/lit/ - Literature

>>18468250
Evening brought with it a light rain. In spite the gloom, the lights of Minerosa filled the night with warmth. Cars crowded the people-lined streets, all tired, ready to be home. In the city’s center stood an imposing, three-story edifice. The arched windows and gables all poured over with aged brick, ivy snuck between its grooves. Above its front door a metal badge was hung to brush past the show of regality. It put it plain: MPD.


there's the first paragraph and I'm not doing anymore until you pay me.

>>18468250
It’s fine as is. The pseuds only shit on it because they never finish a novel before and never will. And if by chance they do write, it’s overwritten, purple prose garbage.

>>18468295
I appreciate the efforst of the self-published but this has a lot of unfortunate flaws

one example: overusage of the word "but" to combine ideas. at one point a character 'doesn't mind being hit by rain' BUT 'stands tall;' the ideas have little to do with each other, and can be read as logically connected and not juxtaposed, requiring a but

it might seem like nitpicking but it really throws a reader off. something to consider.

>>18468295
cool story, but rewrite it.

>>18468295
>projecting this hard
The problem with the writing is that it's bland. There's nothing that differentiates it from the million other novels that get rejected from publication every year. Anyone with a decent grasp of English grammar could have written that

your rewrite sucks dick

>>18468289
ok, here's a webm of apes.

>>18468330
fine, here:

The rain hushed the courtyard, where a man and woman stood facing the entryway. He was tall-- about six feet, still as a statue with the rain pelting his smooth head. His skin was dark, as was his coat. A weapon was strapped to his back. He did not wince as the rain smacked his head, and coursed around his eyes. She was shorter, in a leather jacket with a yellow bolt of lightning on the back. She held a whit umbrella to shield herself from the downpour, but her hair sucked up the moisture, and rested close to her neck. Her eyes traced the embossed lettering of the metal badge; M. P. D. She was anxious. She knew what was about to happen.

>>18468250
Evening rain familiar to Minerosa coated the car clogged streets, a tangle off tired people all homeward bound. In the centre a couple stood still in front of the fortress like MPD headquarters.
Unconcerned with the rain and below average height; dressed in a trench coat and armed with a bo staff the man was still while his partner fidgeted with the photo in her pocket. She had made her decision she tryed to remind herself, as a way to stop the anxiety from filling her mind.
btw she was blond and had an umbrella

>>18468250
Evening fell and it rained. The city of Minerosa was bright and crowded despite this. The tall building in the center of the city was the MPD. A tall, dark man, and a short, light woman stood in front of the MPD.

>>18468250
A man in black raced through the busy streets of Minerosa and his woman followed. Their hurried footsteps slapped against the drenched and dirty asphalt. A crowd of people hurrying to get home were shoved to the side as they approached the building that dominated the heart of the city with three bold letters: MPD.

The rain quickened it's pace as they stood frozen, captured by the building's presence. It was now nearing monsoon season in Minerosa, with a mere downpour being enough to send a sensible person rushing indoors. The man remained unbothered, while the woman half-heartedly unfolded an umbrella to shield only herself and her makeup, nigh on the verge of melting into a red and black mess, from the hot summer rain.

"I swear it storms every time you wear that damn jacket," the man said, referring to her black leather jacket with a lightning bolt on the back--an harbinger of the bolt that cracked through the sky a moment after he spoke.

The woman snorted before replying. "Well, if your mother had it in her to not birth a giraffe, perhaps you could share this umbrella with me for once."

The man laughed with her for a moment. He then looked over to her, with her gaze unbroken on the building, and quietly remarked on how beautiful her silver eyes and flowing blonde hair looked in the rain. It's a shame what happened to her, he thought. A damned shame.

He reached back for the metallic bo staff strung across his back.

"Are you ready?" he asked, knowing what was about to take place.

"I don't have a choice."

>>18468459
Based minimalist.

>>18468250
On a dreary day, as drizzle chased evening, a man and woman loitered on the sidewalk opposite an official-looking building, burnished beams and bristling windows sullenly reflecting the overcast sky. The man observed the slowly diminishing bustle dispassionately, pointedly not pouting as rain tickled his skin. The woman held a pale umbrella overhead; her companions stifled expression grated, but she dismissed the annoyance swiftly. The umbrella could only cover one, after all. As the HPS lamps hummed into life overhead, she was seized by a bit of nonsense imagery: "The sky is breathing on the glass." She sneezed, then set off toward the entrance. As she and her companion passed under the MPD emblem, she collapsed the umbrella with a practiced clap.

>>18468250
6:15pm, Minerosa. Light showers, heavy traffic. Two suspects loitering at MPD entrance. One male; Negro, 6'0", black trench coat, armed and one female; Caucasian, 5'8", leather jacket and white umbrella.

>>18468250
Evening's fall, coupled with drizzle, was lit by Minerosa light. Heavy traffic surrounded the MPD and couple stood in the drizzle, facing it's doors.

>>18468250
It's evening. 2 genders outside.

>>18468250
Evening fell, and with it, a light rain on dear Minerosa. Despite the foreboding weather, the city was alight with life. Cars and people roamed among the streets, all bustling to and fro to reach their destination. In the center of the city stood an old and abandoned building. Old auction house the locals would say. With the words BBC mounted above the front doors.

Two men were inside a hootin' and a hollerin'. A tall light-skinned man going to town on some sodden bucks rear. Yes sir, though slavery may have long since been abolished, you will still find the old ways woven into the fabric of dear Minerosa. Buck Breaking was a fact of life. No such thing as a white man and negro staying amicable long, no sir. Sooner or later, like rain fills a puddle, the negro will prostrate and the white man will accommodate.

>>18468555
This one was amusing to me because I used to live in Charleston where they still have the old slave auction house in the middle of the city

>>18468250
As the light of day faded and died in the west a soft rain began to fall over the sleepy midwestern city of Minerosa. The slick streets reflecting the streetlights glistened like dark glass as people wandered home for the day, the cars drawing small wakes of water behind them red from the taillights. Make your way down the gloomy streets, turn left here, and follow the sidewalk to the town square. Here stands a three-story building, grey and angular and cold, its faced illuminated by spotlights in the front lawn.

On this night a man and a woman stood side by side facing it. The man, a six foot tall negro in a trenchcoat, watched the building; slung across his lower back was a metallic rod known to any practicing mall-ninja as a bo-staff. The woman was much shorter than him, silver-eyed, standing five foot four; she wore a white leather jacket two sizes too large for her with a crude felt lighteningbolt stitched across the back; she might have done the stitching herself. She held over her shoulder a small umbrella but the angle she held it at did not shield her from the rain: her hair was matted and clung to her face like mud–it had not been washed in a month.

>>18468555
>a hootin' and a hollerin'
this line makes me kek

>>18468687
Some changes:
>slung across his lower back was a metallic curtain rod purloined from his mother's living room; being a practicing mall-ninja he preferred to call it a bo-staff.

>her hair was wet and matted and clung to her face like mud. It had not been washed in a month and she didn't see anything wrong with that.

>>18468250
>Evening fell with a light rain, the rush-hour lights of Minerosa overcoming the gloom. The imposing MPD building stood at the center, its badge mounted above front doors. A tallish dark man and a short blonde woman stood still together in front of it, tense, distracted enough to pay the rain little mind, putting on an air of tranquillity to face what was to come inside.
I had to redact their getups & such to give it a bump in plausibility, but that's the most I'm willing to do with it.

>>18468555
Kek

>>18468555
I hate shitposting poltards like you. There can't be a board that's civil with engaging discussion without one of you bastards coming with your, "hue hue hue, I'm a racist, aren't I funneh?!?!"

You're trash. I swear until the end of my days I will devote my life to getting rid you and your ilk from /lit/. Every chance I get.

>>18469701
Imagine sperging at the only revision with any merit in this thread. The original is fine barring minimal changes like >>18468322 suggests. Sets a scene and provides a modest amount of detail. Not too little to be lacking and not too much to delay the far more interesting action. I'm not a big fan of character descriptions with no purpose, but at the end of the day a necessary evil is just that and not worth obsessing over. Would it likely be tossed into the reject pile? Probably. Is that any real indication of its quality? Absolutely not. Judging a book by its opening is one step of midwittery above judging a book by its cover. There's limited capacity to appreciate novel forms of necessity before the thought of spending time with yet another self-important painted whore becomes repulsive and tiresome and a man longs for a girl unafraid to wear no make up before a swimming date.

>>18468295
>And if by chance they do write, it’s overwritten, purple prose garbage.
As opposed to the OP?

>>18468501
kino

>>18469701
rent free. it's not good to live embroiled in hatred, bro, that's a waste of life

>>18470528
>The original is fine
the original is dogshit. just like your post lmoa

>>18470641
The world makes /pol/tards seethe, /pol/tards make him seethe.

>>18468459
now move to spain and write about bulls

I'd swap a lot of periods out for semicolons.

>>18468250
Evening rain fell softly on illumined Minerosa. The streets were crowded with carfuls of the weary. In the centre there stood a building three-storeys tall. A metal badge above the entrance reads MPD.

Hard to salvage it without changing it too much. Can I get a rate?

>>18471630
ignore the s in reads*

>>18471650
not gonna do it

>>18471630
nice. the last sentence should read "a metal badge above the entrance read MPD", though

>>18468480
After reading through this thread, I think my revision is the best, feeling pretty chuffed.

>>18468480
>>18468687
worst ones ITT

>>18473598

>>18473702
>>18473737
Sorry mates, your stuff sucks.

>>18473741
Your paragraph is horribly overwritten. Your job was to improve upon the OP excerpt, but you just made it more unreadable. Read more, get an ear for prose, and git gud.

>>18473784
Dearth of detail isn't an indicator of prose quality. My excerpt contains the right amount of introductory detail and is the only one that's actually plausibly 'publishable.' I did abandon sections of the OP text (because it was shite), though.

>>18468250
Evening began to fall like the character of Lucifer from heaven in Paradise Lost, and with it a light rain, but despite the gloom and doom weather, the lights of Minerosa lit up the night with light. Cars accelerated in the crowded streets, cars that were full of tired people trying to get home from a long, tiring day of exhausting work. In the epicenter -- or nucleus -- of the city, stood a large three-story building, regal and large, with a metallic badge and the letters "MPD" mounted above the front doors.

A man and a woman stood still in front of the police building like silent statues standing guard in front of a building, an odd tranquility amid the hustle and bustle of the city around them. The man stood. He was tall for six feet, with dark skin and an even darker trench coat, like an African American basketball player standing in a room with all the lights turned off. A metallic bo staff was strapped to his back. Rain pelted his smooth head, but he wasn't bothered by it, not a bit, but even stood erect with purpose like a guard standing at attention in front of Buckingham Palace, UK (SW1A 1AA), as he stared with purpose at the entrance to the aforementioned three-story building in the mecca of the bustling city.

As for the woman? She was five foot three inches, quite a bit shorter than six feet, and she was wearing a leather jacket with a lightning bolt on the back. She was not black. She was holding a white umbrella to shield her from the rain, although some wisps of her blonde hair caught some drops of moisture. Her silver eyes stared at the crest of the three-story building intently and then at its doors, her mind racing a mile a minute about the decision she had made, and what was about to take place in that building in about 40 seconds give or take. She reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out a picture of the three-story building -- but it was not the before her, not the one located in the nexus of the city, but in the middle of no-where.

>>18473598
>feeling pretty chuffed.

You a woman?

>>18473876
Best one

>>18468250
riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend
of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to
Howth Castle and Environs.
Sir Tristram, violer d'amores, fr'over the short sea, had passen-
core rearrived from North Armorica on this side the scraggy
isthmus of Europe Minor to wielderfight his penisolate war: nor
had topsawyer's rocks by the stream Oconee exaggerated themselse
to Laurens County's gorgios while they went doublin their mumper
all the time: nor avoice from afire bellowsed mishe mishe to
tauftauf thuartpeatrick: not yet, though venissoon after, had a
kidscad buttended a bland old isaac: not yet, though all's fair in
vanessy, were sosie sesthers wroth with twone nathandjoe. Rot a
peck of pa's malt had Jhem or Shen brewed by arclight and rory
end to the regginbrow was to be seen ringsome on the aquaface.
The fall (bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonner-
ronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur-
nuk!) of a once wallstrait oldparr is retaled early in bed and later
on life down through all christian minstrelsy. The great fall of the
offwall entailed at such short notice the pftjschute of Finnegan,
erse solid man, that the humptyhillhead of humself prumptly sends
an unquiring one well to the west in quest of his tumptytumtoes:
and their upturnpikepointandplace is at the knock out in the park
where oranges have been laid to rust upon the green since dev-
linsfirst loved livvy.
4 UP
What clashes here of wills gen wonts, oystrygods gaggin fishy-
gods! Brékkek Kékkek Kékkek Kékkek! Kóax Kóax Kóax! Ualu
Ualu Ualu! Quaouauh! Where the Baddelaries partisans are still
out to mathmaster Malachus Micgranes and the Verdons cata-
pelting the camibalistics out of the Whoyteboyce of Hoodie
Head. Assiegates and boomeringstroms. Sod's brood, be me fear!
Sanglorians, save! Arms apeal with larms, appalling. Killykill-
killy: a toll, a toll. What chance cuddleys, what cashels aired
and ventilated! What bidimetoloves sinduced by what tegotetab-
solvers! What true feeling for their's hayair with what strawng
voice of false jiccup! O here here how hoth sprowled met the
duskt the father of fornicationists but, (O my shining stars and
body!) how hath fanespanned most high heaven the skysign of
soft advertisement! But was iz? Iseut? Ere were sewers? The oaks
of ald now they lie in peat yet elms leap where askes lay. Phall if
you but will, rise you must: and none so soon either shall the
pharce for the nunce come to a setdown secular phoenish.
Bygmester Finnegan, of the Stuttering Hand, freemen's mau-
rer, lived in the broadest way immarginable in his rushlit toofar-
back for messuages before joshuan judges had given us numbers
or Helviticus committed deuteronomy (one yeastyday he sternely
struxk his tete in a tub for to watsch the future of his fates but ere
he swiftly stook it out again, by the might of moses, the very water

>>18473835
>My excerpt contains the right amount of introductory detail
No it doesn't. You overdo it with your description when the passage simply doesn't need it. Just to cite an example
>burnished beams and bristling windows sullenly reflecting the overcast sky
This is overkill. You don't need all that stuff in the first fucking sentence, it reads like shit. Learn to space out your descriptions, and stop thinking cramming your sentences with as many adjectives and adverbs as you can think of is good writing

>>18473924
Jeez, I can tell you're on a Writers Diet (get it). I disagree with your analysis here, but I'm interested in any additional comments you may have. Care to share?

>>18468555
kek

>>18473968
Stop being a psued.

>>18474059
You are one salty cunt.

>>18473968
I just don't like the way your paragraph reads, personally. It seems unnecessarily dense, and some of the phrasings are awkward and the descriptions feel like fluff.

>>18474080
Fair enough.

Trying to do something without understanding the basic principles that reign the task means you're relying on luck and instinct to make something good. There's a reason why any particular artistic field, such as drawing, has clear studies about the rules which mold the end result. Sure you can make a drawing and try to make an object in perspective without understanding how perspective works, and by sheer luck you might actually make it correct, but most likely the outcome will be poor and and half assed because you don't know how perspective works. It's the same for writing character's personalities

>>18468250
>>18468330

Evenang began to nigger and with it a light nigger ran, but despite the niggerish weather, the lights of Niggerosa niggered up the night. Niggers crowded the hood, full of niggers trying to get to they crib from a long, niggering day. In the niggermiddle of the niggercity stood a large three story niggerbuilding, ape-like and jungular, with a niggerish badge and the letters NIG mounted above the front niggerdoors.
A nigger and a sheboon niggered around the police building, still like niggers, an odd behaviour for a nigger. The nigger stood a baskettall six feet, with nigger skin and an even niggerer hoodie, and a gat strapped to his waist. He wasn't niggered by the white privilege niggering his nappy head, but stood apehunched with niggerpurpose as he stared at the niggerentrance to the building. The sheboon was shorter, wearing a niggerskin jacket with a lightning nigger on the back. She was holding a black nigbrella to shield her from the niggening although ends of her niggerish hair still caught some drops of oppression. Her nigger eyes stared at the niggercrest intently and then at the niggerdoors, her niggermind niggerracing about the niggerdecision she had made and what was about to go down in that building.

>>18468250
A steady rain fell from dark clouds made darker by the low sun and brought an early evening to Minerosa. They did not mind the rain, or the dark, it suited them, or at least their characters. As they waited outside the police station they pretended to be hired guns, he the muscle, she the brains, it was fun but they were disappointed that no one on the busy street seemed to notice them. It took weeks to get the costumes perfect, they just knew they would be a hit at the Minerosa ComicCon, their costumes were subtle and looked to be clothes actually worn, not just thrown together for a night of use and then tossed into the trash like just another costume for Halloween or a masquerade, not made to draw attention or win prizes, they were 26 now and could not bother themselves with such childish nonsense. The costumes were barely even costumes and most of the ComicCon attendees would laugh at them, but the true fans would know, would seek them out, would appreciate them. This would be the year that they would enter the upper echelons of the Minerosa ComicCon, 14 years of attendance was going to finally pay off. A car pulled out of the traffic and the driver asked if they had called for an Uber, she compared him to the picture she required the driver send her so she could confirm his identity, you can never be too careful these days. She smiled to herself as she watched the rain bead up on the photograph, that laminator was worth it's weight in gold.

Evening and light rain! Lights of Minerosa! Cars crowding the streets! People trying to get home from a long, tiring day! In the center of the city stood a large three-story building!

>>18474716
>Evening and light rain! Lights of Minerosa! Cars crowding the streets! People trying to get home from a long, tiring day! In the center of the city stood a large three-story building.
Fixed.

>>18474731
>Evening and light rain! Lights of Minerosa! Cars crowding the streets! People trying to get home from a long, tiring day! In the center of the city stood a large three-story building.
>Fixed!
Fixed

>>18474746
>Evening and light rain! Lights of Minerosa! Cars crowding the streets! People trying to get home from a long, tiring day! In the center of the city stood a large three-story building.
>Fixed!
>FIXED.
Fixed?

>>18469701
what about this was racist

>>18474837
He is plainly making a statement regarding his views even if it is not overtly racist.

>>18474888
clearly not tariq pilled

>>18468250
Drizzling rain fell from the night sky
radiant with the lights of Minerosa. The cars of worn out city dwellers flooded the streets. The three story MPD building was the centerpiece of the whole thing, regal and tall with its initials emblazoned on a large metallic badge above the door.
Statuesque and tranquil among the bustling nighttime city stood two figures before the building, a man and a woman. Six feet tall, dark skinned and darkly dressed, carrying a metal bo staff across his back, the man was unperturbed by the rain rhythmically pelting his bald head. Instead he stood straight and intentioned, a man facing his ultimate purpose with stoicism. The woman, a head shorter, wore a leather jacket with a lighting bolt emblem displayed on the back. The ends of her blonde hair were lightly soaked with rain despite her absentminded attempt to shield herself with a white umbrella. Silver eyes intensely focused on the MPD emblem above, she pulled from her jacket a picture as her mind raced in circles over her decision and what she knew was about to happen.

Wdyt? I assume the man is bald because his head is “smooth.”