/lit/ - Literature

God is not dead, he is but Man in disguise,
watching on, anxious, as his flood drowns his skies.
Fleeing through the clouds in endless ascension,
a stumbling search for peace or redemption.
The road to Calvary will not lead to Heaven,
for he has thirstily taken and not given.
The burden of his sins too heavy to bear,
nailed to his fate, shedding a scream of prayer.
But he remains alone, until he is no more,
sacrificing his life in this great war.
And who for?


Not done by any means, but all feedback and suggestions are welcome.

>>17895816
Also wanted to post one I wrote recently (still working out a few kinks)

There's a constellation
Burning quietly
In my stomach.

Have you ever felt
The star's silent burn?
Quiet consumption -
I've seen
Blinding light
Fiery phantasmagoria
Softly whispering your name
Whispering "Persephone"

You built a constellation
A deafening constellation
In my stomach.

O vernal flame
With viridian eyes, attend -
Light that pierces the skin.
Release and see as it outshines
Those ephemeral shapes above.
Perhaps we will hear
Perhaps on wistful ears
Will fall the blossoming sound -
Heavenly stars
Heavenly bodies screaming
Persephone.

One day I discovered
A constellation in my stomach.
One day I'll be consumed
Or perhaps absorbed
And, Persephone, you -
You'll feel the quiet burn too.

>>17895816
>from Chuck’s Fuck & Suck
>to Sneed’s Feed & Seed something
>good died in Springfield

cuck my life into pieces
this is my wife's son
bottom surgery, no penis
don't give a fuck if he sit down peeing

>>17895826
Bump because I want this anon to have someone else’s critique, I have already given mine to him.

>>17895826
I enjoy the repetition in the stanza near the end.

Reworked this recently

Looking down, I'll see I have
Forgotten to tie my shoelaces
Even worse, it's worsened by
The gazes of people at places

Likewise, I forget sometimes
The names of friendly faces
Then at home, I'll ruminate on
Past failures and disgraces

>>17895820
its mostly good. i enjoyed the general idea.
>God is not dead, he is but Man in disguise
way too on the nose. i think you can imply its god through clues like the flood line. id keep only "disguise". larp phrasing like "he is but man" is unneccesary too.
>watching on, anxious, as his flood drowns his skies.
great line
>for he has thirstily taken and not given.
it flows much better without the "and"
>And who for?
great line. like "signifying nothing" from macbeth

No more fun times
And coffee mugs
Or heartwarming letters
I only get bills

Poetry is not literature faggots

>>17895820
I think this is really solid. It didnt wow me but its definitely good

Atop the stone walls of Texan-Mexico
With girl and girls and girls
And cigars

Reaching up the towering presidio
Soundings of trumpet birds
From afars

I can faintly make out from below
Castanets, tango twirls
And guitars

To the man up next on the firing row
Who kneels down and curls:
My regards

>>17898214
"heartwarming" isnt subtle or short enough and hurts the simplicity. other than that, i loved imagining all the implied history. if you revised, id add it to my collection

I'm on lit nigga
Time to lift nigga
A DICTIONARY
Big mammaries
Pop pop watching Janny drop
UH huh fucking trannys hot

I'm out

I'll only write four.
Four lines at best.
I tried writing more -
Screwed up the rest.

>>17898214
I like the idea, but this just doesn't do it for me.
It's short, which should make it easier, but it doesn't flow that well, especially from the second line onward. Perhaps a different choice of words (in regards to phonemes) would help the flow. I understand that every word means something, but to me it just reads like something that is neither prose nor poetry. There is an interesting moment in the third line and the flow and that poetic quality must match it. It is an "OR", a negation of the first two lines, what is so different in these letters that negates the fun times? Heartwarming? But the times are already fun, presumably heartwarming, the letters should feel like a painful gasp of air perhaps, thankful to be gasped, but painful compared to fun times and coffee mugs. The last line is great. One more thing about flow, it must be exceptionally good if you will not rhyme, because otherwise it will stand out too much.
I am retarded so take it with a grain of salt, my suggestions:

No more bright times
And coffee stains
Or fading letters
I only get bills

It's a completely new poem, sorry about it, you can disregard it, I was just trying to illustrate my critique and how I would perhaps write it. Bright and faded paint a picture, the stains paint multiple pictures and metaphors, and overall I tried to make it flow better. Hope it helped. For what it's worth, it was pretty good on it's own. An artist always strives to create truth and I did feel that here. Nothing worse than someone presenting you shitty art that means nothing to them and claiming it is very important and their truth. No, say your truth, but you have to know that it is hard. First you have to find the courage to say it, we live in lies all the times, very few people can say the truth. And then you need to make me understand it, make it universal. Make it in a way so that I will understand for example, what war is without ever having witnessed one myself.

Enjoy the essay.

My poem, translated:

I drink beer alone
and painfully ejaculate,
intimacy, a dream forlorn
of a soap too immaculate.

Tried to preserve the rhyme, was just a joke poem, but could obviously be bettered.

>>17895816
Onions posters
Suck my dick

Like the bitch
You are

Did I take it
Too far
>>17895820
Better than most long poems here.
>>17895826
>You built a constellation
>A deafening constellation
Lazy af
>>17895872
papa roach/10
>>17897590
I can read sideways. Phonetard.
>>17898002
Meh
>>17898214
muh words disguised as poetry.
>>17898912
I dislike it. IDK why.
>>17900030
This is by far the best A+

>>17900938
>Onions
S O Y
O
Y

>>17900176
>of a soap too immaculate
Majestic

>>17895820
I think it could be better metered, and like one anon said it is pretty on the nose there in the beginning. The ending line could have a bigger impact if you increased the line before it by a foot or two.
>>17897590
I like it. I usually don't like this kind of poetry thought. I like the more subtle rhymes in the beginning and I wish you kept some line 2, line 4 rhymes in the other stanzas as it's not as old sounding with only one rhyme per 4 lines.
>>17898002
>Even worse, it's worsened by
It's redundant to say it this way. The last line is also strangely metered. It makes the reader stumble when I don't think you want them to.
>>17898912
I really like this one. The not perfectly acatalectic verse works well with the subject matter.

Would appreciate any feedback on this snippet of a poem

I’ve been trying to break into poetry lately but I’m having some trouble.I do like Yeats so far.Any other similar poets?

>>17901378
Lord Byron's "The Destruction of Sennacherib", Herrick's "The Vine", Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress", Poe's "The Raven" and "Conquerer Worm", George Herbert's "Time", and "Redemption", Shelly's "The Cloud", "Ode to the West Wind", "Ozmandias". If you like any of these check out the poets other work. I like Pope too, but sometimes he can be a bit confusing. If you like darker poetry, like Poe's can be, Lovecraft actually wrote quite a few poems that aren't too bad and are on the darker side.

I have no cock and I must cum
I have no cock and I must cum
God tortures, cruelly, with this desire
A bird without sky, a sow without mire
Love's all about, seems imminent
Yet I am alone and impotent
I have no cock and I must cum

>>17895816
Based on a true story ;)


A pol poem - The balad of the tranny Jannies mammy :(

Just another one of the universe's equivalence of a parasite worm taper
You're no escaper
It's not in your nature
On top of that
You sell out mankind's freedom's for paper
Face it dude
You'll never be a woman you're just a gapper
Hottest thing about you is your 21 year old dike neighbour
Any real man tells you he love's you
Trust me he's a faker
Yo dat girl with the Adams apple and stubble, haay I want to date her !
Want a bun in the oven freak ?
Go ask a baker
Time to dilate now miss
Stick in a tater
You may as well a stuck your dick into an industrial grater
Who's the poor woman who carried you in labour?
Your mom dude ?
You must subconsciously hate her
Was it her or (you)
Mindfucked by a pedo tavistock institute caper
Pioneered by those hook noses that take off Seder
Cult fanatics just like the Mormons or Quaker
Slaves to an agenda without the mules and 40 acre
Has she apologised yet Dude ?
You should make her
Next suicide service for a budd
You should take her
Show her your friends face GRAB HER BY THE HEAD AND SHAKE HER.
say you're ment to come into the world to make it greater
Not
Watch your buds kill themselves and your self-esteem evaporate like vapor
No wonder the dark side eats you up like vader
At least that piece a shit managed to keep his own sabor

This is dynamite fishing for you I need no baiter
My words hit your head like a aimbot noobtube grenader
I'll get into your medicated brain and leave a fuckn crater
Ok stop
Hold up 4chan DJ cross the fader
There's a 40% probability this cunts gona off himself later.

;)

>>17901574
powerful but rate you piece of shit.

>>17895826
Cool
>>17895872
cool
>>17896696
Big dicc frater spreads his knees
Letting his bitch kneel down for succ
The stretchmarks grow along her jaw
For dicc with girth like hockey puccs

The circles of her titties rise
When he complains its second rate
She pleads to squat upon his dicc
And frater's horn's up in her gate

bump

What's another word for gay?
You probably already know it:
The term you're looking for is "poet".

If you ever see
Someone counting syllables
Call them a "faggot"

If you ever accidentally rhyme
Or if assonance or alliteration is something you find
Easy on the ear
And pleasing to hear
Just say "no homo"
And you're good to go

And never trust someone
Who says they write for fun
'Cause that is code for bi
And means that they should die

If a dude tells you
He likes "Dick in son"
You better run
And call the cops
To make him stop
Putting his cock
Inside the ass
Of little boys

Because poetry is a gateway
To shaking your spear into some William butt or taint
(And I mean that in a gay way)

And if you're a girl,
First, gross
Second, wanna fuck?
Third, didn't think so because only lesbians write poetry (it's literally where the word comes from lol).

>>17900030
Quite good technique, but it means nothing. It's meta and jokey, but that's it. Sure, it's hard to add meaning in a short, metered and meta poem, but I think if you replaced "only" with "always", there is an added dimension, emotion, truth to the poem. Because "always", in my eyes, already encompasses this "only", this current poem. It says "It's not only this poem that I don't want to screw up, it's all of them (which I have screwed up before)", which is something all of /lit/ can relate to.

But like I said, good technique, I'd work on the persuasive storytelling, I want to understand it better.

>>17903372
>, but I think if you replaced "only" with "always", there is an added dimension, emotion, truth to the poem.
So dumb. The poem is about a momentary feeling, not some cringe manifesto. Maybe he started a longer poem and gave up and wrote this.

Do not suppose I am the kind of man
Who walks along one path, and that path only.
I go one way, and seem a reasonable man,
I provoke no one, I have the best of natures –
I go another, and I’m obstinate and bold,
Striking out at others without cause.
Sometimes I seem a learned man of God
Who retreats in ascetic zeal to a seclude sanctuary –
I turn again and I’m a crazy libertine,
Sneakily snatching whatever I can get.
I have, then, all these striking qualities
Which no one can ignore –
But who can really know my mind?
Only a grey-head who has lived for many days
And learned to measure what men are worth.
And now, my friends, each man of you –
If either of the paths I follow
Takes your fancy and delights your heart,
Or even if you cannot bear to lose
The entertainment I provide,
Then come to me along the path –
You’re free to make a choice!

on your so-called poem
that pathetic little thing
i didn't leave a comment
and now you are seethe-ing

What is God to a man
Who has tilled his own soil
To feed his fellows from his own hand
From a divine harvest, reaped from his own toil
At what stage did the man above intervene
A man is he, that is yet to be seen

>>17903468
If you have to explain it from the outside, then it isn't good. It should be self-explicable and clear (not explicit!), it should speak for itself, and as of now it speaks as meta, jokey and meaningless. Just like most poems here about seething, never being a woman, incel or whatever other piece of work unworthy of critique because it never took itself seriously. And the momentary feeling bit I agree with, but it's not in contradiction to what was said.

>>17895826
sounds like a mars volta song. nice