/lit/ - Literature

What makes me a bad writer?

>>20978776
For starters, you wrote genre shit.
Also nobody here writes.

>>20978752
my work is on amazon

>>20978791
Ok, but why?

I have trouble thinking about what to write and the act of writing itself.
somewhere i read that each uses a different part of the brain?
i outline, and that separates the two a bit, but once you start writing, everyone is a pantser to some extent.
i hope it gets easier to mix thinking about what to write and writing as i progress.

Honestly, the writing general should just be a place where we share excerpts from our favorite stories, and analyze them with others in order to ascertain what works and what doesn't. Reading others' "analyses" and having them read ours; it doesn't have to be deep; we could just write how it made us feel, and what made it unique or not lacking. We would have a united goal rather than being an assortment of disparate writings strewn about.
We should also have a prompt dedicated to each thread, and write a max-1000 word story based on it. Maybe we could have 3 prompts in total; suggested by the first 3 (serious) replies. Specifying the POV and genre if they so wish.
This would have us read more, write more, and have us debloating that ugly OP.

>>20978692
I do but that doesn't mean I'm part of that community.

My writing is like writing in a diary, only instead of writing about me and my life, I do world building and short stories.

https://pastebin.com/q3M8PH9D

Finally started to get consistent wordcounts per week. Is anyone else writing short stories on the side?

>>20979013
It's literally all I do.

I have no idea how the fuck to write something more than 10 pages long let alone 100.

>>20978958
I like this. I keep wanting to redo the OP myself but someone always posts the next thread before I can. I'm going to try and implement this for the next thread. I'll post some sample OPs in a bit.

These Amazon books are so shit. The covers curl

>>20979028
Please do.

Can someone give me the rundown on Royal Road? Is it worth posting chapters of my novel there? My book is already up on Amazon but I would like people to read the first several chapters for feedback and to see if they would like to continue.

If I finish my fantasy story, are you guys going to read it?

>>20979149
lol.

lmao.

>>20979162
:(

>>20979075
Can't hurt to try, but I thought RR was for ongoing stories.

>>20979149
The more /wg/ authors come out the less I can read. Im sticking with litfic, scifi and horror. I dont normally read fantasy but sff general might.

Why do I obsess over meaningless metrics?

>>20979249
sense of accomplishment without actually accomplishing anything.

>>20979261
I'm not sure that's it. I don't feel any more accomplished after calculating them; I usually just feel disappointed that I didn't meet some imaginary preset goal.

>>20979075
there's kindle vella
it's like royal road

>>20979261
Delete this.

>>20979178
Are there even decent/wg/ authors?

I am reading my romance novel that defies the romance genre. The main girl helps the main guy cheat on his girlfriend to get with her.

>>20979454
Depends on what you're looking for.

>>20979457
**writing, not reading

>>20978728
new article (s)

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/enter-the-noble-savage

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/phenomenology-of-inceldom-fragment

new poem:

https://adolfstalin.substack.com/p/a-poem-about-knights-in-battle

>>20979454
I like Nesmer and Weedman the most. I'm not sure if Woolston counts but I like him too, also Wing (Emilyanon).

>>20979461
Just decent prose that tells a story without me rolling my eyes. Obviously I'm not expecting Melville or Poe tier writing, but anything better than Royal Road, Fanfiction, or shitty self insert memoirs from Twitter.

Quick write I did at work:

"The crack in my mug isn't seeping liquid." Joel said.
"I wonder if it will break before the world ends." Leeann said, sarcastically. "you've had that since you were nineteen!"
"Yeah, it's been around with me." Joel replied
The two of them stared out of the kitchen window, looking at the blanket of autumn leaves covering the back lawn. Orange was their mutual favorite color, the walls of the kitchen were pale orange, and sparsely decorated.
They never bothered raking the leaves.
Joel watched them fall, slowly uncovering the trees. He had coffee in his cracked mug, with pumpkin spice stirred in, turning it orange: Albeit a very muddy shade.
"How long until it starts snowing, do you think? Leeann asked Joel, "It's the fifth today, right?"
"Well it started last year on the tenth, but it's warmer this year." Joel said, after taking a sip. "I'd say the fifteenth, unless a cold front moves in, then maybe as early as Tuesday" Joel took another sip.
Leeann got up from the stools at the island, stretching and yawning as she strode over to the fridge. She was wearing a pair of worn slippers, which made a shuffling sound on the white linoleum.
"Are we going to your parent's for Thanksgiving this year?" Leeann said as she cracked open the fridge, a cool breeze rushed around her ankles.
"Yeah." Joel said, "What's for breakfast though?"

>>20979457
Transgressive fiction is cheap thrills. If all you have to build on is a direct reaction to the established conventions, you're going to (ironically enough) be limited to only achieving what's already been achieved by those conventions.

What’s the difference in sentences structure that changes our view of the sentence in question?

For example:

His skin was of the wrong color.

vs.

He had the wrong skin color.

One implies that their skin was literally colored wrong, the other implies that their race is wrong. This is to me at least. How does sentence structure affect the meaning of the sentence in particular?

What makes me a bad writer?
something something Kim Wexler something something

>>20979149
sure

>>20979566
First one's subject is the skin, in passive voice, one extra word.
Second one's subject is the guy. Seems like this second one is less abstract and is saying He has a problem rather than his skin has a problem. Maybe you could conclude he had normally a different color of skin with either sentence, but I'd be more inclined to think the first sentence would do that. Say if someone had sunburn an onlooker would be looking at the skin as if it were damaged and given time would be normal, but the second like you say seems to imply the skin is natural for the subject, but not to the narrator, who now faults the subject.

>>20979521
If you want >prose then give Egregore a try.
If you're fine with market prose, try Faceless.

added to the pastebin and updated the link for undying emperor. the gardner spam was annoying so i left for a awhile and lurked until it was over.

>>20979626
>prose
What do you mean by this? I didnt think Egregore was too fancy. I suppose the schizology sections were confusing but that's it.

>>20978728
Reminder that i made it and so can you.
Don't give up.

>>20979662
It him
And I wont give up, just need to write more often.

>>20979249
I also check in on this stuff and it's informative but you shouldn't view it as right vs wrong. Sometimes voice or subject matter shift between scenes which explains sentence/paragraph length changes- but it can be a tip off that your voice is drifting between chapters. But short sentences aren't necessarily bad.

>>20979658
It's the most pushed linguistically of anything I've read from here, and significantly more than what you'd find on a best seller list (which is not something to strive for)

>>20979454
The guy who wrote the Zegrath story was pretty good.

>>20979690
What do you think technically he did more? I could feel it but not so good at reverse engineering literary devices. Even though some of the metaphors were clunky, like the fishbowl, the setup for a lot of the language seemed really satisfying to the point things like subtle or big changes in font, boldness, etc would alarm me.

>>20979690
I read the Amazon preview weedman writes well. But I'm not really into horror. Anyone writing a historical fiction?

>>20979865
I only heard of Wing's Chinaman story. Not sure if he published it yet but he shared a manuscript on /wg/. I plan on writing an historical fiction but its at least 2024 until I publish that. It would be my third book and I want to be more serious in my effort. It's the Achaemenid Persia story, a setting that practically isnt seen in that genre. Which baffles me. Because theres some decent historic record of it now, just no fiction besides retellings of Esther.

>>20979545
You say that, but I doubt anything you're writing will ever achieve anything greater than that. Trying to create something original without working on what's established as good is like walking in the dark.

>>20979812
I'm not exactly praising him for using unclear language. Strangely, his prose actually cleans up in part 2 when he's too busy describing The Thing compared the mundane stuff he describes in part 1. It seems pretty obvious to me that he was intentionally describing things redudently for linguistic flourish. Consider the way it opens
>Slow rolled a winter storm

Obviously, he writes it that way as a stylistic choice because of the schizo stuff, I'm not saying it's wrong that he describe's Tim's decay the way he did, just that it slows the pace of the story down tremendously.

I've only just now gotten to part 3 in the book, and my clearest criticism is it feels like he doesn't know when to use chapter breaks for dramatic tension.

>>20979961
I see. Sometimes I feel like autistic prose works kinda well with that genre. Im hoping I have good chapter breaks because I wrote out clearly the disaster/decision that each scene ends with, but the issue is the biggest disaster of a chapter may not be the last one. I was gonna discuss it with an editor to decide where the scenes ought to hit the hardest.

>>20979991
Are you also writing horror?

And yeah, there are times and places for it, but I think you can use a rule of thumb that you should save it for after the reader cares.

>>20980004
Well I was but it was only chapter 1 and the last quarter of it so I decided its better as litfic and just relaxed on how over the top it gets. I think i got worked up by the nightmares paralleling the inspiration for the book.

>>20979028
Previous Thread: >>20978728

Threadly Short Story (post your thoughts and analysis!): https://www.gutenberg.org/files/55283/55283-h/55283-h.htm#THE_BET
Threadly Writing Prompt: Write a <2K word short story using at least three of the following (use the last three digits of your post if you wish; dubs/trips are wild)
>1 Clown, 2 Spoon, 3 Charcoal, 4 Lemons, 5 Gunpowder, 6 Haruspex, 7 Chalk, 8 Star, 9 Coil

Books:
>Elementary Composition: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/48673/48673-h/48673-h.htm
>The Elements of Style: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/37134/37134-h/37134-h.htm
>The Poetics of Aristotle: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/1974/1974-h/1974-h.htm, https://english.hawaii.edu/criticalink/aristotle/index.html
>The Technique of Fiction Writing: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/32092/32092-h/32092-h.htm#v
>Short Story Writing: https://www.gutenberg.org/files/20526/20526-h/20526-h.htm#chapter_10

Videos:
>Sanderson's Lectures: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSH_xM-KC3Zv-79sVZTTj-YA6IAqh8qeQ
>Robert Olen Butler's Inside Creative Writing: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLTCv6n1whoI23GmdBZienRW0Q0nFCU_ay
>Paul Gulino Interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXE_4QOQkYA&ab_channel=FilmCourage

/wg/ Authors and Flash Fiction Pastebin: https://pastebin.com/ruwQj7xQ

>>20980038
I really like this version, my only suggestion would be to change the short story and prompt from threadless to weekly (e.g. Week of 9/12/22) to allow more time to write and read what is shared.

>>20980177
Threadly*

>>20980038
I'm this anon>>20978958
I don't believe we should only have a single prompt per thread since the OP will have all the power, and if the other anons aren't interested in his interest then that defeats the entire purpose. It should be worthwhile for as many people as possible. Another point, perhaps the word cap should be lower than it is. 2000 words are at least 3 post. It's too much. Maybe cap it at somewhere between 500-1000 words? Last of all, I don't think sharing entire works is conducive for an analysis. We should just stick to excerpts; say 1-3 paragraphs or shorter. Of course, this should be accompanied by your thoughts first and foremost. Otherwise, why would anyone care to contribute if you didn't? Idk, these are just my opinions

>>20978958
Sounds great.
>>20980251
Sounds sensical.

>>20980038
Since it is about analyzing and making critiques, I hope those books teach you how to do that, how to do close reading.
The only one I have read is Aristotle's. How are the rest?

>>20980038
>>20980300
Oh, that "Elementary Composition" book looks quite solid! It has content regarding the most basic elements to the whole of a text, and also plenty of exercises. This one I will read, when possible.
As for the others, I cannot infer the quality of their content from their outlines alone.
Also, why is Strunk's "Elements of Style" so publicized? Not can you learn little from it, but some of the "rules" or advice therein are pretty much subjective and for the writer to decide.

>>20980386
*content ranging from
*Not only is little what you can learn from it
I apologize for these lapses. I verily wrote hastily, forsooth!

It came to pass that only one Predator nation remained - conquered by the Prey-forged sword, subjugated by their coin, or overthrown by rebellion, the myriad other Predators had not seen the dawn of the newest century. And, with its sisters and brothers consigned to the long night of history, the Kingdom of Hounds began to smell the musk of the Prey armies upon their own alpine borders. Thousands of Hounds fled the comi by massacre, and dozens of thousands more took up arms in defense of the final carnivore holdout. If the omnivorous legions would see their folk chained and chattled, then those Goats, Swine, and Raccoons would have to wade through countless bloody passes. The Hounds would see their mountain home crumble to gravel before their once Prey hoisted over those daring peaks their flag of conquest - and, indeed, many believed they would.

But yes, thousands fled. The airs of domestication and surrender would forever appetise a select few Predators, regardless of their species or breed. No furred folk would unanimously resist the cages of empire, nor the leashes of its citizenry. Indeed, such a bargain had swayed many Canines before, and the further the omnivore armies marched, the more packs submitted unto imperial rule. For them, a diet of synthetic kibble tasted far sweeter than a musket’s lead, particularly so when sweetened by the hope that the Canines, indeed, all Predators, would rise again - until, of course, there was only one nation left. And that Hound Kingdom lost ground by the day.

One particular son of that mountain land knew these truths well, and trusted regardless - regardless of how sour his domestic kibble would surely taste sans its revanchist toppings. Indeed, as the dhow ship upon which he had secured passage crawled up the continental coast, he assured himself of his new life’s new taste, and how better it would be than that of conscript rations, of yet another battle fought and, outnumbered, lost. That refugee son, a Borzoi by breed, now a gambler by trade, forever a rogue by demeanor, was Vachellia Psovayov, and his was a cruise to a neighboring state, one of countless in the Prey Defensive Coalition.

>>20979865
weedman gives me Nabokov vibes

>>20980553
>It came to pass that only one Predator nation remained - conquered by the Prey-forged sword, subjugated by their coin
Stopped reading there, pseud.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/17pRZVllHhwosdh_QEPGdFI7Yq22ijl4Z/view?usp=sharing

judge my work

I read a book called The Hating Game, and it was so simple and almost superficial, but it was top of the charts in the romance section. I thought to myself "I could do that". So now that's what I'm doing. But I'm breaking conventions. I'm going to write a romance novel involving infidelity and drama. It's titled "We're Toxic".

https://docs.google.com/document/d/15pxF9T8kU6xGkWXs8aPrq-7tZqI6DeGVF7yVTKr_ZB4/edit?usp=sharing

Here's chapter 1. Read it if you want.

>>20980596
>infidelity and drama
Isn't that literally every romance novel? I mean arguably the most famous literary romance novel of all time, Anna Karenina, is about exactly that.

Can someone tell me why am I a horrible writer?
>>>/vrpg/2775269

>>20980614
You'd be surprised. In the romance genre, readers hate cheating. They consider a kiss between the guy and some other girl before the guy starts dating the main girl as cheating. And if there's even a hint of cheating readers will 1 star it on goodreads and drop it. I'm just going to market it as such and display it proudly so no one can claim ignorance.

>>20980632
That's cheating on the girl. Cheating on the guy in those novels is perfectly fine to women.

Got four poems done today. I’m growing in strength.

Just posting this here because the thread got pruned, luckily I capped it beforehand, enjoy, made me laugh.

>>20980642
The only thing that's growing is your testosterone deficit.

>>20980641
Correct. In my novel, the guy cheats on his girlfriend with the main girl, and when she tells him to break up with his girlfriend, his girlfriend suffers a tragedy, and so he doesn't want to break up with her until she's back on her feet. So he doesn't break up with his girlfriend. After a while, she gets pissed off he still hasn't broken up with his girlfriend.

>>20980650
Wow based janny doing their job 1 time out of a million! BASED! HECKEN BASED!

Neck yourself janny.

How would you write this sentence?

Something bubbled up in his throat, and he bent over and leaned against the window sill with both hands. His head fell upon their ghastly white knuckles, and he gagged repetitively like a frog.

>>20980674
>their knuckles
his knuckles
>repetitively
repeatedly

>>20980591
it's not bad, idk if you've edited it or if this is a revised draft yet, but the two biggest pieces of advice I'd say is

1) check your verb agreement - i.e. the 3rd sentence in the very first paragraph says "i knew" and then every other verb in the sentence is present tense, and not only is that grammatically incorrect, but it also makes it hard to read

2) get familiar w diff kinds of punctuation - you've got a lot of short punchy sentences and i get the effect you're going for, but it would read a lot smoother and convey a better sense of time and pacing if you get familiar w colons, semicolons, hyphens and the like.

none of the mistakes make it unreadable by any means. only other style critique i'd give ya is to spend more time *showing* instead of *telling*, weave character appearances and traits into the story versus big chunks of just "Jenny is tall with blonde hair and blue eyes and is a hard worker who doesn't take any crap" if that makes any sense? but yeah seems interesting, the first little bit is engaging,

also just wild guess, you're a female right? writing just comes off super effeminate, just a personal question

also if you wanna read mine lol i'd appreciate it
>>20980591

>>20980674
>his head fell upon their ghastly white knuckles.

In this sentence, their seems to be referring to his head, rather than his hands. Should be

> his head fell upon both his ghastly white knuckles

>>20980674

Something bubbled up in his throat and he bent over, leaned against the windowsill bracing himself with both hands. As his head collapsed against his ghastly white knuckles, he started to gag over and over, like a frog struggling to croak.

>>20980596
sorry im an idiot and tagged my own post, i commented on your stuff here >>20980679

>>20980679
1) yeah it was originally in present tense and I went back and tried to change it to past tense, but I inevitably missed some sections.
2) This is good advice, I'll look over my work and try to weave it in.

Also I am not female. I just opened The Hating Game and studied the craft of Romance Novels. I read the book very carefully, annotated it, and made something in a very similar style. The author of the Hating Game is female tho. As for the way the descriptions appear, that was how the descriptions appear in romance novels. The woman just notices his appearance and comments on it, in an enemies to lovers, she describes conventionally attractive things in a disgusting and negative light, but I'll see if I can make it more natural.

>>20980674
Something gurgled deep in his stomach, then, gripping the windowsill with both hands he leaned on his belly. He fell quickly to his knees and rested his head on his hands, holding the sill with a white knuckled grip. Heaving repeatedly, he sounded like a croaking toad, or a cat trying to expel a large hairball.

Thanks to whoever of you recommended the 3AM Epiphany exercise. This was surprisingly difficult and I don't know if it's apparent but I really struggled with the "Do not tell a story" part. Probably too on the nose as well. First thing I've written since grade school so any critique is welcome.

>>20980596
>I read a book called The Hating Game, and it was so simple and almost superficial, but it was top of the charts in the romance section.
How much money do these really make anyway?

>>20979526
Stop punctuating your dialogue with periods, unless it ends the sentence.
>"Yeah," Joel Said.

We’re all going to make.
Well at least I’m going to make it.
Any of you guys “make it” yet? (100k amazon ranking or better)

>>20980998
I make £3 a day on average. I don't know how to increase that :( Is it worth selling my books on the street or at conventions?

>>20981004
write a really good book

>>20980743
>how much money do these really make anyway?
Romance genre is a 1.5 billion dollar industry and The Hating Game is one of the highest rated workplace enemies to lovers books. It made so much money it got turned into a movie.

>>20981004
No it’s not. If no one knows you online, shilling in person will not help.
Reminds me of when unknown authors want to do author signings. To who, the 5 fans spread across the world all to meet in down town’s library?

What an incredible idea. I'm going to pirate this and try it out myself.

>>20981044
how do i write 50,000 words about two people falling in love?

>>20980750
Thank you anon, I appreciate it.

>>20981071
Great question. It's a lot easier than you think. They all follow a simple formula. In fact, there's a plot beatsheet for romance novels you can follow that you can just look up. And on top of that, there are books that teach you in depth how to write a romance novel, like "Romancing the Beat" (which has several sequels for different specific types of romance novels).

First I suggest you look up a popular romance novel and read it. To write a romance novel, you need to read a successful romance novel and get familiar with the tropes. Then once you've read enough to understand the flow and style, find one that may not be as popular bot has elements you enjoy, because enjoying what you write is always good. This could be a romance novel about some broke ass guy getting picked up by a billionaire gilrfriend. I don't know your fantasies but it probably exists.

Once you've read one or two romance novels, read the how to write a romance novel and if you don't even know how to write a story, then read Story Engineering by Larry Brooks (the first few chapters are repetitive and pointless, but stick with it)

>>20980998
I'm GMI. Made it at all kinds of things so far in life, surely I have the wherewithal.

No one has told me the reasons for my shit writing.

>>20980743
Where did you get that prompt? Is it from the 3AM book?

>>20981151
From some anon. Thoughts on the writing?
>Is it from the 3AM book?
Yes

>>20981177
lol sorry for being such a dick.

I enjoyed it, I have a really hard time describing scenery and I think it's because I have a really limited vocabulary, how did you get so good at it?
I was looking forward to seeing the "by a person who has just lost a parent in a sudden, unexpected death" part, but I guess it's still a work in progress.

>>20981004
>3 a day
>I can't even sell a book in 3 months

>>20981004
Post your work.

>>20981212
Look up Dick Hicks on amazon

>>20981202
>I enjoyed it, I have a really hard time describing scenery and I think it's because I have a really limited vocabulary, how did you get so good at it?
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
>I was looking forward to seeing the "by a person who has just lost a parent in a sudden, unexpected death" part, but I guess it's still a work in progress.
It says not to mention the person or tell any story, only to describe the scene through their eyes. Originally I made the guy a doctor and have flashbacks of his childhood trips there but then I re-read the prompt and removed that.

>>20981220
Oh, you're the incest smut guy.
Do you have anything on mom-son stuff?

>>20981221
Maybe you'd need to make your narration more depressing or darker to make themes of death and regret stand out.
I would place emphasis on nature's most amoral and ruthless elements, the loneliness of the environment, man's out-of-place presence in nature, something like that.

>>20981249
Oh cool. Didn't even occur to me. Thanks

>>20979075
You want to release on RR first to get readers, then remove it once you post to Amazon. Putting up one sample chapter won't get anyone's attention.

>>20980743
I can't do this exercise. I tired so hard to describe it, focusing on the inhuman aspects of nature and such.
But I can't.

I'm not a writer at all. Why am I even doing this? I just want dialogue.
How long did it take you to write that?

>>20981299
I guess you'd be looking at things disorderly if you were thinking about that. Flow and patterns, textures. I can't do it.

There is no ground. No base.
I'm both sand and ragged rock, I'll never be a writer. The logical path is suicide.

>>20981309
This thread. They won't answer. Persona non grata. The lone observer not unlike the narrator on the forest. Trees spreading on flat terrain.

>>20981299
>>20981319
It took me the better part of a day.
>I'm not a writer at all.
One exercise doesn't prove jack shit my friend. "A writer" isn't (necessarily) someone who can simply write anything anywhere. I can think right now of certain prompts that I would be stumped by too. There are probably things you're better at writing than I am. We are all here to learn.

>>20981319
>>20981299
Oh and btw from your posting history it's obvious that you know how to write about how you feel and what's going on in your head so maybe that's your strong point. Why don't you try writing character based stuff with strong internal monologues and character development?

>>20981319
>>20981299
Nope You're a better writer than me! Look at this garbage I just wrote! Utterly disastrous and terrible in every sense of the word! Your video game disco esylum work is undoubtably better than mine! So you're a real writer!

>>20981319
>>20981299
Oh and also (sorry) although it only took me a little while to write that I tried at first, gave up shortly, and let it mull around in my head for a day before picking it up again. At that point it came naturally. I think you should take a more relaxed approach like that and let it flow naturally. See if that works for you.

>>20981338
this is fucking terrible.

>>20979526
An average interaction but make it orange

>>20980596
I read the hating game
It's painfully average, but good for a kindle romance novel. It also started off as starwars fanfiction so the author had an fanbase going in

>>20981368
I know!

>>20981117
You seem so certain, but what have you planned out?

Is there a discord for this general?

>>20981235
lol. Chapter 4 and 5 of Daddy Horror has mom-stepson stuff. "Stepmom and Stepdaughter" too if you want milf action

>>20981338
What's so bad about this? I don't get your obsession with me.
>>20981322
>>20981331
Everyone would feel like me then but you're probably right. The thing that made me want to get into art it's so nonliterary in format.
https://youtu.be/5-kMhQY66FY

In drawing there is a train of thought "my style"
The refuge to all critique, ignorance that drawing is coordination. Hand and mind must be focused in slowly grinding away the vagueness of the mind image. The first translations into a page are exaggerated, we are not good at seeing.

People love their own symbols, have you ever tried to paint an apple? With the shading and volume? Humbling experience that your little symbols amount to nothing. You won't even get the basic shape right.

Perhaps I would be better suited for stream of conciousness zig-zagging around a narrative but I'm not there yet. It would be a caricature. Rigid learning is what I insist on, standards because if not, I don't want to write in "my style", my own parody.

Videogames are childish. The audience and debate are spume. This quest for writing quality I'm hopeless to attain is another refuge. No serious attempt consists of 500 words a day. No serious attempt involves no dialogue, waiting for the invisible retroactive barrier that I'll finally meet and say, I'm ready to start.

I study books when all I want is dialogue. Wasting time.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/17pRZVllHhwosdh_QEPGdFI7Yq22ijl4Z/view?usp=sharing

heres about 35 pages from the start of my novel, judge me

>>20981508
>What's so bad about this?
The dialogue doesn't advance the plot, provide any character development, it's cringey and dumb, and it uses a workman's modern day conversational flow when it's a fantasy piece!

>>20981508
Thanks for the kino recommendation anon. What made me want to get into art was a film too (pic related), particularly the ending.
>Rigid learning is what I insist on, standards because if not, I don't want to write in "my style", my own parody.
Based

Finally started plotting out my boys middle grade fantasy series. Hopefully I'll be writing within a week, barring any serious plot holes or something.

>open twitter account a year ago
>barely 100 followers
>some girl started in June of this year
>5000+ followers

What the fuck?

>>20981627
Anon barely anyone read my half page. What makes you think anyone is going to read 35 fucking pages?
>>20981671
How are you this naive? Is this bait?

>>20981671
You get one shot at Easy Street. Instead you got a dick. Congratulations.

>>20981683
I read Chinaman anon's 120 page manuscript.

>>20981716
Lmao why

>>20981627
i have lots of feedback (from just the first few pages), but it's subjective and i'm an amateur. if you want it anyway, i'm not going anywhere.

is there a global equivalent to Kadokawa/Nocturne? Fuck Qidian

>>20981671
>open twitter 8 years ago
>not even 100 followers
>some retard started last week
>1500+ followers
WHAT THE FUCK

More words today
Just discovered a dark twist
It will break the reader
Ima do it anyway

>>20981986
>the reader
A tad optimistic about the size of your audience mate.

How would you insert a poem in the middle of your story? Let’s say that in a short story, each character makes their dramatic introduction with a poem of some kind. Would it be structured the same as any other dialogue, or should it stand by itself in a completely separate paragraph following a colon?

Thou shalt not use singular 'they'. Abscond! V.. v-vamoose! And shit... Absinthe! No, wait, that's a drink... ABSIT! Abstain! Retard. It's incorrect. Okay?

>>20982039
I have 10+ consistent readers spank you very much.

>>20982433
That's at least 10 eyeballs on your work.

Congrats, anon.

any recommendations for litRPG, or something similar, on RR? my friend had recommended a few on scribblehub but i think the content on that website might be for RETARDS only (sorry friend).

>>20982529
LitRPG is a bad genre dominated by amateurs who dont understand it.

>t. Epic fantasy wherein MC is as strong as he'll ever be on page 1

Is litRPG the only thing that does well on RR? I wish to write a story on there, but if writing non-RPG diminishes my already abyssmal chances of getting read then I rather just self-pub

>>20981627
Personally I found the descriptions a bit abstract/not sensory/bodily and the huge chunky blocks of text felt sloggy and often repetitive. For example in first mega-paragraph we are told he is a teenager, youthful, fifteen years old, and boy/youth a few more times besides that.

>>20982051
They could speak it in dialogue or just center + italicize it, I do this for a few chapter openings. Just look at how Tolkien did it

I'm trying to write an action/mystery book for kids, along the lines of Scooby-doo, Courage the Cowardly Dog and Batman TAS. But I can't come up with good villains or non-convoluted plot to save my life. Any good books on cartoons writing?

>>20982741
Embrace 90's action cartoons instead. Write the next Gargoyles or Batman or Darkwing Duck.

>>20981627
I couldn't make it past page 2 before I lost interest. Sorry, anon. There's the young viking boy, and the old man who is king; they have conversation, talk about Mother, something about her doubt manifesting itself during a battle the king had when younger, lamenting not living a farm life, and I stopped there.

Simply the style of it left much to be desired. It felt like stock prose if that makes any sense. There wasn't any vitality to it, but perhaps I'm just a pseud.

>>20982645
Progression fantasy is already fulfilled by DBZ and Naruto

>>20982832
I keep trying to tell people that prose is not the correct way to tell progression fantasy. It relies on the visual spectacle of the violence so the escalation can be seen and felt and so you can flip back and forth to see the change.

What the hell can you do in text to replicate Naruto?

>Then he cast [Dark Windmill Raisen-ko] to deal 50,000,000 damage!

ok, i feel that.. but i still need a recommendation. i'd love to deconstruct the genre like (you) might have, but i'd also love to be surprised and not hate the content

>>20981338
>Gertrude observed Adah's posture remain stoic
You need to reword this. Also have 70% of her graduating class quit.

>>20982890
Naruto channeled the ki into his palm. The force of life found in all things the trees, animals, grass, rocks, clouds, the sun; the wind concentrated onto his palm. He swirled and contained the mass, feeling his master Jiraya by his side, the ki began to take form. A palmsize swirl of ki infused with the wind centered onto his hand. He stared at his opponent, his ex wife Hinata, the woman that stole half his belongings, his children, and his heart. Sharing it with a man he once called his friend, the dog fucker.
"Dark lighting rasganen!!!!" Naruto screamed hurling toward his target.

In a moment he felt a sharp shock to his ribs, the rasganen failed. His one attack for revenge was over.

"Pitiful, do you think you could satisfy me with such a small thing? That's always been your problem Naruto, you keep trying, but never could you satisfy anyone. Especially your wife."

>>20982710
kindel now has a service called "vella"
it's like royal road
don't know if it's what you're looking for but it's worth a look

>>20982741
watch scooby do and all those old shows and take notes.
then twist the villains and the plot to make it something new
the great thing about writing for kids is that they haven't learned all the cliches yet.

>>20982988
I'll agree you can write magic combat, but I don't agree you can meaningfully portray the growth in power, not remotely like what can be done with images.

>>20983014
I see what you mean, it'll definitely get tedious to describe all the lasers and flashes. The horrible dialogue gets hidden away too. But anime fans love infodumps. When I complained about another show, Bastard having too much info dumping they just laughed me off claiming I'm a brainlet for not understanding everything

>>20983038
Did you forget the part where I was the one saying it doesn't work in written form?

Or are you claiming to not be entertained by fight sequences like in One Punch Man or Demon Slayer?

Reviewfag here. Anyone with something on kindle need a review? I'm slowly going through the /wg/ catalogue and I'm about to finish Eggplant. Lettme know.

Anyone willing to read the first chapter of my NEET novel? It's a little under 6k words. I'm six chapters in. I thought I had something with it, but now I'm not so sure. I just want some feedback.

>>20983141
sure

>>20983068
There's only like 5 books buy whatever looks good. Boswells books.

>>20980300
The short story one covers that in detail (specifically analyzing one of Hawthorne's stories, which is included in appendix, throughout the book).

>>20983155
https://pastebin.com/iyc2SsWN

>>20980251
I tried to make the prompt more flexible for that reason. Technically there's 10 choose 3 (120) different possible prompts. Also making the OP post original analysis every time is a recipe for disaster. The OP should be just a template you can easily copy without much effort. Here all you have to do is come up with ten random words and a new story every time.

>>20983220
Read about filtering. https://www.scribophile.com/academy/an-introduction-to-filtering

>>20983220
Not >>20983155

but went over the text
You have to work on not repeating the same words over and over again. It was one of the first things that they have told us in uni. The rule of thumb is technically every other sentence, but I prefer to give it at least three.

is the dream by wombo app broken for anyone else or just me? just blank space under the style option
also: what about midjourney for covers? I thought it worked quite well, but reading into it, you'd need to pay to use it commercially, however can you still use the art when you already paid for it, but you unsubscribe after a month and already used the art commercially?

>>20983225
I see. I think I definitely have to cut down on that now. This is my first time writing in the first person so I didn't even realize I was doing it so often. I'm also not used to writing this much narration. My usual stories consist mostly of dialogue.
>>20983261
You're right. I'm trying to keep the style relatively simple, so it's kind of a crutch, I guess.

>>20983223
I understand, but the prompts don't make a lot of sense to me. My intent was having a 'measuring stick' we could all use to guide our judgement of others' work. Prompts such as: A young artist tries to find his way in the world, An ant's journey back home, A magical battle in the forest, or Four Romans find an alien ship.
Direct prompts we can work on. Also, I don't expect the OP to analyse anything or suggest anything except for a single prompt. The other prompts should be suggested by others; ideally the prompts should leave room for creativity and not pigeon-hole us into an entire story.

Idk, maybe this should be an entire thread on its own. Not a ton of peeps seem into it.

>>20983141
>>20983220
i'm not sure either, it depends.
you did say NEET novel but i wasn't expecting that
what are you planning with this?
also is this based on experience? do you have crohn's or something?

>>20983318
I plan on going into how he ended up being a NEET, why he feels he can't do anything about his situation, and eventually introducing a catalyst that gets him to do something with his life. I was a NEET for a while, but I've had a job for a while now, so I guess it's partly based on experience. And no, no Crohn's or anything like that.

>>20983316
Stream of consciousness is tricky. It feels easier to write with it, but I feel that limit's your options, unless you try to pull off
box-type narrative, eg. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad.

Where do you write /wg/?
I mostly on google docs and sometimes by hand in a notebook, but I feel like the white screen is super distracting for me so looking for any alternatives

>>20983365
Go into screen settings and adjust blue light. Your screwn can look more yellow, easier on the eyes. Sometimes fewls lije an old book.

>>20983365
word, dark mode

>>20980743
I'll try my hand at this, why not
Never really written before but you gotta start somewhere

>>20983365
Open Google doc -> file -> page setup-> activate pageless mode, set background color to dark gray/black

Set your font to a light gray color and minimize the top bar too. Now you have a kino writing setup.

>>20980743
>>20983424
well, here goes

He set out at dawn, and quickly his feet fell into the monotone scrape-step of the distracted. The first fifteen minutes he spent looking down, eyeing passing pebbles and shrubs with a forced interest, too harsh to shut them out for him and yet too dim for any one to catch his gaze for long. He counted all their shades without thinking, and likewise thought nothing of the fact he didn't know the names for most, or even for the stones that bore them. There wasn't much else to look at anyway.
When the pavement turned to gravel, as if of its own accord, and the ground sloped up, the path began to beat a grating tune that thrust upon him the first moment of lucidity. Then he glanced up, and saw that he was past the fence, and heading with good time into the fir-tree groves that lined the mountain's flanks. And the harsher rays of the morning now shone above those treetops that drew ever nearer, and made him squint, and the dirty green of their boughs was scorched to black against the rising sun. But he looked down again, almost content to know that he had not somehow misstepped.
He walked on into the shade, and all at once it felt as though a border had been passed and he heard the birdsong lilt from somewhere up ahead. The gravel sifted into sand, and with every step it deepened and his shoes were twisted by its instability. Now he looked up again, and ducked under a low-hanging branch and felt the needles scrape along his nape. And in that heartbeat he took note of the thrush that was singing in the branches to his right, and that the path now curved away from it, left and up; and he clocked it as unfortunate that the bird had not waited for him to pass by, but had now fled, even though he would have gone along the path and out of its sight in only a few seconds, leaving it in peace. Its panic-call cackled at him from behind the trees.
Now the thrush had gone, he found himself strangely piqued by the stillness around him, and he would have liked to look up again; but there were roots poking out from the ground and sand and he had to clamber over them, and his mind, enamoured by the task of taking wide and hardy steps one-two one-two along the shifting path, pushed that discomfort away, and was instead content to briefly watch a dungbeetle crawl labouredly over the twigs before inevitably being left behind.
But when after some time the path began to level out again he tore his eyes away from his feet and once again looked up, because there was a patch of sunlight on the earth and the trees cleared off to the left. Then he saw the town far below, and the first clouds of the day were forming above it, and the clearing was so wide that he had almost enough time to convince himself that they were moving, and that the wind was blowing south.

>>20983424
Short stories and prompts are great to improve. You dont have to go through all of that while writing longer fiction. I dedicate one day a week to short stories or essays.

Where’s a good place for original writing ideas?

>>20983670
/Wg/

>>20983675
nah that's just one faggot spamming samefag replies about either f gardner or a non-existent game depending on which way the wind blows

>>20983225
>Read this and realized that my fucking prose is full of this.
Goddamn it all to hell. Adding this to the sticky note I have attached to my laptop.

>>20982710
>Is litRPG the only thing that does well on RR?
Not even half of the top 100 are litrpgs.

>>20983003
Vella is subscription-based, isn't it? I can't see any platform you have to pay for grow anywhere near as big as free alternatives.

>>20983670
>schrodinger's original ideas

>>20981769
yes please let me know!

any feedback is better than nothing

>>20982727
what would you suggest doing instead?

>>20982788
not at all m8, the feedback is always appreciated, what would suggest doing differently if you were writing it?

>>20983670
Start with the Greeks bro

One or two spaces after a period lads?

>>20983225
>Every author has the job of pulling the reader into the story and making them identify with and care about the characters. If the author accomplishes that, the reader will be sucked into the fictional world as if they are living the events on the page. The reader will be able to sense the events as if they are in the fictional world themselves.
Correct.
>It’s especially difficult to avoid filters when writing in first person POV or in close third person. Problems happen when the writer inserts filters between the reader and the story. The extra words stand between the reader and the action, and reader is forced to view events at a distance—like watching a movie from the back of a theater.
Agreed.
>The reader is thus viewing the events filtered from afar instead of experiencing them directly in the front row. With the character acting as a filter, the reader is pushed away from the story.
Disagree. The reader isn't pushed away by filtering. The difference is that the reader is watching a play rather than participating in a LARP himself. To classify a play as less involved than a LARP fails to account for storytelling approaches. I don't like this wanton distaste for omniscience/"filtering" that all the people I've talked to seem to have. It's still a great way to write. It's just different than the contemporary approach, and especially conflicting with the popular Iceberg/minimalism approach.

>>20980596
>So now that's what I'm doing. But I'm breaking conventions. I'm going to write a romance novel involving infidelity
If you break the genre conventions of a romance, it's not a romance. No one will read it.

>>20980674
>Something bubbled up in his throat, and he bent over and leaned against the window sill with both hands. His head fell upon their ghastly white knuckles, and he gagged repetitively like a frog.
He leaned against the window sill and gagged as bile crept up his throat.

>>20981627
If you want to make your vikings feel alive, like real people, then you're going to have make their dialogue sound more natural. More modern. You sound like you're trying to mimic a Sir Walter Scott romance.
>“You know boy, I remember when I was your age, making ready to pass into
manhood and make my mark on the world, fantasizing that I might bring gold and glory
back to the realm...”

Read Bertold Brecht's play "Galileo" as an example. It's historic fiction, but uses modern language to sound authentic.

>>20983879
reading it now anon, I'm no pro (that's putting it lightly >>20983424 lmao) but there's a few things I can see off the bat. The most problematic for me is that your writing is clunky. The points that are meant to be impactful are not highlighted and become lost among the descriptions. For example,
>What else could be expected of the younger half-brother to their captain and once-exiled King of the realm of Norvegr?
This is the moment where the mc's familial ties are revealed and the previous talk about his fate and destiny to rule is backed up, but to me the sentence is too long and lacks the oomph that could imprint that fact into the reader's mind. Perhaps if some of the details were taken away and placed into the next sentence:
>What else could be expected of the half-brother to their captain, the King of the realm of Norvegr?
and then reveal that he is the *younger* one later on, and that the king was once exiled in the upcoming description of that character.
The second point that adds to the clunky factor is your strange mix of phrases that don't always go together, like
>occupying himself deep in thought
(with what?), or
>could not help but manage
("manage" implies difficulty doing something, while "could not help" implies its ease. Which is it?)
The dialogue feels unnatural too, what with Olaf saying "little brother" or "wolf-pup" every second breath. Imo you don't have to necessarily make it more modern if that's not what you're going for, only more human. For a young and fiery noble with little self-awareness, Harald sure talks like a narrator.
>For all his love and faith placed in my skills, I am left as no more than an object of that timid old man’s affection.

I hope I'm not talking out of my ass here. I hardly write, but I've read a fair bit, so maybe it's not all bad advice.

>>20982710
All sorts of genre fictions does well on RR.

Write on RR first and then publish later. The initial free readers will advertise for you and leave good reviews once you move to Amazon.

>>20983014
>I'll agree you can write magic combat, but I don't agree you can meaningfully portray the growth in power, not remotely like what can be done with images.

Power levels are shown through the story.The first enemy curbstomps the MC. A bigger villain handily beats the first enemy. Thus a hierarchy of power is established. When the MC finally overcomes the villain, it proves his growth.

The visual SFX are not that important.

>>20983220
What is the purpose of this chapter?

>>20983220
>Tap... Tap... Tap... Tap...
>Now.
isn't that five seconds, not four

>>20983904
It weighs your prose down with pointless, repetitive verbiage.
>I saw the outhouse explode.
>The outhouse exploded.
Filtering adds nothing but wordcount.

>>20980743
I gave you that exercise. Well done on actually making the effort to complete it. Making the effort to write is 99% of this game. You will need to keep making that effort now, all the time, to try and find what it is that can satisfy you, and that story that no one else can write. I won't critique your story, really. It's your first serious effort. I believe that the effort is the most valuable thing and the central thing to concentrate on. If you make getting critique a part of your writing process--writing, stopping, waiting for critique, being disheartened when it is negative, overly dependant on praise--well, that just isn't the process that is valuable. Only writing is valuable, your own solitary work. Imagine now what it would be like to have 52 little stories like that, one written a week for a year, all in different ways about different characters and scenes, but all on the same prompt. You might learn a lot in 52 stories. That happens with work.

I will briefly write about the first sentence you wrote. When you have written a story you need to come back to it with a fresh eye and ask yourself what is it, now, that you can see that you don't like? Ask yourself if every word is necessary. Is every phrase original, and if it is not original, does that unoriginality speak of something original in the text (e.g a man that speaks in clichés). In your first sentence, for example, do you need to use the word excursion? What kind of character uses a word like that? Is it your specific kind of character/narrator? Is it important to know in any way it is early September? Morning? As dawn breaks? Is 'dawn breaking' an original phrase? If not how could it be changed to be original? Same goes for the first words: He found himself. Is that an original way of saying it? Did he really find himself, as though he were literally lost to himself? Or is there something else that you want to say instead that this phrase only roughly hints at? Seek to be specific, because specificity is how you find originality. Go over this sort of process each time you reread a story, and also each time you read any story by anyone else.

Write every day like it's your life. Read every day the same way. Lots of books on writing can be valuable to read.

>>20983889
One brosky

>>20984197
Thanks anon. I've learned so much in the last 4 days. I'm going to try write a short story (4+ pages) now, let me know if you have any suggestions about what to make it on.

>>20980743
>>20984197
I'll write a little more because the idea of playing with that first sentence seems fun to me. Think of all the different ways that sentence could change, and how the style and tone, and the order that the information is presented, or what might be omitted or added to it, could change the whole story that stems from that beginning (I'll also add that redundency is one thing to look for as you reread your work. Dawn and morning both suggest each other. Using both is repetition, which may be an effect you desire, but it should be intentional and not something you are unaware of).

>He found himself alone on an excursion on an early September morning just as dawn broke.
>Dawn: he was alone.
>He was alone. It was morning.
>It was morning and he was alone.
>Morning, by himself, in early September.
>Morning, by himself, in late September. (early vs late. Is one better? Lateness ties in with endings and death, I think.)
>Morning, by himself, in late December. (what difference does a month make? Does changing it make it resonate with an important theme or image? Is December and Winter, as a ready image of death, appropriate, or too obvious? What would January suggest? April, June?)
>Dawn came and he was alone.
>On an early September morning he walked, alone.
>On an early September morning he walked alone. (even taking out that comma changes it. Without it there is now less weight on the word 'alone', and it is no longer kept separated from the rest of the sentence, which had made it, previously--perhaps fittingly--alone).
>It was a September morning--he was alone.
>It was a cold September morning and he was alone.
>It was a brisk September morning and he was alone.
>It was a cold, brisk September. He was alone.

On and on and on . . . there are so many options with writing, even in the smallest details, and they all change something on a small scale that might end up having dramatic consequences. The story that begins 'Dawn: he was alone' seems very different to a story that might begin as 'It was a cold, brisk September. He was alone.'.

Keep checking the 3AM book it has good prompts. I highly recommend A Swim in a Pond in the Rain by George Saunders to read some good stuff about writing.

I've hit a bit of a wall so some advice would be nice: I'm unsure how my book should start. It's a heavily character driven fantasy novel, so my problem pretty much purely stems from trying to balance out how quickly the plot progresses vs how well and how quickly I set my characters and concepts up. It's a hard issue to explain for me largely because the book's supposed to be a Lotr-esque travelogue where a band of explorers and religious missionaries fuck around in uncharted lands. There's a lot of folklore and magical elements involved since everything in-universe is based around slavic and norse mythology, the former more than the latter.

As it stands the book begins in medias res, during a very snappy, fast paced scene where there's little dialogue and a lot of environmental and action-based storytelling. This would then continue on until a wind-down point where the reader has a better chance to 'meet' the characters and figure out why they acted the way they did during the tense scene and yadda yadda yadda.

On the other hand, I had the idea of starting out further back into the story to show certain key events in the backstories of the characters. Since 90% of the plot is based around the reasons for each character's membership in the expedition and why each of them decided to go on a borderline suicidal exploratory mission, I'm kind of stuck between 'showing' their reasons vs having them be explained through dialogue and actions. I don't want the story to become overloaded with information and seem boring and expositiony, but I likewise don't want it to be too slow or too fast for its own good. A side part of this is all the magical and folklore elements I have, where the characters see them as being normal, since they are from a society in which they ARE normal, and often hand wave them away or give very brief explanations on them without going into exposition dump mode. I'm trying to leave a lot to the reader, and I'm scared that might confuse or bore people. Hitting that sweet spot is very difficult as of late. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

>>20984135
Just to introduce the character and set some things up, namely the birthday and the lack of libido. The chapter after his 26th birthday is when introduce a new element into his life and the libido thing plays into how I want to end the story.

>>20983365
Either KDE's text editor Kate, or LibreOffice Writer. Both have dark mode.

>>20983670
Nihil novi sub sole. Look it up.

Just got extremely depressed at work, now I'm in exactly the right mood to write this chapter without any preparation! I am so lucky.

I decided I want to go the commercial route, and I want to do it with romance.
I'm going through picrel and it sounds like solid advice.
Are women the main target demographic of romance? Because I rather write for guys, or something that can be appealing to both genders.

>>20984267
You have to give it to someone to read through.

>>20984022
right on! appreciate this

>>20984050
not at all brother, this is hugely appreciated, really

>>20978728
Rate my story beginning:
>Imagine some old Doktor Reich slicing your balls off, laughing, he sez, “Hohoho, vou vont be needing zees anymore.” Chucking them over his shoulder, slapping his old Lederhosen straps, yodelling a little song of his people. “In zee landz ov zee Deutsche, ve vont mind cutting eine crotch!” Yeah, yeah, you’ve heard it before, something you heard back when you were a marine fighting for the Man against another Man. You could tell this guy was reformed now, although he might been a, uh, Nazi Doktor during Aktion T4, killing off all manner of spastics and autists. Maybe, just maybe, ya feel, he even had a variant of autism named after him, and the subjects of which were diagnosed with it were… well, you get the idea. Either become part of his sexual reassignment experiments, or off to Tartarus.

>>20984293
It's just incredibly dull. A whole chapter for a lifeless, predictable conversation.

You have to start with something else or no one will stick around for chapter two.

>>20984443
The lives of NEETs tend to be dull and lifeless though. This was actually one of the more eventful chapters I had written because it takes place outside his house.

>>20983904
I had similar thoughts and it reminded me of this article on 'meditative' fiction.

https://meanjin.com.au/essays/in-praise-of-the-long-sentence/

>>20984470
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHVqxD8PNq8

Anime-kino is back on the menu, boys.

Anyone feels like sitting through romantic, self-insertish, wish-fulfillment fanfiction? No previous knowledge of the IP is necessary.

I have no great ambitions other than making this a by-the-books, readable and entertaining love story that grabs the reader's attention until the very end.

It's 4k words spread through 3 chapters, each less than 1,500 words in length. These 3 chapters are basically act 1 of 5 in a "boy meets girl" story (1-set up, 2-fall in love, 3-lose girl, 4-fight/for love/get girl back, 5-happily ever after)

>1: meet-cute
https://pastebin.com/mNW3JqSz
>2:Cock-block
https://pastebin.com/Rq45krUc
>3:Setup for further interactions
https://pastebin.com/d87xg7TH

What's bugging me the most is that I sold this story (and set up chapter 1) as a masturbatory self-insert tale, but I'm actually trying to develop an MC and a plot instead of just doing the anime thing (girl falls in love with him because yes even though he is barely a character and the "story" is just that) because I realized I fucking hate that shit, but I love romance.

TL;DR
At what point did you drop it and why?

>>20984267
>As it stands the book begins in medias res, during a very snappy, fast paced scene where there's little dialogue and a lot of environmental and action-based storytelling. This would then continue on until a wind-down point where the reader has a better chance to 'meet' the characters and figure out why they acted the way they did during the tense scene and yadda yadda yadda.

This can work in a movie, but not in a book. The reader doesn't know or care about any of the characters, so there's no tension. It's just a bunch of hard to remember names and meaningless explosions.

Start with one character doing something. Let the reader get to know him. Then introduce other characters one at a time.

There's a reason that 'getting the old band back together' is a trope.

I just finished another story arc C:

>>20984676
How long are the arcs? How important is this one?
By comparison, I finished brewing another cup of coffee (#3).

>>20984578
>fanfiction
Make it original and I'll take an in depth look at it

>>20984683
>How long are the arcs?
It varies, I tend to set aside a whole vol of at least 50k minimum for each arc of note.

>How important is this one?
It is not a particularly plot-affecting one, but the story is character-focused right now, so I guess it depends on how you want to view it. I am taking advantage of a background time skip for the MC as he does some other shit so I can focus on the girls he's met up until now. Get their personal stories going/concluding/evolving/whatever while the situation encourages such behaviour from them. C:

I'm trying to go for a HP Lovecraft sort of thing with a Dale Gribble inspired main character.

>>20984584
That's a fair point. I got the idea for starting with a brisker scene from Joe Abercrombie's "The Blade Itself" since that starts with (one of) the main characters narrowly escaping death and it gripped me quite a bit when I was reading it. Wanted to start with something that would immediately hook the reader in, and then slow down for them to meet the (surviving) characters.

>>20984970
I appreciate you not wasting my time.

>>20984544
So what should I do, in your opinion? Drop the idea entirely or shoehorn some drama in to hold the reader's attention?

>>20984970
it has me interested

>>20984815
If I replace the names of all characters, will you read it?

>>20984970
I thought I'd never see you again, good to have you back. An overall improvement over the first draft.

>>20984970
>arrayed like a Kandinsky painting
this took me out of it. feels incongruous for a fumigator, who up until this point, seems to have a pretty no-bullshit voice / attitude, to compare some nasty eggs to a Kandinsky painting. Unless being an art history nerd is part of his character I would think of a better way to describe the colors. i liked the whole thing besides this-- but it's kinda a copout in my opinion to reference a painting instead of figuring out a more unique/original way to describe the array of colors

I have just realised the novel that I am writing is a gothic novel.

I have just realised why I like certain fiction over others. I am a fan of Gothic literature.

>>20984970
WHAT'S IN THE BOX

>>20985197
Hmmmmm sure. As long as It's original. Not sure if you looked around but fanfiction isn't allowed here

>>20985232
>fanfiction isn't allowed here
Sounds to me like you're full of shit cuh

>>20985240
Better get to work changing those names

>>20983879
>what would you suggest doing instead?
If it were me I'd rewrite that first scene with a strong focus on brevity, natural dialogue, physical sensation, and an immediately compelling setup (less sitting down to tell life story right away, reveal character through action, even mundane action like tending to a boat or lecturing a servant)

>>20983889
Always single space. Double is a weird holdover from typewriter era.

>>20985240
Not him but my fanfic got 10x the response here than my original work. I will post again someday and you can't stop me. Mine is more of a tie in but still it's so effective at drawing actual readers so I'll either make it free and try to build following with it or maybe Twilight it assuming the IP holder won't work with me.

>>20984578
https://pastebin.com/9KHG6QtZ

>>20981377
Thanks, I was actually going for "a slice of life" so you have confirmed the tone for me.

A movie studio sent me a submission form to send them one screenplay. Do I need to register the screenplay before sending it

>>20985435
Why did they send you a submission form? Do you write screenplays?

>>20985442
Yeah I have a neo-noir (unedited) and a horror (edited)

>>20978728
Summoning pastebin anon
>https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/57441/the-elevation-chronicles-grimdanklit-rpgfeels
Add meh.

>>20985379
Pretty good, anon.

>>20981338
>"Hi, how may I help you?" [...] "Thank you, Laura"
This is the only segment I read, I hardly even skimmed the rest. Immediately I want to ask you, what's the point of this? Did you enjoy having the opportunity to introduce this random Laura clerk? Who the fuck gives a shit?

>In the back, the two stone statues remained behind the counter. Adah stated her business and was promptly led to Gretrude without anybody's time being wasted. She immediately turned to Adah and offered her a seat.

Here's my advice to you: Stop caring about the reader. Stop worrying about leading them through your scenery and scenes by the hand. Just write what you want to write, don't dwell on filling shit out because of an """obligation""" to keep everything sound and connected. Another pro-tip, find more fun things to write. If you're going to introduce Laura, at least tell me she's hot and an old acquaintace of Adah she used to get railed with together behind the academy by their seniors under the guise of extracurricular lessons in wand handling, tell me about her outfit and how curious it is that she wears a piece of attire you wouldn't expect to see around these parts, tell me about how obvious Gertrude's disdain for her is and Laura's in turn for Gertrude, that old hag.

I've failed this captcha 4 times now and with each time my vitriol levels are rising.

What ever happened to the Short Story Anthology?

anyone else thinking of doing a nano prewrite? maybe 25000 words in october to warm up

The chatter that formed around whatever meager content poured in. The busy hallways, neon bright amateur decoration, collages.
I had been there. Not from the start, never an early adopter but I listened in. The lifecycle of most invasive species could be this.
Introduction to the ecosystem, one so alien for both, each other -- and it was reductive, to say the least, but it had been livelier. There are no natural predators.

Colombia. In the 1980s, infamous kingpin Pablo Escobar had a penchant for showmanship, a man of extremes. Maximalist! He imported 4 hippopotamuses from Africa, these stayed with him on Medellin but not long after his death left to their own.

I remember this one, he came to me with an offer in December almost 2 years ago. There's another thing, a reputation, unrestrained method acting skipped the page in which it had stopped being funny and kept at it. A stolen one to boot, a year ago.
Which had been made funnier, before that, one insisted on stolen material and cliques.

With no way to keep the roaming "Cocaine Hippos" in check these grew to 7, 10, then 40. The hippopotamus is a creature to behold, did you know lions struggle in vain if they go in for the hide?
The local environment is open season, to be fair they have never seen something like this, not this close. The animals suffered too.

Only one remains, the sad nostalgic of our little club. Most packed up, and made their choice, do they still care about the art? I'm not one to ask.

Hi, I'm new to /wg/. I blew in from /tg/ after DMing a game taking place in my own setting. I was not satisfied with it at all, and I feel like I have a grasp on fundamentals but not enough.(I will be going through the OP tomorrow when I wake up.) I feel like Fantasy is very difficult genre to work with because everything has been done. I get pulled into horror, science fantasy and paranormal so easily and then lose sight of the medieval groundwork. (Which I am considering cutting out and doing something modern.)

Regardless, one of the many points I seem to return at is "what is the theme" or "what is the moral", and I always struggle to find something substantial. So my reason for this blogpost is to ask, how do I find a "theme"? I need a starting point, otherwise I am afraid my work will lose focus again. Thanks ahead of time.

>>20985828
DMing and writing are totally different.

>>20985583
No way! Adah is a good girl that only wants to fuck her brother!

>enjoy writing scripts
>pretty good at dialogue
>everytime I try and write anything with prose it's just derivative of the last writer I read and enjoyed
How do I stop doing this? I just naturally form sentences in the manner they're formed in whatever I've just read. Sometimes I go back to a story I wrote over a longer period of time and I can literally see where my writing goes from a poor man's Gabriel Garcia Marquez to a poor man's Cormac McCarthy. How do I push against this?

>>20985924
Stop reading retard. The fuck are you even doing on this board?

So, stupid question but is it always bad to have several "and"s in a single sentence?
It's a thing I catch when I edit my rough drafts and is also something I use alot when I speak so might be why it's become a ongoing problem for me.

Just wondering since I might miss a few when writing/editing. Like is it a big deal. Is there a good way to fix this bad habit of using "and" so much?

>>20985924
Use something as a "pallet cleanser".
A small work close to your own natural style or what you wish to be your own style that you can read to put you back stylistically in the right headspace.

Eventually I think such a thing goes away with practice as you develop your own voice, so I wouldn't be too hard on myself for it if I was you. Just keep writing and with time and experience you will find your own groove that is distinctly yours. Even if it has some influences from here and there.

>>20986031
thanks anon, I'll try that out

>>20978728
miniMAG issue10

weekly magazine

new issue tomorrow

as always looking for art/poetry/stories/reviews/whatever

full issues @ minimag.space

send pieces to: minimagsubmissions@gmail.com


>>20979495

examples are an excuse to tell a story; the story binds the mind to a conclusion

would cross publish a short article like "On Philanthropy..." hit me up through the email

>>20979526
keep adding orange

>>20980743
words like "petrichor" followed by "arboreal", closely followed by "traipised" are sexy, but they rarely make me cum. Know what I mean?

I read the prompt after the story. You did good.

No one?
No feedback?

>>20986073
minimagsubmissions@gmail.com
minimag.space

>>20981338
you've clearly built a very detailed world

let the reader slowly discover it. no need to ram it down their throat

>>20985490
>>20979650

>>20985583
But everytime I make it snappy and quick, I get complaints about it being too fast and nothing to draw the reader into the setting, at least what fantasy writers have told me. They want to know lore and settings.

>>20986074
on what

>>20986022
>>20986022
Read it out loud. Does it sound weird or not?
Nothing wrong with a few conjunctions, but you don't want it to get repetitive.

>>20986127
>what fantasy writers have told me
Found your problem. Never listen to fantasy writers.

>>20986153
I get not wanting to be repetitive.
The problem of reading out loud is using "and" alot is something I do when I speak, and only really notice when I see it on page.

Maybe I am actually annoying when I talk and I have to fix my speech instead, lol.

>>20986160
Ouch.
Why you got to be so harsh on fantasy writers.

>>20986127

Like for example GoT has pages and pages of people eating food. Completely pointless and adds nothing but characters enjoy eating food. But there's a lot of lore and world building

>>20986147
some shit, its cringe if no one read it nvm

>>20986161
dialogue should not imitate actual conversation (or how you might speak)

>>20986181
i just woke up

>>20986202
>dialogue should not imitate actual conversation (or how you might speak)
This is not a useful comment in context.

>>20986264
maybe, i wasn't following the thread. but i doubt it's harmful advice (worth pointing out) in any case.

>>20986202
Now I wish I could delete it, youll know which one is me

Oi cunts, where is that anon who is writing about the young girl who is somehow special and cannot lie? I need the link to finish that fucking sample because I was phonefagging. I recall being somewhat engaged and I liked the website and map.
>t. symphonic blackened melodeath lyricist

>>20979526
whats for breakfast thought
dont know why but this made me kek

>>20979526

Bro. The Fuck?
Wheres the Drama?
Wheres the conflict?
Wheres the hook?

You literally wrote a story about two people talking about a cup and the weather.

If this is practice, fine. But story telling is about people in dramatic situations. Whats the point of this scene?

Here's a prompt.

Write a scene where Joel wants something and Leean wants something else.

For example

Joel thinks Leean is cheating on him, so he keeps asking acusatory questions.

Leean is secretly pregnant with Joels baby but Joel has made it clear that if they ever have kids he will leave.

Joel asks dickish quesitons, Leean thinks Joel is suspicious of the pregnancy. Joel spazzes out, throw his stupid fucking cup yelling accusing her of hiding secrets.

The scene ends with Joel convinced Leean is cheating, and Leean is now frought with guilt and pain that her love is going to leave her and the baby.

When you write a scene ask "What is the point of conflict between the two characters?"

Your scene about the weather had none of that

putting cuckoldry on your work will never make it deep or mature

>>20980553

I think what your communicating has strong world building potential. However you need to simply your sentence structure. It tends to run on and get confusing.

For example try this instead.

"It came to pass that only one nation remained. A predator nation conquered by prey-forged sword. All the conquered were subjugated either by sword or by coin. Rebellions that sprang up were quelled without remorse. Many predators would not live to see the dawn of the newest century"

>>20981671

I know that feel bro.

>>20981671
>open twitter
aaaaand cut

I feel like my plot isn't as tight as can be. Any advice?
https://pastebin.com/21RTzs7J

>>20986583
>An action/mystery book aimed at children ages 9-15, inspired by 90s cartoons.
..why?

>>20986691
Why not? Everyone likes 90s cartoons.

>>20986426
what about rape?

>>20986426
I'm writing a story where Mike and Jim want to have a kid together, but Jim is worried that adopting or surrogacy will make him apathetic to the kid because it won't have a part of him in it, but Jim has a twin sister, so Jim floats the idea of Mike having sex with her so the baby technically contains some of both of their dna.

Is Jim cucking himself with his own sister?

>>20986727
who do you think was writing 90s cartoons (and were inspired by)? and even if they were done well, no kid was going out of their way for some hard boiled detective story.. you just watched what came on.
NOT IN CURRENTYEAR

Anyone willing to read through my mess? The issue is, English is not my native language and I am writing in my language. I have roughly translated the text with some help of google translate. There's no way for me to be able to replicate mood, descriptions etc., but I have done my best.
The question is more about the general idea and the feel to the story

>>20986762
i'm hooked

>>20986938
what language are you writing in anon?

>>20986951
Polish. Unfortunately, rules of grammar and sentence building are vastly different. 1 to 1 translation would basically butcher the entire thing

>>20986941
So Jenna(Jim's twin sister) agrees to be Mike and Jim's surrogate and agrees to have sex with Mike to get pregnant, but during the session Mike can't seem to get off, so he asks Jim to fuck him while he fucks Jenna.

Is this incest?

>>20985828
>So my reason for this blogpost is to ask, how do I find a "theme"? I need a starting point, otherwise I am afraid my work will lose focus again.
Theme is a natural part of what your story tells. It's a little easier to write the story first and see what theme develops, then over successive rewrites, attempt to draw the theme out to where it has reached a full potential that isn't smashing someone over the head with the ideas.

>>20986967
wtf am I reading

>>20986995
A love story.

>>20986961
called it lmao
dawaj, o ile nie ma 50 stron

>>20987009
https://pastebin.com/K7xKUrfr
lol
Dzięki! 1500 znaków

Last night, I gave a book talk speech at my library. I reccomend it to any other author here. It's not a big crowd but it's still practice at public speaking and in-person marketing.

Apparently, I'm rather good at it. Public speaking was never a skill I thought I would have, but in the context of people there to hear what I had to say and I'm talking about something I know, I'm capable. Doing podcasts like the Unreal Press was good prep.

>>20987031
Congrats on the book talk, anon. They just let anyone in on the podcast? Or did you have to audition or what? I was going to join since I've been writing for a long time but I'm not really well read.

>>20987022
Jedyny poważniejszy problem to imo to, że Michał mówi "dlatego posłali mnie" tak jakby wiedział, że ma Ricketa zabrać z powrotem, a jak przybywa to "swoją drogą, ten to kto?", co mogłoby teoretycznie znaczyć tylko, że chce się upewnić, ale potem "aha. kto?" raczej podkreśla, że w ogóle nie wie. Jeśli został przysłany po to, żeby przy okazji zbiegłego mordercę zdjąć Ignacemu z karku, to raczej albo kojarzyłby imię, albo należy nieco dokładniej opisać sytuację.
Oprócz tego, Michała "No, o mało mnie nie zabił. - mruknął pod nosem" trochę mi nie leży. Mam wrażenie, że mruczy się w mniej napiętej sytuacji, a tu można do siebie np powiedzieć drżącym głosem, albo po prostu zadrżeć, czy coś
Rytm dobro, słownictwa nie powtarzasz, opisy dobro, dialogi dobro prócz tych małych detali, ogółem czytałbym anon

>>20987057
They'll interview anyone interesting/published. If you want on, first step is joining the discord.

Chapter 1 – The Boy Wakes Up
1025hr:
It was a seemingly normal day like any other. He woke up feeling a bit depressed from the night before. He felt like he had been living as a failure. However, that thought is not from God but instead from the evil one. He prayed to God after waking up, got up, listened to some Christian music while cooking breakfast. He ate breakfast, watched the news, and browsed /pol/ for ten minutes. He felt he lacked motivation. It was hard to find the drive to do what God wanted him to do. He wanted to get some study done, and this dissertation was stressing him out. He decided to play some piano after breakfast. Practising piano is considered work. He was now in the work phase of his day. Writing is also work. So, writing this story is work. Rest would be doing something enjoyable with no work involved for example – watching an entertaining movie. Reading was considered to be rest if it was an entertaining story such as fantasy etc.
Even though the man felt sad and lowly in spirit, he felt reassured that everything was going to be okay. This was the first day that he was going to show God how dedicated he is to serving Him with all his heart, soul, strength and mind.

>>20987059
Dzięki wielkie! Jeszcze masa pracy przede mną, ale są jakieś postępy.

>>20987061
Well, a secondary congrats if you got trad published. What was your book talk about? Did the library ask you to host it or did you reach out to plan the event?

>>20985698
Ffa anon is kill.

>>20987090
>The Boy Wakes Up
Dropped.

>>20987106
I'm self-pubbed.

I showed up to my library to ask if they'd stock my book, and the librarian (after saying yes to that) asked if I wanted to do a book talk as well, which I said yes to.

The talk was about half an hour of me talking about my background, the book, my inspirations and why I think the subjects are important/interesting, then 20 minutes of Q&A answering questions about my writing process.

Turns out I need to prep two speeches, one for if the crowd is readers, and one for if the crowd is writers.

>>20987216
How many people attended? I remember teaching Sunday school to like just 4 or 5 kids, even small crowds mean a lot I think.

>>20987230
3 family members, 1 friend, the librarian, and 3 interested writers. Sold two signed copies of my book too, and since two of the unknowns were in a relationship, I figure that was a 100% success rate on convincing people I have an interesting story to tell.

>>20987192
No good?

>>20987254
No good. Not only do you have theost cliche and worst opening line ever, the rest of the piece consists of he did x.

>>20987254
it looks like you need to read more. what is the last book you've read?

>>20978728
Under arches wen fowl tell mineral waters.

>>20987301
Yeah, guess it’s just my journal, not really a story.

>>20987321
To be fair, I read quite a bit. Currently reading multiple books, including Infinite Jest which is probably the most difficult book I’ve read so far. I could always read more though, I agree. I appreciate your feedback.

>>20987389
you this fella? >>20984165

>>20987407
No, but I must say that sounds a lot like me, and I was very confused for a moment.

>>20987419
really does, dunnit?

>>20987436
Well it’s not me. Likeminded individual perhaps, but not me.

>>20987452
I'm not implying it is, merely agreeing with you

How do I know if my fantasy story is any good?

>>20987471
post first page and i will tell you

>>20987471
Ground it as much as possible.
If you give any aspect of it more than 30s of thought and you can see that there's no logic behind the rules you have created, you have to scrap the idea and start again.

>>20987471
>>20987477

>>20987477
>>20987500
But I'm afraid people are going to laugh at me

>>20987526
it's now or at the publisher's office anon, make the choice

>>20987526
pop that cherry and post it

>>20987527
>>20987534
Please don't laugh

“Oh no… I completely forgot about the tournament! Why do I keep doing this every single time this comes up? I’ll never be able to get out of my ranking like this. The others probably already summoned their champion months ago and are already all super strong!” a small little girl said.
The floor was covered with pentagrams, potions of various colors, stones of different size and material, sand of different grains, iron from different regions, blood from creatures near and far, and even the bones of monsters long hidden from the world of men. The items piled together in a frantic, seemingly randomized manner as she clapped her hands and began an incantation.
“Svew van raw! Mrog lass true!”
The pentagram glowed a bright blue as the different items scattered across the room rumbled and shook. Although the items were inanimate they moved and inched closer together. Rocks, sand, and metal fused together into a giant boulder as the blood poured over the newly merged creation.
“There we go, all set!” the mage puffed as she wiped her sweat, “now for the final touch.”
A bubble of force surrounded the blood drenched rock and with a flick of her wrist and a tap of her staff, the sculpture exploded! The flash of light, emitted from the bubble, as the shrapnel bounced harmlessly inside the bubble. The little girl waved her hand again and the contents inside fell to the floor. The pentagram disappeared as the little girl walked toward the pile of debris.
Her palms came together with a sharp noise that echoed throughout the room. The room brightened as the curtains lifted higher. Mountains of ice and wind poked through the underlying clouds that dressed the peaks like collars on a regent’s dress. The snow glowed from the reflection of the sunlight blazing millions of miles above. A poke from the edge of her staff awakened the pile of flesh born from the magical spell cast by the little girl.
“Welcome champion!” the little girl said.

>>20987605
“Ugh,” groaned the naked flesh on the floor.
“I am your Goddess, Levia! You are summoned to be my champion in the Tournament of Champions!”
The naked flesh rose onto its feet, still dazed from the summoning process. Its eyes adjusted to the brightness of the room, still blinded from the glare of snow and sunlight.
“Where am I?” the naked flesh asked.
“You are in the presence of your Goddess, Levia! We’re high above the Morathian Mountains, which is my home!” Levia explained as she observed her champion with a heavy sigh, “This is a disaster…”
The naked flesh looked around the room, now cognizant of its surroundings. He walked toward the edge of the room, looking above the Morathian Mountain ranges. The clouds puffed as the mountain peaks cut through the moving nimbuses covering the view below. It observed as much as it could, comprehending the situation that it was in. There was nothing but the blue skyline, ice packed mountains, and white clouds, spreading across the landscape.
“Who are you again? And what am I doing here?” asked the naked flesh again. “What do you intend to do to me?”
“I told you already! I am your Goddess Levia, we’re above the Morathian Mountains, and you are to participate in the Tournament of Champions!”
“No.” said the naked flesh.
“Well… uhh, then, you will die a fiery death of destruction, live in eternal damnation, and regret that you will forever be nothing but a loser!”
“You have no idea what happens to me do you? More like all those things will happen to you if I say “no”,” the naked flesh show back, “and aren’t you a bit young and tiny to be a goddess?”
“What? No! If you refuse I’ll just be returning to sleep here in Moria, and wait until the next tournament. I get to lie in my big comfy bed and not have a single worry in the world! Just so that you know, I am one of the Greatest Goddesses in the world! Despite my youthful good looks and young age, I am well respected and have dozens of worshippers all over the world!”
“Dozens?”
“Yes dozens!”

>>20987605
>>20987615
That's anime. Loli-magical girl anime. Not really my jam.
Regardless, describe the room a bit more, just listing things lying around is lazy.
>Naked flesh
was repeated 8 times in few sentences.
>little girl
4 times in 4 lines.

It's really similar to jap light novels, maybe try reading a few to see how others handle similar types of stories?

>>20987666
Nta but when is repetition okay? I tend to really enjoy it when its some melodic clause that reappears, especially when it's inverted from the beginning to the end of a later sence. And when it's repeated because it's supposedly a big deal or to erode the reader's confidence in the unreliable narrator.

>>20987666
the loli is the villain. The naked flesh is the hero.the entire plot is for the naked flesh to win a tournament to make the loli do her goddess duties. The loli wants to sleep and be lazy but her champion prevents her from doing so.

>>20987722
Repetition is okay when it's clearly intended. If you want to bring attention to something, etc.
But here it was just glaring.
Given that only two people are having a conversation, you don't have to constantly mention who's talking.
Repetition gets boring really fast, so don't overuse it.

>A poke from the edge of her staff awakened the pile of flesh born from the magical spell cast by the little girl.
“Welcome champion!” the little girl said.

We already have "her staff", then we get the "..by the little girl", and again "the little girl said". That's a mistake, not a stylistic choice.

>>20987732
That's complete opposite of what the first sentence says.

>>20987605
>>20987615
I agree with the other anon, you repeat "naked flesh" and "little girl" way too much.
Why not name your characters, or use he and she?
>>20987722
Well in this case it doesn't feel like a big deal or melodic. These are literally the first lines I get to your story and they feel off.

>>20987752
She still has to join due to rules. Either way it's no good is it?

New Bread: >>20987764
New Bread: >>20987764
New Bread: >>20987764

>>20987761
Better than mine

>>20987761
Well, it's a start. Keep on going anon. Read it aloud (best tomorrow) a few times and write the same scene again, but differently

>>20987788
My meds should kick in in about an hour, post it in a new thread and I can read it for you

>>20987805
adhd? i'm waiting for mine to kick in before i start working on my own project too.

>>20987850
Yep. Have to talk to psych about doses, second one is not giving me the same focus.
Funny enough, my descriptions got better with meds, but dialogues are not my handicap

I want to surpass Leo Michaels, a feat* we should all strive for.

* an act or accomplishment of great courage, skill, or imagination; an achievement.
"Great"

A leaf touched down on the water,
and ripples fell out around it -
crossing over one another as the tree
dispensed its annual notice.

Passing under the bellies of ducks
and geese unmoved and uncaring,
they disappear into the crowd of reeds
stood ignorantly at the bank.

Lit up by the necessary reflections from windows
crowded around, the water returns to stillness.

On the road beyond, autumn’s air settles
around still commuters, soon to leave that spot,
engines idling. What jobs do they go to?
What ripples do they send away? How heavy are their stones?

I wonder where my ripples reach.
Tonight, if I was to die and leave,
the world would turn no slower,
and the sun would shine no darker.

I’ll pass under the bellies of ducks
an unknown voice, a disregarded ripple.

>>20988689
I like your use of duck bellies and I think the use of "inverted wordplay" (idk what to call it but the part with the sun shining darkly) is great
I only feel like saying unmoved and uncaring kills the pace a bit because 'un' twice
but I really like your poem anon