/lit/ - Literature

>>21254203
Formatting issues aside, you rely on poetry techniques a bit too much, it makes prose awkward to read, the repetitions about light, booze and color, a bit to regular which gives a contrived feeling, unnatural and does not really add anything to the story beyond some structural gimmicks. This is the sort of thing which tends to get old very quickly in prose, repetitions of this sort need to be on a larger scale (pages apart) or subtle, you don't want the readers mind jumping back two lines constantly without a very good reason to do so.

Other than that pretty good, would probably continue reading if there was more, solid on the imagery and mood, just those previously mentioned minor hiccups in flow and structure. I'd say keep working on the prose, you have potential if you can manage to extend it and work out a narrative structure.

>>21254203
>the moon was nowhere to be seen. it had waned the previous night
For someone who professes to poetry, this already has remarkably little of it.
>it was beautiful then, a perfect sliver of light, he had pointed it out to his brother driving home
Was it beautiful? I disagree. I don't think you've earned that, and you've lost my goodwill by telling me and expecting me to come along for the ride.
>whiskey tinted street lights
Fine, okay, whatever — this is fine!
>there breath
How do you expect to ever write anything worth a shit if you're still confusing there/their/they're?
>he despised to think
I smell a thesaurus!

That's as far as I could get.

>>21254203
I think you've got a good ability to create a setting, and to set a tone, but there's something - I'm not quite sure what - obstructing the flow a bit. It feels a little too meandering at times, while still managing to be written in an overly straightforward fashion at other times. There are certain minor redundancies that could be removed, and that may help a bit. Or maybe it's the sheer volume of "had"s. Idk. Play around with it a bit. Rewrite it in various ways and see if you can smooth it out.

Who's the artist?

>>21254271
Agreed. I can't stand reading works from authors who ramble on with shit prose that can't convey emotions, set tone nor the environment. OP can do all of these things, but it's too much, and too repetitive. Unfortunately, cutting the fat, and tightening things up is the most difficult thing to do for the flowery prose types, but the potential is there.

>>21254203
Equally as shitty as your poetry

>>21254869
OP is not flowery unless you consider anything more complex than Hemingway to be flowery. Everything serves a purpose beyond itself, it is just that the repetitions allude to things which are not there. Change "whiskey tinted street lights" to "the sodium vapor" or the like and a few other changes and that problem is solved. It won't be quite as easy as just changing them outright since that will affect the flow and he has a decent flow if it were not for the allusions to nothing disrupting it. You are just throwing around words which you don't actually understand.

>>21254203
Their/there issues and formatting. Weird word choices. Nothing to interest me and make me want to read further. I've read worse, but if this was the first paragraph of a book i picked up, I would not continue reading.

>>21254203
As good as most acclaimed writers, you’re a woman, aren't you ? You touched on the bitterness, or vanity, of love very well, only women are well enough familiar with such things that they can wax poetically, or men that are beyond their years or otherwise know the frailty that old age brings. Anyway, your writing is good, but i also get the impression english isn't your first language ? Your tempo is off slightly.

>he has a decent flow

>>21255050
Honest question, does this sort of troll ever work? I have never seen anyone bite at chinposting, is this one of those things which works on other boards and tourists bring here or are people who respond this way just that out of touch and self conscious?

> Honest question, does this sort of troll ever work? I have never seen anyone bite at chinposting, is this one of those things which works on other boards and tourists bring here or are people who respond this way just that out of touch and self conscious

>>21254203
crap
Trying to emulate genius and being too scared tp write something basic
Pretending to be inspired when you aren't
Trying to use advanced techniques without understanding what makes them work
Grammatical errors and awful formatting