/lit/ - Literature

>>20460290
I had to read it a few times to understand it. I thought it was a neat concept and liked it a bit the second time through, but the first it was a bit of work.

>>20460299

Thank you for the honest review. I would say I'm inspired by more archaic writing styles so i get that it might be a bit jarring.

I wish i could write poetry more, but I'm really rather busy and it seems i can only write when the muses want me to.

>>20460290
I like it all except the last verse. You seem to have talent!

>>20460290
Nice poem, very environmentalist.

You got little work to do, read it a loud and see where it feels off.

The muses want you to write for five minutes every day and more when they come to you. You will get better.
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-
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There are two lines that have to be reworked “have rivers…stone” and “choked and raped by metal windmills?”

>>20460290
>>20460312
I usually relentlessly shit on poetry posted by anons here which use archaic words for being cringe and I was planning to do the same here, but this is actually pretty good except for the last line. Also drop the O' from the title, completely unnecessary and cringe.

Yeah, the last line kinda blows but it was pretty nice until then.

>>20460377
Appreciate the feedback, if your curious i can provide a little more context for the imagery.

My underlying theme for the poem is actually an interrogative aimed at the reader (and for me, the author). The environmentalist imagery is because it's something i care deeply about, which sets up the last line to be more jarring.

The question i pose to the reader is whether time will degrade their true, original qualities, or will you keep your youthful pride and curiosity as you age, ever reaching towards greater heights.

Also aged stone is supposed to be aged stoneS to rhyme with boneS I'm just literally retarded and forgot to make it plural.

Rate my poem:

Middwest and The Sunshine State

Nah but fr fr
Put two D’s on that bish
One to emphasize how mid it is
Two cause they asses all 2 dimensional
Dis bishes ain’t got no ass
Some got thighs, no lie
But no pop, depth, humph

It’s a great culture they got here
But motherfucker where I’m from
The lady at the bus stop
The fucking lady waiting for the bus
Got a donk
A handful
Something to hold on too

Goddamn, how do no bishes got ass ass?
Some got thighs but all I do is sigh

learn metre

>>20460400
Curious as to why you dislike the last line? This is my most common feedback so I'm open to changing it. But my intent is for the last line to be jarring so if that's why you dislike it, then my point was made lol.

>>20460424

Yeah i think my rythm could be improved if i slimmed down the second stanza, bit there's a lot of theme building there i can't bring myself to cut out. Curious if you have any tips or suggestions?

>>20460422
Are you suggesting my beautiful Midwestern hoes be havin' no asses?

Cuz you're absolutely 100% right and I'm livid.

>>20460419
>The question i pose to the reader is whether time will degrade their true, original qualities, or will you keep your youthful pride and curiosity as you age, ever reaching towards greater heights.

You only give that impression in the first stanza, the rest of the poem seems to ask rhetorical questions.

The reasons why I said those two lines need to be reworked, are these
1 the beat changes on both lines, you can think of it like a song, with these two lines it’s as though they are from different songs.
2. The syntax takes the reader out of the poem “painted” “choked and raped”
You want the lines to be jarring not off putting, the last line it’s the weakest.

Here is what I would do with the first line
“Have the rivers trenched/marked/scared your mighty stones”

>>20460328
yeah the last verse is a bit unhinged, otherwise good

>>20460507

With the painting line, my intent was to hearken back to, and build upon the idea introduced in the opening line -

This time i stead of simply weathering time, you have aged well with it. To reuse an old cliche have you aged line wine?

Could my premise be too complicated for 4 stanzas?

As for the difference between jarring and off putting, how would you approach the difference? I haven't taken a literature class since highschool, so i mostly get what you're saying, but I'm not sure I see a way to fix the problem.

>>20460290
Someone on this board posted a page of Proust, a Larkin poem, and page of Faulkner pretending they were his own and they all got relentlessly shat on.

>>20460658
Ruthless criticism is what I expected, tho i appreciate the gesture :p

language comes off as too antiquated

also tendrils/windmills strikes me as a hokey rhyme, rape ill placed

also there's no meter!

>>20460688
Most of the anons on this board don't read and have no idea what they're talking about. If someone can post a page of Faulkner or Proust for no one to recognise it, and for 95% of anons to say it's shit, it should make you think about what this board is actually about. I don't have the critical skills to critique your poem, but neither does anyone else here. Keep in mind that you could be a Faulkner, a Proust, or a Larkin and all you would get is trolls saying your work is shit. Maybe your work genuinely is shit, but this place's reaction is worth nothing and you'd be a fool to think otherwise.

Check out the response one of Larkin's poems got on here:

>>20456688

Maybe this board is right, Larkin really is shit. But either way, in the real world he did pretty well for himself. Faulkner and Proust however are two authors who always get praised on this board, and when someone posted up pages of their works they got the same response as the Larkin poem. So my suspicion is that most anons are just full of shit pseuds on this board.

>>20460765
Everyone knew this is Proust fragment they just continued with joke

>>20460778
Not at first, only after one anon realised it was Proust.

>>20460778
>>20455879

This is the Proust thread. People can their own minds up.

>>20460290
that shits gay.
>>20460765
this place is still 4chan. The presentation of it is terrible. Hey I did a thing do you like it? That's for fuckin twitter and leddit and your mom. Now say, he writes out an epic poem response to refute a claim another annon was making. Now that's epic. or some other such excuse that wasn't so self interested and fishing for compliments. Play to your audience. A poem shitting on some literary work would be more entertaining to read that someone trying to be an actual poet. Ya im a fuckin pseud what you gonna do about it. If you come to 4chan for hopes of positive feedback you have sadly been misinformed.

>>20460800
If you know you're just trolls, why do you seeth so much when you get caught out?

>>20460290
I love it

>>20460778
>>20460790

Here's a shot of the whole Proust thread (too large to post here):

https://imgur.com/a/CYe8ofQ

>>20460812
I dunno were not a hive mind. I can only speak for myself. I cant be called out. Already explained where I am coming from. I don't care what amazing poem is posted by any author. If the context is, hey I wrote this do you like it? It seems real gay to me. Words for words sake is boring. If he was trying to say something I would care more. He is talking about a mountain being choked and raped. You know what I take it back, that shit is hot as hell.

>>20460800
get a load of this newnigger

>>20460427
The allegory doesn't really work

>>20460841
Whatever, sounds like you're not trying to be a pseud then. Most on here are.

>>20460841
You can't be called out because you're not saying anything

>>20460632
> With the painting line, my intent was to hearken back to, and build upon the idea introduced in the opening line -

>This time i stead of simply weathering time, you have aged well with it. To reuse an old cliche have you aged line wine?

It does not sound like it, again after the first line, the poem seems to asks rhetorical questions. You already know the answers, “when your peaks were shorn” “left abandoned…”
This has already happened, so the question marks ask a different question than the ones you pose, in this case they ask “are you(Elder Mountain) still there?”
I understand where you want to take the poem to, with that in mind, you have more work to do apart from your two weak lines.
You need to reread your poem, edit it, change the syntax for example “when your peaks were shorn” to and have your peaks been shorn”, and use better word choice for your last line.
When something is jarring, it can take you aback, when something is off putting, it distracts from the poem, either you no longer care for the poem, or you forget about the poem and focus on that single line.
Your meter needs to be consistent.
Do not fall into the trap “I only write for myself” -of course you write for yourself, but have an audience in mind too, that will help you ask “can others see what I’m saying in this poem”

>>20460290
It's nice but the last line doesn't connect to eternity being beyond time's marks.

Everyone, please report OP for spamming/flooding or low quality threads.

>>20460765
>>20460790
>>20460835
Why are you acting like you aren't getting clowned on in every thread you make for passing off famous work as your own?

>>20461581
Why are you acting like you aren't coping well with the fact that you know you're a pseud?

how do you guys like my poem

In patience to abide

To veil the threat of terror

And check the show of pride;

By open speech and simple

An hundred times made plain

To seek another’s profit

And work another’s gain

>>20460290
Last line sucks, makes zero sense with the rest of the poem, maybe work on where you place your line breaks
"and breathe you out"
"a forgetful rust"

Also who is "she"? If you're leaving the question ambiguous, at least give some context. Blindly guessing "oh it must be a Goddess or something" isn't good, even obtuse references should be referential to something specific. I don't like the second line, "undying lust" doesn't sound good to me despite the alliteration, but I have no other alternatives to offer.

I would say the third stanza needs something besides the rivers to connect it to the snow (unless you mean snowy in appearance, i.e, fast moving water) l

>>20460312
You're welcome anon, hope it's helpful. I feel you about the time and the muses. Would love to write more prose myself.

>>20460290

This is really good

>>20460290
>Choked and raped by metal windmills
>raped by metal windmills
>metal windmills

>>20460800
Based

>>20460849

I actually agree, the poem was originally around 8 stanzas and I've slimmed it to half that, so i think the context that made the rape line worthwhile is now gone.

>>20461568
What are you talking about this is the first time I've ever posted a thread on /lit/

>>20462135
This is the most common critique, and i agree with it.

In this case "She" is just time.

Hey guys I have a poem could you critique it?

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer’s lease hath all too short a date;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature’s changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st;
Nor shall death brag thou wander’st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

>>20461608
Here’s how I see it, to know a great work of literature you have to be familiar with literary devices, and it also takes a few reads to begin to understand concepts the author is presenting.
If you didn’t specialize in an author, and you read many books, it’s unlikely you would recognize Proust, Joyce or other writers immediately from one paragraph.
At that point it becomes highly personal and subjective, it will depend on what you’ve read recently and who your favourite pieces are, that’s how a few anons would say the writing it’s shit even if it was written by Faulkner.

>>20463129
The last line sucks, but other than that it's good. Keep it up Bill.

>>20461568
Why are you gay

feeling of no feelings
i thhink i am not winning
again.. unborn
my bros with no call
or is it me they ignore
reptiles polite to my goal
of thousand shitposts
took a based shit lost
that plateau
sorry, it doesn't work anymore
refuge in dumb rhymes
my sangha, believe, I did try
but the mental straitjacket is real
seeing cars pass over my squeals
I scream but no one ever hears
I sneed under the dried up tree
ate up by the big fish
I pray to the stone
but it feels like the death wish

>>20463129
I see your sonnet 18, and raise you sonnet 30.

>>20462630
>metal windmills
Or modern day giants

>>20463597
Not gonna lie, there’s some feeling to this. Still, you can do better anon.

Most people are endearing far away,
In the timeless silence. In an image.
Up from the seventh floor,
I see gray suits, and hasty people
riding in the cars.
I see children running,
and young men with worried pace.
Up here I find life's troubles amusing.
The droning of the air conditioning makes me drowsy-

>>20460290
We're not living in the year 1900, kid.

>>20465056
This is nice, comfy.
Reminds me of John Ashberys poem The Instruction Manual, like an opposite perspective. Though he is at work, I’m guessing you are home.

This is how the poem starts

As I sit looking out of a window of the building
I wish I did not have to write the instruction manual on the uses of a new metal.
I look down into the street and see people, each walking with an inner peace,
And envy them—they are so far away from me!
Not one of them has to worry about getting out this manual on schedule.

>>20460439
Thank you for the kind words, I might try publishing it.

>>20465163
You are right, I am at home. However, I was thinking of the poem as being in an office setting. I didn't know John Ashbery, seems like the kind of mood I wanted to evoke.
Thanks, anon. People on this board always point me to the right direction.

>>20462101
Sounds alright, because of the times we live in, I’m guessing you are a brand selling merch during pride month and making a killing.

Everywhere I see white faces
Oppressing me on every level
Attacking me in safe spaces
We must destroy the white devil

>>20460290
>unsullied
the game of thrones tv show has devalued this to a trailer trash tier word unfortunately

>>20465603
It always was

>>20465410
You’re welcome anon.
Here’s a link for anons that want to read the poem

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/47766/the-instruction-manual

Just finished this poem.

My eye blazes the sun’s burning.

The blush of the blue sky is rose flushed,
The bough of the tree blooms with fresh flowers,
The rush of the wind flings the decked bowers,
Making the human eye grow lush.

Pink suns would dye plain earth bonny red,
Sing love should my nature calmly fret,
Brink of brook my brain bursts balmy breath,
King, son, good, high named, mirth, body’s death.

Idyllic idol of crystal who’s title is ancient of days,
By phrase of rhyme I praise by mine sayings twined,
As spindle’s winding I’ve brindled and bridled my idle ways,
I place thine sign’s trace and bind the blind and base.

Blessed being bring beauty’s boundless breath!
Bold barry brawny booming blameless beth!
Breast bolted by baldur’s blotting blazing barbs!
Brightened bow broken bough bent bars!
Blithe babble-barme’d Bacchhian born!
Blazon blemishless but blamed bachtrian Bourne!
Brandished blade burning bone blee!
Banished brick but best building’s beam!
Bring between both bears baal!
Basphemous blendling bare black bale!
Bream baboon bellow bodily bliss!
By brutish brawling break batin’s brim!

I cried as cast damned madness
A sight rapt past man’s palace,
For I had basked vasts matchless
Where All chant glad cants balanced.

it doesnt sound good spoken. 5/10
at least you got something

>>20460290
Reads like shit.

>>20460290
This is a vague claim, but I think poetry has to be based on a genuine engagement with language, and a fundamental aspect of language is that it develops as part of human history, so if you deny that aspect and try to write like you actually are a 19th-century Romantic you're blocking off the kind of openness to language's autonomy that's essential for good poetry. That doesn't mean you can't use archaic elements - Wallace Stevens for example often writes in a deliberately grandiose and archaic way - but you have to consciously work with the weirdness and pastiche-ness as one of the poem's elements.

Rate my poem, destroy it if necessary


I’ll be resting on the white lily bloom
The peace of the grand sky
Right into my minds
Vase and water, water flame
Arms stretched out
Out towards the cosmos
Waterfall and meteor shower
Next to the white lily bloom
And my armor and boots
In the thorns of a bush
And my first drink of absinthe
In a wood cup of ergot
I’ll lay back by the white lily bloom

>>20460312
A brief summation of your poem is as follows:

Oh look a mountain. Some cool geologic features are indicated therein.

Something about rape.

By the way, I'm sad.

The end.

>>20460290
Cool, rate mine.

Your poem is shit
I hated it
Ambiguous meaning
Get to deleting