/lit/ - Literature

I wanted to find your parents and hear what they thought of your
New life. I wanted to tell them what I did for you, that me, a stranger, showed you
Unconditional kindness. I wanted to tell them that I saved you.

I dreamt about you, that on the Capital steps we met.
I dreamt that I held you in my arms and whispered that everything was going to be ok.
I dreamt that I knew what it was like to be inside of Hell.

You told me that beneath your skin ran veins of fire, flowing with
Lipids and proteins meticulously crafted to march a victory parade
With balloons and trumpets that only broadcast at Thanksgiving

As I ran my hands over your scars and sores, flames began to dance from your
Eyes. Your skin wrapped itself tighter until it split and tore and from your
Exposed shoulder blades, you grew wings.

I wonder now if you ever dreamt about me. If you thought about my naive,
Inviting arms, waiting and aching to hold and protect, to steal you away
From darkness.

"twelve ounce with an extra shot of Pseudophedrine"

We met only once, at the Citgo station on State Street,
Where the man with the mustache sold me cigarettes,
And where your debt card declined for your dollar-five coffee.

I watched you dig through your purse, looking for something
With dilated pupils, something else to pay with, something that we all knew
Wasn't there. The line behind you grew and my heart rate quickened.

You looked beautiful. Your hair straightened and draped around your
Pale face. You wore the scabs on your neck and forehead stylish,
Like red, dry accessories to your skinny jeans and black boots.

I bought you your coffee, expecting your world to change.
What kindness, I thought, a stranger had shown you.
What chivalry, and sheer, unabated love I must have for tragedy.

I knew what you were. I could almost smell the amphetamines
On your breath after your "Thank you, I really needed the coffee today."
But I wanted it regardless. You, I thought, could change.

(contd)

please don't post it

>>2175184
>(contd)
Either this is wordy poem or pretentious story.

>Poem
>doesnt rhyme

Yea no. Poetry has to rhyme to be good. Or at least have some kind of syllabic pattern.

This is just a poorly written story.

How about you master the basics before you try something original.

Can you write a short sonnet?

>>2175214
Sonnets are all the same length, yo.

>>2175209

who the fuck thinks this in 2011? do you churn your own butter? have you ever ridden in a motor-car?

like if you wouldn't mind could you post just some basic demographic info? christ, i just have no fucking clue what subset of people could suurvive into the 21st century thinking all poetry needs to rhyme, your a genuine anthropological curio dude

>>2175209

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Free_verse

>>2175217
It DOES need a syllabic pattern though.

>>2175216
A sonnet or a short poem of some other kind, then.

>>2175224
Free verse
sucks

nm

>>2175224
free verse is the excuse lazy people use when they want to be artists but they don't want to work

it's also a totally legit kind of poetry that is pretty much the norm

Far too many cliches OP, although I commend you on your use of some alliteration. Sound is more important that anything. Sound and the use of language that has no place in the what you're writing. Words like Pseudophedrine, like Amphetamines. Give me some more of those polysyllabic words, because you had something more in struggling to pronounce them than you could in an entire poem about this.

>>2175184
OP, since nobody else is offering actual critique I'll give some. You should write about more interesting experiences. If you're going to be biographical you need to at least capture an interesting image or experience. Meeting a weird girl at the coffee shop is pretty ordinary and you haven't really offered an interesting insight regarding the experience.

Also, avoid cliched imagry!

What you've got going here (I think, it's possible you're not very self-aware but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt) is that you are portraying an ugly side of yourself (or maybe 'the narrator') here. Exposing your personal shittiness is cool. Explore that more, maybe.

>>2175217

Poetry should rhyme.

If you want to write poetry that doesnt rhyme, you're just writing a shit short story that doesnt have any structure to it.

>>2175237

Free verse is for the lazy. Its like me stringing a bunch of RANDOM words together and calling it a story thats 2deep4u.

lotta dumb opinions itt

Thanks for the input for the guys that gave it.

>>2175260

>dumb opinions on LIT

lol. what were you expecting

>>2175257

it's like watching an ankylosaur plodding around an industrial park... so stupidly anachronistic and clumsy but kind of majestic in its rarity

Free verse has merits, but I wouldn't say that rhyme and melody are totally outdated.

If you want to write good free verse, you SHOULD be able to write a melodic verse with rhyme. OP write something short that rhymes and has a good rhythm.

>>2175285
i don't think that anyone would say that verse and rhyme are bad and should be avoided at all costs

>>2175266
Did you notice that the only people who offered "real critiques" basically described your poetry as bad

>>2175286
On /lit/, sometimes it feels that way. I can't imagine half the people bagging on old poetry have actually mastered the older forms.

>>2175295
>>/b/ is that way bro

>>2175316
>if I point someone towards /b/ it makes their point invalid!

>>2175309
An English degree doesn't guarantee you creative ability. It just teaches you to pick apart the written word.

Oh look, another god-awful poem posted by someone who has no clue what they're doing.

That first poem is gay as fuck OP. HOWEVER, I was able to visualise the entire thing and it was pretty cool. Probably the best OC I've ever seen on /lit/

>>2175636

... Those two things mean different things.

>>2175638
Indeed! That is PRECISELY why they do not contradict one another.

More oc poetry?


They all talk at once, loose lips
slapping together and against each other
fuck you, one shouts
fuck me, shouts another
I squint and focus the camera.

>>2175640
Oh my, the portrait of your sexual identity that is emerging from your posts in conjunction with your images is a startling one. A homophobic homosexual with a large collection of sexually suggestive photos of young women.

>>2175692
This poem is now about vaginas.

>see a "check 'em" image
>wait, this is /lit/, nobody bothers about that here
>>2175700
>FFFFFUUUUUUU