/lit/ - Literature

>>21674644
>a genderbent asian gene modified jesus rents an apartment with matthew in downtown NYC in year 2007 after stealing a time machine from reptilians

“You can stare at me all you want, Sarah. Sooner or later those laxatives are going to kick in, and you’ll have no choice but to confess to eating my mother’s ashes. We’re all so disappointed in you. You were like family to us.”

—ES ESO, O LA VASECTOMÍA —DÍJOLE, PERENTORIA; LLEVABAN YA CUARENTA Y CINCO MINUTOS RIÑENDO.

—SABES CUÁNTOS MESES LLEVOME CRECER ESTA BARBA? SABES: UN AÑO; DOCE MESES, Y QUIERES QUE DE UN DÍA PARA OTRO RASÚREMELA, COMO SI NO HUBIÉRALA PEINADO Y ACEITADO CADA MAÑANA, CADA NOCHE, SOLO PORQUE TU VAGI ES MUY SENSIBLE...

LUISITO QUEDÓSE RUMIANDO UNOS MINUTOS, MIENTRAS ALEXANDRA MIRÁBALO CON MÁS DESDÉN QUE OTRA COSA, AUNQUE APENAS DISIMULADO.

—BUENO —ROMPIÓ LUISITO EL SILENCIO—, DEJA LLAMO PARA HACER CITA EN LA CLÍNICA; DE CUALQUIER MODO, PODEMOS USAR UN CUBREBOCAS CON RANURA.

>>21674644
"You can read his books in any order you wish and he also has the most scrumptuous transgender girlfriend."

>>21674644
I normally don't do this but I immediately remembered the videogame Façade, which gave me many laughs. Excellent game. Play it. Technically /lit/ since it's interactive fiction.

>>21674644
>his hair doesn’t connect to his beard his beard doesn’t connect to his mustache and I’m beginning to wonder if he doesn’t connect to me either… this summer, one woman’s search for meaning takes readers on a hair raising journey from Miami to Dallas in Colleen Hoovers new epic Manscape of Lies

>>21674720
It's over Luisitobros...

>>21674767
kek

I didn't know how to respond to him. When I told him I was a lesbian, the last thing I expected to hear was "So am I." Did he think this was some kind of joke? I noticed that his accent sounded Romanian and that he looked like someone straight out of a Bram Stoker novel. Did he just not know what that word meant?
"What I'm saying is, I'm only attracted to women."
"I know. Me too."
"But you aren't a woman!" I didn't want to shout, but the obvious lack in understanding was beginning to make my blood boil. In the next moment, thoughever, what he did made me take a step back with a gasp. He was actually taking off his pants! Was I about to be raped? Did he still not know what I meant?
Before I came back to my senses just long enough to run for the door and contact the police, I saw it. Or rather, it was what I didn't see that shocked me the most. He had testicles, but no shaft. I could hardly breathe just looking at it.
"This is me," he said. "I am a woman. A woman with testicles."

"I have bad news, my dear."
"I can tell...you have that look in your eyes."
"What look?"
"The one where it seems like you could start crying at any moment."
"But don't I always look like that?"
"Yes...and you always have bad news. You're a serious downer."
"But I thought that's what you liked about me!"
"I do! I never said I didn't."
"I knew I loved you for a reason. Anyway, I have some bad news to tell you."
"Well, out with it, then!"
"I lost my job today."
"So? You only started this morning. Why are you so hung up on it?"
"Because we're destitute! We'll never move out of your parents' house!"
"Eh? I thought this was *your* parents' house."
"Is it? It doesn't look familiar."
"Hmmm...now that you mention it, I don't recognize it either."
"Then...where are we?"
At that moment, the lights dimmed, and a voice on the PA system announced the furniture store was closing in 5 minutes.
"Oh. I guess we'd better go home."
"But where *is* our home?"
"What? I thought *you* knew!"
"No, I thought we lived *here*!"
"That's not possible; it's a furniture store."
"We, we know that *now*, but what about when we didn't?"
"Oh, this is all too confusing. I can't cope."
"I can't cope either."
"That's how I knew we were destined to be together."
"Indeed...these are the ties that bind, darling. So? Shall we?"
They linked arms and strolled toward the front door.
"I don't know what the future holds, but whatever it is, we'll face it together, and with the power of our love, nothing can go wrong!"

>>21674853
They stopped just before the door. Outside, the rain fell in thick sheets, interspersed with waves of pebble-sized hail.
"Do you have your umbrella?"
"*My* umbrella? I thought it was yours!"
"Why would *I* have a pink and purple umbrella with lacy fringes?"
"Don't be coy. You know you're into that sort of thing."
"You know me all too well. So...shall we brave the rain?"
"With you, anything is possible!"
Pushing together with one arm each, the door swung open and revealed a silent, inky void outside. The torrential rain was still visible through the glass, but not through the opened door.
"Wait...how does *this* make sense?"
"I don't know. Maybe this iisn't really a furniture store?"
"Then what is it? Is it Hell? Are we in Hell>"
"Why would Hell be a furniture store?"
"Why, do you actually *like* to shop for furniture? *No* one likes to. It's a perfectly miserable Hell, especially if we died when we were kids."
"We died when we were kids?"
"I don't know. Do *you* remember how you died?"
"I don't remember dying at all."
"Say, come to think of it, neither do I. Maybe we're alive?"
"Hard to say. Do you remember being born?"
"No...but I was very young when that happened."
"Well, isn't that convenient. Oh, look, the rain has stopped."
"So it has. The inky void was just an awning leading to an unlit street."
"Funny how we didn't notice it before."
"Well, you know, it was dark."
Arms still locked, they strolled outside.
"So...was this an intensely pretentious conversation, or what?"
"I don't know...Evan Connell wrote entire books like this."
"But he was *intensely* pretentious."
"I guess I can't argue with you there."
"Well, now that this is all settled, I have bad news for you too."
"Oh? What is it? Ugh...what's that smell?"
"That's the bad news. I farted."
"Oh, how pedestrian of you. What a rotten ending."
"It's all we could afford. We're poor and you're unemployed, remember?"
"Don't forget you're unemployed too."
"Just one more thing we have in common, my dear!"
"I love you."
"I love you too!"

>>21674723
It's not about you, Frank.

mans: what should we do about lester's special diet the doctor said he has celeriac disease and needs to cut out gluten so we're gonna need to stop at trad....

womans (in her head): god i want some bbc

>>21674853
>>21674862
This is just boring. I can't tell who's speaking, the characters just blurt out what the plot is rather than subtly hinting, and quite frankly, I don't care about their lives.

>>21674916
That was the point.

>>21674930
To waste people's time? Is that funny to you or something?

>make a joke youtube channel
>250 subs after putting in no effort
>make a serious youtube channel
>12 subs after spending multiple weeks creating the best content I can

>>21674942
The OP said to write a story about the image.
The image is of two bland, boring, pretentious-looking people.
So I wrote a story that matched that.

Which one was your story?
Did you even write one?
Are you only capable of writing one kind of story?
Can you even write?
Or can you only criticize, seethe, and miss the point completely?

>>21674961
People don't come home from a long day at their soul-sucking job to watch serious videos.

>>21674767
Breddy gud anon

>>21674723
>>21674916
>>21674942

>>21674644
Post Malone asking his mom for permission to get a tattoo but she ain’t having none of it today.

>>21674720
Kysf

>>21674849
Kekw

>>21674868
This. This is the post xD

>>21674849
Kek

>>21674644
Why doesn't his beard connect to his sideburns?
Why doesn't his moustache connect to his beard?
These were the questions that ran through her head when she saw her boyfriend enter the apartment. Slowly but surely others little things began to bother her about him. Paranoia grew and she began to realize. This was not the man she knew yesterday. Someone or something had disguised itself but had gotten various little details wrong.

>>21674644
"This isn't working out, Bob. I need someone better. I need someone who will love me for me. Someone who treats me like a queen. I am a queen, Bob." Marlene sits down on her throne-fort made from pillows and sofa cushions and puts on a Burger King crown. "You have to treat me like a queen, Bob."
"I don't understand--where is this coming from? You're acting insane?"
"There's nothing insane about it. You just have to do what I want otherwise we're breaking up because I can find 20 people willing to fuck me within thirty seconds of opening every app. Supply and demand, Bob."
"I thought we were talking about monarchy..."
"I'm a queen and princess, Bob. I get to say what goes but also won't say--you have to read my mind, Bob. You have to give me everything I wanted but didn't say because I'm too lazy sitting here on my fat ass cheeks swiping my phone and sucking up attention from a world--yes, a whole world, Bob--crammed to the gills with desperate sexless losers who would do anything to even sniff the farts of a 5/10 androgynous woman like me with chinky eyes and a flat chest, dumpy sloppy thighs, skin acne, inverted purple wrung out nipples, a rash dangerously near my vagina which itself looks like a pug that just got dragged behind a car for ten miles. I'm a queen, Bob, and you have to love me for me. And I love to smile, love laughing and love life so you better make me smile by buying things from my Amazon wishlist. Love is love, Bob."
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT FUCKING MEANS, MARLENE. WHAT DOES IT FUCKING MEAN YOU STUPID CUNT?" then Bob's cuck-o-meter finally hits critical mass and he snaps, grabs the ugly tranny looking plain jane by her rat head and slams it against the kitchen counter, shoves her hand into the garbage disposal like that scene in Rolling Thunder then cuts all her hair off making her look even more like a dyke; kicks her repeatedly in her sloppy drooping pug cunt and breaks her teeth with a hammer, forces her to look at her smashed and crumpling image in a big mirror while he cuts demonic runes into her boring dead loose flesh and summons Bahamut, who then, overfed on the odious cluster of self-centered narcissism inside Marlene's cunt, spontaneously combusts in a wild melange of multicolored vapors. Smell of sulfur fills the air as Marlene is dragged to Hell where she will spend an eternity only being able to match 1/10 indians on Tinder. Meanwhile in the land of the living, Bob takes Marlene's torched empty skin bag and stuffs it with silicone, tightens it up at all the right places and starts fucking it nightly. Turns out his cock is allergic to silicone though so one night after fucking "Marlene 2" a little too hard she springs a leak and squirts hot silver all over Bob's cock, which he presents at the ER with a rash but since the ER is staffed by ugly stupid niggers ushered through college on bad grades to support the delusion of equality, they treat Bob for poison ivy with cortisone and his knob falls off. Fin.

>>21676652
Stories like this make it worth it to come to 4chan.

He had bought the teal cushion two years previously, as a belated birthday gift that marked the end of good humour in their relationship. The feelings this cushion had thrown up, or maybe the lack of feeling it represented, had never come to a head. Even when, last year, he had arrived late home bearing the magnolia horror, half the price and half the decorative stitching, she did not react.
But those sloppy lines, that lack of stuffing, the toothpaste-striped miscreation made her rethink her sworn silence on those events that transpired in the summer of twenty-fourteen.
"The thing is, Mike... we're just normal men".
"What do you mean normal men?"
"we're just innocent men".
She was crying as she ran outside and jumped off the yacht.

>>21677634
wtf lol

>>21674644
Susan had been waiting patiently to see the gynecologist for well over an hour.

>>21674644
Done.

He saw her as love of his life, she saw him as a loser and a bad choice for a husband because of his dead-end job

>>21678146
You seem to have misunderstood. You were meant to write a story about the image, not repost the image with a caption. A caption is not a story. A story has a beginning, middle, and end.

>>21678655
It does although I should have made the filename "no" instead of please. You seem to be unaware you're obviously autistic--watch the pedantry and anonymous strangers may not notice so easily.

>>21678737
huh?

>>21678769
Exactly.

>>21674644
>>21678655
>A story has a beginning, middle, and end.
Done, in three sentences, one for each.

>>21678794
based

>>21674644
Once upon a time, they lived happily ever after.

There’s something about the synthetic memory that comes with a delay. Like the emotions are embedded from software on the other end. Usually, your best friend dating your best girl should hurt. You did the work. You gave her the most valuable thing you have to give—time. There’s even this sudden exhilaration as the images are projected into your eyes, illuminating your best friend and your best girl. A silence that pinches at your earlobes. Jealousy has such a fickle way of centering your focus on one person, while everyone else fragments and disappears. Almost as if this one image has taken on a three dimensional quality. It is, after all, slowing your ability to parse the world in front of you, stitched together in a 360 degree view. But once that image stops superimposing over everything else, you’re left staring at an empty road as traffic speeds by. Even with the fake memory clearer in this head than your real body, it becomes a faint hum, a signal lost in the rest of the noise rather quickly. <br>A digital square then superimposes in my eyes. Data parcels out in various bold fonts, erecting the display, and an android coos:
“How are you feeling?”
“I feel fine. Once the images stopped buffeting my head, I… felt like I forgot. Like I felt nothing. Like the emotions were manufactured. They’re clearer than the memories (emotions?) I had before this. Just not so potent.”
“We are still working out the kinks. It might take a few days before…”
“Before what?”
“You can’t tell the difference.”

>>21674644
Goddamn OP this is hard. I will use this image for a future story though.

/// I'd love to come to Hawaii with you, but I'm a little strapped /// Expect a breeze to allay the heat /// We decided to brave the elements and go for a walk /// He used his speech to sound a clarion call for affordable health care /// That is the fundamental perversity of dog whistle politics, whereby political parties send coded messages that will be heard one way by their core supporters and another way altogether by others /// The sound of the telephone was drowned out by the vacuum cleaner /// That's the spot where Sara and I used to while away the hours between lectures /// She scrawled her signature on the receipt /// The car pulled up too fast and skidded on the dusty shoulder of the road /// They were in constant contact, conferring about every aspect of the construction project /// How are we ever going to scrape enough people up to form a team by this weekend? /// You can count on him to ham it up for the camera /// The fat man loudly prattled unctuous apologies /// Some respondents who renewed contact with children or siblings had positive responses, but others were rebuffed /// Everything seemed to go wrong. For one, we had a flat tire /// Retailers are moving into high gear as the holiday season approaches /// She wrote several vignettes of small-town life /// Market sentiment can turn on a dime /// Symptoms include a wobbly gait, stumbling or a droopy lip /// We could hear the puppy yipping playfully in its kennel /// Prolonged use of alcohol also leads to cross-tolerance to other drugs, for example the barbiturates, so that the effectiveness of these compounds is reduced /// I came home laden with cardboard boxes /// However, as anyone who has experienced the bad egg smell will know, the unpleasant, putrid odour can make people feel sick, to the extent, sometimes, that they become sick /// I am not endeavouring to be difficult or in any way obstreperous /// Access to the manufacturing process is on a strictly need-to-know basis /// Ability and hard work cinched her success /// They recruited the paralegals in the local area, and not surprisingly, these seemed primarily to be part of the district coordinator's political network /// This is the time of the year that studios release their tent-pole film /// Nor should it be reduced into Manichean lenses - blaming property developers and the civil service for creating the crisis /// She sent a ten-page missive to the committee, detailing her objections /// Manual work was considered below their station /// Then the woodcutter let his axe fly - Thwack! Everyone heard it /// Everywhere we go, we're low-key checking out coffee shops, parks, and window seats for maximum reading coziness /// He made his way up a flight of steep stairs and into the main keep of the castle /// We are going to have to put the pedal to the metal if we want to finish on time /// The drive cable was wrapped around the drum several times to provide sufficient traction ///

>>21674644
>"But babe" she said. "There's just no way."
>"I'm afraid it's true"
>"You're telling me... so you're telling me a shrimp fried this rice?"