/lit/ - Literature

>>19044502

reminds me of 1984

>>19044504

>>19044514

>>19044502
I made it about 1.5 paragraphs. The prose is stilted. The first paragraph feels like nonsense.

>>19044517

>>19044511
In what way?

>>19044520
I was kind of going for a sense of the nonsensical, it being a psychiatric ward. It is psychological horror with elements of the supernatural. But yeah, my prose ain't great

>>19044502
You need some serious work. Take a chapter to a critique exchange site. Thet will tear you a new asshole

>>19044545
Which one do you recommend?

>>19044502
the first three sentences of the 2nd paragraph need to be rewritten ASAP, try it op.

>>19044555
https://www.christopherfielden.com/short-story-tips-and-writing-advice/free-writing-critiques.php

Pick one. Most of them run on credits, aka you get one critique for every two you do

>>19044582
Oh fuck that

>>19044502
You’re connecting too many dots and not trusting your reader.
The text has no space to breathe.
It seems like you are trying to write rather than just writing.

>>19044583
fuck yeah dude. fuck that

>>19044514
>charon
And the elevator is both the River Styx and Cerberus?

>kissed it to leave my mark on it
why

what is ominosity

>>19044602
I agree, it seems too obvious and would put off anyone who studied mythology in high school

>>19044522
>He stood there quietly smirking, trying to convey that he was not leaving until I had taken the pills
Even in the psych ward, where I had no phone, shaving razor, shoelaces, or even privacy, I could still choose whether or not to take the drugs prescribed to me. You need to be better than this

Despite the sometimes confusing descriptors, I liked the idea of the story OP. But there needs to be something more than "scary mental hospital that obviously parallels Hades"

>>19044629
It all works up to the mc's fear of the padded cells which reveal to you the truth of yourself. Theme would be the idea that true reflection is something we avoid and doing so can land you in dark places

>the carpet looked like it was from a 1980's hotel foyer
Good job on the description there. Really added a note of immersion! I can see this image so crisply in my mind. Like that really garish orange-and-avocado stuff with the geometric designs that everyone had back in the day.

Although it took me a moment to get the Inferno references though. At first I thought you misspelled Sharon. But why wasn't the nurse looking at the narrator? Keep up the good work OP. Please post more.

>>19044668
Thanks. I'm probably cutting the Inferno references but I will keep the carpet imagery

>>19044659

>>19044583
I'm not sure what you expect. You can always pay a copyeditor to look at this and then you don't have to edit. Needless to say the critique process, and if you don't participate, you'll be stuck in first draft hell since you don't know your weak points.

>>19044712
4chan is pretty good at telling you your weak points. Also, I can't critique shit.

>>19044715
I see about a half dozen problems in the first two paragraphs that aren't mentioned. If you're writing for yourself I wouldn't sweat it though. It's about what you'd find on Wattpad or something for hobby writing

>>19044735
Please tell me.

>>19044756
I'm in my phone, and that would be way too much work to go through this, but here is my passing opinion as a working copyeditor.
Your main problem is bad line pacing (consequential lines of similar length are boring). It's really, really bad. Read it out loud and think of the tempo of your writing as you recite it.
Other problems are same handful of opening words and formations. Your fragments are off, as in they're just aren't appropriate in the prose and they're overused. >But I barely used them! Yes, but they stick out.
To much verb glue, like, "I thought/had X," instead of just describing the subject. It's just running the prose into the muck.
Because of these pacing line shortcomings, you need to write simpler—words like luminosity and black hole metaphors stand out when you don't know how to pace a sentence, and that's the "trying to write," that people are making mention of.
There's a bunch more, but it's specific to particular lines.

>>19044823
How to pace a sentence?

>>19044862
read more

>>19044862
Don't listen to >>19044940
You don't learn how to play an instrument by just listening to music. T
Study the craft, write, read, edit, and participate in critique.

>>19044522
This reads like a summary of what took place in “the story”, and the first sentence doesn’t compel me. I think you’ve spent most of your energy on “the idea”, but as a reader, I don’t care about your ideas. I’d prefer the story to have real emotional stakes. Instead all I got were ham fisted allusions, and sentences about “madness”. Your take on “madness” doesn’t interest me, but the reality of your lived experiences might. Don’t give up on this, just keep revising it while paying attention to the reader’s attention. We get bored fast.

>>19044659
Start with that then. Don’t work up to it. Un-placeholder everything.

Bump