/lit/ - Literature

>>1956935
>>1956935

Moments of dead air existed on conclusion of the pencil's seizure. A silent resolution came soon afterward, possibly brought on by the innate hope I had in my tracing hand for finally heralding this task of creating the woman. As simple as the realization was, my mind needed elaboration to establish the idea away from the immediate need to begin with the breasts – I would draw her fully from the pose of her hands.

Excited vigor drove my first stroke of the pencil, marking a fragile line in the openness that would become her limp floating hand. A smile that bore from my subconscious cheered on the importance of the hands, especially of a woman of the modern age, who was able to access her hands so vividly to the world. There lay certain motives to the way our hands trained - be it the beautiful caress by a mother cross her beaming child's cheek, the bloody and rotten palms of the side street whores, or, most gracefully, the glass fingers of society's everyday monarch. The fragile tips of her hands, undersexed outside the false reality of men, would be like single instruments of angels themselves. And yet, my mind lay empty in any method of posing them.

>>1956937
>>1956937

As with my origin for this piece, I held an immediate contemplation to do as sexual a pose as warranted by my own imagination. Thoughts did not fully process as valid for her, as there was surely something more worth giving to her perfection than just some half-witted mind output of prostitution. While, behind my own temptation of morphing her into a slave only to my sexual pleasure, there was a nag to feed some opposite agenda deep within me. Pencil still stuttering slightly at the end of the line, I pondered once more of the life blooming of out women on the streets, and the ones who sometimes would talk to me in my dreams, who were like her but queer in my utmost lack of will to draw them afterwards. I held such belief as, due to this, these women were not whom I really yearned to hold, but mere figments of the distorted concept that was her idolization to me. There was a fault to be avoided; and now it mounted frustration at my hand so violently the pencil began to seizure and my head sprung down a rain of sweat. I opened my lips which equally mumbled with my body and tried to word out personality traits to no avail:

"Pretty, joyful, content, nonono what is it you slob, you slob think! what does love want so badly, what, what, what, what..."

>>1956938
>>1956938

There was no sunlight to adorn the table as I crumbled, nor a fresh breeze gushing in from a window crack to chill the situation. There was not a window at all in the room I had enclosed myself in and with good merit; it drew me away from the bustle of truth that moved the lives of us along, with our ages and our loves, our sadness and happiness and obsessions. Held at bay in the confines of a personal makeshift prison, my love swirled heavily with the bouts of insanity. Though I held awareness of my prone ability to succumb to them, I almost craved the shrill feeling of melding together another lovely side of me. The static emotion I held in holding somebody in my arms, even when they were only imaginary, was grotesquely thrilling and this made me confused – for why was this?

>>1956940
>>1956940

The hand of mine which cradled the pencil went on with the sketching of her hands, left away from the bounds of my view when the deterioration of my mind stalled. It went about naturally posing her without worries of my outward pleasure towards her. Yet, the question remained to adjust her with excess as so fulfill her full purpose, being that she was the woman for all men to hold admiration to. It struck me as overtly complex what men held as a repressed yet necessary to their woman, to the woman I was encapsulating already within our heads. What did she hold behind the barren and cold physique of her acts that could also explain her tendencies to be, at times, a completely deviant of sexuality? I writhed as my mind crafted this rebellious cause to the empty hand, which throughout moved whimsically to my delusional confusion on the basic concept of her soul. And while my one hand did quiver, to the stopping of the pencil once more like an eye in the storm, it was clear to me in the subconscious pose I did draw.

In the image of her penciled clasped hands, resting empty in an entire vacuum of the white paper, the conception of her reasoning behind the pose rushed into me as a vision.

_____________________________

That's it. Then we go into memory sequence mode.

i'll read it after the GSL, guy

>>1956940
I like it a lot, I disliked the question you ended on but I would be interested to see where you go with this. I was initially a bit doubtful about your subject matter but you pulled it off pretty well. I like your prose a lot, it does occasionally become overly purple though, but on the whole it isn't. great job

>>1956954
I spoke prematurely but after reading that last part my view still remains the same. Also is this just going to be a short story?

>>1956960
>>1956960

It's my first gun-ho at a novel actually. I feel I can do it but I just need to stick to it.

I've always been so worried if you could do an entire novel in language like this, but I've learned that it's not really important. I have a story to tell and I want to tell it badly.

Could you quote the part you didn't like much? I'm not following exactly.

Hello good fellow OP,

Your style is very interesting, somewhat still stumbling to the difficulty of construction of artistic creation, but you undoubtly possess an esthetical inspiration to polish until excellence. You seem to be a hard worker, commited and devoted to your writing. The only critique I can form is that at some decisive points of the creation, you seem to draw back in fear of self-consciousness, I advise you to throw yourself at your unconscious needs, and not to bride them behind a normative force.

>>1956964
>The static emotion I held in holding somebody in my arms, even when they were only imaginary, was grotesquely thrilling and this made me confused – for why was this?
I think questions like this don't fit well in first person interior monologue, at least in that phrasing, it just sounds unnatural to me, as does

>"Pretty, joyful, content, nonono what is it you slob, you slob think! what does love want so badly, what, what, what, what..."

What role would this intro play if it's a novel? Do you mind saying what the 'best part' that you haven't reached yet is?

>>1956966
>>1956966

> you seem to draw back in fear of self-consciousness

Nail on the head.

I'll definitely be taking your advice in stride. I've got the heart, and now I'm feeling I've got the courage, I've just got to write without obligation to anyone.

Thank you, Anon.

>>1956966
>somewhat still stumbling to the difficulty of construction of artistic creation

Lol that is the purplest criticism I've ever seen, hold back a little will you?

>>1956970
>>1956970

I feel like I'm asking the reader these questions but I do see your point. From time to time, when I'm thinking to myself or whatever, I tend to talk and question aloud to myself. It's almost like I'm questioning the concept of things just so it can be answered - if the main character went directly into a tirade about something that is bothering or puzzling to him without giving an intro to it, it seems odd. Again, I see the problem - it's turning it into some rhetorical thing which is unintended.

The best part for me will be the dream/memory sequences. I love to use stream of consciousness, I love to play around with words and deterioration of the mind in relation to prose. It's like a playground of literature!

>>1956973
I got that you were asking the reader the question but that's what I meant by it not having a place in an interior monologue, if it were me, instead of asking a rhetorical question, I would just have the character state their ignorance of the matter.
I'd be interested to see that dream/memory sequence stuff, post it when you do it!

>>1956980
>>1956980

> I would just have the character state their ignorance of the matter.

Hmm, alright!

Sound advice! You've been of good help and I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far.

>>1956971
You are welcome, my friend.
I hope to read from you soon.

bump for morning /lit/erates

>>1957796
You like words. But you don't like clear and engaging stories.

>>1957807
>clear and engaging stories.

This is a personal thing. That's not a valid criticism.

>>1957807

Not OP, but why does everyone on /lit/ feel the need to talk in this pretentious bullshit put-me-in-a-quote-book way, dispensing their writing knowledge in book jacket form?

Just ease off with that shit, Hemmingway. You people are fucking exhausting.

>>1956935
Were you the guy that posted a paragraph from a story about a guy who has a dream about a woman? They style and content are pretty similar. If so, you've made an improve since then. Nice job

>>1957807
>>1957807

It's definitely not how I naturally go about things.

Bits of confusion or ponderous for the reader I find nice, especially in things I read - as for the "engaging" part, I think that's arguable. I may write myself out quite alot, I can admit to that, but I feel like my subject has some interest.

>>1957813
>>1957813

Yep, that was me!

I had decided to not hold myself back when writing which. While I tend to over-write, usually ends up less confusing and has more flow than when I edit myself as I write.

Thanks, anon!

>>1957812
There is no harm in using uncommon words or phrases, but they do sometimes denote a kind of pretentiousness that can get in the way of clarity. I woud be fine if OP were using such words or expressions, or sentence layouts, to help the reader accurately see the picture he's describing, but that's just not what happens here.

>>1957857
>>1957857

Could you cite some examples where you find this?

It'd be helpful.

>>1957862
Really, the whole text did that to me. The first sentence I forgave because, well, it is the first sentence. They always are difficult. But then: "A vast expanse of purgatory to draw into the desire of all men, to draw once more the only thing that my heart, trapped catatonic in the boundaries of my yearning to produce such a lovely drawing, lived to beat and stop for." I really dislike sentences which are unduly interrupted by commas. And the sentence itself kind of makes no sense.
>A vast expanse of purgatory to draw into the desire of all men
Okay, that I get, even if the Bible reference for a blank page is a bit overboard for my liking,
>to draw once more
Kinda contradicts the previous "ultimate",
>my heart, trapped catatonic
>lived to beat and stop for
It's a poorly constructed oxymoron. So much that I somehow doubt it was written like so on purpose. An oxymoron shouldn't make the reader go "Yeah, uh, it makes no sense." When somebody writes the cliché "deafening silence" I know what they are going for. Yours only adds confusion to your text.

>>1957904
>>1957904

That sentence is oddly long-winded, as I am seeing now that it has been pointed out.

Though, I'll comment on the "ultimate" thing as I was trying to explain that he had attempted to do this before (the main character, that is), but failed. There is always the POSSIBILITY to create the perfect woman on a sheet of paper, but he's doing it again because he feels like he's overcome past failures.

Though, if this was confusing you, it may need to re-worded. I shouldn't have to explain this.

>>1957926
Thing is, I think it mostly comes from the fact that you like to shuffle clauses around the commas, and even around the periods.

>>1957934
>>1957934

Habitual. It becomes more severe as I edit myself.

Would you suggest using this sparingly or does it have some taste in it?

>>1957954
It's generally no good (as per the translation dogma I strive to live by). But as usual in art, it's only a very loose rule. What I do personally is read texts out loud. Shit should flow like a diarrhea. The second sentence would have made you go "Huh, okay, there's something not right here" if only because of the very short last clause.

moar

I would give critique, but honestly I just want to read the whole thing first because I like it

>>1958124
>>1958124

I'm glad you got to catch the thread and I'm glad you're liking it cause you were a good motive of inspiration.

I'll be sure to have some upcoming stuff again soon.