/lit/ - Literature

>>21530805
>thread theme
OP is s faggot

>show, not tell
Is this the biggest meme in writing "advice"?

>>21530810
52 seconds passed between the posting of the OP and your whining.
That's enough time for you to figure out you didn't like the theme, eh?
And to think I was worried you were just a mindless crab.

>>21530544
>Does a story need to have a conflict
No. All a story needs is a character with a goal - and character can be loosely defined. Oftentimes a conflict may be inevitable simply due to the nature of reality, but it's not required.
As an example let's consider a story about a woman going to the post office to mail a letter. She leaves her house with a freshly written letter in a sealed envelope. She gets in her car, drives down, stands in line, buys some stamps and then mails the letter. If you wanted external conflict you could have any number of issues appear, but they're not necessary. If you want more of internal conflict, or offscreen conflict, you could have the contents of the letter weighing on her mind and she's debating whether or not she should even send the letter out. But none of that is necessary. Maybe she's sending out a bunch of letters, invitations, to celebrate some happy occasion. In this case the story would be completely upbeat with no conflict whatsoever. But it's still a story because the character has an objective.

Where's the line for crossing into plagiarism and how long is the grace period for making a soft "spiritual remake" of someone's story that you ended up dissatisfied with

>>21530873
considering fanfiction is a thing I'd say it's almost impossible to plagiarize a work of fiction. the better question is: what made you so dissatisfied with the original work? fixing the actual root cause of that flaw within the story may drastically alter how things go and make your "spiritual remake" completely different.

stealing paragraphs word for word wholecloth would probably be frowned on tho

>>21530918
What if you steal the basic plot structure and only change details?

What kind of story would be best featuring the Kowloon walled city?

>>21530928
an isekai fantasy

>>21530923
You can steal the plot but it has to diverge from the original at least mid way, otherwise who is going to read a completely unoriginal story that is well known to all.

Someone, please tell me what they think of this.
Also, I'm thinking of using descriptions of eyes a lot in my story for characterization and how characters change over time. But I'm not sure if it reads too much like a cliche. Any general thoughts about my writing are appreciated as well. Sorry if it's too short of an excerpt.

>>21530934
Why?

>>21530991
I don't want to read a story that I know how it's going to develop from the very beginnning to the very end.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-Wo2qMrb7dtI99EKwn_lDfMRjNuLbX_tnu5O4sDI0ec/edit?usp=sharing

Just being a faggot and shilling my story. Where's a good place to hopefully make a few bucks from it?

>>21531001
If you can rewrite it in a way that it has no (main and supporting) female characters, basically completely changing and rewriting characters and any relatdd plot/story details, and no sex scenes I might pay money for a copy.

how do i come up with a nonshallow villain motivation? it's so hard but i love when villains are fleshed out and not just some 2d evil overlord. any referral to resources will help

>>21530918
The general structure is the same but the characters, themes, individual plots, arcs etc are all different, ASOIAF is not the story I'm displeased with but if it were here's how my story would be similar to it (I'm using it because I figure everyone is roughly familiar with how it goes)
>a lowly young man finds out he's crucial to stopping a looming fantastical monster threat and can use it to leverage the outcome on the whole world which brings him into conflict with his loved one who has her own ideas on what the world order should be
Everything else would be different, i.e. no medieval setting or kings and queens or dragons, the monsters are not ice zombies (or zombies of any kind), the man isn't a moralfag, the woman isn't insane, there are no overt political themes or metaphors or plots, the universe is more metaphysical rather than realistic, etc. Also I believe the similarities would only become apparent in the latter half, and the outcome would be kind of the same structurally but fundamentally different when it comes to the larger implications.

>>21530928
In a dystopian society where the protagonist is framed for a crime and thrown inside the anarchist walled city/ghetto/prison where he slowly rises in ranks and unites the oppressed inhabitants to lead a revolution and overthrow the tyrannical government.

>>21531001
Give a synopsis anon before we open it.

>>21530948
It doesn't make any sense. How can snow mute everything around her but she can still hear her watch? Why does her watch sound like cracking snow? Is she schizophrenic?

How do I write a character with differing beliefs from my own? Up to, and including, a character with religious beliefs I don't share?

>>21531063
Meditate until you drop your ego, empathizing with other peoples' mindsets becomes much easier without bias

>>21531038
>>21531001

The Knights of Valora vow to protect the world of Tymber from any that will burn it. Adah Phenric, the Knight of Serenity, accepts a mission to assassinate a Lich --- a monster of no origins, or any clues revealing its nature. Something goes wrong and the rest of her team disappears alongside the Lich. Adah now must investigate the disappearance. She becomes involved in a case that reveals the origins of the world, the origins of the Lich and ultimately stop him and his sinister plot to return the world back to the rightful Goddess... Nature herself.

>>21531027
>The general structure is the same but the characters, themes, individual plots, arcs etc are all different
so it's completely different in basically every way. get your head out of your ass no one is going to read your story and see any direct parallels whatsoever

>>21531026
Consider reading Reverend Insanity (the first 200 chapters will suffice)
The main character is also a villain and gets a lot of screen time. There is a lot to copy and analyze, to understand what makes him such a villain.

>>21531119
*great villain

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpWKp-fnZuU

This has been very helpful

>>21531026
Common non-overlord villain motivations include:
1) Insecurity (i.e. get them before they get me)
2) Monomania (i.e. will uphold one ideal at the expense of everything else)
3) Acting decisively on insufficient data

>>21531026
don't read 200 chapters of some bullshit.
what is the villain doing in your story, how exactly, is he going to be villainous?

>>21531141
don't forget good old fashioned greed or selfishness or a desire for revenge or a strong loathing of something. life can often be a zero sum game, in certain respects

>>21531119
>villain
Fang Yuan is a hero in a hellish world.

>>21531026
Opposite problem here.
How do I drop depth from my villain and make him a cardboard cutout to intensify the emotional catharsis from his failure?

>>21531201
The qualities of a hero can also apply to a villain.

https://pastebin.com/tPyBxktR

>>21531451
It's just too dense.

>>21531451
>The rippling river water reflected the sun invitingly.

Emilyanon... Why would you write this? But I must admit I laughed.

also you need to fix your formatting.

>>21531177
Those would be the "overlord" villain motivations.

>>21531665
>FasterFuriouser remarked "they wouldn't add the feature if they didn't want people to consummate with their robot.

Would you consummate with your robots?

>>21531718
There's a whole nonfiction book on that subject.

>>21531665
>Bio-holes
God fuck, get the internet away from literature

>>21531843
Can you go at least six hours without posting about, you fucking moron

>>21531061
He put "except" in there, anon.

>>21531061
Well, if you've ever been somewhere where it's snowing, then you'd know that you can't really hear ambient noise around you, but you can hear yourself shuffling or noises that are on your person. Also I don't think it's unreasonable to say the ticking of the watch sounds like ice cracking. Haven't you ever looked at a cloud and thought it looked like an animal or something? I think you can listen to sounds and think they sound like something else.

>>21530928
Some 24-esque story.

>>21531425
Why would you want to polish a turd? It's just another piece of meandering, masturbatory first person kvetching by an incel with no life experience
All stories written in the 1st person are just the private journals of the people who write them and these threads deserve better

Any romanian anon(s) here?
I'd like to talk with people from my country who have the same interest in writing as me. This seems to be the only place with somewhat mature people, as opposed to wattpad, royal road and other forums which are virtually dead.

>>21532400
>these threads deserve better
false
but go ahead and post your writing. lift us out of this darkness

>>21529945
What's there to say after reading five chapters? It plays out much like a YA fiction mixed with over-the-top B-movie horror shlock.

There are a few instances where the characters dialogue just has "ahhh!" while also stating they've screamed / shouted. It feels redundant.
It's unclear why the protagonists continue to feel responsible for Chase, even after she continues to straight up murder people in public light.

https://pastebin.com/Tngp80ZW

Rate my SF /fantasy/ webnovel story outline.

What do you do when you completely crash as a writer and find yourself unable to rebuild momentum, discipline or passion?

I don't want to turn into one of those broken people who goes decades without making progress in a novel but these past four years have been really hard for me and I've seen so many accomplished writers fall into this death spiral and never recover. I know the things I tell myself matter but I've struggled so much both getting help and helping myself.

what if I don't even really believe my situation is fixable?

>>21532621
>outline
no thanks. I'll give it a gander when you've written a chapter

>>21532659
>woe is me
either you sit down and do something about it or you keep abusing substances and porn. you are the one holding yourself back. it's all on you

>>21532704
Updoot

>>21530948
I want to like it but it just doesn't quite come off. Like the other anon says, parts of it don't make sense. Particularly the eyes moving like polar seas and the snow muting everything but her watch. It's just a little too odd to work. But I liked the description of the sound of the watch. You've also used the wrong wondered/wandered. As for your question, I find descriptions of eyes to be extremely tedious and pretty cliche.

>>21531026
Just imagine the people you despise in real life and go to wherever they congregate, then study their logic.

For instance the villain in my story is heavily inspired by western Chinese nationalists so while researching I was observing and experimenting on the fascinating amebas found on lemmygrad

>https://paste.toolforge.org/view/91afb184
Reposting. Could use some feedback on this extremely fucking long poem, or however far you get into it. I will reply with critique to anyone who wants it.

>>21532621

It is an outline which exists.

Now, your mileage may vary based on genre, story telling convention and so-forth, but what you've outlined here sounds like a succession of stories rather than one coherent story told well. It feels like you're bursting with ideas but the ideas aren't related to eachother, they are just chronological points on a line you've drawn.

Try to plot out, predict even, for instance, how many words it will take you to share the story of
>A story about man who got fed up with world and just started pursuing what he really wanted (arc 0)
and how that dove tails in to
>he became an AI researcher who created advanced AI, it was a long and difficult process with lots of struggle(arc 1)

Those aren't chapter sized concepts. They're circus tents for you to put the story inside of. This outline however lacks clowns and elephants and clowcars and pretentious men in velvet jackets to populate the circus tent.

Also, this entire paragraph is baffling
>There are several themes, one of them is human struggle, and betrayal, plenty of people in time of great danger show huge potential and sacrifice for greater good while many others try to capitalise on it, manipulate the heroes to save themselves (after making deal with MC), of course they are being used, they help mc to destroy the leaders and the heroes and instead of promised rewards they get death. One example, some courageous men become pillars of it humanity but then some strategically placed roasties turn them into dumb unthinking coomers and trick them into white knighting that way destroying any chance of survival.

it reads like an AI-generated writing snippet that someone interceded in to seed with 4chan aphorisms so that the lingo would dupe a casual inspector. If this is how your prose reads, you're going to have a bad fucking time buddy.

>>21533393
Thanks for the feedback

>>21532621
Even as an outline it's poorly written. The prose is unbearably bad. I tried but failed to finish even the first paragraph, which is a feat for something that only consists of two paragraphs. It gives only the barest summary of people, places, and things about which I've been given no reason to care.

What did you expect to hear? Write the fucking thing if you want people to look at your ideas.

>>21533530
>The prose is unbearably bad.
Rude. That was my best prose

I'm going to completely immerse myself in my main book until I finish it

>>21533530
>>21533393
Oh boy a critic. can you shit on my story too?
>>21531001

>>21533278
The unfortunate thing is nobody really knows how to read or understand poetry. From what I understand this is just another woe is me please ligma nuts because I'm so misunderstood piece. And I grew bored of it because I honestly don't give a shit about your life or struggle. Give me a fun epic with fantastical characters and a journey, not a shitty woman's whining piece. This is written for you and you alone. I'm interested in pieces written for others.

>>21533720
>woe is me please ligma nuts because I'm so misunderstood piece
I'm not going to get super combative with you, except to say that this is a mischaracterization. It's a frame narrative and exists within a larger piece as written by my novel's protagonist.

>>21530805
miniMAG Issue28
featuring real art for a change
>What even is this?
weekly literature magazine
send submissions to minimagsubmissions@gmail.com
full back catalogue available at minimag.space

>>21533918
>>21530948
it’s not as bad as the other anons are making it sound. the ice cracking/watch ticking thing was some good imagery
just write more

>>21533920
send more art/poetry/stories/pics of your mom to:
minimagsubmissions@gmail.com

>>21533921

>>21533924
>>21531665
i giggled, how does it end?

>>21533926
full issues at minimag.space

>>21533929
>>21532621
write a story, then write another story, then write another, then many more, then meld them together and they are called chapters and you have a book

>>21533930

>>21533935
i looked at all the writing in this thread. i looked at 3 things. there are 74 replies to this thread right now.

Write a short story from this line:
>And you take on the dreams of the ones who have slept here.

>>21533940
send stuff:
minimagsubmissions@gmail.com
issues:
minimag.space

>>21533876
It certainly doesn't sound like it

>>21530805

New here and would like to ask two questions.

What is the difference between Adventure and Action plots in your opinion.

And how does one focus on creating the story first rather than the setting beyond minumum needed.

>>21530812
yes

>>21530928
Magical realist gang wars

>>21533941
>>21533941
A magic pillow, one that allows me to see the dreams of others - as so said the witch. I didn't believe her, but out of pity and charity I decided to buy the pillow.
I returned home tossed the pillow on the couch and promptly forgot about it.
Months later I decided to take a nap. Using the pillow as my headrest I entered a deep sleep.
Odd, my dreams are changing. I looked down and saw two amazing breasts. So I'm a girl in this dream. The room shifted. There were butterflies and posters. I know this room. It's my sister's. Another strange shift and I found myself looking at the darkest nigger I've ever seen.
Wait a minute I thought...
He wrapped his arms around my or should I say me in my sister's dream and proceeded to ravish the pussy I was given. It was quick , but it dawned on me, my sister is a lover of big black cocks and now I am as well. So dear reader enjoy this pillow for and you take on the dreams of the ones who have slept here.

>>21531026
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DOXQ3qTvpqo

The hero of their own story. It's just that they will do things that our hero finds reprhensible or conflict with the other goals. For example, I fight for an enemy nation. You fight for your own logic can be the absolute same. They can be trying to compete for the same thing such as a woman, sword, last box of gloves at a store. This doesn't confer moral rightness if both are equal in mentality. It can be in a morally grey way or a morally white way. Rommel and Saladin are considered to be chivalrous commanders who were worthy opponents to men equal to their ability and devotion. Or for comedy considering the clip I posted. Where the character we know more was a violent unhinged brute.

Shallowness is something that is expected and not deep. It can be simply due to pettiness which makes a villain extremely loathsome if they have gone all this way to ruin the protagonist's day simply because of a minor inconvience. But when you do that, you need to either own up the villain is this petty all the time and how do they get away with it. Or don't. And the effects of things it has on them. Usually extremely petty people don't succeed in life.

An easy explanation is that they were neglected or wronged. I will take real life here, Theranos was a fraudulent bio-med company. The woman who founded it and spoke in a weird deep voice for reasons. Chose to get involved in a field where a family friend who mentored her was doing legimitate work in and then claimed impossible things. He thus swore to ruin her. Partly out of responability and possibly out of vindictiveness due losing out.

>>21530928
A fake biography on the illegal funeral parlors there.

>>21530812
I feel like it completely removes the reader as a co-creator of his mental image. If you say a tree looks scary, the reader can paint whatever he wants in his mind and be part of the creation of the world. But if you ramble on about branches looking like finger bones and shit, the reader is disempowered and fed both image and conclusion.

>>21533941
I hobbled into the small studio, and passed out on the floor spilling what remained in the empty bourbon bottle. When my head hit the ground I fell into a dreamy stupor filled with zeppelins and Model T's. When I finally came to, an old man was sitting in the room. He smoked a pipe. The room was so smoky it looked like the whole building was about to blow. I panicked and went to hide under the staircase, but I couldn't open the door to get to it. The old man started walking toward me, smoking his pipe. He had a big grin on his face. As he got closer I found myself in the woods, surrounded by trees not native to my home.

Men with headdresses and brown skin flew in from their tree houses, swooping in from the melancholy fog and ignoring my presence. The ropes they dropped in from were made of centipedes and rattle snakes. Planes that looked straight from world war two could be heard flying overhead, gunshots and bombs and the sweet smell of sulfur filled the air. I moved forward trying to get out, and in a clearing was a small shack. I ran to it, dodging the bullets, and when I got to the door I was again unable to open it.

The sky cracked open and lightning was striking all around me, a log caught fire. It lit up the ground and stopped the rain, it kept me warm but was inflicting pain. I couldn't trust this fire, so I had to get away from it - and so I did. I ran and I ran until I found myself in a large city. The skyscrapers towered over me, and I looked like a tourist seeing all these buildings. Maybe I was a tourist? It all seemed so familiar to me. I found an old brick building, the door was wide open. I went in and hobbled up the stairs, and into a small studio. I passed out on the floor, dreaming of drinking more bourbon.

>>21531001
Read the first chapter. The entire thing feels pretty amateurish. The prose are passable but nothing stands out, and there are serious problems with you telling rather than showing. The world is extremely generic. Knights hunt monsters using mana, and the technology level is vaguely medieval, with some anachronisms here and there. Nothing I haven't seen before

>>21533941

>>21533941

I awoke to utter blackness, I commanded that my arm raise itself for the lamp besides my head but it refused me. Only my eyes scanning about with increasing frenzy could move. The floor underneath me creaked. It kept then cracked. A childish voice rang out echoing in this coffin that I found myself in.

"Jack didn't run away, you let him go on the train tracks."

In a long hiss then broken by a sudden flash of light. The voice belonged to a scrawny, naked thing. Its nose was as long as a knife, its ears were like a dog's, and it had no eyes...just a set of teeth which reflected back the lightning. Each tooth was arrayed as if it was part of a broken picket fence. It laid with its legs dangling over the ruptured floor with its board raised into the air. "Who are you to say such a thing?" I roared back only to find my mouth unwilling to open. I instead made a muffled gargle.

"Can't lie when you can't speak."

It giggled as raindrops began to fall, going from a few drops until they drowned out all sound. I could only feel after a pause that lasted eternity. Breath that was not my own my own above my eyes which could not see. My body unresponsive as a broken light switch. Then came another flash. My eyes met where it would have eyes. Its head was curved down with its dagger nose pointing to my chest. It hanged over me, falling slowly like disturbed dust.

I closed my eyes and opened them. Flickering them as that was the only power I had. And eventually. As the creature's talons dropped onto my chest and scraped. I fell out of bed into the dark. My limbs responding, my mouth opened. I groped for the lamp. Pulling on the cord, dragging it to the floor with a crash. Still, it turned on. The old wood floor was intact. The sable curtains were closed over the windows. I put on my shoes and grabbed my things. I walked out the door onto the street. Staring back across from the concrete sidewalk to the iron gate and ancestral estate. The beedy eyes of a miserable bigheaded man stared into me as the streetlights shined on him. The plaque which bore his image said with pride. "Edgar Allen Poe Slept Here."

>>21534051
The real problems start the show in regards to the plot and characters and plot. The characters are all bland to the point of almost being place holders rather than people. The main character is pretty bland, but she's a master class in character work compared to her teammates. All I know about them is that the leader guy is pretty competent and the other guy is kind of a creep. The other girl is basically just there to fill space. The things that stand out the most about them are their combat roles. This is all made so much worse by the fact that the inciting incident of the plot is their disappearance. The readers have no reason at all to care about them and we hardly know what their relationship with the mc is even like

>>21533958
adventure features exploration/discovery as a major part of the story and there may not even be that much 'action' involved. action focuses on fights or events first and foremost. as a stupid example the YuGiOh anime is action oriented, not an adventure. sure they go off to the island but every episode boils down to the card game 'action'. if it were an adventure they'd spend more time discovering pieces of lore and mystery while wandering around the island and less time playing a children's card game

>how does one focus on creating the story first rather than the setting beyond minumum needed
focus on characters and character motivations first. build your setting one room/scene at a time based on what the characters are trying to accomplish. add bits and pieces of worldbuilding that don't require too much retconning later on, but you're invariably going to have to go back and smooth out some of the details so there are no contradictions

>>21534009
Somebody else gets it! I'm more terrified when the writer gives me room to fill in the blank. Telling provides a question, showing requires a question.

I'm writing two stories that feature supportive LIs and I'm having trouble differentiating them in the outline. I suspect I'm giving myself fatigue worrying so much in the outlining phase and differences will sprout as I write them. Am I wrong? It feels like I over thought them.

>>21534131
if you're spending more than a couple hours on the initial outline you're doing it wrong. an outline is a tool to help focus your creative direction, but it shouldn't be a straitjacket. find the starting point, have an idea where you want it to go and then start drafting. update your outline accordingly after the fact.

>>21534110
And the plot is somewhat nonsensical. It starts off fine enough, with the knights going to fight the lich. The problem is that after successfully ambushing the lich the mc just walks away. What? Why? You would think a professional monster slayer would know the importance of having backup, regardless of how well things are going. And, hilariously, in the time it takes her to walk back to camp, she never once realizes that the fight, that should of been finished in a second, is still apparently ongoing. From the way it's described the fight with the lich should of been over almost the second the mc turned around, yet she doesn't realize something's wrong until nightfall. Why? The inciting incident of the plot should not be this poorly written

>>21534131
>supportive LIs
Localization interns?

>>21534162
love interests
and the way he should differentiate them is to give one nice big cans and have the other be petite

>>21534117

The stupid example works. And KISS is a golden rule.

>focus on characters and character motivations first. build your setting one room/scene at a time based on what the characters are trying to accomplish. add bits and pieces of worldbuilding that don't require too much retconning later on, but you're invariably going to have to go back and smooth out some of the details so there are no contradictions
I'll post what I got so far. Any commentary is fine.

Main Character:

Solitary smuggler and mercenary. Wears cutting edge alien biotech armored suit. Driven by desire to do his duty in the form of jobs he takes based on risk/reward. Lives entirely off oddjobs and cultivating a reputation deliberately. Reserved, contemplative, tactical. Thinks a lot and his suit joins him in on that. Backstory and apperance beyond being a HUman who is old/young enough to be doing this is completely unneeded. He does not talk about his past before he got the suit, if so rarely.

Sidekick Character:
Tapped into main characters spine, they have no privacy between eachother. Gendered female because...well. It just makes sense. Fiery, stubborn, and petty. Keeps our protagonist alive in more ways that one. The suit is a life support system and our protagonist ain't doing good in that department. Sadomaschoistic. Comes with being a weapon of war and being battered by it. Intended as the foil character.

Initial Story Objective:
Transport flash frozen corpses to be eaten by carrion birds on another planet as an alien culture of migrant workers on a planet need this done to have their dead pass onto the afterlife. They are offering a large bounty to do this and supply of quality rations. Inspired by the issues contemporary Zorasterians have in India. They have no vultures to eat their dead due to pesticides killing them.

Initial Story Conflict:
Space pirates jumped our protagonist while travelling to gain the corpses to be eaten by decadent alien crimelords, as a novelty. He must outwit them and get the cargo to the migrant worker homeplanet so the birds can eat the dead correctly then return said bones.

Initial Setting:
Space opera, adventure. Pulpy, different galaxy uses whatever science isn't annoying to the story but isn't completely unbelievable. Humans arrived via space anaomly and made a colony. Considered a secondary power. Cold war between larger hegemonic species. Some slug snakes and toad wasps.

Initial Scene:
Debating whether to begin in an argument between the suit and its pilot or a very humble business meeting arranged the deal with said migrant worker aliens.

>>21534177
I will add onto this.

Big cans is smart. The Petite is dumb.

>>21533956
Honestly, going off what you said... how would you know? By your own admission, you don't know how to read poetry and don't understand it. I don't know why people go out of their way to face strong opinions on things they don't understand. Can anyone at least tell me what they think about the writing itself? I really don't give a shit what anyone thinks of the content. No matter what ideas or content you write, some people are probably going to dislike it. Nothing pleases everyone, so why try? This is the writing general, not the Did I Like This Idea general.

>>21534238
I guess the only issue is your MC doesn't have a goal. yeah he's given a job (transporting the dead to be eaten is an interesting job with a lot of potential emotional weight) and he's a professional, but I don't know why he's taking on jobs in the first place - for money, I guess - but I don't know what he wants to do with the money.

I'd start with the meeting, or just before the meeting, with the suit providing color commentary. A wrinkle you may want to add is that one of the corpses is a VIP that the client is using the MC to get rid of it. The corpse contains a tracking device (the client may or may not know about this) which is how the space pirates jumped the MC. Just a thought.

>>21534302
>>21534238
It could be interesting if the MC wants to do something else with the corpses, like maybe he needs them to power the suit or somebody else wants them or something.

How much am I allowed to change a character's personality as part of their development?

>>21534376
I will not allow it at all.

>>21534376
changes should be in proportion to the setbacks and difficulties and trauma you inflict

My brain is taking its time processing this.

>>21534302

>I guess the only issue is your MC doesn't have a goal.
A character has to build up something or be on a quest which the accumulation of wealth, experience,and glory results to something.

>transporting the dead to be eaten is an interesting job
General goal is to have interesting assignments which buck the usual odd jobs these types get but still some of those because they work.

>I don't know why he's taking on jobs in the first place - for money, I guess
The money thus has to go beyond upkeep. Perhaps a taste for fine food, self funded archeological efforts, supports a charity, is invested in a business, trying to buy a pardon, or simply because he is a lunatic who likes amassing more weapons, vehicles, and tools for the job because he loves it. Your point is correct, the money is a key thing to these types. So unless he uses the money to do pro bono work for less rewarding jobs. There was a Star Wars Comic where Boba Fett takes a job for cheap from the last alien of a race killed by an Imperial Holocaust ship simply because it was the entire fortune of a dying people, his code of morality dedictated he must, these people he is killing are bad, and also this is a great reputation booster after failure and working for said Empire. It's an assignment from hell. It's going to the ass end of space, on a suicide mission. Perhaps it can be like that then.

>I'd start with the meeting, or just before the meeting, with the suit providing color commentary.
Perfect. Thanks.

>A wrinkle you may want to add is that one of the corpses is a VIP that the client is using the MC to get rid of it. The corpse contains a tracking device (the client may or may not know about this) which is how the space pirates jumped the MC.
Adds the complication that they were to be stolen at an earlier point possibly or more interesting that one of them as important info on them that is highly valued. Hence the tracking device. Going on from that. Perhaps there is femme fatale trying to sneak on and steal it back with the pirates. Adds more tension and plot. Also the suit can be a petty woman.

>>21534316
Maybe, but meat is usually meat. And I doubt the equivalent of Guetamalans is that tasty or nutritous. Not a bad idea in the future.

Anybody want to take a look at the outline / plot summary for my science fiction novel? https://pastebin.com/hN6EP4n2

just tell me if anything is stupid or doesn't make sense

>>21534438
Nothing sticks out as stupid but why would you dedicate months to flesh out this basic YA schlock? Is it an attempted cash grab?

Is outline writing "real" writing? I wrote like 8k words the other day but most of it was outlining...

>>21534009
>>21534120
Obviously every single line doesn't need to be descriptive. But you need to be able to paint a picture to immerse the reader in the story.

>>21534438
It works but we need more info on how the simulation fighting works. The digital age fatigues us here. Why can't it be real combat? How do these games work. How much luck, it sounds like this all skill pro-gaming but pro-gaming is pretty bad in some ways. These games they use for TRIAL aren't going to be fun. They're going to be truncated and arranged perfectly for a balanced test of skills and wits. The games Nez plays should be the ones that adjacent to the TRIAL ones and more niche.

To use human games.

Chess be a game played at Trials in equivalence, Chess is simple learn...and each skill level is harder to master. A lot harder. Abstract games without chance are the simplest and strongest form that allows skill ceiling. This is why Chess ain't going away. It's a game with an easy ability to work itself up despite being solved at the highest levels.

Now let's go with video games. Okay. They have a lot more fiddly bits and issues. Such as having easier to use metas. Chess has numerous strategies because how simple it is. A videogame being complex has an inverse issue. Less is more for a reason.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO9LJ-oMosg
Pro C&C Generals Zero Hour.

The USA Air Force is favored massively because the meta for the USA is to use Humvees with fully loaded missile launcher guys in them with their upgrades which outclass tanks in damage. Air Force doesn't get tanks. They get better versions of the Chinook which transports guys and collects resources (and can combat shoot), attack helicopters who can get stealth which prevents them from dying as quick, and the best jet in the game. Also amazing support powers which can't be beat and they detect stealth from air.

The GLA Demolitions is not favored. They can plant bombs and blow things up more. They lose access to residual toxin damage, vehicles cost more, and lack the ability to be as stealthy. They are a downgrade to their base faction. The way they win is simply by microing explosives units way better. More damage by a lot, but they lack many things. The GLA's meta spam is using AA bearing Quad Cannons that can kill anything in enough number for good cost ratio. They also destroy aircraft which is the GLA hard counter and prevent infantry spam better than anthrax does.

Watch it and think on this, if you're going to write simulation combat. You're going to have to figure out how pro-gaming works.
>>21534493
I felt the protagonist had some actual adversity and complications. The YA line is true.

>>21534110
>>21534159
Thanks anon.
>The problem is that after successfully ambushing the lich the mc just walks away. What?
The idea was to make her seem like a haughty bitch. Okay okay I'll make it even more generic where the lich casts a spell and teleports everyone but her away.
> The readers have no reason at all to care about them and we hardly know what their relationship with the mc is even like
Last time I set up an entire exposition about them being basically cops arresting people, then get a Lich to investigate, but reddit said it was boring and the inciting incident wasn't early enough.

>>21533278
Anyone feel like giving a read of something that isn't sci-fi, fantasy, or outline theorycrafting? I would appreciate a set of eyes. I will return any critique.

>>21534598
I don't think you necessarily need more info on that, it depends on how it's written. I think it's enough to just allude to some of the specifics as to how it works, you don't need a full autism breakdown of every single facet of it. It's enough to say 'these guys play Quake 3 over everything instead of fighting wars' or whatever.

>>21534652
Word count? If it's short, I will look at it.

>>21534659
Anywhere from one to fifty-five hundred words. It's not looking for your lifelong commitment in holy matrimony. Just as far as you get I'd appreciate.

>>21534662
I shall review the first 6 six words then. If I am pleased, I will continue.

>>21534655
There are two approaches steal from actual pro-games or make rules enough. The games being described is an angle to win with and on. But it's your choice.

Some remarks that W. G. Sebald reportedly made in his last creative writing class before he died:

>You need to set things very thoroughly in time and place unless you have good reasons [not to]. Young authors are often too worried about getting things moving on the rails, and not worried enough about what’s on either side of the tracks.

>A sense of place distinguishes a piece of writing. It may be a distillation of different places. There must be a very good reason for not describing place.

>Meteorology is not superfluous to the story. Don’t have an aversion to noticing the weather.

>It’s very difficult, not to say impossible, to get physical movement right when writing. The important thing is that it should work for the reader, even if it is not accurate. You can use ellipsis, abbreviate a sequence of actions; you needn’t laboriously describe each one.

>You sometimes need to magnify something, describe it amply in a roundabout way. And in the process you discover something.

>‘Significant detail’ enlivens otherwise mundane situations. You need acute, merciless observation.

>Oddities are interesting.

>Characters need details that will anchor themselves in your mind.

>A tight structural form opens possibilities. Take a pattern, an established model or sub-genre, and write to it. In writing, limitation gives freedom.

>Every sentence taken by itself should mean something.

>Writing should not create the impression that the writer is trying to be ‘poetic’.

>It’s easy to write rhythmical prose. It carries you along. After a while it gets tedious.

>Avoid sentences that serve only to set up later sentences.

>Don’t revise too much or it turns into patchwork.

>Lots of things resolve themselves just by being in the drawer a while.

>By all means be experimental, but let the reader be part of the experiment.

>Fiction should have a ghostlike presence in it somewhere, something omniscient. It makes it a different reality. [What the fuck does this one mean?]

>>21534687
What terrible advice. He's saying basically to tell and not show!

>>21534687
>‘Significant detail’ enlivens otherwise mundane situations. You need acute, merciless observation.
How about not making me read about mundane situations in the first place?

>>21533926
>i giggled, how does it end?
He gives up because 4chan and reddit are useless and just experiments with the Emily Robot himself.

>contest i'm interested in has $27 submission fee
would i be a complete sucker to submit to that? i mean what the fuck
it's not even about the money, it's the principle. or do i have to whore myself out regardless

>>21534771
>entry fee
>am I a sucker
possibly. link? and what's the prize?

I am announcing a lit contest. write a short story - 2.5k to 5k words - about a character with a secret desire. Winner gets kudos and goes down in history as a bretty cool guy and gets added to the magazine that other guy has been shilling here.
Entrance fee of $20
:^)

>>21534800
https://blacklawrencepress.com/submissions-and-contests/the-big-moose-prize/
money and publication. they have an open reading period in june that i assume is free but i really want to start getting my manuscript out there. i've already submitted to three presses
>>21534814
lol

>Revise bad scene
>Revision is just as bad
I hate editing so much

>>21534876
just write it correctly the first time so you don't have to edit

>>21534821
If they provided feedback on your submission regardless of whether you won or not, then I'd say the $27 dollar fee would be more than worth it - just a short paragraph saying what they liked or didn't would be fine - but I'm not sure that they do that. Whatever, $27 isn't a lot. If you have it laying around you may as well.

>>21534903
>$27 isn't a lot
What's it like being rich? Holy shit, how is it possible to instantly reveal yourself like this?

>>21534650
No problem
>I'll make it even more generic where the lich casts a spell and teleports everyone but her away
Generic is better than stupid. Just remember to have a good reason why the mc is teleported.
>but reddit said it was boring and the inciting incident wasn't early enough
Perhaps it was boring because of how you did it? You don't need a entire prologue. You just need enough to make your readers care. I'd suggest drawing out the search for the lich. While the knights are walking through the wilderness flesh out their characters. Also cut out everything that isn't immediately relevant, or find a way to tie it into characterization.

>>21535013
Prices have gone up considerably over the last year. If you view a one time expenditure of $27 dollars as an sum that necessitates being budgeted out you should be using your spare time to pick up cans on the freeway instead of browsing 4chan. Let's see, in my shirt pocket right now I have $253. Only in the mind of a literal child or pure pleb would that make me rich.

>>21535064
Instead of acknowledging your, dare I say it, privilege, you deflect and attempt to downplay it because you live in security and luxury.

>>21535098
i live in cum and farting

>>21535064
Ngl your shill game needs work

>>21535112
if I were shilling some shitty contest that required a completed novel I wouldn't be doing it on /lit/ that's for sure. LOL

This story sucks. I give up. Back to writing shit with no potential for success

>>21535098
$30 isn't nothing, but it's not expensive. I give myself maybe $50 a week to spend on fun stuff, like dinner out, to go see a film, to buy something new or perhaps go to the pub. If I haven't spent it one week, or don't anticipating spending it all, I wouldn't mind parting with $30 to enter a competition if there was a reasonable chance of winning (not that I'm saying there is). My point is that $30 is what, a quarter of a day's work? You should be living within your means and that includes budgeting to allow yourself guilt-free spending money so that you can enjoy life from time to time. And this is coming from a man who is not well-off in the slightest.

>>21535570
It's okay my story sucks ass too.

>Raised as a southern Jehovah's Witness in complete poverty
>Only had the library for ''fun''
>Read everything I can get my hands on
>Forced to write speeches and practice public speaking, getting punished if I didn't use correct emphasis on words and lacked hand gestures, etc.
>Get out and try to have a normal life at 18
>Get my Master's and settle down and have a family
>38 and now I think it's too late to write and waste time playing stupid games with ''leveling'' to try and distract me from my existence

Anyone else need a firm kick in the ass like me?

>>21535694
I'm a bit younger, but yeah I could do with a kick up backside. I've been trying to get into a routine, games only on Friday/Saturdays if I'm not doing anything social, after dinner until 10pm is writing time and from 10-12 is time for TV or whatever I feel like doing before bed. It's not working out, but it's something I'm trying to work on. 38 isn't too old to do something with your life anon, especially not something creative. Although to be honest, I'm having a hard time making enough money so that doesn't help anything. You on the otherhand have a family. Complications will arise my friend, we all have obligations and problems, just stick to it and do what you can.

>>21535721
I think you really nailed it, everyone has obligations and problems, it's just sticking to it.

I have to remember there will NEVER be the ''ideal'' writing situation, and to just start doing it.

After 6 years, only 4 published stories, and $0 of profit, I think I'm calling it quits.

>>21535737
You've got to act when able and try not let the days pass you by. I had three days off work the other week and did absolutely nothing good with them. When I went back to work I was kicking myself thinking about all the things I wanted to do and could've done already with that time off.
I have to tell myself it's okay to be a bit slack on occasion, as long as I don't make a habbit out of it. I hope that in a year or so I'll have my routine down to a tittle and my productivity can keep a steady pace, ticking over from day to day like clockwork. What do they say? If you're aiming for the moon better shoot for the stars? We've got to make the best of what we've got but also acknowledge things won't always go to plan, as long you try you'll make some progress and that's better than naught.

>>21535801
Self published? Anon, I'm afraid to say those stories, regardless of quality, never shift copies without a strong social media presence to serve as advertisement. You're better off simply writing for yourself and submitting to agents without getting your hopes up. Certainly beats being published and selling nothing I think.

>>21535801
Hey, at least you're not responsible for HBO Max's "Velma"...a show so bad, it has spawned psyop conspiracy theories, i.e. that it was actually made by conservatives in order to make wokeness look bad.

>>21535801
At this point I've accepted that getting published is like trying to win the lottery. I've grown content to write for myself and a few online friends. Obviously a cope, but there you go.

>look up crush from college I haven't spoke with in over 5 years
>she has an agent and has been published
I never had a shot with her but it stings. I really have to stop looking people I used to know up on social media, it brings me nothing but regret.

Now that my story has been shat on, and my asshole has been reemed so badly, how do I continue writing knowing this is the best I can ever write?

>>21535801
I'm losing money on my books. But I just write it as a hobby. It's better than playing hentai games all day long

Trying to find the motivation to continue editing the whole book, it's about 900 pages. The first two chapters are final draft, what do you guys think? Based on this preview, would you want to continue reading? Why or why not?

https://www.dylandevinewriter.com/book-preview

>>21536048
I am not reading more than one sentence in that font and the one sentence I read wasn't that great

>>21535588
Again, you keep presenting yourself as someone unfortunate, but the facts you continue to utter show you to be ignorant at best, a prideful egoist rubbing his success in others faces at worst. Fifty dollars a week!? Who the hell has that kind of money to throw around? Even someone who lives with their parents can't afford that. Do you have anything better to do than continue to spew ignorant bile? Or is that the reason you describe yourself as not well off? Because you're a fucking moron who thinks he can afford to spend 50 dollars a week on frivolities?

How many characters can I kill off at once early on in the story before it makes more sense to use flashbacks instead?

>>21536055
Farnsworth Wright, first editor of Weird Tales said it best. It has to hook you in by two pages or else it isn't going to work. Now that was short fiction but if anything longer fiction has to get to the point unless you signal hard by cover, summary, or title. When you have to sift through a lot of stories, you have to find the diamonds. It's also better to retry a story after not getting the first two pages rathern than first 20 then 200 then god forbid 2000.

>>21536055
I hate Squarespace so much. Never use it, the UI makes no damn sense. I can't just select a text and change the font, you can only change the font across the ENTIRE website. You can select one body font, and one title font--that's it. So I had to find a font that I didn't hate for the other tabs of the site as well as for the preview, but if I could change any text to any font I wanted I would have gone with EB Garamond or something instead of this, but their font choices were very limiting. If you ever need to build a website, use anything other than Squarespace. The only reason I'm sticking with it is because I spent three weeks working on this website and I'm not going to start all over from scratch on Wix or something.

>>21536048
>WUTHERING
dropped

>>21536096
I knew no one here actually reads

>>21536068
dumb lazy nigger

>>21536099
As the first goddamn word of your book you had better fucking believe I am dropping it when an author slaps me with some bullshit like WUTHERING.

Is it cliche to have warrior nuns and priests that draw from the power of God to defeat the ancient evil?

>>21536104
Post your own writing

>>21536113
who cares if it's cliche, embrace it wholeheartedly if that's what you want to write about, as long as you're confident about it it doesn't matter if it's cliche, it's only once you start pussyfooting around it and being all selfconscious like 'i know this is a cliche BUT' that it gets old

>>21536020
Commit. Read stories, critique stories, write stories, share your stories, gain feedback. Keep going. Talent is rare. So rare I don't think anywhere here has it. You may have a hidden talent for a different craft that comes naturally like wood-working, comedy, or gardening.

But what are the words that describe why its not working. Remember it has to be entertaining. Entertaining is a very broad word. Horror entertains by morbid dread or vicarious doom at least from my angle. Thrillers keep you part of unfolding events of great consequence where you see history going down from the assassination of the French President to a beat cop uncovering a drug operation. Even non-fiction books have to entertain, they have to do what they are sold for. If a technical manual on fluid mechanics can't do that, it ain't selling.

>>21536073
How many you thinking chief? The answer is it depends. Especially by how you kill.

Locked House Mystery, everyone can die as long as it adds to the tension and adds drama. Let me give example.

You have 10 people in a house, got to stay the night, no host to greet them, named for the inheritance. Some shit to get people in a murder house. It matters but not to this. Well it does who the fuck are these weirdos to go to a strange house. Then how you kill them. If the first unexpected kill, is the strongest man present jumped in the bathroom that indicates a lot. The attacker is strong or subtle. Is it a guest or is it a hidden assailant. Lot you can do.

But it has to make sense within the story, so tell us what kind of plot is it.

>>21536125
There's no such thing as "talent," only hard work. No comes out of the womb with a perfect command of the English language, golden fountain-pen in-hand dripping with honey.

"Talent" is a word made up by unskilled people to attribute the fruits of Herculean efforts to something you're just "born with," so that they can say, "I can never do that, because I'm not talented."

>>21536120
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/40361/erased

Wuthering is simply not an attractive word, imo. It doesn't look attractive, it doesn't sound attractive. It sounds slow. The sentence sounds much better if you simply start it with "Gales" It gives off a much lighter impression than WUTHERING.

>>21536138
I didn't imply that mostly everyone needs skill so thanks for the correction. Even talented people if they exist to you would need skill. So fuck-up on my part with that post.

>>21536113
A cliche is easily understood and sold. That is the power of it and the weakness. But other anon was right. Confidence. Whatever it is. Just sell it straight. You can also use cliches to go in other places.

>biggest criticism is always that all my stories start off boring
>tried many things
>action
>mystery
>mischief
>sex scene
>all considered shit
No idea what makes an exciting opening chapter. What makes a good opening chapter?

>>21536166
Can you post examples of each one you tried at least a paragraph. It help to see if there is unifying underlying issue.

>>21536141
Kudos on actually posting. I read more than the first word of it, and suffice to say, I'm not taking any writing advice from you. It's generic as fuck, and there's some formatting issues (with the quotation marks, for example).

However, I will say that I liked your usage of "beard" and "scar" to refer off-handedly to them without naming them, but that's about it. I odn't want to go into more detail because at this point I feel like I'm punching down and I already feel like an asshole.

>>21536120
and I guess I'm wondering now when reading the first sentence how there are fresh drops of morning dew in the middle of winter. maybe "fresh sparks of frozen morning dew" to give the impression of little ice balls

>>21536166
We had a couple nice posts about that back in 2021
>>/lit/thread/S19325190#p19325593

>>21536166
It's probably your execution, not merely the subject matter.

Instead of trying to choose the most interesting subject to arbitrarily start the story with, find a way to organically weave a hook into the way YOU want to start the book with.

>>21536190
That is fucking painful and peopel need to hear that.

>action
An explosion erupted against the ground scattering the iron clad knights in rank. A new weapon. An unbelievable rumor now faced Edward. Another explosion. Rocks, dirt, and a comrades limb were flung across the battlefield.
>mystery
"Write this down Charles. Another dead girl. This time, two breasts missing."
"And her hair?" Charles pressed his pen in his hand-sized notebook and waited for Philip's answer.
"Blonde. Platinum. Shaved."
"How can you tell she was blond?"
Philip spread the corpse's legs. "Pubes."
>mischief
Jack discarded his half empty paint can into the sewers. Drips of white stained the black asphalt leading back to Jack's crime. He painted over what was once known as Oak Street.
>sex scene
Deborah licked her lips. She preferred uncircumsized dicks. The taste of smegma from poorly washed cocks satiated the dirty desires she craved. Every tinge that hit her nose caused her unmatched horniness that she could never satisfy. This time, the lucky man was a customer to the small boutique she worked at, The Sparkling Dead. A shop, despite its name, catered toward conservative values dress. A lot of the dresses and shirts were tailored toward a class that would fancy their dinners with three forks, two glasses, and four plates. A life she wanted to experience, and yet, Opportunity seemed to continuously discard her wishes. Maybe she's been a bit too naughty for Santa lately.

>>21536186
Have you ever lived somewhere with dew? It forms when temperatures drop rapidly, usually at night. If it's below 32 degrees it would be frost.

>>21536190
> At least half of them will be "starting their stories" with a bang, in the middle of some action scene or something. Then go look at some book/chapter openings of selling authors, Sanderson, Nora Roberts, or whoever, and you'll see the difference.

That changes everything.

>>21536245
Oddly the best one is your sex scene. The first one needs the taste sounds and smells of a bomb blowing up a bunch of technologically disadvantaged knights.

The second one is okay.

The third is just shit.

>>21536245
I can't bring myself to criticize this.

>>21536249
droplet does not appropriately describe the characteristics of frost

>>21536268
I know it's all bad. That's why I had to ask. I completely plateaued because I really have no idea what I'm doing. I've read tons of modern books lately to see what they're doing, and everytime I try to do what they're doing it comes out as complete utter shit that nobody wants to read.

>>21536285
If it was freezing temperatures, the grass would be covered in frost, not frozen balls of dew. Dew would have to form first and then the temperature would have to suddenly drop below 32 degrees for that to happen, but why are you being so retarded about this? I'm sure there's probably some legitimate things to criticize, but why are you autistically focusing on the dew?

>>21536287
To be fair, most modern books are shit, so being a newbie writer copying shitty writers isn't going to bear good fruit.

The problem isn't the subject matter, it's the writing itself. But before you can work on that, you have to structure your story and start it with an introduction that makes sense.What's the story about? What tone do you want it to have? (Comedic, serious, whimsical, etc.?)

Once you have the bones of the story to hang a structure on you want to worry more about prose, but for now it seems your problem is that you aren't writing good prose but don't even know what to write about in the first place. Baby steps; start with coming up with a good story, then go back and worry about the prose later.

>>21536298
>why are you criticizing this
It's literally your first sentence.
>WUTHERING gales rippled through the spruce trees, scattering droplets of fresh morning dew like mist. It was deep midwinter,
You see how it being deep midwinter makes your description in the first sentence nonsensical? If it were spring or fall, fine, dew droplets and all that. not in midwinter. I'd simplify and connect it with the next sentence.
>Gales rippled through the spruce trees, scattering a fine mist of snow, but neither the cold nor the thin mountain air stopped the children from their mischief.

>>21536245

Before I outline for 2 hours.

>An explosion erupted against the ground scattering the iron clad knights in rank. A new weapon. An unbelievable rumor now faced Edward. Another explosion. Rocks, dirt, and a comrades limb were flung across the battlefield.

Unclear if horsed or unhorsed, unclear what they were doing. The knights seem to be bowling pins knocked down. We are then told of a knew weapon but it wasn't framed right.

Edward didn't have any fear as the knights charged on their horses to the enemy picket line, he calmy leveled his lance and then saw a flash. Then came the thunder. Then the cries of men and horse. As he fell forward his lance striking breaking his fall as it plunged straight into the ground. Crawling in the blood and dirt. The threat levied against the knights to turn back was more than empty talk.

I can't say this is the best. But it puts direct framing, we also learn Edward is a knight, we see how the weapon was used, we can thus begin speculating, and now we know that the weapon is being used defensively. We can easily change that up in any which way.

>mystery
Not how detectives go, clear Holmes influence. Charles indicates formality, a Chuck or Charlie indicate less and more intimiate connection which build up a buddy cop pair. The dead broad isn't important. She's a prop. What's key is getting the investigators established and what they are investigating. Also proffesionalism is something you expect from the police. Now a lack of it might be honestly jaded. That they have seen this before. A lot of dialogue should come naturally. If it's another one. They say another one. Or the killer struck again. Let me try with my brain. Some of it is just clunky and odd. Two breasts. You just say breasts. We don't got three. And if you do. You're a mutant freak.

"Chuck, ready to record."
"Phillip, I am ready to leave."
"Victim is white female, late teens to early twenties. Cause of death is not clear, no signs of violent struggle. Victim is found naked on back on the floor. Body is cold. Head shaved and the breasts were amputated. Eyes hazel. And by pubic and leg hair, platinum blonde originally."
"Another victim of our friendly neighborhood serial killer."
"No."
"What."
"This one wasn't fully shaved."
"How do we have goddamn copycat."
"Well Chuck, that's our new assignment."

We not only have a serial killer, but we now have a twist. They suspect a copycat. We also get more proffesional working and a better relationship. Quips aren't good when describing a corpse in an official file. Unless it was a guy who tried to kill a cop. Even then it's clinical.

>mischief

General confusion to what crime happened and why. The drips work but what did he deface. Let's fix that. Also word choice.

Jack lifted the manhole cover with his crowbar and dropped the can into it. The red paint splashed into the raw sewage just like the message brushed over the walls of the house before him. "Pedophile."

(Cont.)

>>21536342
I don't know why this is such a hard concept for you to grasp.

If it's COLD, but not below 32 degrees, dew can form. If it's BELOW 32 degrees, frost forms instead. It's cold, not freezing. Jesus Christ this shit is retarded, I don't even care anymore, this is getting too retarded for me.

For some reason I naively expected, "Hey, here's why this scene doesn't work," or, "This character could be better in such and such a way," and instead I get autistic screeching from the first sentence because you don't know how dew works, fucking hell. Dozens of people have read and critiqued the things that actually matter, but you're the first to get hung up on the off-handed mention of DEW for crying out loud.

>>21536363
Jeeze... what did you do to reach these writing heights?

>>21536363
We learn Jack is a guy who write someone diddles kids on their house. We also get how he disposed the paint but not well. We also can think Jack isn't very smart but the most important thing is we don't know why. That's the fun part. Why the fuck did Jack do this?

Is the resident inside the house a diddler, and Jack is trolling them because he's punching down. Did they wrong him or someone he cares about. Does he just hate this person and is making up lies. Is he trying to lower property value. Is he simply so stupid, if someone tells him someone is a pedo he believes it and does this. Generally speaking what Jack is doing doesn't make sense but it asks questions. Well it can make some sense but a smart man would dispose the paint somewhere else lmao.

>sex scene
Congrulations. You won. This is an opening. You started with a woman wanting to eat cock cheese. And boom. You got my brain to just go. Everything else flowed and contrasted. This is a woman who is a sophiscate. Yet she enjoys cock tease. She wants to be a prim and proper girl. But she know's she naughty and she flirts with it.

In conclusion. Your getting it then.

>>21536379
I have read Robert E. Howard and USENET erotica in a cave.

Goodness. Now I know what you meant about feeling bad about punching down. I guess in your fantasy world frost comes in droplets.

>>21536380
I can't tell if you're being ironic or not but either way you got a laugh from me

>>21536392
I was happy that the anon made a plot hook, contrast, and my brain followed. My praise is real.

>>21536398
>>21536380
Thanks anon. I'll keep trying and writing. Maybe one day I'll be able to write a full length novel.

>>21536390
You dense fucker, dew forms on cold mornings in temperate zones. Dew forms in warmer climates when the air is already humid, such as jungles and swamps, but in temperate zones like high altitude forests, the dew-point is lower.

Read, motherfucker. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dew_point

anyone had dramas with amazon's self publishing review process?

>>21536419
it's shit

>>21536424
in what way? got a better alternative?

>>21536416
>dew forms at blah blah blah
Deep midwinter. That is your description. Deep midwinter. I want you to read it back to yourself. Deep midwinter.
Did you not mean deep midwinter? If you meant late autumn or early spring I could understand. But what you wrote was deep midwinter. Liquids form into droplets. It's pretty basic.

>>21536429
I used Amazon's platform for my first book back when they were called "CreateSpace," and while the tools were intuitive enough, the customer support was terrible. You aren't super likely to run into problems, but if you they don't care.

I also tried Ingramspark, but they're hit or miss. I got better customer support with them, and their books generally print higher quality, but some people have had bad misprints from them, particularly with matte finish books. To be fair, though, my book also came out with horrible discoloration when I ordered a proof copy with matte finish from Amazon, so I think that just means that matte finish in general is a no-go because it screws up your colors. Maybe some color covers work with it.

My blue cover came out completely purple, not even close to blue, and Amazon's customer support didn't do anything about it, even though the cover passed the review process and met all their requirements.

>>21536436
Yes, liquids do form into droplets when it's cold. That's why I wrote "droplets."

It's deep midwinter, that's why it's cold.

>>21536454
Fascinating. So frost exists as droplets in your world. That's not how it works in our world - we'd never describe snow or ice or frost as being a droplet - but if that's how it works in your world, so be it.

The cover on my first is bad but I put that down to my not knowing how different it would look from the photoshop version.

I guess I thought the review process was more to look for copyright problems or hate speech etc than to get it looking pretty.

>>21536458
What are these called anon

>>21536446
The cover on my first is bad but I put that down to my not knowing how different it would look from the photoshop version.

I guess I thought the review process was more to look for copyright problems or hate speech etc than to get it looking pretty.

>>21536464
Nta but I call them Icicles

>>21536464
icicles. but if you're referring to the water dripping off I could definitely see that occurring in late winter/early spring. not in deep midwinter

>>21536419
Nope.

>>21536458
It's pretty cold, but not freezing. Notice how there's no mention of ice or snow.

>>21536484
Fair enough, there was a miscommunication. You just need to remove the phrase deep midwinter.

>>21534258
With that attitude why bother even sharing your writing

>>21536493

>"you just need to remove..."
No. It is winter. Did you know that different places have different temperatures depending on where they are in the world, and the time of day, and such? Winter in Antartica is a lot colder than winter in Brazil, and there's a whole range of places and temperatures in-between.

It's cold, but not freezing. I'm not going to remove “midwinter.” If anything I'm specifically leaving it in there to spite you.

>>21536506
Based, hope this sells and gets a movie deal.

>>21536519
Thanks anon, here's the cover. While it's technically fantasy, it reads more like historical fiction, mostly based on the 1400s. The first two chapters take place during the protagonist's childhood before everything goes to shit, but it's its own self-contained narrative with its own beginning, middle, and end, like a short-story. I was hoping to publish in April but editing is taking longer than expected, so probably not until fall.

Here's your new opener
>A light breeze fluttered through the spruce trees, sending needles waving to and fro. It was supposed to be deep midwinter, but due to global warming there was no snow and droplets of pine fresh dew were flung about in the air, invigorating the children as they plotted their mischief.

>Sap covered fingers - to better grab the greased pig - reached out.
>"G'darn kids!" ejaculated Brother Olav.

>>21536530
Ah, perfect

>>21536530
A little Douglas Adams isn't it

>Enid had been spending a lot of time with Brother Olav of late. Praying. He made sure that she prayed on her hands and knees, with her little fanny in the air. Enid had felt uncomfortable at first and had wanted to know why, but he'd simply replied.
>"This is how good girls pray. Aren't you a good girl?"
>Enid pressed her face against the floor and kept her fanny in the air. Brother Olav seemed satisfied with the display.

>>21536500
What attitude would be better?
>ah, yes, i see. i will now write fun epics with fantastical characters
To directly answer the question, the point in sharing is to get some feedback on the writing. The writing itself. Someone coming in and spouting how they prefer "fun fantastical epics" is not helpful. You have no obligation to be helpful, it's true. But I have no obligation to be happy with unhelpful comments, especially when they're pretty shitposty.

>make villains for my litrpg story based on the four guardians
>the order in which they are fought is tiger>turtle>bird>dragon
>their respective arcs is themed around the seasons they represent but not blatantly
>this gets fucked up because bird and dragon mess up the order but they can't go in a different order because dragon is the better threat escalation and bird is too much of a coward to be the one making a last stand
>bird is also the owner of a character that needs to be freed and fleshed out before the story ends
fuck

>>21536870
>*are themed around
Fuck me...

>>21536048
It felt more like chapter 4 than chapter 1. Why were the kids skipping church to practice baptism with a pig and why was this the first thing you wanted to show your reader? Halfway through, it's still unclear who the main character is, or what the story is about. The writing is relatively competent, but not good enough to hook you with mere descriptions and dialogue.

>>21536446
>My blue cover came out completely purple, not even close to blue
That's entirely your own problem, not Amazon's

Van snuffled and shuffled his bottom against the wet ground in an effort to make himself more comfortable. He felt too old to be camped out in the ice of the wildwoods in middle of a winter night.
They were camped near the witch’s hut. He had brought his entire company with him, all sixteen of them. More boys than soldiers, most of them - younger than his own sons.
The others were all huddled around their campfires, some staring blankly into the fires, entranced by its dance to the beat of the crackling wood. Van stared at his own. He had watched far too many flames dance over the years - they ceased to speak to him long ago, all they did was just remind him of the hearth in his home where he would be with his wife and sons, watching instead - his granddaughter struggle to walk, while sipping on some sweet pumpkin stew. Damn the glory and honour of a soldier’s life, he thought, as he held his hands nearer to the fire, feeling the pulses of heat lash at his palm and fingers. His ears ached against the frost. He cupped his hands around his ears to warm them. He sighed, letting out a thick vapour that quickly got fed into the flame.

“Do you think the witch knows we’re out here?” Van heard Sims speak, almost a whisper. Sims was a good and thorough lad, although too prone to worry to last more than a couple of years of this life.
“Think so,” replied Roskil, the longest remaining member of the company second to Van. Despite having seen him the most over the years, Van knew him the least. The campfires had a way of making men talkative, at least the ones not yet awakened to the meaninglessness of sentiments against the abyss, and Roskil was always the quietest one around the fires. Van had known likes of him before this company, men who had faced the abyss one too many times. Van had once respected their bravery in continuing to pick up their swords until one day he came to pity them once he realised that it was never bravery, but numbness.
“She’s probably going through her recipes for white boys,” snickered Orbel, the company joker.
“Wait, witches eat folks?” asked Sims, his face ashen.
Orbel angled his head so that half of his face became shrouded under cover of darkness.
“Why do you think they never recovered the bodies of the last squad that paid her a visit?” pressed Orbel, in a convincingly morose tone.
“Stop,” Van intervened.
Orbel winked at Van then gave Sims a rough shake at his shoulders, grinning. Sims did not react, he just gazed at the fire, silent.

>>21537139
>witch’s hut
Did you guys get kicked out of /sffg/ or something?

>>21536068
I'm not that other anon, I was just chimming in. My point being that budgeting is key and if you're working, even for minimum wage, you should aim to set aside some money each week to essentially waste on frivolous activities and purchases to increase your quality of life and improve your mental health. If you can't put aside such a small amount of change then you're either not budgeting or aren't working enough, at least here. Granted, you may live somewhere where living costs are insane but they're pretty bad here.
>Even someone who lives with their parents can't afford that.
You know, I really can't tell if you're trolling. I'm twenty five, I've been renting for the past six years, everyone I know who stayed at home after school and have recently moved out are buying houses.
My issue with your posts is that you're not explaining why $30, $50, or whathaveyou, is seen as a lot of money. Reconsider your costs, maybe you're paying too much in rent or utilities, maybe you order food in rather than cook, perhaps you work too little. I get living paycheck to paycheck, but if money really is that tight you might be better off seeking financial assistance than continuing whatever it is you're doing currently.

>>21530928
the diary of a walled city postman

I am creatively bankrupt
I decided I wanted to take writing as a hobby but its been 15 minutes and I can't think of a plot
how do I cope

I did come up with something but it was a retarded shit premise about a frog on a tricycle kidnapping a little twat of a kid holy fuck I am so cringe jesus christ

>>21530805
Thoughts? It's a short story I'm writing for the school magazine.
1/2

>>21537836
2/2

>>21537815
What I do is that I just go on with my day as usual, but I carry a pen and notepad in my pocket. When an idea hits me, I write it down and store it for later.

>>21537815
Best way to start would be to take something that's already been done, but do it better. An unoriginal plot, in a different setting with new characters would be where I'd start if
>a frog on a tricycle kidnapping a little twat of a kid
was all the creativity I could muster. And some advice, from my experience, would be that it isn't until you start writing that the original ideas begin flowing. You can start with a weak or boring premise and develop it as you go, swapping things around in subsequent drafts. Developing your characters is key, as even if your premise is stolen, your characters will be your own and act differently from any work you're deriving your plot from, resulting in an original story.

>>21535694
>>21535721
Confidence is key. Autistically adopt this phrase and you'll be unstoppable.

Coming back at you with a book description.

>Princess Nebati Dar Rasheba must chart her first steps as an adult while a horrific rakshasa brings more death to her already warlike world. At first, she is only her parent's conflicted pawn for a political marriage. As allies around her fall, though, Rasheba embraces a path to real power and her first real lover, Lyrabei: stubborn, sensuous, and primal. Then, given the chance to turn the tide against evil, Rasheba strikes like a storm, but it may not be enough. Unseen enemies want the fires of slaughter to keep burning.

Thoughts?

>>21538124
I don't like how ethnic the names are, and this reads more like a blurb trying to sell me something than it does real writing. Maybe try posting an excerpt for a thread full of writers and save the blurbs for others.

>>21538124
Sounds like indie romance drivel from Amazon.

You jump between political marriages and power battles without any apparent connection. You have to decide if you want to present it as a war story or fap fuel, you can't make it both in the same paragraph. What the hell is a "rakshasa"? You throw in a term like that straight off the bat like it's supposed to be important and then don't bring it up again. And cut empty filler words like "At first x but then y and then and then".

>>21530805
She never knew she brought out the best in me. Never noticed, never cared. To me she was my world. I couldn't imagine living without her love. I was so blinded by my love for her, that I never noticed it was never sincere from her part. She had always told me I deserved better than her, but I never knew she was saying that because she had decided to be unfaithful and betray me behind my back. My gut told me something was wrong, but I ignored my instincts and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I should've known better. She took everything, including my heart, and as I sit here typing this, I realize that the woman she used to be, was killed by the woman she chose to become. Despite that fact, I still love her, now, more than ever. I feel like when she left, she took my heart with her and now I have no idea how to love myself or anyone else in the world. I feel numb, distant. Like a man in an abandoned movie theater, watching my life reel by without any control of my surroundings. How do you control a movie when you can't even relate to your own character? No. No longer am I the character in the film of my life. I'm now merely a lonely audience member as I watch a man I no longer recognize, put on my clothes, walk in my shoes, and wear a bitter smile as the film of my life continues without me.

Can somebody rate? I'm an esl and translated this with an online translator and made some corrections. I want to write more stuff, but I just dont have the same command over the english language, which is quite frustrating.

Anyway I tried to invoke the sensation of taking part in a group of friends as an outsider, but I am also fascinated with dehumanisation lately (any reading suggestions on this topic?) and tried to work that in. Lastly a bit of simping from the protagonist, which i thought would fit.

Please give feedback, thanks

>>21538427
>translated this with an online translator
stopped reading here

>>21538440

Ok, then just ignore that part, because it was a joke, haha.
Anyway I am still quite happy how it turned out, but I obviously went manually through the damn thing afterwards. I just wanna know if it sounds natural to a native, or if it sounds "off". If someone tries to speak my language as a non native in 99/100 cases i notice because the words are used kinda strangely, even if their usage isnt wrong.

Started going to a writing class. The people there are really good and it's making me disconnect with the course. From a prompt in class they write so well, my writing feels like a mess in comparison. Just need to vent that.

>>21538929
what was the prompt?

>>21538962
We were testing a few different methods of inspiration. One was starting with a word (moonlight) and spider diagramming some related words, then writing from there. I ended up writing about someone trying to smuggle goods across the Berlin wall but wrote myself into a corner.

Fuck. There's this plot element/arc in a story I really like and want to add to my own novel. Can I do it? How have you done it?

>>21537765
>Twenty five
So I was right, you're a fucking moron who thinks he can afford to throw away 50 goddamn dollars a week to "increase your quality of life" and "improve your mental health". You know what helps both of those? Not throwing away 200 dollars a month. That's $2400 in a year. That's enough money to buy a high end PC, for reference.

>>21538929
What kind of writing class, and where?

>>21539089
>high end pc
talk about a waste of money

>>21539131
Fiction writing class. Community arts center.

>>21539186
Where? That doesn't sound like any I know of.

>>21539089
Yet you're the bitter one. It's working for me anon, I don't know what to tell you.

>>21539062
Be careful anon, they may send the police after you if you do something like that.

Well I almost finished part 2 of my 3 part fantasy series (with room for expansion)
I wrote about 70% of it.
>missing introduction to one of the main cast
>missing a chapter that highlights the bard
>missing character development for the main character to showcase his good nature and leadership
>missing at least one fighting arc to further showcase their skills
>missing the entire build up to the final fight
and theres several holes in general.
I only have an easy time writing one of the characters, my favourite of course, a traumatised wizard who's entire family was killed because she decides to fuck with the wrong people.
but this book is supposed to be written with the audience in mind and I know the other characters are far more conventionally appealing.

I did some SoL moments which I seem to be able to write well, and 3 of the 5 fights are well written. the other 2 are kind of short.
I was thinking about what that anon said a few threads ago "you cant always write golden moments" and I suppose thats true. For a book this long it would be unreasonable to expect myself to be at my peak the entire time.
But part one is almost non stop great in my eyes, however, its way shorter. Its about half of this book.
Also both of the most developed and interesting villains are little girls. I like that trope, but I think I should add a monster or male, more traditional villains.

Anyway writing it is the easy part. Marketing is what defines success and Ive got no experience with that

>>21539378
You're the one who's dishing out dishonest advice. I wonder, does that sound like someone happy? I suppose it does if your primary aim is, as I speculated correctly yesterday, an attempt to lord over the poors.

>>21539619
imagine being so tilted by someone making a one time expenditure of $27 dollars. apply for food stamps, or something, jesus

>>21538427
I liked it. It has a nice pace and sense of escalation between paragraphs. The way the knife interprets the social dynamics of the table from its ultra-limited perspective is nice. Maybe the story needs one more 'twist' -- it feels a bit someone sat down and thought 'what would it be like to be a knife?' and then wrote whatever occurred to them. There's nothing particularly surprising; it just feels like, 'yup, that's probably what it would be like to be a knife'. But it's very well described.

As for language, almost all of it had a good flow, and the sentences were tight, but here were the things that seemed unidiomatic to me:
>as when ice cream was eaten too quickly
This should just be present tense, 'is eaten too quickly', regardless of whether the rest of the sentence is in the past tense.

>His central thinking apparatus
I'm not sure if this is a mistranslation for 'central nervous system'. Maybe it's supposed to sound weird.

>simultaneously in every part of his body at once
You should delete either 'simultaneously' or 'at once' -- having both feels redundant.

>His steely comrades were jumbled
This is a subtle one, and maybe I'm overthinking it, but I think this should be something like 'The hand jumbled his steely comrades' or 'His steely comrades got jumbled up'. 'Were jumbled' sounds like they always were that way.

>impregnated the room
Another subtle one, but I would say 'impregnated the air' -- for 'impregnate' you want to suggest a substance that can absorb something else, instead of just a space.

>Quickly, other members of the friend groups joined in
'Quickly' seems odd to me as a sentence-opener. I would say something like 'Other members of the group quickly joined in' or 'Soon other friends joined in'.

>only he couldn't laugh
If this means 'but he couldn't laugh' then it's fine. If it means 'other joined in; he was the only one who couldn't laugh' then the comma should be a semicolon.

>He didn't know, what it was about
The comma here should definitely go. (Might have been a typo.)

>He would love
Should be 'He would have loved to have lingered'. (I think?)

>stutter-free reply
This sounds a bit awkward -- maybe it's supposed to. I'm not sure what a better adjective would be though. 'Effortless'? Not really.

>nonetheless shrugged off hitting her bully on the shoulder
Needs a comma before 'hitting'. (Might have been a typo.)

>the food remains
Sounds awkward. I would write 'the remains of the food' or 'the remnants of food'.

> - ever again
Because it's set off by the dash, this should be 'never again'. Don't ask me why.

>his mouth experience
Sounds awkward in the same way that 'food remains' did. Maybe just 'his experience in her mouth'. 'Engine laughter women' similarly reads weird to me.

Tried to write a "diplomatic" letter. Can you feel the subtext from this?

755 CC, Spring Equinox

To the esteemed Princeps Helvetius, Lord of Westshire.

I write with a sorrowful hand to inform you as is your due of the passing of Bishop Marcuese, Chapel Master of Fallen Crest Chapel. Following an injury in the planting of the fields, the elderly father took to bed rest upon apothecarial orders, from which he never rose. Pneumonia claimed the dear keeper of the faith at the wizened age of sixty-seven. By the time this letter reaches you, I expect he will have already been interred in the chapel mausoleum alongside his predecessors, and in time beside myself.

My name is Peter Montoya, formerly a swine herd from the shores of Westshire. I had the pleasure of seeing you at the martial tournament of 747, and witnessing your skill with the spear. I was but a boy at the time. Afterward, I found my calling in the faith. As I grew into manhood, I grew my mind with the writings of the angels. Of course, the honest labor of the land was not easily shirked for such pursuits.

In fact, it was your feasting requirement of the Chapels that led to my employment as a brother underneath Father Marcuese. The needs of traveling diplomacy stipulated certain materials always be on hand, among them a herd of swine which I was eminently qualified to tend to during my studies. It is this herd which I must now speak of, with much regret.

Presently, the Fallen Crest Chapel will not be able to host any of your diplomats, or even yourself, to the expected level. It is understood that such a royal procession will need as many as fifty heads of pig to facilitate the meeting as well as further travel. There is no doubt about this, and we were much prepared to do so.

Unfortunately, travelers from neighboring Vassermark have depleted our supplies. The head of these diplomatic pilgrims was none other than Prince Gabriel, second in line to the Vassish throne. He came in earnest pursuit of our library, and brought with him three hundred men as his personal guard. I must concede that Vassermark is a mighty kingdom indeed, and a great ally of ours against northern aggression. Indeed, the Princeps own sister, may her soul rest in peace, was the queen of Vassermark; thus making Prince Gabriel your eminence’s nephew.

Naturally, we agreed we had an obligation to feed these foreigners during the prince’s stay. I have prepared below an accounting of his consumption during his first week’s stay.

117 heads of hog.
32 barrels of ale
44 bottles of wine
215 candles
17 gallons of cooking oil(1)
39 wheels of hard cheese
200 baskets of flour

WHY DID YOU LORDS OF FAGS NOT TELL ME WRITING IN 35 DEGREE CELSIUS HEAT WOULD BE ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE!

I'M BARELY BREAKING 600 WORDS A DAY AT THE MOMENT!

TELL ME YOUR HEAT BASED WRITING TECHNIQUES RITE NAO!

>>21540344
they've done studies with mechanics and other people working in the heat. for every 10 degrees fahrenheit over 70 degrees peoples mistakes increase 10 fold. so 80 deg is 10x, 90 deg is 100x, 100 deg is 1,000x. get an air conditioner.

>>21540344
Either get an A/C, or head to a local "cooling center".

>>21540026
>>21540026
I liked it. It has a nice pace and sense of escalation between paragraphs. The way the knife interprets the social dynamics of the table from its ultra-limited perspective is nice. Maybe the story needs one more 'twist' -- it feels a bit someone sat down and thought 'what would it be like to be a knife?' and then wrote whatever occurred to them. There's nothing particularly surprising; it just feels like, 'yup, that's probably what it would be like to be a knife'. But it's very well described.
>This might be my first submitted written piece anywhere, so thanks for the positive feedback and in-depth criticism! (Except for family and friends.) Keeps me motivated putting out more.
____
>as when ice cream was eaten too quickly
This should just be present tense, 'is eaten too quickly', regardless of whether the rest of the sentence is in the past tense.
>Yup, that’s English grammar for me, you always get bitten in the ass for not paying attention in school, huh? Tfw you didn’t listen in history one bit, and 15 years later find yourself buying books on German history because you find the subject so fascinating all of a sudden. I guess better late than never.

>His central thinking apparatus
I'm not sure if this is a mistranslation for 'central nervous system'. Maybe it's supposed to sound weird.
>No, your suggestion is good, I skimmed just over it I guess, the german version sounds better

>simultaneously in every part of his body at once
You should delete either 'simultaneously' or 'at once' -- having both feels redundant.
>Again, good suggestion, snuck past me

>His steely comrades were jumbled
This is a subtle one, and maybe I'm overthinking it, but I think this should be something like 'The hand jumbled his steely comrades' or 'His steely comrades got jumbled up'. 'Were jumbled' sounds like they always were that way.
>Strange, I exactly get what you mean, but it is also a direct translation from german, and there this “second” kind of meaning is completely missing. Weird how it works that way

>>21540026
>>21540447

>impregnated the room
Another subtle one, but I would say 'impregnated the air' -- for 'impregnate' you want to suggest a substance that can absorb something else, instead of just a space
>That one slipped past me even in german, kek, must be air of course, thanks

>Quickly, other members of the friend groups joined in
'Quickly' seems odd to me as a sentence-opener. I would say something like 'Other members of the group quickly joined in' or 'Soon other friends joined in'.
>Works in German, I guess it is the same for words as “rapidly”, “swiftly”, etc.? It’s more the sentence structure rather than the word? That’s the stuff I am talking about I’m having trouble in English with as an esl.

>only he couldn't laugh
If this means 'but he couldn't laugh' then it's fine. If it means 'other joined in; he was the only one who couldn't laugh' then the comma should be a semicolon.
>I think I have to read up on grammar rules of semicolons as I never use them, and they are rarely used in German. This was also meant to have two meanings as in he can’t laugh for not having a mouth, and also being to dumb/ stuck-up to get the joke.

>He didn't know, what it was about
The comma here should definitely go. (Might have been a typo.)
>Thanks, gotta look up my grammar rules again

>He would love
Should be 'He would have loved to have lingered'. (I think?)
>Sounds right

>stutter-free reply
This sounds a bit awkward -- maybe it's supposed to. I'm not sure what a better adjective would be though. 'Effortless'? Not really.
>Well here I am trying to say something about the protagonist by him observing how his owner conducts himself in this situation (as in: He would be a stuttering fool, if he himself would need to speak freely in front of this group). I am still not very good at this, and maybe that intention is too obtuse.

>nonetheless shrugged off hitting her bully on the shoulder
Needs a comma before 'hitting'. (Might have been a typo.)
>No, just me being a brainlet

>the food remains
Sounds awkward. I would write 'the remains of the food' or 'the remnants of food'.
>Thanks

> - ever again
Because it's set off by the dash, this should be 'never again'. Don't ask me why.
>Thanks again

>his mouth experience
Sounds awkward in the same way that 'food remains' did. Maybe just 'his experience in her mouth'. 'Engine laughter women' similarly reads weird to me.
>Well this as well as engine laughter women both sound strange in German as well. I try to use words in my writing in that way sparingly to keep it interesting. A few times I even tried (not in this short story) inventing new words from root words, particularly because of a short poem, that I really like, from August Stramm (“Patroullie”), where he does this. Although I really suck at this, lol

>>21539537

Give us an example of a scene you are proud of

>used to write with a thesaurus in hand
>Read some Hemingway
>Listen to Sanderson
>"Write to entertain"
Oh... I get it now. Just use a big word once every three to five paragraphs and use metaphors, similes, and repetition for effect.

How do I know if an idea is good enough to write a full length novels?

>>21539537
>Highlights the bard
>The Bard
>Bard
Aaaaaannnnd dropped.
>>21540351
>>21540383
Electricity is too expensive to have it on all day and i'm effectively agoraphobic : ^(

I'm writing a detective story. I have a character, but I don't know what her official job title would be. She works with a (relatively) large police agency, assisting detectives with whatever information they need. The detectives call her, ask for something, and she looks it up for them (the story takes place before the invention of the Internet).
Does anyone know what this character's job title would be?

>>21533689
I'm not the guy you are responding to, but you do need to work on your writing before you try to sell it. I'm not saying you are talentless but you definitely are not there yet.

I read the first few pages and your prose is way too fluffy and unfocused. The constant asides and exposition kill the flow, as does the lack of a strong, clear viewpoint. You need to focus on constructing scenes that read well and have a sense of narrative thrust. Nobody expects to understand the characters from the opening paragraphs. You don't get anything from rushing through character introductions in a scene which is already bogged down with too much detail.

>>21540845
That’d just be a police officer or constable if they’re part of the investigation, unless you mean they’re like a forensic scientist, which is a specialist. The other roles are like comms/emergency contact, or secretaries.

I can't decide what kind of magic system would be fun in my totally anime fantasy pet project. Which do you like? Entertain me

>A) Good ol' wands
Wands are operated like conductor's baton to create whatever the caster imagines. Good points are versatility. Spells can be conjured to suit whatever situations and it doesn't take much explaining. Shit just happens. But...is it already too convenient? To the point that it gets lazy.

>B) Mage warriors
Mages manifest magical armors and weapons with unique properties and limited spells to fight. This allows for flashy melee-focused battles in a setting that's not medieval and there's endless intrigue in tweaking these tools to make them better. However, close combat easily turns into a tedious chore in writing.

>C) Magic arms
People don't cast spells, but they have guns that shoot magic instead of bullets. This system lets you have strictly specialized combat classes depending on the type of weaponry and battles become clear-cut rock-paper-scissors type tactical deals that even a monkey could follow. But that just makes the characters helpless without their toys. Is that really fun?

>>21541358

I think the most important decision is whether you want "scientific" magic (is it caused by an organ? What ressources are used up)? or something more mystical like prophecies bound to fate or whatever bullshit

>>21541383
I favor the approach of magic being the individual's own power to oppose outer circumstances and greater fate. But I'd rather not go into too heavy detail since that tends to rob the mystery from it. All the options fit into this, I think

>>21540910
>prose is way too fluffy and unfocused
Not the author but I read his stuff, how do you avoid this? And what do you mean so I can learn from it? Because I found the story's narrative to be fine.

>>21541014
She's not a police officer or a scientist. I guess the closest thing would probably be "secretary". If you've ever played the game LA Noire, she basically the same as the R&I lady. Detectives call her asking for an address or something, and she looks it up for them.

I am writing a story about a war between a family of crows and a human family
Why are all my ideas so shit and laughable random
Its like I cant stop being an edgy le phil guy
Is it because I only watch pseud cinema and consume philosophy video essays

>>21541755
kek, did you just watch Hitchcock's 'The Birds' or something?

>>21541761
No I just thought hmmm what if a guys gets rolled by a bunch of crows

>>21541358
Read Reverend insanity, then copy/modify its magic system

I have an idea that I think I’m not smart or skilled enough to write… but it’s very marketable and I’m very passionate about it. Should I just write it?

>>21531001
Man, it's really fucked up on a fundamental level. Are you a native English speaker?

I'm thinking of doing a pulp speed binge and just blasting out 5,000-10,000 wpd of junk just to get out of a rut im in. Anyone try have any experience in this?

>>21541922
How so?

I'm just starting out, and I'm having a real hard time actually putting words to page. I know the plot beats of the story I want to tell but I don't know how to get to each beat in way that isn't completely fucking boring

>>21541700
>secretary
just call her an assistant. administrative assistant or something. but the reality is if she's working in a police station she'd still be a police officer and called Officer Whatever-her-name-is, and she'd still have gone through the police academy.

>>21542143
focus on your characters and their motivations, not "plot beats". let your characters actions pave the way to those plot beats. if your story starts deviating from your plan that's good. roll with it.

>>21541888

>cultivation

>>21542143
Outline

>>21542254
>Outline
I disagree with this very strongly. Outlining further will perpetuate the problem of not actually writing. Vomiting out a far from perfect first draft of a few chapters is the best thing to do. Not spending more time procrastinating via outlining or, god forbid, world building.

>>21542135
Incorrect words. Awkward sentences. Weird as fuck descriptions.

>>21542271
Outlining prevents having a garbage first draft that you may have to rewrite completely
It’s easier to delete and move bulletpoints in an outline vs deleting whole chapters and having to restructure thousands of words. I’m all for your outline being draft zero lol

>>21541898
nah

>>21542299
That's just bad writing trying to fit in prose that doesn't belong, not an indicator of ESL. ESLs tend to have perfect grammar, but the writing is extremely dry.

ESL
>The cat ate a mouse. The mouse entered the cat's throat and into it's stomach. In three hours, the cat pooped the mouse in the form of a turd.

Native
>A feline of immaculate qualities toyed with a mouse before swallowing the rodent. The small mouse wiggled a hopeless struggle as it slid down the hallway toward the cat's basement of acid. A few hours later, the mouse exited the cat, but it's form was misshapen and emitted a foul stench. The mouse became a turd.

That's what typically natives do, they overuse words and it becomes nothing but jargon.

>>21542328
Accurate.

I asked if he was an ESL because in the very first sentence he uses "earthly" instead of "earthy" and says "lingered into the office", but your explanation fits better.

How do I actually finish the projects that I start? I can't even finish a 5000 word short story

>>21542438
What answer do you genuinely expect to this kind of question? You finish it by putting words down until you're done. There's no secret to this game.

>>21542220
Its unlike any orher cultivation system and is much closer to western magic, in fact most western magic system don't even come close

>>21542328
> ESLs tend to have perfect grammar,
Lol no they don't
(Source: myself)

Should I write in first person?

>>21542220

>>21541358
all of these are hard magic systems and soft magic is always superior

so i'd trash all of it and go with spooky unknowable uncontrollable vague nonsense magic because it's a lot cooler

>>21542598

https://www.ivoox.com/en/29-call-of-the-crocodile-f-gardner-audios-mp3_rf_101494231_1.html

You see this yet? They did a 3 and a half hour long F Gardner special.

>>21542553
Grammar is overrated. Just write the entire book in an accent and you can break every rule there is

>>21542612
Fictional magic needs some hard rules and logical mechanics established straight off the bat, otherwise it just becomes a solve-it-all asspull button

>>21542649
Mine is just super Saiyans

>>21542621
I’m assuming F Gardner has gotten more popular because of his YouTube channel.

>>21542649
>otherwise it just becomes a solve-it-all asspull button
It really doesn't though, at least not necessarily. That only happens if the author lets such things happen and/or uses magic too often, both of which are easily avoidable. An easy way to make absolutely sure you don't do this is making magic an outright antagonistic force that must be avoided when possible by the characters. Obviously some vague core ideas ought to be established yes but that's not the same as making a magic system which essentially boils it down to scientific superpowers that are fully catalogued and understood by even normal humans, which is the case in many a dull fantasy novel.

>>21542621
Holy fucking shit

>>21542661
>An easy way to make absolutely sure you don't do this is making magic an outright antagonistic force that must be avoided when possible by the characters.
But magic is cool, avoiding magic in fantasy is like avoiding science in SF, it's dumb idea.

>>21542653
He also has new books. F Gardner is an never ending content producing factory. I think he’s written around half of the /lit/ canon at this point.

>>21542621
Honestly smart of them to capitalize on F Gardner. Gardner related stuff always seems to attract a lot of views.

>>21542661
It's a more complicated trap than you think. Most authors think they're too smart to fall for it, but almost all of them do. Because the uses of such a vague power as magic boil down solely to the author's imagination, and there's nobody out there who could mentally chart the myriads of possibilities available in every situation. The longer the story goes on, the bigger the probability that you'll miss something that's glaringly obvious to others.

It doesn't mean magic has to be completely dissected and analyzed to the core, but to be fair to yourself and the reader, you have to make it clear upfront, what magic as a phenomenon can do and can't, and second, what the magic-user in the story can do and can't, and stick to it.

>>21534120
I'm fairly sure "show, don't tell" comes with the corollary of "don't over-do the showing."

>>21542621
Oh man these guys don’t even realize just how weird Gardner himself is. Judging by his YouTube channel Gardner’s like a living caricature of both a weeb and /x/ user.

>>21531001
Honestly just get rid of all the "fantasy lingo". You don't need to call it whatever the fuck word you're using for coffee. Just call it coffee. Fantasy tends to have a strange habit of calling things with awkward nouns for some "world building". A birthday party is a birthday party, not "First Breath Day", or "Time when the first moon kissed the forehead of the blessed one" day. Just call it a fucking birthday

It's time to wri- ZZZzzz

>>21541525
I did not get that far into the narrative because I found the prose to be too frustrating. Part of this is simply using too many words and being indirect with language. The larger problem is that the author is letting information trickle out in unfocused streams instead of forming blocks of narrative and description. The author is only thinking of sentences, when they need to zoom out and focus on writing good paragraphs.

Narrative and exposition are heaped on top of each other. The first paragraph begins as if it is setting a scene, then it shoots into a long-winded description of a character when the POV character has not even been clearly established.

If the author wanted to begin this way, they should have expanded the first few sentences into a proper paragraph of narrative and description which establishes POV and basic situation, lead into a new paragraph with some action and dialogue where the new character brings in food, then (maybe) have a quick aside where the protagonists muses over her history with Reeves. Honestly, a quick quip like "Damnit, Reeves, how do you still fit into your apprentice chainmail?" would convey the same info in 1/5 the words while also keeping narrative momentum.

>>21540344
I'd kill to write 600 a day.

>>21540507
limited by post character limits:
>setting: the main character, a small helpless girl, is begging for food

A man approaches in the distance, carrying a large basket filled with fruits.
Misa stares at the man.
What? the man asks, seemingly annoyed already.
Can I have some food sir? Please?
I knew you were going to ask a dumb question, your glare gave it away.
Why would I give my hard earned fruit to you? I foraged all morning and night for this so I can feed my wife and 8 children. You think I'm just going to give it away to any stranger that asks?
Like this stuff is free? My family would starve. Do you want my family to perish?
You're a foul, selfish creature. Such is often the case with you beggars. You're vile, egocentric, scum of the earth.
You should work for you own. Or better yet: Be round up and executed so you would stop being a stain on our society.
Misa interrupts the mans ranting. I didn't ask for your life story idiot, I just want some food is all. And fruits grows on trees so it's free. Maybe you shouldn't have made so many kids to begin with. You're a human, not a rabbit, you don't have to breed endlessly.
Piss off you dumb brat, before I make you. Misa think it's funny, she knows that he knows she's right, what an idiot.
As the man walks away Misa throws a small rock at his head, then she runs off. The man doesn't give chase, since he is carrying the weight of all the food he foraged.

>>21543145
Hmmm I reopened it and it seems like author is taking our criticisms to heart. He added a first chapter which is clearly unpolished. We'll make this our punching bag to tell people what not to do. It reads worse than CotC right now.

>>21543166
>dumb question,
>Like this stuff is free
>egocentric
>scum of the earth
>I just want some food is all.
jesus christ, are you an esl? What's with all these current year words and expressions

>>21543191
Maybe it takes during modern times?

>>21543186

>CotC

Those books are a wild ride. Especially once you realize the author is an antisemitic Buddhist flat-earther.

>>21543191
eh as expected, cant expect anything positive from 4chins
perhaps I shouldve added some typos so you'd nitpick that

>>21543214
>Foraging fruits to feed wife and 8 children
>Modern times
unlikely

>>21543237
yes you can but what you wrote is genuinely cringe

>>21543252
>yes you can but what you wrote is genuinely cringe
nah, youre just a salty coward trying to bring others down
this general is just like /ic/ in that regard, a circlejerk

pyw

>>21543268
You have written some garbage, what do you want me to say? Well done, good job!?
kys you fucking idiot

>>21543277
post your own work and writing you consider to be good
your opinion is literally meaningless unless I know what you base it on

you wont, youre just a retarded coward without talent

>>21543230
F Gardner also has a hot tranny girlfriend that he just got married to. Which explains the hiatus for his YouTube videos.

>>21532613
Thank you for reading and giving feedback. I agree, that is redundant. The schlocky b-movie vibe is definitely what I am aiming for and it was originally aimed at a YA audience despite the gore.

>>21531001
Good job finishing a first draft. Now take all our criticisms and do a good rewrite then post this again in 6 months. And we better see significant improvement.

Why is prose so hard to get published? Novels and short stories have less than a percent chance of being accepted, by sheer number (not talent). Is it the size it takes?

>>21542598
>>21542621
>>21542653
>>21542667
>>21542685
>>21542690
>>21542927
>>21543230
>>21543318
The house you lived in was sold on December 12.
Did mommy and daddy take you with them?
Or did they finally cut you loose?

New thread >>21543744

>keep writing the same type of girl in a story
Okay, I admit it, I have a type. What do?