/lit/ - Literature

>>21029744
These past few days I've been so depressed that I unironically feel like I'm going insane. It's like my mind is breaking. It's weird to describe. A bit like being dreaming, or tipsy, but all I feel is emptiness. It's awful, and yet I don't really feel anything most of the times. I think this time I'm going to kill myself. Goodbye, bros. You were good friends.

>>21029744
>walking in the heat especially makes me want to kms
I have quite the opposite problem. Walking in the heat makes me want to kill other people.

>>21029744
>walking in the heat especially makes me want to kms
>>21029765
>Walking in the heat makes me want to kill other people.

Take a water bottle with you sirs.

bro
you need to self-realize
then you need to self-actualize
then you need to become construct-aware

>>21029793
>he doesn't get the reference
proof that nu-/lit/ doesn't read, or even has the slightest interest in literature. The Stranger has one of the most well-known plot synopsis. If you /r9k/ fucks even marginally liked books you would probably know it.
But you don't and instead you come here to shit up this board with your retarded sad pepe and sirs posting. kill yourself faggot

OP look into intermittent fasting.
You need a hard dopamine reset.

>>21029807
>Woah I caught le ebin Camus reference and you didn't!
You must be 18 to post here. Camus is a hack.

>>21029805
is there a book for all these steps?

>>21029807
I got the reference.

Mirchâut did not have access to water bottles.

It is not socially healthy to be at boiling point all day sir.

You need to take a water bottle.

>>21029744
You sound like a complete subhuman

>>21029815
The Brothers Karamazov, Notes From Underground. Not the original Anon but this books gave me the greatest guidance.

Love and goodness and conscience are God, and they have to be God because otherwise life is nothing and all is meaningless. Read Dostoyevsky because I'm a bad writer and he isn't.

>>21029759
hope things improve for you.

I only could overcome 20 years of being like that taking lisdexamfetamine 5 days a week in the morning
shrinks usually try to push antidepressants before the stuff that actually works so good luck

I don't feel like I'm a real part of this world, just a trespassing guest in it. My thoughts are gone and what few are left are simplistic and repetitive observations. I feel completely divorced from my body and my soul and nothing feels real. A few months ago I fucked up my hair on purpose and wound up getting most of it shaved off just to see if it would jog something and make me seem like not a stranger or at least startle me in the mirror but I just didn't care. And it's not even a cool kind of don't care because I'm still a very neurotic, skittish, and self-conscious person.

I haven't had any social contact in years since dropping out of college and it feels like people and I are on a different wavelength now and just don't jive. I'll make a joke and my mom will pretend she doesn't hear, or I'll compliment someone and they won't reply. And it's like this with everyone. For lack of a better word, no one is receptive to me. I think I'm a normal guy. Stupid, but easygoing. I don't have autism or anything like that. I feel strong empathy and even feel like I'm other people more than I'm actually myself. The characters I write feel more alive than I do. I don't get sad or angry about anything or else I'd feel that way all the time. I don't have a personality and it feels like I'm performing, involuntarily shuffling through different archetypes depending on the context. NOT in some sociopathic way but like I'm reluctantly being forced to, like other people's personalities overpower my own. I'm insanely retarded in a way I can't put into words. Very stupid and always make a fool of myself in such a ridiculous way that it seems predetermined. When I talk to people it feels like I'm staring at a dialogue wheel in an RPG where every single choice is retarded and wrong. My mind is blank during conversations and I don't really know how to reply to things. I used to be a charismatic guy but now I'm not.

Basically I just feel like a dead-inside and ugly loser who isn't meant to be alive. The only time I truly think and feel emotions and feel actually alive is when I'm high - it's like there's a part of me missing that temporarily gets put back into place then. All other times, I'm a husk. And I've felt this way since I was a kid, long before touching drugs. I've also been sober now for four years. I don't sleep well and when I do I don't dream. I've never had a real friend and the one relationship I've had felt similarly numb and off. I can't remember the last time I've felt any kind of hope or happiness. Something feels missing and wrong.

What's wrong with me? As crazy as I'm sure it sounds, it feels like I'm lost between dimensions. Thank you if you read this.

Just get into magic

>>21029759
That sounds like mild psychosis and is probably not from normal depression.

>>21029846
holy shit anon you've just vocalised exactly how I've been feeling, down to a t. Especially the feeling stupid and not knowing what to say and then coming across as more stupid

I have a little advise, although I'm also trying to figure this out

Get involved in something where you are surrounded by people who nourish you. Man cannot live alone, you need to reestablish those social connections and as long as people are treating you with respect even the uninteresting ones are worth it because they will help your self esteem. But what you need is to find likeminded people and to be inspired by them, this is also maybe why you're finding it hard to communicate: sometimes other people just aren't thinking along the same thread and you end up grasping at straws.

Also, you sound emotionally repressed. Meditate and journal, create a place away from everything and everyone where you can honestly elucidate how you feel and your selfhood will start to take more shape as you realise that you really are thinking and feeling, but those feelings are just strange and uncomfortable. But you clearly have a lot to say, and intelligently, judging by the way you have written this post
3. Try to focus on things outside of yourself, for their own sakes. Over focusing on your metacognition can dry up your conversational skills because the only thing you'll have left to talk about it yourself. Get into a sport or read into a very specific niche and explain it to people

I am so tired of this site. It isn't entirely bad in itself, but all I do these days is refresh the catalog hoping to read something interesting. I'm alone, and this board has given me good laughs and suggested good books to read. But now the novelty has ended, and I wish this board wasn't the most intellectually stimulating place I know of. YouTube is lacking, books are not great for repose, and I don't know of any other site which offers the motley array of topics 4chan does. Gems are few and far between. In my novitiate days even the shitpost were stimulating, and I sat there laughing and wondering why people complained so much. Now I see how tiring it is; how ennui takes over when one realizes how pernicious and vapid these post are. I just wanna get permabanned now. How does one achieve that in the least crude and attention-grabbing way?
Thank you for everything, anons. I honestly didn't even know there was so much out there, but I need to live my life now. Find people to have conversations with; find like-minded people and not hang out with people so different from myself. I felt so alienated before, but this place made realize that I like learning and discussing about smart things. I don't care how conceited I sound; I know I'm not smart, but I do like trying to learn at least.

>>21029834
Thanks.
>>21029873
Could be to be honest. I've been feeling like this since I bashed my head against the table the other day.

>>21029815
https://integral-review.org/issues/vol_14_no_1_cook-greuter_construct_aware_stage_and_the_fool_archetype.pdf

>>21029846
>I'm insanely retarded in a way I can't put into words.
IKTF

BUMP until you tell me how to get permabanned

>>21029992
I think it's pretty much impossible to get permabanned. Not even the gross niggers posting cunny on /tv/ or sarahs on /v/ get permabanned.

>>21029908
Thank you very much for your kind, well-written, and insightful post, anon. I've been trying to make some friends as I've noticed in the past that I'm more "myself" and more "real" when I'm around people I'm comfortable with and can play off of, but at the moment I'm alone with no one in my life at all. (I live in NYC so this feels especially pathetic.) A few years ago I found a writing Meetup group that seemed okay, but one week later it shut down due to COVID and, despite it reopening, I'm not yet welcome back because I didn't take the jab. On the rare, desperate occasion where I exchange emails with someone from here, they never write to me. And it's difficult to blame them - even I don't want to be around myself; why would anyone else?

The overwhelming impression I get from the world and all my failures is that I simply don't belong here. I don't mean for that to sound like I'm a whiny fourteen-year-old, it's just an increasingly undeniable observation.

>>21030028
>The overwhelming impression I get from the world and all my failures is that I simply don't belong here. I don't mean for that to sound like I'm a whiny fourteen-year-old, it's just an increasingly undeniable observation.
Same here. In fact, I'd think a real teenager would be unable to accept this. I'm probably much older than you so trust me when I say it will get worse. Unless you dig deep now

>>21030028
Know your worth, try not to be too concerned with people who dont try with you. That being said, you must express genuine like for and acceptance of others to be accepted yourself, most of the time before you receive any inclination of it from the other.

The other problem i face that you may also is that my ego is unrealistic. I think of myself as so stupid I must secretly be intelligent and thus too profound to be understood by anyone else. This kind of thinking is just insanity, all this self hate just loops back into sustaining an individuality complex. So quit it, because it's not real, you will die anyway and everybody else with more than two braincells feels ultimately alienated from themselves and from eachother, they're just more distracted from it than you because they have more hobbies and are indulging in the life affirming euphoria that comes with nourishing human connections. You're not especially stupid, you and I are probably quite average, but in the end being great is not about intelligence, it's about concentration and focus.

>>21029846
Maybe you would benefit from going somewhere new. If the people you’re in contact with now don’t respond to you they’re probably not good for you. Find a new community, move change jobs. Get in touch with nature maybe. You have to do something to change your life. You have nothing to lose.

>>21030053
NTA, but how old are you? I'm 29 and I think it's time to end things.

>>21030077
A few years older than you. I've always felt defective and ever since I was young I remember marveling at how generally competent and comfortable in their own skin other people are. I can't tell you how many times I've had to step back and watch someone take over a problem I can't solve or fix one of my fuck-ups at school or on the job. I don't know where people got this mastery of things. I thought I'd grow into it but I didn't. I am just a very old and sad child. I feel like a bug that reincarnated as a human. I've never had a real connection with anyone that I didn't poison with my strangeness and ineptitude. The time to kill myself was a decade ago. Hope, cowardice, and my family were the only things keeping me here.

you guys need to level up your perception

>>21029744
Fatty fatty boombalatty

>>21029744
You are never too far gone to find your way back home my beloved son and brother. <3 Just start with whatever you can, and then next time, a little more. Eventually you'll be back to where you need to be.

>>21030122
These types of posts make me immensely sad. I want to befriend and love this anon

>>21029909
>now the novelty has ended, and I wish this board wasn't the most intellectually stimulating place I know of.
That’s how every social media platform goes, they all become a circlejerk of themselves. If you want to find actual scholarly people then your best bet is either going to college and trying to get into academia and make connections, or maybe joining mensa and becoming an active member.

>>21029744
Do a dopamine detox

Clean your diet, cut out sugars, refined grains, and seed oils

Stop mindless internet scrolling, stop looking at porn

Do concentration meditation.

You’ll be back to normal in a month.

>>21029931
This

Eventually you have to laugh at the absurdity

>>21030423
pointless

assumption: learned helplessness
therapy: regular chess puzzles and tournaments
commentary: you will have measurable improvement and compete against other humans. there is no dopamine-trap like with other videogames, nobody got ever "addicted to chess".
long term therapy: pursue goals with methods mentioned in lit's self help canon, atomic habits, deep work, etc

>>21030830
> nobody got ever "addicted to chess".
Lmao absolutely wrong

>>21030833
got a case study?
>he ruined his life with chess, hopeless.
i dont believe it

>>21030122
Can't bother to write more but this is very clearly a biased outlook. People are, in less you're literally retarded, generally of an equal competence in things. Consider: You fuck X up because you can't do X, you do this in a crown, someone comes forward, fixes X, and goes off. Outcome; "I'm so worthless!" But no: it's the fact that you were in a crowd and that ONE of the people with the aptitude to fix that particular X were present, and then, in your misery, you generalised that capability to the whole crowd.

This isn't to say that you don't suck or aren't worthless (you probably are; most people, myself included, are, these days), merely that your self-hatred is severely distorting your thoughts. Everyone is just as fucked as you, just that the normals aren't self-aware enough to know it, the losers don't leave their houses, and the ones who do know that life is about signalling confidence and can fake it.

One of the most critical things one can learn (though one can't actually learn it as the willingness is innate) in life is to lie as brazenly as possible. If someone calls you on your shit just keep lying your arse off. This works doubly so for feigning ability in areas in which you have none. It's hard for people to actually Grok whether you know what your talking about as they usually default to considering statements as true, rather than actually ascribing a % truth to each. This is why lying is such a superweapon, and why historically the epithet 'lier' was the worst one could have. It works until it doesn't, and then there's a collapse in trust that destroys one's hopes. I'm rambling.

>>21030833
>AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAAH
>i THINK IM GONNA
>CASSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

>>21029992
BUMP FOR THE SAME FUCKING REASON.
I have to get off this cesspit.

>>21030834
Bobby Fischer is literally the only chess player Americans know and he went completely schizo because of it

>>21030846
I don't mean some skill or whatever learned on the job. I mean something more ineffable, an unlearned mastery of things that comes from having a point of cohesion, a concrete self. I don't have these things. Even if what you say is true - it is - then I am just that more retarded than the general population. Like, ontologically retarded, not woven right. I blew through the rationalizations in your post when I was in my early 20s. They were not satisfying. People will accept the darndest narratives about everyone else before ever daring to contemplate the possibility that they are mediocrities.

I shouldn't have to lift weights or take up gardening to feel like a real human bean. Some people really are just fucking loveless, broken losers and don't belong here. It's fine. That's life. Accept it. I have, but it doesn't mean I have to stick around for it.

>>21029744
I think you're doing great OP
Don't stop, keep going.
You've got this
Y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ ̶g̶o̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶g̶r̶e̶a̶t̶
You are great

>>21029846
Join a local board game group

I've not enjoyed switching to remote work. It's dulled my social faculties, damaged my sleep, and the last 3 years feel more or less a blur that may as well have not even happened. I've let several important opportunities pass me by because of that comfort.

>>21029815
The classics generally.

>>21030925
How do you dash through the words? I've wished to do that forever.

>>21030923
You're trying to exceptionalise your mediocrity. You aren't a special loser, just a loser. Everyone's a loser. Life is a joke and the only metric people gauge 'winners' by is social applaud. You're nothing special, just a generic loser. In that acceptance is your only hope.

You also shouldn't romanticise others lives, all of whom lack the pleasantries that you've attributed to them; life's a hell for all.

>>21029744
I’m not a boozehound or a junkie but I’m addicted to the worst drug of all: idleness.
This picture hits too close to home, ever since I was a kid I've been skating by, thinking I was “winning” by doing so.
I’ve internalized the “brilliant but lazy” and wagie ragie memes.
Now I’m addicted to cheap dopamine hits and even thinking about doing things that require effort gives me withdrawal symptoms.
There’s a reason Sloth is listed as one of the deadly sins, it’s a drug that will sap your willpower if you always go for the lowest effort option.
Truth is you have to put in the work, everyone that ever amounted to anything had to.
Napoleón, Einstein, Muhammad Ali, talent will only get you so far, everyone that ever succeeded at anything did so because they sucked it up and put in the work.

>>21031273
You can recognize your gene/soul gated out of a normal life without trying to exceptionalise it. But if I could convey this feeling to you perfectly, I guess it wouldn't exist. Thanks for trying though.

I live in country where its almost impossible to buy legally.
Are you guys aware of any shotguns getting sold over darknet?
So they can send me it by post so I can have ultimate literary death like Hemingway and blow my head at 27 like Cobain?
I bought every drug imaginable that way but I never actually saw guns km the darknet

This thread makes me very sad

>>21031364
It's always like this with you "suicidal" fuckers who are still here. It's impossible to change and predetermined in your genes/soul/brain/upbringing whatever that nothing can ever improve, but that doesnt stop you talking about it and circlejerking about how much life sucks for you.

Any action or change is rejected as impossible.

FUCK OFF back to r9k

>>21031516
You sound madder about it than I am. Come back in a few years.

>>21029997
There's no way I can't get permabanned. I've read a post from someway on the War and Peace thread say he can't participate because he got permabanned on his real IP.

>>21029846
Everything you describe is normal, mundane, the daily experience for millions of people failling into the broad 'hikikomori' category. Feeling alienated from other people, experiencing depersonalisation and derealization: typical psychological reactions to being socially isolated for extended periods of time. Not knowing what to say in conversations, feeling like you don't have a personality - there is really nothing special here. That's why constructing a fatalistic narrative ("I was never meant to be alive") as an attempt to make sense of this situation seems foolish to me. This kind of self-knowledge with the pretension of being final and conclusive is simply unattainable, it's fiction. That narrative is also suspect, because it removes responsibility for the outcome of your life and implies that it could only have been this way, since you were born with a special kind of affliction. Maybe there is a fatalistic force at work, maybe there isn't - but there isn't really any way to know this. Your post lacks this kind of epistemic humility and seeks comfort in the stability of a illusory conclusion.

>>21029765
kek

>>21031540
That wasn't me, BTW. I hope you get better, though, like for myself, I don't expect it.