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/lit/ - Literature

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1915273 No.1915273 [Reply] [Original]

On a wagon bound and helpless
Lies a calf, who is doomed to die.
High above him flies a swallow
Soaring gaily through the sky.

The wind laughs in the cornfield
Laughs with all his might
Laughs and laughs the whole day through
And half way through the night

Dona, dona, dona, dona,
Dona, dona, dona, do,
Dona, dona, dona, dona,
Dona, dona, dona, do.

Now the calf is softly crying
"Tell me wind, why do you laugh?"
Why can’t I fly like the swallow
Why did I have to be a calf,

The wind laughs in the cornfield ...

Calves are born and soon are slaughtered
With no hope of being saved.
Only those with wing like swallow
Will not ever be enslaved.

>> No.1915280

Not actually shitty until the last stanza when you rhymed "saved" with "enslaved" which is off rhyme, makes no sense in context, and completely fails to deliver a metaphorical payload that the first 3/4ths of the poem sets up for.
Also, cut the third stanza or else repeat it as a refrain.

>> No.1915304

look at all the money we earnin mane as the world keep turnin mane
try to do it on the low but everywhere i go somebody got a lawman learnin names

>> No.1915357

On a wagon bound and helpless
Lies a calf, who is doomed to die.
High above him flies a swallow
Soaring gaily through the sky.

Almost good, the rest of the poem redo
Remember cadence. get rid of who is and gaily consider through replacement with across

So reads
On a wagon bound and helpless
Lies a calf, doomed to die.
High above him flies a swallow
Soaring through the sky.

Rhythm is important here, and you recognize that by adding a rhythmic 3rd stanza

>> No.1915365

I read the dona dona do part as a guitar baseline

DUNNA DUNNA DUNNA DUNNA DUNNA DUNNA DUNNA DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

>> No.1915407

this is a really old jewish thing actually

>> No.1915408
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1915408

It's terrible

>> No.1915422

>>1915408
you don't know anything about anything

>> No.1915432

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dona_Dona

>> No.1915442

you are killing this board all by yourself

>> No.1915448
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1915448

Dona, dona, dona, dona, BATMAN!

>> No.1915449
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1915449

inb4 umad, 250+ posts

>> No.1915457

this is a classic hebrew festival song i already said that you guys can't even read and it's stupid

>> No.1915470

>>1915457

in the tital it clearly says "my poem" so GTFO and troll /b/.

>> No.1915471

>>1915470

>*title

>> No.1915496

>>1915457
>>1915470
>>1915471
everybody getting mad

>> No.1915503

>>1915496
also: fabulous - will you promise to not impersonate me anymore forever?

>> No.1915513

>>1915503
what do you want

>> No.1915514

what do you think of the ballad of reading gaol

>> No.1915516

>>1915513
you to stop impersonating me in the club
if it's not you, find out who it is
I can't go back until he's gone

>> No.1915523

>>1915516
there's only two people there

what seems to be the problem

>> No.1915528

>>1915523
Every time I try to go on there, he has taken ze4rd or rangaha or whatever name you'd expect me to use
I don't want to go back for fear that my reputation will be tarnished by you/him/her
Maybe a bit pretentious, but I'd like to not end up like Sunhawk

>> No.1915531

>>1915528
what does your name even mean?

>> No.1915532
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1915532

>>1915528
lol sunhawk contributes more to this board than you OR fab

>> No.1915538

>>1915528
don't worrry there aren't any people like you in there

i don't know what that sunhawk thing was supposed to mean though

>> No.1915541

>>1915531
ze4rd or rangaha?
>>1915532
>sunhawk
>existing

>> No.1915543

>>1915541
rangaha

>> No.1915551

>>1915543
it's a reference to a Chinese man

>> No.1915555

>>1915551
how am I supposed to get that

>> No.1915557

>>1915555
you're not supposed to
when did i say that