/lit/ - Literature

https://pastebin.com/3HQZPwzn
I'm reposting the first chapter from something I most likely won't finish. Didn't write anything for some time, actually first attempt at writing in english. Be hard on me and my writing.

>>21637452
>thread theme
OP is a faggot

>look at A.I generated art
>Tons of stylish smut
>Some of these things would make for amazing book covers if they just covered up

>>21637487
You change tense literally between the first and second sentence and then right back again. You keep doing this thing with descriptions of incomplete sentences like you think youre cormac mcarthy but it just makes things more difficult. I'm nearly a paragraph (a long ass dosto wall of text paragraph) in and it's just him hanging on a wall. Nothing has even happened yet. Holy shit you use all this overly descriptive purple prose about his personal perception of the world and then when it comes to how long has passed you just say 'minutes' what the actual fuck am I reading.
>The comprehension of such large open spaces was new for the young man.
This sounds like linguistic autism. Do you actually know what beauty looks like? Or are you like the kids that draw anime without knowing the fundamentals of what a real face looks like? Oh my god and it just keeps going. Did you read/edit this after you wrote it? Does your brain not signal off 'wow this sounds kinda weird, maybe I should rework it to be more fluid' or do you just struggle with depicting something and give up after the first round is done?


I'm not going to finish this. 538 words to say A guy climbs shit. Lays down. Grabs a tree.

Is that hard enough on you?

https://www.wattpad.com/story/334072225?utm_source=android&utm_medium=link&utm_content=story_info&wp_page=story_details_button&wp_uname=Achilles2403&wp_originator=I0BNXAddxQBR5Lz3%2Bdi7sIU6z174cwKJ9CYYcHWSl3yPHXu4vnXMGsHHQtlhJ%2FRR7UtDybfh4SgWHavJkbMsLijXqvvexT9lPuLBDEI0POTC8eEOkUUoadyG4Rx933jl

>>21637750
kek

>>21637452
A heart so full of love and yearning,
For a girl I've yet to meet,
Her smile a mere imagining,
Her laughter but a fleeting beat.

I know not where she roams,
Or what her voice might sound like,
But in my dreams, she calls to me,
A siren in the night.

And so, I weave a tale of us,
Of laughter and of love,
Of walking hand in hand beneath
The stars up above.

For I am but a simple man,
With nothing more to give,
Than this love I hold inside,
This heart I long to live.

And though I know it may be foolish,
This love that I have spun,
I'll follow it to where it leads,
This dream I'll cling upon.

For in my mind, she's shining bright,
A star amidst the night,
And I will find her if I must,
And make her mine, so right.

So let the world call me deluded,
Let them say what they may,
For I'll chase this love across the skies,
And find her come what may.

>>21638132
Hooves stomp
Hearts beat
Heaven sings
But
Words convey

Does “damn it” make any sense in a society where hell isn’t a concept?

>>21638208
it makes sense if the reader understands it

>POV character is on drugs. Yeah, it's not perfect, but please be specific in line changes that you think would improve it without changing the actual content of what is literally happening
[...]
Clyde blinked. He could feel the wind blowing against his chest. Wind whistled through mask metal meshed. The train beneath his feet rumbled, passing on its irritated might through board to boot to thigh and higher still. The magnets of his board clamped to nose and steel, holding him tight, him a criminal despite. The mask had pricked, and something in his thoughts ran clipped.

The earth below fell away. Mis mind soared with the day in stormy play. Glitter path and littler death. Fifteen had become ten and would become one fifth. His gaze fixed upon the beacon red, his path from now to Dixie dead. Clyde stood upon the train, in defiance of gravity and electric rain.

Before him the city stood on tilt. From the firmament they rose, those fractal fingers of metal foes. Life uncaring, rules unwavering. A living crypt of concrete and glass, lined with plastic flowers never to wilt.

He knew his mind ran askew. The slowing of the train–for people to escape to sheltered stop–meant nothing to him more than a shift and a flip. He fell through air and landed on electric field, invisible to eye and hand yet he knew it would be there. Gone was his fear, the hammering of his heart but a phantom jeer. His body danced through twist and turn, sailing through the city ‘till Dixie came into view.

73-Year-Old Arizona Rancher Held On $1 Million Bond For Killing Illegal Alien On Property:
https://www.nogalesinternational.com/news/kino-springs-man-accused-of-first-degree-murder/article_ebbc1504-a18f-11ed-b851-271a64980b3c.html
And...he's a self-published author.
https://www.amazon.com//dp/B00DZDRXKY
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DWCJCXY

i like shel silverstein and im tired of pretending otherwise

A clown with shoes that were over the top,
Wore them to circus, he'd never stop,
With each silly stride,
People laughed far and wide,
Those shoes, a hit, never made him flop.

hows that for a quick limerick? does the punchline land with "shoes" and "flop" at the end, like flip flops?

>>21638503
He's fucked. Any crazy shit in that book will be used against him. Reminds me of the woman who wrote a mystery book 'how to murder your husband' who then murdered her husband.

How do I give automatic guns a heroic narrative weight to balance out the fact they're generally outright better than single shot guns?

>>21638646
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14WE3A0PwVs
>that dont mean nothin', i got a vivid imagination...

>>21638646
Ah yes, good old Nancy Crampton Brophy.
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-61786575

>>21638652
Better?
Automatic guns are generally used for suppressing fire, not killing.
Do you know *anything* about military tactics?

Hypothetically: your writing goes big and you create a renowned series of fiction that leads to movies, shows, and other assorted media. In your twilight years, do you declare it free use for all the public, or do you take the Tolkien gamble and hope you don't end up rolling in your grave as your retarded descendants carve it up for money?

>>21638704
And that's lame.
>Military tactics
Who cares about that in an action hero context? Did you seriously think I didn't know that? This is meta, stop worrying about crap like realism.

>>21638713
It would be public domain before that, as the Founding Fathers intended.

>>21638704
they're used for carving your gang's name into the wall of a bank, retard. takes forever with semis

>>21638713
I would try and delay it, this is my creation, not theirs. Filthy roaches.

>>21638704
Irony thy name is (You)

>>21638724
It's lifetime + 75 years, as Disney intended.

>>21638735
Delay your death or delay the passing of some sort of estate after your death?

>>21638724
How would you have made money from it, then?

>>21638716
You're not much better than him repeating /k/ memes anon, more bullets are always better

>>21638757
I would have made money from it over about 20 years, of course.

>>21637667
>Is that hard enough on you?
Yeah, good.
>This sounds like linguistic autism.
I don't see it. Why? I spent quite a bit of time on figuring this particular sentence.

>>21638652
spray n' pray vs le steath assassin bolt action sniper man

Recommendations of books with a real economy where the mc struggles with money? Or handles it often?
My story has a large monetary aspect, and I'll need to incoporate a full economical system and price tag everything, realistically, WITHOUT MAKING IT BORING.
The Name of the Wind, for example, is really good with this (at least). I could clearly feel Kvothe's struggle for money, how essential it was for everything, and how happy I got whenever he managed to gain more (not to mention I was able to keep track of how much he had at all times). And it was so interesting!

>>21638911
jack reacher comes into money occasionally and either disregards it or uses it for an immediate purpose. he has a steady retirement check come in through a wire, lives in motels and on the road, doesnt carry any luggage 'cause he doesnt need it

Would you guys like to beta read my Adah story?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1C3kQNF8HGetgpj762ArIn8jdEXOxegQqcNGEG3nOOW4/edit?usp=sharing

>>21638911
The Grapes of Wrath is about hand to mouth farmers suffering the effects of the dustbowl, they head to california only to find it was pretty shit there too.

What would be a better setting with a story about an assassin/serial killer that questions a benevolent God?

>Cyberpunk
>Historical fiction in the Mediterranean in the 1500's? 50 years after the fall of Constinople?

>>21638979
2

I'm curious: Are there people ITT who have never actually written anything and just come here to critique?
Sometimes I wonder since the critique often lacks a shred of empathy or understanding.

>>21639005
I pretty much only do technical writing, in accordance with astm e1527-21

>>21639005
I've been seeing more listicle mommy blog tier crits lately. Never saw that shit when I browsed a lot last year
Wonder if there was a zoomer cultural shift or something

>>21639005
We don't read or write

>my chapter post last thread got deleted
Real weird of you jannies

https://pastebin.com/u5e5n6gN

>>21639005
>the critique often lacks a shred of empathy or understanding.
Anything written online will sound harsher than in real life, especially if it's critical. You just have to shrug it off.

>>21639032
You do a lot of tell.
>It was as hot as a jungle inside. Beads of water condensed on the sandstone walls then dripped down to shallow puddles on the floor.
You can just write
>Astereo wiped the sweat from his forehead. A wide brimmed hat and rubber gloves added to the humidity.

>Among the thriving greenery, vivid flowers bloomed out of season. Sinister looking brambles swayed back and forth, despite the lack of any wind, and flexed their thorny vines.
Who gives a flying fuck. I want to know about astero

>The herbologist worked in a meditative silence. Here he had the necessary peace to read, research, conduct experiments, record his findings, and—when his mind grew tired from study—to labor in the soil like a common gardener.
Need more show.

>>21638979
1.

>>21639011
>listicle mommy blog tier crits
lol examples?

>>21638979
have both and just call it killers faith

>>21639061
>Cyberpunk Istanbul
Good fucking luck. What the fuck would the Haga Sophia even look like?

>>21639050
The original line is way better than your rewrite
Agree with you on the bramble passage, pretty ass
Disagree on the final line. Nothing needs to be shown here. Too married to the dichotomous show/tell. What it needs is a stronger sense of atmosphere. The sentence structure is fun but the content is uninteresting

That being said what you've shown has convinced me to not read anons piece

>>21639032
I like this, very fun. Not exactly a book I would buy, but I can definitely see people liking this. Keep it up. The other anon said you do a lot of showing, I kind of agree, but I don't think it matters too much, especially if it's just description of the area and not character related things.

>>21639067
lol it was a reference to assassins creed, which sounds a lot like what anon was trying to do (except with just one setting)

>>21639069
>Awstero tended to the plants in his greenhouse, a building unique in the city of Gargléon due both its strange design and the exotic specimens that grew within. Sunlight filtered through an overcast sky and penetrated the building’s glass roof. It was as hot as a jungle inside. Beads of water condensed on the sandstone walls then dripped down to shallow puddles on the floor. Among the thriving greenery, vivid flowers bloomed out of season. Sinister looking brambles swayed back and forth, despite the lack of any wind, and flexed their thorny vines.

That's his original paragraph. I just ignored the first part which I thought was fine.

>>21639082
>Be anon asking about setting
>Ass creed
God fucking damnit. Futuristic Cyberpunk it is.

>>21639005
What I find horrible about critiques here is that they tend to be skin deep if anything else.

I can keep or throw away the subjective stuff like "I think you should describe x more" but when the only thing you get is a critique of the first paragraph it can be kinda worthless to post anything longer then that

>>21639086
It's hard to be dedicated. Seriously who has the time or the desire to beta read this anons shit. It's 90k words!
>>21638923

>>21638208
no

>>21639091
I'll only crit chapters and flashes, and only if the chapters are 5k~ words
Shit takes effort, and I'm not investing my time into some random shitty story, even if I feel comaradarie with you retards

>>21639098
Exactly. Hence why I only bother with small excerpts here and there. Full blown manuscripts, he's on his own.

>>21639050
>Who gives a flying fuck. I want to know about astero
It's to hint they are magically animated plants.
>>21639050
>>21639079
I admit I'm often confused about what gets labeled telling and showing.

>>21639152
So are most people who use the terms
The takeaway would probably be that you use a lot of description, and in such a way that weakens the experience of the peace and leads low level readers to want to say show/tell shit
If that's the case, cut description, or refactor your rescription to do something more interesting

>>21639152
The only time I can ever be truly sure of the "show don't tell" is with characters.
>He cried.
>He was sad.
Obviously these are really simple examples but crying is an action, and we can infer he is sad. So it is better than simply saying he is sad because it gives us more information than simply the emotional state.
As far as description goes it honestly doesn't really matter. Sometimes the description is too much and slows pacing, other times it builds atmosphere and helps build the story. You just gotta find a happy medium.

>>21639091
In a way that anon has the right idea posting the entire thing. It filters out anyone unwilling to put effort into the crit, and if they aren't putting any effort into the crit it's worthless.

>>21637452
Hey guys, I want you to suck my dick and tell me my writing is great, but without me having proofread nor edited properly, while I don’t follow basic rules of writing. Is this the right place to post?

>>21637452
>Friend says my writing is "anime-ish"
What did he mean by this?

>>21639570
It is. I don't like the pretentious "you didn't edit" shit. Man, do I need to be a fucking editor first?

>>21639570
>>21639609
Based
Next thing these retarded pseuds will try to tell you is to read a book
Fucking idiots. I'm here to WRITE not READ

>>21639606
exaggerated character interactions or use of super powers

>>21638757
>Delay your death or delay the passing of some sort of estate after your death?
My spite for others will keep me alive long after Earth itself grows cold and barren. But, yeah, the estate changing hands, delayed.

>>21638911
cuck

I made 5 sales on my Chinaman story!!! Thanks guys! I'm moving on up!

>>21640264
>A years worth of work and only 5 sales
I don't think this semen slurping hobby is for me

I'm struggling to describe a character. The story uses an atypical way of introducing characters, which starts with their worst traits before proving a vignette. This one woman is an appeaser at all costs. Lies and agrees to appease. I don't want to say an ass kisser, because they're also beyond stubborn if they don't get their way. Imagine they will be stand offish if theres no stakes, but as soon as stakes are introduced, or they have something to lose, they immediately act to protect it by any appeasement necessary.

Imagine a cold introduction in the style of neo-western.

>>21640660
You realize most hobbies get you 0 sales because it's a hobby and not a job?
Imagine a swimmer quitting swimming because he never made a dime off it
Learn to do shit for the sake of doing it and your own enjoyment

>>21637487
This is a small ass chapter, it's 4 pages double-spaced. Is this a shitpost?
Dude, this is so bad, and you seem retarded. I'll help, I guess, but I should be doing my own writing and uni work.
Actually, I'm only doing the first paragraph.
https://ufile.io/5gdzhw3g

>>21640716
>download this .odt file
very sussy friend

>>21639005
I enjoy writing, I don't enjoy reading.

>>21640721
You don't use Libre Office? You sound like a micro/mac toddler.

>>21640738
you sound like a shit poor person, maybe you shouldn't be giving out critiques?

>>21640695
"Don't turn your back to that woman after you spend a minute near her. Her gentle smile hides a row of venomous teeth. I had a misfortune witnessing what she does to her darling little friends. And you think you can just be an honest man, do no wrong, don't cross the line? Then no slick lady can use you as a dummy in her ploy or keep you as her spare sacrificial goat? Well, think again, kid. If that woman has her way with you, she will have her way with the sheriff, with the jailor and with your own damn noose."

>>21640738
>use Libre Office?
Lol no
Editor 4 lyfe

>>21640739
On the contrary, since I don't buy products that are built to break, I hardly spend money and can save a lot :) Go buy another frappalappalatte
>>21640754
based software.

>>21640716
I asked for critique, not for fucking bullying. If you continue I'll just call my writing post-modern.
I want to know what's wrong with it and why I can't see the difference between what I have posted and your file.

>>21640812
Post his critique in a bin so I can see how retarded he is

>>21640812
You have poor writing style and can't illustrate scenes for readers.

>>21640812
>>21637487
My first piece of critique is that you keep slipping between past and present tense. Now you might be able to get away with explaining it as some post-modern stylistic choice about pissing in the face of the established rules of literature or whatever in Cormac McCarthy fashion, but it will probably be better for you to just stick with past tense.

if you can't afford Microsoft word you shouldn't be writing
sorry, not sorry

>>21640832
>Not using Scrivener to draft and Word to edit and finalize.

>>21640826
He didn't do any!

>>21640832
It isn't about affording MO, it's about not supporting microsoft

>>21640836

>>21640829
That's all right. I'll meditate on it and search for the true meaning of the past tense.
>>21640827
What are the signs of my poor writing style? And what do you mean "can't illustrate scenes"? How do you even illustrate scenes if describing everything present isn't enough?

>>21640861
Read the comments, it's literally spoon-fed feedback. Use prompts for yourself like "who, what, when, why, where, how." Also, use the 5 senses for better immersion. The signs of poor writing style are knowledge gaps for the reader, and black holes of information. In black holes, you should have detail present that has been pulled out of existence that seems standard. Consider your rock wall, and add more exposition. You illustrate scenes with words that capture the most important aspects of what you want your reader to focus on for scene building. It'd call this a sketch, and you want to paint over this with depth, and purpose.

>>21640842
NTA, but your critique is mean-spirited. I wouldn't take it seriously; nor would you (or should you) if you were on the receiving end.
If you've ever posted your work ITT you know first-hand how shitty it feels when someone spits on your work without empathy. Don't be that person who does that to someone else.
Bullying is not the same as tough love.

>>21640882
I would actually like to see some of things you've written

>>21640884
You sound sensitive. These were my thoughts while reading. This is how you critique at a university level.
>>21640897
How will that help you? You seem hurt, don't get distracted. Put in more detail to support your literary declarations. If you fill in the feedback prompts, then you'll have a well delivered experience for the reader.

>>21640916
I'm not that anon, I actually just want to see what you've written
There are way too many horrible writers giving out advice they read in books when they never write

>>21640916
I'm so glad I didn't get an MFA lmao
Your in line comments are shallow to the point of being worthless and even though this >>21640882 talks around solid advice, it's inarticulate and poorly communicates what you mean to say

>>21640920
If you don't like advice, you can ignore it. I have an editor for my writing, I don't need to, and won't post here.
>>21640925
Both of those posts are mine...

>I don't need to, and won't post here.
looks like little baby boy won't shware his wittle writings

>>21640842
God damn this is some fucking shit critique. There's some pretty big issues with what was written but 70% of those comments are either "GIB MOAR DETAILS NAO" (in a manner completely fucking antithesis to the basic literary rule of avoiding being unnecessary superfluous) or just objectively wrong.
Anyone who thinks you can't start a sentence with and is a fucking moron.
>>21640916
If you think that's university level critique then you went to a fucking shit university, mate.

>>21640929
Yes I'm aware those posts are yours. Your critiquing skills might be better than what you've shown on your posts, but it's real rich that you're acting pretentious about being a student when what you've brought is low effort and shitty

>>21640916
Why are you getting defensive and not uncritically accepting my critique of your critique?
It's a two-way street.
Do you get my point? You have to have empathy for the person you're critiquing and understand that they don't have to uncritically accept your critique then suck you off for being so gracious as to give them the time of day.
>>21640929
>I don't need to, and won't post here.
Leave. I'm not kidding. You aren't helping anyone by using this thread as a means of shitting on people to inflate your sense of self worth.
Holy shit, anon. Genuinely reprehensible.

>>21640884
Fuck i care, I wish he just used greentext instead of some mad ms software.
>>21640882
Okay, thanks. I guess, I'm scattering exposition really bad too, it was one of my concerns.

>>21640950
Anon look at this >>21640929
>I have an editor for my writing, I don't need to, and won't post here.
He's using you as a punching bag to make himself feel big. Disregard him.

>>21640960
You know what would show 'em? If you gave me a much better critique.

>>21640938
>GIB MOAR DETAILS NAO
"Mary had a little lamb."
"Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow."
>starting sentence with "and."
It's lazy writing
>>21640960
>feel big
lmao, are you one of those self-deprecating writers who starts off their critique requests with "gize, I know it's bad," so you avoid actual criticism and only get pity compliments?
>>21640946
You're providing unsolicited critiques of my critique. Each box of feedback had answerable prompts for detailed writing and scene building, which is important for the first paragraph. Do you want to start a story without a set stage? Damn, you're sensitive.

>>21640973
bro you're not as good as you think you are
imagine having an insecure melty not about your ability, but about your ability to recognize ability and deconstruct merit
>>21640971
I just opened your bin and was about to but this is a weird ass post so I changed my mind

>>21638923
Aww... I wish someone would shit on my book. I really would like to post it on Royal Road and Kindle velle

>>21640973
>"Mary had a little lamb."
>"Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow."
Except that's not what you were asking for. He mentioned his characters had regrets and rather waiting to give him the opportunity to explain that those regrets were over time and naturally through the course of the entire text, you complained that he didn't immediately give you the character's entire fucking backstory with the immediate speed of a shotgun blast to the fucking face.

>>21640984
You're so angry that your sentences are unreadable. You're not even using examples of what I precisely did wrong. But, that's a trait of poor writing that's making you project, isn't it? Everything in the comments were questions to fill in key detail.

>>21640997
lol okay diary writer.

>>21641007
>diary writer
Is this meant to be some kind of insult? Lol.

>>21641026
Good detection. It's easy to write for an audience of one, who knows every detail and needs no orientation.

>>21640973
>It's lazy writing
No it's not. I checked the professional writers for that specifically. It is allowed.
>>21640984
I'm requesting critique for an honest opinion of what you feel about it, and what he feels about it. I'll evaluate it on my own, see if I agree with it. I think he's right about the lack of exposition even if he had the wrong idea about it and didn't read much of the text. In fact, my exposition is too scattered and uncomprehensive if he had so many questions. But of course I can't blindly listen to just one person. Besides, when I said "bullying" it was a light irony, we're on 4chan.

>>21640999
reading comp little brother
you really shouldn't be pointing back to your in-line comments. they betray you as an amateur or a low level writer. you have a couple comments which are coaxing ESL-anon into expanding details which could contribute to narrative or atmosphere, but you are mostly focused on imagery and logical consistency. it's a narrative medium, why do you think visual details are the primary purpose of prose?
>you started your sentence with "And," stop.
>you're overusing "he."
>where does he live?
>what kind of floor?
>is this place important to him?
>give this guy a name already
do you sincerely think these are the observations of someone with high literacy?

there have been several people who've pointed out that your critique is shit
post your work or walk. I don't like to have my writing associated with being antagonistic but you're beyond delusional

>>21641034
What dairy? Who's writing it? What kind of things are in the diary? What kind of detail and orientation do you need? Why does it look like? Where is it being kept? Come on, man, I need fucking details and you haven't given them to me.

>>21641035
>we're on 4chan
Being a cheeky 4chan banter devil only works when the person feels a sense of camaraderie with anons.
Remember
>I don't need to, and won't post here.
He's some narcissist outsider who thinks he's graciously granting us the gift of his presence, when really he's just a cunt who came into someone else's house and shit on the floor.
It's about more than just you now. I, and I imagine others, are sick of idiots like him coming here just to shit on the floor.

>>21641075
>making an anon into the boogey man
>not even the guy asking for feedback
What colour do you dye your hair?

I don't take advice from people who can't even post a paragraph of their work
shows a lack of effort on their part

>>21641099
kind of a retarded stance desu senpai
it's one thing to just hit and quit a crit
it's another to say inane, substanceless shit then have the audacity to say something like
>This is how you critique at a university level

>>21641096
>boogey man
Fair. I might have been a bit hyperbolic.
That shit just annoys me.
But the answer is green, of course.

/cg/ - Critique General

>>21641120
if you can't critique, you can't read
if you can't read, you can't write
simple as

Can we talk about something else? I'm trying to shitpost as I write

>>21641146
post the last paragraph you wrote

>>21641150
Clyde shot the sixth round directly into the man’s chest. The steel knocked a proper hole through the so-called bulletproof glass and slammed into the security guard’s body. It crunched through the man’s armor and slammed him into the wall, but didn’t pierce through–too much energy lost with the glass. Clyde had to unbuckle his back foot and dive through, flipping over and nearly breaking his ankle as he rolled across the floor of the train, dragging an inert but heavy board behind him.

>>21641165
Nice, some action, would have been a shame if it was something useless. But please, don't repeat words, there are so many fucking words in english.

>>21638503
>Kino Springs
Kino

>>21641165
solid
>—too much energy lost with the glass
I get what you're going for but it's undermined by your definite articles. there's a reason mccarthy cuts that shit all the time, the effect just doesn't come through otherwise
would add "was" to the line
>>21641184
jesus christ you're embarassing stop posting

>>21641150
NTA, but sure I'll post some of mine.

> The movement of a finger. Ancient eyes lazily drifted open, as blue as the ice sheets themselves, blazing with a light of the same colour. He looked down upon Zelsys, and it was as though an arctic wind smashed right through her. Even in this state of utter serenity, barely raising his arm to stroke his beard, the Revenant King’s presence was utterly overwhelming. She could barely stand, and indeed, chose to kneel before him. At that moment, she also realized that his skin wasn’t burned-black; waves of blue light flowed down his arms, cascading out in myriad overlapping runes to the rhythm of a slow heartbeat. That wasn’t charring, or a tan, but runic tattoos so densely layered they made his skin the shade of blackest night, yet somehow so precisely layered that their arcane properties remained intact.

>>21641196
Well I'm about to read The Road, so maybe I'll learn something from him soon.

Anons, I have an important question. I started writing a very elaborate shitpost. It is good at the start, but when I finished the in-character ramblings of the protagonist and his back story I run out of humor. It just reads like really bad porn, and I can't even convey the funny when writing a dialogue of an autist with a narcissist. How do I find inspiration to make it a really good shitpost that makes you "lol, lmao even"?

What's the best way to introduce a timeskip? I'm thinking of jumping the story forward by five or six years but don't really know the best way to do it.

>>21641208
based sword and sorcery writer
>waves of blue light flowed down his arms, cascading out in myriad overlapping runes to the rhythm of a slow heartbeat.
bit overloaded. might advise taking this description in a more impressionistic direction. this short paragraph has a lot of plain stated description and it makes it feel a bit tiring by the end. the tattoos are cool and feel like the central detail of his introduction so I'd give the sentence structure here some sauce to add variation and further exaggerate this cool detail
keep it up brah

A whole new Universe has begun! With striking bolticity shakens every cosmic fiber!

O, Heart! Immense Beating, titanic pulsation, pure sunlight encompassing cries of joy!

Choice has been made, so crystalwater wonders appear at each faerie dewdrop!

Thus in crescendo of quintaessential music, Choral of Angels touching Humanity's Soul, redemption for no matter what tear fills mind and body with Divine Ectasy, howling in white pleasure, sung by all living creatures in existence!

Remember!
You are Love

Remember!
Cared by God

>>21641247
This sounds right up my alley. Got an excerpt so I can see what you mean?

>>21641250
how about
>...flowed down his arms. Litanies of strength, of protection, of rebuke against the divine’s influence, the ancient will of their maker still burning so keenly as to surpass language. It dawned on her that this was no charring, but old magic surpassing all others.

What are the best ways to break a protagonist? I want this fucker to suffer.

>>21641276
I'm planning on not posting it before completion. It's barely a chapter worth, and this weekend will suffice to finish. I can't ask you to write jokes for me, I just want an advice on how to make my own.

>>21641289
Have you never watched anime? Let his sweetheart be gang raped.

>>21641284
dense but that seems like your style
if you can follow through on the drama then I'm into it. feels like the first take of the sentence but I like the direction. put a note on it and put your eyes on this line in a day or two, bet you'll clean it up well

>>21641289
Have his closest friends betray him, have his lover cuck him if he has one, smear his reputation and then chop off a limb or two for good measure.

>>21640832
Does Word run under Linux?
If not, I can't use it.
Besides, LibreOffice is fully functional.
Why are you recommending the product of a company that was found by the Supreme Court to be a harmful monopoly?
Are you an establishment shill?

>>21641515
I really couldn't give less of a shit about your ethical consumerism
Pyw or stfu

>>21641517
I fix open-source software when I find a problem, and I send the fixes to the maintainers.
That's much more "pay your way" than anything you do.

Can we start doing battle-station threads? I want to see comfortable writing areas.

>>21641534
Bro...
What thread do you think this is...?

>>21637452
What is your revision process for poetry?

The darkness blurs the lines between hope and nothingness,
As the bird’s soul tightens in the embrace of burning lavender.
Its fragrance douses the lepers watching in yearning silence.
A woman with a frozen child slips beyond the toll of the bell,
A bridge that spans from the heavens to the broken earth, piercing mankind.
The mourners endure a shared emptiness as the child returns to the unknown.
Rain beats the pool of tears left by the funeral, resisting its cleansing.
Wrinkled eyes squint into the void, seeing themselves in the child’s fate.

>>21641517
>>21640832
Are you trolling? This is just bizarre.

>>21641576
feel like there should be a paywall to post on /lit/
too many idiots in here right now

>>21641593
Have you considered cartwheeling in traffic? You microcephalic stain upon the genetic history of man, you room-temperature IQ abortion survivalist. Conceived with a dog, you were, and it was a sad day at the planned parenthood when you crawled out of the biological waste bucket.

>>21641552
This is the seething schizo NEET parasite thread, obviously.

>>21641593
I didn't know NEETs had disposable income.

>>21641576
Pyw in creative threads usually means post your work
Yknow, like post something relevant to the thread topic?

>>21641611
big words for a man that can't afford a mocha latte

>>21641650
You were criticizing my unwillingness to pay Microsoft money for their crappy bloated crashy software.
You appear to have the memory of a goldfish.

>>21641661
An incorrect interpretation
I was criticizing you for posting and responding to stupid irrelevant bullshit
Post writing you utter buffoon

>>21641656
Why should I buy a dogshit latte from kikebucks when I can make great coffee, at home, for a fraction of the price?
Only poors feel the need to make a display of their money
You have literal nigger mentality

>>21640660
Crab bucket mentality loser spotted

>>21641150
>He stared at her sleeping face a moment, the brow at last unfurrowed from the release of dreams, whose dimensions were not of space and time but of love, and he kissed her gently on the head and went away.

>>21641669

>>21641725
>you did it luke, you cured my claustrophobia

>>21641705
nice
I like the juvenility of "went away". grounds the spatial metaphor

https://pastebin.com/PePY60X1
Is this understandable enough? Context wouldn't help.

>>21641818
>a painful cry as pain

>>21641693
Did you buy a copy? Exactly.

>>21641208
Not terrible at all. It's starting to inch towards purple prose, but that's appropriate for a big scene. If you wrote every paragraph like this, it would be too dense for me. Like, the word 'myriad' should only be used once or twice per book.
If the actual plot and characters are good, you could get a ranking story on Royal Road.

>>21641818
I understand it as a high effort shitpost.

>>21642284
This IS for a ranking story on RR, Retribution Engine.

>>21640812
Just looked at the other anon's critique, don't listen to him. Your writing is fine. Way better than some others I've seen.

>>21640842
>>21640812

This critique isn't even that harsh...when did /wg/ become a discord hugbox? He's taking the piss a little but this guy actually took time out of his day to give you detailed critique and you respond with petulant whining (when you asked for harsh critique in the first place). I would kill (you, in particular) to get this kind of critique for the stuff I post here. Usually it's just radio silence and on rare occasions a one line drive-by shitpost. Everyone else responding negatively to this doesn't seem to understand the critique either (I suspect samefaggotry). If it were me I wouldn't have even bothered to read past the first five sentences. You obviously put no effort into this so I don't see why I should either. Anon here was feeling charitable but as usual no good deed goes unpunished in wimp general.

>>21642531
biiiiiiiiiitch

>>21642531
So there's a double standard that we can be harsh to writers but not reviewers?

Your critique was shitty. People are telling you that. Deal with it.

>>21642304
>Retribution Engine.
>read this
>video game shit
>stat screens
>literally telling the reader to put items in a box

I'm done. This story isn't for me. Nothing wrong with the writing itself though

>>21642553
normal for RR
don't hate a girlboss on his grind

>>21641208
>and indeed
Usually if you use indeed like that, it will need a comma before it. The last two sentences are repetitive and feel redundant. Study REH more to get better prose.

Chapters should be 5k words max.

>>21642580
new to literature?

>>21642587
i've been wandering the wastes that are the internet for too long, my friend

>>21642551
I'm not the anon that posted the critique. And yes, there is such a double standard because reviewing anything for free is implicitly an act of charity. If someone is taking time out of their day to give you detailed critique, the least you can do is not whine about it. I would be more sympathetic to the writer if it seemed like he actually put some effort into his work, but it doesn't seem like he did. So he's lucky to get even that much. Like I said, if it were me (and as I suspect of the majority of the people that glanced at his work) I wouldn't have bothered reading past the first few sentences. People who write this badly don't take any advice, which is why they never improve, which is why they write this badly.

>>21642553
The main character's statscreen appears infrequently enough that I could count it on my fingers, over the course of the entire 800k+ word story. Several of my readers actively dislike LitRPG elements and they get on with the story just fine because it works just fine without them. Why not just remove them, then? Because I put them in at the start and it'd be more work to rip it out than to just keep it in as a really small aspect that also allows me to staple the LitRPG tag onto the side.

In reality the story is much closer to a western take on cultivation, by someone who doesn't read xianxia.

>>21642531
>when did /wg/ become a discord hugbox?
People flooding in who have never written nor read much. That's why the critique threads were better.

>>21642622
the rude guys critique was shit though

>>21642639
>rude
>shit
A normal person would say "thanks for your input," then ignore it; they wouldn't seethe about it for many posts over the course of several hours. Are you people new to writing or something?

>>21642642
you brought the topic back up my man

>>21642646
If you're the retard who wrote the piece, it has sentence fragments and passive voice, as well as tense switch, in the first two sentences. It continues with this poor writing to the point one wonders if this person has even read a book cover to cover before.

>>21642649
I'm not. I just thought the guy who's insight was "use more description", "tell me his name" and then justified himself by saying that that's how it's done at university was a dipshit
anon's piece was bad, which like yeah he's literally ESL and it's his first time writing in english

>nobody has good writing in this thread
>still come here
What's wrong with me?

>>21642660
I deal with shit critiques in real life more than I do here. People at my writing group read even less than here (which just goes to show more people want to be writers than they do want to read).
But as writers we need to remain fairly gracious and just thank people for taking the time to read stuff.

>>21642675
yeah for sure and I wouldn't have thought twice about some idiot saying dumb shit if he didn't then go on to act like a smug fuck about it
just annoying is all. it's 4ch, can you really fault people for dog piling some guy acting like a tool

>>21642675
More people want to be writers than they do want to read the same things as a small group of strangers, attend meetings, and discuss what they read*
FTFY

I miss writing flashes everyday

>>21642670
You could take a crack at helping this >>21638293

>>21638293
>Clyde blinked. He could feel the wind blowing against his chest. Wind whistled through mask metal meshed.
What? What the fuck does mask metal meshed even fucking means? I can't figure out how these three words can go one after another. And if he's wearing metal armor, how does he feel the wind blowing against his chest just a sentence before?

>The train beneath his feet rumbled, passing on its irritated might through board to boot to thigh and higher still.
Oh he's on a train. But what? Just say "Clyde felt the vibrations surge through his legs."

>The magnets of his board clamped to nose and steel, holding him tight, him a criminal despite. The mask had pricked, and something in his thoughts ran clipped.
Despite what? How the fuck is something suddenly holding him? What's ran clipped? THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!!! read it aloud! This is some of the niggerish English I've ever read and I'm a fucking nigger myself!
>The earth below fell away. His mind soared with the day in stormy play.
What the fuck are you talking about?

>Glitter path and littler death. Fifteen had become ten and would become one fifth. His gaze fixed upon the beacon red, his path from now to Dixie dead.

Even if he was on drugs, you don't write a bunch of fucking nonsense. I'm not on drugs. your Character is. So make it make sense for your reader.

>HURR DURR YOU JUST DON'T GET IT BECAUSE IT'S WRITTEN WITH A POETIC PROSE!!!!\
No. FUCK YOU NO! Your writing is just simply SHIT

>>21642709
% chance this is the guy who got lambasted for being shit at critique?

>>21642720
>>21642709
95%
nonetheless you should fix the mask part, the words are just out of order
"metal mesh mask" or summin

>>21642726
>>21642720
No. I'm the guy that just did what this guy told me to do.
>>21642686

>>21642709
lol, lmao even. I am kekking IRL.

>>21642726
It ends in meshed because it's a soft rhyme with chest. Perhaps not the best line but reordering the words doesn't improve it. An entirely new sentence would be needed.

>>21641725
>Luke slaps her one final time, just to make sure it really did the trick.

>>21642553
There's barely any stat screens in the story but man do the paragraphs drag in that story. it makes me exhausted half way through reading a chapter

is this basically a fanfic thread?

>>21643117
What

>>21643128
Posts in pastebins, wackass wuxia, and wattpad. I know that last bit is where some mad lads post their OC shit, but wasn't that fanfic central years back?

>>21643135
I'm honestly surprised people are still using it.

>>21642293
So, postmodernism.

>Talking to prof
>mention I'm trying to write a book for a few years now
>asks me what it's about
>shrug don't really know how to say
>He sighs and just asks me if it's a series of things happening linked by pretty words and phrases
>stunned into silence
>shrug
>sat together for some time in silence
>he eventually says he must get going
>tfw went to my dormitory
>still shredded

>>21643190
>series of things happening linked by pretty words and phrases
is your prof one of those pseuds who looks down on the existence on novels and fiction

>>21643206
I think he meant that anon's book was devoid of meaning. When he asked about what it's about, he didn't want to hear about the plot, but about the themes. As anon couldn't explain it, he could only guess it was some empty schlock.

>>21642649
>it has sentence fragments and passive voice
I don't believe you have read any fiction. That's just massive bullshit. It's a bunch of made up rules for people who can't learn to write and need to have a recipe for everything to produce any art.

>>21643235
Themes are fucking retarded though. You can make up shit outside of anything in terms of themes. Story is the real important thing.

>>21639152
>I admit I'm often confused about what gets labeled telling and showing.

"Show, don't tell" < "Describe, don't explain"

Think about it this way. Some of your writing conveys information which an observer would get from physically being in the room as this shit happened, and other parts of your writing are giving context which a a real-time observer would not get by being present. If you want a scene to be engrossing, that first category should outweigh the second several times over.

>The herbologist worked in a meditative silence.
This sentence is very literal and direct.
>This old greenhouse sheltered him from the outside world and all its noisy distractions.
Still pretty direct, but now you are invoking the role this building plays in the main character's life and his sentimental attachment to it (it is ambiguous whether your mean it protects him from the outside world at this exact moment or in general). A naive observer might come to these conclusions after watching Awstero work, but there is an element of interpretation here.
>Here he had the necessary peace to read, research, conduct experiments, record his findings, and—when his mind grew tired from study—to labor in the soil like a common gardener.
This sentence is full of information that the reader could only have if they had intimate knowledge of Awstero before reading the story. An observer could not know most of this by being present during the events of the story.

When people say you are tell-y, what they really mean is too much of your language is being used to import context into the scene. You can have some of that, but unless you are going for a very abstract, distant style of narration, it should be a small compared to direct description (shit you would see if you were in the room). Either cram the camera into Awstero's head so the context comes off as internal monologue, or replace most of it with concrete, immediate description.

I am being harsher than I want to be. This story seems relatively fixable. I would also say to be less afraid of longer paragraphs, particularly because taking the time to set a scene will make it easier to cut the exposition and abstract sentences.

>>21643190
You can extract themes from anything. Themes aren't substance. Plot and characters are.

You should nonetheless be able to say generally what it's about, I mean you wrote it.

>>21643283
ayy

>>21639098
The most I'm willing to critique is around 10k words, and I feel like that's already a significant time investment. I think anything more than that is pointless anyways, since I can get a very good idea of the merits, or lack thereof, of someone's writing fairly well with that amount of words. Asking someone to critique a full novel without anything in return is too much

I hit 500 words today bros, it feels good. I can normally only do around 200 but I was able to keep it going for far longer. Maybe I can make it after all.

>>21643346
You'll be able to do a thousand in no time if you keep it up.

How do I be funny in writing? In a narrative book form where the overall thing isn't comedic but just to have a funny thing happen or something

>>21642685
this is too good for this thread

>>21643346
Your new goal should be 1000. If Xianxia authors can write 3k words a day, so can you

>>21643453
I can't imagine writing a novel in like six weeks, how the hell do they do it?

>>21643238
They can be employed well if you know what you're doing, but that anon was seemingly random in his employment.

>>21643480
Hyper-focus 12 hours a day writing. Everyone wishes they had such powers in their own field, but it's almost non-existent except if you choose to pursue what is the easiest for you.

>>21643483
Where should they be put then? Passive forms I mean. It is common knowledge that you don't use passive on a protagonist, but there are no other explanations.

>>21643480
>how the hell do they do it?
Lack of quality. The readers are perfectly happy to read thousands of chapters of mediocre prose, since they're mostly looking for a power fantasy they can insert themselves into for a while. If your writing doesn't need to be exceptional, it's mostly just the discipline to sit down and write for a few hours a day

>>21643372
Second that. I asked about it too. Don't people write comedy here?

when did giving out critiques make you a god? Some guy says he hates your work and you're a piece of shit and you should all of sudden suck his dick for that great piece of information?

>>21643563
If your writing inspires that much hatred, then maybe you should

>>21643609
hatred is inspired be self-loathing, my writing is only a catalyst for it to cum out

Whenever I describe my settings or stories people keep saying they're "greek as fuck" or "tragically greek." I don't get it. Am I stupid? What the fuck does that mean? I'm high as fuck and this is bothering me, so please just bear with me:

There are two brothers, they are impoverished and living in a bronze age era land. One brother one day finds a meteorite which speaks to him and grants him magical powers, and he becomes a sorcerer. Then, he uses his powers to give a boon to his brother as well. His brother is then as mighty as a hundred men. The meteorite that spoke to the sorcerer when he was young is actually a demon, and he tricks the lover of the sorcerer into accepting his power too. The power he gives her is that she siphons the living energy of all things around her in a huge radius, except the sorcerer. Every night the people in this radius have nightmares that clearly label her as the cause. This makes everyone actively try to hunt her down and kill her wherever she goes, and this causes the sorcerer's life to become hell. Eventually they're cornered after running for so long. She knows that it's over and doesn't want to see her lover suffer with her as he deludes himself on ways to escape. So she runs away to the people who want to rip her apart in an attempt to end it all. The sorcerer is heart broken and kills her himself before she can make it to them in order to spare her the torture she'd suffer. So, then he embraces her and all the life energy that she'd siphoned from the world around her over that time is transferred into the sorcerer, who in his moment of grief uses it to destroy the land around him. He also blows up one of the moons, and it's super cool in my opinion. Anyway, he's totally evil now, and then he goes back to his homeland to find his brother. His brother is actually just a total jerk, and he used his power to become a warlord tyrant over his home nation. The sorcerer doesn't give a shit, because he's super evil now. He's actually a necromancer because of how corrupted the demon has made him through his grief. (The demon is actually trying to turn him into a huge battery so he can use him to spawn into the material realm and escape the planet before aliens show up to merk his ass.) Anyway, he tells his brother that he can see visions of the future, and that he sees that one day his brother's son will kill him. His brother doesn't actually find that too threatening, and he just says "Whatever, I'll just slam every hatchling that comes out a male onto the rocks. No problem" So, he goes ahead with that plan, and manages to live for a good long while thanks to the magical boon he got forever ago. So that prophecy spreads around his country. Eventually, one of his concubines gets pregnant, and her father says "I actually DON'T want my potential grandchild fucking squished, thanks" So he runs away with his daughter into the wild lands, and surprise surprise the kid she pops out is a male.

>>21643670
Oh yeah, these are all sapient lizards by the way.

And this male is then raised by those who wish to see the asshole warlord brother's reign destroyed. That's basically the plot of a book I'm writing. I tell this to my best friend, and he says "how Greek." Fuck him, what the fuck does that mean?

>>21643673
Sorry I lied, that's actually the backstory behind the book I'm writing which focuses on the son becoming an adult and killing his father. It's a pretty vanilla adventure tale, but with lizards.

>>21643670
The male child destined to kill the relative is a recurring motif in Greek myth. The titan Kronos eats his children because one of them is prophesized to kill him, but baby Zeus is smuggled out of the cradle and Kronos eats a rock in his stead. Zeus ends up defeating and killing Kronos Similarly, Princess Danae is prophesized to give birth to a son who will kill her father, so her father locks her in a tower, but Zeus breaks in, porks her and then helps her escape. Eventually she gives birth to Perseus who does end up killing his maternal grandfather. This, and the fact that it's set in the bronze age and the sapient lizards (sapient snake people are present in Greek myth) makes your story sound quite inspired by Greek mythology.

>>21643686
Oh my god! You're right, damnit it just sucks now. Back to the drawing board. I'm keeping the lizards

Here is a paragraph from this chapter >>21637487 , slightly edited. Not asking for any story/exposition critique, just prose. Can you point out what's wrong and what's ugly in it? I don't understand the tenses at all.

"Long tubular tendrils of the drone sprung out, aiming at young man's limbs. Grasping tentacles swirled around his legs. The man shoved them back, crawled away and stood up from the ground, barely able to hold himself on two legs. Machine crawled towards him, mindlessly, without breaking it's steady pace. He slammed his fist against it's rubbery surface. Like most drones it was incredibly durable, but it's white hyde was soft and elastic. Yet the impact of the punch hurt the man's fist much more. He could not pierce it, could not tear it. He took a step back again. He tried to evalute how much time he had untill weakness overtook his body and he could not get away anymore. A rock would have been of help. He could tear it's hyde with a sharp edge. The man looked around, searched the grass field with his eyes. There was nothing he could use. But somewhere further, where he could barely see, a gray color stuck out of the ground. He scattered towards it, almost fell again, but reached the object. He looked at the rusted metal, and the bone within it - a human skull."

>>21643690
Why is the
>Machine crawled towards him
and not
>The machine crawled towards him
Did he name the drone "Machine" because he's some troglodyte that heard the word somewhere before? Didn't read the pastebin btw, not going to

How do I write a love letter? Or like love poetry or something? It's almost valentines day and my 1 year anniversary is the end of this month
I never come to this board, I don't really read, and I sure don't write. I'm kind of a sperg and I have ZERO creative intuition, motivation, it really does not come to me like it does for 95% of people probably.

But I am in so much love that I need to do this. I want to convey how sentimental I feel but, a lot of it unfortunately is just that, feelings and I struggle to put them to words.
Help please!!! I really wanna impress her and stuff

>>21641248
Say
>Six years later

>>21643709
Ok, the trick is the be cringe. You'll want to get a sheet of paper out, because that makes it more personal, so there'll be a more genuine connection to the words you are saying. Now, just write any nonsense that you feel you would like to say to your girl. You're not going to say these things to her, but you would like to. They'll probably be weird, but that's ok. Eventually you'll get a few of them that actually sound pretty good together, and feel dramatic. You can be as poetic as you like with this. Enjoy writing out your feelings in practice as you will in the final draft because it's all a way to express your love for her, and that expression is the labor of love itself. It'll feed off itself, and help you keep the motivation up.

Now, you'll also probably want to compare her to stuff, but don't do it for every part of the letter unless you're going to make the whole letter about that. I mean, or at least a significant chunk of it so it comes off as a theme. Being compared to stuff is nice if the things are nice, but eventually it kind of just makes you feel less original or as individualistic. Try not to re-use words so much either, a thesaurus will be your good buddy. Don't overdo it though, or else you'll look like a stupid nerd.

>>21643709
Anon, you don't ask hobby writers on how to express your real emotions and feelings. Read a couple of examples of letters in literature and write from the heart in a similar style. Remember analogies and thoughts about your love that you already came up with before, include them in your letter. That's going to be more than enough.

>>21643723
I appreciate the tips, I definitely think just sitting down and writing by hand is the way to go. And doing a rough draft and brainstorming stuff. Eventually I'm bound to get enough coherent things that sound nice.
>>21643725
Right, noted

>>21637452
How do you write sweet/heartwarming scenes without making it feel fake and stilted?

>>21643709
>I don't really read, and I sure don't write. I'm kind of a sperg and I have ZERO creative intuition, motivation
Welcome home.

>>21643501
I tried, but I'm not funny

>>21643725
Fuck you
>>21643709
Focus on pulling up emotions. Ever have some crippling fear that she'll leave you, or have a weird nostalgia trip in the past? Think whatever you have to to immerse yourself in emotions, then just spee onto paper. You'll get the sincerity but then be able to organize it after

>>21643853
You have it so that the characters have genuine relationships, developed and heartful.

>>21643258
Yeah. I understand the concept in general, but it's different as soon as you actually start to put it into practice. SDT means Everything has to be an indirect statement on something else. But then you have a new statement that also has to be made indirectly. Where does it end? It's like a writing fractal.
The Chekov quote is "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass." But how many objects does the sunlight have to bounce off of before it gets to the reader's eyeball? Does everything have to be boiled down to descriptions of very minute actions and sensory details?

Like, the purpose of introducing him in this way is to 'show' he has a peaceful side. Then the rest of the chapter 'shows' what a grumpy asshole he is at school. I'm hinting that he's a 'jerk with a heart of gold' without stating it.

Direct and indirect information seems like a separate problem. Book writers basically have to give some indirect information -- otherwise you're writing a screenplay. With third person limited, that info should more or less be what's in the character's head. In that case, there should be blunt direct statements of fact if that's what the character thinks. Telling should be justified in that case. It would be weird for a car mechanic to wax poetical about sensory details of dripping oil and grinding noises or whatever, when he should just say 'the engine was totally fucked'.

I think there are much more specific problems that have to be figured out. Like pacing and information density. I might be writing geared for short stories while everyone else is expecting a slower novel speed. It's just going too fast. But these are specific problems that need a microscope to figure out, while SDT seems like Google Maps to me.

>>21644854
Congratulations, you have basic reasoning skills and independent thinking
Most people parroting writing blog shit don't

>tfw you realize some of your scenes are whedon-like
oh dear god
i didn't intend for this to happen

>>21644879
It's only really bad when the humor undercuts dramatic moments.

>>21643690
>I don't understand the tenses at all.
This one isn't as bad as the first paragraph. Compare them with each other. The first one switches to present tense several times. Also you want to be careful with mixing in the continuous aspect too often. "A man was climbing." It's not incorrect, but too much of that will make it feel off.

>>21643709
>Help please!!! I really wanna impress her and stuff
If this person isn't already your girlfriend, do NOT send a love letter.
>t. 14 year old me

>>21644854

I have various plot points thought up for my story with a vague idea of how to connect them, but they're far apart from each other. How do I bridge the gap?

>>21644968
Write.
You're not going to accomplish shit if you just wait for inspiration to strike. Write, dammit.

>>21644854
You want to take a look at the book "Showing and Telling". It's a great resource that dissects the various ways that both showing and telling are used in literature and it touches on many of the things in your post. Importantly, it does not presume any kind of hierarchy between the two but demonstrates how both are used in real literature for specific effects.

>>21644983
Anyone who needs it pointed out to them needs a lot more writing experience.

>>21644994
Hence why the book was written...to help inexperienced writers.

I get that you're trying to show off how intelligent you are and how much a sophisticated writer you are that you were able to figure all this out by "going to books" and "just writing" and didn't need any other help whatsoever and therefore that gives you not only the right but the obligation to look down on anyone that does, and that everyone should be like you and just figure all this stuff out by reading and writing, but not everyone is like you. Some people (whom you would call retards I guess) do need this stuff pointed out to them, or at the very least, things are made much easier when it is pointed out.

>>21645014
It doesn't take a genius to see that one learns how to write by writing. Maybe some people can learn by just reading a bunch, but the reality is experience is more often than not the best teacher. By just recommending books on writing, you take the focus away from experience. I made the same mistake starting out too.

>>21645014
I get what you're trying to say, but he has a point. If everyone could be good writers by just reading, then everyone literate could write a decent enough novel.

>>21645032
>>21645045

One doesn't learn how to write by just writing. If it were true, the people writing million word fanfics would gradually get better, but they don't. Their writing remains consistently bad for all million words. One gets better through practice, but practice requires feedback. It requires someone or something with more experience and skill to point out and correct their deficiencies. Since most amateur writers don't have access to professional editors or even teachers, they have to rely on manuals. Simply reading fiction isn't enough either. Advising people to just read more or write more is the equivalent of telling a person who wants to learn how to play better tennis to just play more games and watch more tennis matches, instead of say, hiring a coach.

>>21643190
AHAHAHAHAHA
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHA
HAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

>>21645083
Good point. I will say that there is a profound difference between actual literature and fanfiction though. While we can see hack jobs and blatant rip-offs in the former, the latter is a literal copy paste of many things. It, by nature, impedes growth by relieving a lot of stress from the writing process. Improvement is ultimately a choice. Someone lacking experience in something can still point out their own deficiencies if they have the will to or strive to. Both a coach and a manual are limited by their ability to convey information according to the one who needs help's understanding. This is where doing may do better than reading/demonstrating.

>>21645083
A person can actively learn on their own by being critical and deconstructing. The reason fanfictiom writers can write a ton and not improve is because they're not trying to, they're just passively producing
Its a very dipshit opinion to think learning is dependent on the conclusions of others. You realize these self help "technical" books were written by normal people like you? What process did they go through to come to their conclusions?
There's nothing wrong with seeking the perspectives of those with the self confidence and clout to push their ideas, but I hate how pervasive this sentiment of intellectual dependence is in writing

>>21644805
the characters have to be real too. Why is it sweet for somebody to act a certain way? The typically stoic, silent type goes out of their way to do something extra -- that's a special action and makes for a special moment. The chronically, saccharinely sweet bubble ecchi 2d cutout of 'nice' bakes a cake? Boring. Lame.
The sweet girl who was hurt by the stoic character still bakes a cake out of the goodness of her heart and gives it to the stoic person, who reacts with suppressed emotion as she realizes she's got a real friend at last and she apologizes and they're real, genuine friends from then on?
Fuck me, that's sweet.

Hire some pajeet editors on fivver that runs it through a grammarly or some Twitter girl who's in perpetual debt but insists on being a professional editor.

That's how you get better.

>>21645149
No need to be rude
...you are joking, right?

>>21645149
This but paying to join seminars by booktubers

>>21645162
Not at all. It is the only avenue for hobbyists to be able to obtain another person's eyes on their work.

>>21645166
To add. Let's look at a few /wg/ books. A few of them are well written, but never comes close to a big corporations level of quality. Even our best book here, pales in comparison to even a book by Coleen Hoover. The quality and mistakes that plague our books is highly apparent, and none of us are good enough to match the dedication or level that a team of editors have. We may be as educated as them but ultimately we're still amateurs and will never improve because we lack the resources to do so.

>>21645180
>ultimately we're still amateurs and will never improve because we lack the resources to do so.

>>21645180
But I believe that anon isn't a complete retard and can actually put some meaning and heart into his books. That's enough to be better than what gets published big...

>>21645180
/wg/'s saltiness crab

>>21645127
The purpose of a book or coach is not only to point out deficiencies but also to articulate them. One of the elements of deliberate practice, according to Ericsson, is "internally representable goal states". Often this is achieved through the use of abstraction: putting to names things and using those names with precision. One of the reasons the old saw of "show don't tell" is so unhelpful is because (as the anon above pointed out) the words "show" and "tell" are being used imprecisely. The book I recommended tries to fix that by clearly and precisely defining what these terms mean (even if only within the confines of the book) so that the reader can accurately pinpoint where they are going wrong.

>>21645135
> What process did they go through to come to their conclusions?
In the case of the author of the book I mentioned, they went to school (where they were no doubt given feedback by other professional authors who were their instructors). The same is true of most professional authors, they either learned their craft through schooling, workshopping, a mentor, or from trying to publish in a magazine and getting rejection letters. You cannot learn without feedback. For those who don't have access to the above a writing manual can serve as an alternate source of feedback.

I'm as equally tired of people acting smug about how they learned to write all by themselves and then pushing that pretension on everyone else when there are plenty of resources that make it much faster and easier to learn the craft. Resources that you could easily get for free (the book is on libgen), to boot.

>>21645208
This just sounds like you're insecure about how you learned and are trying to justify it, as if it needs to be in the first place.

>>21645208
Just because something is meant to do something doesn't mean it can't do that poorly, anon.

>>21645218
he pulled out the quotes so yeah
constant deference to someone else's skills and perception rather than his own
writes itself

>>21645180
go kill yourself retarded bucket crab defeatist

>>21645236
but you can only learn through the professionals anon
just this other day, a professional recommended me a vaccine they had to change the definition to market it as one

>>21645208
A great deal of highly acclaimed authors aren't schooled in it, but were educated in other areas
What describes ability isn't opportunity, there's great literature written by poor people, but personal strength and willingness to learn (and maybe some talent)
Essentially no matter what resources you have, you'll always be a NGMI because your attitude and unwillingness to think for yourself and desire to offload the burden of learning. Learning is an act of cognition and takes effort
Think nigga

>>21645218
>>21645234

And this sounds like you've resorted to ad hominems because you no longer have anything useful to say. I have no problem deferring to other people when I see that they have useful knowledge that I don't or have more expertise than I do. It's humility which leads to growth, not stubborn pride. Anyway, I've said my piece. Hopefully some other lurking anon will pick up the book and benefit from it.

>>21643372
The humor should depend on the words instead of visual. For example, a character saying something outrageous works better than a description of slapstick.

>>21645255
>It's humility which leads to growth
It can.
>not stubborn pride
But that also can.

Anon, I don't think you're as smart as you think you are.

>>21645255
You're the one who said we're being smug.

>>21645281
rules for thee
not for mee

>>21645275
he must consult with the experts before getting back to you

>>21645289
kek

>>21645236
>>21645205
Denialism is the root of all mediocrity. We've all certainly can improve to a point, but ultimately reach a plateau in which we will never overcome. It is similar to /fit/ intermediate lifters, stuck forever in a routine of maintenance rather than improvement. No shame in such endeavors, but little room to elevate to the next step so to speak. Let's take a look at Chinaman anons book, in which I read the "look inside" feature. By all means it checks tall the boxes of a should probably be traditionally published book. Topics such as racism, minorities, God rush hits all the boxes. But even he, despite his best efforts can not find a single eye on his work to help him really elevate prominence.

If we took his first chapter, it's far too short with little understanding or scene building from the boat to processing station. We get a nameless Chinaman that doesn't even usher a single word to another, making us the readers care little about this story.

>>21645327
there's a difference between failing because you can't improve and failing because you can't have anyone pick you up
your analogies are retarded

>>21645335
pretty sure he meant editors or beta readers not buyers

>>21645327
You've learned of the learning curve and concluded difficulty is insurmountable
Also equating merit and market success is flawed and just a way to make yourself and others feel bad

>>21645335
It's because it's not good enough to get picked up. Written too poorly to obtain any interest past the first chapter

>>21645356
I think the problem with it is more to do with consistency than just overall bad writing. Which, yeah, I can see that being fixed by having readers or an editor. I see this a lot actually. Even if the writing is good 90% of the time, that 10% brings you out of the experience and makes it unreadable. It's the same with a lot of things. Like in chess for example you can play 39 good moves and then play 1 bad move and lose the game.

>>21645346
That I did.

>>21645366
in what fucking world

>>21645374
?

>>21645346
>>21645367
wow
guess what i was talking about in regards to getting picked up

>>21645366
Exactly. We even have an anon put out his entire manuscript in this thread, and not a single.one of us even bothered to look at it (sorry Adah anon). Hence he will never improve from this, nobody is willing or able to help him. He writes better than vast majority of shit posted in here, but can't elevate to the next step because he's surrounded by a bunch of shitters that offer terrible advice and read only the first 5 sentences before deeming it shit and unreadable

>>21645366
>>21645389
this is (you) isn't it

>>21645390
Sadly no it is not. No need to throw accusations of samefaggotry. Attack the argument not as hominem me to death.

>>21645389
If you fail to catch interest in the first five sentences, something is obviously wrong with your writing.

>>21645389
>sorry Adah anon
I'm a girl.

>>21645395
NTA, the writing style does look way too similar between the two posts.

>>21645398
Exactly. But what constitutes a good opening paragraph, none have yet to answer such a subjective question. Is it setting up the scene? But that's far to expository, is it an action sequence? But nobody cares about it, is it a waking up dream sequence? Not at all.

Yet at the same time, all these techniques have been used and copied by both amateurs and professional writers.

>>21645409
you don't even need to examine the writing style
he didn't post a screencap

>>21645411
>>21645389
Oh come on, at least TRY to vary your posts

>>21645409
Impossible. His posts has zero grammatical errors while mine was filled with missed commas and other phone posting issues.

>>21645417
I will freely admit those two posts are mine as they address two different anons posts and opinions.

>>21645411
It's neither an info dump, an action sequence, or a waking up dream. The setup is an initiating action: the reason for the plot. Not some retarded action sequence without context, a dream with no actual reason to exist, or an info dump.
>>21645419
Quit jerking yourself off

Good writing is my writing

>>21645389
Yeah. That's why I don't post my work here anymore. There's just not enough signal even on those rare occasions when you do get critique. I can think of at least three websites that are way better for getting crits than /wg/. I can get like 20+ detailed crits per piece using them. This place is only to post edgy polbait shitpost stories or hentai in text form. Stuff you can't post on a more respectable site.

>>21645426
Quit being so butt blasted knowing I am right. Besides, if any of us produce a piece good enough to be traditionally published, none of us would ever return to this shithole to help another anon.

>>21645447
Not my fault you're really bad at hiding your samefagging.

>>21645442
You can always tell when someone's received a shitpost crit and never got over it

i'm still jealous that one guy on /sffg/ wrote fanfiction and got people reaching out to him for it
know it was webnovel but still, i'm fucking jelly

>>21645456
In my case, I just never received crits period.

>>21645457
People as in publishers? Good on him, man is living the dream of every fanfic writer. What's the webnovel?

>>21645478
He never posted it. He just shared the emails he was sent.

>>21645468
Do you post long chapters?
/wg/ can be pretty good if a select few posters are on bit you'll never get someone here to look at something long

>>21645479
Wait was it the morrowind fanfiction guy?

>>21645457
>>21645478
>>21645479
I meant he was given an offer by webnovel, if you meant actual publisher publisher.

>>21645483
who?

I've been procrastinating for years.
Am I gonna make it if I stop and start now?

>>21637452
Whew! Would you get a load of that top 10? Mike Ma (hon.) retains his rank yet again, as new addition RE: Trailer Trash dislodges John Jay Stancliff's Fedbook from the #2 position. Gardner's Call of the Crocodile remains strongly in the top 5, with L.A. Labuschagne's SHAMAN making a shocking rise from lowest-ranked to #5. R.C. Waldun (hon.) shows a downward slide from last week, with two of Gardner's books seeming to have edged Akaso off the ranks entirely. Pseudo Bulkington's The Orators, previously a #2 seller, makes a cheeky reappearance at #9 this week. And finally, the heretofore unseen Steven Boswell makes a bid for relevancy with Playtime's Consequences at #10. Ogden Nesmer is a notable absence this week, unable to maintain sales of I Pray to the Hungry God.

If you've been spending too much time in /wg/, it can be easy to lose sight of our place in the broader world of publishing. Therefore, those of us here at the /lit/ Official Register have created a handy infographic to help you keep a realistic perspective.

Exciting rumors have been circulating in the Gossip Catalog, indicating plans for a film adaptation of Horia Belcea's The Synthesis of the Objective and the Subjective, an upcoming new release from Zulu Alitspa, and some closure from the last-known editor of &amp magazine.

>>21645485
Hmm...maybe the trailer trash guy then? I think he got an offer from them too.

>>21645487
There was a guy who posted morrowind fanfiction a while back written in the style of P.G Wodehouse. Got some applause from /wg/ for it iirc.

>>21645489
Good shit
Keep it up zine-anon

>>21645489
>Gardner has 3 books in the top 10.

>>21645180
Even if no one wants to admit it, you are correct. Many of our projects would be a world better with even a little feedback, and good feedback is generally something that needs to paid for. The vast majority of creatives here are only into writing because they're too poor for other artistic endeavors. They're not prepared to drop 3-4 figures on having someone read their work critically.
Does that mean it's entirely worthless though? Should they give up? Of course not. Everyone makes mistakes in their writing. Committees may mitigate these mistakes, but they never truly eliminate them.
Take this for example: In Game of Thrones, Davos earns his title of Onion Knight because he sneaks in a bag of onions into a castle under siege. These onions feed the soldiers and allow them to survive.
Now, if you've ever cooked for yourself, you'll see the immediate issue here. Even if you somehow managed to choke down an entire onion, that grueling endeavor would only net you about 35 calories. Each troop would need upwards of 50 onions a day, and Davos brought in a maybe enough for each troop to share an onion. GRRM, being well over 450lbs and having never cooked a meal in his life, did not think of this—and his army of editors did not catch it.
And, of course, no one gives a shit. You're probably hearing about this for the first time. The books have made millions upon millions of dollars and you're hearing about a humorous mistake 25 years after the book came out.
A logistical error, a poorly paced opening, or a misplaced semicolon does not make or break a creative work. Take off your critic's cap and read each work as a reader would.

>>21644874
Cool. I take it all back. His writing is awesome. Publish it tomorrow.

>>21645574
You are so weird

>>21645553
>The vast majority of creatives here are only into writing because they're too poor for other artistic endeavors.
Anon, what the fuck are you talking about? 5 kilos of sculpting clay is worth $20.

>>21645553
Watercolor painting is cheap as shit. So is making synth music to put on your YouTube.

>>21645489
I'm not exactly a fan of the "/lit/ top 10" posts, but why was it deleted?
>>/lit/thread/S21637452#p21645489

>>21645553
Spend even an ounce of the energy you use on cope and seethe to write

>>21645678
I fucked up and put Waldun higher on the chart than he should have been. The thread was already at the bump limit so I'm waiting for a new one before reposting.

>>21645662
>>21645673
My mom doesn't let me do arts and crafts in the house anymore. Don't gotta rub it in.
But in all seriousness, all off those crafts listed take some degree of skill. You don't just wake up one morning and call yourself a music producer because you pirated a copy of Logic Pro. Yet here we are, in a general full of people calling themselves authors; their only qualifications being an 8th grade education and an ego large enough to call themselves an author.
Many, if not most, self described authors here would be doing videogame/movies/youtube/music if they had even an ounce of talent and a savings account that didn't list a negative number.

>>21645725
You have a retarded conception of creativity
There exists those who do things for the sake of the activity and not to be perceived as a person who does it
Furthermore, your view of amateur skill is ignorant. Literally every single hobby has retarded amateurs. The reason you don't see bad writers at the level of bad visual artists is because your literacy is so far below your visual recognition

New thread >>21645770

>>21645725
>pirated a copy of Logic Pro
Why not just use Rosegarden for free?

>>21637487
I'm kind of a purist when it comes to showing and not telling and not using the passive voice, so take what I'm saying however you will.

I read three sentences and I stopped reading:
>Two times the passive voice
>An adverb

You said:
>A man was climbing a rocky wall.
While you could just as easily just have said:
>A man climbed a rocky wall.

and:
>His eyes were desperately glued to the strange white light over his head.
>His eyes refused to stop looking at the strange white bright light over his head.

See? No adverb (how can you 'desperately' look at something? You're either looking, or you're not looking), and now it feels like there's actually something going on instead of things being passively explained.