/lit/ - Literature

>>21651629
This isn't /tv/

>>21651634
>He was a two-bit hood from a one-horse town. She was an icy viperess with murder in her eyes. And I was the private dick hired to find their trail... or so I thought.

>>21651634
>>21651629
I think there should be a medium for vouce acted fiction like this put into a video with pretty puctures and soft music.

>>21651730
Noir was a literary fiction genre before it was a movie genre.

>>21651735
Noir literary fiction doesn’t exist. Totally different conventions from the movies. Crime fiction from the 20’-50’s mostly portrayal alcohol and sex as seedy and things people did to fill the void in their meaningless lives (this is especially prominent in The Long Goodbye) whereas the film counterpart portrayed these as glamorous and meaningful apart from a few exceptions

>>21651750
Didn't Hammett's Thin Man come out in the 20s? It was almost a parody of hard-boiled detective shit, but the drinking in it was all fun and not seedy.

>>21651951
It came out in 29 and the movie in 34.

>>21651629
Nice one P.I-epe keep combing the midnight streets.

>>21651629
>>21651648
Moar pls?

>>21652056
>Sometimes you play the ponies, and sometimes the ponies play you. There's three bullets left between me and the 'ol glue factory. I could trade 'em in for clover leaves and still end up one short. But ain't that just my luck.

>>21652111
Thank you anon. Any movie recommendations with such monologue?

This is a good thread. Peace.

>the city was alive that night, like a dead man before he died. Cigarette smoke meandered across the dive bar, and I laid my hand on my revolver. The solid steel of the handle was like one of those steel girders the workers are sandwiches on in New York, and as I looked down at my whiskey I realised I hadn't packed a sandwich...

>>21652111
DO NOT FUCK CARTOON HORSES

>Some birds sing, but that bird had a throat for booze and a beak for powder. I knew, she wasn't going to spill it all out on the floor like when I cook macaroni.

>>21652299
>>21652111
>>21651648
>>21651629
Books with this feel?

>>21652322
The L.A. Quartet

>>21652327
ty

>>21652111
Wtf does any of this mean

>Life is like a race. You either win or you lose. Hell of it is, I'm stuck in traffic and I don't even have a goddamn driver's license

>>21652398
>Sometimes one takes advantage of women, sometimes one is taken advantage of by women. There isnt much time before my inevitable demise, and even if my luck increased it still wouldnt be enough to save me.

>>21652136
>Steam rose from the subway like smoke drifting across a dive bar. I got the tip; a thousand barrels of bootlegged booze, that night in Harlem. A tall order. But not as tall as the Empire State Building, where I worked.

>He had a bullet with my name, nickname and mom's maiden name on it

>>21651629
>If her eyes had been pistols, I’d be dead as Dillinger right now.

>Slippery Jack, that's what I called my partner. He was a sly one, always able to slither out of tight spots, both on the streets and with the boss. He was quick with a quip and quicker with his wits, and I never quite knew what he was thinking. But despite his slippery exterior, Jack was a good man to have on your side when the bullets started flying. He was a damn good detective, and I was lucky to have him watching my back. Just don't ever turn your back on him, because that's when Slippery Jack will strike.

>>21652439
She ain't the first dame that shot at me, but she's the first who really meant it. The first girl was just trying to get my attention. But this crazy broad - I'm starting to think she don't want me on the case no more.

Based thread

>>21651750
Technically true, but Hardboiled and Noir are the same thing as far as the public is concerned.

>>21652416
Vinceposting was the peak, God I miss it.

>>21651629
wow textbook femme fatale

>>21651629
>She had an arse full of farts
>And I fucked them right out of her

>I watched her take a long drag of her cigarette. She held it in for a second, then blew the smoke out. It evaporated, just like my willpower to resist her

>>21652512
>Her legs went on for days. But those days were numbered.

>Tampering with the evidence? That's five years in the slammer. Tampering with my wife? Let's just say I hope you have the right disposition.

>back in the war guys used to worry there was a bullet with their name on it. the victim was the heir to the O'Henry munitions fortune, and he'd been stabbed to death...

You can call me Ishmael. I've been called worse. For fifty bucks a day and expenses, you can call me whatever you want. For fifty bucks a day I've hauled rigging and swabbed decks and shacked up with a tattooed cannibal. For fifty bucks a day I've squeezed sperm and fought sharks and followed a one-legged crazy man half-way around the world.

Just don't call me if it's woman trouble.

>>21652484
>It’s a dog eat dog world Ray, and I’m the fucking Chinaman.

>he'd been murdered, like a group of crows, except it was just one crow, with feathers the colour of gambling debts.

>I had plenty of blood on my hands, but today it was just kidney stones.

>>21651951
That’s correct but Hammett also chose to make it about a married couple and essentially tried to subvert his own genre, if you look at his earlier work, alcoholism is not portrayed well, and the drinking is just as frequent. Hammett wanted to write a comedic spin on crime novels after he finished them and washed his hands, and that is The Thin Man, about a detective who was “saved” by a woman from his nihilistic existence. The drinking is just as profuse because it actually was then but because it’s a comedy that also has to take on significance—it also is not glamorous or sexy here but almost a running gag

>>21652608
I never liked how Nick and Nora were completely dysfunctional dipsomaniacs but it's protrayed like a silly thing.

Lolita, her name was. Or so they tell me. Lolita. A name to roll around in your mouth like a good scotch. It suited her. Eyes deep as a lake at midnight, cleavage like a lottery win and legs that went on for longer than the Wheel of Time.

>>21652590
Very nice. Had a hearty chuckle

>To be or not to be. The question had been rattling around in my skull like ten pounds of bricks. Ever since I'd come across Horacio, my old jester, looking deader than last week's roadkill. See, my mom is a real price of ass, with legs that go from here to nirvana and more sex appeal than good sense. Everybody wanted a piece of her, but if I were to avenge my dead father, I couldn't let that happen.

Now, this isn't the kind of truth they teach you in school, but here's how it is. Any time a fellow manages to get ahead of the curve — I mean, so far ahead his bank manager is actually polite to him, and he has to hire clever guys in yarmulkes to keep from paying Uncle Sam a bigger cut than absolutely necessary — well, that's when it's time to start looking out for the dames.

Me, I've never had this problem. Most of my life I've been rubbing two five-spots together in the hope they'd mate. But if you ever find yourself holding any real dough, you'd better wise up, and fast. Because let me tell you, there's never yet been a millionaire so short and bald and ugly he couldn't find some sweet young thing in a tight skirt to help him solve the problem of what to do with all that money.

>>21652615
In in order to appreciate it, you really have to read through Hammett’s prior bleak depiction of the same thing.

>>21651629
>kitties
why did you use kitties and not kittens

>>21651735
You will not find a book that's written like that from the 40s and 50s. This style of jive talking terse detectives are a parody of Noirs made in the 70s and 80s, and weren't actually present in the period itself, save for a few exceptions. Film Noirs also didn't have moody trumpet/jazz music soundtracks, and generally weren't very moody at all.

It's a fake genre created by critics and art historian decades after the trend actually passed.

>>21651750
Maybe read more than 30 books, bud

This whole board was a clogged toilet and I was the one left holding the plunger. It was a dirty job but someone had to do it. I had to do it. And I wasn't expecting much of a paycheck.

>>21652465
the third first is a bit awkward-sounding

>>21652462
>I was lucky to have him watching my back. Just don't ever turn your back on him
this doesn't make sense

>>21653393
… except for Raymond Chandler, one of writers who pioneered this style.

>>21651629
I'd read that that novel! Write it anon!

Best thread on the frontpage to light now.

>>21651629
>https://voca.ro/18V86juImv5Q

>>21652322
Any Raymond Chandler

>>21654550
based

>>21652136
Kek

>>21652462
Shit

>>21651629
> I never knew her in life. She exists for me through others, in evidence of the ways her death drove them. Working backward, seeking only facts, I reconstructed her as a sad little girl and a whore, at best a could-have-been---a tag that might equally apply to me. I wish I could have granted her an anonymous end, relegated her to a few terse words on a homicide dick's summary report, carbon to the coroner's office, more paperwork to take her to potter's field. The only thing wrong with the wish is that she wouldn't have wanted it that way.

>>21652398
To 'play the ponies' means literally to bet on a horse race. Sometimes those bets go bad (the ponies 'playing' the bettor). Historically, glue was made from rendered animal parts/bones, with horses especially prized due to their size. Past-their-prime race-horses were often sold to glue factories for this reason. Four-leaf clovers are associated with good luck in western folklore, since most clovers have three leaves. So the author is using these metaphors to describe the grim nature of his predicament.

These old detective pulp stories are a lot of fun

>>21653395
I devour books like a woman does carbs. Any cursory comparison will confirm what I said, for example The Big Sleep book versus movie

>>21652416
caspere knew this...

>>21655169
if you're so well read how come the best analogy you can come up with is 'like a woman does carbs'

>>21651629
>If you had told me I'd be spending my weekend busting a blonde bombshell, I would have told you that I stopped seeing escorts ever since the last one asked about the photograph in my drawer. At least when this is all over, I can still say I've never killed a man.

>>21652786
Nice

>>21652530
unironically amazing

>>21653436
fucking kek

>>21655169
Reading /sffg/ does make you well-read

>Her legs uncrossed and dropped her still burning fag in my ash tray. I watched as each seam of her stockings disappeared behind the other until they vanished altogether from my office—much like my appetite. I looked down at the lipstick-stained butt, and tossed it in my mouth. Looks like this was the only supper I was going to get tonight.

>She was a man if I never saw a women, hands like atlas, a weeks worth of three day stuble, if she wasn't missing a pair of mirrors I would've sworn it was a truck. 2 to 5, a tight rope for any gambler, but I wasn't about to dilate my luck with this job

>i was a detective and stuff and it was raining probably. I was like a pizza at a pizza party, a pizza party in black and white where it rains all the time and the DJ is some guy in a trench coat mumbling about rain. I was that disk jockey but jockeying disks was the last thing on my mind. All I could think about was the hecking meme thread on 4channel with that rascal frog.

>>21651750
Thank you for reminding, the long goodbye was very good

>>21656043
lmao

>>21651634
Film is more /lit/ than books are. Books are a limited medium, no mental stimulation. Most readers get bored at some point and watch porn. Movies stimulate the brain and intellect, the sights, sounds, words and pictures can never be approached with a book even with the best author and best imagination of the reader.

>he was a boy
>she was a girl
>can I make it anymore obvious

>>21656227
And yet the best books are better than the best movies.

>>21655842
Good one.

>>21652487
Ew a beretta

>>21652590
>>21652651
>>21652786
very nice anon

>>21651634
Are you a bot?

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XxCZC5dF8D8

>>21655161
Very clever. Thanks.

>>21651629
What's some good media for this feel? I mean mostly games, music, movies and shows since I have already too many books to read but feel free to recommend any since we are on /lit/

>Games
L.A Noire

>Music
50's jazz

>Movies
The Maltese Falcon; Chinatown

>Shows
Perry Mason (HBO reboot); The Big O

Can someone screencap so I can look back on this nice thread

>>21658217
>Books
Classics like Raymond Chandler and Dashiell Hammett are the obvious pick, but personally I prefer James Ellroy's L.A. Quartet. If you liked L.A. Noire, then definitely check this out, it was a major inspiration.
>Games
Max Payne 1 and 2 are literally this, mixed with john woo action movies
Grim Fandango is a comedy, but it's basically a noir set in the afterlife.
>Shows
True Detective Season 2 had a really mixed reception, but I thought it was great and I think people didn't liked it because it was completely different than S1 (which wasn't noir, seasons aren't really connected)
>Movies
Again, classics from 40s and 50s with Humphrey Bogart, adaptations of Chandler and Hammet. Double Indemnity, The Asphalt Jungle and Touch of Evil are all great
Frenchies, as much as I hate them, made some good noir movies in the 50s and 60s, especially Jean Pierre Melville, maybe try watching Le Samourai.
Then you have neo-noir movies like Se7en, that have noir elements but often with some twists, like how Angel Heart is noir+horror or Coen's movies like Fargo and Big Lebowski that are basically parodies of film noir.
The movie I recommend you the most is L.A. Confidential, 1997 adaptation of one of Ellroy's books, it differs from the book, and maybe it's too hollywood-like, but I think it's great nonetheless.

>>21651730
>I think there should be a medium for vouce acted fiction like this put into a video with pretty puctures and soft music
https://artflow.ai/

>>21658217
>Big O
based
>>21658309
>LA confidential
based

>>21658329
I should do more important shit than that but here we are
https://files.catbox.moe/o81pkc.mp4

>>21651629
>>21651629
I love noir so much bros

>>21653436
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I wish Bill Watterson made more Tracer Bullet comics.

>>21659314
In his 10th anniversary book he says they were extremely time consuming to write, so he didn't attempt them often. Alongside being unfamiliar with film noir or detective novels, so they ended up as spoofs on cliches. But he loved the dramatic possibilities of working with more black space.
T. Ripped this right from my 10th anniversary edition

>>21658217
Dick Tracey, China Town, Blade Runner, Brick, Bad Lieutenant (Abel Ferrara one), Who Killed Roger Rabbit, True Detective Season 1, Anamorph (Willem Dafoe),

>>21658309
>Touch of Evil
My Orsen nigga

>>21651629
>>21651648
Had I had a low growling voice like Logan Cunningham I'd be making a living reading this hard-boiled noir shit. But I don't have that voice.
What's even that voice? I have a specific pitch when I read these. Whose voice is it? Who was the OG? Voices in the old says used to be more nasal, you know, that Johnny Dollar sort of tone. Someone must've set that standard for the low, rumbling voices.

>>21659306
>>21659314
I love how effortlessly Watterson pulls off a 10/10 Jack Kirby style just for a gag.

>>21651629
>>21651648
What is this low effort noir slop? A Dick Tracy comic?

>>21653436
Based, but if you are a janny WTF man? Look how we suffer!

>>21653436
I laughed

>>21652322
Do Androids dream of Electric Sheep

>>21660138
Anti-Noir

bump

>>21651634
True. This is much better.

>>21659739
stfu it's awesome

>>21651951
>>21651957
>>21652608
>Thin Man
based
>>21652615
>I never liked how Nick and Nora were completely dysfunctional dipsomaniacs but it's protrayed like a silly thing.
that's the best part
nothing comfier than getting wasted with your millionaire waifu and solving crimes out of boredom while all kind of females hit on you

>>21653938
+1

>>21661928
The guy was a professional naysayer; he was possessed with the need to negate. He said nay to the postman, he said nay his butcher, he even said no to a goose. One time he was caught saying nay to a barn and got mistaken for a veterinarian. The only record of him answering in the affirmative was when Rita Hayworth offered to clean his pipes this one time. Not even he could say no to that one. The only problem was that his response was built on a misunderstanding: it wasn't Rita Hayworth, it was Ricky Hayworth, town plumber. And the pipe ran under his kitchen sink.

bump

bump

>The room was painted red and I was the artist. It sure wasn't the best of times, but things would only get worse.

>>21652484
The last hurrah of pre-2016 meme culture. Caspere knew this

>>21653436
best

>>21658309
Gilda (1946)

>>21652111
top tier

>>21651750
>Noir literary fiction doesn’t exist
Then we should create it. This is one of the most comfy thread we've had in a while.

>>21659461
>Abel Ferrara
ya and King Of New York also

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAe1CJWH_B8
early kubrick

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3aZXe0-44w
the crimson kimono

>>21665201
Kubrick hated this film btw.

>>21665269
intentional fallacy, don't care.

>>21665272
Also I think it sucks too. He was right.

>>21665273
virgil wanted the aenied burned. don't care.

>>21665273
i posted it because it's a noir movie the people asking for movies haven't seen, not because it's some all time masterpiece. no one cares that you read a biography of kubrick or where ever you got your trivia from.

>>21665310
I am bored and I wanted to pick a fight in all honesty. I am upset about other things.

>>21665310
Anyway I am sure it was Fear and Desire that Kubrick was embarrassed by nayways.

>>21665323
is that the one of the lost army dudes who end up taking a raft down a river at the end or whatever? seems like kubrick didn't really get it together until paths of glory. i have no idea about any behind the scenes shit, except i read the book eyes wide shut is based on. i like my artists like pynchon and homer, silent outside the text, which is why i try to not learn about artists lives.

>>21651629
>>21651648
>>21651730
https://voca.ro/1lELN1zLUTza

>>21665377
Checked, but this was way too lazy a read. You sound like you are forcing yourself to sound like you just drank too much whiskey, not like you just did. Good music though

>>21665269
He didnt

>>21665394
My voice isn't exactly great for this and the conditions I'm in are less than desirable. I worked a lot recently, cut me some slack. I mixed it on my phone using some app I found on play store to get the music volume right. Also I don't drink alcohol.

>>21665426
Hey, not saying I'd do any better, at least you tried something. Shits harder than it looks.
https://voca.ro/11suzvQN1APR

>>21652786
I feel like I should get it but I don't

>>21666028
Not much to get. They're famous novel openings. This one is Pride and Prejudice.

>>21652530
Ha!

>>21666274
Ah, I didn't recognize it. I recognized the others though. I guess it's because I've never made it past a few pages of any Austin novel.

>>21658309
>>21658217
Nobody on 4chan seems to know the Mickey Spillane books? It’s more a boomer series I guess but there was also a show with Stacy Keach who also narrates some of the original books (great voice). Mike Hammer (the main character) is a lot more ruthless than most noir heroes.

>>21666674
mike hammer is still ongoing, max collins took over from spillane. the latest one was kino.

>>21652111
>>21665536
Here's my attempt:
https://voca.ro/1gcIJ3uEiIkX

>And besides, the dame had legs to next tuesday, which reminded me that it was trash night. Every night that ended in "y" was trash night in this city, and I was the trashman. The fourth-hand caddy was my truck, the trenchcoat and hat were my uniform, and the morgue was my dump. The nasty smell would never come out, but I figured maybe the dime-store perfume wafting off this broad could take the edge off til morning. "Got a match?" she gagged.

>>21666799
this is the best one so far but i feel its still a little too gritty and lacks the blithe flippant aspect

>I slept like a baby that night, which is to say I woke up every couple hours, screaming. Good thing she'd stayed. Her warm breast soothed me, for a while. That tumble I'd took earlier still smarted worse than a tooth coming in. And something her old man had said left me rattled. "Peek-a-boo, I see you." What had he meant by that? Could he be watching us, even now? But then the dame started taking off my underdrawers and I forgot all about it. It was about time for a change.

>>21666800
Brilliant pic.

>>21653393
I don't know about books but The Maltese Falcon fits noir stereotypes perfectly, is old enough to be black and white not as a stylistic choice, and is played straight. I don't recall a moody soundtrack, however.

>>21655915
>if she wasn't missing a pair of mirrors I would've sworn it was a truck
Kek!

>>21656900
Wonderful gun.

>>21658217
Brick is a movie set in like the early 2000s, starring Jason Gordon-Levitt as the hard boiled detective with the high school principal serving as the ball-busting police chief. It's a gem.

>>21659306
>>21659314
I'm glad someone posted Tracer Bullet.

>>21659378
The little insights into his writing he gives in that collection are a treasure.

>>21666863
Really fucking inventive, I love it.

She was a slippery dame, like a jalopy that has the good sense to tell you where its been by the oil slicks it leaves around the back alleys of town. And I was trying to slide into her tail pipe, but I'm no mechanic.

>>21651629
https://voca.ro/1bdW38lRRNN1

>>21651648
https://voca.ro/15QLPQXM5Anm

>>21652111
https://voca.ro/1gLT4BjFu8tE

>>21652136
https://voca.ro/15XD6hW4rKEG

>>21652299
https://voca.ro/14U7ExWMPHeI


>>21652539
https://voca.ro/14y3oE1i4LyI


>>21652651
https://voca.ro/1NIN3yQgEvqn

>>21652711
https://voca.ro/1dR1CJu8GRNl

>>21653436
https://voca.ro/1eeDzKF8VnuP

>>21656043
https://voca.ro/1lzgwhDgmreL

>>21666863
https://voca.ro/19fK9L4z1tWY


>>21666800
https://voca.ro/1jYhwg22HJHB

>>21652111
this one rocks

>Toots was sweeter than a candy shop; too bad I was diabetic. Although I had a sweet tooth, I had zero tolerance for sweet talk. But sugar babe was buying and I was never one to deny a free shot; booze was the insulin keeping my glucose level on check. The more she talked, the hungrier I got; maybe it was time to take the lady out for a quick midnight snack and perhaps I'd get to snack on those sweet buns of hers as well.

>>21652565
i came back to give this one a you, felt it under-appreciated

I started watching maltese falcon because of this thread, but it's too straight. I want something with this level of metaphor-heavy, over the top noir dialog. Raymond Chandler seems to scratch that itch, but I'm sick and can't focus on books at the moment. Any recs for this specific want, boys?

>>21669890
farewell my lovely

>>21669890
who framed roger rabbit?

>>21669890
https://youtu.be/blppKS-nz9g

>>21669904
Ooh, it's by Raymond. I'll check it out.
>>21669912
I'm actually watching this right now. Thank you.
>>21669987
Kino.

>>21669389
Gem!

I took a sip from my java. Heather said the beans came from some island in the Philippines, just one problem, I haven't a clue where the Philippines were, but Heather had a charm about her. Beautiful and deadly. She'll turn a man's head all around until it snapped. At least most men. The fairy in front of me wouldn't budge for any dame, rather, he was interested in boys. Said he came from Reddit, had a penchant for onions milk, and said my coffee was far too dark. It was in that moment where I realize this case wasn't going to involve any frogs.

>For years the liquor sucked the life of out this city like an entire tub-full of gin through a straw, but then prohibition shattered like a wine glass and suddenly no one's thirsty any more.

>>21652590
based one-legged crazy man appropriator

>>21655842
How did her legs drop the fag?

>>21651634
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detective_fiction

>It was supposed to be a simple job. Post sneed and walk away. Clean as the frozen food aisle on the jannies payday. But there was just one thing I didn't account for... They did for free.

>>21669389
Hilarious, getting some strong Duckman vibes from these.

Is the voice AI? You should do a book like this.

stupid frogposter

>>21669890
The Adventures of Duckman

It's fuck or die, but sometimes you fuck 'til you die.

>>21653719
Chandler doesn’t sound like this, but the writers of radio detectives who were trying to sound like Chandler did.

>>21670618
Chandler invented the hardboiled genre and the noir simile. I doubt you've even read a single work of his because they're full of them

>>21670387
>>21670372
i tried watching an episode (the pilot ep). it was just whacky random bullshit like rocko's modern life. at what point do they turn it into noir?

>>21651629
Based Pulp classic noir thread. Here have some fine old recommendations from the Jazz age:

Raymond Chandler
Dashniell Hammet
Walter Gibson
Will Eisner
Frank Miller
Ian Fleming

Noir Gigachad has blessed your awesome thread, OP.

>>21671454
Hammett had been doing it for half a decade before Chandler and no, he really doesn't sound like this. Chandler has tough detectives who drink and use weird comparisons which led to people parodying those elements but what people are doing in this thread is just a parody of a parody to the point where it has almost nothing to do with Chandler.

If you start reading Marlowe books expecting them to be full of "the dame had legs lasting for days, I was stinking of booze and she was stinking of trouble" you're just going to be disappointed like the guy who watched Maltese Falcon expecting it to be like that because they're not like that.

>>21672058
>I was stinking of booze and she was stinking of trouble
kek good one

>>21651648
LOOK AT HIS LITTLE TRENCH COAT

I really love this style, how can I learn to write like that if I'm a sheltered milquetoast beta?

>>21651648
>>21651629
This reminds me of reading the early Parker books. I think I'll start rereading them after going through VanderMeer's (?) work.

>The world was filling up with people, it seemed to him, who pulled their punches everywhere they went in life. Light beer, decaf coffee, low-sodium seltzer.
>The office women looked at him and shivered. They knew he was a bastard, they his big hands were born to slap with, they knew his face would never break into a smile when he looked at a woman. They knew what he was, they thanked God for their husbands, and still they shivered. Because they knew how he would fall on a woman in the night. Like a tree.
>Parker spent two weeks on the white sand beach at Biloxi, and on a white sandy bitch named Belle.

>>21669389
Based Max Payne.

>>21670372
>Is the voice AI?
I was about to congratulate the man but then I realized that the voice was probably AI. Nothing is real anymore.

>>21672469
The only thing I know is that if you want to write stuff that sounds dramatic you need to read it out loud.

>It was Friday, which meant heaven. Ok, it didn't mean heaven, but it meant something beside inner circles of hell on Thursday and the morning hangover on Saturday.

>>21652786
Good, but the line you lifted from Chandler ruins it.

>>21671867
It focuses on the adventures of a private eye, so every episode is slightly noir-inspired, but the episode Noir Gang is directly a rip off of Hammet

>>21671943
>The phone was ringing. It was the based department. Based on what, I thought to myself, and took a sip of scotch.

>>21653436
This hits

>>21674131

>>21674138
actual janny post

> No one has mentioned Lew Archer
How
Sidenote: Anyone see the new Marlowe movie? Liam Neeson plays an older less interesting version of Marlowe

>>21652322
The Black Dhalia - James Ellroy

>>21674612
wtf i didnt even know about that.
not really chuffed in neeson playing him though

>>21674656
>not really chuffed in neeson playing him though
It was a bad casting choice, I didn't like him in it. It's a 5 to 6/10 movie, just watchable.

>>21674686
ill watch it. it couldnt be worse than the long goodbye

>Guess it's just my luck... the more I sat in the shadows of my office making cigarettes into ash piles, the sooner I would get burned in the dark.

This dame walked in on legs that could kill, and I guess I had a deathwish. Those pillowy white thighs are all that broke her fall when she missed the chair in my office and fell like a sack of custard. I laughed at her from behind my desk as she slipped on her heels more than once, trying to pull herself from up the floor. She gave up on trying to find the chair after the third attempt, dusting off her little dress. I guess she didn't realize every time she fell, I could see her jiggling like eggs benedict being carried to my table by a waiter with parkinsons.
She offered me a fag from a queer brand, but I don't take candy from strangers. Leaning her shoulder on the wall across the window, striped in the light that burned from the blinds, she struck a match in between her calloused palm. She sure did talk but I couldn't listen to a whisper with her tits screaming in my head. The city lit up her face like a moving picture, but I couldn’t see the whole story. From here you could tell she was crying, so luckily she couldn't see my erection from there.
She raised her voice a little and tossed her faggerette in the trash by her ankle before stomping out and slamming the door. The garbage caught fire, but I wasn’t too upset since I forgot to buy trashbags. Can't really make heads or tails of this pony, but she did have a face like a horse.

>The smell of cigarettes lingered on her pencil skirt dress, lipstick stained her teeth. She had been drinking before coming to see me. I didn't pity the crying, I wish I still had it in me to cry. The dame smoked enough to bankrupt me, it wouldn't have taken much. Missing boy lovers and gangster husbands, none of it interested me. If anything I liked being in the presence of someone as broken as me. Yeah I was gonna take the job, what else was I going to do? I had been drinking myself half to death for the last week, maybe this job was going to be my overdue ticket out of this world.

>>21666863
Best in thread

>>21658217
This excerpt from The Band Wagon

The Girl Hunt Ballet
https://youtu.be/T8QmkDzD8Sk

>>21675738
based

>I’m seated in an office surrounded by three ugly mugs in uglier suits. Hard wood behind me. Cold room around me. Cold, hard, world screaming its silent prayers just outside the window. Cold, hard steel just under my vest. I am here. Year of Glad.

>But none of these mugs look too glad to see me.

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEPPfTOAgSs
is the naked lunch movie noir? i think so. i mean get a load of the opening credits?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsEnJrURHG8

blessed thread

>>21677926
>Hard wood behind me.
gay

>They say there's a place for everybody and it looks like I found the trashcan. My only lead was in there, a half chewed hotdog at the bottom. Let's see if I got here before garbage day.

>>21651629
What's the best contemporary detective/noir novel?

I wish all criminals were written this way
fucking hate modern faggot writers who cannot describe boring shit in interesting ways

i..is there any femboy noir?

>>21679751
I've heard good things about "Night Dogs" by Kent Anderson, from 1996

>>21680840
>my feminine penis strained against grey slacks, like an over-eager greyhound at the racecourse gates.
>the dog I bet on last night was not so eager, and I sold my boypussy like hotcakes to square things with my bookie....

>>21680998
HOLY KEK

>>21680840
> The cum dropped against my face like a white collar accelerating towards an indifferent concrete pavement after learning that the stock crash will leave him and his entire family penniless. It was ugly, but it will be the salty, joghurt-like breadcrumbs that will lead me to the end of it.
> "Does... anyone else in your circle practice this?"
> "Yeah, dude, i know a pussy that pounds a bussy, what gives?"
> "None of them look like they seek vaginal collision. I do not judge them for turning left on the junction: I sometimes turn the back gear, too." I said, licking the traces off the trail.
> "Ah, i see, man."

>>21680774
>modern faggot writers who cannot describe boring shit in interesting ways
why would you want to read modern shit anyway? you know its going to be watered down 'sensitive' content that doesnt offend anyone and makes the guy dumb and weak and the woman strong and smart.
I'd much rather read about the boys bopping heads together down in NIGGERTOWN

>>21666863
worth a (You)

Posting in the best thread of the weé

> Can't believe I've managed to fell for it. Three shots in the dark, 50 mm: vodka sharpened with some herbal junk I would not even dare to search in the local library. They went through my liver like stray bullets from a Chechen sniper. Vladimir shall pay — not that he has enough money, but the beer crate he had in his living room will great on the local garage meeting. Vasilii Ivanovich is going to attend: no chance for him to slip away out of the two-liter bottleneck.

> Can't believe I've managed to fell for it. Three shots in the dark, 50 mm: vodka sharpened with some herbal junk I would not even dare to search for in the local library. They went through my liver like stray bullets from a Chechen sniper. Vladimir shall pay — not that he has enough money, but the beer crate he had in his living room will go great on the local garage meeting. Vasilii Ivanovich is going to attend: no chance for him to slip out of the two-liter bottleneck.

>>21681290
>He deleted his post and made it again but he didn't even fix the first line. The anon was like a dog burying his face in shit--no matter how many times you slapped his nose, he never learned.

>>21666863
kek
brilliant

>I woke up on the tracks. Took me a minute to realize the freight train wasn’t just in my head. By the time I’d worked myself free it clicked in my head like a revolver with one bullet left. The sun was already cutting through the morning haze as I staggered between buildings, the urban sprawl welcoming me back like a cheap hooker. It was a bad day and it was about to get worse, but if they wanted to ruin my sleep I sure as the devil could ruin theirs.

>>21652565
That's brilliant

>She was the kind of dame who could make even a saint consider sinning. Her curves were dangerous, her lips like poison. But I couldn't resist her pull.

>She walked into my office like a storm cloud, dripping with secrets and a million-dollar smile. She had a case for me, one that seemed too good to be true. And it was.

>>21653436
Based

Kino thread
wish I could write

>>21658217
>Games
Call of Cthulhu Dark Corners of the Earth

>>21652530
kek

>>21671867
Cornfed, his partner and deuteragonist of the show, is a parody of joe friday. he has the same low deep monotonous voice as most noir protagonists. Duckman is great satire. it covers some pretty sensitive issues hilariously and jason alexander carries over his fast talking ease at being an asshole from seinfeld.

>the other one looked like an accountant who'd gotten drunk and decided to fight somebody

>>21652136
>the city was alive that night, like a dead man before he died
LMAO

>In the speakeasy, the booze flowed as freely as the lies. I stepped through the door and was immediately hit by the stench of stale smoke and cheap perfume. A woman with legs for days sauntered past me, giving me a look that made it clear I wasn't welcome. But I had a job to do, and I wasn't leaving until I got what I came for. I made my way to the bar, keeping my eyes peeled for anyone who might try to stop me. The bartender was a burly man with a scar on his cheek, and he looked at me like I was trouble. I didn't blame him. In this joint, trouble was as common as the gin.

>>21651634
This is a radio drama.

>>21656346
Nah

>I'd never seen a dame like this before and I've seen them all. I don't know what time it was when she entered my office but the shadow on her face told me that it was at least 5. Even beneath the cloche you could tell the hairline had bet it all and lost. Real dolled up though. Paint on her face was so thick it probably came with a red nose. Thighs like Hercules. A face only a mother could love. Usually I could tell right away whether they'd hang around but this one was definitely 50/50.

>I wrapped myself in smoke. To avoid the piercing gaze of the old man's eyes, perhaps. He looked like he climbed straight out of the old Mathom House in Michel Delving, cobwebs and all. I wished him a good morning, but that didn't sit well with the fella. Whatever he wanted, I knew it was trouble.

>Frankie Bones was a two-bit hustler, the kind of two-bit hustler you wanted to call one-bit or three-bit to further denigrate, but couldn't because you don't know whether bits are good or bad in the context
>for the price of a five dollar beer I bought all the information I needed from him, about the case and about old names for coins - "I'll see you around you one-bit slimeball!"

>>21656294
>He was a skater boy, she said "see you later boy"... he wasn't good enough for her

>>21684807
>hard boiled voice but the Shire theme is still playing

> I stopped at a cheap motel in Noir Leans. Perfect place to lay low while the case unfolds right before my eyes: several perpetrators are said to visit this spot often. I went for some whiskey and decided to look at the place again from a window just to be sure it's the right location. There it stood. A seven-foot-long perfectly rectangular slab made of black granite, pants eating dust, whacking his meat like a psychotic farmer. Looking at me dead in the eye. When we stared at each other, fountain came out like pus from a necrotic wound. I was found out.

>>21656294
>>21684921
lol

if you think this thread is humorous you must watch Steve Martin's noir spoof 'Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xXZ_ucbp4KM

Some really good ones in here, nice. Best I could do on short notice:
>First they came for my money, told me fair is fair. Then they came for my wife, called it insurance. After all said and done, there was just me.
>You'd take me for a fool, but what was I to do? So there I was. Smoke-soiled three piece suit, two dimes to my name, one appointment with the Devil.

>>21651629
>A stink clings to this city, and it ain't the type that washes out at the dry cleaner's. It's the taint of corruption drifting down from on high, billowing out from the office windows of fancy marble buildings. Police commish Donovan O'Donolloy, that dirty rat, yeah he acts all mighty, but he'll sell you out to the Carbonara crime family for a fistful of lincolns. Mayor Alastair MacScottsman ain't winning no free and fair elections lately lemme tell you that.

No, it's something more than your average stink, it's spiritual. They're all in on it, slanging that rot gut to tired workingmen until they go blind.

An old gumshoe like me knows what's up. I can feel the target burning on my back like a hot iron brand seared into me by the dangerous stares of not so friendly looking strangers. Won't be long until the ole' nickel plated 1911 convincers come shining out of overcoats. You can bet I keep my hand on mine, gripped tighter than my highschool dame's waist at promenade.

>>21666863
>I was already nursing my third bottle and it wasn't even noon yet. The boys in blue thought I was making a big fuss about nothing. Now, I'll admit that I'm a bit soft in the head, but I wasn't born yesterday. Somebody wanted me off the case. And somebody else wanted me to go rock-a-bye-bye, baby. And that could only mean they thought I might talk.

>>21651629
why is this still here? i've been looking at this stupid frog for over a week. die.

>>21688226
>Smoke-soiled three piece suit, two dimes to my name, one appointment with the Devil.
noice

>>21688746
>the frog had stuck around for a week, like a six-pack of beer in a happy man's fridge
>nursing my seventh beer that morning I fumbled in the desk for my frog hammer...

>>21688746
It's a good thread

>>21688746
>it seemed like an open and shut case
>the local loon had been telling anyone who'd listen, and plenty who wouldn't, about how he wanted to kill the frog
>a week's worth of motive and premature confession - or a moment's glance at a crime scene ever so slightly off kilter?
>when another frog turned up dead on Tuesday, I knew I had to hop to it...

>>21653393
>You will not find a book that's written like that from the 40s and 50s
Bro fucking open a book. Read a book, I beg of you.
t. mystery enthusiast

>>21669890
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cro776gzXgI

>Caroline. I couldn't make heads or tails of her. Even from behind I could tell she had a pair of legs and some feet to match, which is pretty gosh darned unusual for a boat.

>>21675065
>The city lit up her face like a moving picture, but I couldn’t see the whole story.
I don't know if this is genius or I'm just sleep-deprived.

>>21688746
>The anon snarled like a greased pig without a hillbilly to ride it. He'd been looking at that stupid frog for over a week but couldn't figure what to do with it. The anon had a sense of humor like an ice cube: if you tried to grasp it, it melted. But enough was too much. He was up against the wall now, no way out. There was only one thing that could separate him from the frog now: death. Murder was on the menu, and the restaurant was French.

>I gave that snitch the kiss off alright. Bumped em right off the map. Two plugs to the melon with my gentle persuader , quick and clean, while he dined with some high class champagner whore .

>I'm no saint and I ain't pretty neither. But hey, my line of work ain't good for the soul but it pays. My wallet needs salvation more than I do.

>What can I say? Going hungry ain't my style. I'm not one to wait in line like a sad sop at a soup kitchen for some watered down gruel . Give a man a choice and of course he's gonna do what makes em the most green. Call me the gardener. I make my own luck with the help of my trusty old bean shooter.

> Don Focaccia is a hard man to please but even he grinned when I told him the news that his old rival got a Chicago overcoat for Christmas. Told em it fit like a charm.

>Some day it'll be me on the wrong side of the barrel. That's the game I chose to play. And if it's lights out, it's lights out. Life's a gamble. You win some and you lose some. Better luck next time I always say.

tfw I'm a private investigator

>I walked into that grimy speakeasy with a thirst to kill and some scratch to burn and wet from the rain. You'd need a machete to cut through the cigarette smoke . The whole shady cast of characters was in attendance, sticking out through the murk like statues in a foggy graveyard. Fat Ass Moreno yabbered away as usual to some bored looking broad. I could hear all the stupid shit he was saying from all the way from the coat checkin. Stinky Pat Goggins was busy getting involved with a rapid fire round of whiskeys shots, his face so red with alcoholism it practically glowed in the dark. Then there was Henry Sharkface, skulking in the corner as usual. He always sat there alone, his back to the wall to keep him from getting whacked from behind, eyes facing the entrance so he can catch em first.

>Through it all though Betty Lou Higgins shined like a beacon up on the stage. Damn what a broad. Her dress glittered like I'd imagine angels would, catching the few bits of light in the room and sending them all back out which made it look like she was the source of it. She crooned mournfully, singing a song of the man who wasn't there , her hair glossy like some kind of pure bread mare's tail or something.

>I stood there as if I was admiring a work of art, the yearning in my soul was more than booze could fix.If she is a diamond, I'm a hunk of lead.

>>21690895
Nicely done anon. It got me enthralled

>>21653436
jej

>I'm a fuckin sad piece of shit. I sit around at the bar all day drinkin' and moping about how grey and mysterious everything is. All day I got this inner monologue in my head in my crude accent ruminating on how cunning and untrustworthy everyone around me is. My life's like one flat sax solo, played by a musician with dry lips. And he's about to get booed off the stage.

What books should I read if I want to write like this?

fuck my voice isn't deep enough to read these

>>21651629
>at the back of that dive under a fog of thick tobacco smoke I saw the man that had cost me a fortnight and two bottles of whiskey. He was sitting with a young blonde, the type of dame who had everything that was supposed to go to her head go to her chest, and an older gentleman with a long white scare across his left cheek and grey slicked back hair like a sewer rat. Just when I was about to go put an end to this 2 week headache, a tall brunette with a fox wrapped around her neck sat down beside me and asked if she could buy me a drink. When I looked back at my man he had vanished like a puff of smoke in broad daylight. I reached in my pocket and put a crumpled 5 on the bar top and got up to leave. The broad sitting next to shot me a disappointed glance but I kept walking, if I’d wanted to play with a pussy cat I would’ve went to the pet store.

>>21691183
youre better off not posting at all than this lazy 'meta' trash. you're doing the same thing you criticize rick & morty for

>>21653436
XD

>>21688746
>It'd had been more than a week. Several threads had went cold but not this one. None of them led anywhere and this one would be no different; it refused to go however. When would it go? No one knew. But it would go cold as well; they always do. It was the kitty's yarn ball and it would inevitably unravel; there's always an end to the thread.

>>21652498

>>21665019
>The canvas was painted in God knows how many colors. I tried to make something of it but some riddles aren't meant to be solved. I turned around and rushed to stop him as Jackson Pollock picked up another brush.

Bumping this gem

>>21675065
unironically genius

The air stunk of reefer, but I wasn't interested in that. I was interested in the 6 jugs of hooch in front of me that Danny Boy brought in from the local dive.

"Xxx" written on the front. I had seen this before, but where? All over this rotten city I have found bathtub hooch but why all of a sudden "xxx" shows its face again?

>>21651730
You just re-invented visual novels. Though those always have shitty prose and the voice acting's in Japanese

Whole damn town's holdin it's breath like a bunch of school yard kids passin the cemetary. The back alleys murmur like a heart slapped in the flak. They're waiting for a nobody to trip on that inconvenient sword. Unfortunate. With a dame like that around, I've got two left feet.

>The sun had just set over the city, casting long shadows across the pavement as I stepped out of my car and onto the street. I pulled my fedora down low over my eyes and adjusted my tie, then took a long drag on my cigarette. It was going to be another long night.

>I'd been hired to find a missing person, a wealthy businessman who had disappeared without a trace. His wife was worried sick, but I wasn't so sure it was as simple as a routine missing person case. There was something dark and dangerous lurking just beneath the surface, and I could feel it in my bones.

>I started walking down the street, keeping to the shadows and scanning the faces of the people passing by. The air was thick with the scent of gasoline and cigarette smoke, and the distant sound of sirens filled the air. This was my city, and I knew its every secret.

>As I turned the corner, I saw a figure lurking in the shadows. I couldn't make out his face, but I knew he was trouble. I reached for the gun in my shoulder holster and stepped forward, ready for whatever came next.

>As I gazed upon my mothers golden brown tendies, I couldn´t help but find myself overwhelmed by a lingering feeling of autism. My Aspergers mind going places where normies dare not tread. As the tendies turned cold, so did my demeanor towards this once loving dame I had the misfortune to call mother.

>>21694773
its

>>21652322
The movie Sin city

>>21665318
One of the more honest posters. I appreciate this.

>>21666863
jej

>>21658217
>music
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X2cEtEebGPo&list=PLAkWTMqRz-e-HlU61r6NBG0YMXQjRexS0

/co/ here
Anyone want classic noir shit, can't go wrong with Torpedo

>>21658217
moar muzak:
https://youtu.be/iji7QUI46eE
https://youtu.be/Obm4iuZwyxE
https://youtu.be/pkw2kcQ5Lzs
https://youtu.be/E7cQDcP1gJU
https://youtu.be/VjB_XOP91Qg
https://youtu.be/7zFY6bgGvxU
https://youtu.be/ufigwTdyOCA

>>21655166
Top right is me shitting a small child
Why the fuck is that on this cover?

>>21651629
you know what's crazy is this is literally me right now. my hat is a little less gay but i've got a coat on, cigarette in my mouth, in a seedy office in an undisclosed manhattan location, thinking about these damn broads

> "I had been driving for a while when I realized I wouldn't be able to shake the little shit. I could sense his head peeking out behind me, even when I couldn't see him. I took a hard turn to the left, but the feeling of pressure at the bottom of my stomach just deepened. Darn, this one was gonna leave a mark. "

>>21691684
Just pretend to be Leslie Nielsen and it'll all work out

>>21694968
>The streetlights filtered into my office through the blinds, coating the room in alternating bars of burnt orange and cool, comfortable blue. I'd been out of the joint for years, but every time I see those bars of light splayed out across the grimy, smoke-stained stucco, it's like I'm back in the slammer-- waiting for the knife in my back.
>Suddenly, there it was, a flash of red in the corner and the glint of a gun barrel. The dame Bucco stepped out of the shadows, her piece nearly as deadly as her legs. If even she wanted me dead-- I knew I was making progress.
>"The family says your time is up, gumshoe. It's a shame, too. You and I could have been something... but I couldn't resist the chance to put an arrogant American in his place. Say goodnight, amor."
>An honest woman. Now I'd seen everything.

Such a great thread

>>21651629
this thread simply refuses to die

>>21696451
Los Angeles is the noir city. But Manhattan is a very close second. It's a coastal elite genre for sure.

>>21652786
>I've been rubbing two five-spots together in the hope they'd mate

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.....

>>21699474
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

>>21699478
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

>>21699478
>>21699481
criticisms of anarchy are always descriptions of the status quo. but let’s not derail a legendary thread. All I got right now:
>I tried to drown my sorrows in a glass of whiskey, but the bastards learned to swim.

The way you know it's good or not is to narrate it in the style of Max Payne, music and voiceovers.

>>21656227
>book
Madam Buttfart furrowed her brow at the remark. Disgust washed over her. How dare Prince Bellingham make sake an accusation.
>movie
*actress attempts to look shocked*

>The muted roar of the lion watching over the veld woke me, and I reached under the cot for the pack of cigarettes and found one and lit it. I fell back on the cot and stared beyond the open tent flap, and listened to the lion until the sky blanched.
>When I couldn't listen any longer, I slipped into my dungarees and eased through the tent past Taylor and Hazlett. I poked up the embers, started the Primus, filled the coffee pot and splashed cold water over my face. Then I sat on the fender of the gray pickup truck and remembered.

Tried to get an AI to generate a text about a detective who's actually a horse in disguise and only takes oat-related cases. this is the best result it got (most results were just junk paraphrasing the prompt or bringing the story to an end in one paragraph. sadly, they all failed to put the requested large amount of metaphors):
I was sitting in my dingy office, nursing a whisky and trying to forget the sickening smell of blood and death that always seemed to linger, when the door creaked open. I groaned inwardly, wondering who the hell it could be this time. I was just about to tell the intruder to fuck off when I saw it was him. The one guy I actually didn't mind seeing.

He was a tall, muscular man with a rough face that had seen more than its fair share of brawls. He was wearing a battered old coat and a hat that was pulled down low over his eyes. He looked like he'd been on a bender for days. But there was something about him, something that made me sit up and take notice.

He was a hard man, a drunkard and a detective, but he was the best damn detective I'd ever met. And I knew that, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't turn him away.

'I need your help, horse-man,' he said, slumping into the chair opposite me.

'What's the case?' I asked, already reaching for my coat.

'Oat-related,' he replied.

I groaned. Of course it was.

>>21700499
Buddy that is an ancient /b/ pasta retooled for noir

>>21700499
um. its a satire of libertarianism.
I thought you guys were supposed to be intelligent

>>21701314
>>21701346
I know. Either noirpost or stfu

>>21675065
https://voca.ro/1dmG0NCM0fe4

>>21690322
https://voca.ro/13hieBXeA9tm

>>21701284
https://voca.ro/1eZc6xXo1Xjc

>>21693467
https://voca.ro/1h0IDHH3ktuM

>>21689123
https://voca.ro/15B1NXTwZIEa

>>21651629
>Some times the rat eats the cheese, some times the cheese escapes alive. They say a rodent can't recognise a trap even when it's about to snap its neck but it seems this little hamster has ran on the wheel her whole life. There's bad luck coming her way. I'm the cat and I'll be taking my prey
>>21652111
Masterpiece

>>21699474
>>21699478
>>21699481
why did you ctrl+v an article from the New Yorker?

>>21699481
>I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
audibly zozzl'd

>>21701284
seems comprehensible at first but actually makes no sense

Replying so this threads hits limit.

Lol lmao