/lit/ - Literature

Was struck by inspiration this morning, no idea where I'll submit this story once it's done but it feels good to indulge an idea instead of crafting an idea.

-

Someone was playing the service bell like a one-note piano. They treated it like a telegram, pounding out a morse code message whose only recipient was Felicity’s ears. When she finally emerged from the backroom, she found a man standing at the counter with a black cap pulled down to his eyeballs. His jacket looked like it had once been down, but had long ago lost all shape to it. On the street, she would never have thought twice about him, but she recognized him at once as the guy who bought a Zeus energy drink every morning. He had never seemed like the kind of guy who would show up holding a toy gun. It looked like a retro, 20th century zapper gun for a space explorer. When she got closer and saw the red ring around the bulbous white frame she recognized it.

“You’re a fan of Interstellar Defender?” she asked.

He cocked a very real hammer back and she realized the cold steel of a 9mm barrel stuck out from the end of the toy blaster. “Reach behind you and get one of the sleeping pill bottles. Take three right now.”

one of my main characters has been behaving unethically for monetary gain throughout the book, but I need him to have a moral crisis / find a conscience, to make him try to fix his wrongs. what's a good way to do that, that won't make a reader roll their eyes?

>>21728919
>find a conscience
why? just have something catch up and now he's being blackmailed/he's afraid of the possibility of being blackmailed so he starts cleaning up his act/covering his tracks. there's no reason to make him a good person, especially quickly, he merely needs to change his behavior. have him come up with a more legitimate way of making money.

>>21728869
Seems good, but just pick one simile for the bell, not two different ones in a row.

>>21728919
someone worse like whom he does not want to end up

never mind boys
we are ALL going to make it

>>21729025
>>21729061
>why?
i like both of these. but basically the person he has been making money off of is going to do something that will hurt a lot of people, and my character decides to stop him from doing so-- so that's why i'm trying to find a way for him to get a conscience

>>21729127
Buy yourself a mcborgar in recompense.
Or well anything that costs less than 2 dollars.
>>21728780
Repeating my question about how to write passable dialogue.
Now with an ialready included excerpt.
I do warn that the grammar is often dubious because I only write when its past 12 AM to 3 AM. And its usually sporadic.

>>21729241
Fuck. Here pastebin.https://pastebin.com/z483rtCt

>>21729133
making money unethically by exploiting people isn't the same as directly, physically hurting or murdering them. it's a different degree. maybe he also doesn't want to be directly associated with someone who does that for more selfish reasons (i.e. being culpable)

>>21729056
This story is significantly more fun to write than I would have guessed going into it. First thing that I've written that I think has a chance of genuinely disturbing my readers instead of just entertaining them.

[...]
Mark said, “When we were kids, we had computer class, right? Remember how they had to teach us parameterization? How to use quotes and commas and stuff to include or exclude keywords that the website would use to filter everything? I remember there was one assignment where we tried to find the same web page using different keywords and had to report what page we found it on. I got a candy bar for my work that day because it took me eight-seven pages on my worst search but I found what I was looking for. Now though…”

He trailed off and pulled out his phone. After making a quick search for top 10 music, he started scrolling through pages of results. The total hits were something like seven hundred billion web pages. When he got to the bottom of the fifth page though, it stopped loading.

Felicity said, “I don’t think you’d get that candy bar again.”

He leaned over in the chair, his breath on her shoulder. “Where did the internet go, Felicity? Where is it? Who are these people commenting on videos? I don’t get replies to my comments and most of them are brain dead copy-pastes from one video to the next. I must have read someone posting Upvote and For The Win a million goddamn times. Who the hell are these people and where are they?”

https://pastebin.com/ukk8pR96

How does this read?

>>21729492
> Stonebeg

Disgusting

>>21729431
> tagars

ESL? Proofread

>>21729431
For one thing, you need to put dialog on new lines each time it switches between speakers. And you should only put the speaker's actions next to the quoted dialog, because the reader will interpret them as tags.

> "Words words words," said Alice.
> "Blah blah blah." Bob does some action. "Blah blah."
> "Insults."
> Bob Gestures. "Stuff stuff stuff!" Bob makes a face and does a thing.

See how it's easy to tell who's talking?

As to your original question, It seems a little dry. There are some rough edges. But it's too short to really judge the quality.

>Reader starts to really like my story.
>Will be broken by suffering to come.
At least i made someone happy for a little while r-right?

>>21729133
Give him a past that the audience can understand why he wants money, but one that can be morally grey enough to seem in character with him in the present. I don't know the specifics of your story, but a past that recognizes and criticizes while not being completely evil can make the reader think he isn't an inherently bad person.

>>21729932
sounds based

>>21728818
Holy based. I'm saving this for the next time I make the thread.
>>21728919
Holden Caulfield only cleaned up his act after he realized his little sister wanted to join him, whereupon he explained to her all the reasons she shouldn't, and realized they were the reasons he shouldn't either.
>>21729459
They're bots.

>>21729127
Congrats anon!

>>21730683
hehe thank you :-)
now on to the next one I guess

They’re almost like us, almost human
Their last names give up the ruse
Their greed is forever inhuman
I’m talking of course of the Jews

>>21730660
>They're bots.
The story is about a schizo abducting the girl he thinks he has a relationship with, except he does actually have a relationship with her and he's not a schizo.

Or is he?

My smut has sold 10 copies since release and now I am the king of the smut list.
and now it has sold another copy!
look upon my royalties ye mighty and despair. That is $40 I will report to the IRS, $13 of which I can now safely spend on a single meal at Jack in the Box.

>>21730897
Grats on selling your soul to cumbrains

https://docs.google.com/document/d/138MrZRDFJNcUXDdTPOnWdiK6UuhBZEMJQd9DsR3DhPs/edit?usp=sharing
What do you guys think? It's my first take on creative writing in the last few years so I would appreciate critique on the prose and tone of this excerpt. It IS a Naruto fanfic, but it's a project I'm pretty passionate about. I've had the idea sitting in my head for awhile now, but I've always put off on actually writing it until now.

>>21730918
>It IS a Naruto fanfic
thank God I read the whole post before clicking

>>21730934
Just give it a chance, anon. You might like it you never know. And if it's shit, you can rip into it, and tell me how I can improve it prosewise

>>21730941
Not that anon, but I have no interest as I've never seen nor read Naruto.

>>21731020
You really don't need to have read or watched Naruto to understand the scene.
Hokage = Leader of the military village.
Konoha = the City they're in.
That's all you need to know. And they're are context clues for anyone to realize these facts if you're not familiar with the source material.
Aside from that, it's a basic story of 5 boys bullying a girl on a playground before the protagonist steps forward to protect her.
The protagonist is unable to fight off the boys, and so, he too is beat on by them. As the boys leave bored, the protagonists disregards his own abysmal condition to check on the bruised and battered girl. And as he do so, he tries to hide his own pain with a false display of joy and confidence.

>>21731038
That sounds depressing.
No wonder the Japanese have to form lines to jump off skyscrapers.

>>21731038
well you got the obnoxious pitybait character, but is there a 5 minute flashback to that fucking swing that had more screentime than Tenten
it's not authentic naruto content without that

>>21731147
>>21731038
And don't forget flashbacks to every bully's tragic backstory, too.

>>21731141
Well it's supposed to be. The boy is an outcast in his city because he holds a demon back in his belly. While the boy himself is unaware of this, the village he lives in is, and so they ignore him or treat him like shit because seeing him brings back painful memories of the demon that slaughtered their family and friends.
Starved for attention, the boy becomes a class clown and a delinquent starved for attention. He aims to eventually become his nation's leader (Hokage), because he sees that everyone respects them, and he falsely believes that becoming a Hokage will give him the acknowledgment and companionship craves.
MY take on the story is that the demon sealed in him can talk to him, and it's grooming him to release him while larping as his guardian angel. A stark contrast to canon where the demon is actually just a misunderstood and noble fox spirit.
The first act of my story is building up to him tragically releasing it in a misguided attempt to save his family and the resulting that follows it. To build up to that scene, I'm starting with his past and the loneliness that accompanied him. So the reader can truly feel his pain, his mindset, and why he ended up falling for the lies of the demon.

>>21731147
>well you got the obnoxious pitybait character
Good to know I was able to evoke the proper for that excerpt.
>but is there a 5 minute flashback to that fucking swing that had more screentime than Tenten
Kek, no. Funnily enough, Tenten is planned to be a major character in this story
>And don't forget flashbacks to every bully's tragic backstory, too.
Nah, I'm not Kishimoto. I know you're joking, but it was corny as hell how Kishimoto tried to give everyone a tragic and pitiable backstory to try and make you feel bad for every antagonist

>>21731168
I didn't even read your excerpt I just guessed what you were doing off of your post
Make him pick up puppetry and become edgelord friends with Gaara

The toilet was glowing blue.
It was a late summer evening during one of my countless summer holidays as a child. What year it was or where, I don't know. I only know that I was a child and it was somewhere in Sweden. My father pumped and pumped the little hand pump located next to the toilet. With every pump, water got sucked from the sea and ended up in the boat toilet.
"Mareel" he said while he kept pumping.
The toilet was glowing blue.

>>21731173
>Make him pick up puppetry and become edgelord friends with Gaara
Nah. I already have the whole story mapped out and that's not the direction where I'm going with the story.
The basic plot I'm going for is:
Orphan Naruto -> Naruto adopted and raised by Mikito Uchiha until the Uchiha Massacre -> Naruto goes berserk and releases the kyuubi in an attempt to save his new found family -> The kyuubi goes on a rampage until stopped -> Naruto leaves the village with Jiraya -> total AU from there onward

>>21731187
man
puppeteers got done so fucking dirty

>>21731195
I've read some decent puppet Naruto fics in the past.
"Scorpion's disciple" is a pretty good one. It's about one where Sasori infiltrates Konoha and grooms Naruto to be his successor. He takes advantage of Naruto's loneliness to become a mentor and a big-brother type figure to the boy. Unforutantely, the fic is unfinished. It ends right around where the timeskip would've happened in canon.
"Naruto's Compensation" is another good one. Naruto is crippled early on, and so it seems like his Shinobi career has ended it before it started. But unwilling to give up, Naruto dives into the more esoteric shinobi arts, eventually settling on puppetry and becoming a puppetmaster both in battle and also in politics.
"Plucking Strings" - Basically an edgelord Naruto fic where Naruto resorts to puppetry to become powerful. The first half is pretty decent until the author does a heelturn and makes Naruto suddenly become remorseful for his actions.
Those three are all pretty decent for puppetry fics

>>21731038
I've read it. It's not terrible, only awfully simple and somehow your brief description just now conjures a more compelling picture than the entire scene. I won't pick apart the premise nor the setting, because you asked for critique on prose and tone.
As for your prose, the narrator's voice is basically non-existent. I think the issue stems from the simplicity of your work. You describe only actions, not space nor place, not the subtle details which make up your scene and you certainly don't take the time to mention how your characters feel and react to their environment through their senses. You mention pain a lot yet you don't describe it well.
Now, the tone? It's very childish, far too much so for me to be a fan. Its got a 'Kid playing with Lego characters' feel to it. Your characters talk and act like cartoon characters, and maybe that's what you're going for with it being an anime fanfic, but it's all so one-dimensional. It almost feels like a parody, like the reader should be waiting for the other shoe to drop but it never does. I haven't read anything with this tone before that wasn't just setting the stage for a twist and shift in tone, bringing us to the meaty part of the piece. It's all so disappointing. Though, like I said at the start, not terrible. At least it's coherent.
Before I finish I have to say that the dialogue kills me. It's worse than Young Adult fiction, is your scene for six year olds?

>>21731268

>is your scene for six year olds?
No. But the children are supposed to be that around that age funnily enough.
> the narrator's voice is basically non-existent.
I see. I left out pretty much all of the protagonist's thoughts and feelings, because I was scared that describing them would be telling instead of showing. But going through my prose again with your critique in mind, I can see what you mean. The reader isn't able to truly empathize with the character because I've failed put them into the headspace of my character.
>nor place
Good to know. I was hesitant to over describe the setting because I didn't want to bog down the pacing, but I can see how with I've written, it may be hard for a reader to visualize the area the protagonist is.
>You mention pain a lot yet you don't describe it well.
I see. I'm leaning more towards tell, rather than show.


I appreciate all of your critique, anon. Thank you for taking the time to do so.

>>21731318
>I see. I left out pretty much all of the protagonist's thoughts and feelings, because I was scared that describing them would be telling instead of showing
Don't do that. Seriously. "Le show don't tell" is reddit-tier retard non-advice.

Does anyone struggle with attempting to make EVERY sentence sing perfectly?

I find that I spend most of my time trying to make sure that every sentence flows well enough into the next, is crafted well as a matter of prose, is not overly literal, not overly figurative, as clever as it can or should be, and never clunky.

I can get stuck in this mode without realising and soon waste hours reading and re-writing everything I've written to get rid of some of that "jank" I sometimes find - which I know I'm so sensitive to because it's my own voice.

I sat down this morning after a particular trying session and I read Faulkner's Light in August for a bit as I've been meaning to get around to it. I have to admit as masterful as the writing is, there are plenty of sections that involve banal descriptions and basically clinical, sometimes clunky sentences, that he seems to include as a matter of necessity to the story and description and he does it so confidently. I felt the same way yesterday reading an excerpt of IJ an anon posted here. It's obvious that not EVERY sentence can maintain that elevated sort of prose poetry you are so often going for throughout a story, but I am so sensitive to my own little clunks and dry bits of script instruction that I can't stop noticing it.

Any thoughts?

>>21731318
You'll get there anon. Keep my feedback in mind but don't take it to heart. And I'm glad you appreciate it, keep posting your work and I'll keep replying. One more thing that I'll mention, in response to your thoughts on my feedback, would be that how you
>left out pretty much all of the protagonist's thoughts
is a good thing. The reader doesn't need to be inside the protagonist's head. Just close enough to him to gauge what he's feeling through his expressions.

>>21731338
>pic related
That's describing an action. The other anon needs to work on describing space/place and focus more on his characters' perceptions of the events in his scene, as well as how they express their thoughts and feelings, rather than fixating so much on action and dialogue. Though you're right
>show don't tell
isn't a useful adage, despite being one.

>>21731338
>>21731417
It's also a catchy song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAoL5cqwM1I

Do you guys typically write because there are stories or characters you want to explore, or do you generally have ideas and concepts that you want to communicate, and you rely on the story format to make it palatable?

>>21731488
I come up with ideas I think are clever, then go through Hell trying to find characters, scenes, conflicts, etc. to showcase them.
That probably accounts for why I can crank out short stories in high volume, and struggle to even be willing to begin writing a novel.
But just writing characters, scenes, conflicts, etc. without ideas sounds so hack to me.

>>21731402
Third draft problems.

>>21730828
No, the people they discuss, commenting on videos, are bots.
Sorry I was unclear.

>>21731509
I understood what you meant, I was trying to clarify that the schizo knows they're bots and the normie does not.

>>21731488
I take characters and story and fit them into the concept. It takes a lot of time for me though, just wrote an outline and as soon as I started writing the draft I figured out that it won't do.

>>21731402
Get over yourself.

>>21731402
>EVERY
stop

>>21731508
>>21731557
>>21731619
Three faggots. Great insight.

>>21731624
There is a level of intelligence you ascribe to yourself beyond what you are actually capable of.

>>21729542
Its the name of a fictional ethnic group I created. Should I capitalize it?
It's fiction (well fantasy) ripping off the early medieval period.
The closest real life historical analogue would probably be like sixth to seventh (maybe even eight) century Pannonia.
>>21729608
Oh, thanks.
>It seems a little dry
how do I liven it up, then?
I'm a rather dry person.

>>21731633
It' a shitty mishmash but as far as I know (although I'm sure this concept has been done before) no one has done much post-roman fiction not set in britain. Fantasy or otherwise.

>>21730897
>13$ dollar meal
Damn, I could buy 4 meals with that amount of money.

>>21731338
Also "Show, Don't tell" is for movie scripts and visual media in general. You have to describe and tell stuff on a written format.

>>21731402
>Any thoughts?

Great prose writers can exhaust their readers. Not every sentence has to sing. Caviar is nice, but you wouldn't want to eat a bucketful. Save intense and vivid prose for scenes that call for it. When dealing with dry, informative subjects, the text should match. Give readers some time to rest. Think of the whole work, it's ups and downs, instead looking at it line by line.

>>21731402
Set a deadline for yourself. Make it a monthly or weekly story and just learn to understand that not everything will be gold. Month/week is close to end, you wrap up the story as well as you can, give it a final revision and be done with it. Jump to another story.

>>21731402
this is the fun part

>>21731488
I mostly write fetish stories, so I start with a scenario that I find particularly sexy and then develop the characters around it.

>>21731520
NTA. Maybe put some things in to show he's speechifying not asking real questions.
>>21729459
>“Where did the internet go, Felicity? Where is it? Tell me that. Who do you think these people are who comment on videos? I don’t get replies to my comments and most of them are brain dead copy-pastes from one video to the next. I must have read someone posting Upvote and For The Win a million goddamn times. Isn't it strange? Who the hell are these (((people))) and where are they?”
Some rhetorical devices like that.

Also his action makes it sound like he's looking at the screen and asking real questions. Have him look at her and wave his arms like the Joker.

Any critique, please?

pastes.io/adn1e1regx

>WW1 short story
>the platoon prankster's prank one day goes too far

Pic half-related

>>21731823
It doesn't read much different than last time you posted.

>>21731823
>The british are coming! By land! By land!
heheheee

>>21731229
Thanks for the rec, Naruto's Compensation has been good so far - at ch. 8 at the moment.

"What does "price" of Magick means?" He asked Arminius, who looked at him with a very brief, irritated look, as if he were out of patience, but quickly recomposed himself and said:
"The price of Magick is the consequence of using it; We, the Pures, are the ones who suffer the most, since we don't use any technology. When we walk around the city, and no one notices us because of a cloaking spell, the Mage who casted it is suffering some sort of discomfort; A headache, a nosebleed, a light fatigue, and so on. The greater the spell and use of Magick, the greater the price will be, leading even to death. That's why the Somams use cybernetics to not only enhance their physical body, but to be able to sustain the price, in a artificial form."
"So why don't we use it too? It seems dumb to not use cybernetics like everyone else does", Gareth asked, with an raised eyebrow and a look as if the Pures were then stupid for not using technology themselves.
"They can't cast powerful spells like us, and their "modernized" scythes-" Arminius said while making a hand gesture for quoting, in a derisive tone - "are very weak and ridiculous. They may have the numbers, but they are the most vulnerable Society to the COMAD."
The two kept walking towards one of the training rooms for the Discipuli, where Arminius said his farewell stating:"Technology may be good for the commom man, but what is technology, besides a unconscious aplication of Magick?"
Gareth, with a confused expression, entered the room, thinking to himself how little sense Arminius statements made.
Just wrote this now to post in this thread. Just some random dialogue from the middle of the story. I have the entire world, setting, line of events and overall main characters and style mentalized, but I still have to put on paper form.
One thing that I think will help, is something my gf pointed out about how in Harry Potter, Harry is also discovering everything, so the characters explain both to him and the reader, instead of some boring, pages long explanation of a minute detail, like in some books.

>>21732025
>>21732025
Forgot to separate between paragraphs:


"What does "price" of Magick means?" He asked Arminius, who looked at him with a very brief, irritated look, as if he were out of patience, but quickly recomposed himself and said:

"The price of Magick is the consequence of using it; We, the Pures, are the ones who suffer the most, since we don't use any technology. When we walk around the city, and no one notices us because of a cloaking spell, the Mage who casted it is suffering some sort of discomfort; A headache, a nosebleed, a light fatigue, and so on. The greater the spell and use of Magick, the greater the price will be, leading even to death. That's why the Somams use cybernetics to not only enhance their physical body, but to be able to sustain the price, in a artificial form."

"So why don't we use it too? It seems dumb to not use cybernetics like everyone else does", Gareth asked, with an raised eyebrow and a look as if the Pures were then stupid for not using technology themselves.

"They can't cast powerful spells like us, and their "modernized" scythes-" Arminius said while making a hand gesture for quoting, in a derisive tone - "are very weak and ridiculous. They may have the numbers, but they are the most vulnerable Society to the COMAD."
The two kept walking towards one of the training rooms for the Discipuli, where Arminius said his farewell stating:
"Technology may be good for the commom man, but what is technology, besides a unconscious aplication of Magick?"
Gareth, with a confused expression, entered the room, thinking to himself how little sense Arminius statements made.
Just wrote this now to post in this thread. Just some random dialogue from the middle of the story. I have the entire world, setting, line of events and overall main characters and style mentalized, but I still have to put on paper form.
One thing that I think will help, is something my gf pointed out about how in Harry Potter, Harry is also discovering everything, so the characters explain both to him and the reader, instead of some boring, pages long explanation of a minute detail, like in some books.

>>21732025
proofread your shit for typos before posting faggot

>>21731838
I didn't realize anyone at all had read it, thank you again though

>>21732034
>my gf pointed out about how in Harry Potter, Harry is also discovering everything
one thing to note in harry potter. yes, there's a bunch of that, but jk did an excellent job of doing absolutely none of that for the first roughly 10k words of the book. the absolute last thing your reader needs on page 1 is: "The Globbomorph cast the globbiest of spells and that's why we live in Globbo City!"

...the moment she walked in, Garvesh unsubtly snapped his eyes to her. The store was deserted; a small room with a counter and a great array of objects lined up on display behind it, from trinkets to jewelry and weapons.

He recognized her, Krahe felt it. How did he know?

“Garvesh, I take it?”

“Mrrrhm. Y’know the rules,” he grumbled, pointing to a sign on the countertop.

NO QUESTIONS ASKED

“Imraal sent me,” she said to him.

No tangible attitude shift. A reaction of feigned surprise: “Did he? Explains how you found the place… Didn’t happen to run into any baneworms on the way, did you? Some of those dregs have been causing trouble for our customers lately.”

Cont.: https://pastes.io/pk7rkej4oq

>>21732142
Garvesh and Imraal are both lizardmen, for a touch of extra context.

>>21729932
I think I mindbroke someone with my story. I wrote this long web novel and had a super excited reader who commented on everything for years, wrote detailed reviews, speculated about plot developments, and so on. The best kind of reader, really. It was always heartwarming to see. But then the plot took a bit of a grim turn and the tone of that reader's comments turned visibly distressed along the way. When the penultimate part of the story was finished, he went on this upset tirade in the comments, insulting me, and saying how he'd lost the will to go on, and just being very anxious. It was highly unusual of such a bubbly, excited person. I made a kind of mean reply, saying he should've known what he was in for and that I don't approve getting personal. He unfollowed me on every channel and never commented on anything again.

The last I checked, that person hadn't logged in on any of his online accounts I knew in over a year, not reading anything else, or posting on social media. I think he might've killed himself.

>>21732284
You wouldn't happen to be Avitue, right?

>>21732142
I advise you to not design your characters to look like Metal Gear villains. Kino but would work better in a video game.

>>21732307
I designed her completely from whole cloth with the intent to mix early 20th century militarism with cyberpunk and magic. A hard-boiled investigator who is also the femme-fatale.

In this effort, I inadvertently ended up making her look half metal gear villain and half Hellsing character, without realizing it. I haven't even watched Hellsing.

I also have absolutely no regrets about this. I have a persistent habit of going hard on character design despite the fact I use a non-visual medium.

ChatGPT is actually really useful for expanding your vocabulary and finding technical terms for things.

>>21732320
>I designed her completely from whole cloth with the intent to mix early 20th century militarism with cyberpunk and magic
That sounds exactly like something Kojima would have said in 2003 right down to the defending statement.

>>21732294
Nope. What did he write?

>>21732320
Well, it looks like a 17-year-old weeb's wet dream

>>21732335
I'm not going to vehemently claim total 100% originality, but I never once thought about Metal Gear while writing up her design document. It's entirely possible that influence from MGR slipped through subconsciously. The initial influence was, of all things, the Blackhand radiation blaster from Brigador. From there I added the idea of a vaguely noiresque ex-military detective who is also the femme-fatale, as I already mentioned.

The leotard is the only really visible cyberpunk element with most of them showing up in how I write her, it's also hot and that's all the excuse I need.

Pic related is the first and only other art of her.

>>21732354
Pretty dark-themed fantasy stuff, overall high quality.
https://www.royalroad.com/profile/195931/fictions

>>21732360
I wasnt accusing you of ripping off Metal Gear. I actually like the character design. Very late 90s.

>>21732373
I'll gladly take that as a compliment.

>>21732360
>femme-fatale
Do you actually know what it means?

>>21732383
I know that I am using the term incorrectly, that's not the point. "What if the investigator was also the femme-fatale" was how the idea initially struck me, so that is how I explained it. In reality this character doesn't fit the archetype of a femme-fatale at all beyond being a terribly dangerous woman. I could very much write her as a "proper" femme-fatale, seduction and all, but I don't feel like that and it wouldn't go over well with my target audience.

>>21732397
i don't feel like doing that*

>>21732397
>"What if the investigator was also the femme-fatale" was how the idea initially struck me, so that is how I explained it.
You think like I do. Very cool.

>>21732360
Congratulations. You’re the next F Gardner.

>>21732502
I'd really rather not.

>>21732502
That’s basically the purpose of these generals. Call of the Crocodile remains /wg/ most known book to this date.

Adventures of the Hole Wizard part 2: 3:39 AM edition.
Please criticize.

>>21732554
Rereading it now I realize it's shit. I'll edit it and repost it later if I remember to tommorow.

>>21728780
Are some ideas just never meant to work? I've been bashing my head for the past few days over this concept for a short story: a hairdresser who can hear people's thoughts gives a haircut to a serial killer.

Think it could work better as a play or short movie. I don't know. I just want to know if there's any point to this or if I should move on to another idea.

>>21732593
There are two short stories similar to your idea that might inspire you

https://www.vma.is/static/files/enska/Bokmenntir/Short%20Stories/InspirationofMrBudd.pdf
>barber realizes his customer is the guy who killed his aunt

https://msvadacchino.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/just-lather-thats-all.pdf
>barber shaving some enemy captain's beard

is this the thread for those of us plagued with horrible thoughts and a history of censored expression?

>avoidant ex said to leave her alone because I just get angry and argue with her and make her feel bad. She said that we've tried so many times and it never worked.

>she said that she can still beta read my novel about her.

The only thing that's motivating me now to not just lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself.

>>21732625
what is your damage

>>21732625
>simping this hard
Blow your brains out

>>21732627
my damage?

>>21732642
But I am mentally ill so i am fighting against natural selection. Believe me, I am on the cusp of it.

>>21732025
The past tense of cast is cast.

>>21732284
Sounds like the set up to a cheesy horror movie.

>>21732616
looks like it is. i'm trying to get a book off the damn ground and i've got the discord set up. i can always use editors and authors if anyone wants to write on any given subject.
it's a catchall book on business and finance. i'm trying to write a fuck-you let's get rich fuck the establishment sort of thing. you guys are welcome to tag in and make some comment and suggestions ofc. /biz/ reads numbers better than words...

>>21732798
What qualifies you to write this besides reddit and biz tips

>>21732821
what qualifies a human to play a game of chess against a computer? eat me, i didn't ask for gaslighting doubt in the form of those shitwipes on reddit. biz wants to make money, you write a book you can earn royalties. simple as.

>>21732826
So why should I buy your book vs all the others? You fail the first question of economics, "who's going to consume this product."

>>21732798
>you guys are welcome to tag in and make some comment and suggestions ofc
We won't do your homework for you. Fuck off.

>>21732831
anon that's not the question being asked kek
the question is who am i competing against
>>21732854
like this, reddit

I'm still bummed out I'm only writing 1k a day.

>>21732865
... please go read an economics book.

>>21732875
fuck no. sounds boring as hell.

>"All work and collaborative efforts herein is the work of "Anonymous". All site-based, cultural significance relative to the use of the site (4channel/4chan) where this name is associated with the online identity shared by recognizable users of said site is "Anonymous". Any recognition among the document and site with which this collaborative effort is founded upon, and any and all information (or inferable data) herein that may otherwise be collected and/or reused for one's own purposes beyond further publishing of this said document (or, the purposes set forward by we trusted users) is the intellectual property and physical efforts of "Anonymous"."

I'm scared to post my writing because everyone will call it shit and I'll lose any motivation to continue

I've never written something this compelling before but it's something that really digs into me and quite morbidly so. It just gushes out of me without effort but reading it back deeply wounds me.

>>21733200
If i post my writing will you post yours? We can be called shit together

>>21733200
>>21733321
What are you two writing at least
if the premise is interesting that's half a good job

fanfiction is fun

>>21733202
would anybody else read it?

>>21733405
yeah

>>21733368
Detective story where the culprits use magic to hide their crimes but a lot of the story conflict comes from the boss of the detective agency and her rival who's trying to get complete control over government. It makes more sense in context and is very dramatic. A summary doesn't do the plot any justice

>>21733447
I think people who like Philip K. Dick would like it a lot.
>>21733492
I don't doubt it but you still need to have a good summary or people won't give it their time. Like what kind of magic is it that they clean up the crime scene with, Vanesco Evidentia or is it Satanic witchcraft? Is there nothing in the crime scene because the victims are eaten whole by demons? When I write magic I really like to bring up Ars Goetia and other cultist shit.

>>21733447
just post it and accept the possibility that you won't get feedback

>>21732025
>looked at him with a very brief, irritated look, as if he were out of patience
don’t describe something twice. He either looked at him as if he were out of patience, or he gave him a brief, irritated look. Not both. This is a good universal rule for every sentence you write.

>>21728780
Everyone in this thread is going to make it eventually

>>21732284
I think this is a good sign, anon. We want readers to be invested in our stories. We want them to care. Unfortunately some readers are fucked in the head and will respond in strange ways, but it’s still better than no one caring at all. Nothing to do but to keep writing.

>>21733591
its just magic. i kept it somewhat ambiguous and in story people are still researching it. However its also heavily restricted by law. theres no demons or anything like that since i didnt want any ass pull solutions like 'it was a demon the whole time and not the person we suspected'. a lot of the politics take focus instead

Today is one of those days when I feel like I suck, like every word is a miligram of vomit from my fingers.

i was super pumped to do a large edit of my book, calculated how many hours it would take me, broke it down into daily tasks, worked on it every free moment i had yesterday, then this morning i woke up and had completely lost interest. fuck.

>>21733918
So force yourself to do it, faggot. Inspiration is a fickle bitch that can only be brought into line by the pimp hand of discipline.

>>21733930
Damn brain goblins. How do I get rid of them?

>>21733949
For starters stop frog posting

>>21733972
Why should I? Pepe/Apu are the rulers of 4chan

I'm working on writing very short fiction. Thinking of doing a collection. Here's the second piece in the collection:
https://privatebin.net/?07f09f67f8d28f3f#FbcKhPzbjBxUv3KwoD5SHcntgBHP6SXspwL9davJ3sTW

>>21734032
Really nice. The short sentences put me in the pace of the guy's thinking. Got me anxious and hopeless. Can you share the first one?

Grade my work I think I've got it to its almost perfected state. Going to maybe work this into a short story, send it off somewhere, then if someone shows interest try and turn it into a full novels since the original idea was four or five different short stories about people dealing with unexplained or odd UFO encounters.

>>21734069

Shit. Posted the older version by mistake here's the perfected version

>>21734067
Thanks for the kind words friend-o. Here's the first piece:
https://privatebin.net/?2cd39a675ba96bd6#GKzmorjw2fBPmjhpvN2bSqqixmwk3LhonwjWb6YsrYih

>>21734032
This is great, anon. Couple incorrect words but I really like it.
>out of the house past* the park
>annihilation is imminent*
>anticipation is getting too much to bear*

>>21734032

I thought the paranoia and sense of dread was really well done. Somethin about it reminded me of Krasznahorkai's Chasing Homer, I think you'd like it a lot going by your writing style. I'm the anon writing about the UFOs

https://rentry.org/dsrcu
schizo cyberpunk stuff

"Fly home, little birdie," Emmanuel said.

"Well, I don't think I have a home anymo-" Before she could say anything, a huge hole was made in her face, with an explosion of gushing gored meat, pieces of brain, blood, and bones. She instantly fell with her face towards the ground, with half her head now being an open hole, and the other half marked with her only remaining eye, showing a surprised and terrifying look.

Emmanuel looked towards an unknown figure nearby. "Rabbi Goldstein," he said with an angry face, as if he wished a terrible curse upon everyone on earth.

"This isha should have kept her mouth closed," the Rabbi said, while loading another round in his shotgun pistol.

Emmanuel tried to draw his own pistol, but it was too late, for the rest of the Rabbis were there, all shooting towards him. He died alongside Gabby, the girl whom he had just met.

Seeing all this was a young Adi, who swore a great bloody revenge upon the Rabbis.

>>21734573
Part of a revenge novel I'm currently working on. The Rabbinate of Exiles is a secret organization who practice an ancient Canaanite deity.
This boy, Adi, sees the destruction and death im his village and swears to avenge his brothers.

>tfw reading something you wrote ten years ago and it's actually good

Weedman here. If you watch the latest Unreal episode and are thinking about buying my book, hold out. I'm trying to patch up the first 50 pages for readability at the moment.

You have been warned.

>>21728780
"While the computer translated the message Nelson had already predicted the outcomes of the offer that would be made by the minuscule aliens: an ultimate sanctuary of isolation. The possibility that the mysterious agent that prevented him from enjoying reality was in fact the sum of all the burdens of life – monetary insecurity; risk of catastrophes collapsing above the head of the world; crime and violence – had already crossed his mind, and in fact for a short period in the last days he had convinced himself that the mysterious agency had finally been revealed. If this hypothesis was factual indeed, the entrance into an ultimate realm of security would mean the complete victory over the agency: Nelson would retake the igneous spark of life, and would be capable of enjoying everything that he was prevented from doing for decades into the simulated worlds inhabited by the philosophical zombie version of the plethora of individuals accessible by the Master Cross terminals once inside the Fortress of Solitude. He believed the silos were not secure enough, and that is why the agency persisted. But this was absurdly different: stability supreme. If only he had another way to secure the status of Nina… Nina. The girl returns with crushing force back into his conscious mind that was aloof in the last seconds conjecturing the possibilities offered by the Brotherhood of the Hole. The despicable temptation to turn his back on her and delve into the hole was in no way an alternative considered by Nelson, but his obsessive mental status kept pushing this thought back into his conscious mind, making him believe that he was indeed tempted by this outcome when in fact it was just his diseased compulsive brain playing tricks on him. He could be a despicable person, but this level of doublethinking and irresponsibility were extremely far from the realm of things he was capable of doing. The strain was enough to demolish the frail awakening that sustained his ascension so far, and the uttermost confusion and anguish befell upon his back once again. This time he had no one to help him and alone he would have to prolong his journey up ahead in the mountains. The shadow looming above his back was unfathomably towering, but this towering presence of inscrutable darkness blew on his face a sense of proximity to Nina that enforced a clear vision of his duty never before experienced by the man, extinguishing his obsessiveness. Perhaps not alone was his burden being carried in the end. Still overburdened, at least now he has a clearer sense of the imperativeness of enduring it. Then with the breeze blowing, he turned his back on the Brotherhood of the Hole and retook his pitiable quest on the heights of despair. "

Alright Emilyanon let's see what you wrote.

>>21734848
I'm about to start it also

Any of you lads going to win Passage Prize 2?

>>21734880
>submissions closed
Bro why didn't you tell me

>>21734889
Sorry anon

The problem with Archimedes is that his invention is only sustained by the grace of platonic forms, from which he (and his mortal enemies/accomplices, his frenemies, and his competitors) draw. He swam through the portal, the breaststroke through the penance of artifice, how distilled yet how cruel and offputting a perfectly motionless lake with no ripple be, how immaculate but how awful I recall. A pool is never touched or bitten by the presence of the despondent. How a stagnant manmade lake can be both perfect and scary. The olive tree branch is powerful enough to break the whistling sword that emerges above in heavenly form, similar to, and this is a nice usage of metaphor for once, Damocles sword.

and indeed, Damocles sword, the branch of olive tree is strong enough to snap the whistling sword, sure thing, but for the spectacle and its "vaudeville" oddities in gore of battle, Archimedes unlike the greats of military leader, sacrificed show for show, no peace is worth the cost of immense spectacle.

>>21734921
>frenemies
Retarded, I laughed

>>21734921
this reads like a stroke

...

>>21734957
>>21734933
BRO'S, IT'S GOOD, MAKES SENSE, SOUNDS SMART, YOU TRIPPIN.

>>21734957
>>21734933
t. retards with sub 100 IQ
>>21734964
ignore them they are retarded

>>21734968
>>21734964
Make your samefagging less obvious retard-kun
and don't post your trash here if you can't take criticism

>>21734960
Holy fuck, anon. What are you writing?

>>21734974
>tries to criticise the perfect passage
arrogance will be your downfall, also take your meds. actual schizo.

>>21734980
something that isn't good enough. I need to 100x those numbers

>>21734861
>>21734848
Thanks guys! I was wondering why how I sold two books last week. Appreciate it! Hope you enjoy it

>>21734974
retarded loser who has no skills so copes with writing.

>>21734997
I could only hope to get those numbers. Are you writing shorts, or novels?

>>21735003
>>21734986
>immediately begins kvetching when called out on his shit

>>21734957
>>21734933
you could have just stated that you have the reading comprehension of a retard.

>>21734069
cut the adjectives, dont overwrite your dialogue tags

Everything else looks good.

>>21734069
too try hard

>>21734074
no substance but functionally on point

>>21735071
>still trying to damage control
your writing is shit and your tantrum isn't making you look good

Bro's i re-wrote it:

Archimedes' inventiveness is only maintained by the elegance of platonic forms, from which he (and his mortal enemies/accomplices, frenemies, and competitors) draw. He swam through the portal, the breaststroke through the penance of artifice, how distilled but cruel and offending a completely still lake with no ripple could be, how pristine yet how dreadful I recollect. The presence of the dejected never touches or bites a pool. How a frozen man-made lake can be both gorgeous and terrifying. The olive tree branch is strong enough to break the whistling sword that appears above in heavenly form, akin to Damocles' sword, and this is a wonderful use of metaphor for once.

and indeed, Damocles sword, that which the branch of olive tree is strong enough to snap, sure thing, but for the spectacle and its "vaudeville" oddities in gore of battle, Archimedes saw the whistling sword unlike the greats of military leaders, he saw how it sacrificed show for show, and his verdict? no peace is worth the cost of immense spectacle.

>>21729127
Dude, if I wrote something, and sold a single copy like that, I would be dancing in the streets.

Congrats

>>21729127
Blessed.
May these dubs shine upon you

Jason's heart was pounding in his chest as he pressed his back against the cold brick wall, staring in disbelief at the monstrosity that had been chasing him just moments ago, now frozen solid before him. His mind was racing, trying to make sense of what had just happened.

As he stood there in the dark alleyway, catching his breath, he heard footsteps approaching from behind the frozen creature. Two figures emerged from the shadows, both dressed in black robes adorned with strange symbols. Jason felt a shiver run down his spine as he gazed the two men.

"Who are you?" one of them demanded, his voice cold and menacing. "And how did you freeze this Wild Beast?"

Jason's mind was still reeling from the shock of what had just happened, and he struggled to find the words to respond. "I don't know," he stammered. "I was just running, and then... it just happened."

The two men exchanged a glance, clearly unsure of what to do next. "We should take him to Barcas," one of them said, his eyes gleaming with anticipation.

Before Jason could protest, a group of people, in dark blue hoods, appeared from the shadows, led by a young woman with dark blonde hair. "I don't think so," she said, her voice ringing out clear and strong. "This one belongs to us."

The two men hesitated for a moment, then disappeared in a cloud of dark mist. Jason breathed a sigh of relief, but his heart was still racing as he turned to face the woman who had just saved his life.

"Who are you?" he asked, his voice trembling slightly.

"My name is Cassandra," she replied, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips. "And I think we need to have a talk."
I'm trying to write some generic fiction to see if I can make a buck

>>21735248
Generic indeed.
If you make a buck let everyone know. I don't think it's a good idea to compete with the generically inclined because they're so numerous that only the lucky and the talented among them will make any $. There's a million and one writers with your skillset who all are true believers in their schlock -- you'll give up on what you are cynical about before they give up on theirs, simply because they're doing it for the love of it.
For your sake, write something that you actually enjoy so that at the least it's unique.
And please don't write a gary stu protag I am fucking SICK of them. Either go full enabling reader 'self insert' by making the MC a mask or make him interesting and memorable.

>>21729127
where can i get a tutorial for publishing on amazon with a pseudonym? i'll start writing schlock at work and pump it out. you've inspired me.

>>21735283
not the op, but this is really great advice, which i needed to read

>>21735248
Sorry if it comes across as harsh because I'm a bit tipsy but when I read things like this it feels very ehh. It's like you're beating me over the head.
>His mind was racing, trying to make sense of what had just happened.
This sentence is useless. What is the purpose of this? Just because it's words that doesn't mean it does something. What does this sentence do?
>As he stood there in the dark alleyway, catching his breath,
Why do you need to frame this as contemporaneous? He stood in the alleyway catching his breath and
>he heard footsteps approaching from behind the
cut
>Two figures emerged from the shadows behind the frozen creature, both dressed in black robes adorned with
>strange symbols.
why do you say something generic if there's no meaning in it. If I look at something that is strange, why is it strange, what do I notice? Why is it important that you specify that there's a symbol if the symbol is just strange?
>Jason felt a shiver run down his spine as he gazed the two men.
I think this is better if it's accompanied by an action, possibly the "why are you" said one of them. Because you don't really shit your pants until someone does something to you like aggressively telling you something

>>21735283
I'm the OP, I had ChatGPT generate that text. As for the MC, that's the problem, it's hard to make a memorable MC, it's usually side characters and villains that are memorable. The overall story it's that the MC has the power to make magic with only his hands (even though it is very weak), which together with these "monsters" he was fighting, means that the end of times is near and that the Big Bad Legendary Villain will return (only to be revealed later that he wasn't truly evil, and wanted to destroy an truly evil force that invades earth in the future, where the book is set, in a cyberpunk future).
I thought about making the MC weak compared to his mates. But overall it still feels very generic, which is what most of fiction books are.

>>21735320
>I'm the OP, I had ChatGPT generate that text.
yeah it shows

>>21735320
>it's hard to make a memorable MC
Helluva self-report as to your own lack of creativity

>>21735320
>I'm the OP, I had ChatGPT generate that text.
ty for wasting my time nigger

>>21735315
I made a robot write that, only gave it basic information.
>Because you don't really shit your pants until someone does something to you like aggressively telling you something
I disagree. If yousee two hooded persons in a dark lit night in LA, for one, you will shit your pants because you are probably going to get mugged.
These two guys who approached the MC (as I told the AI), were Necromancers, basically, with the symbols being the Punic writings of their diety. Who is basically the brother of the Big Bad Villain I wrote about here >>21735320, who was the first Necromancer (called Necros, for Puritas Necromantica, as their society is called), who according to them will come back one day with a huge army of undead soldiers

>>21735303
desu my first book sold 0 and got 0 reads lol
so I wouldn't be the guy to talk to

>>21735335
I have stopped giving a shit about your nigger prompt so I didn't read your cope post
Grow a brain please

>>21735345
>can't use robot tools to aid in creating a better story or spellcheck in the year of our lord 2023
What a faggot.

>>21735349
You Will Never Be a Writer

>>21735359
I can always write self-help.

editors are the parasites of the literary world

So this is how this general dies, right? Buncha teenagers shitting AI garbage?

>>21735376
All the cool kids are over in the &amp thread

>>21731838
Do you have any critique anon? You apparently read it twice but said nothing about it :(

>>21735248
>Jason's heart was pounding in his chest
where else would it be pounding?

>>21735376
Shut up.
I'm very writteringo.
I will publish something one day just you wait.

>>21735320
Thanks for the reply, kill yourself.

>>21735349
>better
sweet lord, if that piece of shit was your idea of better then please do yourself a favor and get a community college degree and a job. I promise you, you'll be happier, more fulfilled, and you'll do the world a favor by avoiding wasting literally the four hours of combined time that people will spend reading your AI generated garbage. Maybe somebody GPT will be able to make good fiction, but as long as people like you use it as a fucking butter churn, all you'll do is shit up Amazon and make it a slower site while inconveniencing the poor souls that will inevitably give up on reading your 250 kb of dreck.

>>21735320
>I had ChatGPT generate that text
is this the new cope for shitty writing?

>>21735530
by god i hope not

unironically predicting that chatgpt and its mass adoption by idiots will filter out many new and unconfident writers, only leaving the talented and passionate to rise above, artificially enabling an artistic renaissance. Man's war against the AI machine will bring us fucking rad writing the likes of which we have not seen in a long, long time.

>>21735539
counterpoint, it's going to focus on novelty like dadaism and will in fact be pretty gay and lame

>>21735539
>talented writers are talented right away or they are worthless pieces of shit writers
ngmi

>>21735539
>Man's war against the AI machine will bring us fucking rad writing
any quality writing will drown in the trillions of shitheap submissions and getting any visibility will depend even more on being a rich blue-haired American

>>21735559
Quality writing is already drowning.
Writing is quickly becoming a commodity, to be used once and thrown away.
I don't like it any more than you do.

>>21735576
>Quality writing is already drowning.
it's gonna get worse
I thought that the art scene couldn't possibly get any worse than it was, but then AI came and it did indeed get a lot worse
just the sheer noise of endless AI shittery is going to completely overwhelm everything else

>>21735592
God I hate normies so much.
Nothing against them. But god damn it I fucking hate their way of being so much.

>>21735659
"God must love stupid people; he made so many of them." -Lily Tomlin

>>21735592

I unironically came here because I can't write for shit and want to illustrate simple comics/ stories;
if anyone is interested you can reply to this post or if you prefer to not post anything here:

anonneedsawriter@protonmail.com
discord: dxmeralds#1452
https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/1551752

I'm open to anything at this point. Pic related is from a manga I tried to make 2 years ago, and it went nowhere. I've just accepted my strengths don't lie in writing a good story. If I like your work, I'll gladly draw you an illustration for use at the very least :)

>>21728780
>Looked at Kinda Vella
>Only smut sells
time to make cheap smut
>>21729127
Nice. Make sure to one day put 20 dollars into advertising for more reads.

>>21735711
What you got in mind?

>>21735734

I guess if anything I wanted to make small comics where each page has a "punch line" or 4 panels or whatever, but they all kind of tie in together. Like Calvin and hobbes.

but thats me, I'm looking for something more interesting than that truth be told, my best work always comes from other peoples ideas.
If you have something you've written that you are passionate about, that is more than enough for me. I don't care if its sci-fi or philosophy or slice of life, just give me the passion. If anything I would say I have range to my art, so subject matter isn't a problem.

>>21735752
I've only written preg stories so far, would you be interested in that?

>>21735592
>>21735576
>>21735559
Nothing will change. They'll fire half the reporters who write sports recaps or shitty buzzfeed articles. They'll fire marketers who write copy. Amazon will be flooded with AI shit instead of plagiarized MTL fanfiction. This shit is already so shit it can't get any worse.

AI is going to upset employment and productivity, not art.

>>21735761

Not entirely sure what that is, like pregnancy?
I suppose? I would need to see the actual writing to make a better judgement.

>>21735785
https://www.deviantart.com/metrobook
Sure, take your pick. I've written fantasy, sci-fi, slice of life, the works.

>>21735788

Interesting. I read "How Life Thrives in the City of Light (Part 1)"
I like the descriptions of the characters and scenery. I honestly don't have a pregnancy fetish but it's really an interesting concept, pregnancy. I'm wondering if more could be done, by having the angle be less about the fetish, and more like what you were describing here:

>"A young girl dies and is reborn in a magical world, however she's reborn as an unborn baby, capable of talking telepathically with her new mother. "

I could see this being an interesting piece. All in all, I would be happy to at least draw a cover for a story, if there's one in particular you want done. (I'd have to make a new deviantart but I could just send you the finished result there)

Not gonna lie, not what i was expecting lol. I do draw a lot of thicc anime girls though, like pic related I drew today, so if you want it semi- smutty, I don't see why not.

>>21735857
I'd be fine with whichever one you like the most, but the Orc one, Rouge Deception and Party Wipe are some of my personal favourites. If you don't want to make a DA account, you can just post it here at a later date, I'll be sticking around for a while still

Doesn't need to be smutty, the thing about fetish stories like this is that the topic itself is enticing enough. You can be as smutty as you feel the cover needs.

That specific story idea is one I had swimming in my head for a good while because there's a "meme" around pregnancy sites and thread about making a pregnancy isekai and it's a surprisingly hard story to make while still being interesting and unique.

Thanks for the attention and the compliments about my descriptions. I try to make a decent story beyond the fetish itself.

Which word seems to fit this scene better? Ever since I first caught sight of the word in CAS’s Zothique Cycle, I’ve fallen in love with levin.

>Sneed lazily held his hand aloft; a thin finger pointed at Yakub. Then a rune of death issued from his lips, and a coruscating bolt of levin striked forth. The brilliant light that blinded the chamber flashed red, blue, and gold alternately.

>>Sneed lazily held his hand aloft; a thin finger pointed at Yakub. Then a rune of death issued from his lips, and a coruscating thunderbolt striked forth. The brilliant light that blinded the chamber flashed red, blue, and gold alternately.

And yes, I did write the scene on a whim, written with words that already existed within my vocabulary but I did not know how to use, in order to better incorporate them so that I may use them at my unconscious pleasure. (This scene is a second draft.)

>>21735949
*typo, should have written struck forth instead of striked

>>21735949
It really depends on what mood you want to set. Using such an old term for lightning brings a really antiquated or classical tone to the narrative. Is the character doing the bolt particularly old or old-fashioned?

>>21735949
Levin will make reders think of Final Fantasy 14, as the term is frequently used therein.

>>21735752
The story I have in mind is much more aesthetic than the content itself. I would be pleased if you gave a tought, artistically wise, about the elements of the story. I hope you can see this post. It's something I've been cooking in my head for quite a while, and I've been hoping for someone with the will to help me. My drawfag friends irl are short sighted, and are usually drawn to tattoos and some once in a life time painting.

>>21736048

Sure I suppose; I have a rather large portfolio actually that contains nsfw but also more serious works:

https://files.catbox.moe/cratuo.jpg

Did you want to send me a draft or just describe here some ideas you have for the story? I can at the very least give you some feedback.

>>21735711
watch the paneling, anon

>>21736078
>nsfw
it's called porn

>>21735711
Sent you a friend request on discord

>>21735402
kek
I'll read it later, maybe on lunch break
getting reads but no crits is a sign that you're clean but not noteworthy
I've had it happen to me and I've done it to others. hard to say anything when it's solid but mostly unimpactful

>>21729127
You did it, anon. Congratulations!

>>21735711
>Like Calvin and hobbes
I'd be stoked if you could illustrate this flash

>read a great book
>"holy shit, i can see the scenes, my own writing is just retelling the outline"
>"the dialogue makes my heart clench, it's so good, my dialogue barely scratches the theme"
>"why am i even writing when this exists?"
>"who would even write in my genre when this genre is this much better"
>"i'd never read my book if i was someone else"

My book is so mediocre nobody wants to bother commenting on i is that a good sign?

>>21737573
in what regard, popularity? it's the worst possible thing. you're better off writing hyper cringe garbage than something that isn't exceptional

>>21737573
No

>>21737300
Everyone starts somewhere broski. I guarantee you most great authors felt the exact same way. You shouldn't be demoralized by great writing, but instead, let it motivate you to get better. So long as you keep at it, one day maybe someone will say the same about your writing.

>>21737585
Yes

>>21737573
Comments where? Here? Doesn't really matter. Or on the site that's hosting it?

>>21735559
>>21737725
Here and reddit. I think I need to subscribe to scribble hub and Royal road

>>21734848
I read the first 3 chapters. Not bad. Could use more description of San Francisco, but it also feels like it's enough

>>21737300
>>read a great book
>>"holy shit, this is just telling an outline. my own writing has imagery"
>>"the dialogue is pointless and unnatural. it's so bad. my dialogue has more depth"
>>"why aren't i writing more when this is the standard?"
>>"who would couldn't do be successful when this genre is so barren"
>>"i'd read my book if i was someone else"

Now bounce back and forth between these two states forever

I'm writing the story for a video game that takes place in the US in the 1980s. There's a character who has a very "western" sounding name, but the artist decided to draw him as an Asian man.
I'm conflicted on whether I should change his name or not. Typically, in video games such as this, if an Asian character has a western sounding name, there's some reason given for why that name was chosen (Umineko is a great example of this). On the other hand, I don't see any reason why an Asian character in the US can't have a western name.
Before I started writing, I did lots of theater, and we would always make-do with what we had. I remember being in a play in which a 13-year old boy was played by a middle-aged black woman, and the boy's mother was played by a 20-something Latina girl. I'm of the opinion that video games have a similar strength as stage, in that an actor's appearance doesn't have to match the character they're playing.
Personally, I don't think it should be changed. But I'd like to get some opinions.

>>21737869
It's not uncommon for Asian immigrants to rename themselves to something western when they come over. Probably less common these days, but it wouldn't have been unusual in the 80s. I knew a family that came here and let their three sons pick new names and ended up with kids named John, Peter, and Dragon.

>>21737869
>asian man
>western sounding name
>video game
what's the problem?

>>21737902
>John, Peter, and Dragon.
fuckin sick.
>>21737911
I've never played No More Heroes, but isn't it supposed to be kinda goofy? This game has a much more serious tone.

>>21736078
>these Jesus iconography together with huge titted anime girls
I can't send my old drawings now, but if you could draw something in the lines of it, I would appreciate. It's basically this roman army with world war 2 era technology, and a few fighting mechas, who are fighting near Baghdad against avancing Sino-Japanese forces who have the same arsenal, with the battlefield resembling a WW1 trench warfare No Man's Land, . However, both armies also posses wizards (war wizards, healing wizards, food wizards, every wizard is specialized in something), who also engage in combat. That's the start of the comic/manga basically. With the MC falling with his damaged airplane right in the middle of battle. The Romans eventually lose when the emperor of this Sino-Japanese coalition appears riding a massive asian dragon.
I think it's too much though, to mixture so many fantasy elements in something that is set on Earth. However, I think it would be generic to create a new world only for it to be like the real one (e.g Imperials and Nords in Skyrim).
So, if you could, please draw some roman WW2 soldiers concepts, along with their asian enemies.

>>21737929
Your game is taking place in America in the 1980's, not the Edo period. By this point the chinese had already been in the country for at least 100 years, and immigrants changing their name upon entry was pretty standard practice. If your story is serious maybe make a point of referencing that when his grandparents changed the name his old country roots were somewhat lost, but that only led to a fresh start. Or really make it important and have some of the plot be him trying to reconnect, only to discover that what he has right now is the product what he's done for himself.

I have a different and interesting concept, at least, on my fiction novel. However, every path I can think about developing the story, seems generical

>first book about mc learning how to control his powers with his new found group, while they fight off the secret government forces and in the end they fight an evil counterpart of their group
>second book they team up with the government to defeat the big bad, who in the end turns out not being really bad
>last book is everyone trying to impede earth's destruction by a multitude of otherwordly monsters, led by a demon looking guy, who is eventually defeated
The thing is that I also don't know how they would defeat the demon looking guy, because he would be very powerful. I think ancient arctifact/prophecy is saturated already.

>>21728780
What's /lit/s opinion on fanfiction?
I used it to strengthen my writing before I start writing original works.

>>21737985
>Earth is in peril!
Scale it way down. Presumably if powers are thing there are other people with other agendas with powers. Make the first part of the story focus on much smaller conflicts. This will help you introduce all the characters on his team and give them backstories.

>Write a story with a depressing premise
>How do I end it
>I don't want to end it in a double suicide
>Is there a way to make it end any better
>No there isn't
>Force myself to write variations of the ending
>They're all that even more bleak
>Feel suicidal again
How the fuck can you write some hope into a story when you have none yourself

>>21738003
It's good. Feels like a lower stakes deal and it grabs attention much faster.
But I begin feeling too limited by the source material after a while, and honestly I don't feel like I'm a "true fan" of any intellectual property, so I have to waste a lot of time researching the setting, studying the characters...

>>21738028
The lady who wrote The Bell Jar wrote an optimistic good ending for her story (about her self-insert character) and she still commited suicide.
The dude who wrote Journey to the End of the Night lived a long life and his story was bleak from beginning to end.
Just write it out, bro.

>>21737985
>worried about book 3
>hasn't written word 1 of book 1

>>21738041
It feels phony when I force it

>>21738025
Thanks. That's what I was thinking, with the first part being about his group's conflicts and clashes with this government agency, localized in a single city. With the rest of the story evolving to something greater.

Well /wg/, can you do it?

>>21738069
I grabbed and gazed upon it; Neither white nor black, it had the color of milk and coffee when mixed together and, being recently washed, it had good smell.

The size was a little bigger than my own hand, which I can usually look to measure it.

It came to existence by a great hole, which it returns to sporadically, even though it is not exactly the same hole he came out from.

Few people claim to have owned it besides myself. Only one, could be said to have truly owned it.

The experiences of it vary widely, being used in repetitive tasks, to hours of passion.

It will surely be used untill I die, but it's workings will surely be hampered by time. One this does happen and the time comes for it's retirement, sure the ladies of the world will weep, remembering fondly forever in their hearts, the great and passionate, the aggressive and abusive, time, they have spent with my dick.

>>21738030
>so I have to waste a lot of time researching the setting, studying the characters...
I totally get that.
I've used to read so many books in the series that a lot of the knowledge came second hand.
I did a YouTube break down about why a characters depiction across several books was skitzo and incongruous and how to make it better.

I received a comment making a suggestion for another character breakdown and I hadn't read those books in years, and any sort of nuance would require a bit of work. I'm not sure 600-800 views justifies the effort when I could just write my own stuff.

>>21738069
The damn bottle looked like it was nagging at me, standing there, almost empty. No longer full of beautiful color reminding me of fragrant oak wood and sunshine's warm caresses. A few drops of liquor on its bottom were a miserable sight...

I did not buy it, it had a curious story. Which made my sorrow worse! I got the bottle from a very pleasant exchange. I had some luxury food, another man had some good booze. We were both satisfied by the arrangement.

The bottle outlived it's days, this night it will be spent at last. No longer will it seduce me in my best and worst. No longer will it provide a refuge for my wandering soul. I'll end it and I'll lick the last drop ftom it's rim like a hungry puppy earning for his bitch-mother's milk.

Since AI niggers started posting here I no longer want to share my own writing

>>21738266
Toughen up buttercup

>>21738181
Since I started drinking, I had to add one paragraph more. I got the idea to finish the bottle when I remembered my bitter sweet and unanswered love for one appalachian girl too keen for her own good. Truly, only two things desire the fall of men the most: wild young ladies and brandy.

>>21738069
It looked as if a dozen different interns had already laid their hands on this laptop. You could tell by the wear and tear of the keys, the discoloration of the black mate handrest, the missing pointing stick. It fits right at home with the rest of the old, busted shit I own, only missing a soft layer of dust to truly blend in with the rest of the environment. Everyday I use this cheap laptop for hours, modifying and documenting the configurations of internet devices in places far away from this dusty frugal rathole. Everything in my life feels as frugal, dusty and remote as this Dell.

>>21738303
Why do you say toughen up? It's just a waste of time to participate to the thread if everyone's submissions are just AI shit

>>21738003
I really like it.
Most modern writing is just bad fanfiction anyway
Give me good fanfiction for fuck's sake.

>>21738003
>>21738365
>>21738030
An addon question, where does everyone read their fanficts?

Is there a particular site or repo you go to?

>self-proclaimed critic
>i didn't like the protagonist's character
Oh, it's a midwit.
why do you need to like a character as a person?
this is so fucking juvenile

people shat on my writing and i'm still shit.

>>21738382
FF
Fuck ao3

>>21738383
I'm not even talking about a comment on any story I wrote. Just hearing this guy write off a story because he didn't like the protagonist is giving me a blazing red flag. Like, goddamn.

>>21738382
I haven't read fanfics in a very long time. I just practiced writing one.
And since I was going after the lowest common denominator, I used fanfiction.net, wattpad, royalroad....

>>21738391
>FF
What's that? Forgive me I'm only getting back into it, I have read fanfictions for like fuck 18 years now?
>Fuck ao3
Why? Tbf I've only know weirdos and troons to use it but that's just my irl experience

>>21738427
Fanfiction dot net
Tag hell and pedo shit, anon. Tag hell and pedo shit.

>>21738383
this is a perfectly valid complaint and a great reason to drop a story. but as far as critique it's worthless if they don't explain why, exactly, they didn't like the character

>>21728780
I'm so tired of reading bad prose from classmates in school. Damn. It's approaching mental gymnastics.

a little detective story:
https://pastebin.com/raw/KntVbFJf
please r8, I'm working on my dialog

does fedbook not use "" ? im glancing through the look inside on amazon and i hope this is not the case

>>21737902
>kids named John, Peter, and Dragon.
All fine biblical names

>>21738356
No one is submitting AI stuff. You can tell because the punctuation is awful.

When I post my litrpg to royalroad does everyone promise to go give it 5 stars? We're supposed to be a family, anons

>>21738003
same reason i'm writing it. it's a good writing exercise and free feedback. the hilarious thing is a lot of fanfic writers can't finish their story and abandon it. it's a fleshing mill, wheat and chaff are separated. i feel like a lot of would be writers get knocked out when they cant even see off a fanfic start to finish.
>>21738030
artistic license my boi. the writers of the series are just as retarded of a writer as i am. if the fanbase already leverages criticism against sloppy worldbuilding or plot holes in cannon, just artistic license that shit and change whatever you want. no police are gonna stop you.
>>21738382
ao3 seems to be the most popular
>>21738391
>>21738432
why? i dont really know the difference. ao3 has retarded decorative tags and i'm not an anti and dont really care about ethics. if i dont like pedoshit i just dont read it.

i heard ff.n is outdated. not like i have skin in the game, it's just what i heard.

>>21738515
It’s well written anon, even though it’s pretty short and ends abruptly. Am I supposed to know why it ended the way it did?

>>21738713
mostly it was an exercise and I wanted to end it, but the idea is that danny is a serial killer and wasn't having idle chatter, but instead interrogating rook to see if he could get away with killing him

>>21738664
to be fair, any story can be posted on AO3.

i once saw a story that was just the distilled essence of /pol/ and they did nothing to it

>>21738732
I figured Danny did it but didn’t know why thanks anon, keep up the good work

>>21738757
Saturn Swept? Strong first chapter then wasted potential

>>21738547
Fedbook uses quotation marks for 90% of the book. The opening is some kind of narrativer frame that the meat of the book is nested inside. The "traveler and the old man" sections just don't use quotes, I guess to differentiate it from the rest. Which is a shame because it probably turned a lot of people off an otherwise strong sample. I would encourage a purchase interested though because the style does normalize like ten pages in

>>21738772
thanks!

Call me an AI shitter, but I've been playing around with ChatGPT recently and I've gotta say, it helps a ton. Is it a good sign if it likes my writing? I haven't written in a while and decided to submit a few rough drafts to our AI overlord while I get back into the groove, and it actually comes up with some pretty constructive and interesting feedback.

>>21738881
>I haven't written in a while

>>21734074
You're definitely improving.

lmao "call me an ai SHITTTER BRO"
nah i'd call you smart.

get with the times or get burying your own grave.

i've a high math ability but no brain when it comes to writing, guess what, that's all in the cookie now, i can plug my journal into her and rub you raw. you've been bitten and time to pump your muscles and accept it.
time to advance your game!

>>21739024
Lame. Humans have been rehashing the same tired Pinocchio story for so long. Now that we really have talking computers, they're regurgitating it right in our faces.

>>21739132
>or get burying your own grave.
This kind of quality shitpost is beyond a mere AI.

>>21738515
The shift from getting in the patrol car to the diner was a bit abrupt and the ending as well. I'm a bit confused as to what happened and why. I like the dialogue, though. It reminds me of those noir stories.

>>21731823
call me retarded and ESL but I didn't understand the ending.

>>21739376
Stop posting this shit

>>21737734
Some word choice errors but very interesting.

>>21739382
lmao how easily triggered can you possibly be? spare me a seeth-post in response, I won't read it.

>>21739397
I'm not triggered, it's just not good writing. No ai shit is. Its uninteresting too. Also you're scaring this anon >>21738266

>>21739158
>>21739180
>>21739196
>>21739196
>>21739211
>>21739376
>>21739397
May as well just spam the thread with random Wikipedia articles. Fuck off with your endless AI posting

>>21739406
it somehow connected the idea of FG wearing that komono as an act of rebellion against his wealthy parents. That's impressed me a bit. Bing is doing a good job as my literary pet.
>>21739422
does ai really make everyone so ass mad?
its a writing tool.

>>21739432
I don't care if you use AI - you are spamming the shit out of the thread. The fact its uninteresting drivel is only a compounding factor

>>21739432
>I'm uncreative
Please leave these threads until you read 10 books, movies, and plays. This is writing general not let ai do everything for me general

>>21739438
The thread was less than 10 posts until bump limit and you absolutely ass mad retards were not saying a damn thing. Get over yourself.

how valuable is goodreads as a marketing resource?

writing is the easiest hobby possible. all you need to do is know basic grammar for your language and some words
if you can think in language, you can write
imagine being intimidated by a medium that toddlers can do

>>21739495
its easy to write
its hard to make an interesting narrative that holds people to their books

>>21739495
Writing is easy, writing well is hard.

>>21737728
Won't help. That'll just be two more sites where you don't get any comments.
That's how it worked out for me.

>>21739532
Same here. I even tried writing fanfics (poorly edited but lets face it all fanfics are) to see if the subjects i write about are interesting and i still got nothing. I'm either the greatest writer who filters retards or the complete retard

>>21739376
The AI misspelled "kimono"...?
Not likely.
"Komono" is Japanese for knick-knacks.
Total phony as always.

>>21739438
He's obviously doing it on purpose just like every other tranny spammer who hates this site

Just report the retard tranny and wait for him to get banned.

>>21739373
Thanks for reading it anon. What I was going for was just leaving it totally up to interpretation what's in there. Wanted it to feel like maybe it was something supernatural/magical

>>21738664
>>21738432
Thanks mates, I appreciate all of the info.

>>21738881
this is cringe

>>21739495
You can bang on the piano keys and splash paint on paper. Call it post-modern music and avant-garde art. That's not much harder.

>>21731338
>le show don't tell
exposition is hard for midwits.

How do I write faster without sacrificing quality? Currently, it takes me a few hours to write 1000 words. My ideal goal is to write around 2500 in one or two hours.
When I look back on the writing experience to diagnose my issue, I often find myself self editing compulsively to the detriment of efficiency. With that in mind, I've tried to limit that behavior in favor of a more "stream of consciousness" method. It does not come easily to me, sadly. The resulting prose from this exercise is of much lower quality, not worth the little increase in volume gained when taking into consideration the increased time that I would need to spend editing it.

I don't get it! I don't fucking get it! After receiving your critique I feel like I have to write my sentences like if I was composing a poem. I don't understand, why is literature supposed to have it's own language and have such hard restrictions?

>>21740516
these people are all idiots, best you can do is decide what you want and do it

>>21738383
The protagonist pretty much IS the story. If you don't like it, why go on?

>>21737902
You must have lived next to Japs. The Chinese next door named their kids stupid shit like "Michael" and "America Super Football Number One Racecar"

>>21740490
exercise planning
youve been learning to execute, but you need to be able to figure it out first

Guys this will blow your socks off. Im literally David Foster Wallace.
Im going to need your thoughts and opinions, on this masterpiece.

>>21740724
It's pretty good. I like it.

>>21740490
Try using speech to text (or just a recorder followed by transcription). Alternatively you can try something like this: https://www.squibler.io/dangerous-writing-prompt-app

>>21740724
you've seemed to confuse your "its" for "it's"

Today I:
>changed a significant character completely
>put a novel defining event into my outline
>changed the genre
>wrote nothing

How do I stop?