/lit/ - Literature

i've called for you in dreams,
hundreds of little dreams...

you grew and won't call for me anymore, but
I must ask, do I plague your night too?

Like a phantom, in the background of
Every surreal hallway, I must be there.

Like some pitiful, cowardly sadness
Filling up the air of unlit streets, I must be there.

Or just when it finds your nose,
Assaulting it with memories, I must be there...

you don't twist my stomach like you used to do,
it's been years, but I kept that shameful promise
Where I vowed to hurt as many lovers until you came back.

i funnel down
as hair in a drain
clogged, insane, changed.

watching over yr shoulder
like a shadow, quiet but felt.
I see the changes more clearly now
IN your face, I see the little pains
and the meaning of the silohoute shapes.
my care was invisible, all imagination.
it was all in thin air, never real,
never 'real'.
but i did imagine my hands behind yr hair
and my words in yr mouth
'so pretty, so gorgeous, like fire.'
i said it all,
be it in a dream
or a half drunken haze
i said it somewhere -

for you i would get down on my hands and knees,
for you make me sing jubilees
and for you i would drink the entire sea
because you opened my eyes to see.

i think about leaving
every minute of
every day.

i tend to want of nothing more
than to be FREE!
Free of lovers, and of all peoples.
Imagine, o imagine the strength of soul
To go at it all alone.
Yet, in any absence
I long for some embrace
through words
or chains.

>>19557240
OP you have to make it clear that rating is mandatory. Look at this fucking mess.

>>19557453
+1

>>19557246
There’s nothing ecstatic here, any technical complaints I could give aren’t of worth against the ecstasy problem, read more poetry you like and try to replicate the spark or perhaps reading machen’s hieroglyphs which explains how to produce ecstasy in literature would work, otherwise your work feels empty not that it is without emotion, but rather it is an empty emotion which does not allow us to partake of your being.

heterophenomenological

heterophenomenological
death harrows when psalms bellow lethargical
Heterophonological
drones of liturgical breaths barrel
astrally rapidly gallantly happily blindly,
mantras rabid each fragment and scrap lined
the mind with traps and stagnant vapid yantras,
each shine with scraps of abscent Sanskrit tantras
each key abundant each grab none when spent,
a repugnant redundancy dependent on transcendent aberrants of commandments
from men’s senseless endless restless headless
jealousy of the sublime trinity’s divine simplicity.

>>19557297
so far this one is my personal favorite, excellent tempo, not too wordy but not too simplistic. If I'm to give any criticism though, line 5 seems out of place to me, I feel the sudden change of that sense of grandeur to a relatively normal sentence to harsh and quick. overall though, 7.5/10

Sinews of my mind, sinews of my mind

My creation, suffrage unto this poignant one
The one who calls
The one who answers
So tread the path of murder must I

For salvation is not enough
As it grants him forgiveness
And death is not enough
For it bestows unto him release

Grinding nails, rape the martyr
Oil and blood, let the flame die
Pestilence infests he no smarter
So murder the thought, to save the lie

Now dredge these eyes
A cold, damp maw
Carve this soul hollow
O' Hollow, as the corvids caw;


Scream my name, know no treason
Scream my law, a dulcet cry
Scream my pain, a dying reason
Scream my flaw, to murder the lie.

I'm an unstable fag who sits and writes
writes and rewrites
worthless shite
waste another year
waste another day
pretend so desperately I'm not gay
4chan will hear it!
4chan will tell!
the greatest rhymes since satan fell!

I would rate, but this is all 0/10 garbage.

If you want constructive criticism maybe try to spend more then five seconds on composing your poems.

hog me up brother!
hog me up!
my belly's itchin' for some grub!
slap it down, I'll go to town
oink oink, pink becomes brown!
fellow channers,
fellow bros,
bohemian rhymers I do suppose!

heres another one fellow rhymesters!

I'm sad
It's bad
cry cry, cry cry
words sting
I sing
sigh sigh, sigh sigh

this ones for the learned fellows, so put your thinking caps on, verse veterans!

wherein with which waters went winter
christ reference
how holy hallowed himmler howzat
sanscrit
my intellect branches and burrows and goes and comes and seeks and finds and studies and teaches and breaks and mends and tends and beats
buddha

fully expired enchange now i had what i did here lying and taking for within me i saw great men pondering the forthright knowledge to go and of course to the sea watery world hissop and thyme thinking around corners when life greeded for nought

>>19557453
It’s not a mess to me. And I’m sure it’s not to others. Call it “string of poems” edition or something

The fury of ascent

Multitudinous tumult
tears through heavens highest vault
Bolting brain my own with chains
Linked by laughs from inmost veins,

Enlightening perpents toil through tightening serpent coils of frightening fervent foils by lightning currents royal,

Sabaoth your mouth of stars
Hushed and crushed by avatars
Armed with Rods that blot the odd
Chop the even leaving God,


Spare me Lord gracious the sign bare me throne stainless the spine pair me stone nameless the Ain, perichoresis Divine.

>>19558078
nonsense.
>>19558373
cool, powerful.
>>19558397
pretty cool.
>>19558487
strange.
>>19558516
decent.
>>19558561
nonsense.
>>19558841
AI generated.
>>19560435
cheesy.

>>19557297
This is legit

>>19561046
i pulled it from an earlier poem i wrote that went like this:

why, o why
did a million dreams
pass me by?
what sense was there
in us seeing eye to eye
or dreaming the same dreams
or loving the same leaves
or you sharing your body?
never i mind,
wasn't it just
a hazy night?
yet all when i wake
and all that i see
is your face,
your majesty
and i long for some embrace
through words,
chains
or idle time.

--

what do you think is better?

>>19561026
powerful poem, I'm actually shaking rn

these songs as my spaceship -- photos as fuel

I will arrange them in a perfect way --
One perfect way

You will see -- I scalped clouds for this,
Something, something

Look -- Look! in that moment did you see it --
you couldn't have not

I have moved a militia seventy-five paces into
the swampland of your heart.

We're a quarter
from conquer.

Lol i was trying to translate a poem not in english into english on google translate and there were laziness can never be healed haha ...

>>19558561
that last line is hilarious.
>>19560435
I really like this one. A nice glossolalial style, but I don't think the message is overpowered. Although perhaps the focus should be on the message first, but that's consequential. I think more texture is needed on
> Bolting brain my own with chains
Linked by laughs from inmost veins
because the 'ai' sound (brain/chains/veins) is overused here and I thought 'even leaving' was overuse of the 'ee' sound, I think varying the sound texture here would serve you better.

the run on lines are impressive >Enlightening perpents toil through tightening serpent coils of frightening fervent foils by lightning currents royal

>>19562551
piece of shit i fucking hate it

ex nihil
exalt us wicked yggdrasil
serpents sanctum
the salted windowsill.
tabula rasa
nihil fit.
it all seemed so foolish
before it became true.

staggering and wounded
still it comes
usurping all things.

disciples of the black sun
walking slender on the appetite-less mountain
fall upon the path of light
with withered hands blossoming
free from artifice.
children of hell
fall upon the path of roses
with black hands straining
free from the reigns of fate.

refracted waves from a dilapidated sun
masquerade beneath the red velvet scenery
emaciated glances like battle flies
open our secreted wounds to the stars.
under a pale imitation ceiling
the stately hands of fortune fly
into their earthly shells
to envy the crusading dusk
whatever comes.

and they consecrated only the beasts
who died with fury in their eyes
and gave thanks to those who gave us love
as our highest weapon.

and only the slaughterer hears the cry
of the black sheep sacrificed
in this effigy of night.

honor was a bowl, inside a bowl, overflowing.

wild beasts stampede across these infinite marble floors
and soon the last crust of the earth will be eaten up
when the last mote of ash feasts upon the corpse
of the final blossoming flower
to bear the weight of our sins.

the blood from my grinding hands
and marching feet.

tell me again how
it was all a dream.

as all the angels returned to their cages
and the serpent choked the apple down and suffocated.

>>19557240
She left, me hanging
Alone
By, the phone

>>19562729
>She left, me hanging
>Alone
>By, the phone
>Cord
>I called out
>she
>hung up

>>19557284
I feel the vibe.
Would be nice if you incorporated some rhyme.
>>19557267
I liked this one the best.

>>19562760
>>19562729
>Ignore this shit. I have taken concept and created product. I present to you a real poem.

I called out
But she hung up
That's what up

She left me hanging
Alone
By the phone
Cord

All because
The bitch was board
With me

>>19557240
Staring at my laptop,
So exhausting for me,
Doing this until three,
I just want it to stop.

Envy: my emotion,
For those who live simply,
With not technology,
In line with creation.

>>19557240
Bump the thread
Let the thread live!
The thread has been archived,
You cannot reply to this thread

>>19562870
Please neck yourself

Bump

good boi!
oh big strong boi!
you wanna fuk on me?
me fuk you real good
suck hard long time
cherish boy soooo handsum!

Bump

The acquisition of double digits is all I sought,
My lifes work,
Those sweet, sweet doubles.

>>19562333
good, i like the images
>>19562568
absolute nonsense.
>>19562729
not great, makes no sense.
>>19562870
pretty good.
>>19562883
very good!
>>19563006
good, relevant.
>>19563623
erotic but not in a good way, quite strange and oriental.
>>19564363
nice set up but fails to pack a punch.

we will bump
to get over
this slump.

>>19558078
>>19558072

He smacked the collective ass
Jiggle jiggle
Ooh stop that
Teehee!

Even when I feel good
Euphoric
The idea of death feels attractive

What is this desire to not exist
In the known sense

Maybe something forever inexplicable
Maybe just a state of insanity

Still
How sweet and warm
The conception

How enviable
To those fearful of mortality


(lol, suckers)

>>19557246
cool premise, we've all felt the "do you think about me too" nice turn at the end
>>19557267
insane har, nice
>>19557273
I don't like it
>>19557280
to see what anon
jubilee nice word
>>19557284
short and cryptic like my penis
>>19557297
VERY UNIVERSAL!
>>19558078
easy Pound
>>19558373
renaissance fanfic
>>19558397
lel
>>19561079
the fragments better than the whole of this one
>>19562333
made me actually see stuff, very nice
>>19562568
thesaurus poem

I've become misaligned with cousin nature
squirrels square up with me. side eye

I tired to save a caterpillar
it curled and choked in my hand

The earth grew pores today, this close to
swallowing me whole

If it weren't for the light posts I fashioned as boots beneath my feet
.
.
the day slogs.

I lost two games of basketball
My shot veered left. I did

And when time came to part with my one on one partner his hand jabbed into the air to cast me off

aggressive as squirrel stance.

today surprise was abundant
Kate the waiter coughed on my eggs

I sampled her saliva proudly
coffee cold as her interest

I'm learning tai chi
I don't like yoga
Is there room for a
squirrel-hated boy

i want to see them seething
the trannies in my class
the arthoes shaming mudsharks
the autists posting 'jaks

Carl Jung.
I want him
In my mouth.

>>19563047
Thanks.

>>19565118
that's brilliant, i must say. i feel like i relate to your writing and understand it in some way, nice.
>>19565242
/pol/
>>19565717
straightforward.

>>19564932
>to see what anon
to SEE!

I want to die in a war.
But make it quick and painless
So my visions of horror can fade
As quickly as they came.
So I won't roll around in the mud
Crying and yelling for Mom,
Or for Dad.
Not for my country
Or for honour
But so I can keep a delusion
Of dignity and pride
And not lose it here.

>>19558078
>hetero
anything but
>astrally rapidly gallantly happily blindly
glad you didnt listen to my advice about using imperfect rhymes back to back. this is awkward as fuck
>trinity’s divine simplicity
this poem could use some divine simplicity

>>19557240
Radiant, cool, crazy nightmares. Zen New jersey nowhere
How now, brown bureaucrats?

>>19567235
reminds me of jim morrison's poetry, not sure if you took inspiration from it.

>>19567319

slowly driving
nights still tight
are you there?
its been awhile

sun rising
never knew
its done

Grooves and smooth proud
Walls stand tall tightly compact
in a low field. Bleached white
like sandy coarse beaches, the
Tower gazes silently. A quiet
Protector lone, all remembered
cast down long ago. Melancholy
burrows underneath rough tired
skin, under a weeping star
and dark sky. A triumph
of lost times, with happiness
Trickled to other places. River
rush a cool blue sorrow down
antiquity. Alone lies
the field but with it's
pain.

Dark, black
lay on me a quiet
everlasting flame
to sit in sorrow
and pain's hope
till tomorrow

>>19564627
Good
>>19564834
Fine
>>19565118
Great

Can someone write me something that is in the category of a “form” poem for my creative writing class? I suck.

>>19567444
what do you want it to be about

>>19567354
last stanza i didn't vibe with but first four lines are so epic.
>>19567359
reflective, somber.
>>19567391
no comment.

heavy kitchen,
you changed so much
in just a day.
i miss the way you would smoulder.
deep ashes, burning coals,
lit room - the kitchen room,
the place i learned to cook food.
o, what a sorry fool
to miss and reminisce
about the heavy kitchen.

what am i
but a winter blue bloom
on evergreen acorns.
should i keep forgetting that i swore never to touch your hand again.

the travellers watch us play mental chess,
and they will get tired of the game
because its no fun
only pretending to play,

but when the snow falls slowly, gently, sadly across the land
you should know i will walk it with my damsal, hand in eachother's hand.

I’m not sure if these are responses to me. But these are great poems. What form are they in?

>>19567915
these are mine, and they aren't in response to you.
I really don't know what form they're in to be quite honest.
best of luck with your endeavors.

>>19565118
>aggressive as squirrel stance.
YES

The smell of liquor makes me puke,
not because i have drank but because i haven't drunk enough.
But in time, I will.

My present is self is bearing witness to the future Me,
And I'm disgusted by what I see.

Misery.
And cirrhosis.
Impending.
Approaching.

But i see the liquor and the reflection it casts gazes back at me.
And, defiantly i stare back. And forcefully i hold back
The bile,
The vile bile that swells up
Inside,
Deep inside of my core,
My rotten core
Yet to be

>>19568296
seems a bit on the nose and juvenile. the more i read the more i think "this kid should just drink the fucking liquor".

>>19568380
Eh, i agree and it is what it is.
Recently went to do a check-up to my abdominal zone and i presented a damaged liver.
But i will still drink that fucking liquor and it will be undoubtedly the death of me

>>19568434
sorry to hear, be safe.
polish the poem up a bit maybe? i dont want to preach tho, i just feel like the feeling was lost somewhere.

>>19568439
Thanks for the kind words. It's draft i suppose, spontaneous writing without much thought behind. Criticism is appreciated, not one to be offended by constructive observations of others

the steel is hurting my teeth.
i hate notching the bars,
they are too real.
o, devil,
to put me on this Earth,
curse you!

i must be stronger,
o well...
Prison Planet, Prison Planet
Let's have at it!

spud moment

What is a poem?
Just a bunch of fancy words?

Trying to get into poetry, but don’t know where to start.

>>19568722
Just write about ordinary things in an ordinary way using ordinary language

my first ever attempt at a poem roast me poetryfags

Der Schnee verhüllt, der Schnee vereinfacht
ein Sand aus Eis, der alles gleichmacht
Mooß aus Kristall, erobre sacht
du Sturm aus Weiß, Vasall der Eintracht

Man sieht in seiner Zeit nur Formen
die alles Viele an sich ziehen
zum Schweigen bringen alle Normen
und sich im Traum vom Ganz verlieren

Würdest du innehalten, dann
würd er auch dich nicht übergehen
deswegen bleibe dann und wann
stehen

The working man
No longer human

His life is for sale
And now up for grabs

He left behind
He left behind

Hectares of land
And his loyal band

Now he is a civil servant
And away from home

And sometimes he dreams
Of Dover's does

He must have forgotten
The age old adage

Nobility
Does not endure
Slavery

So when he dies
He will be buried

One hair below
Odysseus

>>19569190
second line of the second verse is a bit redundant

>>19568480
>distilled version

notching the bars
with my teeth

o devil
who put me on this earth

prison planet
lets have at it
>>19568296
too melodramatic, summed up by i drank too much
>>19567634
great
>of the game
>only
>slowly, gently,
>eachother's
superflous
>>19567595
good
>would smoulder.
could be just "smouldered"
>ashes, coals
could be ash and coal because theyre already plural
>just
>room - the
>o,
consider taking them out
>about
should be on the above line because it should be
(to miss+reminisce about) the heavy kitchen
instead of
(to miss+remisice) about the heavy kitchen, which is incorrect
>>19567444

444:
Can someone please
Help me write
Please can some one
help please

555:
I will help you
Help me help you
>>19567359
personification makes it feel less lonely. too conventional
>>19567354
agreed with the other one. first line could be driving slowly
>>19565717
great
>>19564834
could be reduced to last three lines. i dont like the word mortality
>>19564808
great
>>19563623
good
>>19562883
>Doing this
could be "this lasts"
>With not
should be "without"
>>19562870
>what
consider "what's", because there is a 's itch created by that's
>The bitch was board
should be seperated
the bitch
was board
to mirror the upper stanzas rhythm
>>19562333
checked. great last two stanzas, could be reduced to them. i dont like "one perfect way". cliched poemy repetition
>>19561079
flows well except for the last comma
>>19560435
good, tho weaker second half (3rd stanza)
>Bolting brain my own with chains
inexcusable anastrophe
>>19558841
>i saw great men pondering
too much like howl. alright otherwise
>>19558561
great
>>19558516
consider three crys and sighs
>>19558487
>I'll
>do
break the flow a little.
>becomes
maybe something with one syllable

>>19558397
to good a last line to be wasted on a meta poem
>>19557297
>Free of lovers, and of all peoples.
>Imagine, o imagine the strength of soul
i dont like the repetitions in these lines.
>>19557284
saved. great
>>19557280
why is the fourth because instead of for again?
>>19557273
yr and IN adds to it.
>silohoute shapes
silohuete already implies shape
if it was me doing it, id do it without the first two lines and without any repetition.
>>19557267
dont like the last line
>as
"like" suits it better for me
>>19568932
>Mooß aus Kristall, erobre sacht
missing a syllable. second stanza is abstract while the third seems more personal.
>>19569190
itd be better to have 4 syllables throughout
>His life is for sale
>And now up for grabs
his life, for sale
and up for grabs
>And his loyal band
his loyal band

and so on

>>19568932
You at least tried to make it rhyme instead of the non-effort garbage ITT but there is no rythmn at all in your Gedicht which really ruins it

If the whole world were like you and I
Of violence, none would ever die
There would be no need for locks on doors
No men'd be thieves, no women whores
We'd have the chair but no one to fry
If the whole world were like you and I
But imagine the tuneless choirs
And none able to put out fires
A world of us is a world of liars
A world without email repliers
And who would cook the meals worth eating?
And who'd install our central heating
Of cold and hunger we'd surely die
If the whole world were like you and I

Is this considered good poetry or do people suck Morrison off because he was the singer of the doors

>>19569318
war absicht; du hast aber recht, hört sich ein bisschen holprig an
der kontrast war ebenfalls absicht. Findest du ihn zu harsch?

>>19569319
thank you for the feeback; i partly modelled it after an excerpt of rilkes buch der stunden
something like

>Was willst du tun Gott, wenn ich sterbe
>Ich bin dein Krug, wenn ich zerscherbe
>Ich bin dein Trank, wenn ich verderbe
>Bin dein Gewand und dein Gewerbe
>Mit mir verlierst du deinen Sinn

where do you reckon my rhythm goes wrong/is missing entirely?

>>19562333
>>19565118
these two are mine
asking for detailed feedback will give in return <3

>>19557280
keep going
>>19562883
crap but you tried, and actually have something to say, read more poetry and then come back
>>19566675
>>19567595
rewrite it, and this time make it good, read more poetry
>>19569416
this is mine i came up with it in the shower this morning, it's kinda stupid, half-assed as usual, i'm trying to stay away from vulgar topics

if your effort hasn't been mentioned, it's because it's not poetry

>>19569416
ol clunky no rhythm having ass
simple ass premise face ass
renaissance cosplay boy pussy ass ass

When will we change?
It's OK to listen
It's okay to question our way of living
Racial inequality hides in plain sight
We breathe the same air, let's fight the same fight
Let's work together
Let's go the distance
Let's show compassion
Let's show persistence
We are in control of our own existence
Build or destroy, we all know the difference
We've waited patiently to have this conversation
We are no longer waiting
In the name of justice we raise our voices
We learn, we grow, we make our choices
Let's choose respect
Across the world the youth connect
A small change can have a huge effect
Let's excel together
We'll share this world forever
The path ahead is a long, winding course
In the race for equality, commitment is the driving force.

>>19569190
there's a point to be made here, i guess.
>>19569416
excellent
>>19569433
yeah his stuff is obviously poetry, and one of the better modern takes on the craft. he is not trying to replicate outdated language.
>>19569748
made me wince and cringe a little. you have made a point i guess.

>>19569812
that last one was very obvious bait; it continues to amaze me how many people continously fall for entry level shit like that

It's all there in the gospels, the Magdalene girl
Comes to pay her respects, but her mind is awhirl.
When she finds the tomb empty, the stone had been rolled,
Not a sign of a corpse in the dark and the cold.
When she reaches the door, sees an unholy sight,
There's this solitary figure in a halo of light.
He just carries on floating past Calvary Hill,
In an almighty hurry, aye but she might catch him still.

"Tell me where are ye going Lord, and why in such haste?"
"Now don't hinder me woman, I've no time to waste!
For they're launching a boat on the morrow at noon,
And I have to be there before daybreak.
Oh I canna be missing, the lads'll expect me,
Why else would the good Lord himself resurrect me?
For nothing will stop me, I have to prevail,
Through the teeth of this tempest, in the mouth of a gale,
May the angels protect me if all else should fail,
When the last ship sails."

Oh the roar of the chains and the cracking of timbers,
The noise at the end of the world in your ears,
As a mountain of steel makes its way to the sea,
And the last ship sails.

>>19569953
good for you. im not here to look for "bait" im just writing my thoughts as i read, stop being so childish.

>>19569953
>>19569812
>>19570000
it was actually Lewis Hamiltons instagram poem posted for purpose of baiting

bump

>>19564390
>>19569314
>>19569660
I appreciate the critique guys, will continue reading and writing poetry to hopefully improve my craft.

>>19571603
keep up the good work. dont become a slave to style, you see it here sometimes with some especially wordy and nonsensical language.
write from the heart, as you did. your style will develop. obviously read more, but thats not everything. live life, talk to other people - you will learn more from that than a book ever will be able to teach.
good luck.

If only I could take your hands
and reveal all my choked words...

Then maybe your pools of honey
will quench the fire burning
here in my heart.

I am trying to put my emotions down in written form like I am used to. I usually spend more time revisiting them, but I feel a creative urge to just write down... it's been a long time since I used English, please tell me what do you think.

buuuuuuump

>>19572696
a little messy, but some nice parts

o, to fade.
ode to fading:
you present so much
possibility.
communal wood doesn't appear from thin air,
it needs chopping
but the pain
of this life ripping away
may be too much to bare
but i don't think i can stay
here.

uncovered gifts beneath a christmas tree
that were never bought
but shone so bright, i know they donned quite nice
in your mind.
i want hell and high waters this xmas,
i want the face of the antichrist
on all television screens.

that should give me an excuse to get up and leave.

if this continues i can't be the man
that dawned in the mature dream
i had when i was just at the end of age seventeen.

a goofy, stuttering mess
and a self-rightous, functioning psychotic woman
scold me.
the first, is not aware of the irritation he brings
with his twitches and drool.
i would almost feel sorry if he wasn't such a fool.
but the woman, the other one i described
was confrontational, in a building so empty
she thought she was bigger because i am but a young man
of only twenty.

I read nothing but Science-Fiction,
I feel utterly ashamaed of my literary addiction.
but to philosophize, rhyme and chyme
would be an affliction
more close to size of what i wish to be
or rather, what i see of myself
in my mind.

i was ready to bleed myself dry for you.
i miss you so god damned much
it drives me insane.

seven years after, i remember i would have skinned myself for you

.
i miss you so, so much


it drives me insane.

the dog put my ankle in a death grip
asking, please, to be smote, snuffed, stomped
out, without a whimper, "kill me," in it' eyes.

I cried and was only briefly self conscious before
committing fully to sadness, overwrought phrases and all, silence with those I knew would be unbothered

coming to the conclusion that, "It is not my dog, I cannot end it" I gathered my mess and bounded piteously down halls toward my adopted room, my womb brother waiting under covers to ignore me

As I passed once inhabited spaces I opened myself, mute as I was, to the conversations of others. They all seemed to concern me. "The dog has become a monkey." This was not a positive evolution

Brother was playing video games when I arrived, reciting monotone to himself a speech from Shakespeare, and my color moodringed into warmer territory, my greeting ignored, but sincere

As I pivoted to return to the remainder of my mess I was reminded of the few hours that preceded this tragedy. Their fluidity. My droll belief that from then on things would be water and we would be impenetrable against delirium's scorch or earths doldrum

Water and air are the substance of dreams seconds before steam descends
shrouding
everything

>>19557240
Where lies the strangling fruit that came from the hand of the sinner I shall bring forth the seeds of the dead to share with the worms that gather in the darkness and surround the world with the power of their lives while from the dim lit halls of other places forms that never were and never could be writhe for the impatience of the few who never saw what could have been. In the black water with the sun shining at midnight, those fruit shall come ripe and in the darkness of that which is golden shall split open to reveal the revelation of the fatal softness in the earth. The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear, but whether it decays under the earth or above on green fields, or out to sea or in the very air, all shall come to revelation, and to revel, in the knowledge of the strangling fruit—and the hand of the sinner shall rejoice, for there is no sin in shadow or in light that the seeds of the dead cannot forgive. And there shall be in the planting in the shadows a grace and a mercy from which shall blossom dark flowers, and their teeth shall devour and sustain and herald the passing of an age. That which dies shall still know life in death for all that decays is not forgotten and reanimated it shall walk the world in the bliss of not-knowing. And then there shall be a fire that knows the naming of you, and in the presence of the strangling fruit, its dark flame shall acquire every part of you that remains.

>>19573532
excellent. are you squirrel guy? similar styles and i love your attraction to the animal world. again, i feel drawn to your writing and feelings.

>>19573543
im not reading that. please, this is a poetry thread.

>inb4 who's posting prose
the dog put my ankle in a death grip
asking, please, to be smote, snuffed, stomped
out, without a whimper, “kill me,” in it’ eyes.

I cried and was only briefly self conscious before
committing fully to sadness, overwrought phrases and all,
silence with those I knew would be unphased

coming to the conclusion that, “It is not my dog, I cannot end it”
I gathered my mess and bounded piteously down halls toward my
adopted room, my womb brother waiting under covers to ignore me

As I passed once inhabited spaces I opened myself, mute as I was,
to the conversations of others. They all seemed to concern me.
“The dog has become a monkey.” This was no positive evolution

Brother was playing video games when I arrived
reciting monotone to himself a speech from Shakespeare
my color moodringed into warmer territory
my greeting ignored but sincere

As I pivoted to return to the remainder of my mess I was reminded of the
ew hours that preceded this tragedy. Their fluidity. My droll belief that from
then on things would be water and we would be impenetrable against
delirium’s scorch or earths doldrum

Water and air are the substance of dreams seconds before steam descends
shrouding
everything

>>19573544
Yeah I'm squirrel guy, wow thank you friend

today i woke in cess, cess that i am starting to get ridiculously used to. i stuff clothes away to display tidiness to my mother.
rise, check the laptop. i don't check my phone anymore. its busted because of how many times i dropped it.
brother is still in bed, across from me. he should be in school. its 12 oclock (per my laptop).
"aren't you supposed to be in school?"
were the first words from my mouth.

"no, i have a headache"
"are you sick?"
"not really"

fair enough.
he rises quickly since I am awake because he wants dibs on the xbox,
i wasn't going to play it anyways.
i had no breakfast, really.
i ate dark chocolate while watching old political clips from 2009 and an interview with travis scott.
oh shit, interview.
5pm.
i have butterflies in my stomach but i've done this a hundred times before.

i sit in bed, still having not eaten. i shower at some point.
was supposed to leave at 3:30
i leave at 4:00.
don't get the bus til 4:20 because i had a cigarette
and tried taking a picture of the winter sunset on my busted phone.

the bus gets stuck in traffic.
i will be late if stay on this bus.
i get off the bus and order a taxi from my phone.
me and the taxi driver don't talk today.

i get out of the taxi at 5:10
i manage to play "i kissed a girl" by katy perry on my phone through my sister's headphones
since mine are busted
i play this song because it played in the taxi
and was stuck in my head.

i do the interview. journalism. great. 31 minutes of footage to send off to be edited. deadline is jan 31st. we are ahead of schedule.
i sit in the library for a few minutes shortly after to export the file.

my stomach, holy fuck. i am so hungry.
i get fried chicken.

i make my way home, listening to the smiths now.
i feel amazing.

back at home
later that evening,
feeling like death
feeling like i am on a prison planet
feeling like i am trapped
feeling suicidal
feeling unworthy
feeling helpless
feeling disgusting.

i play halo infinite, and i play fairly well.

It was foretold,
It was foreseen,
For a cup of gin,
A soul was sold.

It did not gleam,
It did not glow,
It did not grow
Into a dream.

I lost what was not to be lost
And drank what was not to be drunk.
God made the sea; but at what cost?
I have drowned before the ship sunk.

Lamb and carrot
And onion to float
I take a chance
And leave her a note
The woman down stairs
Old and alone
“Would you like to come up,
And chew on the bone”

>>19573808
You tol' me my clothes
Be too baggy n shit
I'd give you the prose
But my poetry hit
I called ya bitch up
N she chewed on my bone
I came in yo cup
And it hardened to stone
i grabbed it n' bludgeon'd
Yo faggety ass,
Yo dipshit curmudgeon-
Ly shit's in the past

>>19569433
It's decent, better than your average Beat contemporary anyhow.

I am not a cocoon
I am a frog immune
to a princess’s kiss

>poetry thread
>is actually just abunch of yokels posting their vers libre wailings

>>19574708
Learning how to write with iambs is too hard!

>>19574708
I know rhythm and meter better than anyone, it's a Gypsy thing.

>>19557246
What the foreskin is to the turtle the iguana is to the labia.

>>19573644
It’s so honest and deprived I would’ve liked it in prose & without the ‘feeling’ excursion at the end - but maybe it can be excused cos you are listening to the smiths

>>19574870
play me some gitane frater

I care little about the significance of a white rose
Hand me felt petals and I’ll peel you a thing better dead
I tear delicates
Tidbits —trifles
Like a depraved child I shitpiss as if handled by god freely, necessary.

Once, rudely and without consent
Five fingers plunged into the
portrait corners of my face
and viscously, with every attribute of goo
ripped from me my froth layer
the languid exterior,
suctioned hat took twenty years to cultivate

The quintet keeps me here

I was shaken for my lightness
Frail things will be shaken in return

>>19569314
>>what
>consider "what's", because there is a 's itch created by that's
>>The bitch was board
>should be seperated
>the bitch
>was board
>to mirror the upper stanzas rhythm
took your advice. Thanks.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP NIGGER" Yelled tigger.
I was an avid winnie the pooh watcher, but this line, this shouting was more then i could muster.
Piglet grew a stache then, back in nam with the troops, he tells stories of homosexuals and making love in groups.
I was only but a teenager when i watched this on tv, could not seem to recall this profanity and crass brutality.

It used to be a quaint show, for people of all ages, now an action packed clusterfuck, meant to shock and cause rages.

And owl that little fucker, now a tall and sexy dragqueen, his gender bending lifestyle apealling to the modern teen.

Pooh himself an enlightened guy, now a lonesome incel, freaking out at just the sight of lovers on the stairwell. Living in his room planning revolution, every man assigned a wife by the local institution, and if one day sex is refused, oh yes little pooh wants the woman abused.

What have i become, im 24 years old, sitting in my room waching pooh and getting bald. The world outside is crumbling, i seet it from my window, and i too am tumbling, into my darkes shadow

>>19574870
Wrong trip Anon, try again.

You’re free to be and free to go
Yes, streets at night and winter’s snow
And every breath that’s breathing true
Is step towards a better (you)

You say I lie, my wishful thought
Is nothing but a beggar's lot
But nyigga, pls, why bitter be?
Enrol right now.. L'Académie:

Forget the past as Neetch did teach
Become unknown as ditch is real
We’re here forever, don’t you know?
Connect to it, fear not the low

The Low, the Hight — yes, I believe
They touch and cross in the surreal
They sex so straight.. you’re gonna heal
Bro, do trust me and you will feel

How ill that weighted on your soul
Will fall like dried up dirt from heels
And that which was as black as coal
Will shine bright light losing the seals.

>>19557240
Are foreign language poems allowed too, if I provide a translation?

>>19575627
yes

>>19575340
shut the fuck up fake frater

I never post my poems online because I've deluded myself into believing that some of them are truly great and am paranoid that someone will steal them and claim ownership of them.

>>19572696
I have decided to rewrite it as what I posted was just something I jotted down at half midnight. I am planning to post the new versions of this poem if I make new ones.

If only I could take your hands
and reveal my choked up words...

To be sincere
before time tear us apart;

At least to you,
to open up my heart...

Then maybe I would be free
from this looming sense
of cronical dissatisfaction
and well-timed delusions...!

If only I could be free
because you too know at last;
because this secret
is now shared between the two of us.

>>19572828
thank you very much anon.

I on 4channel
I who pour scorn on poor mammals
You old corpse, you worn flannel
Nude snow forts adorned animal
I, applying blowtorch to the other side of your door handle
This is totally rando, well sort of, but it rhymes and there’s some meaning somewhere. Rando rando bo bando banaba fana fo fando me my mo mando Rando.
Have you ever held a chocolate cosmos?
Have you ever even beheld a chocolate cosmos?
That rare blossom, it has often
Been claimed that it is extinct in the wild
However it is “quite abundant” in Mexico

>>19557246
The last half? Kill it with fire but the first part was great.

a poem from my penis

his deathly grip
and rough skin
snuff my soul out
like some whore's discarded kin.
and i'm left twitching
and aching
begging to rest
while his lust remains
unfading.

i've called for you in dreams,
hundreds of little dreams...

you grew and won't call for me anymore, but
I must ask, do I plague your night too?

Like a phantom, in the background of
Every surreal hallway, I must be there.


>>19577876
i agree with you. thanks

silently i read by the golden glow of the christmas tree
walt whitman.

>>19569959
strong imagery and steady reverse dactyl. but who the hell are 'they'?

I got a challenge for everyone:
Try to write a poem that is at least mostly in Iambic meter (I suggest pentameter). Try to exceed at least 5 lines and see how you do. Maybe you might find it more rewarding than the constant pouring of free verse we see in these threads.

>>19578169
Sure
Here's my little Shakespearian sonnet about snow that I wrote yesterday

O winter sky so soon bereft of light:
Roll out your woolen carpet for our walks
If you would be so kind to sew delight
Among our walking kind! I know, he blocks
Your art whose sparkle he, with light, avails
If, lighting it, he burns its wax with heat;
But try, if Boreas’ breath prevails
To spindle your soft snow-white woolen sheet
And send it down to blanket cold-hard Earth.
The barren trees, amid green shrubs and grass
Present our wind-bit eyes with some strange dearth
When we, with them, drink long from Winter’s glass.
But if the scene had one big blanket spun,
The browns and greens would sparkle all as one.

Who am i but a black jacketed, thin stunted man
That walks the deck old wood
of Dublin streets?
Washed up on the Bray shores,
I, continental and covered in blood
Discovered an old, outdated and hardened curse:
Names, names, names.
Like all things, susceptible to growing old
As a tree trunk turned to ash grey,
Or a cigarette stub 'bout to be thrown away!

I am but myself.

whistling in the distance,
i hear you approach.
i do know who you are, and i do interest myself in who you are
but you ask me who am i, and i understand your inquiry.
I say
"I am nobody but Thomas. I knew an older man who went about in my skin,
but i boiled him, and threw what was left of him out in the bin."
you would smile, nod,
"Thomas, nice to meet you."

We will gaze into each other's eyes.

>>19578169
Free verse is lame-ass shit for fags
Who don't put effort in
A poem with no structure drags
And never seems to end

ah, walt whitman, your words kept me up all night.
i was in bed and counted the hours i would have had to rest my head.
it wasn't a lot, or enough: would i sleep or mull over your kosmic words?
i chose to write for you instead.

https://discord.gg/zB3tZhSa

Join the poetry discord

>>19579194
psyop

>>19578169
Except for line 9, which was on purpose

>>19579242
And here's one from the same series, but in the only-looks-like-a-sonnet-if-you-squint format that I wrote most of the rest in.

>>19578680
One of the few times I feel like more exclamation marks would improve it, to really bring out the indignant tone that the piece already has.
>Names, names, names!
>I am but myself!
Or maybe that's too much.

Hustle bustle
Gorged muscles muddle
Through fro heave ho
Below earthen dough
Arms thrown mouths moan
Eyes hone gongs groan
Axe crash rock smash
Rash bash skull gash
Dead Ned broke head
Arms drop mouth flop
Eyes red gongs groan
Hustle bustle
Hustle bustle

Button slam thrice and eye a highway.
Still waiting, tapping, what do you say?
Metallic boxes above or below, faint light from either.
Splotched windows, crusty, faded - glow expired.
Welcome to our lovely asphalt bay.

With every picosecond I become less of the animal that therefore I ain't,
With every reloaded weapon a phantom limb enforces a saint,
They're shedding the old skeleton, cheap panels where he poured paint,
It’s a season for assassins, debauchery and blizzards,
There are reasons for these actions, they’re not just off to see the wizard,
A gangster elegance, which, with a snap of its fingers, can make a ‘problem’ disappear,
Chatelet said it, and with a great last gasp of honesty killed his fear,
Reborn under an unlucky star? No, it was fashioned so with hands,
With hands, and plans and machinations
and drunken rulings,
A man, a man, a man,
and that becomes their undoing,
It’s a season for assassins, that much I know, you see, it’s cyclical,
There are reasons for these actions, even if they are instinctual,
Oh those were twilight times, we grew up in

dumb question, but can I post rap lyrics here? After watching a musical I waned to try writing a song for one of my characters and right this moment this is the only writing place to go on /lit/

>>19579859
Those have popped up every once in a while in crit threads

>>19557240
You left
That's not fine
Wish you were mine
Still
>>19562729
>>19562760
>>19562870
me

that was such a dream!

i lived happily on the farm
and checked your forehead because you said you were ill, and had a fever.
your head wasn't too cold.
you were hungover, but i took care of you,
mystic woman.
this is the second time you visited my dreams
but i still own my face,
a face you have never seen.

>>19580744
i see what you are trying to say; however, you are not ready for free verse yet. You have to master the traditional forms before attempting to break free of them. Free jazz isnt something a dilletant can do.

Current version feels raw and ugly; request for help

I found the dark blue forest
And bloody flowers within
I watch as their color grows brighter
And we are the cause of it
This can only mean one thing
What a wonderful world

>>19581506
>I found the dark blue forest
*green of course dammit

>>19575026
I have trouble with the opening line, it just sounds clunky and ridiculous compared to the rest of the poem (which I think is great). interesting imagery and some good lines in there as well. Keep going.

>>19575632
Better late than never:
Spührt ihr es? Do you sense it?
Spührt ihr es in der Luft? Do you sense it in the air?
Riecht ihr es? Do you smell it?
Riecht ihr den Duft? Do you smell the fragrance?
Seht ihr es? Do you see it?
Wie aus einer Gruft. Like from a crypt.

Es wird des Feindes Blute regnen, It will rain the enemie's blood,
in scharlach unsere Häupter segnen, in crimson bless our heads,
wenn sie uns auf dem Streitfeld begegnen. when they meet us upon the battlefield.

Fühlt ihr es? Do you feel it?
Fühlt ihr das innige Brennen? Do you feel the burning within?
Blickt ihr sie? Do you see them?
Blickt ihr sie flennen? Do you see them crying?
Angespannt die Muskeln, Tensed the muscles,
Zeit zu rennen. time to run.

Zeit für euer Volk zu streiten, Time to fight for your people,
mit Wut in die Schlacht zu reiten, to ride into battle with fury,
Valkyren euch nach Walhall begleiten. Valkyries accompany you to valhalla.

Schmeckt ihr sie? Do you taste it?
Schmeckt ihr die rote Schank? Do you taste the red drink?
Wittert ihr ihn? Wittert ihr den eisernen Stank? Do you smell it? Do you smell the iron stink?
Merkt ihr es? Do you notice it?
Die Nation ist krank. The nation is sick.

Wir müssen die Verräter töten, We must slay the traitors,
mit ihrem Blut den Boden röten, with their blood redden the ground,
befreit euch von allen Nöten. Free yourselves of all needs.

>>19582115
(english isn't my first language and I am not that good at it, but I tried to translate it and write it out as correctly as I can.)
Translation:
Do you sense it?
Do you sense it in the air?
Do you smell it?
Do you smell the fragrance?
Do you see it?
Like from a crypt.

It will rain the enemie's blood,
in crimson bless our heads,
when they meet us upon the battlefield.

Do you feel it?
Do you feel the burning within?
Do you see them?
Do you see them crying?
Tensed the muscles,
time to run.

Time to fight for your people,
to ride into battle with fury,
Valkyries accompany you to valhalla.

Do you taste it?
Do you taste the red drink?
Do you smell it? Do you smell the iron stink?
Do you notice it?
The nation is sick.

We must slay the traitors,
with their blood redden the ground,
Free yourselves of all needs.

>>19582130
>>19582115
Damn it, I borked the formatting, sorry guys.

Lenin wasn't a leninist
Stalin wasn't a stalinist
Mao wasn't a maoist
Nobody was anything at all.

>>19583375
hitler wasnt a hitlerist

>>19557240
is there any significance to the image used in these poetry threads? it seems like its always the same one

>>19584061
its just tradition, really. i start these threads evert now and then and just use this picture because everybody else does. sometimes there is a different one used. depends on OP

Ringing
In my ears,
Humming
In my fears.

Grinding
My gears.
Bothering
My peers.

Hearing
Only jeers,
Missing
Only cheers.

Downing
Some beers.
Drowning
Some tears.

i fell into someone else's sleep last night:
a pit of hounds
all barking so viciously
and so loud.
i fell into that den
in somebody else's pillow-less bed
to the noise of snapping hounds
all barking so viciously,
so loud.

what a bother it is to me
what a blight that i can't see
to enter the lion's den
the furnace burns and the pain is distant
and i wonder
are you maddened or evil?
have i upset you?
do you find pleasure in suffering?
there is something sweet about it
if i am to understand
to see a man overwhelmed by hurt
rawer than conception
blinded by torture
a state of being free from the damnation of choice
the botheration of decision annexed leaving merely what is
the innermost reaches of who you are crying out before you can stop them
a place before thought?
the darkest symphony of God taken over.
what agony has been endured?
what recourse might there be?
the skin is burning off my body
but i have my solace
my never-ending hope
a light within the darkness
a gift to me from worlds unseen
an unfailable cope

>>19581506
Decent enough but a bit choppy.
>>19582115
>>19582130
I like the first 6 lines the most, the rest takes away. it should just be 6 lines long.
>>19583375
what?
>>19584445
seems a bit undercooked.
>>19584604
the tone is desperate.

>>19584658
>the tone is desperate.

thanks for this you are right. it's like a lamentation [rayer you find in the bible in my opinion, a man without hope who still clings to the idea of God.

>>19569634
i dont think you need detailed feedback, i fear it discredits a lot of good work.
There's nothing more frustrating than a 1000 word reply ripping apart your poem until it isn't recognisable.
Your poetry is great, i don't really know what else to say.
My only feedback is to write more, and keep it up. I am quite jealous of your ability to transform thought and feeling into words.

>>19565118
the formatting is janky, the poem is directionless, and you're trying too hard to be weird. this vagueness is a crutch, try writing something literal, something you can feel, that isn't just like a wisp of flowery midwittery tossed out on a whim, reply it to this post and ill rate that too. your strength is lightness of the vibe, it's like how women aren't as blunt in their enunciation, but you kind of ruin it by bringing up basketball, be careful with your vibe.

>>19584686
no problem.

>>19584765
God awful take. he who has ears shall hear.

weight off my shoulders,
the hate i had for you
just floats away,
away, away.
your love comes in the depths of winter (deepest depths)
and in the blistering summer sun.

i stay'd 'til morning sun rose
along with singing birds
while stars dissapeared
into the blu.

>>19585254
Mmm very sweet

CLINK! CLANK! CLONK!
Ticking goes the bomb
It pounds! pounds! pounds!
Until it can't no more...
It was hidden...
Until it was not!

(Can you hear it?)
I cannot...
(Could you have heard it?)
I couldn't...
I'm deaf...
But not anymore!

Ecoes and reverberations,
Sounds of yore...
Woes and lamentations,
Sounds of the past
That heard my inner core!
'Twas a blast!

But that was before...

>>19585273
nice as it was
i escaped my seat
at the cusp of the world,
I’m falling now, endlessly

>>19585328
thanks for that addition. kicking myself because of the typo in my OP.

>>19557267
the "as" and "insane" ruin it, remove "as" and substitute "insane" with something else

>>19585302
tryhard vibes idk im not tryna put you down but seems like you squeezed your brain tryna make this and the reader can feel the stress, not in a good or deliberate way, but ah "this is a strain to read" way. sorry i hate commenting shit like this

>>19585350
i funnel down
like hair through a drain
clogged, knotted and changed.

>>19585359
i meant you don't need a word in place of "as", in my opinion

i funnel down
hair through a drain
clogged, knotted, and changed

kosmic mystery rebirth rapt round my head
again.
these mystic periods come
and go,
usual for them to be inspired by
your mystic indian headdress
and your typical state of 'comin' and goin''.

>>19585363
thank. i dont really like this poem anyways but your advice made me like it a little better

walk in his shoes
the person that can be born out of you. we don't
know his name
we may never will, if you don't find the strength
WITHIN
to pull him out
THUS pulling a piece of yourself in the process. don't
fear, don't fret, the part of yourself you lose
will love you the best for it
if destruction, rebirth is indeed
what you choose.

how could i sail the seven seas,
how could i travel free america,
how could i fight for such freedom,
how could i, on the streets of Dublin, go anywhere,
how could i become a poet,
how could i become a statue,
how could i grow a beard like you
walt whitman?

>>19585352
It's true anon, i understand it, especially the last stanza. I had an idea at the start but no idea on how to finish so just squeezed something out.
Still, it's just an experiment and only writing can one try to find some at ease, losing the tenseness that you clearly found in the text.
Thank you for your criticism!

>>19585418
no problem thanks for your response. best wishes and i hope you post more

sleep begins with such resistance and scuffle
until defeat, white flag,
sweet surrender.

>>19585359
Please ignore their feedback as and insane made the poem imo

>>19585372
good to hear

when I was in a hospital
I thought about having a bookshelf
a place for my books
in the place for myself

I have a place
I have for two years now
but still not a bookshelf
no place for my books now

the next time I'm in hospital
I'll remember that I want a bookshelf

ramming raw ramen
down the drain,
cockroaches cook it
and share it with mice.

unwittingly open the faucet,
water pours down the pipe.
the mice take a swig
and so do their lice.

the cockroaches have no lice
but they have eggs, by the thousand.
i don't think they drink...
but i've never seen an egg drink too.

short one for today

-

You're telling me off
for eating tree bark? It's winter,
isn't it? I won't hear a word about
the poor tree. We're animals and this is
what we do.

Just because I’m not a deer doesn’t mean
I can’t press my delicate snout
to the tip of the tree. I’m hungry and
god, this is all I have left.

>>19586026

I’m hungry and god, this is all I have left.
bingeing shit telly, bingeing bark, belly full of rough things

You used to sing to me on the way home from football, parked in the car.
The car with the engine that never started first try.
The car that smelled like my boots.
I don't remember the words that you sung, but I remember the meaning,
what they meant to me, your son.
The cold nights, flood lights, chest tight, but not from the drills.
I sit in the passenger seat and listen, only listen.
And you probably told me this time is precious,
and you probably took my hand,
and then you sung to me, the songs that you wrote.
Man of no time. You gave it up, gave it all.
It took me fifteen years to realise,
the football was only a disguise,
so that father could see son a few hours more.

I don't really know how to write poetry, but I tried a bit this year. I would appreciate advice, or even where to start.

>>19585566
cool thanks. i have both versions saved anyways :)

>>19586618
pretty good, ill give a little more detailed tidbits.
>what they meant to me, your son.
We already know you are the son based on your imagery, take this out.

Otherwise, excellent work. brought a tear to my eye frankly.

>A Friend was Diagnosed with Testicular Cancer

I’ve known him from birth

and though the divorce was hard,

he took it as a means to change his life.

I went to his house to give some comfort,

and when the sun rose to ruin our drinking,

I embraced him, then headed for the exit.
“You know” he snarled

“It’s so fitting that after all these years

of waiting for happiness to finally come to me

then giving up and creating it myself:

dieting; exercising; looking in the mirror for once

and not turning away in shame

after decades

at the pinnacle of my new self

I’m drug back fucking down.

Can’t have satisfaction for too long.

Heaven can’t begin to compete

with happiness in the mortal realm

so God rains down his graciousness.

That way, Man knows the reward for loyalty

and doesn’t fester in a false paradise.
That fucking bitch moved on.

Why am I not happy for her throwing me away

to reach for that small bit of pleasure as well?

Because now what do I do?

Ask someone to be with me for a year,

ride through all the treatments,

and all my anguish,

and all my humble pie

then watch me fucking die

just so I won’t be alone?

I can’t do that.

That’s what all my good deeds amount to:

dying alone.”

He’s on the edge of tears

but they never come.

I walk out for the last time.

My mother did me a massive favour over summer by driving me to and from work all the time, and then when I was at uni, she was driving me multiple times a day, to and from the station and to and from work. Without her help, I wouldn't have been able to afford to live at university. I got her some flowers, and as I was om the way to give them to her, I thought to write her a poem, took me about an hour. Not satisfied, the rhyme is awkward, one line wholesale ripped off from Sonnet 18, but I'd like to see what anons think:

A flower's a poor present for my mum,
Which idle stands where caring work's to do,
And lethargic does soon to time succumb.
I, young, know little, but that her love's true.
A needy flower's fair demands a fare
And soon indignant dies when once unloved
My mother loves and cares without a care
Though often are her thoughtful favours snubbed.
No rose did yet uproot to sprout two legs
To drive me to work, train stations, and more,
Nor woke at seven to scramble my eggs;
But flowers I bring you (at good price), for
At possible cost to your mental health
Your loving favours have increased my wealth.

>>19585093
my take is more poetic than that poem, it's just pretentious pseud bait with no meaning whatsoever, it's like an addled laughing flower girl who got lost on the way to the wedding and is just aimlessly dropping rose petals in a forest 14000 miles away from where she needs to be.

>>19587509
i like this a lot, the meaning and the formatting especially and also the your oddly maudlin vibe and the way you speak, it's calming. I feel like this would have been good if you wrote it like the psalms, where david is praising God, but that's just me

>>19569416
one of the better ones in the thread, regal, for sure, and also not another cucumber water i'm a daughter floating light as a fart in the wind pseudery as it actually rhymes

>>19587931
>>19587993
bruh you write one

A whisper on the wind
Is a chance i couldnt take
A note she left for me
Is a love she couldnt fake
The dress she would have worn
The places we would go
The people we would meet
Now in them no love is to be found
I get this feeling when I see her
That feels like my life's purpose
This idea that it's not all for nothing
Where is that now?
And why do I forget?
If I could carve it in my chest
It would read
My ephemeral
Just one more night.

>>19565118
There is something distant about the world
A thing I have misplaced
A book I should have read
A place I should have been
And I dont mind

A feather falls
And a stone is upturned
A bird sings
A flower lies
The wind rebukes
And it's all the same to me

>>19588219
>>19565118
There is something distant about the world
A thing I have misplaced
A book I should have read
A place I should have been
And I dont mind

A feather falls
And a stone is upturned
A bird sings
A flower lies
The wind rebukes
And it's all the same to me

If i told you i loved you, would you believe me?

>>19588351
>>19588260
>>19584604

any man can provide a scalding critique of my shit? really tear it apart.

Walking through palisades, getaways
where dandelions flash formaldehyde.
Can't breathe in a maze
made of phantoms swirling tides
Of emotion, making bent moments
now torsion, only but abhorrent
When will you see the notes through the air?
The petals between, its flutters yet seen
You, too, can float gently
Sun rays pat you, do notice
Or take larva nested eyelids
and eggs in ears, my hopeless
to hatch with you sordid
for you've barred us lifeless peas.
It it is you that sees pallid
or makes tidy in medias res

Walking through palisades, getaways
where dandelions flash formaldehyde.
Can't breathe in a maze
made of phantoms swirling tides
Of emotion, making bent moments
now torsion, only but abhorrent
When will you see the notes through the air?
The petals between, its flutters yet seen
You, too, may float gently.

Must you take larva for eyelids
and eggs in ears, my hopeless
to hatch with you sordid
for you've barred us lifeless peas.
It is you that sees it pallid
or makes tidy in medias res

>>19588351
the writing is bland and milquetoast.

>>19588671
can you explain what milquetoast means with an analogy or something? I'm not understanding from google. I was tryna do the cucumber water thing from the poem I replied to, but it's harder than it seems.

bump

>>19586026
simple, nice imagery

-

Snow

Why does the Earth turn so slow?
Why do seasons change, where do they go?
Wherever it be, just let them know:
Winters were never the same since I lost my Snow

But they won't hear, they won't know
And to their will I must bow low
Words shall vainly escape my throat:
Winters were never the same since I lost my Snow

They will echo through air, they will echo and groan
Flying up high, themselves they'll show
To God and Heaven, they'll pray and moan:
Winters were never the same since I lost my Snow

No.19575120
^^^^^ heads up this exists please submit

>> 1957512 #

stroke >>19575120

>>19590835
I just dropped in two submissions. How's the response going?

>>19558561
i prefer to imagine the introductory sentence as part of the poem, i think it improves it

>>19590860
Might have to extend the deadlined
we're at 12

Post-waterm

Today my fish tried to kill me -
With spinning tails and scales with razor ends
The teaming buddies, a swarming school
I felt a fool to think them friends
A hysteria of thrashing pulled me under
Choking I splashed and dragged and kicked
But just open air could stop the slaughter -
they were only alive in the water

Jamboree of insects
clapping away the time;
a maggot named Tim
a beetle named Si
Jamboree of insects
on their merry way
to marry Tim and Si because
the insects all are gay

bump