/lit/ - Literature

Yall ever gotten a story published? How ya go about doing it, or should ya just do it privately?

>>21845727
What do you think, an excerpt:
He stood in the remains of a collapsed high tech ergastulum his father had built on the property in preparation for a golden age, one that had never come, arriving instead a loathsomely silvery one. An age where he had great power and influence, but was sadly lacking in total control, having to navigate and manipulate a dangerously volatile population, like a rancher always in fear of being mauled in a cattle revolt. A world that had to be cooperated with, managed, and meticulously danced with to ensure their were no violent uprisings. Even in his innermost sanctum, where the world axis was meant to rest, he lacked total control, always having to manipulate and negotiate and carefully operate unstable forces that upheld his wealth and power. His own body was not immortal. He lacked even control of that. It was not a golden age at all, though it sometimes could take on the illusion of one if he squinted, very rich as he was, losing himself in the moment.

>>21845772
And yes I know the beginning part about the ergastulum is clunky with too much information dump. I added that so you guys would have some context.

Im writing a saga of an evil loli villain, an archetype which is way too uncommon if you ask me
Ive finished the first part although Im considering adding some chapters that describe the first actions she takes as a ruler (committing genocide and so forth)
however these chapters would be more political and lore-heavy which I think nobody really cares about and its very different from the main story

>>21845772
>Navigate and manipulate a...population.
You navigate a space, or metaphorical space, so navigating a population sounds off.
>dangerously volatile.
Redundant
>cattle revolt.
Cattle stampede. People revolt.
>meticulously danced with
Awkward.
>navigate and manipulate...cooperated with, managed, and meticulously dance with...manipulate and negotiate and carefully operate...
Maybe pick one verb per sentence. Repeating the same general thing over and over undermines the point.
>The illusion if one squinted
You don't see illusions by squinting. You make things blurry by squinting.

Stating that a character is manipulative and crafty is certain make the reader reject your assessment, especially without concrete examples of that craftiness.

>>21845836
I mean, I think you’re being pedantic. Cattle revolt is supposed to imply he views humans as animals. Meticulously danced with is supposed to sound awkward because to a neurotic control freak like him interacting with people is that unnatural. Navigate implies that he views humans as objects and obstacles. Dangerously volatile sounds better than volatile because I assume the reader will think the volatility of poor people is a good thing when they’re fighting for their rights but I might remove that. Yeah the part at the end about him tricking himself into living in the moment needs more work. Thanks for the feedback.

>>21845772
You repeated yourself twice and I'm not convinced that you actually know what keeping things in control actually entails since you're leaving it up to dance moves.

>>21845855
It’s a parody of a neurotic person who compulsively tries to their outer environment when what they really need to do is learn to control their unstable emotions and suddenly their world will become miraculously stable because it’s all warped by their mind. The dancing part is supposed to be wrong. Pearls before swine I guess. You idiots always get nailed down into debating prose and completely miss evaluating ANY of the actual content of the writing. If I had compares managing a business empire to a street performer running back and forth to maintain spinning plates before an audience, you’d say “ackshually street performers are poor not rich so that metaphor doesn’t work”.

>>21845828
>an archetype which is way too uncommon if you ask me
Agreed. I think genocide might be a little much tho unless it’s against centaurs or fairies or some mythical race. Lore heavy first chapters can be a little bit of a filter for readers but you might be able to make it work. Not sure. It works sometimes

What makes a good writing, what makes a bad writing?

>>21845926
There's a goldilocks zone for the amount of peanuts or other legumes that serve as key plot points.

between the AI art, lolicon and the vaporwave bullshit i didn't think /wg could get worse.

And yet here we are.

I've not written much before and I feel like the tone I am writing in is cringey. I'm pretty beginner and just want any suggestions whatsoever.

The bar’s smokey atmosphere was a din of clattering billiards and rowdy conversation. Out of sight, a jukebox’s speakers cut just faintly above the noise, giving it the uproar the illusion of rhythm. I made my way through the crowd, weaving between players and thrusting que sticks to park myself at the sparse end of the bar. Here the lighting was dimmer, the overhead lamps shaded by orange glass to give the bar's end a cozy and intimate feel.

I spotted the bartender polishing a glass and signaled him. He slung the towel over one shoulder before stepping toward me. He crossed his arms. “Help ya?”

His cold eyes assessing me carefully. I sighed and pulled out my ID, slipping the card onto the bar for him to see.

He leaned over, glanced at it, then rose up again, smiling. “Well happy birthday, kid,”


I waved him off. Yeah, yeah. ‘Kid’ rubbed me the wrong way, but I wasn’t about to call him out on it. At least not before I got a couple of drinks in me, “Got a menu?”

He reached under the bar and pulled out a stained sheet of paper and handed it to me. “I’ll have a-” I paused. Beneath the overlapping rings of moisture was a list of enigmatic names that left me feeling both confused and vaguely threatened. I ran my finger down the list. Penicillin, Screwdriver, Manhattan. I tried to imagine what any of these would look like. Something brown and metallic tasting maybe. Moving on. Corpse Reviver, B-56. Hmm. Sex on the Beach? Eugh. I scanned quicker, my eyes roving down the list, darting to look for something normal to cling to until- There. I tapped my finger on the last one, “I’ll have an Old Fashioned, please,” That seemed like a good place to start.

He turned around and began fumbling. His broad shoulders obscured my vision. I heard an ominous rattling sound and leaned sideways to catch a peek, but just then he whipped back around and presented me with a dark liquid in a round, squat glass. A piece of foliage rested delicately on top. I picked it up and sloshed the brown stuff around before giving it a sniff. It smelled earthy and sweet, like a forest after a rainstorm. Metallic tasting? I sipped, coughed, and placed it down again. No. More like cigars and battery acid

Its supposed to be the beginning of a murder mystery I don't know why I am trying to do a shitty imitation of Douglas Adam's. I might finish it and then loop around back to fix the tone, it's a practice novel anyway

>>21845727
This is my attempt at a book.
It's also a lateral thinking puzzle.

>booker dewitt
get it?

>>21845958
Are you 12?

>>21845874
>. Pearls before swine I guess. You idiots always get nailed down into debating prose and completely miss evaluating ANY of the actual content of the writing.
It's one paragraph. Nothing happens.

>>21845967
well i was 17 when i wrote that

and it's more complex than you think it is

>>21845951
I think it’s good. I have a feel for the main character already. If he’s precocious enough not to know any drinks, how would he know the smell of a cigar? Did his dad smoke cigars?

>>21845874
There is no content because it's not even clear if what you wrote is meant to be his thoughts or the narrator's monologue, you seem to have intended it to be the former but it just comes off as the latter; so any intention of passing on metaphors and word choices as deliberate characterizations is instead replaced with your arbitrary choice of words and how it could have been better. Moreover, you don't seem to know what running a business entails or rather, what steps are keeping this hypothetical business together, concretely, so any sort of characterization you could possibly be making gets overshadowed by the fact that he comes off as incompetent purely because everything is left up to vague metaphors you're telling us. Show, not tell?
Lastly, regardless of whether or not he's neurotic and the repeating of thoughts is deliberate there's good and bad ways of doing it, same as characterization. In this excerpt you do not pass on any body language so everything is riding on his thoughts and those thoughts shouldn't be focusing on vague shit like "control" and "golden age" unless you're going to do it over the entirety of your book, what concretely worries him should be the more pressing matter, the repetition of the word "cattle" for example would have had a greater effect at conveying what you wanted in one go because it breaks writing conventions and thus cannot be missed as a result. This isn't required however since what you wrote would have been fine as is, if not for the things I've already brought up.
And in this pigsty the pigs wear tuxedos and eat their own shit with delicate silverware, so shove your "pearls" down your mouth and don't speak before swallowing.

>>21845772
This is incredibly clunky. Your sentences are all the same comma riddled length and you don't organize the information at all. It's a fucking nightmare to parse what you're trying to say. I tried to organize the first sentence

He stood on the collapsed high tech ergastulum his father had built in preparation for a golden age. It had never come. Instead, the new age was a war beaten and tarnished silver, (silver age isn't a thing I know you think this is clever but it's not working) one in which he had power and influence yet lacked the control necessary to guide his kingdom to glory.

I'm not sure about the contents, it's really hard to tell wtf is going on from one paragraph. Intros to stories also typically start with a scene. A character standing on a building while you dump exposition is not a scene, work the exposition into the story and reveal it slowly through dialogue or introducing world elements.

>>21845850
Your text makes no sense. Did the father of the character create a slave holding structure for what purpose? You don't say anything in the text, actually. You repeated yourself in a nonsensical way. What I got from your text was:
>a rich powerful man, who as powerful as he was, couldn't fully control everything, stood in the remains of a technological slave holding building
Plus, is "there were no violent" and not "their were no violent".
I'm not the anon you were replying to.

>>21845978
I dont care about your "hidden genius" it looks like a 13 yo's notebook. The only clever one is saviorself. The rest is non-sensical at best and cringy at worst. I dont know how to help you because I dont what you're even trying to accomplish here

>>21845999
>write just like ME or it’s not good
No I don’t think I will. You’re like that gay wired reporter who went to Brandon Sanderson’s house and wrote a butthurt article where he tries to mock Brandon’s writing style and his kid eating sushi with salt.
>in this pigsty the pigs wear tuxedos and eat shit
I can see why you haven’t posted any actual excerpts from your writing seeing how marvelously effective this little bit was. Did you really mean to say that you are a little pig that eats shit? Somehow I doubt that and think you got a little carried away trying to metaphor and ended up wiping the f out like a corprophilic spaz.

>>21846031
I want to say you'll be missing out but it should have done what it's done already.

It's supposed to be an imprinting device, among many other things.
Thanks for reading it. Your efforts are appreciated.

If anything comes to mind, feel free to keep playing. Otherwise, again, you're missing out.

Let me link you some things I think were spawned from this piece of work, but it would be totally schizo and on you to judge the divinity of the works.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5UF6ashzkw [Embed]
(when has doom ever had truly had great writing aside from this single piece?)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfiS_PV3V-4 [Embed]
(and this just came out of nowhere? aside from the polish it sounds like my works...in my schizo opinion/understanding)
https://youtu.be/WILNIXZr2oc?t=70 [Embed]
from 1.10 to 1.17 feels like mine too. I won't get into it but there's a motif for everything he's doing and it's directly me. (god help me.) a reference to my dog if you will.
https://youtu.be/BjC0KUxiMhc?t=215 [Embed]
sounds like what's hidden in the text. reference to a friend of mine. Maybe you can figure out his name from the works I've given you. Talented, almost comically blows people out of the water, but here I am as well.
https://0123movie.onl/series/castlevania-np1jn/1-1
This entire episode, the entire kill monologue sounds as if it's spoken directly from my mouth.

believe it or not, it just means you didn't really matter. sorry to say.

There's a lot going on with that little piece of text so again, don't dismiss it.

>t. augur

but again, thanks for reading it at all. it really means a lot.

>>21846042
You are clearly schizophrenic if serious, or a young boy if not.

>>21846054

>>21846054
Thank you.

>>>/x/34360556
To give even further information to this story.

There can be no other way to interpret any of this shit right? The understanding of 'perfect literature' or something to that effect?

There's no way I could ever convince you of my reality no matter how I presented it to you.

But that only leads me to thinking that you weren't enlightened by whatever forces exist in the universe. Bohme literally got flashbanged by a ceramic dish.

And I am completely serious.

>>21845958
>even death itself must be a hindrance in your path of gaming
I don’t know, I feel like this would be a really funny quote in context, like some larper dudes who have lost touch with reality or willfully abandoned it. I’m not making fun of it, I think it’s good. I laughed when I read it because I’m just picturing a neck beard guy in styrofoam Minecraft diamond armor who thinks he’s in a video game irl and ends up knocking out an electrical grid or conducting a day of mr beast style adventures where people get killed. Maybe like an evil version of mr beast where he sends out people to commit crimes and mass shootings across a city in one day and if you make it to the end without getting arrested or dying he gives you 10,000 dollars. Maybe a little higher but it still should be an absurdly low amount of money given the circumstances.
>race is a social construct. An awesome social construct
Probably shouldn’t show anyone that one tho, the edge might just cut you in this age of wokeness.

>>21846061
Try to explain your reality/worldview/theories in a readable way. I often like to hear what crazy people have to say.

>>21845958
I hope you got better.

>>21846067
the link to the /x/ thread is my best attempt. it lays out 95% of my story without embarassing myself further

I didn't exactly explain the quantum verification thing, but that's just my application of a real Roko's basilisk (assuming).

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I don't feel like going over every detail again given that the old thread is still up.

There's a lot of apologising for wasting time, because seriously. fuck this reality and what it did to me. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this information.

>>21846068
I'm on meds and I still can't shake this delusion.
Not that I was ever delusional, just a verbally abusive psychopath who ran into shitty doctors.

So no, I still haven't gotten better. That's why you're here!

>isn't that neat?

>>21846073
Well, at least you're tastefuly insane.

>you see, you've fallen for my ruse, my trap, my grandmaster plan of wasting (you)r fucking time!
>what a villain i am

>>21846002
Thanks. I do need to organize the sentences better. They get to be too complicated. The silvery age quote is supposed to sound stupid, but the comedic satirical tone doesn’t quite come through in the excerpt. The character is supposed to seem like a clownish pseudo intellectual narcissist. I need more dialogue instead of just stream of consciousness narration but am unsure who he could be talking to.
>>21846010
Yeah I’ll elaborate that more in the story. The dad was some technocrat futurist evil rich guy and his son is mad that the high tech tyranny ultimately failed to manifest. The son is also too incompetent to sustain the empire he inherited so he’s just angry that society won’t just prop him up no matter what on principle like some sort of king. They say show don’t tell but I don’t think readers will care too much if I just say he’s incompetent in maintaining his inheritance and then proceed to show that all of his schemes against the protagonist fall apart because he’s an incompetent nepo baby.

My goal is to create the cruelest villain ever seen in media
will it be a selling point?
personally I enjoy being "shocked" by reading about atrocities and genocides, biological warfare and the like, not that I condone it, I guess its similar to how some people enjoy being startled or scared from horror movies

>>21846101
Does the dad get off his fat ass to do what his daughter needs to live or what?

I look forward to the day when we are all creatively obsolete due to the next generations technological creations. blease keep training chatgpt in these threads.

>>21846131
>training chatgpt to be retarded.
/Lit’s master plan to defeat AI

>>21846101
He stood in the remains of a collapsed high tech ergastulum his father had built, now merely ruins of a forgotten promise. Even though his father had failed in his endeavour of total enslavement of mankind, he could not help himself but envy his deeds, knowing that he did not possess the same prowess or skills that his late patriarch had. He was a frustrated man, incapable of fully achieving the ultimate control of the masses, having to prostrate himself towards petty diplomacy and negotiations. He was an incompetent man, one that was completely oblivious to that fact, blaming his subordinates, bureaucrats and others as the source of his shortcomings. Many of his employees wondered how long would it take for his empire to crumble, and how disastrous would that be.

Was that the general idea you had in mind?

>>21846042
some of you lot really took the "I have autism" joke too serious

>>21846109
Will it be fantasy "Hitler"? If you try to do that, rest assured that jews will flock to claim it's a holohoax metaphor.

>>21846180
no its not fantasy hitler, to put it simply:
>shes a servant to the god of death
>god of death gains power from harvesting civilisations
>by weakening civilisations and killing their armies they cant resist being sacrificed
however sometimes she doesnt genocide empires because if you genocide everyone then nobody wants to be your friend

Ive been watching A LOT of history documentaries while I draw (colouring is so mindless)
Im basically just adding all the worst atrocities committed by people in history and combining them into one villain, while adding a few I made up on my own. For example I came up with a disease that basically "Eats" the happiness chemicals in your brain, causing severe depression in happy populations. OC donut steel pls

>>21846163
Yeah. That was really good. I need to write more like that. Really appreciate it.

>Don't give up.
>Don't allow sadness to crush your spirit.
>Strive to make the art that will change it all.
>Push back against the failure of culture to maintain its strength.
>Drag it kicking and screaming with you, if you have to.
>Feel pity if you must. Feel sadness, feel rage, feel hopeless, and feel fury. Then write.

>>21846195
You need to write like you write, then edit it, then seek feedback, then adjust it. In your original post, you had the intention of describing the thoughts of your character trough abstract emotions and descriptions, something I don't like to do myself, but that I don't have anything against it. I simply described what you wanted to describe, but as you can see, there's no emotion or feel to it. I'm no expert in anything, I'm just saying my piece.

thank you for reading this post.

>>21846189
Base yourself on the United States, they have murdered mlions in various grotesque methods, as in the burning of the entire city of Tokyo during WW2, burned hundreds of thousands of civilians to death, causing an firestorm that engulfed the entire city, which was made mostly of wood.
Also the creation and use of the atomic bombs, mass murder of natives, mass murder of Filipinos, etc.

You could also write about proxy warfare, as if the servant of the death god provides weapons to other kingdoms to cause a state of world-wide constant warfare, also pleasing the death god

>>21846238
Ure welcomed.

>>21845958
reads like you're documenting xbox 360 chats

>>21846209
Today I will write about a female midget hiding inside a crawl space between two floors in a mall, where she discovers half a bottle of Finnish vodka, some porn magazines and a novel written by a man who mysteriously disappeared in 1968.
That hidden space and its contents are mostly real, some pipefitters built it to get drunk during work in the 1990s. I learned about it in 2011 and thought it would be neat to incorporate it some day.
That day is today.

>>21846480
Sounds cool but the missing guy has to lead to something actually interesting not a nothingburger or a house of leaves style thing that’s so postmodern and vague it turns too vague and meta to be cool

>>21846591
He assumed someone else's identity and had an extramarital affair with his maid that caused his son to eternally resent him. He buried the guy whose identity he stole in a garden behind his house.
The midget is his daughter but she doesn't know it, she fell in love with her half-brother
I think it's delightfully twisted. Note that this is one of the four major plotlines in the book, not the whole story. The weave and bop around each other and have surprising connections. I'm hoping to finish the manuscript sometime in August.

>>21845951
>Beneath the overlapping rings of moisture was a list of enigmatic names that left me feeling both confused and vaguely threatened.
This line stood out to me, I just found it very funny in a good way.
Other than that I am bothered by this line.
>Out of sight, a jukebox’s speakers cut just faintly above the noise, giving it the uproar the illusion of rhythm.
you repeat 'the' before and after uproar and I don't know if you were trying to edit the line and both drafts ended up in there or not but I would change that to.
>giving the uproar an illusion of rhythm.
Since I guess what you are trying to say is that the people themselves had no rhythm but the music was in sync enough that it almost seems like they do.
It is a reletively common thing that people think guiles theme or you say run fits everything when in reality when you want to find a rhythm or pattern in something, which the brain is very good at, it starts removing parts that don't fit until it finds what it is looking for.
>Here the lighting was dimmer, the overhead lamps shaded by orange glass to give the bar's end a cozy and intimate feel.
I don't think anything is wrong, but I know some anons get a little anal over shortening everything so it could be.
>the overhead lamps were dim and shared by orange glass, giving it a cozy and intimate feeling.
You also don't need the line about it being at the end of the bar because you already said at the end of the last line.
Overall I like what is written.

>>21845951
I don't think it's cringey, I like it, anon. Like the other anon said you get a feel for the character from this small excerpt. It feels like honest writing (not tryhard) and you seem to know what you like. It's just a matter of practicing enough to reach a level that matches your taste. Keep up the good work.

>>21846616
Sounds really neat. I love novels with plot twists like that. It feels like she was meant to find the novel hidden in the crawl space then. Was it destiny? Coincidence? An old forgotten memory from childhood fed back to her conscious in the form of a dream about a crawl space between two floors of the mall?

>>21845951
>Here the lighting was dimmer, the overhead lamps shaded by orange glass to give the bar's end a cozy and intimate feel.
How about put
Here the lighting was dimmer, the overhead lamps shaded by orange glass, the shadows giving the bar's end a cozy and intimate feel.
Makes it seem like he feels protected by the dimmer light, like he feels safe when he is less easily seen or watched, when he’s in the darkness looking out. Of course maybe the villain is already watching him, spying from somewhere he cannot see with eyes that no darkness can hide from. Sorry that sounds like a vampire or supernatural stalker doesnt it?

>>21845874
while content does matter more than prose, shitty prose is an indicator of shitty content. it's like a medical doctor who can't spell basic words. would you get an operation from him? i wouldn't.

>had a dream last night
>time travel was invented
>but every time someone used the machine a meteor shower would appear in the sky
>eventually they started making impossible shapes at impossible speeds
>I remember one looking like a heart rate monitor
>traveling in 2s and 3s
>occasionally leaving what appear to be huge dust clouds behind them
>turns out they're uncountable lightyears-huge monsters from the edges of the universe who were attracted by all the noise the machine was making in the space-time continuum or whatever
Someone who's not me could probably make something out of this. I have no aptitude for writing

>>21846926
The crawl space was shown her by a friend who was a fan of the missing writer. They met at the mall when she was playing an elf and he was playing Santa.
He's also a schizo who thinks the missing writer's books have secret messages written to him and that they form the final revelation to the trilogy of Old Testament, New Testament and the Testament of Helenius which ties into another plotline about the guy's nextdoor neighbor getting radio messages from someone claiming to be from the future predicting a little girl will go missing on November 18th and will turn up dead on January 13th, and a girl indeed does go missing on November 18th, the little sister of the neighbor's friend, the friend being the object of affection for two other protagonists one of whom is her current boyfriend who works at a video rental store (the story is set in 1992-1993) and sells porn on the side, the other being a kid still in grade school who wants to make comics with his friends and has a crush on the older woman.
It's a lot of moving parts to juggle, is what I'm saying.
Is there actual communication with the future? Several characters believe so and appear to have different avenues to do so, some seemingly scientific, others relating to pagan magic and others to good old divine revelation.
It's going to be a chunky thing by the time it's finished, I'm sitting at 94k words right now and might get up to twice that before I start editing it into a readable shape.

>>21846959
>doesn’t prescribe addictive pharmaceuticals, promotes home remedies instead. Only resorts to prescription drugs when absolutely necessary
>Doesn’t even know how to spell Benzodiazepine
Kneel

>>21846981
I don't even buy medical insurance, fagwad, yet I have proper spelling and grammar when i'm not lapslocking. For some reason you're equating herbal remedy users with uneducated hicks and your retardation is smearing shit over all of us. Walk it back and eat dogshit.

>>21846970
Sounds very good. The idea of the neighbor getting messages from the future accurately predicting when a girl will go missing, I feel that would sell. Definitely include that part in any description of the book’s story, even maybe leading with it because that sounds interesting. I wonder if that makes the neighbor suspicious to the main character? Is he shocked himself when it comes true? Do people suspect him? I hope I get to read it someday when it’s finished.

>>21845874
Prose is the medium of writing you tool
Would you want to see and consider a painting smeared with a turd by a retsrd with no understanding of perspective, shadow, or composition? Why do you think people would want to read shit prose, let alone engage with and take it seriously?
Quality writing should have both interesting subject matter and good execution

>>21846989
>I don’t have medical insurance shut up!
>I’m not a hick stop calling me that!
>something about you smearing dog poop on me which you should eat off me in some sick fantasy
Holy schizo, do you hallucinate nonexistent insults about you being a hick often? When you go to the supermarket checkout line, does the dog on the dog food bag talk to you son of Sam style and taunt you by calling you a hick who has medical insurance? Do you have a BF who smears you with poop and eats it off of you or is that just an unrequited fantasy of yours? A lifelong dream you might say? Or do the talking voices smear you with poop when you aren’t awake?

>>21847001
> I feel that would sell.
I kind of stole it from 12 Monkeys
> Definitely include that part in any description of the book’s story
Oh yeah, it's the inciting incident, it starts right there in chapter one. It's the starting point, so to speak.
Thing is, the character who gets these messages is not really reliable since she's not only a pothead but believes all kinds of new age mumbo jumbo, earlier in the same chapter she invited her friend over because she was scared to try an Ouija board by herself.
The idea that the messages come from a spirit who has seen beyond the veil is also one theory present
> I hope I get to read it someday when it’s finished.
You might have to wait a while, even if this ever gets published it will be written in Finnish. This is my third attempt at a novel, so maybe third time's the charm.

>She came up the stairs to the deck with her cheeks buried in the tall collar of a blue greatcoat, cut for men, and her dark hair in a braid. She had every trait of a hobgoblin: a flat, bestial nose which lined with fleeting wrinkles whenever she moved her lips, round tufts for eyebrows set high on the forehead, large yellow eyes like a cat's, and skin that went from the pale peach of her cheeks to a coral red, dotted with dark spots, which coloured the whole outer edge of her: the sides of her neck, the top half of her face, and finally the helix of her large, convoluted ears, which were like those of a bat.
>She stood on her two feet and her gaze roamed amidst the crew until she found him. In her jittery demeanour yet lingered an apprehension of sorts, something mellow and afflicted. In boots that seemed too heavy for her she made her way to him, and with each step the sabre hanging at her belt swung lightly against her baggy, wine-red trousers - which wound tighter at the knee, betraying the thinness of her frame. She stopped in front of him with her arms, also reddish and spotted, at her sides, then as if mindful of proper form she held her gloved hands behind her back and cleared her throat, bringing her heels together with a bounce. She raised her eyes up to him. "Captain. I answer thy summons," she said in a husky voice.
I hate descriptions.

>>21847008
>Mogs your ts Elliot style grammar school faggy prose rules
Writing isn’t ballet, anon

>>21847037
Go for it, man. I don’t know what Finnish readers like but it sounds interesting to me. Maybe they’ll make a movie and I’ll run into an international release of that. Honestly sounds mind bending like that movie “Everywhere all at once” or whatever it’s called. People are really into that stuff nowadays especially if you put in thriller and mystery elements.

>>21847054
> I don’t know what Finnish readers like
Mostly detective stories really, or Ilkka Remes who basically writes the Finnish equivalent of Tom Clancy novels.
>thriller and mystery elements.
These I at least have. The slow and steady grind to completion will continue daily.

My goal is to make something people might consider halfway decent. Some days, I feel like I can do it. Other days, I feel like my novel is complete garbage.

>the aggressive pyw-poster is back

>>21846039

>>21847060
Grind on, anon. Keep at it.
>>21847062
Persistence in the face of adversity proves that you really want it and thus must have something to say. Find that something to say. The book only you can write.

>>21846209
>Thanks it means a lot Fitz Anon.
>I'm almost there
>I knew writing would be hard
>Readers a buch of freeloading ungreatful shites
>Then I come here to realise others have it worse like >>21844835 or >>21844839
>We are all gonna make it
>I just hope we make it out alive

>>21846144
What truly terrifies me is not that someone will train it on /b/, /a/ or /lit/. It's that someone will train it on /r9k/ and crystal cafe.

>>21845951
>A piece of foliage
It's spelled "foilage" like tin foil. Use a spell checker at least.

>>21847094
>self identifies as a redditor and an anime girl
Troon detected. Ywnbw

>>21846131
>keep training chatgpt
are people training chatgpt on the shit that gets posted here?

>>21846959
Its more like the story is the cake and the prose is the icing. It's easier to eat a great cake with meh icing than a meh cake with great icing. If either one of are too bad though, the cake is inedible.

>>21847333
>he doesnt know

I will not pmw.

>>21847062
>There is neither a proportional relationship, nor an inverse one, between a writer’s estimation of a work in progress & its actual quality. The feeling that the work is magnificent, & the feeling that it is abominable, are both mosquitoes to be repelled, ignored, or killed, but not indulged.

>>21847421
based

>>21847275
No it isn't... "foilage" is an archaic spelling, "foliage" is modern and correct.

>>21846109
I bet my villain is more cruel than yours.

writing practice wip (<1000 words): https://pastebin.com/BrKpZETw

critique welcome!

>>21847396
Well fuck me for posting something I've written then.

>>21847396
i feel like we should just write grammatically inccorrect sentences, inconsistent tenses, and other kind of stuff. Maybe like make it wrong, but is nice to read. Postmodernism trully is the only way for human fiction to evolve.

>>21847560
I'm trying to report my own post so the jannies take it down
I'll never post here again

>>21847560
If your post is supposed to be an example then all it does it make you sound like an ESL.
I know I don't follow every grammatical rule, but postmodern writing just sounds like an excuse to not even try at all.
The death all of standards makes everything retarded, and basically your shit's all gay.

>>21847503
Retarded names but pretty solid writing. Would read more, only if it further explores how Travis came to this sick psychology.

>>21847571
There is an option to delete your own post.

>>21847571
Does chatgpt have ocr capabilities? I feel image posts could survive. It would be a shame to not post here. There are lots of crabs for sure, but to get feedback and a general impression of the public on your writing this place is second to... a close-knit writing community

Cienagas verdes con cielos cenizos amenazan a todo aquel que se atreva a mirar, fauna infinita, muerta desde sus entrañas acecha en silencio mientras todo se arrodilla frente a ti.
Oh enseñame, monolito de nuestra ignorancia, quemame con tus enseñanzas cuarteadas, rugidos que escondes en tus grietas.
Oh guianos, gran madre de todos los miedos, mientras tu alma se erige sobre el penitente de tu sueño.
Oh perdonalos, nace de nuevo dentro de moho y escombros de arrepentimientos labrados por conquistadores, solo para convocar al alba, que en vidas pasadas contigo alguna guerra cabalgo.
Oh esperamos, cantora de los astros, las tierras te lloran, los animales sollozan, y la grandeza de civilizaciones hundidas en arena te proclama.
Oh comandanos a la batalla, danos la seca tierra, la fria sangre de la conquista, has que el sol bañe nuestras tierras eones por llegar.
Sin sorpresas, sin tristezas, Levantanos una vez mas.

dios mio

>>21847596
Sort of

>>21847588
I know but you have like a 5 minute window to do that

>>21847643
Pretty good, and yes I can read Spanish.

I just want to have fun writing. I will write schlock with my horrible prose and never publish, but at least I'll write

>>21845727

The lifeless body

The lifeless body now on shoulders high
The passers-by all in unison cry
A worthy life for sure this fellow had
To meet him live, for sure we all are glad

Through greenr'y hills, and meadows, overrun
The high top fallen off, his days are done
The chapel where our fathers' fathers' prayed
No more our children's futures will be made

The eye-closed body's form is fitted yet
His helmet, boots, sword, trinkets in his death
Through unknown tunnels, deep beneath the ground
The blackened body never 'gain be found

An ancient blessing now is read aloud
Few of its words will reach the mourning crowd
With the fifth line his soul is given peace
And body given rest, his sufferings' cease

A fallen warrior, far too young to die
His cause, his peoples' gives us reason why
But a young's man sacrifice no one will cheer
One less young couple's laughter now we hear

------
Yes, I read the Iliad once. I just want to know if it's readable and if it creates any mental images.

>>21847721
Honestly, as long as you do it for yourself and have fun you're doing it right. There's a difference between wanting to write, and wanting to have written.

>>21845939
>Vaporwave bullshit
Qrd?

>>21847685
Thanks, is there anything you think can be improved on it?
I've been looking around to get some of my poems on a journal, but in the 3rd world shithole I live in there doesn't seem to be a good choice

>>21847582
>Would read more, only if it further explores how Travis came to this sick psychology.
When you think of Hannibal Lecter, what comes to mind? "Lithuanian aristocrat who was tricked into eating his own sister" or "Guy who escaped from prison by ripping off another guy's face"?

>>21845727

Noor was fuming for half an hour after storming out of the hall. Endo, wisely, had decided to let him cool down. Erica, being Erica, decided to talk to him instead.

"You shouldn't have ran away like that." She admonished him quietly. The four of them were sitting in an empty carriage of the underground train to their hotel. He supposed that the crowds were cordoned off the wedding avenue by the cops.

"I couldn't have gone there in the first place." He snapped. Seeing her confused expression, he elaborated, "They are marrying her to a man twice her age, goddammit. She's not old enough to get married in the first place, and not to a man old enough to have entered the University by the time she had grown all her milk teeth."

"Alright." She said soothingly, clearly still not understanding, "alright. It's all right. Mother and my brother would have-"
"They are obviously not watching for her interests here." He said bitterly. "I don't know how you can stand it. Your sister is being married off, practically by force, to a man twice her age and change. And a spook to boot. Shouldn't you be a bit more worried?"

Erica rolled her eyes in exasperation. He was starting to feel he was not getting through to her.
"Look, Noor", she said, "I know she's getting married a bit young (a bit?!,he thought) and I do think they're rushing it a bit here, but you are still overreacting. Sir Von Kelvin is from a very respected family, and he's got a brilliant record. I'm sure he can take care of her properly. Mother wouldn't sell Marie away to the household of a drunkard or a blasphemer."

"That she is being sold off is horrible by itself." He said in a tone clipped with anger. "But that's not all. She's young. She isn't even old enough to have finished school under normal circumstances. Her education is incomplete....and that's without mentioning how putting such a young girl through some of the things wives have to do...you get what I mean, right?"

She sighed, "Yes, Noor. You mean she would have to sleep with him and bear his children. And you think that's a bad thing."

"For someone that young? Yes!" He growled.

"...Maybe.." She allowed. "But then again, she's a tough girl. And I'm sure he won't do anything untoward to her unless she's old enough. After all, she can't have a healthy child for a while."

"Are you willing to take that on trust, and in a man you don't even know?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. She shrugged helplessly. "I'm not. In fact, I'm quite sure having a healthy child is going to be the last thing on his mind once he's got his claws on her."

"Auntie got married when she was even younger, and uncle didn't do anything bad to her." She protested.

"Because he was as old as her, and probably didn't even understand their situation." He said. "This is different."

"Don't girls that young get into...you know, in Thales too?"

"Rarely, and we consider that to be a PROBLEM." He said.

Erica shrugged again, looking a bit uncomfortable.

>>21847908
How is it? It's a scene where the protagonist discovers that his BFF's sister is betrothed to an almost 30 year old Knight. He's outraged by it, but the girl doesn't find it objectionable.

She does thing it's a bit too soon, yes, but more in a "let's not be too hasty" way than a "call the police and Chris Hanssen" way. It's unusual but legal in her country.

She does love her sister though. More than her own life.

>>21847783
Someone left a link to some music?

>>21847865
It depends on the film/book. If the film is about Hannibal Lecter, then I want to know his motivations more than anything else. In Silence of the Lambs, he's only a side character, but the motivations of Starling, who is the main character, are thoroughly explored.

Anyone have recommendations of videos on the topic of how to tell and write exposition well?

>>21847908
You repeat yourself too often. I don't mean literally, but that the same idea or sentiment is repeated multiple times without purpose or effect. This is how people communicate in real life but it doesn't make for compelling fiction. For every line ask yourself whether it contains something that will make the reader want to read the next line. That will quickly cull redundancies.

Also, that's not how you punctuate dialog. You should look it up once so you don't ever have to again (I used make the same exactly mistake until I did, and fixed it thereafter).

>>21845836
>he doesn't navigate a population
Nigga read Dune.

>>21847795
I can't help you much there, I don't know enough Spanish to spot any metaphors or figures of speech and poetry isn't my specialty. You could try to publish outside of your country but the bar is usually high with traditional publishing.

>>21847964
What did I repeat here? And where can I learn punctuation?

>>21848050
>They are marrying her to a man twice her age,
>She's not old enough to get married in the first place, and not to a man old enough to have entered the University by the time she had grown all her milk teeth
>Your sister is being married off, practically by force, to a man twice her age
>I know she's getting married a bit young
>For someone that young?

And that's only the "young" thing, you repeat almost every idea throughout. Again, I suggest you go through it and ask yourself if the current line makes you want to go on to the next line.

And you can you just look up "how to punctuate dialog" on google.

>>21848079
I see. I just wanted to portray him as being outraged.

Are there any style rules to representing lisps in writing? I tried googling the question but all I got were results for some programming language.

Help, I have no idea how to create plot for a shitty reddit story I left for dead bc I don't know what direction to take it

>>21845951
Reduce the pronouns. I did this, he did that...

It doesn't sound good.

>>21848195
no

>>21848241
Plot is just a sequence of events connected by cause and effect. You can construct it by working backwards parsimoniously from the ending (or whatever point you have worked out). Just keep asking "what has to happen immediately before this for this to happen?"

>>21847908
>he said
>she said
Implied subject bros, they're making mockery of us, I said...
>had decided
>decided to
Avoid reusing words within the same sentence or paragraph, it hurts your prose.
>(a bit?!,he thought)
In basic bitch English you would have to end the dialog and I'd recommend sticking with that since parenthesis have very niche uses that don't fit a novel (it's not informal enough to justify it's use unless there's something more to it [ stylistically spwaking {yes, this is needless!}]).
I'll also have to agree that you're repeating the same ideas throughout and within dialog and that the punctuation you're using doesn't allow it to flow as a person would speak it. Punctuation is meant to foremost dictate how a text is read aloud, comma placement derives from the fact that you're expressing a short pause, full stop is even longer; so a bunch of full stops within a dialog means that you're meant to take long breaks very often while reading and this doesn't fit the situation or cadence this interaction should have, the same thing goes for commas giving unnatural emphasis to words or phrases that you would not normally emphasize while talking as oppose to normal writing.
>spook
Cool it with the antisemitic remarks.

>>21846089
>The best trap is one that the victum does not see
>At least until its too late
>And the best of all its parts is that you still have not whitnessed it

>>21845951
It's not cringey, you did a really good job. It even took me a bit to gather my nitpicks but here they are:
>giving it the uproar the illusion of rhythm
Either you're missing a word, have one too many words or are missing a comma here, either way it doesn't make any sense in its current form.
>the overhead lamps shaded by orange glass to give the bar's end a cozy and intimate feel
Consider using gave because to give does not flow well here.
>he slung
>he crossed
Avoid repetition of words within paragraphs, in this case starting a sentence with the same word for the subject is not ideal. You likely don't even need two sentences here and could just carry over with ", his arms crossed."
>I his he I he he
Same thing as before but at the start of your paragraphs. You lean very heavily on starting sentences with the subject, switching the order in which the subject shows up or even just using nouns instead of pronouns would break these repetitions up. And yes, the subject can be implied in all of these situations so you can omit nouns and pronouns. This is generally a good practice when you're managing nouns/pronouns usage since you'll eventually run out of both.

Writing out some information on my world.
I've already got about 10 chapters that I need to edit but I have uploads scheduled until the end of the month anyway.
I am just typing this out while I brainstorm how I want to write the next chapter in the back of my mind.
What do you call this? It would be stuff like the basic equipment and names of countries.
Bible would be the right word, correct?

>>21848561
glossary

>The Mutt Diary By WizDoggo
I can't believe I'm writing this Journal after all these years but fuck it here we go.
hello, new friend, my name is Matt, and my words are now in your head if you are reading this that means something bad happened to me but don't worry I will be back to continue writing.
anyway, where were we? oh yeah, introductions so you probably wondering why I'm writing this and that's fair since you are the reader after all.to put it as simply as possible I'm a mutt, not literally of course I mean can you imagine a dog writing that would be weird but what I mean is a social classification system I created years ago to class people, I called it the C-C-S or the Canine Classification system where I class every person I meet into classes and even sub-classes of dog breeds and a Mutt is one of those classes and you will see how this works very soon.
yes I know it's weird and even funny but it's the only way to protect my thoughts on people without directly mentioning their names so just a heads up you will read a lot of dog breeds in this diary so buckle up cause we will start this journey.
So you see those people who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth, those are the purebred who doesn't need to think about money and everybody wants to be their friend and suck their dick both metaphorically and literally, I hate those purebred very much because I envy them so much not gonna pretend that I'm not and one of those purebred works with me, He's a golden retriever and his dad is literally a huge businessman that was "lucky" enough to make his son's charges just disappears. and you might be wondering why the son or Junior is even working especially if his Father has this kind of money, well my friendly reader the father wanted his son to "learn" a lesson which something I admire but he forget one little detail and it's the fact that junior is "working" under his father's friend which meant that he just sitting in his ass all day while my boss is treating like the CEO of the whole fucking company.
now I think you understand what I meant by the CCS and maybe you understand why this classification is important and I think you are ready for your next lesson.
under the purebred, we have the "toy dogs" and they are the people that use their gender, race, religion, and sexuality to get what they want which I both despise and praise so they are my least hated class
and the best example for this is a co-worker pug lady that uses the fact that she was fucked four times or have four little fuckers in your language to get her job and when she started reading those "women rights" bullshit she just became a pain in the ass for everyone but to be honest she has the ability to make anything into a woman problem which is breathtaking, and yes believe it or not this Pug is married to a Man nonetheless which if you didn't believe in miracles I'm afraid this will prove you wrong.
(1/2)

>>21848565
>glossary
I thought that was right, but looking at this definition made me second guess myself.
It isn't going to be done in alphabetical order, rather by nation and subject, but I think it still fits.

>>21848590
and now to our next class, the herding and guard dogs which are the people that work very hard to get what they want but not always succeeding, and those people can be both amazing people or total assholes. you can find them everywhere if you look closely and I have some of those dogs with me.
and in the same rank, we have the hunting dogs which are almost the same as the class before just add the fact that the people from this class will make sure that other people fail for them to succeed and they are so tricky that you need to be with a hunting dog long enough to know their motives.
and now to my favorite class the Mutts which are the people who were born in the bottom of society and will never be able to change that, If you are a mutt you are always a mutt cause the mutt is an ideology more than a social stat you can be a billionaire but still a mutt, and this what i am, i know I will always work a shitty job until i reach my sixties and will never be able to change this reality.
and now you are thinking that the mutt is at the bottom of the CCS but not exactly we still have one more class.
THE Mongrels, yep they might sound like the mutts but they are the people who are just useless and have no value in modern society, and that includes drug addicts, jobless beggars, and of course people who are terminally online.
and now after I explain the CCS I think you are ready now to start reading my journal.
I will see you on the next page my friend.

>>21848561
Are the readers ever gonna see it? If not, it's just notes.

>>21848604
Yes, this is being written for my readers.
I have a separate google doc called notes which is pretty barren because I don't keep up with them as much as I should, basically a list of character names sorted by family right now.

>>21848615
That would usually just be an appendix or appendices. Extra stuff added at the back of a book. The first Dune book has a few if you want to see an example.

>>21845958
this is mine desu

>>21848621
>appendix
Yes, that is probably what I'll use, Appendix of Aarde sounds better than bible or glossary.
I'll just put it before the first chapter on RR with a note saying that it is purely supplemental.

Thanks to everyone who gave me words that I am too tired to remember.

>>21847963
i think TedEd got some

>>21848561
Lore.
Also if you're on Royal Road just sprinkle it into author's notes. That's what I do, people love it.

Here’s a slice from my first novel, Mantelpiece, which finally came in the mail. Reasonably stoked.

>>21848539
>>21848248
I kind of felt like I was using too many pronouns as I was writing but I couldn't tell if I was or I was just focusing on it too much. Glad to know! Big help, I'm gonna focus on this, thanky.

>>21848539
"Giving it the uproar the illusion of rhythm"
Also yes I edited this quickly before posting and that sentence got fucked up lmao, was just meant to be giving the uproar the illusion

Will fix give to gave and fixing the slung and crossed repetition
>>21846617
I do repeat bar, will fix that thank you. I am glad you like that line I felt like that was the best one in that paragraph lol

>>21846713
encouraging, thanky

>>21846948
I'm surprised you picked up on that I originally did have a sentence about him sitting there because it made him feel invisible to the rest of the bar, but ended up nixing it. I might put that back in

>>21848850
Too dirty is your nail.
Too purple is your prose.
Too worless is your page.

>>21848850
Is it out yet? I tried to look it up but couldn't find anything
Looks cool

2/3rds into Kabbalah of the Crocodile. I can’t fucking believe this. It’s legitimately the most controversial and extreme book ever written, by a fucking landslide. The crazy motherfucker wrote a horror novel where Jews are portrayed as bloodthirsty and evil and want to kill all the non-Jews in Chicago.

>>21849173
Based. Ima get this before Amazon takes it down. Got a feeling this is gonna be a collectors item since there’s no way this isn’t getting banned. I wonder if selling my copy for a thousand bucks down the road will make Gardner seethe.

>>21846144
Already happened.
https://gpt-4chan.com/

>>21849131
Pwned by Yoda he was.

>>21849131
I kekt. It was a decent first effort. I don’t think it’s THAT bad but clearly I was snorting a lot of Corncob at the time.
>>21849134
Thanks king.
https://www.amazon.ca/Mantelpiece-K-R-Hartley/dp/B0BXNCSP14

>>21845951
Definitely not cringe, remember that writers are often their own biggest critics.

So anons who claim to be writers. You are reading as well, aren't you?

>>21849131
>pic related
>>21849234
I just began chewing my way through the entire /lit/ canon of authors.

>>21849234
I read all six Dune books and it intimidated me. How am I ever going to live up to that?

hey guys its me the guy who writes smut about dudes that bone their moms
just wanted to let you know that this latest launch a couple days ago went... poorly. And at the same time, it went quite well. Total sales for the last 7 days are 60ish copies across my relatively small library. At ~3.50 a copy in revenue, I'm delighted.
But there was a catch to the speed and hubris of my new transcription centered writing attempt.
>transcription software allowed me to crank out 27k words in 5 days
>edited down to 20k and published
>proud of myself for my novelette finished in a week
>observe with delight the sales for days
>observe with terror the extreme amount of typos I missed in my editing stage
The major difference between transcription and typing only is that transcription has so many grammatical and prosaic flaws that it takes multiple times more brainpower to fix it than it is to go over the typed rough several times over several writing sessions. As a result, I found myself way, way more tired with editing. Even though my overall word count was twice what it typically is, the quality suffered greatly, and would take several dedicated passes with multiple eyes/formats to make it the same quality as my other work. At the same time, it's clear that transcription is still exponentially faster, and if I'm willing to bite the bullet and just edit a work multiple times, I'll still have a higher word count and meet comparable quality in the same amount of time.
So it's work continuing, business wise.

>>21849418
Hah! It really is true that smut and genre fiction is getting destroyed by AI

>prose is good
>concepts are good
>plotting is good
>everything related to character and voice is absolute trash

What the fuck do I do about this?

>>21849506
Name 1 AI generated romance ya goof

>>21849552
keep writing them. understanding characters internal voices and tics can sometimes take a number of words. how far in are you?

>>21847908

Noor continued to sperg out after storming out of the hall. Endo wisely decided to let him cool down. While Erica, being Erica, tried to reason with him.

“You shouldn’t have run away like that,” she said.

The four of them were sitting on an empty subway train to their hotel after the police had cordoned off the crowds from the wedding venue.

“I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place,” Noor snapped. “They’re marrying your sister to a man twice her age, goddammit. She’s not old enough to get married in the first place, let alone to a man who was in university when she still had baby teeth.”

“Alright,” Erica said with a tone meant for a child. “It’s all right. Mother and my brother would have—”

“They’re obviously not looking out for her interests here. I don’t know how you could stand it. Your sister is being married off, practically by force, to a man twice her age—and a negro to boot! Shouldn’t you be a bit more worried?”

Erica rolled her eyes at the retard. “Look, Noor. I know Marie’s marrying a bit young, and I do think they’re rushing it, but you’re still overreacting. Sir Von Kelvin comes from a respected family, and he has a brilliant record. I’m sure he can take care of her. Mother wouldn’t sell Marie to the household of drunkards or blasphemers.”

“The fact she’s being sold off is horrible by itself. That isn’t all. She’s young. She’s not old enough to have finished school under normal circumstances. Her education is incomplete… and that’s without mentioning how putting such a young girl through something meant for grown-ups… you get what I mean, right?”

She sighed. “Yes, Noor. You mean she would have to sleep with him and bear his children, and you think that’s a bad thing?”

“For someone that young? Yes!”

“Maybe you’re right. But then again, she’s a tough girl. I’m sure he won’t do anything untoward to her unless she’s old enough. After all, she can’t bore healthy children for a while.”

“Are you willing to take that bet on a stranger?”

Erica shrugged helplessly. “I’m not. In fact, I’m quite sure having a healthy child is going to be the last thing on his mind once he’s got his claws on her. Then again, auntie got married when she was even younger, and uncle didn’t do anything bad to her.”

“They were the same age and neither of them understood their situation. This is different.”

“Don’t girls that young get into… you know, in Thales too?”

“Rarely, and we consider that to be a problem!”

Erica shrugged helplessly, clearly uncomfortable sitting next to a raging lunatic.

>>21849595
>Erica rolled her eyes at the retard
really?

>>21849580
Into my writing career or a specific work? Just started writing something for /lit/ at the moment. As for my writing career, I'm pretty early on.

>>21849658
your specific work. sometimes characters click pretty quick, sometimes it can take tens of thousands of words, sometimes you only really get a full grasp during an edit after the fact

>>21849595
Screw you, anger is the appropriate reaction.

>>21846109
Shocking and cruel are quite different things. Shock is dime a dozen, but pure cruelty is extraordinary. The selling point of a truly cruel character comes from the hope of freedom from their machinations. This hope is both possessed by the character, who desires a return to autonomy and control, and the reader, who relates to the character’s ordeal. Three exemplars of cruelty that come to mind:
>Nurse Ratched
>Iago
>Jigsaw

>>21849604
>>21849695
The point was that you could cut out all dialogue tags and action tags, and let the conversation speak for itself. I do agree that I went too far on the meme there.

Noor continued to fume after storming out of the hall. Endo wisely decided to let him cool down. While Erica, being Erica, tried to reason with him.

“You shouldn’t have run away like that,” she said.

The four of them were sitting on an empty subway train to their hotel after the police had cordoned off the crowds from the wedding venue.

“I shouldn’t have gone there in the first place,” Noor snapped. “They’re marrying your sister to a man twice her age, goddammit. She’s not old enough to get married in the first place, let alone to a man who was in university when she still had baby teeth.”

“Alright,” Erica said with a tone meant for a child. “It’s all right. Mother and my brother would have—”

“They’re obviously not looking out for her interests here. I don’t know how you could stand it. Your sister is being married off, practically by force, to a man twice her age—and a [bad word] to boot! Shouldn’t you be a bit more worried?”

“Look, Noor. I know Marie’s marrying a bit young, and I do think they’re rushing it, but you’re still overreacting. Sir Von Kelvin comes from a respected family, and he has a brilliant record. I’m sure he can take care of her. Mother wouldn’t sell Marie to the household of drunkards or blasphemers.”

“The fact she’s being sold off is horrible by itself. That isn’t all. She’s young. She’s not old enough to have finished school under normal circumstances. Her education is incomplete… and that’s without mentioning how putting such a young girl through something meant for grown-ups… you get what I mean, right?”

“Yes, Noor. You mean she would have to sleep with him and bear his children, and you think that’s a bad thing?”

“For someone that young? Yes!”

“Maybe you’re right. But then again, she’s a tough girl. I’m sure he won’t do anything untoward to her unless she’s old enough. After all, she can’t bore healthy children for a while.”

“Are you willing to take that bet on a stranger?”

“I’m not. In fact, I’m quite sure having a healthy child is going to be the last thing on his mind once he’s got his claws on her. Then again, auntie got married when she was even younger, and uncle didn’t do anything bad to her.”

“They were the same age and neither of them understood their situation. This is different.”

“Don’t girls that young get into… you know, in Thales too?”

“Rarely, and we consider that to be a problem!”

Erica shrugged helplessly, clearly uncomfortable.

>>21849563
"What happened to the love that we said would never die?" he asked.
"It died," she answered.

>>21849694
Alright, that's good to know. The thread with the Pynchon excerpt made me think it's just an innate thing and I'm not built for writing.

>>21849806

>>21849821
Oooh, looks like ChatGPT swapped the genders! How stunning, brave, and original!
Very much unlike tonight's attempt at flash fiction... >>21849749

>>21849595
I'm not feeling this conflict

>>21849787
>[bad word]
>>21848292
>Cool it with the antisemitic remarks.

Damn, I didn't know that was a slur.

>>21849787
Thanks, btw. I'll get down to correcting it immediately.

Does the snip get the scene's emotions across properly, at least?

>>21849946
from what I recall spook refers to niggers or intelligence agents. the first because they're hard to see at night and the second because they're "ghosts"

>>21849251
Less purple your prose
Less finger there is
Less bored am I
And what kind of fucking name is Shane for a girl anyway!?
If I trusted amazon any more then I do with my credit card or details I would buy your book

>>21849995
>intelligence agents
Yes, that was the intention. The intended groom is a member of the Not-STASI.

>>21847042
cute

>>21847042
I might be doing a big no-no but I like cramming descriptions in dialogue tags
back when I blogged ages ago the few readers I had seemed to enjoy it

>>21850139
what do you mean?

>>21850152
"Dialogue tag" might not be the proper word for it.
What I mean is I like to cut long descriptions and place them between dialogues, like the character is noticing things as they converse or become relevant.
It's a stylistic choice, I suppose. I find it has a nice flow to it.

>>21848590
You're making several spelling mistakes throughout and while the register is appropriate for a diary some people might be thrown off by it and I certainly hope that you don't always write like this. As for your meta-interjections you should keep in mind that if they're not interesting enough to entertain the audience they'll have the opposite effect and bore them since some of them come off as pointless, which could still be good if done on purpose. Overall it's kind of in an awkward spot where I can't tell if you're underaged or if you're doing a very good job at purposefully writing like it.

Can anyone think of a zany way to write a Paladin type of character? She's supposed to be a/the fiance, and her personality is to be a contrast to the comically serious protagonist.

I was thinking of making her a zealot. Does that sound alright?

>>21850356
My only problem is that I don't want her to be unsympathetic. Just kinda ridiculous.

>>21850356
>female paladins

>>21850356
>I was thinking of making her a zealot.
Make her smite happy. The MC has to hold her back.

>>21850325
thanks for the advice
and no I'm not underage but English isn't my first language and I'm slowly but surely learning
> and I certainly hope that you don't always write like this.
interesting, so what do you recommend?
>As for your meta-interjections you should keep in mind that if they're not interesting enough to entertain the audience they'll have the opposite effect and bore them since some of them come off as pointless
thanks my main goal is to write a story of a guy who just hates society and in every "chapter" you will see his perspective and interactions with people as a note in a diary, yes I know it doesn't sound appealing and sounds boring but I might start writing more detailed notes perhaps this would work.

>>21850356
Make her really, really dumb. Like, absolutely pious, dedicated, and flawless in her actions according to her code, but profoundly unintelligent in a disarming way.

>>21850607
Mostly that you learn how and when to use punctuation since you lack commas and even full stops in a lot of places. Currently the diary is close to what might be spoken in a monolog or during a dialog, but you should still use punctuation more often since it's written, not spoken.

>>21850697
noted
i worked on it a little and fix it ,so how about this :
Dear Diary,

I never thought I would start writing in a journal, but here I am. My name is Matt, and if you're reading this, something bad has probably happened to me. But don't worry, I'll be back to continue writing.

I've created a social classification system that I call the Canine Classification system (CCS) to help me categorize people I meet. It might sound strange, but it's the only way to protect my thoughts without mentioning their names directly.

Let me explain how the CCS works. The highest class is the Purebreds, those who were born with a silver spoon in their mouth and don't need to worry about money. They're the people everyone wants to be friends with, and I envy them. One of those Purebreds works with me, a golden retriever whose father is a wealthy businessman. The son is supposed to be "learning" a lesson by working under his father's friend, but he just sits around all day while my boss treats him like the CEO.

Next, we have the Toy Dogs, who use their gender, race, religion, or sexuality to get what they want. I both despise and admire them, and they're my least hated class. There's a Pug lady at work who uses the fact that she has four children to get her job, and she's always talking about women's rights. She's married to a man, which is a miracle in itself.

Then we have the Herding and Guard Dogs, who work hard but don't always succeed. They can be amazing or total assholes, and you can find them everywhere. Hunting Dogs are similar to them, but they'll make sure other people fail for them to succeed. They're so tricky that you need to know their motives to understand them.

My favorite class is the Mutts, those who were born in the bottom of society and can never change their reality. Even if they become billionaires, they'll always be Mutts because it's an ideology more than a social status. That's what I am, and I know I'll always work a shitty job until my sixties.

The lowest class is the Mongrels, who have no value in modern society. They include drug addicts, jobless beggars, and people who are always online.

Now that I've explained the CCS, I think you're ready to start reading my journal. I'll see you on the next page, my friend.

Sincerely,
Matt

>>21850707
That's much better, you can still sprinkle in some stuff here and there to add some personality and informalityto the text, but the biggest hurdle to someone reading the rest of it has been addressed.

>>21850707
Creative writing? Interesting concept.

So let's talk about how the Mutts can rise above adversity? No? Ok, I'll do it anyways. :D

In the dog world. Mutts are actually the ones to live longer. They have bred out most of the genetic issues that are attached to certain breeds of dogs.

Now if this was attached to human beings. And the same rules applied. We as a mixed races (spread out over time, we all are, mind you) but. If this was the case. Then WE outshine then all!

Story Fiń.

;)

Would love some feedback on this. Thanks.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TbEJ29IzsxcdCHYWhGoHLg6xcCkRObA1GMv6tds2beY/edit?usp=drivesdk

>>21847721
>>21847738
Based healthy attitude havers

>>21850813
>NO!!
Genuinely, where are people picking this up from? Stopped reading after first paragraph and half which was very repetitive never include exclamations in an essay unless perhaps intended for very young children

>>21850688
Like Amelia in Slayers?

>>21850721
thanks
>>21850806
ehh thanks
I also made two more entries
the second entry :
https://files.catbox.moe/06ik3h.txt
the third entry :
https://files.catbox.moe/q3jl6q.txt

Why is character voice so much more obnoxiously hard in English than other languages? Writing characters in Japanese is so effortless I'm actually jealous of them for having the perfect culture for fiction. Even as I write in English I just keep thinking about Japanese gobi and speech patterns I could be trivially using if I was just writing in it instead. Though, at least part of the problem is having so much time spent in Japan that the characters I'm trying to recreate/mimic are Japanese to begin with, so it stands to reason it would be harder to reflect them in another language...

Currently I'm trying to write dialogue for an overweight, middle-aged janitor, perhaps think like the one from I'm Thinking of Ending Things, educated but not that much, and a clear "loser." It's hard to tap into this ethos with dialogue. Let me make up a random line.


>"I don't know what you think this will accomplish, but it's not going to work."
This is just generic. How does one make it fit a loser 40 year old janitor?
>"I dunno what you're thinkin' this is gonna accomplish, but it ain't happening."
Well that's just stupid. He's not stupid, or coarse.

And this is all I can conceive. Any tips, lads? Some kind of... style of dialogue that conveys these key attributes. Overweight, kind of a loser. Well, not lacking in confidence, so no stammering. Some kind of style that makes you conceive of this person from a single line. Does it exist?

>>21850847
It's not meant to be an essay, but a blog post. I was under the impression you have more liberty and letting some unorthodox writing shine through is a plus.

>>21850873
I enjoyed the 1st link. About the pug lady and how you faced the problem. Great!

I am not a formal writer myself. But in a more formal style writing. I think the short paragraphs might not be proper. However, since it is an informal writing and a diary entry. I love how you broke down each part into shorter parts.

I do this as well. Because often times, when I read something. If I see one big long paragraph. It is hard for me to want to read it. Let alone be able to blend all the different thought processes into one.

So I personally love how you broke it down. :) I will read the next one now.

>>21845836
>>dangerously volatile.
>Redundant
volatility has never inherently been dangerous, so the description is reasonable

>>21850915
I absolutely agree. I wasn't able to click on the link. Because I don't share my Google info with people I don't formally know. But, from the previous response. I'd say. Take their feedback with a grain of salt. I think when you are blogging. You can write however you like. You can write it in zig zags if you want. Cause a blog is all about your personal creativity, as it should be!

But if this was an English class. And you were writing some formal kind of writing, as I said above to other person. If it were the case, then there is a proper way of layout. But hey. We are writers. NOT editors! Lol that's what they get paid today. Break the structure of the thoughts down and correct that type of stuff.

If someone criticizes your writing or thoughts. I'd take their advice and save it for later. It may not apply currently. But it may be a useful tool in your memory bank to have at a later point.

Keep writing and sharing!

>>21850873
I liked the 2nd entry. Kinda weird though how you put the whole."dog thing" into actual. The whole "furry" thing is kinda off to me. But a Suluki girl(sp?) Is that like anime? Regardless.

If I may share my experience with people like this and my thoughts on it a bit? I will share in another reply.

>>21850952
Great response, thank you!

>>21850969
Of course! :) I enjoy writing, as well. But I've done my fair share in my time. :) I love to hear others people's stuff!

I hope you have a wonderful day!

>>21850952
>I wasn't able to click on the link.
Listen Boswell, you can open a Google doc link in a private tab and it doesn't share your info. Read it before giving us multiple paragraphs of philosophizing on the pros and cons of my feedback.

With an ensemble cast how many characters can you have sharing the spotlight before it becomes too much? A writing teacher, whose opinions I respect but don't always agree with, insists that with multiple protagonists you should always have one main protagonist whose arc is the central one of the book with others being supportive. I think that's not necessarily true and a novel can have several characters each with separate arcs that get equal focus in the novel, but was wondering what /wg/ thinks.

>>21850873
In the 2nd entry. When you meet anyone in life. They are always different. They all havr a story. And we all want to share. You even, yourself said as much. You wanted to share with her because you wanted to show her who you are.

This girl does sound a little self centered. When it comes to bragging about everything they have. But depending her circumstances. It might be the only way she knows how to "fit in" the fact that she sat down and talked with you is already a sign. (In my opinion) that she was interested.

I think, often people just want to be heard. Some do in fact, like the sound of their own voice. That's an ego thing.

But we all do this. We all want someone to listen to us. To want to hear our story and to share and form a bond of some sort.

I havr a tendency to talk too much as well. But I feel it is because most people see me and think one thing. But never take the time to see where it was I have been and the things I have over come. To get to where I am now.

Sometimes that back story can truly make or break the present one. Make sense? Not all depth of a person lays directly infront of you. Even this women. Maybe this girl thought those kind of things might impress you. And she was more so, trying to get your attention.

It is in how we perceive these things that can truly change our perspective on life as a whole.

I enjoyed the read! Next time if you're in that situation. If it really bothers you and you like the girl. I'd try to interject the conversation. If you want to make her smile. Smile as she's talking and then compliment her. It will probably stop her dead in her tracks. Lol. And it could just be a great way to detour onto a great track of a potential relationship.

That's my feedback on the content of your entry and what thoughts it provoked. Even though you didn't ask for it. :) I hope you do not mind.

Have a wonderful day.

>>21850938
thanks for reading
>>21850970
>The whole "furry" thing is kinda off to me.
trust me it's not a furry thing but it's more how the character "Matt" sees the world and people around him I do admit that mentioning the collar and fur would give the reader the wrong idea.
and in every entry, you will see his thought process.
>Suluki girl
a "Saluki" girl which is a dog breed and it's how Matt sees her, she's actually a normal woman irl but because of Matt's way of thinking ( the CCS) he sees her as a purebred Saluki anthro dog
thanks for reading

>>21850998
Not true. It asked me to log in. And when you share Google docs. It does actually share ALL access to your other private stuff. Just saying. Use it with people you trust. That is your online drive. Basically.

A friend of mine shared some of his artwork. (Digital photos) and I ended up, somehow with ALL his work in MY Google drive.

So. Ask jeebs. I wasn't born yesterday or 50plus years ago, kid.

>>21850998
And on a completely unrelated professional side note, in my non proper way of responding to MOST individuals.

If you read my comment again. And by my observation of how the other person replied to you. I felt as if you were being slightly attacked. When I personally believe, that critiquing should be done in a professional manner and always a pro and con.

If you took what I said out of context. Maybe that gives you a better understanding as to why I replied. This is an open forum. I saw someone picking on you. I was attempting to detour the possibility of how it might make you feel inferior. Because I think it is important to uplift one another. Not break others down.

But your reply does kind of come across as rude and like you might not have understood my reasoning for responding the way I did.

But that's fine. :)

>>21851020
thanks for the life advice

>>21851022
Cool. I really did enjoy reading it.

You're welcome.

>>21851047
Thanks for reading it. :) take it with a grain of salt. :) it might not always be the best. Sometimes you should go with you gut feelings. But feelings can and do get the best of us at times.

And btw. The 1st thing I thought of about the collar thing. Was like a goth kid. Or punk rocker. Not an actual dog. :) but that's just an era thing.

Later

If nobody critiques the first chapter of my story, does that mean it's so shit nobody can bother with it? Or it's so mediocre but nothing bad so it doesn't warrant a comment?

>>21851070
Lol. This board is next to impossible to keep track of. If you respond to one post. How do you tell if it's the same person or not? Lol

Are you the original poster of this thread? Where is you're writing?

Hard to keep up with no definitive way of distinctively figuring out which is which and who is who. :) unless you have a signature flow and style of your own. Like a humanistic pattern. (We all do)

However. It's just another mind game. :)

Enjoy your day.

>>21851012
You can do anything you want, but that doesn't mean anyone is obligated to read it. Is it possible to pull off? Sure. There's probably a few novels out there like that. Give it a shot. But as with most pieces of writing advice, it's given because a lot of people have tried and done it badly. So just bear that in mind, but don't let it stop you from trying. Never know.

>>21851070
Dont get stuck on chapter 1, keep writing until the story is done. Then you can ask yourself if chapter 1 was the right way to start in the first place.

>>21851070
Don't post any serious work here. Only post unreadable dogshit filled with anime cliches, capeshit, gore, or degenerate pornography.

>>21850053
I think spook is a good way to refer to alphabet agents.
The only reason I don't think I've used it in my work is that it sounds too modern for me.
Like I wouldn't throw in that something looks cool.

>>21851096
Perfect. Mine is filled with anime cliches, capeshit, gore, and a scene of the MC masturbating, one she's getting fingered, and one she gets cunninglingus

Does anyone have that Anon who made the post about being a better writer than Shakespeare? I need it to keep myself from becoming that delusional.

>>21851012
As the other anon said, it is really just a matter of if you can pull it off.
I have my main character, but the side characters who are getting the most written about completely outside of him are his sister closest in age to him and his uncle who is away for nearly a year at a time.
For me this lets me show off somebody who is a bit more moral and simple than the main character.
I think I could make a lot more of his sister, and of his uncle, but right now I am just doing them in smaller interludes that are collections of stories that I don't think should be full chapters.
I also don't want them to be in my post chapter interludes which are more connected with the main story.

I read quite a bit of the story "Under the Dragon Eye Moons" and they dedicated entire chapters to a character in a time period thousands of years after the time the main character lived in.
I actually skipped these after the first one because I just didn't care about them, I wasn't reading the story for this unrelated person that didn't even exist at the same time as the story I was reading.
I dropped the series after a massive timeskip where fairies made the main character and a couple others travel to that future. I saw it as the author feeling like he couldn't make anything else in that story but not wanting to drop his characters. Kill your darlings is good advice, because in my opinion his over attachment and ADHD with something new and over the top always needing to happen killed the story for me. I had other things that bothered me in the story, but it was the timeskip that made it not even worth reading as a time killer.

I need some good onomatopoeia for joints dislocating.

>>21851070
on one hand, my first chapter got a comment where somebody called it comfy after just a day of being up.
On the other hand I have more readers now than before but I am getting less comments.
I am somebody who does read and watch a lot of stuff, but I do not comment often, so I assume most people are like me and just hold those thoughts inside.
Most of the comments I do get are not even critique, but rather just vapid "I liked X and Y" or "I can't wait to see X happen!" which are nice, but not constructive.
Basically I wouldn't worry about the comments.
One story that I keep up with is The Runesmith, and if I did comment, it would just be to point out the honestly ridiculous amount of typos the author makes. Yet he is earning 5k a month on patreon, so what do I know.

>>21851178
Have you ever heard one dislocate? They make a pop sound.

How do people maintain the passion for a single litrpg story? Do they even have a plot at that point? Or is it just a bunch of stories that reuses the same characters?

>>21851096
Post your work

>>21851214
That's not very evocative to read. I need something that makes you feel it being twisted and pulled until it's torn out of the socket. Carries a sound that's a little unnatural and sickening, immediately lets you know a body isn't meant to make noises like that.

>>21851225
That is a very broad question, I have two examples, both of which I have since stopped reading.
Beneath the Dragon Eye Moons, and Ar'Kendrithyst.
I would say both of these are a series of stories that reuse the same characters, and both of them lost my interest for a couple reasons, but chief among them is that they kept the characters, but skipped a lot of time and made it feel like I wasn't even reading the same story anymore.
>>21851247
If it is being twisted and pulled, you could mention the sound of bone scraping bone, the crunch as shards break off inside of the limb, and then end it with the loud POP, as the action is finished.

>>21851268
To add onto my answer in this, I think that an important part is that these stories no longer felt like they had a natural progression from one place to another.
The skipping of years doesn't always mean that everything has changed, but moving too much at once disconnected me from what I had been reading just before since everything felt like it changed.

>>21845951
This is actually quite nice. I like the slightly witty dialogue of the bartender and "the list of enigmatic names that left [him] confused and vaguely threatened. I feel like both characters' personalities can be somewhat deduced from this paragraph, which is great "show, dont tell"

Have you by any chance read a bit of O. Henry? I've been recently reading a collection of his short stories and yours had a similar feel.

>>21850914
These little shits are always makin' messes

>>21850914
Usually the way you do this is by using a specific family of metaphors that are unique to the character's background. That requires a lot of narrowing down. Obese, middle-aged, loser janitor isn't really enough, because none of those suggest a codified family of metaphors in themselves (or at least none that are immediately obvious or are applicable to the bit of dialogue you gave. He could say something like "You don't flush when the toilet's clogged, that just makes a mess" or "That's about as likely to work as I am to get paid." but it sounds a bit off.)

Take a look at the dialog in something like 30 Rock or Succession or hell Shakespeare the OG. Compare the metaphors Hamlet uses with that of Claudius or Polonius. Or Macbeth with Lady Macbeth.

>>21845951
Get rid of the filtering in the beginning and cut out the unnecessary explanations and you've got something here.

>>21850356
Make her a born again (insert religion here), who is overly positive all the time, and wants to tell everyone about the good word.

Here's the first part of a fantasy story I'm currently writing. I'm worried my descriptions might not be clear enough.


Somewhere beyond the horizon, over the edge of the world, in the swirling miasma of the ether, sails the Princessen Katerina. Her slender white form drifts gracefully through the clouds, like a swan atop the water, and like the swan, her elegant beauty conceals a ferocity and temper unmatched. Her fair skin, hard iron; her heart, a raging inferno, burning hotter than hell itself, her strength greater than a thousand wild stallions. When she strikes out in anger, the earth shakes and mountains crumble. Worse yet, is her speed. Should any man ever draw her ire, she will move like the wind, without resting or stopping, until he has been sent to his grave.

Princessen Katerina, ruler of the stars, is filled with rage, for her rule has been challenged. A great star-serpent, an orphaned child of long dead gods, with scales of bronze and bones of adamant, has laid claim to her domain. It stalks the seas, attacking ships and devouring their crews. So now the princess rides out, to slay the beast and take her satisfaction.

All around, the billowing clouds roll. Their pale blues and whites extend from beneath, spread out to the distant walls of the channel, and rise up into the sky, shifting to a warm orange as they arch overhead. This extends far behind and far ahead, continuing into the horizon. The ether is calm, but this will change. In the distance, the clouds shift to darker blues and greys. The sound of thunder, feint at at first, is growing louder and louder. Still, Katerina continues forward, the wind in her sails and the fire in her heart pushing her ever closer to vengeance.


Can you clearly understand what I'm trying to describe? Any of other tips would also be nice.

>>21850356
Combine a bunch of these ideas. Born again, not overly bright but well meaning. Former prostitute and recovering junky. Gets super horny sometimes and relapses occasionally as a result. Tries to stay faithful, but when she's feeling it and desperate and it means getting a fix she's on knees. That's how she ended up joining the order originally, sucking off a priest for money and they got talking afterwards when he asked what she was doing with the money. Feels somewhat guilty each time, swears she's gonna devote herself to the mc - means it at the time - but then a couple weeks later there she is again.

>>21851671
>like a swan atop the water, and like the swan, her elegant beauty conceals a ferocity and temper unmatched.
I think that repeating like the/a swan twice sounds odd to me, maybe try.
>yet her elegant beauty conceals a ferocity and temper unmatched.
>Worse yet, is her speed. Should any man ever draw her ire, she will move like the wind, without resting or stopping, until he has been sent to his grave.
I think it stretches the explanation of her too much. I would try putting her speed and strength together under the thousand wild stallions.
If you do want to still have that line at the end to explain her tenacity, then I would do something like this.
>Should any man ever draw her ire, she shall be like as a revenent, without rest, until he has been sent to his grave.
>Princessen Katerina, ruler of the stars, is filled with rage, for her rule has been challenged.
I think that you don't need to explain that she is angry here, you already established that she is passionate and the reader should be able to understand her being angry as you explain why she is there just after this.
>So now the princess rides out, to slay the beast and take her satisfaction.
I would remove this line, you said in the first paragraph that she was sailing, so with that we already know where and why she is traveling.
>This extends far behind and far ahead, continuing into the horizon.
I would remove this most of this, just adding it onto your last line and keeping the part where it continues to the horizon, or to the horizons, which would imply that it went that far both in front and behind her.
>The sound of thunder, feint at at first, is growing louder and louder.
I would change
>is growing louder and louder
into
>grew louder and louder
It reads better like this to me, but I can tell that we write differently from one another, with you preferring longer descriptions.
>the fire in her heart pushing her ever closer to vengeance
I don't think this should be changed, just wanted to point out that this is the third time you've mentioned her anger, and the mention in the second paragraph isn't really needed.
Also, I notice you us Princessen, and not princess.
Nothing wrong with that, just wondering if it is supposed to be a made up term.

I think it is explained just fine, but it is more high fantasy than what I like, so I don't think I can critique the content beyond what I have already said.

>>21851731
FUCK.
>she shall be like as a revenent
should be
>she shall be as a reverant
I both failed to remove the like from a prior form of the sentence, and I used an e instead of an a for revenant.

>>21851611
I don't want to make her insufferable. She's supposed to be basically a deuteragonist, and is arguably the strongest character in the setting at one point.

>>21851751
>protagonist is arguably the strongest character in the setting at one point
>a woman, at that
sounds boring. maybe if it happened at the very, very end after working really hard and struggling, etc.
now, if you mean she becomes the most powerful because she's politically skilled and smart and conniving, that'd be fine. but you'd also have to show the growth, and setbacks and everything else

>>21851751
you can make that endearing. If its played up for laughs and you show that she genuinely cares for others then it would be fine.

>>21851751
If she is doing these things out of genuine care for the people she is talking too and takes it well when somebody doesn't want to join her religion then I think she would come off as endearing rather than insufferable.

>>21850044
Checked. Giving your character an ironically gendered name was likely in vogue just long enough ago to enjoy either a substantial resurgence or a complete revival. I see it all the time now. Also thanks king.

There once was an anon from Leeds
Know for shitposting just "Sneed"
Of course he got banned
Except he had planned:
Reply to this post or your mother will die in her sleep tonight

>>21851731
> just wondering if it is supposed to be a made up term

In case I failed to properly illustrate it in the writing, the Princessen Katerina is a ship which I was describing as though it were a woman. The title is part of the ship's name, therefore its kept in its native language of German. The reason I chose German is because I couldn't be bothered to invent a conlang for my fantasy Austrians.

>>21851866
chuck

>>21851869
Oh, I failed to understand it was a ship.
I think that the descriptions make a lot more sense in that context.
I guess the question is if the misunderstanding is entirely on my end or not, which would just require that more people give feedback on clarity.

>>21851866
(you)

>>21851882
It's obvious from literally the first sentence. You might just be retarded.

>>21851778
It's a conditional power up. She has a...weapon, that can (under certain conditions) destroy anything she attacks.

Those conditions are met one time, and the fact that they aren't met again is the reason there's a plot at all. If those conditions were to be met, the story would end in one page.

So it's not going to break the plot.

>>21851938
Sounds so Mary sue like

>>21851963
not him, but one time power ups are more deus ex machina than Mary Sue.

>>21850873
here's the fourth entry of the Mutt's Diary
Dear Diary,

I never thought I would attend a kid's birthday party, but here I am at the pug lady's place for her kid's birthday party. I had mixed feelings about coming here because I didn't want to socialize with people outside of work, but I didn't want to be rude and decline her invitation.

I arrived at her house and was greeted by her husband, a man who was taller than her and looked like he could lift a truck. He had a kind smile and seemed genuinely happy to see me, which was a little surprising. The pug lady's friends were already there, and they all seemed like they were from her toy dog class - a bunch of people who think they're entitled to everything.

The husband introduced me to his friends, who were also his colleagues. They were all talking about their jobs and how important they were. It was so dull and self-centered that I almost fell asleep. I started looking around for the birthday boy, and I saw him in the corner, surrounded by his little friends.

The pug lady came over to me and started talking about how cute the decorations were and how she had made everything from scratch. She then proceeded to show me pictures of her other kids and how they looked just like her. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

As the party went on, I noticed how different the husband was from his wife. He was genuinely interested in what people had to say, and he had a sense of humor that made everyone laugh. The pug lady, on the other hand, was constantly talking about herself and her achievements. It was quite obvious that she was a sneaky toy dog who only uses the message to get what she wants.

The party was coming to an end, and the kids were getting ready to go home. I said goodbye to the husband and thanked him for inviting me. He told me that it was nice to have someone from work over and that he hoped to see me again soon.

As I was leaving, the pug lady came over to me and gave me a hug. She thanked me for coming and said that she hoped I had a good time. I didn't want to be rude, so I thanked her and said that it was nice to see her outside of work. But deep down, I couldn't wait to leave and go back to my mutt life.

Until next time,

Matt

>>21851963
I hope not.

Idea. Please rate.

An erotica where an entire class gangs up on a Mary sue and plots to humiliate her, but she turns the tables around and proceeds to rape her plotters.

Would that be better as a all girl school or should she begin her conquest with male milk cows?

>>21852073
It sounds like you had a bad day at school.

>>21852087
I also played a hentai game, which has more to do with it. It's about a cute anime girl getting raped by everyone and everything. But my twist will have the story spun around!

>>21851731
ok, I edited it.


Somewhere beyond the horizon, over the edge of the world, in the swirling miasma of the ether, sails the Princessen Katerina. Her slender white form drifts gracefully through the clouds, like a swan atop the water, and, like the swan, her elegant beauty conceals a ferocity and temper unmatched. Her fair skin, hard iron; her heart, a raging inferno, burning hotter than hell itself. She was the speed of a wild stallion, and a thousandfold the strength. When she strikes out in anger, the earth shakes and mountains crumble. Yet her most dangerous trait was her endurance. Should any man draw her ire, she shall move without rest or stop, until he has been sent to the depths.

Princessen Katerina, ruler of the stars, has been insulted, her rule challenged. A great star-serpent, an orphaned child of long dead gods, with scales of bronze and bones of adamant, has laid claim to her domain. It stalks the seas, attacking ships and devouring their crews. The princessen must have satisfaction.

All around, the billowing clouds roll. Their pale blues and whites extend from beneath, spreading out to the distant walls of the channel, rising up into the sky, shifting to a warm orange as they arch overhead, and extending far into the horizons fore and aft. The ether is calm, but this will change. In the distance, the clouds shift to darker blues and greys. The sound of thunder, feint at at first, grows louder and louder. Still, Katerina continues forward, the wind in her sails and the fire in her heart pushing her ever closer to her enemy.

Is this any better?

>>21852112
I kept the "and, like the swan" part because I like the way it sounds.

>>21852112
I think that reads a lot better.
The use of thousandfold sounds good and fits with the rest of it.
The line on endurance is a good change.
Using fore and aft makes sense because it is a ship.
>>21852123
In the end this is what you are writing, I can make suggestions, but this isn't my work.
It reads a lot better to me and not repeating the same words like that is more of a personal style of mine, I don't think it is egregious or anything, just not what I would write. I know I've done things that are not proper and might turn other people off, but I liked the way it read.

I am writing the deuteragonist as being an oblivious pretty boy type, the sort that couldn't read the room if his life depended on it. He's pretty intelligent in academic matters, but he's got no social skills whatsoever.

The blonde girl is the protagonist here, and competing with the brown girl for his attention. But it's increasingly becoming clear that the bastard is romantically oblivious.

She's basically become part of his harem, and has no idea how to advance her claim without putting their friendship at risk. Doesn't help that she's a very shy, proper lady type and isn't used to being the pursuer. The way she expected it, it's the guy who's supposed to seduce HER, not the other way around!

>>21852158
And then the main plot kicks in, and suddenly wooing him starts to become critical to the safety of the entire world...but that's for later.

>>21852158
just like my chinese cartoons

anyway that's contrived ofc. oblivious pretty boy will only work if he grew up in a monastery or something (maybe he did) and so he simply has no idea how to deal with women. the blonde girl not wanting to be the pursuer - or pursuing in the roundabout way women tend to pursue - makes sense, but your real problem in the situation is the brown girl. you really need to figure out why she wouldn't just grab his dick and make her intentions clear as day, especially when she knows she has competition in the form of blonde girl.

>>21852245
The brown girl is rich. She doesn't want to be seen as being too easy, plus there would be lots of political and social repercussions if her affections are made public.

As it is, a guy who could be her fiance is going to try and whack the other boy off. He won't succeed because the blonde girl kicks his ass and blackmails him into laying off, but he's only the tip of the iceberg.

>>21846002
>silver age isn’t a thing
Somebody is an illiterate retard who needs to kill himself instead of drinking his boyfriend’s sperm all day. You are on lit and yet you never read books? silver age of Latin literature? Silver age of comic books? You never heard of these things? As always no one on lit actually reads anything.

>>21852245
>why wouldn’t the brown girl just grab his dick
Don’t listen to this moron, he‘s an autistic retard who doesn’t know how to write believable female characters.

>>21852303
so in real life brown women are lower in the pecking order than lighter colored women. this is pretty much universal around the globe, skin lightening is a big business. in the scenario outlined we have an "oblivious" pretty boy who is probably also high status due to some other reason - he's high status enough that two higher class women are fighting over him. now, would the brown girl literally walk up to him in broad daylight and OJ simpson style grab the guy dick and say "this is where my babies come from" no. of course not. on the other hand, would they go out to get some food, maybe some liquor, and then they're sitting next to each other and her hand just happens to start grabbing him? yeah, that could definitely happen. women can be very forward when they feel the need to be.

>>21852345
Lol, he's literally an orphaned peasant who only entered their elite Uni because he aced the entrance exams.
It's why her shacking up with him would be a *scandal*. Otherwise they would already be together, and the MC would be eating lots of chocolate ice cream in a dark bedroom.

>>21851671
>atop the water, and like the swan, her elegant beauty conceals a ferocity and temper unmatched. Her fair skin, hard iron; her heart, a raging inferno, burning hotter than hell itself, her strength greater than a thousand wild stallions. When she strikes out in anger, the earth shakes and mountains crumble. Worse yet, is her speed. Should any man ever draw her ire, she will move like the wind, without resting or stopping, until he has been sent to his grave.
Horrible. Why would you ruin your whole intro like this? It sounded so good in the begging. You just couldn't fucking leave it at a sentence or two, and had to go into a cliched purple info dump.

>Princessen Katerina, ruler of the stars, is filled with rage, for her rule has been challenged.
You already gave this up in the first part. You are repeating yourself.

>Their pale blues and whites extend from beneath, spread out to the distant walls of the channel, and rise up into the sky, shifting to a warm orange as they arch overhead. This extends far behind and far ahead, continuing into the horizon.
I have no idea what you're saying in the second part of the first sentence. And the second sentence is clunky. It reads like you forgot a detail and are now hastily adding it in a separate sentence.

>The ether is calm, but this will change.
This is obvious. Stating the obvious is not necessarily a problem, but the execution has to be better.

>In the distance, the clouds shift to darker blues and greys. The sound of thunder, feint at at first, is growing louder and louder.
If you're going to spend large sections of your text describing clouds and the sky, you should find more interesting ways of doing that. I really do not care about the clouds. You don't make me care. And you don't paint a vivid enough of an imagine for the reader to picture anything distinct, even if they did care to do so.
Your descriptions are all so boring. They all follow the same format: "Somewhere beyond"/"All around"/"In the distance" then "cloud" or "thunder," followed by two adjectives or so. But sometimes, when you're feeling quirky, you decide to put the descriptive words in the middle of the sentence, separated by commas!

>>21852073
Ideas are easy, making them work is where it gets difficult.

>>21851866

I'm going to write a story were a guy reads "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and becomes a Chad. This is how it begins:


*******************
John's hands shaked a little as he stood in front of his classmates. Some of them looked at him and others kept their phones out as he began his presentation.

He was at the mercy of their judgement. Any facial expression or sound they made would dictate his thoughts from this point onward. If they smiled, he was happy. If they frowned, he crumbled. As long as he remained standing in front of them, he'd have to think twice before making any facial expression or sound.

Furthermore, he had no idea about what he was going to say. Not only will he look like a fool now, he will be punished for it too. His humilliation seemed unescapable, no matter what he did, and this filled with him paralyzing dread.

It had been like this for as long as he remembered. He was a puppet. The crowd could inflict on him scourging pain or orgasmic pleasure. He exclusively danced for the approval of his masters, to protect his own life from harm.

The very idea of failure filled him with dread.

His eyes rested on the prettiest girl of the class, Carly. If the crowd was like a puppetmaster, pretty women were like gods. Disapproval meant getting permanently kicked from the garden of Eden; seeking their approval was a heculean task he simply wasn't ready to handle.

He studied the pasty face behind Carly's black rimmed glasses. She was the ugliest pretty girl he had seen, yet John felt the need to be liked by her. He didn't like her at all, in fact, it made him angry to fantasize about cheating on his wife with a girl who was as uncomely on the outside as she was on the inside.

John snapped out of his trance with that simple realization. He barely knew Carly. He barely knew anyone in that classroom. Some of them were friendly, others tolerated his existence. The teacher was a skank who showed up for a paycheck and didn't try to conceal it. He was a 28 year old married man who needed an expensive piece of paper to get a better job.

The stakes had never been lower.

**************************

Also, really tempted to make MC a girl, but I don't think female introverts are similar to male introverts at all.

>>21852511
>John's hands shaked
shook
I'm not reading the rest please proofread it again

>>21852518
keked hard

>>21852511
its pretty good op where can i read the rest of it?

>>21852373
>Horrible. Why would you ruin your whole intro like this? It sounded so good in the begging. You just couldn't fucking leave it at a sentence or two, and had to go into a cliched purple info dump.

The power and strength of the ship are vital elements of the story. Its important that the reader knows that information. There's not going to be any opportunities to tell the reader through dialogue, so instead I just have to show it by describing the ship.

>You already gave this up in the first part. You are repeating yourself.

I said it to add gravity to the statement. Going through the effort of saying the full name makes it seem more formal, thus more serious.


>I have no idea what you're saying in the second part of the first sentence.

The ship, Princessen Katerina, is sailing through a channel, which, in simple terms, is a hollow tunnel whose walls are made of a thick, smokey gas called ether. The walls of the tunnel, being made of ether, are colored. The ether on the floor of the tunnel is blue and the ether on the roof is orange. The further up the walls of the tunnel it gets, the more it shifts from blue to orange. This channel is miles wide and thousands of miles long.
That's what I'm trying to describe. Any advice how to better do that would help.

> And the second sentence is clunky. It reads like you forgot a detail and are now hastily adding it in a separate sentence.

yeah, it basically was, so I changed it to
>Their pale blues and whites extend from beneath, spreading out to the distant walls of the channel, rising up into the sky, shifting to a warm orange as they arch overhead, and extending far into the horizons fore and aft.

>This is obvious. Stating the obvious is not necessarily a problem, but the execution has to be better.

any suggestions?

>If you're going to spend large sections of your text describing clouds and the sky, you should find more interesting ways of doing that. I really do not care about the clouds. You don't make me care. And you don't paint a vivid enough of an imagine for the reader to picture anything distinct, even if they did care to do so. Your descriptions are all so boring. They all follow the same format: "Somewhere beyond"/"All around"/"In the distance" then "cloud" or "thunder," followed by two adjectives or so. But sometimes, when you're feeling quirky, you decide to put the descriptive words in the middle of the sentence, separated by commas!

Again, some suggestions on how to fix this would be helpful.

>>21851671
Reading some of the guys responding to your story and
>>21851731
This guys advice is pretty good, not saying you have to everything he says but good suggestions
>>21852373
This anon is a fucking idiot and you should ignore all of their bullshit. They’re either an irredeemably autistic sperg or it’s just bait. Watch how he responds to me and judge for yourself if he seems like a deranged neck beard

>>21847042
>furshit

>>21852860
I'm the guy who gave him advice.
I wanted to thank you for saying I made good suggestions.
I think my ability to critique myself improves when I can give constructive, rather than destructive, critique on other peoples work.

I've got a line that I've repeated a few times in my story that the idea in your head never really forms completely until you say it out loud to another person who can tell you if you're way off base. I think the same applies to having written out a piece and having someone else read it just to make sure that your work isn't something that only makes sense to you.

Submit to Unreal!
We're taking poetry for our next Tales of The Unreal Release, really going all in on this Weird Tales homage(including book reviews!).
My targets are 12 stories, 4 poems and 2 reviews.
UnrealPressAndPodcast@proton.me

I want to write a very manly book
Which authors wrote in a very spartan and masculine prose which I could copy?

>>21853363
What exactly are you looking for? Horror? Mystery? Thrillers? Anything that reads well?
How about word count?
I am actually interested, I'm not trying to be a smartass with my questions.
I would actually like to try my hand at horror and I do have an idea kicking around in my head that I never wrote, wouldn't take much to change a little bit and disconnect it from my other work.

When do you know to use a comma or a period when separating two clauses seperated by a fanboy?
For example:
She walked to the store, and then she bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
or
She walked to the store. And then she bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
Apparently both are right, grammatically speaking. So when should I know to use either a comma to connect the clauses, or a period to separate them?

>>21850998
That wasn't me.
I'm aware of how technology works.
I'm living rent-free in your schizo little head, aren't I?
Sad.

>>21853388
Anything in the vague umbrella of Weird Fiction. This sources from in a variety of literary genres, but the tying themes tend to be a foreboding atmosphere, an eye for language and prose, and specific imagery. Horror and Muystery most easily fit into this genre.

https://pastebin.com/PeE3Duff
666 words. Not on purpose
I'm gonna read this to my writing group this weekend, is there anything off?

>>21853373
hemmingway

>>21853393
use your ear
She walked to the store and bought milk, eggs and cookies

>>21853415
Ah, so I could submit any type of story that may have been published by the original Weird Tales, like sword and sorcery, sword and planet, dying earth, etc?

>>21853513
And why did you choose to format it that way?
She walked to the store. And bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
or
She walked to the store; and bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
or
She walked to the store and bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
or
She walked to the store, and bought milk eggs, and cookies.

HOW do you know which is the correct way?

>>21853542
Experience.

>>21853520
Yes, you could. Although an attempt to blend conventions would be appreciated, as what was novel during Weird Tales' heydey has now been well mined. Although, I've personally been on a dying earth kick so i would appreciate new entrants desu. The first Tales was marketed as a horror anthology first and a Weird Tales homage second but we're broadening the scope a bit.

>>21853562
And how would you accumulate this "experience*. I grew up reading fantasy novels and I always got "A"s on my essays in school, however, I have zero clue on how to properly pace my creative writing pieces with punctuation.
It's not like math where 2 +2 = 4. It's subjective, and so I'm struggling to figure out which one to use

>>21853542
they're different
say it outloud, read more
you're thinking about this stuff so you're on the right path. just continue to be thoughtful and evaluate

>>21853569
I was wondering how this sounds, I've only gotten a few lines in but the story is a sort of 'most dangerous game' but the person being hunted is a vampire journalist.
Due to how surveillance in the modern age makes people disappearing harder has changed it would be set during the 70s in Ohio.
I've never read weird tales outside of skimming a single story about 30 minutes ago, so I am unsure exactly what tone you are going with.

All 130 pounds of his 5’7 frame ached as he woke up on plastic grass in a fake forest.
As every man with a hangover did before they drank again, he vowed to never drink again.
But he did like a good bloody mary.
He had been looking into a string of his kind disappearing from a bar in the area.
The White Dampir was as seedy as any dive bar in Columbus, but they were only open when the sun was down and they only served people like him.
That place had a bold sign out front still ‘No Jiangshi, No Wurdulaks, No Dogs.’
The part about dogs he agreed with, nobody liked werewolves except werewolves, Jiangshi were spooks 9 times out of ten but Wurdulaks were fine, the red scare was doing a number on their reputation though.

A loud click followed by a scraping and slamming metal meant that his cage was open and his head was splitting.

>>21853363
Can you guys please be my first review on "The Shitkickers" On Amazon?

>>21853363
>UnrealPressAndPodcast@proton.me

Do you have a preferred submission template? Title in subject field, word count in body, etc?

>>21853542
third one is correct, just look at it

>>21852245
>you really need to figure out why she wouldn't just grab his dick and make her intentions clear as day
The hell? That's not how almost any people behave, dumbass.

Don't give people stupid advice.

>>21853393
To buy milk, eggs, and cookies, she walked into the store.
She walked into the store, buying milk, eggs, and cookies.
She entered the store and bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
Into the store, she walked, buying milk, eggs, and cookies.
Upon entering the store, she bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
She walked into the store and bought milk, eggs, and cookies.
She bought milk, eggs, and cookies after walking into the store.
She walked into the store to buy three items: milk, eggs, and cookies.
There she was, buying milk, eggs, and cookies after entering the store.
She walked into the store; bought milk, bought eggs, and bought cookies.
Milk, eggs, and cookies are the items she bought after walking into the store.
She had entered the store with the purpose of buying milk, eggs, and cookies.
She bought milk, eggs, and cookies from the store, after walking into the place, of course.
To buy milk, to buy eggs, to buy cookies: these were the reasons she had upon entering the store.
She walked into the store with three reasons in mind: to buy milk, to buy eggs, and to buy cookies.
See her—the store walker, the milk drinker, the eggs buyer, the cookie muncher—she was in her element, doing what she knew best.
While it was true that she had bought milk, eggs, and cookies from the store, little was known whether she had walked out of the store after entering it.

>>21853542
when in doubt use fewer commas

>>21853720
hey dummy, read this >>21852345

>>21853748
Screw thine own mother, I reiterate my point. People don't behave like this. At least, not sane ones. This is gutter trash behavior.

>>21853770
your middle class anglo saxon protestant hangups are not universal truths

>>21853803
I'm a Jew, dumbass.

Anyway, I advice >>21852158 to remember not to take it too seriously. This isn't a premise that can work for a serious story.

>>21845772
If I have to stop and look up a terms to continue reading, then it's pretty bad.

>>21853844
sorry about your genital mutilation. that would certainly explain your sexual hangups

>>21853964
I'd rather get reviews on my 2nd book than have sex.

>>21853844
>I'm a Jew, dumbass.
I'm sorry for what was taken from your undefended penis.

>>21853971
right. because your dick was flayed and nerve damaged. I'm sorry.
if you ever do have any yidlings of your own don't do that to them

>>21853844
>This isn't a premise that can work for a serious story
I should hope so. It's not supposed to be serious.

>>21853986
I'm circumsized but I have no problems in the bedroom, was already a hedonist in life, but those days are behind me. Just want to produce shit and build shit from this point in my life, especially after COVID killed the extrovert inside me.

>>21854031
>I'm circumsized but I have no problems in the bedroom
that's like someone hopping around on crutches saying they're just fine doing the 100 yard dash. I mean, sure, they can hippity hop the entire way down, but at the end of the day a cripple's a cripple
please don't do something something so heartless and evil and inhumane to your children

>>21854064
Sure, I won't, I only had a daughter so far. Need more money if I want more kids, shit's fucked in 2023 Canada!

Can we start talking about writing, rather than Anon's obsession with Jewish penises?

>>21845836
Not him. Half of your feedback is braindead. You're being critical over things that are stylistic choices.
>cattle revolt
Literally nothing wrong. It personifies cattle and relates it to the people he's talking about
>to don't navigate people
Also literally nothing wrong with this statement whatsoever. It dehumanizes the people by making them look like a hazard to be dealt with instead of people.
>repeating the same thing undemines the point.
No. Not all repetition is bad. This is the only instance he does it in the passage.
You are dense and your writing (if you do write) is sovlless.

>>21845772
A breath of fresh air. The start is a bit clunky because i don't know what a ecochomowhachit is, but that can be pieced together through context easily enough. You never sound like youre trying to sound smart, which is a good thing. You have a pretty natural flow with the way the words feel together and it was enjoyable to read. I would probably read more

>>21854073
I mean, let's be clear, if it weren't for the abrahamic obsession with penises and sin we would never have been burdened with this conversation in the first place. so blame where it's due

>>21846002
>silver age isn't a thing
Opinion discarded.
It is a completely natural evolution from golden age when you talk about something "not quite making it there" it is clever and it does work

New more ronery bread >>21854152

Is the protagonist too much of a pussy? Should I go for the ambitious youth stuck in a small town archetype instead?
(1/2)
Tim was a timid and risk-averse fourteen-year-old boy, living in a world where monsters frequently attacked cities. During which, citizens would hide in bunkers while the Flyboys, an elite squadron of soldiers in high-tech flying suits, fended off the creatures. Most teenagers wanted to join the Flyboys, while Tim dreamed of making enough money to move his family to a low danger zone, far away from monsters and the Flyboys who fight them.
One day, while out camping, Tim heard the dreaded sound of sirens signaling a monster’s attack. He hid in the woods and watched in awe as the Flyboys battled the monsters. In the chaos, a Flyboy crash-landed near Tim. As a monster approached, the Flyboy urged Tim to flee. Unsure of what to do, Tim recalled that monsters relied on heat detection. He covered himself and the pilot with mud, evading the monster’s detection. But the monster soon detected the intense heat emanating from the Flyboy’s flying gear. Tim tried to remove it, but as the monster lunged in, Tim picked up the Flyboy’s blaster and shot the monster, killing it. Tim was stunned but relieved to be alive, while the downed pilot was impressed with him.
Months went by, and Tim returned to his normal life, wanting to forget the incident. But the pilot he had saved had other plans for him. Tim was recruited into flight school, much to Tim’s dismay. Not wanting to disappoint his parents, Tim found himself in flight school, surrounded by trainees who viewed him with contempt. They were all geniuses and child prodigies who had dedicated their lives to becoming Flyboys.
The trainees started picking on Tim, led by the queen bee of the class. Tim endured weeks of bullying until he couldn’t take it anymore. He confronted the pilot, who had dragged him into this situation. The pilot apologized, not realizing that his attempt to reward Tim had turned into a nightmare for the boy.

Man, I'm reaching nearly 30 drafts on this four-paragraph essay, and I've *finally* written a second paragraph worthy of final drafting. I've had to overhaul my arguments several times, as none of it has 'worked'

>>21854160
(2/2)
The school agreed to let Tim go home and resume his normal life. But before Tim left the airfield, the sirens blared, announcing another attack. Tim couldn’t do anything as the pilot told him to take shelter as he dragged his injured body onto the battlefield. Tim hid in the bunker with the other trainees and watched the battle on the monitor. The Flyboys were losing, and Tim was afraid for his life. But as he overheard the girl and some other trainees plan to steal flying equipment and join the fight. Tim tried to stop them, but the girl pushed him aside, calling him a coward. She reprimanded him for wanting a normal life when everyone’s lives were constantly under threat of being crushed by the monsters. Tim watched helplessly as they stormed off, feeling guilty and conflicted.
Wanting to do the right thing, Tim chased after them, only to see they had already flown off in their flying gear. Tim quickly put on his training gear and chased after them. The battle occurred over the vast blue ocean. Tim watched in awe as the Flyboys and monsters engaged in a furball in the sky. Suddenly, Tim realized that he didn’t have a weapon on him. What would he do now?

>>21854164
Why? If the ink doesn't flow right the first 10 times, why keep going?

>>21854160
>>21854165
this is occurring at warp speed. it's a blurb, not a story

>>21854173
It's also a process of discovery and was written to serve for professional reasons. I took breaks from it, but it would conclude a series that I was working on.

>>21854175
Obviously, it's a blurb.

How can I wean myself off of videogames to get back to writing? I’m playing too much Kenshi and by God is it giving me inspiration for Dying Earth stories, but it’s sucking up all the time I could be using to write.

>>21845727
>trandor
kys tranny

>>21853612
>how to gain experience
Volume. Just keep reading and writing.
If you don't have a natural talent for it, you'll have to make up for that with effort.

>>21854372
If you don't have discipline, you're NGMI.
That goes for most other fields of human endeavor, BTW.

>>21854372
Don't. The world doesn't need more video game inspired fiction. Flannery O'Connor was right.

>>21853897
I said in my follow up reply that I define ergastulum and what it was in Ancient Rome and explain the high tech equivalent in the novel. Obviously nobody knows what an ergastulum is. If you have to look up any term except ergastulum then I can’t help you. Even world axis is pretty self explanatory as meaning “the center of the world”.