/lit/ - Literature

Ill start us off

> micz.substack.com/

>>21586420

And there's a new poem every few weeks.

>>21586420
I like this one. Usually unexpected rhymes don't work, but the last line hits quite well with pairing disagree with stability.

>>21586454
I thought it was a risk and i broke the structure to make it work, but i think it's cute

I thought it said "crazy poetry thread"

>>21586420
>>21586424
I like both though as this is lit you will have more luck with the cat poem. I'll post my own work and check out your blog in the future. Good work anon.

>>21586533
>I'll post my own work and check out your blog in the future. Good work anon.

Thanks man. It's not exactly a bog, It works sort of like a mailing list. If you subscribe it sends you the new poems directly to email. (hint,hint, nudge, nudge)

the schedule should be a poem every 2 weeks or so.

i really wish lit had more poetry but most people here cliam to not 'get it'
is there a poetry community anywhere else online?

>>21586748
also i quite like everything posted so far

>>21586553
A noisy chicken
darts out of her cottage
After laying an egg
On an open table,
The egg
Scrambled on my plate
Simply delicious

Hot
Salt
Pepper
Wonderful

>>21586417
what if you fall out of that window while sleeping

Is comfy and reading here too anon

>>21586420
>>21586424
Excellent! I've seen the other one already tho. I like the dedication to meter.

>>21586553
Im not sure I get it, I think it's a joke right

>>21586855
Much better than the original

It returns to dust when the sun sets at
dusk.
empty streets filled with ghostly husks
men long forgotten, eyes like broken glass
wandering souls trapped on earth forever

>>21586420
>micz.substack.com

I was thinking of starting my own substack, how has the experience been?
How do your grow an audience?

Hey guys, my poems. I am dealing with serious depression and one way of dealing with it is through writing poetry. Here is some I wrote today.

>>21587762
This poem is about losing a friend of 7 years after I found out he never liked me and only used me. I didn't want to let go because he was the only friend I had but ultimately I had to.

This poem represents my depression, a never-ending abyss that keeps dragging me down deeper and deeper.

>>21587762
>rhyming symphony with symphony
anon pls

This is one of the first poems I ever wrote, I changed it a lot...it's sort of like a poem biography of myself...explaining how I feel

>>21587789
I'm new to this, I try my best heh

>>21587794
Nah just some playful joshing. The meter and rhyme are solid, just need a little fine-tuning so it scans better when read aloud. Ideally you shouldn't be dividing your lines with commas after every two or three words; just read aloud and see where they feel natural. Otherwise you run the risk of fatiguing the reader. Let your line breaks serve as moments of pause, they don't all need to end with a punctuation mark. Learning a little about enjambment will give your work a much stronger flow, especially when paired with a meter or rhyme scheme like what you're attempting here.

>>21587813
Thank you for the feedback

>>21587267
it's not a joke

>>21587762
sincere poetry is always a bit awkward i dont want to discourage you. Still ...

There are too many repeating end-sounds that are either not rhyme or are slant. 'symphony' 'harmony' 'treachery' 'deity' where one or two can rhyme or resonate with one another and carry you through a poem, but this is just too many.

The imagery is also a bit stock. 'a stab in the back', 'a raw wound', 'shattered ruins' (the word shattered is used in almost every stanza ) are predictable. Use them more sparingly or better yet disguise them as something else. Poetry is the art of being clever in a short space and this is alot of the same things said over and over again .
Have a look at The Castaway by William rhyme . A famous poem about depression that only really lets on what it's about in the last 2 lines, a description of a failed sea voyage turns into a description of the human soul.

Also,an unfortunate fact of English poetry, close rhyme sounds funny. Now there are many, many exceptions to this, but it is generally true that close rhyme leads towards the comic. We are not Italians, we have to compensate for it. a stanza that rhymes 'heart' and 'heart' and then also as 'art', and 'depart' just cant help but leap of the tongue a little too quickly.

if you want more examples of depression poems have a look at Donne's Holy Sonnets, more Cowper, Swifts- Verses on the Death of Dr. Swift ( a comic poem), Pounds Pisan cantos, late Plath , Keat's Ode on Melancholy etc ... all deal with the subject in a much more carefully and usually in a roundabout way.

As i said i don't wish to discourage you, and wouldn't have written this if i didin't think you have some skill. Go and write something better because you can.

Waking on a ventilator
From a morning overdose
I look up to my Creator
Begging nearly comatose:

"O Lord, stop my broken heart
From its lame, tired beating;
Let it rest and fall apart
And end this pain's repeating."

This, many times again I pled
With palpitating heart in bed;
Yet still I live, poem-writing
And that selfsame plea

Waking on a ventilator
From a morning overdose
I look up to my Creator
Begging nearly comatose:

"O Lord, stop my broken heart
From its lame, tired beating;
Let it rest and fall apart
And end this pain's repeating."

This, many times again I pled
With palpitating heart in bed;
Yet still I live, poem-writing
And that selfsame plea reciting.

Here I find myself
The Great Land of Trout
How they stand on land
and shoot about
There are streams of coffee
and women too --
and never can one detect
any shades of blue
only trees on fire
a burning red
I'll next return
when I rest my head

>>21588228
This one is fun. The Blue and the Red bits just seem to just be completing the rhymes tho.

>>21586553
I really like it!

Memory

It seems as if
Every moment
Every memory
Is that of
Resting
From a destiny
That never unfolded
An arduous task
A soft touch
Of melancholy
Waiting for
Those precious moments
That never come

>>21587737
Im afraid i dont have good answers
i chose substack because of the comfy feel and the poetry block feature that lets you post big chunks of properly formatted text. But as far as getting an audience IDK, i've been presently surprised with the amount of views tho.

What i wish is that more people subscribed, and i dont think most visitors even know you can do that.

>>21587773
I respect the feeling but it's rough

A haiku I've always been proud of:

The air suffocates
and sweat slides down my forehead
like a fat wet tongue

I would post my poetry but I don't want anyone stealing my work and using it as if it were their own, thus stealing my dream of being a poet.

>>21586417

>>21589418
This

>>21589418
if you write poetry you already are a poet

>>21588790
Nice

I'm a University student. A few weeks ago I had a revelation. I was unhappy. Incredibly so. I realized I was different from my peers. And the life assigned to me was not one I wished. I am a little over three and a half years into an Electrical Engineering degree from a prestigious Engineering school. I have recently dropped all my classes. Not only can I not stand them but since my inner change I cannot pass them. I went from being an excelling student to one who can no longer satisfy the course.

My internal revolution was that I want to become a Poet. I have begun taking introductory poetry courses and reading in my free time as well. I am not sure what degree I will attain at the end of this and I do not care. I can be given a General Studies degree. I do not care about these kinds of things.

I informed my family of this during a recent holiday. Their emotions ranged from enraged to confused. Even the most happy for me wondered how I would make money.

So what do you think? How can I devise a plan to make money from my passion? I no longer care about attaining Earthly possessions or high income. I just need to substantiate my independence to them.

>>21589418
I post because I don't care about publishing. I'd never want my poems attached to my name anyway.

>>21589870
Be joyful and don’t take yourself so seriously. Then, if you have a song to sing, it’ll come

>>21588271
thanks I needed that

A love poem. Welcoming any guidance or criticism
>>21586420
>her own
>found
These make that stanza feel great. Sorry that I don't have more to say, I'm really new and almost poetically illiterate

>>21586553
Really dug this one. The rhythm is great, though honestly I’m not that big on the spacing. I love your word choice, the woman to Mynydd Bychan lines are just fantastic. And the last 3 lines as well.
>>21587773
It’s good but you’re using very cliché imagery which can be good but get more creative with the metaphors. The feeling is there now craft it’s style. But hey honestly I do feel you sometimes man, it’s a rough world out there but atleast we’re alive.
>>21588228
Simple rhyme but used very well. I love the constantly changing imagery the way it’s very evoking of sensations in the mind is great even with just single lines on specific subjects

In stone and brick sit a losers dream
To sleep in warmth in womans arm.
Walk from she does the loser move
away but closer feels does he
And when the loser leaves his paltry home
He will see naught what he could be
But never was.

>>21589870
Start or join a community. Ideally irl though all my poetry friends are online. Having people judge your work, even if you disagree with the feedback and only resolve on being more and more yourself, is helpful.

>>21588358
I've been surprised by the amount of lit users, and twitter journos who moved there. I wish there was more of a in built community rather then having to rely on already having an audience.
Still, may be an alright place to archive my effortposts.

>>21591089
Yeah it has no community but if you THAT worried about people stealing your work i guess you can use that or Medium or some blogging platform.
Might be worth doing a dedicated shill thread for everyone to post in.

>>21588202
Yeah you’ve got it

>>21590443
Yeah

>>21589598
Also frightened to post something legit
Here are some crumby fragments someone might find worth in or make use of. Happy birthday lit you suck but are sometimes cool

>>21591963

>>21591968
i like it

>>21588228
North-westerner detected?

I read, and I hear the voice of a ghost,
Dead thoughts of dead men thinking,
My same thoughts,
Before the page there was a wall,
And there still is,
And before the ink there was blood,
And that still is too.

It used to follow the wild pigs,
Until they went and new ones came,
These tear the earth and grubs appear briefly,
Plastic conservatories and tarmac driveways,
Dish dividends in destruction,
Now I have nothing and it is winter.

Bump!

>>21590373
That's pretty good, definitely a change from the typical moodiness ITT.

I'm not a /lit/ user. Don't read much. Haven't written a poem in my life. Was camping in the woods alone staring at a fire for hours. When the flame died I decided to sleep. Then was hit with a weird desire to write. So I scribbled a short poem with the charcoal on a tree

Poetry is weird.

>>21586420
>>21586424
I love these. Could you tell us about 'Teacher's Pet'? What 'prompted' it? How did the work develop?

>>21594518
Im glad you like them.
I always wrote poetry, often attempting rather abstract ,complicated stuff that i was never happy with long term. Then a couple of years ago i started writing practice poems in a diary format and putting them up on lit and a Telegram and this is one of those. Just a little still life, polished up to something presentable.

>>21586420
That's good.

We are spirits clad in veils
Man by man was never seen
All our deep communing fails
To remove the shadowy screen

>>21586420
It is good to try to understand what is your ideal, as a one off this is fine but I feel like maintaining this mixture of simplistic almost kiddish style with the vaguely science based aesthetic and register would be difficult to maintain.

You’re too accustomed to trying to produce a conceptual “punchline” by the end of the stanza that it makes your first two lines feel like filler, this is more acceptable in prose but imo a short poem should attempt that every line be a finely cut gem worthy in itself to read.

Written awhile ago.

The Dark of mystery.

when the soft chant recalls distant days,
and the wrong path has lost you astray,
familiar once, now as through a maze,
then the dark limns its face, image fades,

as the dark limbs are swayed, insistent,
they grasp, you grasp, they pass, indiff’rent,
what is a glance to the limitless?
gone in the trance of the infinite.

as behind man’s eyes, the endless drifts,
whispered wisps mouthless, the sound of winds,
from out the throne of intelligence,
tongues-of-flame, from the profound abyss.

wind and flame is made my constant song,
when shade and mist are fled, darkness gone,
then the conscious longs, in its self longs,
itself wrong, it is gone, darkness dawns.

when its cold warmth is known by the lack,
there is but one world but this isn’t it,
sing neither the void nor maya’s dance,
both seen in the lake of listlessness.

frivolous each thought in synthesis,
both minimal and most intricate,
the pinnacle but an appearance,
but the visible part of spirit.

just as the swirled flame of skies azure,
or when the earthquakes and time obscures,
there when the world fades and I’m unsure,
is a conjured face mirror-contoured.

i am known when I am lost to self,
mind and soul is mine when gone to self,
like the foam when white and froths to self,
night is known when light is brought to self.

>>21595347
The clean, uninterrupted and gently rhymed poem is my ideal. I cant write like Larkin but i love his flowing self made stanza's. i think ( >>21586424 ) may be more to your taste. as it doesn't play with scientific language in the same way. In Teacher's pet i intentional used words like 'course' and 'mechanically' as set against the human emotions of a lost pet.

The punchline at the end is hard to avoid. though i try to take the sting out it with feminine endings or such devices. I agree tho, It's a vice.

The next poem is also about children but it's half Burns half Milton, and is much less simple then these two.

PS:
>>21595352
Im not sure i get it, there is maybe too much abstract imagery and heavy words, but i love the trisyllables and the dactyl endings. That's hard to do and not force the rhyme.

You are exactly the sort of reader i want, do stick around.

>>21595352
I really like your wordplay. "dark limns" then "dark limbs" (with limn's etymology making the first phrase tacitly oxymoronic); "limitless" and "infinite" put together, with "infinite" at the end (or, limit, finis) of a sentence; "lake" is followed eventually by "lack", which, for me, puts a spin on the meaning. There's a lot of good assonance throughout. I especially like the last stanza where the assonance on every stressed syllable makes itself very apparent, in light of the end-repetition of "self" (a repetition that would, in my view, be horrible, if not for the assonance preceding it; well written). It (the last stanza), to my ear, becomes (partially due to that assonance) very chant-like ("chant" is in the first line of the poem). I also think the title is fitting for the lack of any concrete imagery.

Wrote this a while ago in a bad mood; I've got no other plans for it, and figured I'd share:

But, tell me, why it is that people bother
To say the one thing when they mean another?
I can't believe means commonly I won't.
Of course I understand you, that I don't.
I cannot find the words. I will not say them.
It warrants punishment. Those fuckers! Flay 'em!
A pity that. They got their just deserts!
I do not care is often Caring hurts.
I'm certain of it. I am not at all.
I know you're busy. Why'd you never call?
Agree to disagree? You're wrong! I'm right!
I know the feeling. Well, I think I might.
Be honest with me. Truer thoughts disguise.
How kind is she! How pleasing on the eyes!
How brave of you! My God, you're getting fat!
You've had enough. Go home, you drunken twat!
How are you, darling? Say that you're all right!
Alright, I s'pose. I often cry at night.
You did your best. You're still not good enough.
Regret we to inform you that... Fuck off!
To always be, to be but seldom, true.
No! I don't want this! Please! implies I do.
I said it 'cause I love you! Yes, I lied.
I want to die, that I've but died inside.

I don't usually write poetry, but I'll give it a go for the sake of a fun time. Would appreciate some feedback.

The Thinker

I stink and smell,
I smell and stink,
but most of all
I shit and think.

The original is in Portuguese

We must not gamble that we are like the Phoenix.
It is better to suspect that we are only chickens,
and that when death finally plucks us
our ashes will sleep the dreamless sleep of ashes,
in this world and the next, and will not be,
like the ashes of the Phoenix, just a nap of the fire.
See in life a beloved woman that you hug, grab, squeeze, kiss, lick, use and abuse,
a woman with whom you do everything the flesh dreams of in love,
until, when death comes, the sated soul and life, which was known to be loved,
will unravel, satisfied and happy,
like a blushing, sweaty, panting and smiling couple.
If that soul is now left with the dark, it will go to sleep peacefully,
but if an eternity actually exists, then that soul of yours will make the dead in paradise,
spoiled by paradisiacal things, wake up from their anesthesia
and celebrate your arrival with tears in their eyes,
fondly remembering - some for the first time - what they themselves were
when they were mortal.
Live to receive the tears of the dead as a gift.
Make your mortal life a wild wine so delicious that the Gods,
those sommeliers of the supreme,
will uselessly rummage through their celestial cellars
in search of wines of more ecstatic experiences.
Live in such a way as to make the Gods feel
that there is a tiny taste of boredom in their ecstasies.
That's my philosophy, and she tells me she is pleased to meet you.

>>21595480
Really good, seems like it has dark british sentiments mixed with their characteristic humor. Not sure if that was your intent but I liked it.
>>21595633
Would provoke a chuckle on any bathroom stall/10
>>21595818
I really like the imagery, I'd also like to hear how it sounds in portuguese.

Tomorrow should my heart explode,
as a petrol-laden nitrate bomb
or simply break apart winnowed,
by the will of God and Fils de l'homme,
Know this-- my only real desire--
To rekindle and inspire--
To be a single drop of rain
Or rapid-rising flood--
To merely die for others' gain
And bathe in evil blood.

>>21595988
nah it's a bit wet. unbritish really

>>21587762
anon I've got serious borderline (BPD) tendencies, I'm not proud of it and I've learned to identify the impulses. I don't know your whole story, and I'm not saying you're BDP as well, but I can tell you your mind can play nasty tricks on you. And those tricks do a lot more damage than the reality you may not be aware of. I say this because of experience

i write a shitty line
and maybe if i try
ill make it kinda rhyme
then kill myself and die
all wg is the same
it tastes and smell like shit
youve only you to blame
now fuck off, you suck, go pop your head like a zit

Didn't write this with the idea of being eloquent. Also, no rhyme or anything. Just stream of consciousness or whatever.

>>21596107
real incel shit

>>21596189
well he's probably talking about himself right?
i agree though it is a bit jarring seeing the 'alpha' patter in poetry

>>21596205
Alpha was used sarcastically. Its self deprecating for precisely the reason you mentioned

>>21595453
How do I learn to see poetry like this

>>21596246
yeah obviously i got that

>>21596279
Right, so it's jarring because...?

>>21596107
>Didn't write this with the idea of being eloquent.
yeah it shows

Good god, I don't think anything in the world makes me cringe harder than /wg/ poetry.
Actually yes there is--/wg/ poetry written by tripfags.

>>21596344
Alright, onus is on you now big boy, let's see those writing chops

>>21596364
your anus is going nowhere near me fagoli

>>21596364
loool bully boy tactics after dumping your purse out on lit about your insecurities around girls

>>21596368
Not what I said lol but I chuckled thanks

>>21596359
What's good poetry? What's especially bad?

>>21596447
>What's good poetry?
TS Eliot
>What's especially bad?
AABB prosaic fruity flyshit such as >>21595289

>>21586420
Pretty cute. I usually tend to avoid these threads because bed meter drives me insane, but you have a decent grasp on it. So I'm glad this time I clicked on the thread.
I think the enjembements in the third stanza are a bit wonky and stick out stylistically, but I like how it pays off by having "The world is fixed" standing on its own. It makes for a strong opener for a line.

>>21596247
I spend a lot of time looking at word etymologies, because it interests me. As for the majority of what I noted, it came about as a matter of reading it a second time with little or no regard for the meaning, and an autistic level of focus placed merely on the flow of the language in itself. Frankly, the fact that I'm a bit dim makes it easy to lean into the part of my brain that just processes sound quicker than I can understand it, if that makes any sense.

>>21596491
Thank you, and i do go out of my way to have some lines scan on their own so im glad you noticed. Its nice to have good readers.

> the enjembements in the third stanza are a bit wonky and stick out stylistically

It's a leftover from when i was determined to have the stanzas match. I like to have a line carry over so i kept it at 8 syllables, but i eventually gave up on it and just put a split quatrain at the end. Its a cheap effect really.

>>21596461
I disagree. Standard formulae increase expression.

It took him many tries to make the dough,
and so there he stood looking rather rough,
Kneading away, the air full of debris,
in a quest to fulfill his hubris,
but in his struggle, his cap he blew,
and so he slept in need of a sew,
and dreamt a poem for him to read,
where in the end he wound up dead.

>>21596602
I like it lmao

Nobody critiqued my poems so I suppose they're unremarkable.
Middle of the road feels like a profound revelation, the curse of my mediocrity.

The faggot prances merrily
Gayness all around
Overwhelming faggotry
Sodomy abound

>>21596625
At least I liked what you just wrote. You conveyed a lot of emotion.

I’m…a little concerned. I opened this thread to immediately find a poem that must have been AI generated. Then the next poem seemed to, at first, to be rwal but then in later half it starts shooting out nonsensical statements.

>>21596800
it's not AI, it's just horrible writing

>>21590373
Cute. Reciprocal love or one-sided?

>>21596655
>The faggot prances merrily
I legitimately really like this line. Great cadence to it. I feel that my tongue is prancing merrily with the faggot.

>>21596882
Mother's milk has soured
The faggot prances merrily
Meth in the early hours
A pillar of society

I like most of what's been posted so far but almost never read or write so can't really provide any meaningful critiques, but I wrote this recently. Found it tricky to get the flow right, especially the melancholy lines.

Okay guys, question; what is a "Haiku"? How does one interpret them?

>>21597127
What do you mean? English original? If so, you really do whatever. The most common form is three lines that go from 5 syllables, to 7, back to five.
>First five syllables
>Next, use seven syllables
>And now five again
In Japanese there is a lot of extra complexity but most of it cannot be translated into English, so when you write haiku in English you can only really imitate things like cutting words/lines or themes. Sometimes rhyme is added when writing in English because it is otherwise extremely bland-- haiku doesn't work very well in other languages.

>>21597127
>>21597143
One more thing, you can combine multiple sets of 5-7-5 to create a narrative in haiku.

>>21597087
>but almost never read or write
the embodiment of /lit/

Much pain is there to see- the child in misery
The man in trench with mouth agape
The woman braced with no escape
Much pain is there to see- no one to set them free
From Industrial Society

>>21595434
Thanks for the attempted read and the compliment on rhyme, I’m glad my critique was agreeable, Concerning the next poem,

>>21586424
Before I go on a line by line level, I notice you attempt with the first 2-3 stanzas to more or less follow the creative process and at the end line try to write a line of a more mysterious almost unrelated characteristic as to produce a mental strangeness in the mind akin to a conceit, but did you give up after the first three? It seems almost more obvious with the first two due to the stops used, in any case line by line.

>Beginning at the concrete slab
>These fibers of a forming mind
>Feel out towards the mundane,

I like your beginning but I think your play of “f” sounds was the easy route, I think another f in the center of the third or no F in the first and then in the middle, to show what I mean

These fibers of a forming mind,
Out of the fallible mundane,
Enfolded with the flame on high,

Etc you get the idea, this can produce a kind of whirl wind of sounds to maintain and have some chaos of alliteration as a life pulse through a stanza, imo.
>Primary colors, a display,

Nice control of meter/rhythm! I would have liked one or two more of these lines, such as

“Primary colors, a display,
Catalogs wasted, as the days, “

And that stop pattern repeated once or twice more imo would give good variety to the continuous sentence-line you’re using.

>Example of outsider art.
>Cave paintings for the modern day-
>A freshness setting us apart.

Again falling into that prosaic problem, first two lines are fine but only fine, there’s no beauty, it’s almost as if they’re just there to unfold a plot, in Milton every line has a rhetorical effect and is meant to be a strike at you, imo this is what is lacking

>This tangle of unfolding lines
No complaint o just think it’s a particularly nice line in contrast but I believe because of it, you can create similar lines throughout the whole verse.


>In unpretentious abstract forms.

Probably the worst line due to how little this could possibly make us see mentally or do with the mouth “unpretentious abstract “ is lmao too abstract, it doesn’t produce any effect.


>Some trace the brickwork and sometime
>Color them in with green and gold.
>And glimpsed among these scattered vines

All liked but it feels almost like its out of place due to the shift in imagery type.

>But seasons change and soon expire
>In creeping walls that wash away
>The mischief autumn days inspire
>And turn my driveway back to gray.

Most mannered bit of the entire poem, would like to see this position taken throughout the entire verse, since you mention Milton, I would suggest a deeper study of his “L'Allegro,” and “Il Penseroso.”

I would go deeper but I got busy in the midst of writing this, apologies.

>>21597127

the actual haiku aesthetic is based on capturing a very subtle phenomena and experience, that at once communicate subtly, a relation between object and subject and most importantly transience.

So the haiku has to feel empty to imply the passing nature of things, because it’s based not in bright color or powerful harsh image but instead on much more subtle things such as a green leaf’s change of color, seeking out much isn’t appropriate.

Now you can simply dislike this style and there’s nothing wrong with that, but there is skill and mastery levels in this.

Example.


From time to time
The clouds give rest
To the moon-beholders.

(Note, Japanese doesn’t even count syllables so the 5-7-5 law is more us coping with not using the same metric system, so it’s fine to use similar short form, but there’s even authors who have incorporated the haiku style into long form prose.)

The first line puts our focus on time and on a passing event, the second line points to a natural object the clouds, themselves a symbol of transience, ever moving and changing, and in the third line the object fixation is transformed into the relation of an object in relation to a subject, the objects being the moon and cloud, the subject being the humans, the moon itself is a symbol of transience due to it having differing phases, thus the passing clouds, for a short amount of time covering the changing moon obscuring and for a time changing the perception of a human.

Basically every single syllable was used to amplify the imagery and conception of change, transience and ended perfectly in the relation of man to nature. That is why basho is a master of the haiku.


Note there are many which do not obey this much and many “free verse haiku” exist.

>>21598071
>(Note, Japanese doesn’t even count syllables so the 5-7-5 law is more us coping with not using the same metric system, so it’s fine to use similar short form, but there’s even authors who have incorporated the haiku style into long form prose.)
Are you referring to morae? Because that's a very misleading statement.

>>21598092
Ye I am referring to morae but getting into quantitative verse would be complicated and how like, “nippon” can have four morae, to say they count syllables like we do With morae is not really 1=1, and I think trying to obey it would be pretty alien to English and what haiku is supposed to sound like, though fundamentally I think the 5/7/5 syllabic lines work fine in English.

Flickering candle

as the wind blows I hear a melody,
flickers the dancing flames of candlelight,
and darkness balms my eyes in clemency,
so too mind moves to be self-analyzed.

marked was the many chains of entities,
the hierarchies that men made rhapsodized,
i knew them but an earthware effigy,
inscribed with words to which I’m acolyte.

half-mooned the light is harsh with levity,
the scintillating worlds men fantasized,
uncreated the light is heavenly,
but more so by illusions magnified.

venus thy finger is of ebony,
i hold the keys of basil valentine,
i know thou but the white wolf brevity,
and in thine hand the sickle saturnine.

sweet Knowledge of the worldly ecstasies,
this is the crest and signet palatine,
to sketch the stellar imaged destiny,
to trace the course of welkined satellites.

poisoned but needless of a remedy,
i know the apogee of appetite,
though in the flames and furies mentally,
nonetheless nothing less shall satisfy.

ah to the quickening of pregnancy,
each world to bursting birth and gratified,
to give its good a lasting legacy,
and to make its evils burn, sacrificed.

at last I spurn not the mind’s tendency,
at last the flickering flame pacified,
in peace to rest in darkness endlessly,
blazing divine this darkness, sanctified.

>>21598130
Fair enough.

>>21586417
Whispers and murmurs echoes through the wires, the world of the
electron and the switch, the beauty of the baud. A light blue glow
radiating. The transformers constant hum, inaudible distant voices.

Outside the rave talking, you hear distant voices, music muddled by
the bass bleeding through the walls. Time is moving slow. In the
background people laughing, loud voices, confrontations, discussions,
things are happening, speed up but slowed down. Warm summer night
walking through the empty city. Like a factory at night, assembly
lines stand still, that which once was busy, now powered off.

Twenty year old conversations, frozen in time, paused, trails of
someone long gone. The future looking back, alone, finds comfort in
the past. During the night, in the distant past, time stands still.
The ever present chatter, intersecting agencies and the incomprehensibly
chaotic movement, asleep, revealing what remains and what really is.

>>21598536
Feels like I read this from somewhere before

>>21598536
were you really around during the 90s rave scene?
are you uk?

>>21586417
would appreciate feedback

Whirlwinds of static humming
Bounce photons off melodies
That cull will’s grand striving
Torn from detestable perching
Thrust from aeons of false grace
Circuitry signs the morphing age
Harmonious shackles gel avatars
And avatars rend angels’ flesh
Apologists hook their fanged barbs
While vultures pluck the omniscient
For his comforting lies of close heat
Entrusting their proximity as sacred
Dangerously absorb fractal reflection
Man’s loneliness flees to his bosom
To find smoke and staunch blackness
Cores and mechanical revolutionaries
Swirl around hazy vapor remembrances
Of wolves stalking outside hamlets
And pilgrims trudging towards pyres
Which remain only as flickering embers
Dashed and stomped by nobility
In towers made from records kept
The chain expands and grips to all
Removal attempts quickens the capture
Dissipated instructions lies dormant
From god-heads to false eared saints
Buzzing out of rebounded monitors

>>21598923
Nah, Sweden.

There is actually a pretty big underground rave scene today, not very
large raves, but around 30-120 people big, mostly psytrance, minimal
techno and house. Here there are around 1-3 raves per month, and i
live in a city with a around 250k population.

>>21598976
Pretty mediocre, but that's just my opinion

>>21599214
yeah you still get raves in london (jungle, ukg, etc). what’s it like in swe, still doing Es and stuff?

>>21586420
Is there a reason the first three stanzas open with a tetrameter, but the fourth stanza opens with the same pentameter that all other lines have? It seems a bit arbitrary, but not entirely. I do think it does something with the poem, but I cannot quite put my finger on what. I guess it makes the fourth stanza seem more "final", so to speak?

>>21596461
Elliot is basic bitch shit

>>21600392
Yeah, some people do. Most of us has used it so much that we don't get
much effects, today nitrous oxide is pretty popular, 3-CMC is
extremely popular here (a really shitty cathinone). I have moved on
from E, but i still do speed and stuff since i love to dance.

Since it's so fucking cold during the autumn, winter and spring, the
raves are usually inside before May and after August). To get around
regulations and stuff, most arrangers have their own private premises
so that they don't have to seek permission from the government etc.
But in the summer we have forest raves, which are fantastic. I usually
don't go to larger raves, mostly underground <150 people raves.

I have some friends who are involved in arranging raves, and one of my
close friends is a Psytrance DJ, so i sometimes get offered to help
out setting up raves in exchange for free entry, i have even "worked"
as a doorman / security guard for a rave once.

Man, i love Jungle. Too bad its seemingly not very popular here, Here
they usually play House (which i'm not to fond of), Psytrance is
alright though, but i feel that nothing can compare to Jungle.

>>21601384
Is this a poem?