/lit/ - Literature

I’ll start with a 20 page script for a Philosophy cartoon I’m working on. This one is about Philosophy. I will critique to whoever responds but it might be some time cuz I work a night shift and wake up late.

>>19965372
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1eg0VDZi-nosu51guGEkw4UqSlZ9G-sKv/view?usp=drivesdk

Forgot to post link

And yes I’m doing this because I got no replies on the other post.

I like the crisp and detailed drawing style.

Just organize it, compile it, go to a library or at home print some copies .. scan it make an e book version

Make an Instagram where you post some promotional shots

Make a YouTube video where you read some pages.

Shop it around to anime manga comic book publishers. Or just only try those self publishing

After you print a copy, go to your local comic book stores see if they can help

Just do it, trust your guts and instincts it got you that far and it appears it has created a considerable alot.

>>19965362
jew first

>>19965362
https://old.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/sg0yb4/disquiet_mind/

>>19965377
Very weird but not necessarily in a bad way. I would've liked to see a bit more continuity though, I couldn't really get a read on the characters even by cartoon logic their actions did not really follow organically from the situation.

Posted pic related in /wg/. Looking for some more crit before I continue.

>>19965372
>>19965377

Embarrassing and cringe. The people who like it are too shitty to even be your target audience and you need to keep that in mind

>>19965947
Thank you very much for this advice ive screenshoted and will continue following this dream with a bit more confidence

>>19965966
This is very good. I was gripped halfway through as I wanted to know wtf was going on in a good spooked way. Good job anon this is very creepy and the ending where it turns out those demon things were in love with each other just added an extra dimension to the story. I honestly don’t have anything to add it’s very good sorry I couldn’t critique it but it’s a good spooky story and you definitely captured the darkness of mental illness very well.

The kitchen smelled of butter. Butter churned from the night before. Two plates adorned the table top. The red plate, displayed three large pancakes, while the blue plate, adorned a single large waffle. The smell of both delicacies mixed together forming an aroma of buttermilk, vanilla, and eggs. The steam from the two plates rose slowly, enticing even the most diet conscious person to break their vow and have a taste. The two plates were not alone.

"Waffles are much better than pancakes!" said the boy, swallowing his saliva.
"No way! Pancakes are much better than waffles!" replied the girl, handling a knife and fork in each of her hand.
"You're crazy! The minute the sweet drizzle of maple syrup fills each comb inside the waffle, the waffle's buttermilk flavor enhances to indescribable and unmatched taste," the boy said as he took the small jug of syrup and poured it over the blue plate holding his prized breakfast cake.
"Disgusting, waffles need so much syrup you may as well drink the syrup straight from the bottle! The soft fluffy texture of the pancake easily fills up my mouth and allows for easy swallowing unlike the ridged and tough grooves of the waffle. Just a drop of syrup is enough to bring out the flavor of the pancake. Butter does not even spread well on waffles. Each comb cuts and breaks apart the butter, leaving an uneven mess of a breakfast item. Pancakes on the other hand allow for a smooth spread that can be appreciated anywhere."
'What? If you're so confident about pancakes how about we have a dare?" cried out the boy.
"What's the dare?"
"I'm going to spread my cum onto your pancakes and have a taste test! If you can still swallow your pancakes even after being drenched in cum then I will admit that pancakes are better. Deal?" challenged the boy.
"Your cum? That's disgusting! That's not even a real bet. Besides, you can't even make enough of it to cover the surface of the pancake!"
"Fine, then we'll have to ask all our friends to join in!"
"No! That will just ruin the taste! You can't have different cum on the pancake! Cum doesn't all taste the same! There's only one way to settle this then."
"How? I'm all ears."

The boy locked eyes with the girl steeling his nerves to the solution that she has in store for the two. Their cakes were cooling down from the commotion, as neither taken a single bite. The wind rattled the shutters as a tumbleweed rolled in the backyard. The clouds outside casted a shadow and shaded the two combatants ready to end the timeless conflict between pancakes and waffles.
"Well hurry it up and get on with it," the girl demanded, "what? are you scared?"
The boy with fury in his eyes immediately took off his pants. His member was still soft, but that quickly changed from the stimulation of his hand. It didn't pass 20 seconds when he grabbed the blue plate and ejaculated onto the fluffy cakes.

"There! Eat it! I dare you!"

>>19966124
It kept me interested for the most part, although I’m still a bit confused as to exactly what happened probably cuz I’m a brainlet but it seems that he looks for married women that cheat and exposes them? Sorry if I’m off by a lot.

Is this the beginning of a novel? It’s the theme infidelity? Passion ?

Overall it kept my interest although I would like to have known the narrator’s motivation besides “it’s a calling” but if it’s a part of a novel then it might be revealed later Or explored more later.

>>19967590
Why do these children speak like adults?

Eighteen Years Ago

The snow powders the brisk cloudy sky as he lies on the ground. In eighteen years, he’ll be sitting in prison covered in another woman’s blood, but right now, he lies in the snow sleeping peacefully.

Alexei

“Kachunk…kachunk…kachunk…”

As my consciousness slowly returned to me, I could hear that incessant noise in the background. As I open my eyes, I am greeted with an endless grey expanse spread out before me. Millions of powder white fall from the sky. I am lying on the ground, surrounded by snow on all sides. Trees surround the edge of my vision. They have lost their leaves and are blanketed in snow. The branches seem to reach out towards me with their arms.

“Kachunk…kachunk…kachunk…”

The oddly familiar noise continues in the background. It was the sound of the rail engine that I had heard only a month ago, when our family finally moved here. The hypnotic monotony of the sound from the past had come back into my world as my mind was on the edge of consciousness. The lines between awake and a dream blurred. The fur coat my father had bought me had kept me warm as I slept in the snow. I could feel a brisk chill on my face as my body radiated with heat. In that brisk winter afternoon as I lie on the snowy ground surrounded by white, I was tempted by the droning sounds to fall back asleep.

Poke. My sleepiness wears off. Someone poked my cheeks. My vision is covered by a face. I see two big eyes curiously staring at me. The auditory hallucination of rail engines slowly disappear from my mind.

“Ummmm… are you awake?” A small girl asks curiously.

>>19967590
This made me laugh. If you’re serious about wanting critique for this I will say that the boy and the girls dialogue mostly concerning their initial debate doesn’t sound like something a 12-15 year old boy or girl would say (those are the age I imagined) and rather sounds like the prose (which I really did enjoy) was used as dialogue. I might simplify their dialogue or make it more unique to the boy and girl as the girl sounds too similar to the boy when describing why pancakes are better.

>>19967590
>in each of her hand
This sounds clunky, we don't need to hear it's in her hands.
I also need to suspend disbelief with how the boy is talking in the next line, because most children aren't that articulate, but maybe you're trying to create estrangement or something for the reading. At which point I realise it's a big joke and you have just shitposted.
>"I'm going to spread my cum onto your pancakes and have a taste test! If you can still swallow your pancakes even after being drenched in cum then I will admit that pancakes are better. Deal?" challenged the boy.
Couldn't you have set this up better? It wasn't particularly shocking or funny. The ending was a bit funnier and punchier, you tended to dance around the joke with obvious sarcasm, so it was better when you weren't wallowing in your own filth.

>>19967664
>>19967656
good point.
>>19967690
also good point.

I will rewrite this.

>>19966124
The final paragraph - unless an introduction to another section - feels a bit hamfisted as it just seems like a small anecdotal refutation of the nuanced narrative that the narrator has introduced. Feels like the narrator could just as easily dismiss the dancer instead of taking her truth to heart. But, the whole thing of the PI imitating god and then realizing that he isn’t immune to human passion is a fantastic commentary. Great display of the woman too although women will hate on it, especially the bit about objective truths vs human experience. I really enjoyed writing this and it could make a phenomenal novel. The PI is a great isolated hero figure, reminds me of the Driver. Keep it up

>>19967707
>I really enjoyed writing this
anon...I

>>19967707
***reading not writing

>>19967663
I feel like this doesn't really flow. You sort of just give facts/details in succession and they're loosely related, only because they're happening within your story. And some of them are out of order. Like the coat not being mentioned until the end. Before that, I'm forced to imagine something, which isn't bad in itself, but then you say what it actually is, rendering my imagination null and void. I don't think what you wrote is *bad* because I myself am not a critic. But it's not something that really pulled me in.

I am going to post a couple pages from what I have wrote. I would post it all in one image, but they're literal pages in a notebook, so I cannot.

Here are a couple things to note: There are children with powers, and they have code names given to them (like Andromeda). Unfilled triangles represent the start of a thought, filled in triangles represent the end. These are pages 2047-2052, so some description isn't present because it was touched on sometime earlier in the story. Heavy forward slashed indicate perspective changes. Hopefully that covers it, if not, just ask. Well, here come the images.

>>19967755
2/4

>>19967755
>hand-written
>not-scanned
>not even properly oriented
come on man

>>19967762
3/4

>>19967663
Very nice comfy imagery, reminded me of blade runner 2049 ending. It sounds cute and I want to know what happens.

>>19967763
I write in my spare time. Physically writing is calming to me. The sound of pen on paper is enjoyable, and I hurt my wrist some years back and I can't type for too long before it becomes irritating.

But how would I go about scanning 2000+ pages conveniently, actually? I've been thinking about that recently.

4/4

The kitchen smelled of butter. Butter churned from the night before. Two plates adorned the table top. The red plate, displayed three large pancakes, while the blue plate, adorned a single large waffle. The smell of both delicacies mixed together forming an aroma of buttermilk, vanilla, and eggs. The steam from the two plates rose slowly, enticing even the most diet conscious person to break their vow and have a taste. The two plates were not alone.

"Waffles are much better than pancakes!" said the boy, swallowing his saliva.
"No way! Pancakes are much better than waffles!" replied the girl, with a knife and fork in hand.
"You're so dumb! Once I put syrup on, it becomes ten times way better!" the boy said as he took the small jug of syrup and poured it over the blue plate holding his prized breakfast cake.
"Yuck! See! Waffles need so much syrup to taste good! Pancakes taste good with anything! It's so soft and fluffy that it doesn't hurt my mouth like waffles do! I just need a drop of syrup to make it yummy! Butter does not even spread well on waffles. It's always uneven! But pancakes? It's always super even."
'You're such a liar!" cried out the boy.
"No I'm not!"
"You said pancakes tastes good with anything!"
"Ya it does!"
"I bet it doesn't taste good with cum! If you can still swallow your pancakes even after being cover in cum then you win. Deal?" challenged the boy.
"Your cum? Gross! That's not even a real dare anyways. You can't even make enough of it to cover the surface of the pancake!"
"Fine, we'll get all our friends to join in!"
"No! You can't have different cum on the pancake! Cum doesn't all taste the same! You'll ruin it!"
"Fine! Then just my cum then!"
"You better have enough!"

The boy locked eyes with the girl steeling his nerves to the solution that she has in store for the two. Their cakes were cooling down from the commotion, as neither taken a single bite. The wind rattled the shutters as a tumbleweed rolled in the backyard. The clouds outside casted a shadow and shaded the two combatants ready to end the timeless conflict between pancakes and waffles.

"Hurry up! I'm hungry!" the girl demanded, "Are you scared?"
"No! I just need to get ready!"

The boy with fury in his eyes immediately took off his pants. His member was still soft, but that quickly changed from the stimulation of his hand. It didn't pass 20 seconds when he grabbed the blue plate and ejaculated onto the fluffy cakes.

"There! Eat it! I dare you!"

The girl looked at the white globs that covered her meal. The heat of the pancake kept the semen warm. The girl took her knife and pushed the white ooze toward the edge and cut out a piece. The cum drizzled over the edge of the piece of pancake as it dripped slowly over the fork nearing her mouth. She twirled her mouth over the cake, licking the white condiment that stained her lips. Her saliva quickly mixed with both batters in her mouth as she chewed.

>Post limit.

>>19967755
>>19967762
>>19967771
>>19967780
It’s very expensive and there’s a lot going on which requires a good amount of world building that looks very interesting. Reminds me of Stranger things with the kids having powers. The fights are cool and well written in that I can imagine the fight in my head and it’s pretty cool. It’s creative and unique and you should def keep writing it sounds very interesting. Although I will add it would be much easier to read if you eventually typed it up, maybe try using text to speech and editing a little with the key board?

>>19967823
>"Your cum? Gross! That's not even a real dare anyways. You can't even make enough of it to cover the surface of the pancake!"
>"Fine, we'll get all our friends to join in!"
>"No! You can't have different cum on the pancake! Cum doesn't all taste the same! You'll ruin it!"
>"Fine! Then just my cum then!"
>"You better have enough!

that makes no sense, first she complains he can't make enough,, then relents and allows him to cover it. Needs a line of compromise

https://pastebin.com/3AdH4kk9
I’m not sure if this comes off as too dark.

>>19967823
Her throat moved as the pieces slid down to her stomach.
"Yummy!" the girl said, licking her lips again.
"Yuck! You actually ate it! That's so gross!"
"Nope! It was super good! Told you pancakes taste good with anything!"
"I don't believe you! You're just saying that!"
"Nope!" the girl cut another piece of pancake drenched with a large glob of cum, "try it!"
"No way!"
"Nope, you're eating it!"

The girl kicked the chair of the boy and he instantly fell over. She pounced immediately on top of him pinning him down with her weight. The boy was frozen in fear staring at the grinning eyes of the girl. He started to panic as the cum covered pancake came closer to his lips. A drip of cum fell off the tip of the fork, landing directly on his eye.

"Open wide!"
"Ah!" It's in my eye!"

His screams were instantly muffled as the piece of cake was shoved into his mouth. The sweet taste of the pancake and the bitter taste of cum blended into a harmonious flavor that the boy never tasted in his life. He felt his mouth shut together pressed by the girl's hands. He had no choice but to swallow the cut given to him.

"See! I told you pancakes go with anything! Even your cum!" the girl proudly boasted, "it tastes so good you're even starting to cry!"

The boy's muffled voice were never heard as the girl's victorious laughter drowned out any praise or criticism the boy had. Defeated, he accepted the outcome, leaving the miasmatic aftertaste waft with every breath he took.

>>19967823
>You can't even make enough of it to cover the surface of the pancake!

Maybe I would change this to “you can’t even make enough of it to cover the whole pancake!” Or something but overall the dialogue has improved a lot also I am disgusted. This has to be a shit post. What is the point of this story? You achieved in getting a reaction out of me but at what cost?

>>19968064
The story is horror. Eliciting a response means the story was successful.

>>19965362
Fine

http://www.disintegrationsystem.blogspot.com

>>19967839
Thanks for the kind words. Yes, world building is something I have to set time aside for specifically, otherwise I'll get lost in my own plot points.