/lit/ - Literature

Cakey mouths flap.
Eyes glaze, looking for eachother.
Drunk touch, ash tray.
Another glass. Our finest hour
Has surely passed.

reposting as i didnt get any replies

Vrangforestillinger i en Verden vendt på Vrangen:
Jeg ser Lyset med øjenlågsløse Øjne
Verden passerer gennem mit Forstørrelsesglas, indtil jeg bryder i Brand
Branden fortærer mit Kranie, jeg flyder ud i Verden
Ikke længere Menneske
Jeg er en Gud i fordærv

At vide er vanvid
At drukne er redningen fra Solen
Strømmen har ført mig Flodens ende
Og Solen har nu fordampet Vandet bag mig

Åh, min længsel efter at blændes af Mørket
I en Livmoder eller en Kiste

Men her er jeg fanget i Lysets Æon
Opløst i Verden og dog alene
Jeg er en Gud i fordærv


translation


Disillusions in a Disillusioned World:
I see the Light with eylidless Eyes
The world passes through my Magnifying Glass, until I catch on Fire
The Fire consumes my Skull, I flow into the World
No longer Human
I am a God in decay

To know is madness
To drown is to be saved from the Sun.
The stream has led me to the end of the River
And the Sun has now evaporated the Water behind me

Oh, my longing to be blinded by the Darkness
In a Womb or a Coffin

But here I am trapped in the Eon of Light
Dissolved into the World and yet alone
I am a God in decay

>>18437954
I remember your other work, this is just as youthful and metal-like


>Disillusions in a Disillusioned World:
>I see the Light with eylidless Eyes

Cool lines but not very heavy on imagery or the like, but it sounds cool.

>The world passes through my Magnifying Glass, until I catch on Fire

A utilitarian line, I think you only wrote this one to justify the next one.

>The Fire consumes my Skull, I flow into the World

Again, you’re going on that fire and skulls are sick, which I agree, but the narrative really isn’t growing, like music, you’re hitting us with nice little one liners.

>No longer Human
>I am a God in decay
>To know is madness
>To drown is to be saved from the Sun.

These demonstrate this point well.


>The stream has led me to the end of the River
>And the Sun has now evaporated the Water behind me

I would just play into your strength/your hand and not even try to make a coherent flow of images like rivers and then evaporation, I would also put more repetition to make it sound better.

>Oh, my longing to be blinded by the Darkness
>In a Womb or a Coffin
>But here I am trapped in the Eon of Light
>Dissolved into the World and yet alone
>I am a God in decay

Only thing I can mention is, if you desire to write it as a poem, put some more grounding in whats actually going on, make it a little story and not just these seemingly Stringed one-liners. Otherwise you have a knack for writing about cool things friend.

Unnamed Poem

during sunset I was straying
Silently the wood along,
the sound of a satyr playing
bound my feet, which paced to the song

AL LA AL LA AL LA AL

and before me danced with her bells,
a dryad whose skin was bark,
but she sang with tongues of birds; spells
in rhythm with each clang and spark

LA AL LA AL LA AL LA

So many niggers in these fucking threads who don't rate anything and just post their poems and then wonder why the threads are dying all the time, for fucks sake start engaging a bit and not only go for satisfactions of your confirmation biases

>>18438419
I agree with you.

>>18438336
You start off with a very definite four-stress line, based on trochees:

>During sunset I was straying
>Silently the wood along

which raises certain expectations in the reader's mind. Then you go all over the place:

>the sound of a satyr playing

The reader is going to try to fit this into the previous template —

>THE sound OF a SATyr PLAYing

— and fall over and break his leg.

If you want to stick with the pattern of the first two lines you could write it like this:

>During sunset I was straying
>Silently the wood along,
>While a satyr's music playing
>Bound my paces to the song.

>AL LA AL LA AL LA AL

>And before me with her bells
>A dryad danced whose skin was bark,
>But her song was birdsong; spells
>In rhythm with each clang and spark.

>LA AL LA AL LA AL LA

Still some imperfect stresses here but at least you give the reader roughly what you promised him in the first two lines.

If you *don't* want this, I think you have to make it more clear that you don't, otherwise it just sounds as though you slipped up. For example, you might want the triplet in "danced with her bells", since this cheery satyr is whirling round like a little munchkin. But the reader has to be able to trust that everything is done on purpose. The third line doesn't sound like that.

>>18438593
Completely fair, my intent didn’t come through so I think that means it’s garbage, my intent was, (since I usually write in a syllabic more resembling free verse) that it would begin with two regular lines and then the poem would, with him, be captured in the wild-song and thus abandon regularity, but if it sounds like garbage and doesn’t give that effect, then it is what it is, I’ll try another sometime with the same idea.

Thank you for the critique and even going as far as to modify it, I appreciate it! I liked your modifications. Also calling him a little munchkin made me chuckle Kek.

Written for a flight of imagination I saw once.


A hoary, gnarled tree clefts for me,
As the storehouse of heaven pours
A deluge, and churned is a sea
Of crashing; roaring waves of boars.
I hid from the hosts, in the lee,
My ramparts against the wild siege;
Marching boars, spears of water breach,
The monstrous hoards encompass me.
Thunderous bands, with the cloud’s screech
Rip, rend, burst and bore without end,
The train like lightning darts, and each
With the spirit of terror blend.
Among the arbors I drew near,
Yet, I am devoured by fear.

Bump

You place your lips close to mine;
You push yourself against me;
You let me feel you;
I move my hands around you, your body aches.

I raise your shirt, the touch is sublime,
My fingers search for you beneath the clothes.
You come to me.

I want more.

My face is between your thighs.
My world goes black
And as I struggle to breathe
My face goes red...
What a way to die.

>>18438593
>The reader is going to try to fit this into the previous template —
WRONG

>>18439957
Why not actually try ?

This is a crisis I knew had to come,
Destroying the balance I'd kept.
Doubting, unsettling and turning around,
Wondering what will come next.
Is this the role that you wanted to live?
I was foolish to ask for so much.
Without the protection and infancy's guard,
It all falls apart at first touch.
Watching the reel as it comes to a close,
Brutally taking it's time,
People who change for no reason at all,
It's happening all of the time.
Can I go on with this train of events?
Disturbing and purging my mind,
Back out of my duties, when all's said and done,
I know that I'll lose every time.
Moving along in our God given ways,
Safety is sat by the fire,
Sanctuary from these feverish smiles,
Left with a mark on the door,
Is this the gift that I wanted to give?
Forgive and forget's what they teach,
Or pass through the deserts and wastelands once more,
And watch as they drop by the beach.
>>18439957
Hot
>>18438951
You always write good stuff

The Fivefold Lust:woman is naught but a display case.

Thy mascara is the ash of dhumavati,
The charnel ashes of holocausted worlds
Adorn thy eye; the eclipsed sun and moon,
Within the Hell-maw of dread Rahu;
The beheaded dragon of death.

Thy perfumed scent is a perfume of amaranth,
Thy breath oblivion; the drug nepenthe,
Each vapor stains the Mind with deep crimson,
The very fire of vermilion;
I am anointed with warm blood.

Thy voice is the echo of fair Aphrodite;
An eidolon incantation of bird song;
The secret invocations to Bacchus
spoken by the mountains and the trees;
Heard only by initiates.


Thy flesh is a coral sun upon pure marble,
Pygmalion baptized in lethean waters;
Possessed by the scarlet demon of lust,
She, who danced the dance of seven veils,
The same who wore Salome’s flesh.

Thy kisses are the fruit of the tree of knowledge,
The taste of which, increased the hunger of man,
The taste of which, was the birth of terror,
The taste of which, is longing’s essence,
The taste of two, which become One.

>>18440879
Thanks!

>>18437688
Nice
>>18437954
Boring
>>18438336
Made me feel like I was in Arcadia which was cool. Agree with the other anon that the first 2 lines prompted me to expect a metre and was disappointed it vanished.
>>18438951
Too cumbersome
>>18439957
Hated it
>>18440879
Drags too long try using stanzas

>>18438951
nice meter, last 2 lines arent really that impactul imo and kind of waste the tension you build

>>18437681
Ban this
Jannie quick

Suck my dick

>>18442596
Didn’t even post porn

>>18442014
What metre?

>>18444339
iambic tetrameter

>>18444339
tetrameter

>>18438951
Why do all of you /lit/ poets keep writing these poems where you try to invoke some chuuni vaguely apocalyptic scene usually involving forceful verbs (rip, rend, sunder), stormy weather stuff, adjectives involving states of fear, ferocious creatures, spirits etc... like you're trying to be Shelley or the Byron of Manfred?

Chinese New Year

Confronted with the fact
Of universal erosion wiping the last memories of us from the face of eternity
We grab each other's shaking hands and quiver:
"may you become rich"

>>18444653
Iambic tetrameter? Doesn't really feel like it

>>18444676
I like to write and read about things I enjoy, that poem was actually inspired by a poem by Wordsworth, but in general, I do not see a reason why poetry shouldn’t be fantastical or extreme in aesthetic, there is a value, of course, to the lighter style of writing as found in the writing of haiku for example or the more delicate love poems and confessions, but I, myself, am a bug person through and through, if I write a love poem It has to be a poem in disguise, if I write a sonnet I want to create a miniature narrative with some actual flavor. I personally despise poetry about muh feels, the generic ironic-dirty poem and the contemporary issues poem. I much rather write something like this.

Winds softly Yawning, Gust tears summit
Talus, slammed down near russet topsoil,
Lungs slyphine earth heaved, dropping plummet!
tumbling gravel leaps, set turmoil!

lunging gaps, springing galant through hot
terrain, nomes slope-enclosed dash hastful,
lamently Yelp; pebbles sadly caught,
throb bob boulders smashing; grift thudful
Lapis slabs;

shattered dust twinkles shine,
every yowl lauds sabaoth’s stones;
sang, singing grimly, yon nature’s shrine
earthen, not tired! damn not tomb bones!

splendor rocks some early, yet the eye
external learns secrets, seen nigh.

Which is simply the story of some rocks falling, but made extreme by the angles and word usage, isn’t that a whole lot more fun than if I had wrote about why I like a flower or some feeling about a contemporary issue? And I think even if one writes about either of those, it should be steeped in allegory, other speech, all manner of enhancements to make it aesthetically pleasing.

>>18437688
no. sniveling garbage.
>>18437954
>To drown is to be saved from the Sun
is to cut strings and unhook eyes.
>In a Womb or a Coffin
womb is sun. coffin is drown.
>>18438336
no. millennial fandom fanfic. mouth closed like not impressed.
>>18438419
chuck your self before me danced with her balls. but she spoke in tongues. spraying untouchable waterfalls, a virginal song
>>18438510
stfu
>>18438951
>Among the arbors I drew near,
among us? sounds larpy.
>>18439957
>cunnilingus-1575282882.jpg
>>18440879
something's missing. rhymes perhaps.

***

think what
an Alchemical cup
think wot
an Alchemical pot

not the one that you blaze
but at your window close
perhaps birthing with grapes
or protecting the rose

either way
we are ontological letters
in the word

S N E E D
N N N N D
E E E E E
E E E E E
D D D D D

brain antenna tuned in
when low mana close to zero
'i don't know' limbo

>sneed

pentagrammaton perhaps
a newborn or reborn Lazarus
as fast as racing cars
doing drifts and tattoos
cars
fuck you

>>18445132
kinda cringe.. that kind of postmodernism is trite

An attempt at pastiche of Spenser and older English poetry in general.

o despair, eftsoones thy solemn face ycladde
with weolcans of a heben welkin,
eftsoones thou whimples the face of the glad,
thou dashes the multitude imps of sin,
thou scourges the vain, thou driveth them mad
with thine darts of sulphur and bitter sting,
thine poison which swallow’s the simurgh’s wing,
whether elfin king or bondservant’s lad,
just as hiemal hoary hell hauls the spring,
so must (even if seldom) each be cleaned,
it is meet that each and every thing
be clad with the sackcloth, be purged ye fiends!
for behold; is not the raiment of Dawn
russet, he himself is ebony hewn.

>>18445015
it's not iambic, just tetrameter
theres 8 syllables per line, it mixed stresses but there is definitely a meter

>>18445448
tetrameter means four feet per line. i guess you meant tetrasyllabic meter not tetrameter

>>18445541
read that poem again, there is clearly 4 feet for almost every line

>>18445541
>tetrasyllabic
octosyllabic* meter

>>18445549
what feet? it's just 8 syllables per line. it's not an accentual-syllabic metre, which is what tetrameter is

Thanks, I wanted the ending to basically end him and have the fear throughout the poem be the finisher

>>18444339
>>18445015
>>18445541
>>18445550
>>18445556

Yeah it’s a syllabic verse, I’m interested in trying to mix the biblical poetics and stuff on syllabic with English, since it allows you to have a good blend of freedom + restriction, I find the sound of certain words and positions is a good trade off for a stricter meter.

>>18445132
>To drown is to be saved from the Sun
is to cut strings and unhook eyes.
In a Womb or a Coffin
womb is sun. coffin is drown.

what are you talking about?

>>18445153
postmodernism is a buzzword itself. but I get the meaning: endemic not-seriousness, an adolescent mental illness. 'cringe.' however, I search for a place between that and a profound, deepened shadow; and there, in that breach, placing a few straight words which would accurately reflect the current-years time's signature. that is my idea of poetry: a shadow of everyday language which displays certain meaning-tones that are hidden when an earthly splendour (ambition, mere aestheticism, etc.) is in its full work.

>>18446396
>what are you talking about?
nothing of course what else. womb as a metaphor is close to a sun. coffin − to being drown. together they seem semantically incorrect.

T'was beauty in the midst of the wood,

no guile or deception directed,

just an enchanting figure projected.

Her body poised and against a tree she stood,

the flesh and skin course as wood,

yet lips lay rosy and eyes softened.

Whimsical winds sung poetry upon her body,

her fleeing scent drags me closer to honest,

beauty flees but I seek and nab the traces,

losing myself to unformiliar forest places,

and now I wait amidst the frozen forest.

>>18446411
that's just more cringe, sorry buddy. maybe when you grow up it'll sound better

>>18446700
>cringe
>postmodernism
>grow up
based

>>18446433
how are womb close to the sun as a metaphor?

>>18445132
You are ugly

>>18444676
its just him
>>18445111
nigga its derivative and feels fake and gay. you say youre a bug person but the poem constantly insists on certain emotions with melodramatic adjectives and outright stating the narrators feelings, which deflates any actual effect. then youre making out a false dicthomy where its either cheap knockoffs of bygones or
>muh feels, the generic ironic-dirty poem and the contemporary issues poem
>>18442596
could be smoothed out by taking out ban this or matching that with something like eat piss
>>18446592
>just
should be "but"
>>18444707
>universal
>last
id question if these were neccesary. maybe that line could be phrased better
>shaking
superflous when you have quiver. overall i love it but consider rhymning quiver and year like a last line that says "on a chinese new year." maybe thats dumb but i just wanted to say it

>>18437688
this is very sad and my condolences
>>18441334
this is also very sad and my condolences
>>18442596
lol
>>18444707
best in thread
>>18445132
Are you talking about Chuck's?

strategikon
---
What's love look like?
candid shot
Where'd the road go?
nothing not
Who fell asleep?
how did we get here and when's open shop

He said you got her number.
smile as i walk away
Feeling confident.
it's over
oh, but it's just beginning
The Earth will get me but it won't be by my own hand.

aurelius said stand up
Job still stood up.
noah floated and babel fell
God created light and didn't like what he saw.
in the middle of nowhere and the end of everything it spoke
"Did the money come?"

>>18437681
>I'll rate in the morning

Nothing new

I am old

The young I scold

Money I hold

I’m easily cold

I am old

You've been told

>>18450960
based boomer

>>18437681
Where does he find himself, The Poet,
Today, in the wreck of civilisation?
Dread and mediocrity, progress and barbarism
Nightmarish indifference coupled with feverish indignation
The paradoxicality of Being, now, is jarring
We are astray, every doctrine left to draw its final consequence
There is no more aesthetic justifications, only LARP's
No way to become a Joyce or Sartre
There is no longer a veil that can cover
The maddening heterogeneity of everything.
Aaagh, if I got laid I wouldn't be writing this, or writing at all

>>18450513
>Are you talking about Chuck's?
perhaps. or the neverland of restored bucks
>>18448846
I am ugly.
>>18447308
womb is heated unlike a coffin.
>>18446700
never grow up. picrelated
>>18446700
cringe is good actually, tis an essence of abjection: a non-imitator's protest. the abject slaps the wicked game to non-existence. oedipal games are abhorrent to the child and his play.

***
is there the truth
beneath the slime
dissolved and broken primal cry
sharp pain of first time seeing light
and being taken back to sleep
in formless void of dweeby meat
still something there of what has been
the contour of eternal real
that breaks the fog of slimy peels
indeed it shines in puzzled light
the paradox and yet divine

Noah was the first LGBT waving the rainbow flag
parallel umiverse doctor No. saying 'no' to all that was before
yes, it's his money in the bag:
bribes and lies that's how the business done
little gaslight to set you on course
their course to forgetfulness of the source
but these are just rhymes nothing more

>>18445415
This is pretty good. I mean obviously it goes ABBA in the 2nd stanza and then BCBC in the 3rd so it's not strictly a Spenserian Sonnet but it's still quite nice. I'm surprised no one has brought this up yet. I didn't read it aloud to confirm it's strictly iambic but it seems more than decent to me. The use of bondservant I particularly like.
Perhaps think about this line though as it's slightly confusing:
>so must (even if seldom) each be cleaned,

But nice job anon! Keep it up!
Just don't ever make me read Olde English again please. :p

>>18449145
Thanks Man

Bump

>>18437954
Det er okay men altså slap lige af

Another experimental poem.

A peace known in sleep and in heaven.

Forever more will pleasing psalms be sung,
And evermore shall children fall asleep;
So young, nevermore Will they be so young,
Soon they’ll see less and less, soon they will weep.
Let them see (though dimly,) things heavenly,
Like the sky’s rainBow and your daughter’s bow,
Like the magic hidden in a new toy,
Like the whole world seen, from upon a bough.
Laughter and peace remains for a moment,
Lemories marry with eternity,
When all is done, the fantasy of “old”
Will fade as but a dream, and perfectly
Youth’s sweet transience will be eternized,
And once more will we all become edenized.

>>18451922
Thanks anon! I was reading a lot of Spenser and I intend to write a bunch of sonnets based on but not in the Spenserian scheme. I think you’re correct about that line being choppy, thank you also for actually reciting it.

>>18455025
Whoops, >lemories

Kek

Forever more will pleasing psalms be sung,
And evermore shall children fall asleep;
So young, nevermore Will they be so young,
Soon they’ll see less and less, soon they will weep.
Let them see (though dimly,) things heavenly,
Like the sky’s rainBow and your daughter’s bow,
Like the magic hidden in a new toy,
Like the whole world seen, from upon a bough.
Laughter and peace remains for a moment,
Memories marry with eternity,
When all is done, the fantasy of “old”
Will fade as but a dream, and perfectly
Youth’s sweet transience will be eternized,
And once more will we all become edenized.

Watching your father
Hunched over a walker walking around in the yard
Is disgusting
He cackled and slurped his tea
So we never ate at the table
But now
Pathetic and weak
And impotent
I hate him and wish
We could go play catch in the yard

Bump

before i embark
there's laughterr
i do the jump jump junk
to the kitchen
oh hello there
hello there ohh
oh my kitchen
would i mindd the sandwich
no i don't do the mind
lol at mind games yes
first order of the day
is yelled at me
(why do the shout,i do ask
but anyway)
1i must post letter, any letter
to a certain william James
then the second order
yes i just lick the
box which receives the mail
the mail box
this i will not do
i say to myself immediately
final order
(this one is whispered
why? i do the ask
but i also do remain the silent)
i must sit in circle
but in circle by
myself, without hesitation
i embark on my
mission

>>18455968
sad, catcher in rye effed up by meme and b culture zeitgeist shit

>>18455034
so earnest, cute and sad, but also cute, I'd like to see a handwritten copy of this

>>18455025
not experimental enough, push the boundaries a bit mate, be more radical for fs sake

>>18453712
this one is good in its simplicity and originality, care to publish more work from your hand?

>>18451046
can you try to rewrite this one from a more plural perspective? would hugely benefit the rhythm and the multiplicity of your verse, make it a bit more spelling for us pls,

Sour note from string unknown
Bringing back time unlived
Gone? And now forgotten

>>18456702
Thanks!

>>18456707
I thought it was actually pretty experimental, I never use sentimentality so that was the first thing tested, my second experiment was seeing if you could produce a musical effect by placing non-adorned lines inbetween heavily ornamented ones, such as “like the magic hidden in a new toy” between rainbow-bow-bough, also replacements of rhyme with assonance, perhaps it’s not experimental enough in the broader sense, but I thought it was pretty different from my own work normally, otherwise was it fine?

>>18437681
I shook it but jizz wouldn't come out
I called mom but forgot she is mute
I went outside to jog the sun didn't cast my shadow
grabbed my friends wife he didn't hear her voice
I don't exist
I am a mirage of sperm retention and sexual assault

>>18456707
Yo leave my buddy to his larp. Dude having a 19 century phantasy

>>18456871
Try harder

>>18455034
I like this one. It feels soft and delicate.
However, I'm not a fan of the line "like the sky's rainbow and your daughter's bow." I think the repetition of bow throws me off. Maybe rephrasing a similar image could work better

>>18455968
I started off thinking I wasn't going to like it, but by the end I did.
> over a walker walking around
Maybe "walking" could be replaced by a stronger verb to add more imagery

Here's my shitty poem. I wrote it this morning so it's still fresh and I'd appreciate any feedback.

What?
The eternal question echoes out
Plucking the strings of the universe
Vibrating through aeons
Spreading sweet music
What are we?
Innocent curiosity gives way to undue demands
Expecting answers yet to be earned
Yanking at the strings
Stretched to their limit,
They snap in a discordant crash
What are we doing?
Accelerating
Accelerating toward an end

I am the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized
From victims who are seized by human traffickers and traumatized,
Which then is sold to wealthy entertainment personalities
As well as to democracies and sovereign principalities,
I’m very well acquainted, too, with other illegalities
Like blackmail, prostitution, bribery and such venalities
That cause attorneys general and magistrates to stand aside,
As well as cheerful facts about the spreadsheets central bankers hide!

I’m skilled at helping those both journalistic and juridical
Reject all exposés of these affairs as non-veridical,
In short, in matters by political corruption catalyzed,
I am the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized!

Chorus:
In short, in matters by political corruption catalyzed,
He is the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized!

When one has copies of the films of circumstances pleasurous
That make the prosecutor and the judge dismiss with prejudice,
When one knows the liaisons whose identities are classified
And understands precisely what is signified by suicide,
When one may look at governments then know that the decisions made
Involve the evidence recorded at a private masquerade,
In short, as one who knows the ways societies are compromised,
I am the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized!

In applicable knowledge of misdeeds I have facility
For coaching those who fear exposure of their culpability,
In short, in ev’ry aspect of my work that may be analyzed,
I am the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized!

Chorus:
In short, in ev’ry aspect of his work that may be analyzed,
He is the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized!

I’ve seen the inspirations for primeval orphic liturgies
And read the formularies reproduced with modern surgeries,
I know their underpinnings scientific and half-mythical
Set down in ancient histories masonic and pre-biblical,
I have the lists of names of those who lay the traps insidious
For wealthy influencers caught in photographs and videos
At parties held in secret for coercion of amoral guests,
Who want to keep from light of day the private aircraft manifests!

I’ve seen the movies shown to kings of industry and governance
Whose starring roles give codes to nukes their video equivalents,
In short, with colleagues who are all from prosecution immunized,
I am the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized!

Chorus:
In short, with colleagues who are all from prosecution immunized,
He is the manufacturer of blood that’s been adrenalized!

>>18458732
Haha! this one's a riot
Couldn't help but sing it in my head while reading it

I've been with this tune forever
Too few will lose its momentuous weight
Surrounding themselves in utter nicety

The discounted listeners aren't well-lessoned
Those few friends of mine in sweltering months
Of misunderstanding or mere confusion

You sigh and swing like I would with it
But the trouble in your brain conjures anti-images
Which really are disbelief above control

After the brief intermizzio, we lock eyes
You mirror my mirrored smile and continue gravely
Like lace through a thin keyhole

But what is my pleasure worth in any time
Let alone the time of shameful grief
Where couples collapse in the sham

>author's note: i really never write poetry so i don't feel obliged to give advice to you talented people, or else i would give more feedback. this is one of my few first attempts so really i'm seeking any kind of guidance

>>18437681
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQOvpLUoYxw

>>18458730
pretty cool poem, full of good ideas, but you could package it in a better way. rhyming is a good way to give more power to individual words. lines 7 and 8 feel unconnected to the music theme, "innocent curiosity gives way to undue demands" could be something like "curiosity crescendos into deafening undue demands" maybe.

>>18458732
this is really awesome, would love to hear you rap this lol

>>18437681
Hey, lit. English is not my first language and I would really appreciate if a native speaker could check if the last line in this stanza makes sense.
I want it to imply
"And doing anything we can
To answer questions that we cannot answer".
But it somehow feels like the "can't" in the end refers to "doing" in the line before.


And so we live in the confusion.
Hiding in fantasies, delusions.
And doing anything we can
To answer questions that we can't.

>>18459326
I'm >>18458730
Thanks for the feedback. I like your suggestion and think I'll try to rework my poem a little