/lit/ - Literature

2/2

Yooooooo
That sucks man but I think that’s because of the way the author made it, it’s not an Amazon issue, but I may be wrong.

>>18291664
It is really funny how bad it looks

Amazing

>>18291581
WARNING: SPOILERS
"Call of the Crocodile" is the first installation in Gardner's breakout series of horror novels. The story follows its protagonist, a young boy named Faggot Gardner (no relation to F. Gardner, the author), as he searches the grimy streets of Chicago for "the Crocodile", a local leather daddy notorious for putting bad little boys like Gardner in their place.
Young Faggot Gardner searches high and low for the fabled dominant: in dilapidated crack dens, in public restrooms, in subterranean glory holes. Yet no matter how assiduously he searches, how quickly he moves from clue to clue, how many dirty men's toes he sucks (an activity constantly referred to in the novel as "pussing the boots"), Gardner seems always to be one step behind the object of his obsessive desire.
The twist comes near the end of the novel, during a scene reminiscent of Polanski's "Repulsion", where the beautiful Carole, played by a young Catherine Deneuve, finally descends into madness, and hallucinates human arms reaching out of the walls of her apartment and grabbing her, thereby externalizing her fear not only of sexual assault, but of any form of intimate contact whatsoever. F. Gardner (the author) parodies this scene, effectively turning its tone and implications upside down, by having his protagonist, the now cock-starved and desperate Faggot Gardner (again, no relation) crawl on his knees through a dark apartment, groping along the walls to find his way, only to feel, poking proudly out of the holes in the walls, not scary arms with grabby hands, but dozens of diamond-hard dicks. They poke him in the eyes. They shoot gobs of bitter gravy into his nose and ears. They wag reproachfully at him, like the index fingers of the stern private school teachers who buggered him in his earliest childhood memories, as he slowly makes his way to the end of the hall. The twist is this: when he finally reaches the end of the hall, and opens the door there, he finds himself staring into a blinding white light. He believes that when his eyes finally adjust to the glare, he will see there, waiting for him, horse-whip in hand, croc-skin chaps pulled snugly against his obese thighs, the man he has been seeking for so many days, seeking, in a way, for all of his life. But instead what he sees is a hospital room. He is lying in a hospital bed. The bright light is coming from the naked bulb above him. There is a nurse at his side, changing his IV fluids.
"Where am I?" he asks.
"Loretto Hospital," the nurse replies.
"I was eaten by a crocodile, wasn't I?" he asks.
"No," she says. "You were violently assaulted by hundreds of corpulent and diseased men, with disgusting rotten teeth and putrid breath. That's why you smell like corpses and semen."
"No," he says firmly. "I was eaten by a crocodile. It caused my family to go insane. I'm going to write a novel about it, and force people to read it."

>>18291581
You should get the limited edition version with the inverse-colored cover. I don't have mine with me so I can't post it.

>>18291677
love this pasta so much

>>18291581
>>18291648
>zoomer doesn't get the trve kvlt diy aesthetics of F. Gardner
You don't deserve the book.

>>18291683
where can i buy this?

>>18291581
You're an incel, Frank.

>>18291693
They're not available on his site anymore? Damn, must have sold out quick. Maybe you can find a used one on ebay, but I doubt many people will be willing to part with theirs. It's a proper-sized stitched hardcover with excellent quality paper and printing. A preface about the influences and his writing/thought process. Also an afterwards going into detail about the setting, plus a nice illustrations section.

I've seen people post the covers on here a lot.

Gardner, if you’re here, can you please try to find someone who will publish the books in a higher quality, since you know now that people will order them?

>>18291731
Holy shit, is that actually him?

>>18291677
holy kek
this is fucking gold

>>18291818
what this anon said.
I'm seriously going to return it unless I find out here it was his intent for it to look this way.
3/5

>>18291919
4/5

>>18291928
And to top it off, THIS is the OTHER book I bought off of Amazon. So I guess I'm making at least one return either way...
5/5

>>18291935
kek

>>18291928
Jesus Christ that dialogue

>>18291669
Imagine having it out as your coffee table book.

This honestly just makes the memes even better. Ordering a copy right now.

>>18291741
He said he’s making it a limited release for some retarded reason. This is going to become a valuable /lit collector’s item. Calling it now.

>>18292366
Just tell me from where I can buy this shit. I hate it so much, it’s terrible, but I need this piece of regrettable history

>>18292524
You’re kidding right? There’s constantly Amazon ads for them here.

>>18291731
>Gardner starts spamming the board around the same time forest anon threads begin getting hit with waves of hate.
>recent suspicions on here as of late that Gardner is the one who has been doing the spamming.
>*checks article*
>Article Reads: "Gardner [on trying to become commisioner of his water district] said his brief and enjoyable time as a volunteer at the Forest Preserve District of Cook County during his senior year of college sparked his desire to take his love for nature beyond forest hikes and turn it into a job."
>Gardner: "My passion [and] my zeal for the environment have always been great and I thought, ‘What better way than actually getting involved and getting actual hands on experience?’"

Now I really think he does have something to do with shitting up the forest anon threads.

>>18291677
LOL

>>18291919
Lol he didn't even bother making a contents page. What an idiot.

>>18292366
I still haven't gotten around the getting Tundra yet.

>>18292654
remember he made that /lit/ board game and killed off forest anon and declared himself the winner.

>>18291581
Independently published books always look like this. Its like there's only one template for DIY bookmakers and for some reason it's 15.7cm × 22.5cm and extremely poorly cropped, often fragmented/noisy cover art since it was blown up massively to fit those proportions.

Let this occasion serve as a purpose to issue a PSA for everyone to never order something from CreateSpace Independent Publishing.

>>18291919
>says serif
OMEGALUL

>>18292737
Yes anon. Only consume mainstream books like Harry Potter and watch Marvel movies.

>>18292737
Amazon KDP lets you order proof copies before you publish. This is 100% Gardner's fault for being lazy/retarded. It's not like he couldn't have just taken another 5 minutes to make a new crayon drawing with the right proportions

>>18291919
clean your nails

>>18291581
Never heard of a coffee table book? The works of F. Gardner (PBUH) are not meant to be put on a mere bookshelf next to lesser novels. They’re to be placed proudly for all to see.

>>18291581
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>>18291928
This is what cheap print on demand books look like. I accidentally ordered one of these (for fucking Ulysses of all things lol) and it's unreadable. (Yes I returned it)

But to answer your question, yes that's what it's "supposed" to look like.

>>18291731
>F. Gardner has run for office before

What the literal fuck?

>>18292752
Retard. I got an independently published copy of Jerusalem Delivered, it's tragically formatted and comically misproportioned. You should see the same DIY publication of Samson Agonistes or Paradise Lost: once again, the dimensions of the book: they're so wide and tall that it cuts either poem down to a mere 25 pages which also makes the book so thin that the spines are even labeled.

>>18292759
You think he would get a proof copy when he can't even proof read? Heh

Why the fuck do you guys keep giving this faggot attention? You do know that’s exactly what he wants right

>>18292787
Spines aren't even labeled*

I'm debating just burning them since I got a proper complete volume of Milton.

>>18292790
Because he’s one of us.

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>>18292800

>Dearest /lit/
>Did you know my name is Frank Edward Gardner Jr? I am 32 years old, a registered Democrat and a derp faced faggot who calls myself an author and spams my YA trash on 4chan. I am named after my father Frank Edward Gardner Sr. who was a former envirommental attorney before becoming the water reclamation district commisioner of Cook County. He even tried to sue Fox32 TV station once! I tried to run for the same position as my nepotist daddy when I was 27. My mother's name is Kathleen Mary Gardner (Her maiden name was O'reilley before she gave it up to marry my rich city government lawyer daddy). I live in River Forest, Illinois. My location information is readily available online for all of those anons out there who have finally gotten fed up with my incessant shill campaign over the last few months.
https://www.dailyherald.com/article/20140210/submitted/302109981/

https://mandellmenkes.com/court-dismisses-defamation-claim-arising-from-tv-news-report-on-metropolitan-water-reclamation-district-candidates-campaign/

https://southsideweekly.com/something-in-the-water/

>>18291677
God damn that was hilarious

Yea my copy looks like that too. I think it’s supposed to. These books keep getting stranger and stranger. I was expecting a normal sized book and I got....a meme sized one. I suppose it’s fitting.

>>18291581
>Dearest /lit/
>Did you know my name is Frank Edward Gardner Jr? I am 32 years old, a registered Democrat and a derp faced faggot who calls myself an author and spams my YA trash on 4chan. I am named after my father Frank Edward Gardner Sr. who was a former environmental attorney before becoming the water reclamation district commisioner of Cook County. He even tried to sue Fox32 TV station once! I tried to run for the same position as my nepotist daddy when I was 27. My mother's name is Kathleen Mary Gardner (Her maiden name was O'reilley before she gave it up to marry my rich city government lawyer daddy). I live in River Forest, Illinois. My location information is readily available online for all of those anons out there who have finally gotten fed up with my incessant shill campaign over the last few months.
https://www.dailyherald.com/article/20140210/submitted/302109981/
https://mandellmenkes.com/court-dismisses-defamation-claim-arising-from-tv-news-report-on-metropolitan-water-reclamation-district-candidates-campaign/
https://southsideweekly.com/something-in-the-water/

>>18292905
Fuck off Gardner.

>>18291731
I see his face and all i see is the "Law and Order" series logo

>>18293006
I’m guessing his family were big fish in small pond leading to him not getting bullied enough in his private school. Shame.

What’s with this?

This is brilliant. He found a way to make the paperbacks even more memeable. But I’m not even sure it’s intentional

>>18292800
This. He’s a pretty cool guy.

>>18296489
Fuck off Frank. You shill.

https://uspto.report/company/Frank-Gardner

>>18296547
Why do you hate him so much :(

>>18296558
Because I hate anyone who shits the board up with constant spam for as long as he has. But I hate fat spoiled rich 32 year olds who live at their parents' house even more.

>>18296558
It's clearly simple jealousy for these people. This board is filled with failed writers. F. Gardner is living the kind of life they wish they had. To top if off they're cowardly hiding behind anonymity while Gardner is a public figure. Ironically they’re only giving him more publicity and humanizing him.

>>18296589
Did you know his dad donated $4,200 to his own campaign?

>>18291683
This would be neat. I like those more than the normal covers.

Anyone know of any self publishing outlets that offer good options in terms of the finished aesthetics? I want to publish a novel I’m writing and I’m much less concerned with who buys it then I am how with how sexy it will look on my bookshelf

>>18296700
I like this one

>>18297139

>>18297139
Best one

>>18291919
>tense switching within the first two paragraphs

Self-publishing should be punished with crucifixion

>>18292366
>/lit
sup gardner

>>18291677
> The twist is this: when he finally reaches the end of the hall, and opens the door there, he finds himself staring into a blinding white light. He believes that when his eyes finally adjust to the glare, he will see there, waiting for him, horse-whip in hand, croc-skin chaps pulled snugly against his obese thighs, the man he has been seeking for so many days, seeking, in a way, for all of his life. But instead what he sees is a hospital room. He is lying in a hospital bed. The bright light is coming from the naked bulb above him. There is a nurse at his side, changing his IV fluids.
this is gold

>>18297925
>I’m getting called Gardner now

Kek

>>18298416
Same

>>18291581
I find it easy enough to conceptualize a person who wants to write a book, but who just doesn't understand grammar or spelling sufficiently to do so. It's harder for me to put myself in the mindset of someone that doesn't understand the basics of writing, yet puts together a "novel" despite this fact. What completely baffles me, however, is the idea of someone who writes such a "novel" and is so delusional that he not only publishes it, but furthermore shills it constantly, trying to swindle people into actually paying money for his unreadable tripe. Yet F. Gardner is such a person.

Take a look at the free sample provided by Amazon and you will see that Gardner, buffoon that he is, managed to include a typo in the very first paragraph of this book ("riffle," when he clearly meant to write "rifle"). To prove that this is not an isolated incident, the second paragraph contains an error as well ("ready's his aim" should be "readies his aim"). Scroll at random to any paragraph in the free sample and you've got better than even odds that it contains something objectively incorrect. And all that's putting aside the garbage quality of the writing generally, even where Gardner manages to string some words together without falling flat on his face. Any positive review of any of Gardner’s books must be the product of Gardner himself, someone he’s paid, or someone just doing it for the memes.

There are so many books out there; you have no reason in the world to read this one. Choose something at random off of Project Gutenberg and I guarantee that it will be an improvement. Even if you pick something that is written in some language you don’t speak, you’re better off reading that than wasting a single second on this dreck. 1/5, and I wish the Goodreads rating system allowed me to go lower.

So many typographical errors. Very sloppy & shocking from Mr. Gardner.

It looks like perfection.

>>18299396
YOU look like perfection

>>18291731
He looks like a nice dude :)

>>18299413
:)

>>18296603

>he ran for office and makes movies and writes books and lives in a big house and his dad loves him

Seethe.

>>18291648
That is one chad book description.

>>18296603
I don't really care because I'm an actual human and not some turbo obssessed schizo freak lol

>>18291648
kek, did you order the large print edition?

>>18291677
kek