/lit/ - Literature

The one in Oakville, fucking ages away.

I’ll try anything once, but hang on, I need to find toby he has my Xanax.

I get away from the stranger

Toby’s parents are away skiing in Whistler so he has their downtown condo on Bloor Street to himself from now until the New Year. It’s snowing hard and I'm coming down so I take a bump and resolve myself to finding my xans, I mean Toby. Maybe he’s upstairs. I make my way through the crowd, up the stairs and begin to follow the music, Perky’s Calling emanates from one of the bedrooms and he’s probably in there but I pass it and go into his sisters' room instead. Taylor’s away in NYC with her boyfriend so I root around her room, I don’t know why, until my eyes are drawn to her hamper. I lift the mesh top and rummage through the pyjama pants and old socks until I find her bunched panties. I unfurl them and find where her pussy must have been pressed. I put them to my nose but they smell like detergent. I search deeper, discarding socks and faded tees until I find a grey pair with a small pink ribbon on the front stained with yellow discharge. I inhale deep and despite the coke blood rushes to my cock and I'm almost instantly hard. I lap at the underwear and taste her then rub my precum on the stain and hang them off my bulging dick. I waddle across the room, pants around my ankles, panties hanging off my erection, looking for lotion, when the door opens and my racing heart almost bursts.

Mia comes in alone and sees what I'm doing. Without a word she removes her heels. She hikes her dress up and reveals her frilly Victorias Secret underwear the same shade of red as her dress and the bottoms of her heels and the Christmas baubles. She runs her manicured hand over her pussy and shimmies out of her panties, throwing them at the ground before me. She turns the lock behind her then leans against the door and slides down until she’s on the floor. Mia spreads her legs for me and rubs her clit in circles. I pick up her underwear and inhale deep, Taylors’ panties still hang off my cock, which at this point is harder than I think I’ve ever seen it. I close my eyes and draw deep breathes and mutter incoherently.

So pretty.

So tight and pink

You still love me?

Love me... love me fuck

Mia’s moaning now and starts whimpering Fuck me please but I keep inhaling and rubbing my cock until I finally open my eyes and she’s so beautiful in the pastel Christmas light, the arches of her foot exquisite, her red bra against her pale porcelain skin, the whisps of her blonde hair, it’s all too much and sets me over the edge. I shuffle towards her and she raises her head and presents her tongue and I finish in her mouth.

>>18372572
What the fuck is this? I stopped reading after I stopped laughing.

>>18372572
FOODIO!

>>18372592
u don't like it?

>>18372572
This isn't "work," it's the same sophomoric wanking that we all do when we first fledge from the nest

>>18372714
it's step one. anything u like? a line, half a sentence?

i geniunly like this shitty style of writing where you just shit out your wacky thoughts but yeah it's amateur. Read more Blood Meridian i guess.

>>18372762
don't like overwrought biblical prose

>>18372749
>anything u like?
No, not really

>>18372777
aight

>>18372768
Now check this out!

"It was all so very sad.
I also was damaged,
my mangled remains
were displayed for weeks
in a small art gallery
dedicated to avant garde
performance art."

2012/01/01

2128 W Grace StTampa, FL 33607 USA.

This fucking faggot there again. The mailer. I heard he had sex with a waterlemon and made a short film about that. Wonder if Montclair Film Festival heard of him. He did that bad thing also to a cashier at the store, tried to hit on her and when she made a remark on his poor hygiene he smacked her around for everyone to see. He smashed that bitch around and no one moved a finger. Fuck.

2012/01/05

Yesterday Costco called me and told me that they will not give me job. I had a scuffle with HR about 9/11.

2012/01/08

Montgomery. Montenegro. Shelfshock. Cultural shock.

2012/01/15

Wonder if my high school crush will like me after all those years. I called her a fat pig when she was pregnant and spit on her preggo tummy. Would do that again.

>>18372749
Your cheerful attitude towards accepting the criticism is probably the best thing you have going for you right now. Understand that you are going to write a load of trash before you get the hang of writing anything worthwhile. For now, don't write about sex without having sex would be the start of my advice.

I like your style eventhough it's still very amateur. Not a big fan of the plot or the general theme but that's just me.

>>18372844
there wasn't any sex mutual masturbation

>>18372852
thanks man. could i maybe ask you to be more specific? both on what you liked and didn't

>>18372871
oh wait i forgot he cums in her mouth, it was also suppo

>>18372836
it's dogshit and mines better ;)

>>18372613
no, Fuuuurio!

>>18372893
No it's not.

>>18372905
sure about that buddy?

>>18372572
>In my dream an Asian man in a suit blew his head off

Stopped reading here.

>>18373009
you might like the rest or find something to laugh at

>>18372572
The fact is, realistically, if you get right down to it, we both live in the same city. Now I know that might not seem like much, but on a more-than-a-surface-level-basis I understand where you're coming from to some extent. Have I ever tripped out on DXM from Oakville? No. Nor do I have the money for coke, nor do I have the money for an iPhone X. Further, we both go to McGill, that dreadful place where people from Toronto go because they've been procedurally alienated by how other people see them, that they feel somehow that something essential, undiscovered, lies below the bubbling film of personality attributed to them by others and that they need to get out desperately - like water choking you from the inside you need to get out - which is of course what you tell yourself. In fact, that school, the one you and I share, is nothing more and nothing less than a hellpit filled with washed up dredges of the middling-to-mid-high intelligence group told at one point in their lives that they were smart, that they had it in them for higher education, that the goal of being a doctor or lawyer was just a stone's throw away for them because they were so intelligent, they were so prepared. And as the thin veneer draws back on life and you begin to hate yourself more and more, and you find the world depraved, and you find yourself disgusted by your friends because you're supposed to be the smart one, and these people aren't smart, and the idea that you're not gonna make it scares the shit out of you, because these people, this two horse-town, won't hold you and is filled with people who aren't gonna make it and so you can't like them because then you might be like them. When you spent so many minutes on Wikipedia skimming the pages of great authors as they would depart for Cambridge and Oxford and where-ever else did you think that you might not be the student you once were through the brain fog from yesterday's weed, but McGill is sort of like those places...right? Wrong. McGill's a retirement home for drug addled former gifted students who peaked in high school and hated themselves enough to run away to a frozen waste, without having enough knowledge of the outside world to realize what a shitty idea living somewhere where it's always dark is.
Also waddup fellow McGill student what courses you in G. I know by the way you write you can't be more than second year.

>>18373358
i'm actually from london but have been to canada a couple times so wanted to write about there. The rest is pretty true though. worst part is i've already graduated with a lit degree, though i've never really written creatively. Just in school to get grades so i could move away. Mcgill is analogous to where i went here in the uk though, i'm not oxbridge material.

damn what the fuck is happening here?

>>18373424
4chan workshop

that entertained me
but probably bc I mingle with more normies than the average 4channer

many things are funny, no need for specific advice though. Just read more, and write more. This is more entertaining than the gay nick land excerpts people post and funnier than similar edgy writing I’ve read (its usually not funny at all and this is a little funny at the least)

>>18372572
>Me and Toby were both born on the 23rd and throw a party together every year.

Things like this give away an amateur, especially to readers/agents/editors. In this case, it's "Toby and I..."

The writing in general is a tier above most such writings posted on lit. Your sentences are varied in their structure. You weave strands together efficiently throughout given sentences, conveying description, atmosphere, exposition and character fairly effectively. (If anything it's almost too glib and efficient.) I wouldn't say read Blood Meridian; rather I'd suggest Proust.

You're knocking on the door, though, to my taste.

I liked it, shit was funny as fuck.

>>18375441
you think i don't know that technically it should be like that. it's intentional. a lot of people would say me and toby. if you and your friend toby went to pick up some crack would you say toby and i went to jamal to buy some cocaine with a side of baking soda?

>>18375481
thanks, appreciated.

>>18375441
Tboy and I were born on the 23rd and throw a party together every year. think that works better? took ''both'' out too.

>>18375299
Thanks. and yeah I am markedly more normie than the regular poster I imagine. I find spergs who devote inordinate amounts of time roasting each other for shit taste to be a good resource though, get a lot of useful shit out of here like book recommendations etc.

>>18372572
Furio looks like Chad Data

>>18375441
as for the glib part. I plan on writing the character to reflect whatever state he is supposed to currently be in. Here he's coked up at a party, and cocaine makes people glib, it also makes people assholes. searching someones room and sniffing there panties is funny but it makes you an asshole. later when he's sober i intend to make it less affectless and ''Less than Zero-y''. when he's high on weed i want him to be less wordy and more retarded etc etc.

>>18376076
who's data?

>>18376098
From TNG

>>18376148
defo the chad squidward version

does this work better?

Mia’s moaning now and starts whimpering Fuck me please but I keep inhaling and rubbing my cock until I finally open my eyes and she’s so beautiful in the pastel Christmas light, the arches of her foot exquisite, her red bra against her pale porcelain skin, the whisps of her blonde hair, It’s almost too much for me. I shuffle towards her and she raises her head and presents her tongue, but I don’t finish insider her mouth instead I gag her with her underwear. I run my hands down her nimble legs and caress her feet one after the other then put her heels back on them. I can’t help cumming, I try to get the last drops on her face.

>>18376044
I should add that it's written well enough that I enjoyed it and not just for the subject matter. It has a comfortable flow.

Would I read a full novel of it? Probably not, but I've only read a few novels in my life anyway. If people think that's a reason to disregard my praise, they can eat shit. I'm not comparing your work to the classics or a groupthink idea of "Good literature", I'm a raw uncultured human and I enjoyed it, I don't think it sought to achieve anything higher. I wasn't confused as to what was occurring and the prose wasn't repetitive or pedantic. It flowed comfortably in clearly describing the stimulating events.

Simply put, the writing itself didn't hinder my appreciation of the subject matter which was neither predictable nor incomprehensible or boring. As Goldilocks would put it, it was "Just right".

At the very least it was far better than the wank they fed us in high school, which was mostly neither interesting or well told.

You came here to be roasted by caustic teenagers and you got what you asked for. I don't know if there's a writer's club in your area amenable to such work, but the worst case scenario is that they ask you to leave, something Chuck Palanhuick has gone through repeatedly (He has a Joe Rogan episode where he mentions it).

You do you man, better your craft as you see fit, pick up tips you find worthwhile and discard the rest, it's your writing and you're either doing so for your own satisfaction or the market.

Thanks for the read and Godspeed.

>>18376590
I liked the original better, unless you have him gag her with the other chick's undies, then that would be wild. That said you can't really gag someone with undies anyway, maybe just say he stuffed them in her mouth like a gag. I don't know, you have a better vision of your story than I do, you tell it the best you can and others will like it or not, focus on technique not content, as technique can be improved by criticism, changing your content according to suggestions is just pandering and you don't want to pander your work to these fags.

I'm this guy BTW before some cunt yells "Samefag!"
>>18376704

>>18376729
yeah i thought of using the other chicks panties after i wrote that too. sweet yeah imma be a little more uncompromising with it, in terms of the content as you said.

>>18376034
>you think i don't know that technically it should be like that.

I didn't, it's perfectly fair for a reader to assume the author is making grammatical errors rather than the narrarator. The reader is the retard if they don't pick up on you making it proper upon switching perspectives to someone who should know better. To be fair, I didn't notice that. So yeah I didn't think you're dumb but I also missed the character being dumb as a result of coke either.

>>18376084
"Write what you know" is something I've heard a lot before. If you plan on making a character's mannerisms under the influence of particular substances believable, then you have to know this pretty well, either be introspective and have done all of these yourself or expose yourself thoroughly to people on such substances. There'll be readers out there who'll have first hand experience and call bullshit.

Without knowing how to portray it well, you risk writing a caricature of "Guy on x drug" which will read as cringe. Equally importantly you need to really flesh out that character so we know what the control is before you start applying different stimuli for it to feel genuine. For example, if a guy I know nothing about does meth and then gets into a fight, how would I know if the fight was the fault of the character, the meth, or the other guy?

Without the groundwork, the drug becomes the defining characteristic of the character doing them, which could be good if the point is how overwhelmed your narrarator is. However there has to be someone there in the first place before possession by a drug means anything.

>>18376729
BTW it's this guy again, I figured I'd run through the thread and give my thoughts on more than just the original text since you've been so engaged with the criticism. Like I said before, I like your story and I read it smoothly, pick up a few bits and pieces of technique to deliver it more efficiently are the only areas I can point to as the areas to improve that you asked for in starting the thread.

Reminder that I don't read much aside from people talking shit about the writing of others and I don't write much aside from adding notes on my phone about ideas for projects I haven't started.

Good on you for writing and for putting it out there, even if it's on a Tibetan whistle making forum.

>>18377014
thanks again for taking the time. I have done coke in the past, a fair amount of it actually, and this is how i personally reacted to it. though my reaction was different than most others, i rarely got the motor mouth rambling thing most people get on blow. I appreciate what your saying about it being unclear that the affect was a result of the coke, though i intended on later on making the reader more familiar with the narrators sober personality a little bit later. After this part in the party. My goal is for him to be a little mechanical and stilted in the beginning and then after you realise he's actually a lot nicer and not as much of a degenerate when he's not twacked out on cocaine. I also incessantly put notes in my phone and never write anything, this is pretty much my first go at anything that isn't literary criticism, which is all we did at university.

>>18377014
as for the not reading much thing. Celine said some people read themselves stupid, so i use that as an excuse for why i'm not as voracious a reader as I'm expected to be as someone with a degree in literature.

>>18377049
>>18377058
>i intended on later on making the reader more familiar with the narrators sober personality a little bit later.

Good to hear man.

> I also incessantly put notes in my phone and never write anything, this is pretty much my first go at anything that isn't literary criticism, which is all we did at university.

That's reassuring, I tend to beat the shit out of myself for not acting on them, this is really encouraging to hear from a uni graduate.

>Celine said some people read themselves stupid.

Also encouraging words, I'm 25 and lately have become aware of the horrifying gap between who I am and could've been after high school, this has me thinking I'm not so far behind everyone else at least.

Also I take it we're talking about the French novelist rather than Celine Dion, right? Regardless, it's been a pleasure reading your posts and offering my thoughts. Thank you for the good night, I'm an Aussie so I'm off to bed, have a good day and never stop writing.

>>18376034
Personally I considered it, in the same sense that the first sentence of prufrock is deliberately ungrammatical in almost the same way. But then I figured, that would be a retarded pretense. And it is writerly pretense as your narrator doesn't actually exist I'm afraid to say. He's also supposed to be educated enough to get into McGill so I presume a person like that wouldn't make that mistake. (Inb4 I know lots of idiot who go to McGill) Make him a Concordia student instead, then. I'm sure you're 'trying to make a point' with your incongruent and constant use of brand names (brands which wealthy, status conscious young minorities generally don't wear. In Montreal a person like that would shop at Ssense and they don't sell either of those brands. Not to mention, Besides bridal and runway Vera Wang doesn't make red cocktail dresses or whatever the fuck.)

>>18378371
you're a fag for knowing so much about dresses and i changed it to Alexander Wang. what do you mean your character doesn't exist? of course they don't lol what a retarded thing to say. Mia is a white girl btw, it's right there in the writing. she's also not from montreal and no where in there do i say she is. As you can see i've been a good sport with pretty much everyone, but unfortunately your just kinda retarded. Shit on me, but make sense when you do it.

>>18377306
>>18377306
thanks bro, never thought someone would be nice to me on 4chan lol