/lit/ - Literature

On this icy and black board
A decked and checkered field
Ivory moves and moves forward
From world and worldly woes concealed

bump

>>19381294
>moves and moves
feels a bit repetitive, and takes away from the mood.

>>19381294
>>19382614
I think moves and moves is repetitive on purpose

>>19382644
Yeah but it feels like it doesn't fit there

Words
Can't describe
This poem

Penis
Shaped
Poem

My words,
can't describe-
this poem.

Penis
Shaped
Poem

>>19382743
that's a small penis

bump

>>19381293
Haikus too?

Memories appear
Intangible old visions
Not stolen but lost

Inspired by that thread on Tarot poems that pops up frequently.

XVI. THE TOWER OF GOD.

O Lord, whose might and wrath break men,
Whose righteous anger doth cast nations down,
O Lord, whose hand is a sword of steel,
Whose arm is like a spear of bronze,
Your gaze is lightning and thunder to the wicked.
Your enemies cower and flee from Your voice,
Which, like a trumpet, sounds from afar
And declares the judgment of evil at hand.

The heathen lies below, content in his house
Of vanity that rises high to the heavens.
His vault filled with sin, his heart full of pride,
He sleeps near the walls that stoutly protect him.
But what is this anthill, this mound of baked bricks
Before God, who pours out His anger on the world?
Behold, the walls of His foes will crumble.
Like a sheep in the night who is caught by the lion,
Like a tyrant whose killer lurks in the night,
The wicked will cry out in anguish, and fall.

>>19381293
She lie!

So?

Let it die!

And go.

>>19381294
There is no connection between each line.
They don't flow together very well.
The last line is good.
>>19382732
This is amazing. Simple but amusing and sort of profound.
>>19382743
No it is not.
>>19385504
meh.
>>19385890
LARP

>>19385973
>me
>>19381293
>make it better please. Thanks.

A sacrifice
That's faith
In what
Tell me
So I can see
The light
In the night

I try and write really simple, daily life, sort of stuff, and I was thinking, since I’ve got no real interest (or talent) for publishing, would anyone be interested in some blog or twitter account where I can just fire and forget the occasional poem?
Somewhere inside these woods I found
A boundary stone and an old wall,
Both cracked and by the weather ground
Then overgrown by a thick shawl.

Still, remnants are clearly there:
A claim was made, and stones were hauled,
Some raised above a stream with care –
Over a ditch large slates are sprawled.

The rest is kudzu, overgrown,
By a great blanket, out of sight.
And makes you think, they must have known
The risks, and gone ahead despite.

>>19386568

>>19383273
that's mine, I was waiting for more poetry to give feedback, so here we go
>>19385890
That's really, really heavy-handed, anon. I get that it's inspired by a tarot card but it's obvious and doesn't really do much for me. I think you can convey the wrath of god without using words like 'wicked', 'cower', 'tyrant', 'anguish', etc.
>>19385980
I would look into changing the last two lines because they're very overused and dissipate the energy of the poem harmlessly.
>>19386568
>I try and write really simple, daily life, sort of stuff
I have a question for you - why? The confessional poetry of our day already speaks of simple things in simple ways and we have a fuckton of that out there, so it's important to know why it matters to you, perhaps that will be the reason that separates you from the rest.
The poem itself is solid, well-constructed and I especially like the last quatrain, though I'm not entirely sure what the whole piece is trying to convey to me. Perhaps that even knowing that our efforts don't have a lasting effect on the world we should still go ahead and do what we think must be done?

>>19386635
>I have a question for you - why? The confessional poetry of our day already speaks of simple things in simple ways and we have a fuckton of that out there, so it's important to know why it matters to you, perhaps that will be the reason that separates you from the rest.
>The poem itself is solid, well-constructed and I especially like the last quatrain, though I'm not entirely sure what the whole piece is trying to convey to me. Perhaps that even knowing that our efforts don't have a lasting effect on the world we should still go ahead and do what we think must be done?


Well if poetry made nothing happen in Auden’s days, then it sure as hell does nothing today. No one reads you (well, no one read me), so writing as though I expect people to take notice seems like a terrible waste of time.

Also my heroes are not the Great or the Epic poets, but the small, casual, versifiers. Im happy to merely describe something – in this case a stone I found yesterday – and not in some confessional way, but just to record that it happened, and I was there.

Ido have some more serious work, but im not sure i want to post it here.

>>19385890
ah i did one of those also, for the lovers
in this thread OP asked for a sonnet

j

Doubt and passion falling away from them,
Matching covert stares, in that instant both
With simple faith in simple stratagem
Take timely courage to confirm an oath.
Cards spread face-upwards: her loves are his loves,
And his trust is her trust; else all were grief
And they, lost ciphers of the deck thereof
On a yellowing page, death overleaf.
Rumours of judgement growl across the air;
For annoyance, not shame, they let it growl
With no more terror than the creaking stair,
Or thunder, lightning, or the calling owl.
Her faithful-always and his always-dear
By cards prognosticated, fulfilled here.

>>19386718
I get what you mean about poetry not achieving much in terms of reaching or moving the masses.
I was wondering how bad of an idea it is to pos more serious work here, what are your concerns?

>>19386575
This is cool but I mean it's about a fucking wall man
>>19386777
Watch this https://youtu.be/S5SSHepoJBA
>>19383273
This is okay but too fantastical

Me, personally I haven't been able to write a decent poem in days. Kills me inside.

>>19386900
checked
It's about your mind and what happens to it when you never question your beliefs, in what manner is it too fantastical so I can make it more grounded?

>>19386926
It's fine as it is. Just cause I don't like it doesn't mean you have to change it. I didn't think of it symbolically. I guess you could say my critique was lazy.

>>19386933
checked once again
And based.

>>19386900
>Watch this
an american scanning w.s.
i'm all right thanks

>>19383273
Too rhetorical .

>>19387258
Elaborate

>>19387433
No

>>19387697
Fine

Bump

>>19386635
>I would look into changing the last two lines because they're very overused and dissipate the energy of the poem harmlessly.
Got any ideas?

>>19383273
I thought it was about climate change, but the title is confusing me. Regardless I liked it. I think your imagery is missing something, I'm not sure what, but I didn't get that visual feeling that I get from a good poem.

>>19389757
I like the beginning. Then the more the poem advance the more it shifts towards something we've all read before. I don't think the style is very consistent and while it may sometimes be a good think, it doesn't really work for me here.

>>19386575
quite nice

>>19383273
trite

>>19381293
Accepting Prayers
I saw hope in a dark and earthly place -
her tireless wings fanned the flames
of our hearts above our swampy lace.
I felt the moss among me reconnect
and the unreal bounty from an unrelenting
vision came into the maximum of life -
for all these half thoughg things were but
a dream from an empty and still broken
soul. I am birthed of flesh and a sinner
fed from what the devil had stole. I hate
not this life nor this dimension, but this
thing that lives in me which is all I can
ever know - and this mind is not even
me but a borrowed and usurous soul.

I went to where tombstones glowed
and I shed my pulseless blood on a
black and gnarled grimace. I looked up
at Christ my Lord and chuckled, "Behold,
I am now the enemy of all light, knowing
its glory but denying its power -
I am become a fully manmade sword."

The tranny
He destroyed his genitals
Yes
YES
He will never be a woman

>>19383273
Presumptuous, I think. One of those pieces waiting for a future that won't be.

>>19390490
I am the bone of my sword much?

You and I, we lay on the blue mattress
soaked in darkness and invisible dust
caught fire in the golden cone
of sunlight from the far window
And I said I felt lust
and you put my face to your breast
and in quiet darkness in the damp room
beside straw brooms I cried,
A lot.

I am the flaming sword
And the ice blue cavern.
I am that gray day in mid summer
And the clear blue sky after the typhoon.

I am a long forgotten memory
And I am your car keys.
I am all the boys you never kissed
And all the ones you broke up with.

I exist in days and months and years
And I am banished for eternity from time.
I am the boundary of outer space
And I am inside your own heart.

>>19381294

Sounds a bit like Fitzgerald's Rubaiyat:

'Tis all a Chequer-board of Nights and Days
Where Destiny with Men for Pieces plays:
Hither and thither moves, and mates, and slays,
And one by one back in the Closet lays.

But it's less clear what you're saying. Also your rhythm is awkward. "On this icy and black board" naturally throws the stress onto "and", where it doesn't belong. "On the black and icy board" sounds much more natural. If you're avoiding fluidity deliberately, it needs to be clearer WHY you're avoiding it deliberately.

>>19391875
Ugh sorry I just came here for validation because I'm struggling. I know it's good and sorry for dumping on the thread boys. Lmk if you want real feedback and I'll give it.

>>19381293
I live to
Spend
Time
Having sex
>>19385973
>>19385980
me

yin and yang
man and woman
yet men abandon women
why
adam and eve both sin
yet women bleed
why

luna
wolves come out once a month and i can't resist
the full moon shines bright in all its glory
my body convulses and everything goes black
i am cursed to bleed
blood is red and so are apples
why is eve more damned than adam?

>>19390490
Shallow life,
drowning alone,
as i gasp for air,
coldness creeps over pale skin,
there's darkness so deep,
it pulls me down,
happiness dies
in the deep dark sea.

i dreamed
a million dreams
on that couch;

everything is so sad
and beautiful.

everything is so sad
and beautiful.

dreamed i saw myself
with a beard and
long hair.
dreamed i saw myself
better
happier
more free,
eyes like beads
dreamt about everyone
who i done so wrong,
dreamt about you
and how love is indestructable,
dreamt about the other
women i see.
woke up and
thought nothing of it
woke up and went on
with things
as if everything i seen
was nothing more
than a dream.

i wonder
if i brushed off
on you.
was i just
a weak sliver
of wind
was i nothing
like the shine
of the moon
that i see
now, after you?
was i just
a shooting star
in your sky
so easily missed
or so small
and insignificant?
its okay.
i mean,
you have such big eyes
you have such a full mind
you understand the fleetingness of time.

everything is so sad
and beautiful
as rain on a window
or the getting dark
at twenty past four.
but like the dimly lit nights
we spent as one,
everything is so sad
and beautiful

>>19393174
>or the getting dark
>at twenty past four.
Everything is so sad... *bong rip*

>>19381293
Here’s one I wrote just today. It only displays as I intend on large paper or displays. It’s a bit rough but I’m proud of their. Not final version probably

Saqqara

The shining sands stretch forever and ever,
Across acres and aeons from Earth to nether
As silent stars shine alone in that archaic tomb,
Beaming beautiful and blue upon the kings room
That violet vast vaulted sky long before potter Khnum,
Manufactured much of mankind and their women on loom
That barren, brimming, bestial and bold, free mysterious space,
Still shines studded, sapphire, and silver, even far from that place
Upon the mountains, meadows, metropolis’, lake and ocean waters blue,
Enduring elevations to eternity the lights are, but as so can souls exist too?
Pharaohs, princes and printers, do their energies still sing and sigh within Amun,
Or do kas, cripple, crumble into ashes, no certainly this is not true because of the Moon
He presented to poet and painter, paints, pens, photographs, and keys, shells for thought and vision,
Golden and glorious gifts of guidance, so that Promethean minds were armed on the eternal mission
Tools that tether, tie, and twist time, sometimes something strange, a small whisper that allows me to know, Murky memories, maybe molded in a magazine, a message from Hathor you were in Western sands, centuries ago

I've been working on this one for past few hours and i feel quite good about it . I think i did a prette good job. Now is your turn to ruin that feeling.
M. Jastrun - Forefathers (Dziady) translated by anon

They return with furrowed foreheads,
with their teeth spit out onto the stars,
within their eyes chilly desert's scars.
Polar circle has bowed down their heads.
Seemingly those shepherds elderly,
are growing beards waist long and snow white.
They lost their previous speech and sight,
at time that had been previously.

Bread and vodka is now all they long,
hidden deep in corners of their rooms,
grinding on scraps with their toothless gums.
Their life was short, their history long.

>>19393061
sorry to say but it's pretty janky.
It's hard to read it out loud when verses this irregular. It does not roll of the tounge.
Count the syllables.

>>19381293
cooming in da toilet

yes
bitch,
yes

i coomed
in da toilet

again

>>19381294
5
>>19382732
6
>>19382743
0
>>19383273
6
>>19385890
2
>>19385973
7
>>19385980
lmao 2
>>19386568
2
>>19392528
3
>>19392861
9
>>19392865
4

>>19381293
>Beautiful Body, stunning features; Mere sight stuns, amazing creatures

Longing to meet,
a connection.
To join them,
single answer...
Objection.

They escape,
leaves rustle.
Leave me longing...
Leave me...
Leave me alone.

That beautiful body,
remains fantasy,
food for somebody...

Never me.
Never satisfactory.
Never enough.
Need more.
Need grows.
Never ends....


>>19393174
atmospheric
>>19394672
nice buildup, looking forward on improvements
>>19385980
short, could have been more lad...
>>19382732
avante-garde

I'm too tired to give constructive criticism but I'll be damned if I let this thread die now

>>19395478
>could have been more lad
Do you want more or is it just not enough? I dont know what I could add to it. Any ideas?

Poems are gay
I wish they
Would
Just
Go away

>>19395478
You may as well have just written "please dear god can I have even one single solitary crumb of pussy I beg you"

>>19397183
The pacing is a mess and I don't see what affect the line spacing serves here.

>>19395478
Not bad. Not much for the general reader to latch onto. A kind of desperate stalker / predator / prey type image is created. You might want to intersperse some more concrete imagery alongside the mostly ethereal descriptions you have given so far.

>>19395318
Needs more editing passes to correct the pacing and I would say line order, but since it is a translation I assume this is how it's meant to be. Rhyming heads with heads to begin the poem seems like an unforgivable sin to me. The sentences are also fairly unnatural sounding (is English your native language?) and should probably be condensed where possible.

>>19397313

I was the mountain.
Hewn from cliffs that fell
Into dark and trembling waters
Where was borne the graceless form that dwelt
Immortal burning ages silent
Witness to the rising flames.
And on the day of my creation
When light first broke across my unburdened frame
My master wept atop my guileless shoulders
And for the sin of being made of stone
I was repaid with ten thousand breakings
As my every vein was carved into its perfect shape.
A weightless veil over the virgin saint
That all would come to see and worship
So glorious and full of grace
My master had made me.
And I hated him
As he carved away every piece.
But truly I was his child
When all the other mountains fell.

>>19397333
Put some fucking punctuation. The poem is good but so many parts makes no sense. Regardless, pretty cool ending.
>>19397197
Too contemporary. Im so sick of this kind of poem, sorry anon, yours probably isn't bad. I just hate this kind of thing.
>>19395478
This is good but strong incel vibes anon.
>>19393174
This is pretty cool. Very atmospheric, should be longer.
>>19392865
Line breaks
Do not
Make a
good
Poem
Understand?

>OP

I went to a tree far into the wood
the same tree where once Eve and Adam stood,
And said to the black crusty bole
"O conjurer of that red poison globe,
What thou sayest to a trade, tell
me of all the things Adam and Eve felt
before thou trick'd them into sin
and secured thyself a catastrophic win
and I shalt tell thee, nay sing thee,
a song of myself to bringest thee glee,
that thou, admist these black spokes and mist
have forgotten, tales of misery and bliss!"

Whereupon the bole split in the middle
And came out a fiddler playing a fiddle
and he said with a lecherous smile
"I sing the world! Thou! Stay a while
And I shall recall memories of Gaia's past
that we, God and I, discussed over a repast.
"Birth of Zeus", he went on, "and Apollo
And Daphne and of the tree that became hollow
And of great Achilles and", he went on" but first
Thou sayest thou art a traveller, wherefore no thirst?"
I said then, "I am a traveller from an antique land,
And I saw two legs that killed all my glands!"

it's fickle,
so fickle.
fickle like
a flame.
'the undying heart'
on my sleeve
but not my face.
pale morning,
pale harvest
empty;
not abundant.
but the parish
is built on dirt
with concrete bricks
that are grey,
so pale.
i understand
that love
is just a drop
in a bucket.
that love is so
out of reach
so hard to grasp,
just a blip,
just a flash
but it swoons
like a dove
or angels
through a blu sky
so pretty
all so pretty
but just a flash.

the wind
was silver
the clouds
were close
and the things i saw
arose.

Bigger
Jigger
...
Rhyme
Postmodern
Genital
Sed
BLM
Thanks for the coal

i fall
to every soul.
i smile
in every smile.
what's yours,
is mine.
i fall
for every one
i see.

>>19381293
When walking through my city's center
Or strolling cross the yearly fair
No peaceful moment wants to greet me.
Niggers! Niggers, everywhere!
I go home and try to relax, turning on my TV.
But not a second to calm down
Cause on the cursed screen I see
A fat lipped ape talk ebonics
And acting all round niggerdly.
I scream and shout, throw the remote
At the projected beast.
But like lightning it hits me
I'll never be free.
Cause we live in a nigger society.

>>19397487
I'm >>19390490
This is really the only crafted poem so just will give some feedback.
>I went to a tree far into the wood
>the same tree where once Eve and Adam stood,
Remove the same tree
>And said to the black crusty bole
>"O conjurer of that red poison globe,
>What thou sayest to a trade, tell
Switch to you
>me of all the things Adam and Eve felt
You should be nuancing the aspect of Eve being first here
>before thou trick'd them into sin
Trick is too easy - I would say "before you birthed them bliss into sin"
>and secured thyself a catastrophic win
Is it catastrophic? I really think you're hitting higher poetical notes but try writing on pen and paper for a while - the words flow too easily.
>and I shalt tell thee, nay sing thee,
Again the thou to you
>a song of myself to bringest thee glee,
Glee?
>that thou, admist these black spokes and mist
Fantastic and evidence you have legitimate talent
>have forgotten, tales of misery and bliss!"
And of bliss

>>19397487
Cont.
>Whereupon the bole split in the middle
>And came out a fiddler playing a fiddle
Replace whereupon but this is pretty much perfect
>and he said with a lecherous smile
Lecherous? Your adjectives are really great once and awhile again because you're writing digitally and too fast.
>"I sing the world! Thou! Stay a while
Good but no thou
>And I shall recall memories of Gaia's past
I will recall the shadows of Gaia's past (recall is redundant to memories)
>that we, God and I, discussed over a repast.
Nice
>"Birth of Zeus", he went on, "and Apollo
>And Daphne and of the tree that became hollow
>And of great Achilles and", he went on" but first
>Thou sayest thou art a traveller, wherefore no thirst?"
Move away from KJV stuff but this set up is awesome.
>I said then, "I am a traveller from an antique land,
>And I saw two legs that killed all my glands!"
Glands is too specific to end this pointedly. I think the two legs is Eve but what I'm getting also is that you haven't meditated philosophically on the garden of Eden and so you prpbably want to do that.

>>19397313
>is English your native language
no it's not, i'm a pole. I assumed that with a help of a dictionary i would be able to figure out how it's supposed to sound in english.

>>19398051
>>19398067
Also, just because I think numbers matter here. It's clear to me that you've been writing poetry for probably 5 years or less, so this is still quite good. I've been dead sprinting and trying to become one of the best poets of all time for 11 years now so keep that in mind.

>>19381293
You know what's gayer than poetry? Poetry critics.

>>19398051
shit feedback

>>19398095
Do you see the irony in your post

>>19398110
yes.

well, yr feedback is just tedious to read with a bunch of specific "change this" and "change that" which simply doesn't change the shape of the poem for the better.
your two-post review included very little of substance and your main points are barely comprehensible. you could have reviewed the whole thing with a paragraph and it would have been more meaningful and constructive.
you're missing the point of it all

>>19398122
Okay - this is good feedback.
>>19397487
You created a good poem with regards to some key poetic units but you let in too many easy adjectives and old time language. The overall image of the poem is just flatout what it is - I don't think you've brought it up to the level of as theological or philosophical issue but merely a poetic, and as such your thoughts don't have anywhere to go. Overall though, it shows real promise and could be salavageable but you need to slow down the writing process and read some philosophy or theology.
P the poem

>>19398134
>>19398067
>>19398051
Please ignore that other guy. Your feedback is fantastic. Thank you so much and yes you are right, I was writing digitally. Yes, i will improve. Also that last line anon, that's a reference to Ozymandias by Shelley. I was trying to create a story. This is only part of it you know. But seriously thank you, very very much!

>>19398085
I can't tell if you are serious but yes, I have been writing poetry for less than a month really and this is only my 6th or 7th poem. Also if your poem is really beyond critique cause I don't even know what to criticize. It all seems perfect and sometimes, you can tell that your skill even as a potential great is less than the person you're trying to criticize. I probably could come up with faults but that'd just make look silly. I'm this guy btw, do you submit to magazines via submittable? I'm this
>>19398312 anon btw to avoid confusion.

>>19398312
Ohh then last line:
"And I saw two legs above lie's ancestory of sand."

>>19398416
>do you submit to magazines via submittable?
Thanks man and yeah you seriously have some room to grow and improve. In five years you'll be able to give people chills and in ten you'll start hitting the high notes consistently (keep in mind, the greatest poets died only wrote 300 or so lyrical poems - output over time with serious spiritual and philosophical study does you good). Thank you for your kind words! I don't submit because I see one of three options:
1) I receive no recognition and rejections (90% chance at the least)
2) I receive some recognition but it's mixed (5%)
3) I receive a lot recognition and it's good (5%)
With 1 I just wasted time, 2 I wasted everyone's time and honesrtly I'd be sad, and 3 I'd be too scared for. I have absolutely zero interest in becoming a public figure to the slightest degree. I mean seriously as a connundrum: You are a genius level poet, do you want the recognition as such in today's day and age? I know poetry is small, but imagine giving readings at universities - if you're not PC and well known there might be protests, if you're weak to pretty young girls you might make a very real mistake, and if you have a problematic past (let's just say that every poet would never be published nowadays) then you're waiting for your identity to be ruined. I probably would have tried in a pre-social media era but it's too late.

>>19398473
You could still try. There's magazines that will accept your work. Imo receiving some positive recognition would greatly motivate you to write more. It could also give you a rare opportunity to meet some of the writers you like. Also, thank you. Do you have any books that I must read? I have read a bit of Blake, almost everything from Yeats, the first six collections of Pound, quite a bit of Eliot and a little of Shelley. I want to read more but i have a feeling I should also learn about things. So I'm thinking Dante, the Bible, Beowolf and all of the Greeks and Romans (only read The iliad and odyssey and some Plato). I was also considering reading Mythology by Edith Hamilton since that would give me A LOT of useful info quickly instead of going through primary sources. What do you think?

>>19398576
We will see :). I already have a couple hundred ready to go
Outside of the obvious classics: James Dickey, Wallace Stevens, Alexander Theroux, and Elliot Weinberger is good for some fun reading. For philosophy, you basically want to know the whole of the Western canon, aka all of Plato and Aristotle, Augustine, the Bible, Leibniz, Spinoza, Descartes, Hegel, Schelling, Kant, Schopenhauer etc. You can read most of the philosophy canon in 2-3 years at a book a week. The mythology is good but think on a larger timescale. You're trying to develop yourself for a lifetime of writing so focus on the big names that everyone knows but never worry about a healthy digression. Also, idk how old you are, but you should have reading knowledge of at least two nonenglish languages - French is crucial because their poets are simply the best and if you have the IQ then Arabic, I really don't have the time anymore so I learned German. It's a grind but it's essential. Poetry seems to either be algebraic or geometric, i.e. you find the right unique word or you find the right common words used uniquely. Identify that strength and hone it - I thought I was the former for way too long - you seem to be the former. You'll see that nearly all poets went to the best schools (I didn't), so you need to know why: They had the conviction that their thoughts were beautiful.

>>19398956
Cont.
Check out Thompson too - he's a forgotten writer but of an incredible callibre. To be totally candid though, the best poet in Europe is Rilke and everyone else really pales in comparison. Schiller, Hölderin, Goethe, Baudelaire, Rimbaud, Verlaine, Apollinaire, and Mallarmé are all amazing writers but you should know them by their native tongues. William Gass has a Rilke translation I'd trust but try to get into a German copy. Rumi and Rilke are the masters of the geometric poetry. Algebraic it's Virgil. That all being said, there is only one master poet of English and it's AC Swinburne - I believe Arabic has an equivalent I've forgotten. Check out https://www.poetry.com/poem/1410/the-eve-of-revolution

>>19398956
>>19398993
Thank you anon, I am 20 and I have been learning French for a month now. I can read and write in 4 languages, I'd say but I grew up in a trilingual home. I've only learned Japanese on my own. I am currently working through a dual language edition of Rimbaud and vocabulary from an Anki deck. Thank you for all your reccs. I have screenshotted this so I can go through them all, thank you. I greatly appreciate it. I am majoring in CS so I don't have much time. I also want to go to a good graduate school and then maybe a PhD, I don't know for sure.

>>19399034
Just keep chugging. It's all vanity at the end of the day.

>>19399034
don't trust someone who tells you about the "best" poet in Europe (without even telling you why)
this man is a pseud

>>19398956
>>19398993
Holy shit dude, you've taken larping to a whole new level lmao. Kid, don't listen to this faggot, he's a massive pseud and thinking that
>Swinburne
is the GOAT English poet is a dead giveaway.

>>19397313
>The pacing is a mess and I don't see what affect the line spacing serves here.

>this any better?
Poems, are gay

I wish they, would

Just, go away

>>19400089
its incredibly painful to read.

>>19400144
checked
I cringed the whole way through his posts. I think it might just be diamond-tier bait.

>>19397487
I'm honestly not well-versed enough to know what kind of poem it is or what makes it contemporary. I don't mind that you hate it, I'm just curious to know what "kind of thing" it is to you.

>>19397685
>niggerdly
that's not a real word
adverbs = adjectective + ly
nigger is not an adjective and can't be wished into being an adverb

>>19400144
>>19400180
I mean it might be but it's still good advice don't you think? He's just asking me to read more. Plus those reccs aren't bad at all. And some of those names are unfamiliar. I just don't see how Alexander Theroux is a "fun" read but whatever.
>>19400391
I have seen that same exact poem so many times, only dressed differently. It's always like this

I found
Sociopathy
And I saw in him
Multiple embryo definine life

Just nonsense words that make no sense.

I hammered,
Red iron,
A thin knife,
Forged to cut,
My soul.

>>19400089
I have seen this anon say Swineburne is on the same level as Dante and Milton, I think a month ago? He's just an admirer. It's good to be passionate about these things.

>>19400438
Ah, I think you might just be too impatient to actually read things. I thought the piece was pretty explicit.

>>19400477
It's not bad to be passionate, but read the rest of his replies. I'm sorry, anon.

>>19399336
>>19399336
>>19399336
i did it today, would love it if someone gave me some feedback
>>19397676
neat i really like the rythm
allthough silver wind is a strange metaphor. Hard to decipher.
Is wind pure/good? is it valuable? should it be taken literally as if wind had color?

>>19400089
>Holy shit dude, you've taken larping to a whole new level lmao. Kid, don't listen to this faggot, he's a massive pseud and thinking that
larp, lmao, faggot, and pseud
>>19400180
nice
>>19400438
Weinberger is the fun one. I'm not bait.
>>19400477
Swinburne is a better poet than both of them.

>>19400180
checked, cringe

Your thoughts and 4chan buzzwords overlap way too much to be listened to.

>>19400572
No, it's bad. Why don't you accept that it is bad?

>>19401973
Another point against reading comprehension. It might be shit, but it definitely isn't nonsense.

>>19400406
Seems like a very niggerdly thing to say

>>19400406
seethe

>>19402358
>>19402063
Meds

>>19400572
Sorry anon, this >>19401973 wasn't me. I read your poem. It's actually pretty good. Earlier I was sleepy and tired. I apologize for the hasty response and calling it nonsense. On multiple readings, it does seem to evoke a certain feeling I can only describe as "radio static in the middle of a marsh". It's actually pretty fun. Is it about aliens? Or hallucinations? It has a scifi feel, perhaps because of the words you have used.
>>19400656
It's okay, it's still good reccs regardless.
>>19401305
I will definitely read him

>>19402666
It's about a piece of music that I've listened to before going to sleep for the better part of a decade now. I wrote the poem a few years ago when I realized that on most nights the song passes through my head like background noise, just another unremarkable part of a bedtime routine where it used to have more impact on me.

.

>>19381293
The Sentinel
I walk lockstep
End to end of my parents patio
Cigarette smoke trails behind me
And I imagine that I am guarding
The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier

What I would give to have such a purpose,
Their automatic movements juxtaposing
My clumsy steps in the cold.

I may not be tall enough to be a guardsman
But I may have a purpose yet
Patrolling the backyard with listless indifference
Back and forth back and forth
The only difference between my action
And theirs may be intention.

So much weight rests on their sacrifice of Self
To ceremony
Perhaps the weight of a nation.

>>19403745
Something I just wrote today

>>19386575
I would change Both to First in the third line. I would also change kudzu to another generic plant as it sounds vaguely Asian which is in contrast to the rest of the poem which gives Robert Frost vibes. Overall a very cozy poem though, I give it a thumbs up.

>>19381294
Sucks
>>19383273
Cope
>>19385504
Gay
>>19385890
Try hard
>>19385980
Baby's first poem
>>19386568
Yawn
>>19389757
Dilate
>>19390250
TLDR
>>19390490
Inb4 Nietzsche
>>19391537
TLDR
>>19391997
Seethe
>>19392010
I forgot this poem before I was even finished reading it
>>19392528
YA fiction in poetry form (not a compliment)
>>19392621
My Eternal-tier
>>19392861
Yawn
>>19392865
I dreamt while trying to read this poem

The Incel
I wipe my cock
With cum stained underwear
And rage

Ten thousand thousand sons
Sacrificed to the Altar of the dumpy Asian bitch
With a fat ass

Did you know?
Christ was closest to God
When he was reduced to nothing

>>19399034
>I speak four languages
Oh wow, did you know that if you speak three or more languages on /lit/ you get a free cookie? Please click this link to accept your prize: https://shockchan.com/lemon-party/

>>19399034
Did you know that if you speak more than three languages on this board you get a cookie?

Lonely and somber
It has been so long
Blue sky, a bird's song
Alone, no longer

Deep Pain

My dark heart writhes helpless and alone, forgetten and desolate in isolation, in the seething pain and angst of blackest days, gone to waste in the raging hellfire storms of my burning and tortured memory.
Each day is a cruel, flaming raven that swoops down from the empty, godless heavens to oppress my nascent desires, to mutilate my dreams into bloody knife-blood nightmares.
Angst is bad.
Angst is long.
Angst is sad.
Angst is wrong.
Help me, God.
My eaten soul squirms out of hopeless misery, crawls like a fat slug across the dry surface of scorched earth.
All there is left of me is slime.
Tend to my wounds, how sublime.
No one understands my deep pain.
No one understand my suffering.
Once there was sun, now only rain.
Once I was flying, now I am barely hovering,
Above the ground, the charred muck of death and destruction that shrieks and wails to a pinch and implodes having grasped the tedium of its eternally unchanging being.
The fury of screaming odium and hated demons churn in my chest, bellow like murdered ghosts, risen in cold blood and vengeance from the shallow graves of cursed strife and memory.
Don't pray for me. I'll pray for myself ....

Yes, I'm a racist. Yes, I'm a fascist. Yes, I'm an oppressor. So: I shall pay With my blood For the crimes of our great grandfather. I shall unabashedly display my shorn locks, A Christ-empty tonsure of sorts, Beat my breast and pillage and incinerate Villages and already penurious hamlets To Demonstrate my Sense of Justice. I shall genuflect Before the consecrated host of trite morality And
Drink the Holy Water which bears the grime Of all the fingers that have bathed in it. For you, Mommy! (aside): Hemlock, after all, is only for Big Boys Who understand how to put up a fight at the
Marketplace. You see, my chap, The Old Covenant commanded "Thou shalt"
And the New Convenant is no different
Due to the Death of the Individual.
People have forgotten that the stilts of their Florida beachfront properties
Are inevitably fashioned from the bones of
Men who were drawn and quartered
For having stolen a farthing. So (aside ends): I am you, you are me. I shall do these things. You shall do these things. Or
Perhaps it is better to be A racist A fascist
And an oppressor? Tell me, Mommy! Which is it?

>>19398956
Who are the obvious classics?
I was planning to read James Dickey and also Thomas Wolfe. I mainly write prose and as per Bradbury's suggestion I read one short story and poem each day on top of any novel I'm looking at. I have more than enough philosophy and history texts.

>>19404460
Homer, Pindar, Virgil, Lucretius, Ovid, Aeschylus, Sophocles, Dante, Petrarch, Chaucer, Pope, Spenser (eh?), Donne, Goethe, Schiller, Hoelderin, Novalis, Byron, Shelley, Longfellow (not great but fun), and Shakespeare

>>19404379
Cringe

>>19404270
One of my favorites in this thread. Nice and simple. Not sure if the comma in the last line is needed

Here’s some haikus I wrote:

Circles

I.
Concentric circles
Growing in circumference
Worry the waters

II.
Hear the mournful song
Of the blue whale as it pleads
To be less alone

III.
Nettles and thistle
Below give meaning to the
Blue expanse above

IV.
The baleful gaze of
A jaguar holds more truth than
I can comprehend

V.
In the warm spring night
The insects gather around
A flickering lamp

VI.
Everything we built
Will crumble like sandcastles
In the rising tide

VII.
The shock of red as
A robin lands on the branch
Brings me back to life

>>19403821
>cope
did you even get what it's about?
It's literally about how brainrot gets faggots who cope and never question their beliefs

>>19405155
Do you like my poem though?

>>19405169
It's technically good and if it wasn't for the last stanza it would've been unbelievably cringe, now it's just borderline. At least get rid of the specificity of how many sons have been sacrificed.

>>19405244
Thanks. I'm keeping that line though because I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Also
>checked

>>19405064
>not one French
Even Pound in his ABC of reading includes Villon, Rimbaud, Corbière and Laforgue. At the very least Baudelaire should be included in the list you made.

>>19381293
Black plague, nigger horde
Trannies fucking up my board
Basedjak spammers, frogpost swamp
My childhood's haven turned to muck
Novel thought drowned out in shit
I think I'm going to buy more guns and scream racist slogans at teenage girls

>>19381294
Chess is gay/10

>>19382732
Nice recursion but using a "-" like that is gay as fuck

>>19382743
That's a pretty small penis

>>19383273
Learn how to use tabs

>>19385504
Haikus suck

>>19385890
Tldr

>>19385973
Reddit spacing

>>19385980
Pretentious and boring

>>19386568
Tldr

>>19386575
Tldr

>>19386777
Tldr

>>19390656
BASED
/thread

>>19405136
Highly enjoyed your taste in aesthetics, i will write seven haikus as a sign of enjoyment.

I.
I see a Black Sea
filling all eternity,
and I am at peace.

II.
Breaker waves welter,
the songs of sheltered wrens rise,
Sighs before silence.

III.
Both are infinite,
Both the heavens and the earth,
Both through difference.

IV
The groan of the lamb
Will make the lion’s dread eyes
Weep with tears of gold.

V
Great incandescence,
moment’s illumination,
A touch of the lamp.

VI
The sands temporal
Have dwelled in eternity
Since the beginning.

VII
Green then red then sere,
Likewise he who remains here
Will fade with the years.

>>19405341
Great stuff, glad my shitty poems could serve as inspiration

>>19405456
Don’t be so down on yourself, height of mind makes up for lack of skill and lack of skill through time can become skill. I compliment what you’ve written because even if I can spot imitative aspects or metrical aspects that aren’t the best, I can tell they derive from you sitting down, enjoying beauty and trying to recombine them. As long as you have the combinatory intellect that has a taste for the sublime or beautiful then discipline is the only question.

>>19405291
>>19398993

>>19405513
>the best poet
Retard

>>19381294
Like it
>>19382743
Based
>>19390656
Kek'd
>>19392621
Damn
>>19381293
You come to me with love
With fruits of warmness feeling
With beauty I adored,
With hefty greatful dealing
You come to me with herbs
With fallen dirty cielings
With much of what is known
With heavy dying breathing

Dont take this too seriously, I just thought it sounded cool :)

>>19405295
>Learn how to use tabs
I do suggest you play around with this form, indenting the last line of a complete thought brings the eye to the new line faster and doesn't let the energy dissipate as it does if the lines start from the same place. Prose does an indent on the first line of each paragraph, but in poetry I've found it keeps the eye going like this.

Not allowed to die on me now, thread

>>19382732
Funny
>>19392621
Nonconformist/10
>>19393174
Good atmosphere

Alas! Winter will soon be here,
and the tap water is lukewarm.
May I fridge my water outside?
Does water still ring alarm?

>>19409007
7/10 pretty good

>>19390250
Try to be creative in ways you can think if 'it' 'working' 'for you'.

This website needs simpler site navigation for only a keyboard. I don't want to use the mouse.