/lit/ - Literature

Oooh! I wanna submit a story!
I know you'll like it because it's written in your style!
I call it "Call Of The Plants'!

The man and the woman stands next to each other. In the lab. Where they study things. By smart people. They were looking at a plant. But not standing too close. To each other. This was the mans doing. Girls are icky.
"I think this plant is alive" the man says.
"Well of course its alive it's a plant who ever heard of a dead plant" the woman expounded with deternimation.
"No that's not what I meant I mean it can, think for itself and has self awearness and in, addition to all that its sentient" the man explains.
"Your crazy plants can't do that" the woman screeches like a harpy.
"Oh yes they can I know it I am absolutely, certain see the way it gives me that dirty look its a, bad plant maybe I will stop watering it" the man says as he bowls the woman over with his superior inteleck.
"You are stupid and your ideas are stupid" the woman pouts hottily in a manner of hating.
"No your stupid you are a woman and I am a, famous scientist and you're just a lab assississtant and I get, payd more than you so neener neener" the man states with pride in his speech.
"Ooooo Im telling on you cause your a, sexist and being a sexist is bad and against women and not good" the woman says by way of angriness.
"Your darn right Im sexy thank you for noticing but I don't like you because your a woman and you have cooties" the man in a smarmy way.
The light shown through the window. The big window. A rectangle. On the other side of the window was the outside. Of the building. That they were in. It was a science factory.
"No I don't mean it like that hey I know why, don't we have a long conservation in this labortory and then we, can discuss whether the plant is sentence" the woman convincess the man into doing.
"Okay yeah sounds fun wheee lets do this" the man says while getting all pumped and posing, like Halk Hogan the strongis man in the world.
"Okay you go first show me any, sign the plant is a smarty pants" the woman throws out there.
"Ha Im not falling for your, trick plants dont wear pants even tho the, words kinda sound the same" the man says with triumph in his voice.
"Oh ya what about Chrismas trees they wear skirts haha you got moded" the woman cheers with the brute force of all her womanly feelings.
"Ya but this plan isn't wearing, a skirt cause it's a boy plant because he, told me so" the man says while jabbing his finger in the direction.
"Your gonna hafta do better than that" the woman told him by way of speaking.

>>22197127
"Okay here we go hang on to your seatbelt cause this is gonna be a bumpy ride" the man rubs his hands together like he's cold but hes not.
"So okay listen up plant I want you to tell me if sedevacantism is the one true way and if you think so then make no movement at all" he calls out with great confidence.
And true to their word the plant just, sits there and does nothing marking, a great victor for the man cause he's a famous scientist and she's, just an assistant whos just paid to look pretty and doing a darn job of it.
"Oh yeah well this isn't over yet okay plant listen to me if you think the man here is a big poopy head then just sit still and don't make a false move" she says smugly with vindication.
The man reaches toward the plant and pushes the pot and it wiggles around in a seductive dance that makes all the plantofiles really hot under the collar.
"Hey that's not fair you pushed the plant it, was perfectly willing to stay still if you didn't make, it dance involuntary and against its will" the woman said with an accusation tone. In her voice. Out of her mouth. The one with the lipstick. Because girls ware lipstick.
"Nuh uh the plant told me to do that because it wanted, to dance and also you were wrong and what's a matter you, didn't hear the plant say that boy do you look dumb write now" the man says as he dances with the plant with kept dancing to the music in their ears.
"Oh you awful man you're, such a meanie I can't even believe it you give, men everhwere a bad name and if you had one iota of brains in your head you would know that you're a big dumb head and I'll never be your girlfriend cause these legs are closed for business ha ha in your face" the woman accuses in that bitchy way.
"Oh yeah well your not real you're just a tulpa and I've been imagining you the whole time what do you think of that" the man reaches a stirring climax with an, incredible twist truly one for the ages.
"Oh yeah well I'm rubber and you're glue and you bounce off me and stick to you and what's more there's no takebacks so you lose" the woman says for no particulate reason any one can fashion.
"Oh yeah well I called times and so nothing that happened today counts which makes me the big victory and so you loose" the man pumps his fists. Into the air. In cerebration.
"You die now" she says.
"No u" he says.
The man and woman rech for each others, throats and strangle the banjo out of each, other and fall to the floor and die at the, exact same time wow isnt that an incredible coincident.
"Can I say something about this?" the plant interrupted. "I am an angel of the Lord, and I bring a message of great import for all mankind. And that message is–"

Holy hell, Gardner, how many times are you going to spam this?
The jannies deleted the last one; you really think they won't delete this one?

Wow! I hope you serialize Call Of United Airlines!
I gotta admit, your first 16 books were unedited pre-kindergarten gibberish, but the 17th one was a vast improvement!
There are rumors you didn't write it, but I don't believe them.

>>22197133
What precisely is fucking Gardner and why does it keep fucking him?

>>22197145
The only thing fscking Gardner is his hand, and even it's playing hard to get.

>>22197153
That is not what the report suggests.

>>22197154

>>22197169
Sorry, I did not realize that you were a retarded frog. The creator of that image forgot the comma which resulted in the meaning being rather humorous and quite different than what was intended.

>>22197181
>frogs bad because they just are okay

>>22197183
I made passed no judgement on frogs, the image clearly shows him to be a frog and a retard.

>>22197181
>forgot the comma
Wow...double autism!

>>22197193
>enjoying the nuances of language on a literature forum is autism

I have a story to submit to your magazine.
I've never written before so please be patient.
But send me all the money.

One day, a chicken died.
Another chicken walked up to it and pecked at it.
It said "Yum yum! Good chicken!"

Criticism is welcome, but unless you say I'm the crown of creation, I'm going to throw a big hissy fit and commit acts of self-harm in your living room.

>>22197200
I couldn't help but notice that you didn't fix and repost the image; instead, all you did was whine and bitch and piss and moan about it.
"Be the change you want to see in the world." -Gandhi

>>22197206
Where did I whine or bitch or piss and moan? I would not consider that image to need fixing, it is quite good as is and better than it would be with the comma.

>>22197216

Basado

Just think, people...if you get involved with the utterly boringly named "Keyword' magazine, you'll get to meet all the schizos in this thread!
So much to look forward to.

braaaaaaappppp

>>22197215
No, it definitely, needs the comma. Everyone knows, that more commas equals more better writing.

>>22197181
At least I'm getting some, incel.

>>22197226
Just put them at the end then.
>>22197235
The report makes it sound more like repeated rape which you have eventually come to accept.

>>22197226
Indeed. Let us read from the Book Of Gardner:

"The great Francis Bacon once said 'he that would keep a secret must keep it secret that he hath a secret to keep' and now you know everything" the wizard offers to Frank's willing ears.
"Wow I thought I was the only one was an expert in floss fee" Frank can keep it in no longer. He remembers starting with the Greeks and is, there four an expert in floss fee. Except why anyone would pay a fee for dental floss. After all he can get it for, free by telling his mommy that he has run out and then she, buys him more the next time she goes shopping. Frank wonders why other people don't have mommies that, buy them every thing they need and then leave them, alone for days at a time. A small price to pay to get, floss for free without a fee. Frank notices the wizard has bad teeth and concludes with great certainty that he also doesn't pay fees for floss.

Here endeth today's lesson. Peace be upon you, my children.

>>22197111
>not paying by word as everything else does
>3200*22=$70,400
>absolute delusions of grandeur
>first issue in a bit more than 30 days
At least put a little effort into seeming legitimate rather than being the obvious meme you are

>>22197298
It's OK; he's repeatedly claimed that he's a famous author, and has made millions from the sales of his books, so he can afford to blow money on a magazine that no one will read.

>>22197298
He said he "raised" $70k in his initial post so the math does add up. 30 days is very optimistic though.

>>22197319
Well, sure...everything seems easy if you don't know what the hell you're doing.

Wonder how long it took his kidnap victim to stop crying so he could get that cover photo.

>>22197339
or how long it took him to doll that 6 year old up so she looked 12

>>22197339
>>22197521
Her trauma hasn’t yet started
>>>/p/4191518

>>22197111
>Paying per page and not per word
Ngmi
Big if true tho

>>22197111
>Stories
Seriously cunt? Culture of critique my bleeding arsehole.

What do you pay for essays.

>>22197111
yo can i write "CHOOSE YOUR LIT WAIFU"
i love me a listicle

>>22197944
>cathy ames/kate trask/kate albey
into pegging
but only if it hurts
complete sub
>oedipia maas
based latina fetishisht
you never take your meds
they're all out to get you
>of human bondage waitress
you're a sub
you simp hard to one woman on onlyfans
you moderate for streamers on twitch
>Jordan Baker
you're secretly gay

>>22197967
Medea

>>22197976
>Medea
just get a dog
you have been choked out in bed

>>22198001
Its a crime to kill a dog though. To kill a parricide is an honour.

So the &amp faggots are just mad that there is a rival 4chan mag that pays its authors, unlike &amp which does not pay its authors? Interesting.

>>22198803
No, the hatred against Gardner is organic, and is due solely to his long-term disgraceful behavior.
Also...he acts like the magazine already exists, and is trying to take credit for it without actually having accomplished anything.
Pretty par for the course for him, really.

>>22199020
>No, the hatred against Gardner is organic
There an entire discord dedicated to harassing Gardner. That’s anything but organic hatred.

>>22199485
Link?
New to this discussion but I would love ti express my hatred of Gardner with other men of taste

>>22199485
>multiple people conspire to do something they all have an interest in
>it can't be organic
you're right, Frank. it's the Russians.

>>22198803
A few things make me think that the &amp editor might be behind this.
>There was a thread on this earlier that the jannies swept up
>This new thread doesn't mention F Gardner specifically
>Gardner probably raged when he saw the original thread and had it taken down for impersonation, and now he's probably seething at this thread
>The look of this magazine is different from &amp but still looks like something he would or could create
>Gardner himself isn't in this thread announcing his own presence, which although he rarely does, he might for his own project.
Somebody should contact Gardner and ask him if this is really his project.

>>22199723
also this >>22197555
&amp uses tons of images from /p/

>>22199723
>>22199726
Gardner is 100% not seething. Check the discord. Partnership seems to be legit.

>>22199761
This. It's real.

>>22199761
>>22199791
Link the discord or shut the fuck up

>>22199823
Just ask him yourself on Discord.

>>22199899
God damn you are a stupid fuck.

>>22197111
&amp is good precisely because it is a passion project by people willing to put in time and effort, not because it is seen as a ‘business expense’ that will yield a profit in the future.

>>22199929
All of those qualities can be purchased. "SOVL" is just a meme.

>>22200763
Great things can come from highly funded projects, some of the best music albums in history wouldn’tve been nearly as great with quality studio recording, for example, so I guess you’re right. I don’t like, however, that one of the main editors is also the one with the capital here. Just handing the artists the money and gave them fuck around independently is a way better process imo

>>22199929
>&amp is good
That's funny

>>22199723
No, this is a Gardner thread.
Here is the one that got deleted by the jannies:
>>/lit/thread/S22196413
Maybe, before Gardner decided to spend money to make a magazine...he should have checked if everyone hated him.

>>22202028
Bump

>>22197111
God /lit/ has become epic all of a sudden!

>>22202028
Holy shit /lit/ is lit... everyone is raging at each other, what the fuck is going on? Who is even posting? I'm so confused.

>>22202594
The guy seething there is Zulu Alitspa. Interim &amp editor that was supposed to cover for the mag while editor does his prison time. He hates Gardner with a passion.
&amp editor saw the promise in this Gardner mag and decided to put his full weight behind it. That full weight included ripping that editor job away from Zulu and giving him a little Gardner branded uniform. He’s not happy about this and has been publicly airing his frustrations out in the discord and here.

>>22203066
You have no idea who anyone is, and you know it.
Total spaz.
And if you're so sure who it is...then you need to answer the challenge and write a parody of his work.
Otherwise, you'll lose face permanently, and make it obvious you're just a brainlet that can barely churn out unedited pre-kindergarten gibberish.

>>22203379
Aww, Zulu doesn't wanna take credit for his embarrassing whining. What's wrong?

>>22197181
Sorry, where the fuck do you think a comma belongs in that report image? You had a whole conversation about this to be wrong?

>>22203066
Frank, you know fully well what’s actually happening here. Watch your tone or I’ll end the surprise sooner than expected

>>22203066
>Zulu is still CEO of &amp Media Inc
>Editor was cleared of charges
>Keyword is a honeypot made by Zulu and Hartley
>Gardner has already given them $2500 to ‘edit and design a magazine’ on his behalf.
Kek

>>22204327
>Zulu wrote United Airlines
>Frank seethes because there’s no way he could ever parry a return volley in this literary joust
>All Frank can do is act bewildered as all of /lit/ simultaneously dunks on him.

>>22197181
The creator of the hat you mean? the person who put the image together probably didn't make the hat; and even then, grammar is sometimes ignored for the purposes of design.

>>22204327
You probably shouldn’t admit to financial fraud on a public forum.

>>22197111
This bitch ugly as hell

>>22204491
What did he admit to?

>>22204186
You’ve got no surprises for Frank. You’ve already lost. He’s ending &amp before you even have a chance to do anything. There’s nothing you can do about it. You’ve been priced out. You’ve lost.
Now put on the Call of F.Gardner branded polo shirt and cap and edit those pages like the good little bitch you are Zulu. You can seethe all you want about it when you’re done.

>>22204573
This. Zulu is just bad that his new father figure has already abandoned him.

>>22197605
>>Paying per page and not per word
That's actually super smart if you think about it. They can play around with the page format and cheat you out of $40.

>>22203735
As I said...you have no idea who anyone here is.
>>22204359
I have no idea who wrote Call Of United Airlines, but this is an accurate depiction of Gardner.
I don't think I've ever encountered someone so resistant to getting a clue.
It's like he's a masochist.
That, or he literally has nothing else going on in his life, so he needs to hold on to being a "meme" until they pry it from his cold, dead hands.
>>22204573
Frank continues to count his chickens before they hatch.

>>22206007
bump

>>22206012
If you can't think of a more interesting and engaging way to keep a thread going, then you don't belong here.

>>22206062
Don’t sage a thread that’s on page 10 just because you want to get the last word in with your epic clap back.

>>22206165
You really think it was epic?

>>22206165
Since you're now such a big believer in decorum, how about respecting the rules?
Like the one on advertising/begging?
Your relentless shill-spamming is the source of a large portion of the animosity against you.

>>22206165
And will you actually respond to the glaring questions?
• Why are you so resistant to getting a clue? Your awful reputation has been staring you in the face for YEARS.
• Do you have anything going on in your life except being an expired meme?
• Do you understand that memes are short-lived and yours is never coming back? Think of Greta Thunberg, David Hogg, and Cindy Sheehan.
• Will you accept the challenge posed by "Call Of United Airlines" and write a parody of the work of the person you blame for writing it? Or are you genuinely incapable of it?
• If you respond to any of this, will it be with anything except simple-minded deflection?
• Wouldn't it have been better to let this disgraceful thread die?

So you bumped the thread, but have nothing to say, eh?
And you call yourself a writer.
One can only imagine Frank crying himself to sleep.