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/lit/ - Literature

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[ERROR] No.2116038 [Reply] [Original]

Hey /lit/, I wrote a poem and I thought "What better place to take this than 4chan?"
So here it is, be as brutal with your feedback as you like. I trust there are some people on here that know a thing or two about poetry


"An Adolescent’s Muses on Music"


I encourage, Do surround me.
Displace future, deadline's reality.
Envelope me—your wise volition
(You’ve my affable permission.)

Click.

Play, Now, GO!
Indulge the energy: Permit its flow!
Here a comfort—familiar form—
Pulses through: the placid storm.

Tension.
Tension!
Build,
Now raze!
You beating drums,
Your feral haze,
Guide my affect!
Perfect the daze.

Distribute this,
But one
Apiece,
A fleeting moment’s pure release.

>> No.2116060

bumpbumpbump

>> No.2116062

why don any of you motherfuckers ever use any imagery in your poems

>> No.2116075

>>2116062
thanks for the feedback.
are "beating drums" and "feral haze" not imagery?
my intention was to effect a sense of tribal intensity. did i fail?

>> No.2116082

Wow, you're actually good at rhythm. I suggest you consider submitting to the next issue of TAR.

>> No.2116084

>>2116082
Oh, but the title is fucking stupid. Drop it. No questions.

>> No.2116085

>>2116075

not really

sensory detail, dude, evoke shit on the pagee by calling on the readers senses

i cn't see a volition or hear a permission or feel something being affable, incorporate some sensory detail

>> No.2116091

>>2116082
ahhhh thank you!
i hadn't written a poem since middle school (im 17 now). time to go find out what TAR is.
>>2116084
yeah i kinda agree with you there. but i dont know anything better.

>> No.2116102

>>2116091
TAR - The April Reader - is the zine put out by this board every month. We've just had a release, so I suggest you take a look at it. The quality is improving every month, though it's not very good yet. It's the perfect place to get a little criticism and confidence (feels good to see your shit in print) for someone at this level and on this site.

Plus, they accept almost everything they get (because they don't get that much) so the chance of rejection is low. If that puts you off, remember that you'll be torn to bits by anons when the zine's published.

TAR thread:
>>2112280

>>2116085
Not every single poem ever needs to have every single poetic device ever. Some poems don't have rhyme, some don't have alliteration, some don't have imagery, some don't have simile, etc. Just because it's lacking one or many doesn't make it automatically bad. Not that this poem is great or even truly good, it's just that your reasoning is flawed. Pumping this poem full of imagery isn't going to make it better.

>> No.2116108

>>2116102

you don't know shit, son, show me one good poem that doesnt draw upon sensory detail

>> No.2116110

>>2116102
thank you for the information.

now, a little help on the title anyone? or is that cheating

>> No.2116115

>>2116108
Why, so you can say it's not a good poem, or that it would be better if it had imagery in it? Yeah, no. You have your opinion, I'll have mine. I've no interest in swaying or being swayed.

>> No.2116117

>>2116115

failing to understand the most basic ways in which litarture works is not an "opinion"

>> No.2116121
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>>2116117

>> No.2116123
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[ERROR]

>>2116108