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/lit/ - Literature

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18040843 No.18040843 [Reply] [Original]

Someday I want a memory again
Of an adventure I never went
Somebody when I feel some beauty again
Let it be of something I have felt
Of rivers and grass, mountains and pass
Under a clear, blue, oceanic sky
Of music on strings by folks who live far
Where they don't even feel any melancholy
Someday I want a memory again
Of an adventure I never went

>> No.18040885

>>18040843
it is not bad
but quite some "basic bitch" stuff

>> No.18041109

>>18040843
I like your instincts. Could use a little polishing, but you have a good sense of composition.

>> No.18041115

>>18041109
Also I wouldn't trust people who never felt melancholy to make good music

>> No.18041134

>>18040843
Not very good.

>> No.18041322

what does "Somebody when I feel some beauty again" suppose to mean?

>> No.18041384
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18041384

>>18040843
I like your poem anon, keep going.

>> No.18041424

>>18041109
Thank you. Will write better :)

>> No.18041428

>>18040843
>grass
>pass
never use rhymes this easy dude, it's cringe

>> No.18041430
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18041430

>>18041384
Thank you, anon!

>> No.18041437

>>18041428
I wasn't exactly going for sophistication. But you are right

>> No.18041465

>>18040843
is it kinder to deceive you or to avail you of having to live a lie?

>> No.18041517

>>18040843
its pretty lame. no voice stylistically, no interesting turns of phrase, banal nature imagery with tired cliches (clear, blue, oceanic sky), toneless, diction is high school level. on top of that, the central idea is trite. 15/100, you tried i guess