/lit/ - Literature

WE'RE ALL GONNA MAKE IT!!

Finally, a new thread.

"Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
The slogan 'Press On!' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race."
-Calvin Coolidge

Reposting for this thread. I did it lads. It isn't much of an accomplishment, but I'm proud of my dogshit. Gonna make myself a diet coke and tequila and shitpost all night.

LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH

>>20659140
Congratulations. You’ve joined the ranks of F Gardner and the rest of the /lit/ canon.

>>20659153
Inshallah one day I will surpass them and my mental problems will bless households across this nation

>>20659140
Enjoy yourself. I'm at least 6 months away from that. I would have finished my first book by now but I finished a 1st draft for a second the first half of the year because the iron was still hot.

8th for anime.

Death is a Girl
First chapter
Give critique please.
Thank you
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g9CPDvrMFjW0a6EiF5BtYfOcBbsT3jXeAHMRR4sy6DA/edit?usp=sharing

>>20659140
One day I hope to have enough balls to finally just self-publish. But I am terrorizing myself by trying for tradpub

Professional editor and published dude still willing to work for cheap except for that one idiot who thinks that my entire career is a scam (???)

>>20659200
If F Gardner could do it and become meme famous then any of us can.

How do I write about rape without it sounding incredibly cringy?

>>20659251
Just make the rapist a hot gigachad with a badboy personality, it won’t matter if it’s cringe that way ‘cause woman love that shit.

>>20659251
depends on what goes into it, and what the intended result is.

>>20659262
I want the rapist to be a killer who devours and rapes her victims alive.
>>20659263
I want the reader to think "what the fuck am I reading."

>>20659251
Just write around it. Write about the relative who knows it's happening and is turning a blind eye, or the doctor who is examining the victim, or the accomplice who is making sure nobody intrudes.

>>20659278
Is the intent to scare the reader or turn them on?

I don't have kids and am a virgin but I want to write about a wholesome family. What do? Do any of you have experience with fatherhood?

>>20659220
what's cheap? how much for 100k words? 200k? 500k?

>>20659293
Watch 80s sitcoms?

>>20659293
Observe families and use your imagination.

>>20659308
What is your manuscript? I can show you some writing samples and my LinkedIn if you're interested. I negotiate a different amount with every client because some manuscripts are complete garbage while others need to be completely rewritten, so having a standard fee based on word count doesn't make sense. Send me a sample and tell me what price you think would be appropriate.

maat042@yahoo.com

>>20659318
>Observe families
Normies get defensive when you stare at their kids

>>20659251
Option 1: make it funny
Option 2: make it hot

>>20659293
Father of 2 under 3, what do you want know specifically? All the old truism are accurate but the day to day experience is hard for childlets to comprehend.

>>20659278
>killer who devours and rapes her victims alive
>her
you'd be much better off making her a vampire because that's just unbelievable otherwise

>>20659348
>childlets

>>20659348
>Father of 2 under 3, what do you want know specifically?
What do you usually do with your kids for fun? How would you treat/spoil them? I know nothing but punishment and all my ideas from my imagination are probably ridiculous cliches.

Do you think anyone would be interested in a low-fantasy noir mystery that’s not intended for young audiences?

>>20659370
Of course anon. Mystery is an element of a story, not just a genre. People will come for the low-fantasy, and I've heard of people delivering fantasies as heist novels, ensembles, relationships, all kinds of things.

>>20659334
Can you give a rough range?
Like poor quality is X
Decent is X
Good is X

I might be interested in your services later this year but not quite yet.

>>20659370
sure
give us some excellent characters we'll care about. give them some character flaws they'll have to overcome

Rate this prose. Suggestions for improvements?

The bedroom breathed in the morning, filling itself with soft, wan shadows. Molly turned and came awake, eyes opening on the sheets below. She'd burrowed too deep in the night and was sweating lightly. She pushed the blankets aside. The pillow inhaled where her head had been. Bad dreams. Always. She massaged her brow. The dreams evaporated, plot blurring into broadstrokes: fire, yelling, madness.

>>20659419
Is it a novel, nonfiction, a play?

Standard rate is $0.015 a word, I think. But the word count is less important than the amount of typographical errors and reformatting required. Just make sure to send a Word document so I can mark it up in red

>>20659451
>The bedroom breathed in the morning
what does that even mean

>>20659470
morning light* my bad

>>20659476
>*doesn't proofread*
>rate this prose bros 8)
uh based?

>>20659451
when you do something like this:
the BEDroom BREathed in the MORning
you're creating a little rhythm that is distracting if it's not intentional and controlled
>She'd burrowed too deep in the night and was sweating lightly
it's distracting when you reference something that happened in the past to describe the state something is in now. Just keep time flowing forward.
>The pillow inhaled
you've repeated this metaphor with a different object and it's distracting

>>20659491
Thanks!

How important is it to get reviews right away when self publishing? Is it pretty necessary to rope family/friends into it or will those handful of reviews even have an impact?
Also, if anyone's got time to burn here's a book I'd like opinions on (also thanks again to the anons who were reading it)
https://files.catbox.moe/0n4a91.pdf
(forgot to mention last time, but the first three chapters being labeled was for querying which is why they don't continue past 3)

>>20659451
>molly turned and came awake
Reads extremely awkwardly to me

>>20659533
Shit, four chapters I mean. My braincell wasn't firing.

What are some cool sounding sportsball team names that could be feasible in a fantasy setting? Things like "the Giants" or "the Vipers". The names I've gotten from generators all seem kind of lacklustre.

>>20659559
Why do they have to specifically fantasy? Does your fantasy world not have normal animals?

>>20659334
I'll probably contact you later when I'm done with my Chinaman story. Please be aware I have very little money and probably can't afford you

>>20659341
What are the charges officer?
>>20659370
Would anyone be interested in a shark story. The answer is yes and no.
>>20659559
The Besaid Aurochs.

>>20659197
Story isn't for me.

>>20659574
>very little money

I've worked for energy drinks before, so I wouldn't worry. Anyway good luck and I'd love to help

>>20659140
Did we ever read a single excerpt of this? I can't remember anything about lesbians eating pizza

>>20659585
kek

>>20659595
Yeah I posted "Kill the dog" and Lesbians eating pizza was in Flash Fiction. I can post Lesbians gimme a sec

>>20659567
>Why do they have to specifically fantasy?
They don't. Just ones that might work in that setting.
>Does your fantasy world not have normal animals?
It does, but a lot of them would come off as TOO normal in a world with monsters and magic I think.
>>20659585
>The Besaid Aurochs.
The Aurochs would unironically be a good choice if it wasn't entirely obvious I would be ripping FF10 off.

How do I give a story the touch up it needs?

I want to edit it and make it more up to par but I don't know how to start just due to how my process in how I write. a lot has changed

Just wondering how i edit the old first draft

in my opinion the plot is fine but the issue is the prose and dialogue

Story in question:
https://pastebin.com/k1ir8P2j

>>20659595
>>20659140
Here, my opening story - Two Lesbians Eating Pizza. Its literally a page and a half lol

>>20659637
I think this was in "Gifts Good and Evil" for /ff/ but I don't remember which really

>>20659627
i either read it out loud or get text to speech software
while you're going over it, try to think of ways you can write the story differently. if you do make the change, does it make the story better?

>>20659620
Just use monster names then.

L

>>20659637
>>20659643
I'm honestly pretty disappointed

>In the dark, ‘neath the stone, where the dead rot to bone, that was where spirit made lair.
>By lantern’s light the boy stepped forth to what had once been a home. He passed through portals without doors and trode across carpets lost to gore. Murals yet colored the vaulted walls with haunted vistas and garden sprawls. No passage of time could change the colored tiles, but no artist’s hand had caked on blood as paint. With shaking fingers, some ancient had scrawled, “The essence of life is water.”
>“The water of life is blood.”

r8?

I'm feeling like my stories don't have enough tits and ass in them. Or maybe I've just been writing dark fantasy for too long and need a change of pace.

>>20659718
hey that's okay, my feedback here is always one sided. People usually love it or hate it

>>20659197
Your story is absolute shit. Your prose is that of a 12 year old child

>Luckily her mom was about as observant of her as the residents of their living room’s fish tank.

BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. just give up. It's not worth the lifetime of embarrassment and disappointment

>>20659731
There very little need for contractions when describing something from the narrator. If it's a character, fine, but the narrator I think it's very dumb

Bros.. I've never written before.. how bad is it?

>>20659197
There's a lot of telling and no character set up. You skip straight into the stories important bits. I do not know these characters, nor do I care. I understand you want to set up a conflict right away but there is no character there. all you do is tell, tell and then tell some more.

This story has been done a lot and I don't see any fresh takes on the matter.

Feels like a first draft, edit and come back.

>>20659643
>>20659637
I like it. It's cleanly written with enough abstraction to keep me interested.
May just be a personal thing, but I did like the spider imagery. Reminds me of Enemy.

>>20659756
Don't have the narrator editorialize like with "piss his pants". Also only use "said" for dialogue. If you are repeating "said" too much, you can tag the dialogue with an action instead.

7.5/10

How do I write good romance if I have never experienced love? Not trying to sound cringe or onions. All advice is welcome.

>>20659760
Thanks for the feedback. I kind of wanted to just get to her being the grim reaper and quickly get through how she ended up there.
I'll think more about my approach, maybe give her a little more character building before getting to it.

>>20659756
Eh, That's all I can really say. You tell a bit to much here and there but there's nothing really *bad* about it persay.

I'd just give it a quick edit and remove the bits where you tell a bit too much.

5/10

>>20659819
Why would you even want to do this? Maybe your infantine interpretation of romance would suffice enough for other clueless autists?

>>20659840
*infantile

>>20659819
Read romance novels

If you get good enough you'll have a bunch of milf fans who will want you again and again. (You might even have the pick of the milfs)

>>20659819
>A writer needs three things, experience, observation, and imagination, any two of which, at times any one of which, can supply the lack of the others

>>20659559
Cool sounding or ridiculous sounding?
Do stupid, redundant names. The Hugely Gigantic Hill Giants (HUGS, complete with Huggy, the Giant's mascot), The Very Venomous Vipers (Triple V)

>>20659845
(_)*(_)

>>20659559
THE BONER HORNETS

>>20659620
>would be ripping FF10 off.
Take inspiration elsewhere, band names, book names.

>>20659809
>>20659718
lol its always like this, reminds me of my first story I posted on here. One person told me to never write again, another to remember /lit/ when I'm famous, another that I would be a great writer if I had an ounce of sincerity. Always one way or the other with the reviews on here, never indifference

>>20659760
Oh yeah, and you are right it is a first draft.

>>20659943
fuck wait inb4 "I'm indifferent"

>>20659756
It's pretty good for a first try.

>>20659944
A word of wisdom never share your first drafts unless its with close friends. and you should *never* post a first draft on 4chan. Anons can be quite roofless.

edit it a good 5 - 10+ times and see how you fair.

>AI-generated book covers
Who does this?

>>20659756
>they were dark, just like the rest of him
How black is this man?

>>20659977
Poor people

>cringe tier
grey vs grey
>normie tier
grey vs black
>godking tier
white vs black
>truly ascended tier
white vs white

>>20659977
>AI-generated books
Who does this?

>>20659977
me

>>20659988
Why? Wouldn't you want good art for something you spent so much time on?

>>20660013
no money, artist friends, or time, and also i don't care. Lots of books I love have super simple cover art

>>20660013
The only thing AI does is remove the requirement of mechanical rendering skills. An artist still selects and maintains authorial intent. It's just the difference between photography and painting. A bad artist still takes bad photographs.

>>20659353
Just volunteer to watch some young nephews/cousins for 2 hours and you'll learn a lot. They do all the things you did or wanted to do as a kit - play with blocks, wrestle dad, dolls for girls and construction truck toys for boys.

>>20659987
Some anons were posting their experiences with AI-generated text earlier.
It seemed to take every prompt and turn it gay.
Probably a reflection of the training material, but still, totally useless for most of us.

>>20660013
Too expensive.
Ever try to price a book cover?
AI-generated art for the win!

Haven't written anything in close to a decade

>>20660160
"The great hero Dom Toretto sits at a traffic light in his 1970 Dodge Charger in the dead of night." Is a fantastic sentence all on its own. Move the brooding part to the next sentence, it takes away from the image. Other than that I like it!

>>20660138
Can confirmed. Turned my story gay as all hell.

>>20660224
>>20660138
The AI must have started with the Greeks

>>20660138
Well you're not really supposed to just hit "send" and accept what it gives you without question. Give it decent prose to work off of and direction to go in, but you still have to steer by editing any details that aren't accurate to the story.

It's a great tool like photoshop is for artists, you just have to know how to use it.

>>20659559

>>20660234
kek

>>20659973
It's alright, it helps me with future drafts.
I'm not exactly here for an ego boost and if I was I'm in the wrong place lol.

>>20659973
this is true, I currently have no roof

>>20660306
does this mean the natural order of progress is to be super gay, and civilization corrects such pathways? and we're just experiencing a highly intelligent and primal being?

>>20660234

>>20660472
If you're using NAI, it reads what you have provided it in context(up to about 2000 words) and uses math to determine what the next word(s) is most likely to be written in a coherent manner.

For example, if you write a paragraph about Roy being at his grandma's house and write "Roy took a bite of the apple" and hit send, it'll search it's entire database to the x most likely words to come after "apple" and then print them, so it could end up being "pie".

Need help deciding what to write tonight, anons
>post-apocalypse thing that I'm writing as prose, would rather it be a comic but I can't draw worth shit and not sure where to look for artists. Majority of the world pop dies overnight and most guns are dust, foreigner visiting USA with next to no English skills must survive amongst the new factions, joins a man in a motorcycle helmet wielding bats as he hunts human traffickers to find the friends she came overseas with

>collection of short stories with no relation to each other. Starts fairly normal but starting around the second or third story there's an ominous figure that comes out of nowhere, overtakes the story, and characters in future stories must figure out how to survive the killer as he slowly comes to their reality

>fanfiction thing I've been touching for months. Cozy mystery that follows the main character 10 years later

>>20659985
Based.

>>20660590
Thanks for the image. I hadn't seen that one in years and it as like reading it for the first time again

The short story collection sounds the most fun to write to me, and seems like the most interesting premise of the bunch

>>20660160
Quite decent, actually.
>the rear of the car loosely begins to sway laterally, the tires at war with Dom's 900 horses.
I would write it as
>the rear of the car begins to sway laterally as the tires begin a war with Dom's 900 horses.
Definitely improvements to be made in prose.
I kind of got bored halfway through the movie analogy since I have no idea what the point of this all is. It'd be like a movie starting the first 3 minutes with a guy staring out at a dim concrete complex, then flashbacks of a racecar launching into action. A minute of that is pushing it a little. Three minutes without even knowing what the point of it all is, is dreadfully slow.

Share your thoughts on this bit, please

The passing cars merge into trotting horses mounted by preadolescent shepherds and horse breakers with straw caved in-between the teeth, half-torn flannels, and dusted grimed flip-flops on hardened ashen feet. Their faces are those of an amalgam between a flesh-starved wolf and an apathetic ram that eat into one another right across the children’s brows and the fevered animal blood leaks down the crevice of their mouths in an agony of slurred provincial speech devoid of meaning and sensibility. And yet they speak, their voices break out violently and in lunges, tracing in their volume profile the topology of the canyon of their habituation, with rapid and short roars aimed in equal measure at their interlocutors, as well as at the cattle. Joyously the kids kick the staggering mares over their hide-piercing ribs – a satellite of hunger, and they forestall with bated breath the hour when the hunger consumes the canyon and they would seek warm and misty refuge in the mare’s ribcage waiting to be born into shepherds again.

Day 29 editing
One day left and it will be fin
To post the work and edit book 2
To edit book 2 before before posting book 1
>Fucking crossroads

Anons, wanna rate my short shitty poem and give some remarks to improve the concept/a line or two?

What's a good sounding word for the sound of wooden rings clattering against each other? Just clattering? Rattling? Jingling?

I just had this brilliant idea for a short story about a dude who meets the biggest druglord in the americas, and it turns out to be an AI.
Going to write. Feeling motivated for once.

>>20660891
The sentences don't flow well, too long without good connections. I'm somewhat bored since it's an overlong description of some poor, barbaric ranchers. I personally dislike using "big, outdated words" because it feels like a cheap way to invoke imagery, but that's a personal preference I have.
I assume there's context since I'm pretty bored without knowing what's going on.

>>20661213
How about something like "thick rattling" or "hardened ratting"? Add an adjective. Clattering or rattling would work the best.

>>20660891
Anon you read way too much McCarthy kek

>>20661213
Clunking

bros...

>>20661364
>youtube's horrible policies finally got Lofi Girl
It's over, bros...I guess I'll just have to stick to listening to ambient noise of rain and a crackling fire in an old library

>>20659167
>In 1913, eccentric French composer Erik Satie wrote a fragmentary, diary-like essay where he depicted a strikingly rigid diet consisting solely of white foods: eggs, sugar, coconuts, rice, cream cheese, fuchsia juice and so on.

>>20661364
Writer-bros....We got toooo cocky...

>>20659110
>currently a thread up with claims /lit/ hates Brandon Sanderson
>his lecture series is given as a resource
Can you fuckers make up your mind

Whats the general consensus here on grammarly?

>>20661428
You can dislike someone's writing while still finding their insight valuable. I don't like Stephen King, but I still found his memoir to be worth reading

>>20661446
If you need to lean on Grammarly or similar software, you're just not good enough at the English language to make it as a writer. You should instantly know if something you wrote is grammatically incorrect after enough practice/reading

>>20661446
It's good for finding typos, but don't rely on grammarly for phrasing.

Any faggot telling you you have to be writing perfectly without grammar mistakes or being able to detect them immediately is a retard. Humans make mistakes, and these mistakes accumulate when you're writing a large work

>>20661364
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m0k1HcvaB_Y
Try this.

>>20659110

>>20661364
I listen to the actual albums now. Softy and WYS x Sweet Medicine are pretty cool.
>>20661402
nice

I love reading but I think I want to try writing, simple as a practice. How should I begin? Would journaling be best or should I attempt a basic short story?

>>20659756
It's a good start. This could just be a personal gripe but I would either remove the "uh"s in dialogue or replace them with some sort of action. I feel it reads better. Dialogue doesn't have to be too realistic. Just take a moment to listen to how people talk to each other in real life and you'll realise any of it converted directly to prose as written would read horribly.

>>20661512
Me in the middle

>write a character
>later i realize i basically just stole a character without even knowing or thinking about said character when writing them

>>20661544
Journaling, outlining, or writing exercises. Don't forsake your daily reading and don't get stuck writing the same things. Don't be that eternal outliner or eternal Chapter 1 writer.

>>20661585
Is it good practice to write chapters or stories for my favorite books/authors? Save time from character and setting creation, so I can focus on story and dialogue?

>>20661578
This isn't necessarily a bad thing

I found this tip on improving your prose/writing skills. Do you think it would work?

>>20661686
Was this written by Quentin Tarantino?

>>20661803
It’s a reddit post
I mean that guy is famous so this might work?

>>20661810
I guess it might improve prose, does nothing really for scene structure though.

>>20659110
What is that, beer?

I had an idea for a story where people can use magic by equipping stones that have spirits trapped inside. So they're essentially using the spirits' magic to fight and shit. But then I had this massive deja vu, as if I'd seen/read a story with this exact same premise before, but just can't remember what it was. Does the description ring a bell?

>>20661822
prose >>>>scene structure. That only takes an outline. You can even download a premade one for that if you’re that new

>>20662006
There is almost certainly an anime with this premise.

BIDEO GAMES

shooters

>>20662006
Pokémon?

>>20661596
Writing fan fiction is a very valid way to get some practice.
Focus on staying in-character and digging deep into why those characters work and are appealing to readers.
Post your work on A03 or FFN to get feedback and motivation to keep going.
It's a nice proving ground where you can learn the basics.
It is my experience though, that you will learn more from the simple act of writing consistently than you will from getting a golden review that tells you everything you need to improve on. Those do come along, but there is no replacement for simply showing up every day and putting the work in.
Don't get discouraged if you feel like your writing is dog-shit early on. Think of it as going to the gym every day. Eventually you will see results.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17lyhWQgkKEI5SO9g4D6gtJSXAxjpsyHsZTdB9VZQkrQ/edit?usp=sharing
read it

>>20662043
Just don't judge your writing against other fan fiction - it's all very hit and miss.

>>20662006
Tales of Zestiria

>>20662048
Good you took some advice and made edits, but there's some repetition that needs to be done, also the ritual to passage should be told earlier. Instead of reading about snot, set up the story of ostra going through the ritual.

dON'T 'e' ME

>>20662153
not a bad idea

I love reading and I LOVE writing. Life feels so much better now.

>>20662006
Final Fantasy 7.
But it doesn't matter, the idea has probably been done hundreds more times across fantasy media. At the end of the day your story is still going to be yours however you incorporate the concept.

>>20662006
That's just Materia, anon.

Also Final Fantasy X in a way.

>>20662006
nearly everything has been done; you just have to put your own spin on it
brando sando's mistborn magic system is famous for being original. his metal users can fly and use metal as bullets
magneto can use bits of metal as bullets and he can fly
once in a while you come across something that's original but it's rare

>>20661446
i think it's good for new writers
grammarly tells you why it thinks you've made an error
the thing is, grammar is a matter of style and the style grammarly uses is very basic. it's the grammar a high school student in high school would use to write an essay
it hates passive voice, for example. writers use passive voice here and there.
the more your writing leans towards poetry and art, the more grammarly will error

It has been 1 week since I last wrote something. NGMI confirmed.

>>20662363
write something every day
even if it's just a sentence
it works for me

>>20662048
I've read before so just skimmed towards the end and noticed a lot of filtering - he saw, he felt, he watched - that you could trim. Keep chugging my dude.

>>20662406
NTA but could you point me to a more formal description of "filtering" as an error in prose?

>>20662412
Google "filtering prose". It's not an outright error and can be useful in specific situations, but in general writing it's something we tend to do far more often than is necessary and making sentences less efficient as if we're grounded in a POV we already know the POV senses is how we experience things.

>>20661446
Wants you to use way too many commas. If you let grammarly make every change it requests, you'll get something that has horrible flow.

Options?

>still no query replies
>still not published
Have 2 completed ms I'm trying to query for and neither has gotten so much as a non-form rejection. I'm so fucking pissed. Do I have to make a new email account and pose as a diversity checkbox? I'm really mad about the one because I wrote it specifically to appeal to current publishing trends and I still can't get it in. Who the fuck is actually getting published right now?

>>20662647
Don’t write to get published. That’s a no-no because trends are fleeting. Do it for SOVL.

>>20662647
how many agents did you submit to, anon?

>>20662399
>it works for me
What do you have to show for it?

>>20661364
>jews have attacked Lofi Girl with vile judaic copyright sorcery
We need another holocaust and for real this time.

>>20659140
Looking forward to returning this.

>>20659251
Be Chad.

I'm translating a short non-fiction work (10k words) and I would like to place the translated text beside the original so that the reader can compare the two.
Would it be better to place the translation on the left or on the right?
Pic related was my initial thought because english is read left to right, and it makes the most sense for convenience and comfort. However, I've read works in the opposite format, and the difference wasn't really noticeable.

Has anyone here (UK if possible) ever gotten a book traditionally published?

If so, how was that? What were the hoops you jumped through in your experience? Any tips?

>>20662655
In this round about 25 total. Guess I'll revise the query and shoot off another 10 this week (5 each or so).
>>20662652
It's a slant of what I want to write anyway. If I was going to completely sell out I'd write another bash-whitey BLM rag. It isn't woke, just girl-friendly, since only female appealing books get published anymore.
I'm writing another one that also appeals to women but is still in line with what I want to write as well. I'll give myself 6 months to produce that. And if neither of the women-appealing ones sell, then whatever, I'll just give up on that angle. But remember that even Hemingway had to care about appealing to readers. There is a healthy middle ground between meerkatting and writing another Man without Qualities or schizopost.

What was it like to be alone for so long?

>>20662745
actually pretty nice

>>20659756
Post via pastebin of you want suggested edits. There’s plenty to change

>>20660891
It’s too much description anon. Purple. You are overdoing it. Cut it down and keep cutting until no more than 25% of it is left.

>>20660891
Lots of awkward transitions between clauses that would be better served as just an end to a sentence. I don't dislike "high" prose but you need to stamina to keep it up otherwise it's just gymnastics. Also it's very mean-spirited which is a turn off personally, but that could change if it were a character's perspective.

>>20662406
>>20662412
>>20662473
helpful yea im working on this but with so little characters it is happening more than id prefer

>>20659985
>extra-universal tier
Black vs black.

>>20659985
>white vs white
Other than Legend of the Galactic Heroes, where is this done?

>>20660173
>>20660695
Thanks for the feedback, I should've added slightly more context. This is an excerpt from a couple of pages in so the scene has a little more context going into it; I was just very high last night and found myself particularly pleased with the passage

I need my protag to be motivated purely by fear. Fear of being a disappointment, fear of being a failure, fear of losing his loved ones fear of yadda yadda yadda. The embers at his ass driving him to jump are all made of fear. I'm having a bit of trouble conveying this in a succinct manner. I'm in a weird place where the first chapter when I set up his motivations either ends up purple or with too much 'tell' and not enough 'show'. Anyone know any examples of fearful / cowardly MCs or got any advice?

How the fuck do you write a post apocalyptic world right?

>>20662988
the same way you write any world: through the eyes of well-written characters

>>20662743
Are sending these to agents, publishers or both? What's your criteria for picking them? Also 25 rejections is just getting started. Even great authors get rejected a lot. Think of it like you're a marble rolling on a marble maze trying to get out. There is likely a way out but it takes long to find the person that needs your story. And if it takes too long just publish another way.

>>20662967
have him encounter the things he fears
i have a character who is afraid of taking charge. i put him in situations where he's forced to take charge
he fails at the beginning but get's better and better
then antagonist is responsible for the protagonists fear of leading people. whenever the antagonist shows up, the protagonist feels a ptsd like fear
it's one way of handling it. i'm sure there are dozens of ways

>>20662132
If I remember anything about Zestiria, they made contracts and fused directly with spirits, so not really the same thing. That's a pretty common mechanic, especially in games.

>>20662285
In FF7 it was just the knowledge of the ancients crystallized in materia. In my concept, the spirits in the stones are still alive in a sense, have their own will, and can turn against the user, so the stones can't be handled directly. That was what really felt familiar to me, but maybe I just imagined it.

I'm confident about the originality of the rest of the story, but it'd be pretty bad if readers went like "heeyyy wait a minute!" right in chapter one.

>>20663014
"It seems slightly familiar, but I can't place it exactly" is the ideal bucket for fantasy concepts to fall in. Anybody who tries to criticize you by calling it derivative or accusing you of plagiarism should be ignored.

>>20663038
True, true. It's not like I'm worried about getting sued or anything, but thinking you've come up with a clever idea, then to discover you were not only copying stuff but also too demented to realize it, is kinda lame. But I guess I'm still in the green with this

>finally just got fed up with readers being too retarded to understand characters and leaving comments asking very stupid things
>wrote a large double-spoilered post-chapter note literally explaining one of the central themes of the arc I'm releasing, and how it applies to the main character and affects his behavior (outer spoiler literally tells people not to read the inner spoiler if they don't want some things ruined for them)
>From my experience with doing a similar thing a while back, I know for a fact that this will most likely improve reader opinion of my story even though it completely fucking ruins the worldbuilding and character development
Can someone please make a site that competes with RR but isn't for lowest-common-denominator LitRPG trash? I need a website where asking a reader to make basic, one-step inferences isn't so out of the ordinary that people assume there are plot holes when everything isn't spelled out to them explicitly.
>durr, why main character make mistake?
>maybe because he didn't know it was a mistake at the time due to X, Y, Z
>main character retarded, story dumb
Fuck's sake.

>>20659370
That's what I'm writing, so I hope so.

>>20663086
You fucked up by cracking and starting to explain things. Indulge retards once, they'll never stop coming. If your story is consistent and the events logical, knowing that yourself should be enough

>>20663144
I haven't actually released the chapter with that explanation yet, maybe I'll remove the note tomorrow. Everything is completely consistent, hell the entire story is planned from front to back so there's no "whoops I forgot about X" bullshit, but it seems like asking readers to pay even the slightest bit of attention to detail is impossible.

>>20663086
I have an alt which I use to interact with some of the more intellectually challenged readers who comment on my story. They might ask, "why does character not do x?" or say, "Protagonist is stupid for y reason," I will then explain (and compliment) my writing and 'speculate' on and 'extrapolate' particulars of the characters and future events.
Even though I think they're all retards, my alt never says anything demeaning, so they've started to like and respect him for his 'insightful opinions'.

>>20663171
Yo man, can you do the same for mine? The only problem is the idiot complaining about my characters is from here.

>>20663171
I don't usually use alts, but holy fucking shit I just might do this.

>>20663171
Manipulative, literally sociopathic behavior.

>>20663159
>asking readers to pay even the slightest bit of attention to detail is impossible
It is, and it's pointless to even try. It takes guts to keep silently standing when old tomatoes fly, but if you give attention to stupid people, then they've already won. It's not understanding they're after, but a battle of wit and wills with the author, and there will always be another follow-up argument to any answer and reasoning.

Do note that it doesn't mean every reader is a bitter retard. Those who do understand the story just rarely bother to tell about it, because they don't see their observations as valuable.

>>20663178
It's me. You need to add a lesbian vampire power couple or your story will continue to be shit.

>>20663186
If you aren't constantly socially engineering your friends, coworkers, and the retards you meet online, you aren't doing enough.

>>20663086
what story?
>i wish to retard fight

>>20663199
Can't, busy writing about chocolate twins kicking drug dealers through windows

>>20663316
Have I got an actor to introduce you to.

>>20663363
Nice. Now give it a medieval Philippine flair

>>20663363
This is Cubism for film

>>20662647
>Who the fuck is actually getting published right now?
Last nyt bestseller sounded like Darling in the Franxs, this reads like Satoshi Kons Millennium actress.

Any reccs for books on how to become a better playwright? Not for general writing

>>20662681
Return it at your hearts content lmao.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0B69C6CRD/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=two+lesbian+eating+pizza&qid=1657571613&s=amazon-devices&sr=1-1

>>20659110
OP if you don't mind adding me to the based Redditor /lit/ writers pastebin. ty ty love you

Is your writing reading like YA a sign that you're just not a good enough writer to express yourself properly? I'm trying to write a kind of gothic, gruesome, occult story about a witch running errands for her business but it keeps just turning out very... I don't know, not quirky, but just too light maybe.

There's a short story I'm essentially ripping off, maybe I need to read it again.

>>20663680
Did you intend for it to sound like YA? And YA isn't bad in and of itself, it's all a matter of taste. Also, I think it might depend on how the MC deals with the gruesome things she sees. Is she deadpan about it? Unfazed? Horrified? Slightly perturbed or not at all? Is this normal for her, or is it not? Could be fun to have these just extremely gory gruesome scenes and have the MC nonchallantly laugh it off or be totally unfazed, as if it's par for the course.

>>20662967
Fear usually isn't expressed as fear. Most often it's shown through anger or instability or irrationality, the "fight" part of the fight or flight response. There's a lot of other responses, but that's a primary one.

The other path is to go the coward route full on.

>>20663718
>Did you intend for it to sound like YA?
Unfortunately, no. I know that this is the sort of comparison that people make when they have no idea what they're talking about, but I want it to have a very similar feel/ambiance to stoner/sludge metal. I don't know how well that describes what I'm going for to other people, though.

>It might depend on how the MC deals...
I want her to be this kind of cunning, resourceful character when in trouble, someone who is flippant and arrogant when dealing with other people, but ultimately unsure of herself and her (new) position and learning to navigate a frightening and dark world.

>>20662988
Post-apocalyptic is so done. Pre-apocalyptic is where it's at.

>>20663680
Proud to say I've never read 'YA' in my life. I don't get the appeal - you can have low brow easy reading without manchilding yourself or you can read quality child friendly books like the hobbit or something

>>20662988
Check out in watermelon sugar.

>>20663677
added!

>>20663014
It also sounds like Eregon.

>>20663086
I've used Scribophile in the past, not sure how it is these days. But its decent.

We are at play. A play for two. The audience: the wood, the grass. The stage is where we choose to range. Beneath the iron arms of gum, the hands of the watertable reach up from the earth, hugging the forest closer, cooler, pulling tree back to the birthing mud. Bark, wet biscuit, soaking up our footsteps. Hark. Listen. Far violence. A crowing rises, falters, is not heard again. We follow paths which only we know. Deeper twisting down. Intestinal tracts of a great beast. Flowing with the excrement, the mulch, bugs, refuse. Our hearts are beating hard. Lost. Our broken bodies would never be found. If I fell. If you killed me. If I you. These thoughts spring to mind, mixing darkly with the quaint, your bare white feet, youthful leaps, lithe monkeyswings. I help you down. And down and down. The forest heart. The witch's lair. A gnarled portal opens the imagination. Into the dark where we cower from invisible foe, monsters braying outside our saltcircle. Silence. Peace. Warmth in cold.

>>20663171
This is as sad as giving yourself 'glowing' five star reviews.

>An ex convict brother of two gets a silver spoon opportunity. He has to go back to his old crime ways for undercover cops that's been after a syndicate for years. He has to make them believe he is not an undercover and tries to create situations to make himself go up on the family. After the offer one day he thinks that his brother and sister will fall into the same way he once walked. And he sees patterns of his past self on them too. So he accepts the offer for the sake of his siblings.

Is this interesting enough or too cliche? Any improvements you guys can think?

>>20664041
>brother of two
brother of two what? Two other brothers?
>a silver spoon opportunity
that's not how you use the phrase "silver spoon"

actually this whole thing is a mess, proof read before you post

>>20664041
Your engrish leaves a lot to be desired, but it sounds sort of like The Departed? Sort of.

Has writing ever helped you guys? I'm not doing to well and right now I don't really have anything going or me. Does writing help? I have a lot I want to say but is there any point in me saying it if it wont change my current mentality?

>>20664109
writing can be therapeutic at times, but it's not a final solution to depression

There once was a rabbi named Keith
Who circumcised kids with his teeth
'Twas not for leisure, or sexual pleasure
But to get at the cheese underneath

>>20664069
Yeah engurrshi is not my first language. It's not even second. But i was trying to say, he has two younger siblings. Lmao i also realised that silver spoon thingy after posting it too. "hand to on a silver platter" is what i was trying to use.
>>20664086
Yeah it really looks similar to The Departed. Well to the trash with this story. Thanks.

>>20664112
So I should just switch from electric to gas and pull a Plath? Got it thanks anon.

>>20664069
>brother of two what?
Of two lovely shemales.

There once was a kike named Shlomo
Who sucked off kids 'cause he's a homo
Herpes he spread
And children became dead
And now he works for CNN as Chris Cuomo

>>20664119
>Yeah it really looks similar to The Departed. Well to the trash with this story. Thanks.
Wait, wait, wait. The Departed was a great story so the premise itself is solid. But a premise is such a minor, insignificant part of a story, you shouldn't trash it because mafia movies with informants have been made before. That's like half the mafia movies out there. So fuck your premise, the important part of a story is your characters. If the mc has a good voice and his siblings are sympathetic that's what matters.

>>20664109
Writing helps me, but I was doing fine before. I'm fairly optimistic about the short term but a bit fatalistic. Writing lets me vent out those feelings that sublimate, the things you only talk about with your closest friends. It's also a project that involves meticulous detail and awareness, so not quite like journaling. You are telling a story, not a journal. Stories let you get a resolution of some kind in your life, even if they aren't so clear.

>>20663744
neo-apocalyptic is the next hot thing, trust me

>>20664183
I see. Thanks for your cmment all the same. I know I know 4chan ain't my bog or whatever but I have an appointment coming up and I wanted to know something more before I went into it. I guess my biggest problem I don't why I'm here or what I'm supposed to be doing.

>>20664202
What does neo-apocalyptic mean? Do you mean a story where you witness an apocalypse and not see the aftermath?

>>20664238
its provacative. it gets the people going

>>20664160
I rarely think like this when i write. If something i am trying to write comes too much close to something else and premise can be predicted too then i guess it is time to move on.

>>20664245
>premise
>predicted
A premise merely sets the scene for the story. You can't predict a premise. Your mc can fail, your mc can succeed, your mc can partially fail/succeed. You can interrupt the story halfway through with an alien invasion that only the mc's dog knows about.

>>20664238
Maybe if a story starts in orbit and they are in the process of dropping the bombs to cleanse the planet of the bacteria/monsters/whatever that overtook it, that may qualify as neo-apocalyptic.

>>20664238
>>20664202
>>20663744
My little take on neo-apocalyptic :D

Your writing prompt:

In the land of the blind, nobody would take the one eyed man seriously and he'd be nothing more than a conspiracy theorist.

>>20664285
I like this a lot, anon. The POV sounds completely brainwashed and it's captivating. Are you doing more?

>>20664319
Hey thanks anon! I was just laughing at the neo-apocalypse jokes and it just fell out of me.
You can buy my book (and return it, make sure you get that 2.99 back) sorry for shilling
>>20663677
>>20659140
since I'm in shill mode today

>>20661838
Coffee.

>>20662967
r/nosleep literally only allows fear; no other emotions are allowed.
That's what I learned from the moderators, when they removed every story I tried to submit to that sub.
I have receipts.

>>20664545
>posting on fucking reddit
You get what you deserve, not get the fuck off this site you stupid faggot.

>>20664630
Moot thinks Reddit is superior to this craphole.

>>20664647
Who?

Yo lads, I wanna submit an audiobook version of my book. It's Amazon Self published, but I don't have an ACX account.

In order to submit it, you need a TIN number which is a ballache to get in the UK.

Any ideas?

>>20664767
How does Findaway work?

>>20664545
My best successes on nosleep in the past was posting quick horror stories with little to no character development that took me 15 minutes to write. The couple times I actually put effort into crafting a decent story only got a handful of upvotes

>>20664688
The guy who started 4chan?
You really are a newfag, aren't you.

Shut up Boswell.

>>20664813
How did you follow all their rules?
http://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/wiki/posting_guidelines
The list is absolutely mind-numbing and voluminous.

>>20664823
Looking at their rules now, my stories would not have been allowed. It was a few years ago, so maybe the rules were a lot more lax back then. I find it kinda interesting that their rules prohibit pretty much everything that would make a horror story actually good. That's par for the course for an overmoderated subreddit, though

Got 4000 words written today.
Feels good man.

>>20664865
Proud of you, anon. Keep it up tomorrow

Alright, finally getting into writing by making a branching dialogue in a videogame project, don't laugh at me

Guys, want to review some trees later, the thing is, it's mostly dialogue so I don't know how spicy I can be, as a first draft I think I am leaning too much into personality so I can revisit this.

Have you guys been writing online or just books?

>>20663547
>>20662647
So the new books is to take an anime, then rewrite it with different characters?

Anime Writing wins?

Fuck I'm going to rewrite Madoka or Princess Monoke then.

Wait, is this some random anon? No way one of you is an old middle aged woman. I really hope it's some random person that picked it up and read my book.

>>20665136
This is hard, actually.

>>20665228
branching dialog is very hard and also probably won't make you a better literature writer. The momentum that pulls a player through a VN is very different from the momentum that pulls a reader through a novel. There's also some narrative necessities that exist in VNs that aren't in novels, like the need to communicate the size of the paths not chosen.

>>20665271
What should I do? Do you feel? I do want to make the project but my main inspiration, as a game/writing thing was Disco Elysium which I am nowhere in terms of skill, it's the current apex predator, I thought about going naturalistic but I am having doubts.

>>20665223
>Dianna Schmidt
Come on anon, does that really sound like a real name to you? It's obviously an anon

>>20665280
If you want to make games, make games. Just be ready to question the conventional wisdom of storytelling because it's a very different was of experiencing a story, and nobody has really quite nailed down the heuristics yet.

>>20665280
no reason not to make it. I'm thinking about starting a twine game as a side project (porn) but my difficulty is the pictures. I could steal them ofc, but I'm thinking about biting the bullet and trying to learn DAZ studio, or something.

this is my inspiration, it's a neat little game that this guy made as a side project (and stole pictures for)
https://f95zone.to/threads/battle-quest-v1-0-2-lobsterman9999.120190/

for mine plotwise it'll be gender bender (fuck you its my fetish) A scientist that's being blackmailed gets sent out to an offworld research colony to commit corporate espionage. Something happens and en route in cyro his brain gets put in a sexy girl synth that's being sent out with a batch of synths to join the brothel out on the colony (the colony is like 90% men). his original body gets jettisoned with the trash. so she's stuck there in this horny body and she still needs to commit espionage, within 6 months maybe, and also figure out what happened to cause this.

plotwise, writing wise, pretty straightforward. making all the pictures, a much more daunting task. seems like a fun side project tho.

>>20665290
>look her up
>tons of smut romance novel
I dunno anon... if it's a random anon, then he's making a really strange trolling decision. it' s not obvious enough

Emily anon, why did you never show us your ad?

>>20665403
>my difficulty is the pictures.
There's always Koikatsu studio anon.

>>20665293
Yeah, I just want to make a GOOD game, like come on, pic related is the king. But it's so alien to anything I can make, it's a style I don't get.
I am just insecure about my writing, too train of thought and samey at times.
>>20665403
Good luck anon, what artstyle do you have in mind?

How do you get rid of the fear of sharing your work? I'll be writing mid-sentence, and the thought of someone else reading it stops me in my tracks.
>"No, that's not right... or realistic."
>"They'll see that this character is similar to x in y."
>"They'll recognize this as a trope."
I have two novels, and a dozen short stories, completely unread by anyone but me; just because I'm mortified of being exposed as a hack. I don't know what to do bros...

>>20665467
the only correct answer is to grow as a person, to broaden your horizons, and deepen your knowledge. to round your edges and sharpen your points.
cheat sheet: take the stoicism pill

>>20665467
>you share your writing
>someone reads it and points out something that cold be better
>you fix that thing and improve your writing
You'll never improve if you don't share your writing with other people. No matter how talented/skilled you are, some mistakes just aren't obvious until someone else points them out to you

>>20665456
looks decent, my only issue is I don't think there are any models degrading enough for some of the scenes I'm thinking. on the bad end there'll be the girl gagging on this guy's dick, he's stout with a potbelly, 5 o clock shadow and balding, hair on his knuckles, hand on her head, and she's just be used. on the other side a more handsome adonis type and she's in the in cowgirl position. I've got have both types possible, variety is the spice of life.

DAZ I think you can create the model once and then freely manipulate it. granted it's a bunch of legwork up front.

>>20659756
I assume this is a visit from a glowie to some radical idiot editing wikis about shit like fuck niggers or fuck the government or the conspiracy of the new world order and globohomo or something, which is an interesting premise that I myself have considered, however your understanding seems to be too surface leve, or just haven't provided enough content for me to judge it properly. Taken at face value as an excerpt from someone who has never written before, it's okay. You obviously have an idea you want to express, you just need to figure out how to accomplish that more elegantly.

I can't tell if the "he questioned calmly" is a subtle reference to dumbledore posting or not. Maybe this website has ruined me. If it's not, just avoid adverbs after dialogue tags by default, only use them if you really must. Try to imply just how calm and cool and collected and professional and clean cut the spook is instead. His jawline could cut glass. He looked like he played football in college. His suit fit him perfectly. There was a wire descending from his ear down into his collar. He stood with his hands clasped in front of him at waist level. There's much more you can say about someone aside from "He was dark."

>>20665542
Also, the syntax is a bit fucked.
"Graham looked into the man's eyes. They were dark, just like the rest of him. They were so dark, Graham could see his own reflection in them. Graham looked like he was about to piss his pants."
The focus is initially on the man, his eyes, his person, and then immediately shifts to the narrator's description of Graham. It provokes whiplash and a "wait a minute" moment that you should generally try to avoid, unless you're attempting comedy. Going by the context, I'm assuming you weren't.
You want your prose to be as easy to read as possible. Avoid clunkiness, so that the reader is almost tricked into thinking they are not sitting on a couch reading a book, they are actually in there, in the world with those characters. They get immersed, they lose themselves in the tale, and they live, for a time, vicariously through your characters. The true magic of stories happens here. The reader is so engrossed, that they end up doing most of the work themselves.
"It was a dark and stormy night" will evoke in readers such phantom sensory input as the howling of the wind in the trees, the rolling boom of thunder and the crash of lightning. It's hard to put into words exactly how and when something not only fails to accomplish this, but in fact does the complete opposite. I felt it for a moment when I read that Graham could see his own reflection in the dark man's eyes. And also he (Graham) was about to piss his pants. It almost evokes a perfectly timed joke from Anansi Boys, one of the greatest and funniest books ever written. Gaiman does that a lot in that book, writes a few sentences, and then puts a zinger at the end that ties it all up neatly in a comedic bow. It's magic. But again unless you're going for that, I wouldn't recommend it.

>>20665472
Don't share it with other people. Share it with other writers. Laymen don't know nothing.

>>20665415
I did. Amazon generates it for you

>>20664545
Some anon claimed a mod on there stole his work.
>>20664823
>Horror writing forum
>Can't post certain things that make certain people uncomfortable
Lol.

I keep thinking I've found the mental block that's been holding my writing back and keep being wrong about it. I know I have the ability somewhere inside me because I've called on it before, but it's been so long since I've been able to access it and I've tried so many things it makes me wonder if I'll ever get it back.

what is it? a lack of passion? lack of inspiration? depression? laziness? anxiety? burnout? poor self esteem? not enough validation? a used up soul? an inability to commit to one answer long enough to fix it?

What's do I have to do to be me again?

Hey /lit/. I'm writing a story about a vagabond whose trying to survive the winter. The setting takes place in an abandoned bowling alley and I need criticisms to see what I'm doing wrong. Thanks.

>>20665618
More like vaginabond
Heh
Get owned buddy
sorry if that's too harsh.. you gotta be on guard in these threads eheehehehe

>>20665618
you're doing a lot wrong, too much to easily itemize. I'll expand on this tomorrow if I can be bothered.
good night /wg/

>write novel
>decide protag and villain are too unrelated
>flaw is unfixable
>shelve it
>a year and a half after last looking at it
>suddenly realize exactly how to fix it
I may be retarded but I am going to salvage this one

Aint no me,
Just a persona
That feeds me pleasure
For the moment

Wave at the mask
I’m the ocean
But yet another wave I bask
Laughing, at this one
For soon the shores will crash
Is this for status
Or cash
Ever-changing,
Thoughts rearranging
For the times we exchanging
Grains of sand for a promise
At the commas
Momma, I aint with drama
I don’t defend no honor,
Y’all can’t judge me
If I know I’m God
This my stage
So don’t applaud
I’m just doing my job

Can’t wait till that curtain fall
I’m gettin tired
But I know it’s only me
Who hands is on that fire

Day 30 editing
123.8k words
345 pages
26 chapters
>why did you cucks never tell me finishing a book feel this good

>>20664118
haha

>>20663785
Never heard of that. What happens in it?

>>20665689
fuck off hairy

>>20665726
It's literally just fantasy not-star wars. It was touted as a big youth author success story cos the dude that wrote it was 15yo at the time of writing the first book.

Unsurprisingly the truth is that he has daddy's money and his parents owned the fucking publishing company.

>>20665709
You think we know what that feels like?

>>20665709
So when are you going to post it? My pincers are ready

>>20665799
I'm legitimately conflicted about linking it when i begin to upload it to the interwebs.
>>20665774
It took me well over half a year to get two rough drafts sum totaling 330k words. Surely you can cut back on shitposting to do even half that?

>>20659110
>It was August, a prime time to harvest crops.
>Cutting the sugarcanes and plucking the cumin, sesame, and other spices from their trees, Ohon profusely sweats
Sarine: Why don’t we take a break? It’s been 3 hours since we began, aren’t you hungry?
Ohon: Look you could take a break but someone has to be working. Before long we’ll run out of syer and starve before winter hits.
Sarine grumbles
>Sighing as he continues on working, Ohon stares at the vast distance of the horizon.
Ohon: When do you think pa is coming back from the city?
Scarfing down a potato, Sarine replies: No longer than a few days probably. He left two weeks ago so he’s probably on his way now
Ohon: He’s always relatively fast though
Sarine: Well maybe he was hassled by some soldiers hoping for some Narsois
>Night begins to fall and they among with some others frontiersmen travel 5 miles to a forest
Ohon: Why did dad have to take the good saddle to the city?
Sarine: Do you expect him to take the terrible one and hold his spices?
Ohon: You got the anchit?
>Sarine presents it

>In the forest, the Hisad has begun the count.
Hisad: Five men are missing.
Hisaree: Maybe the Lords have damned them to miss the procession

>Traveling at a rapid pace, Sarine is beginning to lose her grip over the anchit. Suddenly it fell without a sound, but that’s when Sarine knew she fucked up
>As they arrived, the Hisad looks at them disappointedly for being late

Hisad: Take a seat
>As they take their seats the fires which they encompass begin to grow larger and larger
Hisad: We are a people blessed like none other. Acknowledging our ancestors heroic achievements the Lord have given our people a route to salvation.
>The Hisaree began going around giving some Narois to the attendees.
Hisad: Embrace this gift and let your soul and body fuse
>As they chew a the drug, images of the Lord, then angels, and finally their ancestors pop up
Hisad: Throw your anchit to the fire and honor your ancestors!
Something something happens they explain why they have no anchit and Hisad scolds them
Later as the MCs come closer to their home they are greeted with Yu’lgrion hordes on horseback firing at unsuspected victims, pillaging, looting, raping, and committing every vile act you can imagine. Blah blah hero’s journey begins and I’m going to bed now, au revoir

>>20665709
I talked about finishing 1st and 2nd drafts but that's all I've finished so far. It does feel good. You will make it brother.

>>20665618
You really thought about what this place looked like and found a lot of details. However, without reading your comment I don't think I would have known it was a bowling alley so maybe add something that makes that a little clearer.
Also, it is very dry, it was good imagery at first, and continues to give good details, but the way its written is like reading a list and my brain numbed out about halfway into that massive fucking paragraph.
If this is leading into a story, maybe try to show the place through a character's eyes and sparse out the descriptions a little instead of bombarding your reader with everything at once.
That's the easiest way to fix it.
The hard way to fix it would be to put on your poetry hat and work that prose.

>>20665819
>I'm legitimately conflicted about linking it when i begin to upload it to the interwebs.
Don't be scared, bitch.

Is using a drone to spy on a superyacht and hack their system dumb?

New thread >>20666452
because the time is short
and then...hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work I go