/lit/ - Literature

I finished my poem. Thoughts?

A Man’s Mirror

He looks upwards to find but himself in disguise,
watching on, anxious, as his flood drowns his skies.
Fleeing through the clouds in endless ascension,
a stumbling search for peace or redemption.
His road to Calvary will not lead to Heaven,
for he has thirstily taken and not given.
The burden of his sins too heavy to bear,
nailed to his fate, shedding a scream of prayer.
But he remains alone, until he is no more,
at last, sacrificing his life in this great war.
And who for?

>>17943977
Really simple. Doesn't make me feel anything. You're being so nebulous that it feels like the poem doesn't even mean anything to you. Everything poetic in it feels dead simple. This is something I'd see written in a high school freshman English class. It's not terrible, and I think most of this is just a lack of experience. Keep writing anon, if it makes you happy, keep doing it. Read and write, that's the only way to get good. And remember that every writer is just a different flavour of shit on some level. No one's perfect.
Here's mine

>>17944088
This one's covered in unintelligible writing, and I haven't retyped it, so I'll just write it here
>Marmara

road
by road
by road
I walk
and talk to myself
about inane things
that never happened
or ever will happen

I don't look when I cross
out of fear
that a car might not hit me

sometimes I pass someone,
two ships meet at sea
we don't change words
only passing glances.

one asks me if I have
a cigarette
no,
I say
with genuine sorrow.
he nods

and like that
I've made
and lost
another friend,
and taken a thousand other
insignificant adventures
in the night.

bored and depressed
looking for something to do

怪物は
葉を喰っている
俺の亀

Brilliance lays on the sea floor.
Oh dignified coral reef.
Perform an oration with your vivid hues.
Declare the ingenuity of the Octopus.
The darting eels and stationary sponges.
Of all the defiantly curious crustaceans.
Dazzling with swift cut appendages!

Clams cultivate your kingdom.
Repetitious arrays of seaweed sway with elegance no salt could preserve.
Rocks rest like contents of the opulent Gallions, all strewn across the ocean floor.
How indignant they all are.
Resting untouched, yet tarnished and corroded.

Your diaphragm awakens a vibrant cacophony.
Graciously dancing in great swills of current.
Precious jewels of the ocean plucked like sun ripened fruit.
Let sink slowly into the bleakness, where no hands will disturb.
All desolate, all sublime.

>>17943977
First things first, it feels utilitarian and by that I mean, like it’s a poem I would find to pretty up a prose piece which would load the poem with more value by association with a character/narrative.

The rhymes/half rhymes sound rather nice and aren’t too distracting from the overall poem so I think they assist with the flow. I would try to cut some of the abstract aspects down, a stumbling search for peace or redemption doesn’t actually produce any mental images and isn’t worded in a rhetorically powerful/pithy way.

Thirstily taken sounds ugly.

>>17944846
I think it’s cute, the subject matter with the attempted older language is nice but I would cut down a bit on a few of the lines, ingenuity, repetitious and so forth while fun to say kinda act like a filler for the poem, they don’t produce enough to keep me interested.

The how indignant line as a whole can just be removed.

All in all I liked it and think you should keep writing to refine a bit more.

A three page story I wrote packed with various poems in it.

https://pastebin.com/GbbtBTY9

>>17943977
The tone is right I think. It makes it sound humble and honest, but I just don't like the way God is portrayed by this
>>17944088
Not my style but flows nicely.
>>17944846
>>17945825
They both read well, but I don't get the message or story they're trying to tell.

>>17946543
Here's a couple parts from two different poems, if anyone could give some feedback

Far, far in the remote forest,
Where the trees are bloated sickly,
Smothered by the thorny briers,
Where things move through bushes quickly,
And no songbird's songs are chorused,
The stinging thistles burn like fires,
There dark flowers haunt the florist,
Even the air there's sharp and prickly.

It is a region which all know,
And excites both fear and wonder,
The brave young boys talk of those woods
As a place to map and plunder,
But far inside they do not go,
And give up all prospective goods,
Because the rustling sounds there grow,
And frightened, they call off the blunder.

bumping with zhang because these threads die too quickly

>>17943974
As the sun sets

What's left to do
But you
>>17943977
To long
>>17944149
I like the subject. But it is devoid of rhyme.
>>17945825
meh. Kinda lazy. Could use polishing

>>17948520
>But it is devoid of rhyme.
Do yoy mean its structure is bad, or do you literally mean that it doesn't rhyme. Because, no shit. It's not supposed to

>>17943977
You have an eye for imagery, but I dislike the rhyming (totally arbitrary, but hey.) You might find utility in either loosening your prose (free verse, more creative use of line breaks and punctuation) or tightening the verse (using traditional forms.) Otherwise this is what I would call doggerel.

>>17944149
This is quite good. The use of repetition in the beginning is delightful, you should use more of that technique in the rest of the piece. There are some cliches, but ultimately this does not ruin the poetry (I simply hate hearing poetry about cigarettes.) It is very 'contemporary' in a certain sense.

>>17944846
Another anon referred to this as 'cute', I would have to degree. It is quite similar to some pieces I have written when trying to get a feel of folksy, religious, even 'pagan' feel. I think you can be a little bit more creative with imagery.

>>17945825
This is pretty good. The rhyming comes off as slightly 'amateurish in my opinion, almost like a slam poetry cadence (not that slam poetry is amateurish, but I digress). However I enjoy how you have structured this poem, and how the line breaks and indents convey a sort of rhythm in-and-of-themselves ('But it's not far away / for long' and 'not a gift from god / to me' are particularly potent examples.)

>>17946558
In the image you posted, I dislike the rhythm greatly. However I enjoy the foot imagery (the same reason I love the poem 'Your Feet' by Pablo Neruda.) You do however have a nice eye for imagery (which is important), and I think you would improve by loosening or tightening your meter (either going for a more experimental feel or a more traditional one.)

>>17948520
I like the minimalism. But the simplicity does not convey much -- you should leave more unsaid.

>>17949195
I realize I made a bunch of weird grammar mistakes in this. I probably should not give poetry critiques after smoking weed if I'm not going to be even remotely coherent...

a marigold is growing
between the muddy cracks
of the sidewalk,
dodging footsteps and eyes
but I see you,
I see your struggle.
you are a sun shining
between concrete;
whose beauty transcends
the mud you grow in.


I see you when I walk
to my lecture
every day at 9 am
and I see myself in you.
I tried to take in the sun,
but I was alone, marigold,
through my formative years,
hiding in bathroom stalls and
visiting inpatient wards.
but I grew despite that,
I blossomed into someone I can love.
we are cut from the same chaff.


I expected to see you
on my walk this morning,
but instead,
I saw a consuming man
pluck you from the earth
smell you, then
toss you
away.


my walks to the lectures
are marked with longing
to see your roots
sprout again.


>>17944149
I like this. I don't get the repetition of "by road," and your metre is really flat in the first part.
The pacing is sorta poor, but the feeling is there and it's quite palpable. 3/5, down the middle.

>>17946558
It's alright. It's really dense, but there's not a lot of substance to back it up. It's trying too hard to be whimsical. 2/5

>>17943977
You're clearly referencing the crucifixion -- but there's nothing really new said and you haven't really made me feel anything by this.
It sounds sorta pretty and looks nice -- lines are all the same length with some variation which makes it look older, which is clearly an aesthetic you're trying to pull off.
The rhyming scheme is extremely juvenile. It ends abruptly and there's no catharsis. 1/5

>>17949378
Your poem is kitsch. And you are a liar. The flower is not like the sun. You did not feel that. You felt something like "This place is dangerous for a flower, but you survived. The sun shines mostly on concrete, but also on you. We are not so different, you and I". But you douse your words with sugarwater. Stop doing that. If your girlfriend stood beside you or, if you are gay, Rimbaud, and you saw that flower and felt something: what would you have said in that moment? You would not have called that flower "a sun shining between concrete", or would you. I hate your style. Artificiality lacking genius. Would you read that poems to your friends? Why not? It is not good. It is not what you felt, not what you would have said, but something created for vanity's sake. Writing a poem is fine. Writing a poem that tries to make you seem like somebody else is posturing. Don't try to seem poetic. Just be you. Your own words, without any poetic straining, said in the moment, are more poetic than all the poems you have written.

no one has heard me in my cry,
my beads of virgin coral fall,
as a black bird crows, I am crowned
with the winter’s black diadem,
as the laurel falls, the oil dries.

my soul coils into myriads
of meaningless shapes known to none,
emptiness breathes upon each toil,
my dry tongue sticks to my mouth’s roof
and my each breath dies to my toil.

i was stung when I past the reeds,
the dark waters entered my bones
and fell out as tears, which like seeds
of sadness marked my face with ash,
and as the seeds grew, ash turned black,
my face fell ash pale and then black.

I dwell with a black diadem
as night crowns my head with darkness.
i know the black abyss of hell
is nothing but my soul’s own spell,
my soul is the hell of sorrow

>>17949378
>a marigold struggling
>in the besotted mire
>on the muddy sidewalk
>shirking giants, their bouquets . . .
>I can see you
>You struggle
>Dying sun in concrete
>That brightens the void;
>In this creation you transcend
>The builder’s dust, golden one
The timeframe for growing is imperceptible, “A marigold IS growING” is hardly efficient; downstream of this results in enjamblements. Pare it down, look at the image(s), and aim to be suggestive — less explication. Latter 2/3ds of second stanza is cringe; cut at the latest after
>... alone, marigold
cut straight to third & consolidate — lead with its absence then the wasteful plucking.


>>17949454
>Why not? It is not good. It is not what you felt, not what you would have said, but something created for vanity's sake.
This. To have observed this - within or without - and articulate the desire/beauty/moment requires more than enjambment prose empiricism

Be kind to me, I know my poem is a bit chunk, but this is the first poem I wrote that wasn't for highschool english. It's in iambic pentameter

When hope and day abandon man to die
In lands now cast into eternal night
The gentle moon in darkness climbs the sky
To shine upon the world its final light

The lords of ruins raising banners torn
Shiver for warmth at their cold fading pyres
Only ruling the ash in realms forlorn
Without the fuel to kindle further fires

As even beams of Luna start to fade
And mortal hearts are seized towards despair
All stand ensnared in fear of creeping shade
And pray to God to send another flare
When frost has come at last to quench your hearth
Don’t face the end with dread, but smiles and mirth


>>17944088
Maybe I'm just a Philistine but your poem seems more like stream of consciousness prose than poetry

>>17946558
I like your poems nice and bucolic. Some of the lines are awkward though like "She played there in a white gown, green". Peep is a very odd word to end the poem with as it doesn't match the tone of the rest of the poem.

recall the tribe of anglo saxon
who held saint george in every bastion
whom providence had widely scattered
whose tongue was strewn wherever mattered

>>17949195
>But the simplicity does not convey much
It paints a picture. Its not ment to be profound or anything.

>>17944149
>Marmara
fuck marmara. fuck everything about it

>>17949878
You can either take the critique or ignore it -- no need to defend it, that's not in the spirit of recieving and giving critique.

>>17949878
dont listen to them. theres backlash against minimalism on /lit/. if youre the feet poet, sometimes your poems can be further polished but this one is pretty good. the value is in the funny abruptness and subtle implications. both fly over mosts heads here
>>17949875
good as it is. you could write a second verse with the same shape or the opposite shape to mirror this.
>>17949592
good. we both know that those last two lines dont fit though. you could write a fourth verse with a similar line length and syllable count to the others.
>>17949546
>my tongue sticks to
>beads of virgin

>seed
>marked my face

>I dwell with a black
>i was stung

>bone
>entered my
>black abyss

heheh. anyways
>my soul coils into myriads
>of meaningless shapes known to none
>emptiness breathes upon each toil
reminds me of dna. theres potential there
>>17949378
improved considerably just by removing and altering
>you are a sun shining
>whose beauty transcends
>and I see myself in you.
>I blossomed into someone I can love
into less cliched and more subtle lines. it feels like the relationship between the narrator and the flower, takes a backseat to the metaphor. the death of the flower is sad. the flower was his friend. him seeing himself in the flower should only be implied. if it just stated the tip, the iceberg would be a lot bigger. also if its adressing the marigold, it shouldnt start with refering to it in third person
>a marigold is growing

>>17949546
also cut down a line from the six line one right now

>>17949195
I can see what you mean by the meter. I'll try a couple variations.Thanks
>>17949378
Which poem is whimsical? I posted parts of two different poems. And what do you mean by lack of substance?

Also, I don't enjoy free verse very much so I don't have much to say about your poem.

>>17949592
Yes, peep is a little awkward, but it is not the final line, I only posted part of the poem. Thank you though, It still needs a lot of work.

>>17949592
The poem sounds like it wants one more couplet at the end. Have you read Darkness by Lord Byron? Very similar story.

>>17949875
It sounds like it needs another stanza to say something more impactful. Also try replacing the first word "recall" with a stronger one. perhaps "all know" or "Remember him, the anglo saxon", in general you could replace some of the more passive words like strewn with more impactful, stronger vocabulary to make it more active.

The old bitch just backfired
Had her throttle wide open
The smell of freedom

First haiku

>>17951399
this is terrible critique. You're just rewriting it

>>17951520
I'm just giving examples of what I mean. I think it would be better with more active langauge and so gave a couple examples. What's wrong with that?

>>17950474
>>17951362
It's an English Sonnet so the final couplet is supposed to be a turn from the rest of the poem. And I actually did read Darkness by Lord Byron around the time I wrote the poem so I undoubtedly was influenced by him.

>>17951724
I don't think the turn is very significant. It's unconvincing and gives no reason behind it. Usually love is the subject and reason for the turn, so in this case it feels weak. I did miss that it was a sonnet at first, but generally, sonnets are very hard to write well, and although they aren't exclusively meant for love, they often work best when the subject is love.

>>17951833
So you think it would be better to just go for two lines that cap off the poem but don't jerk it in a radically different direction?

>>17944149

I quite like it. Some parts didn't work for me, though, like the ships and not looking out of fear. It was a bit too cliche for me, unlike the cigarette one and with that I disagree with another anon. Sure, it's "contemporary", but decidedly different than the usual "smoke my cigs, life sucks dicks".

Also, the ending feels unfinished. Sure,the intention was probably for it to end abruptly, but to me that wasn't clear and it feels like there is more to say.

Other than that, good job!

I used to think.

Real eyes see real lies.

But now.

Now I think.

Real eyes see real flies.

lol.

I am naked

My dick is fully erect

This is not poetry

I'm literally just telling you what is happening

I am naked

I am in my backyard

And I am fully erect

>>17943974
Of all said words in history
Wrought from tongue and pen
None has been so sad as these
That /pol/ was right again

>>17953056
So he swallowed the red pill
didn't heal but suddenly took ill
his mind overcame with Hitlers will
now he seeks for niggers to kill

>>17949884
Like, the sea?
>>17952991
Thanks anon. I added the last stanza in the second draft, and I haven't really revised it, so I know it's real iffy. I wanna make it feel abrupt, like you said, but I can't really pin down how to make it feel punchy at the same time

>>17953036
Best in the thread

>>17952286
Yeah, I don't think the story of the poem fits with the sonnet structure, or at least the way you told the story doesn't fit with it. Obviously it's up to you, but try to add another couplet or change it and see if you like it more that way. As a sonnet though, I don't think the turn works.

>>17949454
>actual good critique on /lit/
Well done lad!

>>17951487
I actually like this, could be worth exploring outside of a haiku too.

>>17949546
Oh Frater, what will I ever do with you? I think you do a good job with helping the homoerotic to shine through in this piece at least!

This will be the final time I post this piece in one of these threads, I will post something new next time.

>>17954234
I don't know the merits of different structures so I just write everything as a sonnet lol

>>17951487

The meter is wrong, yours is 6-7-5

In silence there are no verses,
only conversations and sighs,
loud and loudless, clear.

Silence is some punishment in which a punishment is thought.
Beings shown as they are, turned to stone, worthless in silence.

And the drinks are unclear, where they lead us,
when there is nowhere to be led.
When there are no comrades
away from this table
and don't put in effort
to kiss the pain inside.

Silence is sick, it is,
in silence you're sick,
sighs like chains, thick,
yet, you are preserved
in yourself.
Silence is, to soul, a hearth.

>>17944088
I like the stream of sensations, I also find the unusual use of substantives ("moaning sweet nothings") something pretty cool. Sometimes the action speaks for itself, and speak a lot of things in different moments, at different people.
>>17944149
I related a lot with the theme, used to wander all over the city, inside the college campus, taking random bus lines, seeking unconsciously for something to do. At the same time, I learned to appreciate the surroundings; it is something I really miss doing often since the start of the pandemic. Really provoked me, and that's what I think it really matters in art (didn't like some word choices you've made but it's just me)
I'll share mine.

LOCAL NEWS: WORKER DIES IN A TRAGIC TRAFFIC ACCIDENT

I was peering on my colletion.
I saw a judo manga that I brought when I was 10 or 9,
never really stopped to read it fully.
It's the final volume,
I never touched the rest of the collection.
There was a white living being hiking on the inked black front page,
walking up and down close to the inner edge of the paper.
I wanted to leave him alone, and I continued to read.
The manga slipped from my hands and fell onto the floor.
I lifted the cover and saw him smashed, with some last efforts of movement
on the antennas of the still-intact half of his body
-the other half flatted.

Then it stopped.

I gazed at him constituing the composition of the page

[(-ACT 53: THE UNSOLUBLE LOVE-
MAGIC CUBE; WHITE BACKGROUNG)
ALL INSIDE A RECTANGULE]
IN THE CENTRE OF A BLACK BACKGROUND

{dead insect}
I mourned for my lack of coordination.
A lot of ifs in my mind.
I killed this little fella.
I gazed at it smashed lifeless.
I continued to read the manga.
No, my apologies, it's a manwa, it's korean. It reads from front to back.

>>17954448
Sorry, there is supposed to be a space between {dead insect} and the last paragraph

We need to make a doki doki /lit/erature club for poets

>White lighter

In my hand there's a light white and bright deceivingly positive there's no epitome no sins to atone though there's no path to find, there’s a loyalty that’s deeper than mere sentiment a love greater than faux testament though I’ve never felt it,I held the white lighter, superstitious I am but all I know is this repetitious fight of breathing out and the sting as it comes in, holding on so tight waiting to be let go white lighter let me free, but I'm trying to let this song be lying and to find the light between all the other lights and accepting what's to come laying my head to rest I left my cleft in the painted night the strings tied to me and useless things vanish out of sight, my head feels breeze it’s empty with eyes shut I float upwards, I let my hands shake and let ruminations flood over me till there’s no murky disguise just what’s in my mirrors eye, I'd throw out that white device that strikes light and try to let myself live hopefully

>>17954344
You sure? I checked with that webpage and it told me it was fine.
>>17954266
Maybe. I wrote it when I was daydreaming, almost hallucinating with stress.
Your poem: I can relate. It feels tiresome, but there is a purpose and point for the message.

>>17954266
Not poorly written, but reading cliche after cliche with no subversion is tiring.

>>17943974
You need
And take
Your fake

A lot
At stake

So I go

I want you
To know

Why
>>17950474
>if you're the feet poet
I am and thank you.
>>17950134
I understood what you meant. But it was not the point of the poem. Critique should create discussion.
>>17953036
Fun
>>17953055
An attempt at humor. But lacks verbal humor and rhyme. Its not clever either.
>>17953056
Flows very well, Short with a good punch line. Humorous but serious as well.

>>17955548
>>17955471
Good thoughts, agreed honestly. Thanks.

Unrequited talent
In the mind of my own
Receives an unheard applause
for a talent I have not sown

bump

>>17954448
I fuck with it. A few words seem a little out of place, but it's pretty solid. I like the last stanza especially. You read any Bukowski by any chance?

>>17954312
Read this. Taught me a lot.
https://www.scribd.com/document/332511050/Fussell-Poetic-Meter-pdf

bump

>>17943974
Bump

>>17955471
Two webpages told me it's 6 (I personally thought it was 7, but "backfired" cannot be only one syllable so it doesn't matter).