659
>think about how different it feels to talk to a friend in person versus having a conversation over text message.
Not very different at all.

How do I fix clunky prose?

>>22210562
The closest thing I'd ever write to shit like that is two girls being after same guy.

In fact, I should probably write that. Straight up romance story with a complicated relationship.

>>22210700
Try to invert sentences, delete some words, think about if you can't say something with a single word.

>he ran very quickly
Sprinted. Bolted. So on.

>>22210295
Then post it online for free.
People these days are drowning in content; it's very difficult to draw any attention to yourself or your work.
I'm getting practically no attention for my two novels, so I posted them in their entirety on RoyalRoad and ScribbleHub.
I got one sale from ScribbleHub, which is a sale I wouldn't have had otherwise, so it was worth it.

>>22210472
No, love at first sight exists.
It's a feeling that can't be mistaken for anything else.
It's happened to me twice in my life, but both times, there were insurmountable barriers to making good on that feeling.
Still, I had close relationships with both of them...just not frisky ones.

>>22210516
I haven't even written down 1 word FUCK. What is wrong with me

>>22211004
I wrote maybe a hundred words earlier but not I'm procrastinating and watching bullshit on YouTube.

>>22210999
that was just a chick that made ur peepee feel a way that other chicks havent made ur peepee feel in a long time. even if you had some higher level attraction like wow I need to know this chick's mind nah, it's still ur fucking peepee it aint love

>>22210562
You're asking a bunch of 4chan incels how to write complex romantic relationships?
Really?
If WattPad has forums, you should be asking this there.

>>22211009
by procrastinating i am literally doing same thing like you, watching bullshit on youtube.

>>22211011
"Love at first sight" wasn't a feeling in my peepee, it was a feeling in my heart.
You're just trolling mindlessly.

>>22211004
I'm taking a break on the novel today. I'm gonna write a short story this afternoon and read afterward.

>>22211019
It's nothing worth watching either, it's just highlights from a podcast that I watch but I've seen every episode anyway so I already know what happens.

>>22211022
Let me guess, the love at first sight lasted 2 whopping years, right?

>>22211033
my fucking god same, i watched this youtuber a year ago, he was reading shitty wattpad novels while playing games. i literally watched 90 videos or something but rewatching it to not write. i swear i'll start when this video finishes.

>>22211043
Alright, after procrastinating some more by watching a heap of YouTube shorts, I'm actually gonna write something now.

WRITE
WRITE RIGHT NOW IM WRIIIIIIIIITTTTTTING THIS IS IT BROS WRITE AS IF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW

>>22211043
>>22211055
Commit yourself to making a physical or mental effort every day, no excuses, ever. Can be anything, but must be your best effort. The only person you can cheat is yourself.

Helped me with procrastination.

>>22211068
I'll keep it in mind.

Is the "deer in headlights" analogy overused? I don't want someone to read it and roll their eyes.

>>22210683
ngmi

>>22211068
I started doing this by basically writing. Doesn't matter the word count, but i've been writing nearly for 20-30 days. I'll keep committed but when you want to do it yet you evade and the amount of things you could do in the time you procrastrated just makes you kind of bummed out. Time to put the work, thanks for advice anon

>>22211068
All I had to do to kill my procrastination in writing was to start addressing things that made me uncomfortable with my story. I didn't write because it felt too difficult to surmount, or that there was nothing there in the first place.
Having that self assurance made writing sessions way more positive, because it became less about me and more about trying to explain the story.

>>22211041
No, it's lasted until this day for one, and until she passed away for the other.
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
We've had a distinct lack of trolling for a few days in this thread, and it's been a nice change of pace.

I feel like I use commas way too much in my writing, I fear run-on sentences.

>>22211075
As far as dialogue goes I could believe it, but it's about as layman as you can get with prose. Not that it's bad, it's just plain. You could try something different. Look at someone making that expression and try to describe it yourself.

>>22211111
Holy checked.

>>22211111
Like a wife after being smacked for the first time by her husband?

>>22211129
Like a man after getting stabbed by his best friend?

Fuck, I just tabbed out and turned on a video of some guy making a koi pond for Shaq, I've gotta close the YouTube tab.

>>22211138
Like a man who wasted his nut after hours of edging at 3 in the morning.

>>22211129
Maybe consider what's going through her head and then you might be able to explain it better. For example, I have seen that look before and sometimes it is incredulity, as if she sees you in a new way or fears that you are someone she never would have liked at all or didn't expect someone was about to address her and she's out of her element.
Sometimes I see it and she looks overly reserved but her eyes are wider, more still, like she is too scared to tell you how she really feels, or maybe she is watching expectations play out in her mind and she really doesn't like it, and that's why she starts to compliment and make promises so everything will be safe before she can run away.

>>22211160
I've seen it too, I grew up in a house where my dad beat my mum.

>>22211105
Want to edit that Tyler the creator tweet about cyberbullying but to be about this issue lol. In all seriousness, if it's something you're aware of wanting to change, then maybe write in the way that feels natural to you first, and revisit once you're done, maybe rephrase anything that feels like it could be too long for what you want?

>>22211183
I think it is the way I want to write but I think I only want to write this way because I was texting my friend a couple of years ago before I knew anything about proper punctuation and he made fun of me for not using commas so I now I use them compulsively, but hey, at least he hasn't made fun of me since.

>>22211183
Hahahahahahahaha How The Fuck Are Run-On Sentences Real Hahahaha Nigga Just Look Away From the Page Like Nigga Use A Comma Haha

>>22211183
>>22211200

I originally had an old lady waving a "sassy" hand at my main character but I changed it to an "oh stop it" hand, which is better? For context, the woman doing it is older and my main character just complimented her.

>>22211250
The latter. I don't even know how the fuck a sassy hand is waved.

>>22211261
You never seen a gay guy do a classic gay wave?

>>22209655
>>22209335
Reformatted to make it more readable
https://files.catbox.moe/6mnk8t.pdf

>>22211024
what the fuck are you doing here murrlogic

So I’ve finally finished my 125k word novel.
Advice for the publishing process?

>>22211317
Have you got an agent? Have you had it looked over by an editor? Have you done re-reads and edits?

>>22211321
>Agent?
No.
>Looked over and edited?
Yes.

>>22211335
Might wanna get an agent.

Heh, you chuds actually think I'm gonna publish another book, kek, what retards.

I managed to write over 700 words today and just hit the 2k word mark, it's only a short story though so it's nothing to brag about, how many words have you got down today and how many are you at?

I was going through old scripts and ideas, I like one sci fi thing I've got going on now that I have more ideas for it.
Protagonist was Russian-Ukranian, can you believe that? Years ago but well, I'll be writing that off.

Going through old ideas is always comfy.

>Read RR story
>lots of tell and barely any show
>just lists random shit
>quips with curse words that aren't well thought out

>reviews
>AMAZING PROSE
>Engaging!
>This is one of hte better stories

I don't get it.

>>22211496
Fuck show.
Tell me MORE.

>>22211267
this is a better descriptor than sassy

>>22210991
it is posted for free. the only person who ever read it (other than family) was a boomer dude retired English teacher who said it was good but didn't say anything else.

>>22211499
Would you like to know more?

>>22211022
You were just lonely and/or horny anon. You were in "love" with an idealized version of her that you projected on her, this is what happens when people say they fell in love at first sight and then break up a couple years later when they find out the fiction and the reality don't match up. Real love isn't a fickle emotion, it's an action.

>>22211727
>Real love isn't a fickle emotion, it's an action.
I'd argue love isn't action at all. It's just strong attachment.

>>22211727
Like I'm going to listen to a 4chan incel shut-in's degenerate definition of "love".
For reasons I'm not going to go into here, there was no idealization or horniness involved with either.
Defining love as "horniness" only casts your emotional shallowness into sharp relief.
Bottom line..."love at first sight" exists. It's a spiritual-level connection.

>>22211895
You were horny for an idealized fictional woman, Anon. That you still have such an immature view of relationships tells me that you have a lot of suffering in your future.

SHOW DON'T TELL IS GROSSLY MISLEADING.
The reason we say "show don't tell," is because, in most cases, especially for newbie writers, the things they are telling us would be more interesting to read about than the current story actually is. So what we really should be saying is, "Keep the story interesting." If the things you are "telling" are interesting, then there is no reason to "show" it and slow the pace down. Make sure the interesting parts of your story are "shown," and make sure the parts that the audience just needs to know to understand the story are "told."
The number one rule of writing should always be to keep it interesting. Everything else comes second.

>>22211921
That wasn't possible with either one & you are an arrogant, projecting idiot.
It seems fair to assume any portrayal of love or women in your fiction is shallow and stereotypical.
You are in a Dunning-Kruger downward spiral and are blissfully unaware of it.

>>22211895
love at first sight would be infatuation, not necessarily just sexual attraction, but definitely not what you could call deep love. it could certainly grow into a deep love, and probably very quickly if the man and woman are both mature, sober people. but that very deep sense of romantic love can only really exist when you know a great deal about the other person, and it is impossible to know much without spending a great deal of time with a person.
so, yes, "love at first sight" can exist, but it is never going to approach the depth of love that can be found in a couple who has been married for 50 years.

>>22211941
No you don't understand this guy is definitely different and had a deep fairy-tale ""spiritual""" love with two separate women that he met once and he's not seeing anymore for some reason

>Trying to come up with a country name.
>Roll with Albion for a little bit.
>Remember Albion is Britain.
>Fuck.
>Gotta come up with a new name.

>>22211950
cs lewis (I think) blamed "courtly love" for this kind of thinking. this weird idea that the true love is the passionate emotion we put into a person, rather than the choices we make regarding our own behavior.
true love is an old woman pretending to be interested in her husband's political ramblings at the dinner table

Which short do I write next bros: the one about two boys dumping a hot gun for twenty quid or the one about a hoax concerning a panther roaming the local Scottish woodlands?

>>22211966
Alvion
:)

>>22211999
damn what a get

>>22211999
>the one about two boys dumping a hot gun for twenty quid
Sounds interesting.

>>22212001
it really is that easy isn't it?

>>22212053
Yes
:)

>>22211966
Noibla
(:

Bros, I'm writing a sci-fi military story right now, and I don't know how in-depth to go with descriptions of stuff. I have a scene near the beginning where some spec ops soldier is suiting up, and I take like four paragraphs to describe everything their suit can do. I talk about climate control, medical monitoring, built-in defibrillators for revival, the helmet has night vision, etc. Should I just say something along the lines of "the suit has dozens of different systems to ensure survival" and drop all the other stuff? All the capabilities will come into use during the story, and I don't want the audience to be like, "oh, I didn't know it could do that, so that's just an asspull." or something along those lines. But I'm also not sure if the piece is too bogged down by descriptions.

>>22212261
Just name a function of the suit before the suit's function is used. Try not to name the function like right before the function is used, but you don't have to info-dump

>>22211926
You've basically hit upon the only time it would ever be appropriate to "tell"--if a brevity of words is absolutely necessary to create a deliberate effect. From my perspective, this is so fucking rare that it usually never happens, and if you need to be that lightning quick with your prose, why are you bothering to include *any* superfluous details? Beyond what you wrote about "show vs. tell," there's the more important question about the relevance of what is being described. If something is so unimportant that it does not need to be described in any detail, that we as an audience are simply "told," I really cannot think of why it should exist in the first place. Why bother with unimportant details? For example,

>The baron was a cruel man.
>The baron was well-known for levying excessive taxes on the peasants and ordering small bits removed from their bodies as punishment for non-payment.
> The baron... (entire paragraph about his bad behaviors)

If it's not important that the baron is cruel such that you're not going to show us how he is cruel, than his cruelty really isn't that important to mention in the first place, and if you *are* going to show us why he's cruel, then you don't need to waste words, write boring sentences, and insult your audience by *telling" us that.

I'm glad you have realized that reader engagement (I would say this is a little different than "keeping it interesting") is paramount if you want people to read your stuff willingly. However, "show, don't tell" is not "GROSSLY MISLEADING" at all and it's irritating to read such things only to feel the need to correct them.

What was the purpose of this post? The (You) that you bilked from me?

>>22211926
You've missed the point.
"Show don't tell" is an invitation to the reader to get engaged with the story, to fill in the details with their own opinions and experiences.
"Telling" is didactic, heavyhanded, and ultimately boring, since the reader is much less involved.
Telling is fine for the sequels between scenes, though, assuming you're following proper story structure to begin with.

>>22212261
Meld action with exposition. These four paragraphs of what could be cool description of your ultra-cool and well-thought out battle suit? Might be really boring to read (depending on who is reading) as a chunk of text. Could be highly exciting to read if it's about him gearing up and checking his systems before an operation.

Exposition dumping, at all, is awful. You have to find ways of giving an excuse for it. That's why the "fish-out-of-water" concept exists. Said fish could also be the FNG asking questions about some functions for the fifth time.

My personal rule is: If the character would have no reason to ask, describe, explain, or think about something that is part of their reality, then you need to create a reason for them to do so.

However, a third person omniscient narrator *describing* things is often necessary. Just don't *tell* us the things, because that's almost universally sloppy and boring. See my post >>22212378.

>>22212261
Sperging out about /k/ stuff is one of the main draws of the military genre. Just remember to use contrast. Monotony of any kind tends to have a soporific effect. Expo dump is actually fine if it comes after a big, eventful scene. But even within the dump you want to switch it up.

>>22210596
Thanks anon

>>22212378
The purpose of that post was for me to procrastinate from writing. Thank you for the well thought out response though.

>>22212394
That's really undersells Telling. You need both for good pacing. It's true that Showing is powerful for a narrative and there is a time to step back and let the reader experience the story, but that doesn't make Telling always weaker. Some of the best lines in literary history were told, not shown. Think of the aphoristic style in Moby Dick

>>22211496
which story

I suck at portrayal of characters, clothes and cities. I need opinion. Does this passage look okay? ps:ESL

They wear long, wide skirts, narrow sleeves and finely embroidered white clothes, which are believed to keep them cool, and they wear chain armor, which they think does not prevent the air from getting in. The ends of the belts they wear around their waists, indicating that they are from camels or desert foxes that they flay, end with the hair of whatever animal they are made of. The machetes held by the belt must always be sharpened, and even the master officers can't take away the muskeets they carry on their shoulders. They expertly ride their brown horses on sandy terrain. Those who see nomadic men who never fail to comb their mustaches as sharp as the scimitars on their sheaths and put the feathers of the hawks and vultures they can hunt on their heads, do not even think of calling them bandits because of their elegance.

I can come up with scenes and write or draw them. But writing a book is not appealing to me, I don't really want to do it.

>>22212526
then don't

>>22212549
I am interested in dialogue. I don't care about writing believable people but it's got to be good.

>>22212550
then write a screen play nigga. who's stopping you

>realize I have yet to say what my MC looks like from the neck up
>don't want him to look into a mirror or reflective surface
>a woman called him "handsome" but that's vague

>>22209753
Pls respond ;_;

>>22212550
What the other anon said, obvs try writing screenplays instead of a book

>>22211496
Writing on the internet is too easy. The bar is amazingly low.

Start charging for it, though, then you'll get brutal honesty.

>>22212565
>>22212560
I dont know how to. I can describe the scene and then get another idea but expanding more and more dialogue is hard. I read a ton of books, it just doesn't come out

>>22212562
the scene where i talk about my mc's appearance is quite funny.
he is arguing with a kid and she flat out calls to him "your eyes look like my friend when he comes out of coalmines after working there 30 hours straight. i bet your hair looks exactly same too." then mc opens his hair and kid laughs. "oh, you are lucky to have same hair as me. you can brag about that." i pretexted kids hair. they are same age anyway. and they just go and shit at each other and try to make fun of one another

>>22212433
The book I posted as picrel goes into when telling is OK, and answers your question fully.

>>22212578
Ha ha so funny you owe me a new monitor I spat hot cum all over

>>22212601
if i succeded at to shine a bright light into your mundane coom brain and make it a dopamine induced smile then i won.

>>22212563
I did. I read all the way to the end & told you what I thought.

Can you guys help me with my grammar? I asked chat GPT but I still don't understand when it responded with this:
The comma serves different functions in each sentence.

In the first sentence, "Slowly I tapped along the way," the comma is not necessary because there is no separate clause or additional information following it. The sentence can stand alone without any punctuation.

In the second sentence, "Slowly, the sky blew up," the comma is used to separate the introductory word "Slowly" from the rest of the sentence. It indicates a pause or a break before introducing the main action or event: "the sky blew up."

Commas are used in writing to convey meaning, clarity, and to separate different parts of a sentence. Their usage depends on the sentence structure and the intended meaning.

how do I stop being crushed by shame, dread and despair every time I try to write?

I hate being this way. I cant bring myself to write so much as a sentence because of this.

>>22211307
I said I would read this after you cleaned up the structure, and so I did. It is much more readable now, and I could easily follow who was saying what.

This reads like an anime episode written by someone that has watched more anime series than they have read whole books. In general, I despise anime because, in general, it is boring, cliche, and vacuous. I would rather do almost anything else that doesn't involve severe physical or emotional pain than watch the vast majority of anime. So I might not be your audience here. I will, however, offer my thoughts, and then you can decide if they're worthwhile or not.

My biggest complaint is that this is not a story. Nothing important happens, in that nothing is happening that I have any reason whatsoever to care about. There's a mustering of troops, a conversation at a business establishment, a train ride, a bit about a quill (?), and the beginning of a siege, and the audience (me) is not involved in any way. I am simply being told what is happening, and there is no reason to care about any of it. People talk and talk and talk and talk--this is the vast majority of what you wrote.

That would be okay if I cared about any of these characters. I don't. I don't understand their motivations because you haven't offered any. I can't relate to any of these characters because while you have given them some recognizable personalities, I have no reason to care beyond, "okay, so that character is a jerk, that character is inexperienced, etc."

I understand there is a war between one group and another based on metal currency. I absolute do not care about one bit of it because you have not given me reason to care. I suppose if I was personally convinced that "money is bad lol," and was also stupid enough to think that somehow blood money is okay but metal money is the ultimate folly of man, maybe I might care a little. I cannot identify what the conflict is here. That's not to say that there is *no* explicit conflict, because clearly these characters are involved in a conflict that *they* care about, but I don't care about it because you have given me no reason to care outside of assuming that because these characters (whom I also don't care about) care about it, then naturally I should, too.

>>22212741
drink

>>22212778
>>22212778
Additionally, there is no villain--because there is no villain, and no conflict, there are definitionally no protagonists. There are just two narrators telling me things.

That is not to say there aren't some neat concepts here. None of them are explained.

I get a vague sense that this a crapsack universe. If I knew why this was such a crapsack universe because you describe things that suggest why it is such a crapsack universe, that's something for me to care about.

Why do limbs need to be replaced with mechanical ones? Are they superior to their biological counterparts? If that's the case, why not replace as much as possible? Is there status involved one way or the other, transhuman or not? If the mechanical limbs are crude and thus a handicap, why do such a thing to your military? I am certainly not saying that you must spell out all of this for me immediately if reserving some kind of mystery about it is part of your idea, but the only thing I got out of this detail was that the narrator was pissy when he saw the inequality between his replacement limbs and that of his subordinate. So I can assume that either he misses his real arms, the process is painful, or something else I am left to guess at. I would at least like to know if the narrator's attitude about these limbs is common or if he's just missing his real arms something fierce (maybe he never asked for that?). Lacking any additional information, it reads like just another detail added because you needed a detail to add.

In a generic sense, anime works--not for me, but obviously for other people--because it is an audiovisual medium where characters physically look, act, sound, and dress in ways that make the audience develop feelings about them, and then obsess about those feelings. Plot is usually just the excuse to show these characters doing things. I submit the hypothesis that many people who really, really like such character-exclusive techniques and become highly invested in such """works""" do so because they depict a sanitized, controlled, and idealistic version of humans that they wish they could interact with in their own lives.

>>22212786
>>22212786
You're writing prose, not anime. Your only tool is symbols that mean things. In this medium, we cannot care about something because of how it looks, sounds, acts, etc, we cannot care about a character because "OMG SO CUTE" or "what a fucking badass" or pick your anime meme-trope unless you *write something* that they do something that makes us think they are cute, fucking badass, or pick your anime meme-trope.

This has some potential for a standard "this faction vs. that faction" story in a crapsack universe. You just need to write it that way. Maybe other people get something out of this. I didn't, and I don't. If people eat stuff like this up and pay you money for it, then you can obviously ignore every single thing I wrote.

>>22212432
No worries. There are all these Anon's talking about when you can do this according to this and that and whatever--MFA stuff. It's amusing and silly.

Like you said, there really aren't any rules, you can do whatever the fuck you like when you write, the only consistent consideration being that, as you basically said,
>you engage the audience
because we're assuming that you want people to want to read your stuff.

>>22212430
SF Military Porn readers will stroke at least one out at your three pages of almost sexually-intimate details of the operation and design of your space pirate's customized plasma rifle--I am personally a fan of such details but I want it seamlessly integrated into the action of a scene, and the only way in fuck you will get an non-niche audience to put up with such things at all is if you integrate it into the action and are not overlong about it. If Anon is writing genre fiction, then yeah ignore my >>22212408 post--you're right. If he wants to write something more accessible to general audiences without sacrificing anything, he can maybe take my advice into consideration and work just a little bit harder with sections of prose like this.

>>22212433
>You need both for good pacing.
No. You do not *need* irrelevant details to set an enjoyable pace. You can *have* irrelevant details if you have already set an enjoyable pace.

>>22212512
Yes, ignoring some weird constructions, it looks great for the most part. Not only do I get a detailed description of these desert riders that doesn't waste my time, I also receive some intuition and inferences about their culture and how they live. This is more than okay. I wish I could read it in its native language, so I'm ignoring structural issues, but you asked about portrayal, and this is good.

>>22212730
Acquire a book on grammar--a school text or workbook for student works fine. Read it and do its exercises. If you can't understand what is being said about commas, clauses, etc. then the only remedy is some formal education and practice. I guess school didn't do that for you?

>>22212782
alcohol interacts really badly with my meds

>>22212741
This sounds like a problem that goes far beyond writing. I think a better question is "Why do I have these emotional responses when I try to write?" Answer that instead.

>>22212788
>>22212786
>>22212778
Thanks for the feedback. It is pretty anime

>>22212788
Can you just explain to me why there is a comma after slowly in one sentence but not the other?

>>22212794
being a writer used to be the thing I really prided myself on, but I stalled out on a project that was way more difficult for me than it had any reason to be, and the fact that i fucked up something so easy shredded my confidence and my ability to function. now im afraid to even look at how far Ive fallen

>>22212790
unlucky lad

>>22212631
I know you did. I was hoping someone else would and tell me they didn't like it what they hate about it

AHHH fuck... I have my entire crime novel planned out, and now I am starting to doubt the entire thing. Should I just stick with the story I got, or should I start from scratch.

Is there a way to make an overpowered self insert without it becoming Empress Theresa?

>>22212921
Well, what is your original idea about?

>>22212921
how strong are your doubts, intuition is a powerful thing

>kill list anon steadily moving on and writing more schlock
>me stuck on page four of my modern classic, unironically

Why is it that fantasy writers can push so much volume with so little quality

>>22212958
lmao

>>22212819
No worries. I am clearly not a fan of anime in general, so I certainly am not going to be a fan of anime translated to the page. Take my feedback for what it is. However, I hope you will recognize that I am respecting your work by taking it seriously for what it is and honestly describing how I felt after reading it, and not simply using it as an excuse to tear you down or insult you. Best wishes, Anon.

>>22212829
>"Slowly I tapped along the way."
>"I slowly tapped along the way."
>"I tapped slowly along the way."
>"I tapped along the way slowly."

It doesn't matter where you put the adverb "slowly" aside from how the sentence reads as a structure and thereby suggests how important it is to reveal to the audience that the tapping was done slowly.

The reason you can do this is because there is no confusion about what is happening slowly in this simple sentence--the tapping, of course, not "I" or "along the way."

Furthermore, this is prose--not a formal essay. Although it is not *grammatically necessary*--and I'm sure I'm inviting some cantankerous response from someone who is going to be assblasted by this suggestion--you *can* most certainly put in commas if you want to make it read in a different way (more slowly):

>"Slowly, I tapped along the way."
>"I tapped, slowly, along the way."
>"I tapped along the way, slowly."

Part of writing well is making decisions like this to create particular effects that you have good reasons to do in how you describe things. I've listed seven ways to arrange six words--each does something different while expressing the exact same action.

>>22212995
>>22212831
So you stalled on a project and you're not over it? This really just sounds like fear of failure. Most of us suffer from that at one point or another until you simply decide to stop letting it hold you back.
>way more difficult for me than it had any reason to be
Writing is fucking difficult. It's difficult unless you just enjoy vomiting words on a page or you have gotten to the point where you are so efficient at writing the same generic shit over and over and over that it requires no more effort then brushing your teeth or wiping your anus after taking a shit.
Either that, or you're a narcissist and you flit between thinking you're a holy gift to mankind and miserable, worthless trash. Or just worthless trash.
In any case, the solution is to put your fear in its place, be brave, and start writing again. If you can't do that, then your problems go much deeper than writers' block and I am most certainly in position to offer advice.

>>22212902
I didn't read much of it. I hated that it was Jame Bond fanfiction--unless you are socially connected to whomever is directly in charge of the franchise and they owe you a favor and will demand that someone, somewhere in the apparatus of making those films look at your potential script, your odds of it being made are orders of magnitude less than winning a lottery jackpot. So it's just fanfiction, and I fucking hate fanfiction as medium, regardless of how well-written it might be. That's why I didn't read it beyond bits here and there.

However, I get the sense that this is your personal conception of how to MBGA. You want a story that uses historical gadgets instead of silly shit--I love that. I like the 60's Cold War aesthetic. You also seem to really want those Bond characters to do what *you* want them to do, to have that awesome Bond opening credit sequence, to hijack the themes of Bond and make them serve your own purposes.

My advice? Make this your own thing. Make this Bond, but your way, and without Bond. Write something that has at least a modicum of hope for going somewhere. Stop wrangling someone else's work--write your own.

Or don't. In any case, I don't read fanfiction.

>>22212958
>Why is it that fantasy writers can push so much volume with so little quality
It's obviously quality enough that people are engaged by reading it--why are you insulting someone who has found a form of success when, if you are going to insult anyone, it really should be the audience?

>>22212924
Yeah. Don't make the story about your self-insert.

>>22212953
Well, I am working on a crime novel for a local writing contest. I got almost the entire plot planned out, I know my characters, their arcs, I know the message, and so on. But there is this doubt in my mind, that the story isn't as good as I want it to be. I feel like it could be better.
>>22212936
The story is about five young men in their mid 20's. They are all on the verge of starting their lives, but in current economic climate, they feel powerless. As best friends, and former small time criminals, they decide to do one big robbery, just so they have the capital to start their lives properly. So they try to rob the local criminal outfit. What was supposed to be a quick and clean robbery, turns really ugly. Everything went wrong, and now the five friends find themselves in a quickly developing shit show, where they have little time, to solve multiple problems, all the while their life long bond is tested under immense pressure. Themes I want to discuss with this novel are
>Consequences
>Guilt
>Friendship and responsibility
>Growing up
>The hopelessness and the lack of perspective for the future, that people in mid 20's feel
This all comes from a very personal place, and I want to just go through these themes, without really preaching. It's a crime novel alright, with bodies, police, deals and double crosses, and yet I want the core theme to be something more.
But I am also doubting my story, and how well I can get all that across.

>>22212995
I still don't see why there is a comma in the other sentence though. Are you trying to tell me that it was arbitrarily put there?

Hello, I've just completed a (very rough) first draft of my story's opening chapter. Not a native english speaker and it's the first piece I'm writing that's not an article, so be advised.

Genre: Low fantasy fiction
Words: 4.9k

I'd really appreciate feedback concerned on:

>Prose
>Dialogue
>Character dynamics
>Plot

Tell me if the following link doesn't work. Thanks in advance!

https://medium.com/@panosfrag/the-bravoes-44391d327a48

>>22213033
Yes.

You're asking a fucking chatbot to know about the intricacies of grammar when you can use a search engine with a little bit of effort and find detailed answers to your simple question:

https://www.pristineword.com/comma-adverb-of-manner/

This took me all of a minute to find, start to finish, and no, if I was ever familiar with the term "adverb of manner," I had long since forgotten it. I simply searched for "comma rules with an adverb" and read until I found this section, then clicked the link for its detailed analysis.

If you're so ineffectual that you're turning to a chatbot to ask any serious questions about anything, you're NGMI, not just in writing, but life.

>>22213017
What are you doubting? This is the general premise of many, many, many crime films and stories. So maybe if you're thinking it's generic--that's because it is. However, that doesn't mean it's automatically bad, actually far from it--it's the kind of story people seem to like.

>the story isn't as good as I want it to be
Okay, so then the story isn't as good as you want it to be. Are you asking for help making it better? What exactly is causing you to doubt the story? If you're doubting your idea, try coming up with a new one. You should really never go with an idea you're doubting unless you're already published and just writing potboilers or something--what does it matter at that point?

>>22213033
more or less. it doesn't have to be there. i don't see why you couldn't include it in the first example.

>>22213069
Google docs alternative (I made some changes between those two)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1L6ALt7w6wSM1OoNbvzLK-RTsb_RDUhdQqIn_GPTVs7U/edit?usp=sharing

>>22213079
>>22213080
They both seemed to serve the same function so I was confused.

>>22213079
Yeah, maybe I'm a bit afraid that it's generic. I just didn't get any better ideas at this time.
>Are you asking for help making it better? What exactly is causing you to doubt the story?
Maybe I set my standard too high. I have always considered Dostoyevsky to be my favorite writer. And look at Brothers Karamazov for example. Sure if you sum it up really quickly, it is basically like a law and order episode, with one half of the novel spent on crime, and the other half spent on courtroom drama. And yet what sets it apart are the memorable and amazing individual scenes in it. The one with the great inquisitor, the one with the devil, the speeches at the trial, that bit about the kids. I totally know that I am not Dostoyevsky. Far from it. But I admire the way that he makes memorable scenes, that just stick with you. I want just a bit of that. I feel like what I write, isn't all that memorable.

But also the contest asks for a crime novel. Maybe they expect simplicity, and a straight forward story? The three released novels from the previous contest, are all quit subpar in my opinion. But it also makes me wonder if I am maybe trying to bit off more than I can chew here. If I keep it simple, it will be generic and it won't stand out. If I go too big and complex, I may end up with an unfocused mess.

>>22213005
That's fair. Putting it to a full screenplay will be a good exercise at least

https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/wraithmarked/neon-ghosts-a-witchs-sin

Why bother? None of you will ever be able to compete against someone like Daniel Greene. He announces a book, and gets 170k. Then prints it, and makes 450k.

It'll be 10000x better than whatever you shit out, with proper editing, proofreading, and concept ideas. Give it up

>>22213227
Go to Hell, demotivational failed-crab.
Your participation in this thread is not value-added.

>>22213227
And who cares about this guy? Making a lot of money from books?

writing was never about making cash for the sake of cash its about writing what you want and what you wanna see.

Not everyone is going to read some random rich guys book but I might read yours

>>22213227
What's the point of this post? Just because someone does something better than you doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Why should Daniel Greene bother if Stephen King announces a book and makes millions off of it?

>>22213134
Okay, now that you've written all of that, it's pretty safe to say that you're overthinking this.

Allow me a brief tangent:

The plot of the novel and its film adaptation Requiem For A Dream is nothing cosmic. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about, but if you haven't, you should (though it's not a happy story).
>Three junkies decide they want to kick-start the pursuit their dreams by selling some heroin for a tidy profit (sound vaguely familiar?); one of them has an aging, lonely mother whom he neglects. Bad things happen.
It's not complicated; not full of twists and turns; not some grandiose, hypercomplex, 2smart4you labyrinth.
If you really get down to it, what that movie is basically saying--aside from "drugs = not good, very bad, don't"--is in the final minute of the movie. Everything is basically about that, "The Grand Prize" (and what, ultimately, was that?), and I cannot watch that final minute without tearing up (it won't make any sense out-of-context, by the way). The way it's shot, the acting, the delivery of the dialogue--basically perfect. The plot and everything else is nothing more than the apparatus to show us that final scene in the most effective way possible. Not to say that the rest of the film is unimportant, but it from a certain perspective, it really isn't.

For a literary example, I guess "The Dead" is another example. What's the plot?
>A couple goes to a party. It's kinda meh, and then things don't improve.
The final scene of that story is similar to Requiem, but much more solemn and reflective--no tears, just "Okay story, you got me, now I am upset and now I am thinking about these things, too."

Dostoevsky is also my favorite writer. Now that you've said that, again, I would say you're overthinking things. You clearly want to focus more on the psychological states of these characters, how
>Consequences
>Guilt
>Friendship and responsibility
>Growing up
>The hopelessness and the lack of perspective for the future, that people in mid 20's feel
and, if I may intuit,
>What it says about a society that produces people who feel so entitled to their own success that they are willing to take violent, criminal shortcuts in an attempt to ensure them
play out as they deal with the consequences of their choices. If you have set up well-defined characters and really *work* when you're writing, something like this basically writes itself. Don't overthink it. You will edit it later anyways.

>>22213335
>>22213134
>Maybe they expect simplicity, and a straight forward story?
If you want to write commercially, that's one thing. Commercial writing is its own thing that follows a pretty strict set of rules. This is not a commercial premise (though that does not mean that it would not sell if done correctly, or that it couldn't even be a bestseller); this is something outside of that. Do you want to win a contest? Or do you want to write something good?

>I may end up with an unfocused mess
Yep. Then you can edit it. Or simply sigh, forgot about it, and move on.

I would suggest that you stop overthinking, or maybe think about what the ultimate message of the whole thing is ("The Grand Prize;" the "falling faintly" and the "faintly falling"), or don't even do that and see what happens. If you have your characters, you have enough to start. Anyways, I think that's all I have to say.

>>22213145
I'm sorry if it's not the answer you would have liked to hear. From what I did read, I thought there were some really neat scenes (the LSD into the Title Sequence is nice). If it makes you feel any better, I have an adaptation of something quite a few people like that hasn't yet been made into a movie and would make a really cool movie with the proper talent and budget in the off-chance I'm ever in a position to show it to someone with some connections. It's not exactly the same, because it's an adaptation, and yours would be James Bond in sequel Number XX, but it's something I made that would only have a chance at anything under the right conditions considering my possessiveness of my work. Will that day come? I'm not sure. I'm not holding my breath. If it doesn't, it's not going to keep me awake on my deathbed.

Write your idea. What I read looks promising for what it is. I'm not going to try to read it unless you ask me directly, because, like I said, I'm predisposed to not like such things, but if you *really* want me to, I can check it out.

>>22213264
>>22213299
>>22213324
The point is (You)'s; some failure of a human being needs to think it's demoralizing others so it can get it up. Just ignore it.

>>22213069
>Prose
I liked it. Some here probably won't, but I liked the way you described the fight and the part at the end where they're going through the room and finding the mask.
>Dialogue
It was well-written. They are talking about something that is plot related so that's already good, and there's some good opportunity for subtext that I can easily see, though I don't know if it's intentional or not, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
>Character dynamics
They both initially seem like interesting characters, and I believe I can clearly tell their relationship from both the descriptions in the fight and from their dialogue. It has internal consistency with what you described. So good job there.
>Plot
Seems interesting. I'm not sure if I would read a 300 page book of it, but this isn't really my genre anyway. I will say that there are 100% people that would eat this up though, so you got that going for you.

One extra thing I'd like to add is at the beginning, where you have the first bits of dialogue after the fight. They're talking about what errors were made during the fight. I think some of those pieces of dialogue would be better put within the description of the fight. Whenever Sarlesh says
>"I... I know. It's the people..."
Maybe you can put a part in the fight where Sarlesh glances at the crowd, looking to those who he knows look up to him. Then Leonard sees an opening and strikes. A simple thing like that. You don't have to do this, but I think it would read better that way. But that's just my personal preference.
There were a few typos, maybe five or so that I caught, but other than that, very good. Keep it up.

I have two female characters in my story. One is named Rena, and the other is named Vena. Are these too similar, or am I okay? They are frequently in the same scenes as well.

>>22213364
if theyre sisters.

what software do you guys use to write? microsoft word sucks so much or maybe I just don't have it set up right? any software suggestions or setting I should use in word to make it easier to write?

>>22213403
I use Notepad and Notepad++ for everything that doesn't need formatting. I find Word and Word-likes highly distracting. Other Anons have suggested LibreOffice (free) or Scrivener (not free)--I haven't used either.

>>22213403
I write my fiction in a text editor (Pluma), in Markdown format.
I store revisions of them using git.
I convert Markdown to LibreOffice (for paperback/e-book formatting) using pandoc.
I keep my notes in an outline editor called TreeLine.
All of these are free and open-source.
May the Source be with you.

>>22213403
wordpad

>>22213403
i just use libreoffice
>can save as PDF
>can make table of contents
>page numbers
>adjust size for kindle

It does everything I need it to do to publish on Amazon.

High af rn. Real talk, yall nigga gon turn the page:

It was in the late afternoon of my tenth birthday as we sat at that resteraunt. I quite enjoyed that establishment. It was a dimly lit place. Not so much that one couldn't see were they were walking, but enough so that you wouldn't notice the husks of complimentary peanuts carpeting the floor if not for their crunching as you walked to your table. All the booths were elevated so one hand to step up into them, and the lamps above were low to the tables. This led to very little light, even indirect light, from piercing to the depths of the trenches between the booths.
This lighting design had another effect on the resteraunt. When one sat in the booth, under their lamp, their eyes adjusted to the brightness of the light as everything not under it would fade from their peripheral vision. You could still look around and see little bubbles of light, each with little faces in them as the chat away or smile and listen. Despite the proximity, everyone was living happily in their own little bubbles of light.
Beneath this lamp with me was my friend Chester. He was a negro boy if about my age who live on the same street as I did in the government housing subdivision. He and I would spend most of our free time together, and never failed to keep ourselves entertained or out of trouble. Sitting across from us was his mother, a lady of which I only hold the memory of her face and the feeling of uneasiness I got around her.
Next to her was the woman entrusted with my custody, Rachael. She was the hand my father took after my mother had vanished of her own volition, and the one I credit most for the man I am today; after all, it isn't the hole in the hull that kills the crew, but the water.
How much will the crew struggle against the water rushing in? How long before the crew realize they are left with no choice but drown? How slow the decent to Davy Jones's locker is.

>>22213364
If they're related, it shouldn't matter, but if they're just two friends or something like that, then it's a bit weird.

>>22213435
It may be because I'm drunk but this felt like it was put through google translate. It don't sound the least bit natural.

>>22213435
10 year olds don't talk like that

>>22213338
>>22213335
Thanks for the feedback. I'll say this much. I have always wanted to write a crime story. This upcoming contest is a way for me to test my ability as a writer. Even through their standards are low (last time, the top 3 winners were really nothing special), if I fail there, then it's an objective sign that I need to work more on my craft. But if I win, I will get published, so there is that.
This isn't about getting the prize, this is about putting my work out there and seeing if it's worth a damn.
As it stands, I have a story that I'm somewhat sure about. I have themes that I want to explore and that I hope will resonate with other people my age.
I see one of the key conflicts of my novel, being the conflict of interests between two best friends. Both are in the same mess. One of them fully believes in friendship, never shuts up about the nostalgic, good old days, and always feels like time is standing still for him. Meanwhile his best friend just started a family, and when things get serious, he develops a strong "ends justify the means" outlook, in regards to actions he takes to protect his family. These two (and their three friends) have to work together to get out of the horrible mess they got themselves into, and the hard decisions they have to make, test a friendship that has lasted as long as they can remember. That would be the meat of that "heist gone wrong" story.

>>22213462
I was going for a creative but dead inside voice. Someone who could identify a beautiful painting, but not feel its beauty when the look at it.
>>22213468
Yeah, hence the past tense voice.

Actually, when writing this >>22213476 out, I actually got more confidence in my story.

>>22213498
Nigger, just write.

It's fine if you don't feel confident in your ability, but write. I am writing a short story to test my ability as a writer, I wrote another one before.
Basically just do your best and even if you fuck up, you can extract lessons from your fuckup.

Honestly, it's rarely the plots that are the linchpin to a story - it's the way you write them. And unless you write, you won't get better.

Get to it anon. Worst case scenario is you just won't win.

It's over. I got a 3.5 star on my Royal Road Story.

>>22213603
I haven't even got one.

>>22213468
Actually this raises a good question. I thought between the past tense voice and referring to himself as a "man today" was effective enough reader-writer communication for the reader to be able to pick up that were in a memory of the speaker. As the writer, of course I know what I'm talking about, but it can be hard to tell if the reader will get it. Kinda like how
>>22213462
pointed out. The idea was a man rembering a happy scene, and being happy, but that remembering that moment brings him no joy. He isn't looking up and smiling to himself as he talks, he's just describing it how he remembers it. There should be some obvious disconnect between the story and story teller, but not in such a way it causes mental friction trying to read it. Kind of why I decided to get a bit dramatic with the 2 questions and a statement at the end. Set the first stage in the tone, then set the tone of the story.

I'll redo it in the a.m. with my morning coffee, take a look at the two, and then maybe finish that scene.

>>22213614
>As the writer, of course I know what I'm talking about, but it can be hard to tell if the reader will get it. Kinda like how
I'll be honest I sped read. So it's not your fault but mine.

Which is what my problem with reading online is. Due to constant scrolling, I realized webnovel readers skim through things. They're not reading, they're scrolling.

>>22213634
I don't blame you, I wrote it on my phone and some parts came out pretty abrasive
>if about my age who live on
I'm fucking blind proofeading my own shit. Hard to expect the reader to put in more effort than you.

>>22213603
I have three reviews. Two 5s and one 2.

>>22212730
>Commas are used in writing to convey meaning, clarity, and to separate different parts of a sentence.
Commas are also used in writing to guide the rhythm of a sentence. That's the element you're missing. Grammar is more mutable than it gets credit for. English is a fairly permissive language. Choose which one you like better.

Is it harder to impress people with writing these days because all the good ideas have had their courses run? Murder mystery? Done it. Aliens coming to Earth? Done it. Wars in space? Done it.

>>22213881
No. It's not hard to impress people at all. The problem is actually finding someone to read your shit so you can impress them.

I am right now writing something that will either completely fly under everybody's radar and be forgotten about completely, or this is the work that will put me in the international spotlight. I'm not exaggerating.

Problem is simply getting people to notice it to begin with.

Can you get away with rhyming "bow" with "gold"?

>>22213997
In what way do those to words rhyme at all?

>>22212261
I write a lot of edgy as fuck military SF and I try to avoid just sitting around wanking over all the cool toys too much. In my case it's partly a cover for knowing fuck-all about science as well, I know a little about military tech but I'd still embarrass myself if I tried to go too deep with it. I'd much rather have characters refer to it obliquely as if you'd know what they were talking about in-setting. Say, going into an urban battle sequence knowing the MC is worried about his rifle being 'one of the shitty old models, from before the buy-out. The ones that chainfire if you smack the barrel going around a corner' rather than a long, dry description of how every part works. It's personal taste though, nothing against people who enjoy counting rivets.

>>22212261
>>22214015

Are you two interested at all in how I wrote my scifi military thing? I could post it, but I don't want to shill. I'd appreciate an opinion, though.

>>22214018
Yeah always interested, my stuff's really just edgy horror with war as the set dressing but I enjoy more tech-y stuff too.

>>22214047
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/70557/dog-fighting
Here it is.
>edgy horror with war
That sums up war pretty well. Anyone who writes "war is cool haha pew pew boom" is a thoughtless retard writing more slop for the masses.

>>22214002
They got the "oh" vowel. It's bow like a bowtie, not like taking a bow, btw

>>22212788
thanks mate, need to write about royal guards now too.

My writing is reddit.

How to fix reddit writing?

>>22214064
Do you pronounce it "gohwld"?

What do you think about using/applying idioms and phrases that are uncommon or considered unorthodox in English but used in other languages, in order to "spice up" the text and give it some character?

>>22212788
>Your only tool is symbols that mean things. In this medium, we cannot care about something because of how it looks, sounds, acts, etc, we cannot care about a character because "OMG SO CUTE" or "what a fucking badass" or pick your anime meme-trope unless you *write something* that they do something that makes us think they are cute, fucking badass, or pick your anime meme-trope.
What do you think about stories written for latter transformation into scripts? For the sake of adaptation into animation by own hands of course.

>>22214218
Only if it fits in. If it's spoken by a person who speaks the language of it's origin or from a completely made up culture.

>>22213403
I saw obsidian here and was using it since then

>>22213498
I haven't got a single reader on wattpad since i am an esl and can't share SHIT on royal road and nobody would read it. I have like 50 or so read but they are all just wattpad sucking dick at refreshing my chapters and counting up me as new viewer baka. Total word count at 6 chapter:34k(maybe they don't read the chapter when they see over 1 hour reading time or something, who am i kidding nobody even clicked at chapter :DD)

>>22214286
>>22213603
mb wanted to quote this one

Start round 8 of revisions today. If I don't have a final draft done by the end of the year I will kill myself.

>>22214293
add my digits to the manifesto

>>22214300
you got it

>>22214323
tell me about word count, what you are writing, premise and all of the mumbo jumbo

>>22214331
Sci-fi. Protagonist travels billions of trillions of years to a future utopia, but there's a twist and they end up hating it and it drives them insane. 138K words.

You guys might look into brain supplements if you're struggling to write a lot. I have an unholy concoction in the morning and it gives me a kick to get 000's of words done

>>22214363
what is it, a mix of adderal and caffeine?

I want to write a sequel to a story by Tolstoy
A Landowners's Morning
Basically it will be set 15 years into the future after the emancipation of the serfs
He will be running some kind of merchant company and travelling around
It will begin by him talking about how he found his old writings in a pile of papers he had kept around and which causes him to reflect on his life

>>22214445
Are there any famous examples of a fan writing a sequel to a popular book? Cool idea.

>>22214463
Well I'm not really a fan, I am just upset by the story and want to give it a happy ending

If I want my story to start on a cold and rainy night it's literally impossible to write that without sounding like a basic asshole.

>>22214505
Start with people or scenery around him instead of just monologue about the scenery.
Maybe have him look around the playground and he tries a swing and falls to the puddle and he remembers his old days with his brother and laughs or something. so many scenarios you can come up with it

>>22214549
This is a good idea, but I do wanna try writing a story that starts with the ole "it was a cold and rainy night".

Can a story only be told in the first person if the person is still alive at the end?

>>22214584
Not really. In fact, you don't have to do it in past tense. You can even change the view point.

>>22214617
>You can even change the view point.
So that it wouldn't be first person anymore.

>>22214622
It can just be another character's first person.

>>22214626
OK, but what if it's not? Does that require the person to be alive at the end?

>>22214629
You might have some intellectual problems to figure out first.

>>22214635
Like?

>post story
>Review
>Omg there's so many adjectives I hate it! There's so much description of a setting! Bad!
>Later in review
>The scenes are so vivid and you can picture what anon is writing. It's so good

The fuck?

How do you format when copying something from a word-esque document (Open Writer) into something like notepad++ or a ghostbin? So far, it just keeps everything on about 4 lines, stretching the bin or notepad to an unreasonable amount. Is there any quick way for me to convert the pasted text into a readable format?

>>22212433
>>22211926
>>22212378
>>22212394
the sweet spot is probably between 3% and 5% telling and 95% to 97% showing... but even then the telling should be reserved to things you personally know about and are in harmony with the rest of the work... otherwise in a few generations years people will have no idea what you meant and start to speculate and in the end the canonical interpretation (if it's judged an important enough work) would be something you not only have not though of but goes contrary your very being
and even then it would be preferable if a character "told" it, not the narrator...

>>22214781
The duality of man.

>>22214781
I have problem with this. Recently was browsing through female fantasy writers and they describe every little fucking thing and you literally can't imagine shit. I checked so many moid writers like this and they always do this shit. And they all get praised with "oh everything is absolutely over the top of wattpad!" or they just give description of unnecessary stuff and from time to time they just look like words instead of making any sense. It's like they are trying to flex they can mush words or combine sentences or something and call it good writing and everybody fucking claps. are they trying to give good sounding sentences because half of the chapters literally has nothing happening but weird descriptions and lame comparisons of meta things what they are experiencing? Is this just wattpad or are all moid fantasy like this?

>>22213431
>>22213414
>libreoffice
openoffice.org is much superior if you are interested in writing; it's made by people whose day job is to make software fit for writing stuff, just like Word
libreoffice is just a truckload of rabid programmers wanking over features and spamming everywhere possible... they don't care about how people use their software, just about how great programmers they are...
>Notepad++
great software
>>22213403
use Microsoft Word 2007 or 2010, they are the best

>>22214781
if that is so, you'll probably need to decide if you focus on writing poetry/lyric (mundane stuff but excellent use of adjectives) or narrative/prose (exceptional stuff brought down to earth by clear and lucid language)

I want to use the word "quietly" twice within one sentence but I feel like that would sound retarded, what do? For context I want to use it twice because my character is quietly entering a building and quietly closing the door behind him as to not draw any attention.

>>22214830
He can slowly enter a building; that implies that he makes no noise while doing so. Or he can just close the door to avoid causing any noise, which makes the usage of the word "quietly" redundant

>>22214783
Save as text, instead of copy/paste?

>>22214829
This is a short excerpt of what I wrote. I didn't think it was that bad
>Artificial lights concealed the moonlight. Pinks, greens, and yellows illuminated the streets while the cold air mixed with the hot steam escaping the cracks and broken seals of pipelines that spread across the city. I pulled my sleeves lower before I passed a man in a thick coat. Behind him was a walkway connecting to the part of the city where those that wished to find solace and peace entered. To our side was a large screen displaying a woman with black hair, naked, without any sense of shame. Her arms appeared from the bottom carrying a product promising comfort and beauty when applied. Each finger was perfect — white, slender, and natural. Pink lights closed the advertisement and the woman disappeared from my sight. The screen reopened with the motto of Glamora: It’s all the name implies.

>>22214840
Good idea, thank you, anon.

>>22214830
>sneaks through the door
>quietly closes it behind him
Silently is a good synonym for quietly also.

>>22214863
maybe write from the perspective of your character? for example "the air was cold and I could see hot steam escaping from the gratings in the sidewalk" or smth
"passing him, I pushed forward towards the walkway where I could feel peace and solace were waiting for me"
how do you know the woman on the large screen was without any sense of shame?
only the Lord may have "perfect" fingers, hers were at most "perfectly proportioned" or smth... also "white" is not "natural" unless all the blood was drained from them
how do lights close an advertisement?! maybe ended? screen reopened? wtf are you writing for somebody to read you or for yourself? not that it's bad to write for yourself, but maybe try to write for somebody who doesn't know what goes in your head too

>>22214881
>>22214880

I'm tired and my ideas suck today.

>>22214897
Throw some of today's ideas at us and let us be the judge of that.

>>22214890
>>22214890
>how do lights close an advertisement?
NTA but that's literally how a television screen works. Bunch of lights turning on and off.

>>22214890
>Lord may have "perfect" fingers, hers were at most "perfectly proportioned" or smth... also "white" is not "natural" unless all the blood was drained from them
Now this is just autism.

>>22214914
first of all, that's how an OLED television screen works; a LED or CRT television screen does not have "a bunch of lights" but only one, either mobile (CRT) or immobile (LED)
second, "close" is a physical act, like closing a book, or a door... an advertisement can at most "end", unless it turns off the device you refer to as a television screen (and even that would be "turn off", unless it has some automated shutters or smth)

>>22214920
nah, it's just the truth: white people have pink fingers

>>22214970
Fine fine you win. Okay okay jeeze it's just a television screen

>>22214897
Well, you gotta put your ideas in order and check all the boxes for the character and plot consistency. So treat it like a time to make sense of a creative mess. I'm doing mostly that right now and I think one idea that got morphed a thousand times already might just come out as a consistent story.

How useful is Grammarly? Does it help out a lot?

It lets me know that I have no fucking idea where to place a comma sometimes. Other than that it's kind of useless for me.

>>22215163
meant to reply to >>22215117

I need metaphorical or clever faces. But my brain is fired. Like a clock face, or the face of the moon or blah or blah

>>22215209
Context?

>>22215214
It's kind of like a twin peaks esq dream sequence where the number of faces is significant. What's literally going on in the scene isn't so important as to the clues. I just didn't want it to be 7 faces straight up.

>>22215209
Don't think of a metaphor off the bat. Try to think of the ideas that you want in your story then choose two you might want to relate. But don't start specific too specific and try to force it, you need to feel it out.
First, think of "face" and then what a face in general means or what it does, like a surface of some kind, something that sees and speaks.
Then think of the other kinds of ideas or flavors in your story that are cool, and then explore the word associations with those until you find a unique relationship between the two.

Is a teenage boy and an older adult woman romance more acceptable than the reverse?

>>22215228
I can't think of shit either. Other than your two,
>face of a die (a number significant to the theme)
I guess maybe a coin face? Maybe some famous faces, like The Scream or The Mona Lisa. The character's own face as a child? I have no clue what you're going for really.

>>22215117
It makes your writing become very stale and formulaic. Good for basic grammar though.

>>22215261
NTA but the idea of 6 dice face with all the numbers and one other thing sounds cool to me

>>22214970
one can also close a case, close a scene, close as a verb can also mean:
"2. bring or come to an end."

>>22214584
If its in the past tense, yes. If its present tense it doesn't matter.

I give up. Sure I've improved, but there are far too many grammar rules. I can't remember them all.

>>22215318
byeeee

>>22215309
this guy doesn't know about ghost stories lmfao

>>22215240
Less realistic than the reverse. The boy's got to be either really mature for his age or the woman's got to have something against men, yet is charmed by the boy's innocence or naivete.

>>22215344
wdym have you not seen the thousands of news stories about women teachers and their students

>>22215344
What about gold digger woman and rich younger boy?

>>22215333
ghosts are gay

>>22215399
Ghost blowjob whoo whoo

>>22215361
That's not exactly what I had in mind when I read "romantic". Even then, gold diggers are usually younger girls "dating" boomers for their money when they die. But just because it's less likely to happen in reality, doesn't mean the anon can't write about it.

>>22215360
Not saying it doesn't happen, but I'd say it's much rarer for a female teacher to lust after one of her students compared to the inverse. Maybe your image threw me off, young women who go after teenage boys go for 17-19 year olds who are already through puberty, "young men" rather than "boys".

>>22215456
>>22215456
>>22215456

>>22215240
Less realistic, but also considered more socially acceptable so you'll get less people bitching about it