/lit/ - Literature

>>17813122
Post it

>>17813122
There’s a writing general, but since you made this thread you might as well just post it here

>>17813132
>>17813139

It’s too long for a 4chan comment

>>17813159
Split it and/or post it as several images (screenshots)

>>17813234
Ditch the comma between dead and yellow

I thought you were a woman for some reason

The things I want criticism on are the prose and my decision to have Sam pocket the weed, which is the whole reason for the climax (Sig later convinces Jou to go chase our MCs down after this, and there’s a chase/fight scene at a party)

Almost done. Someone plz let me know when it’s finished, and if you want quick examples of prose/dialogue that I’m actually kind of proud of to compare

Ok it’s over lol

Bumping one more time

Listen, I like that you write. But take it to the writing general. This isn’t a board for fan fiction, and you’re not talented or important enough to warrant making these threads over and over.

Don't list adjectives
Don't pluralized names
Saying the crossbow is like a gun is terrible
anyone who steals back drugs they stole deserves to be impaled, so you've got that going for you. I guess.

>>17813257
I'd ditch dead altogether. Yellow pastures aren't necessarily dead and the use of dead makes it seem a bit post-apocalypse

>>17813261
Bro, they can't be silently walking whilst crunching up gravel. I know you mean they aren't talking, so change that around.

>>17813234
Good introduction, it's well written and believable. It strikes a good balance between dialogue and narration.
>>17813261
Maybe change the "...ground up the gravel beneath their feet when they silently began..." for:
"...ground up the gravel beneath their feet as they silently began..." to me it reads better.
Maybe change the "...trained on the pleasant house..." for "focused on" it is more common, but it is up to you, try different words and see what you like more.
"...but she dismissed her catastrophizing". Finding a simpler way to express this will go a long way.
>>17813276
"She frantically searched her brain" There's probably a simpler way to express this.
"the porch swings well oiled chains" This sentence is a bit confusing.
"After the longest twenty seconds" A bit out of the blue, there's no previous indication that they were that nervous/anxious.
>>17813299
"He sat up in his chair and opened his eyes". Considering the previous sentence this sounds redundant.
"you could hardly tell he was japanese" lol. Anon, pls.
>>17813326
"like he had two heads" Maybe just " quizzically" or "inquisitively" would suffice.
>>17813347
I like the Super Nintendo, but a crossbow would be worth a lot more.

I enjoyed it. The prose flows nicely and it is interesting. Just one thing, to me it wasn't immediately clear that
Sam decided to keep the weed. You could try emphasizing how distracted and unhinged Jou is while describing how Sam considers keeping it.
Or try describing how she discretely points out the fact that he didn't ask for it to Danielle.

Also, a few twenties? That sounds like quite a lot more weed than what it is described...
I'm sure other anons can point out other things, good stuff, keep at it.

>>17813715
It's cool anon I've back-linked it
>>17813911

>>17813915
Well it’s a bad precedent and it reeks of egoism.

>>17813930
Idk what you mean

>>17813862
The reason she keeps it is just that she didn’t realize she never handed it to Jou, then just decides that it’s a double win to get both the money and the half ounce of weed. For reference, out of the two MCs she believes she’s a bad bitch when she’s actually just an underachiever without any real identity, so even though her sister was clearly more efficient and productive here, Sam has the idea that she should pull shit like this to impress.

>>17813745
What do you mean by listing adjectives and pluraling names? You do understand possessives don’t have an apostrophe right?

Also, I’ve been an archery and firearms enthusiast for years. If you showed a normie an old Jennings crossbow they’d just see a big scary gun with pullies on it. They’re ugly, bulky, and I’m pretty sure a teenage girl would think they look scary especially if a meth head was holding one.

>>17814170
>The reason she keeps it is just that she didn’t realize she never handed it to Jou, then just decides that it’s a double win to get both the money and the half ounce of weed.
This much is clear.
>she believes she’s a bad bitch when she’s actually just an underachiever without any real identity, so even though her sister was clearly more efficient and productive here, Sam has the idea that she should pull shit like this to impress.
this not so much but maybe that's explored later on or before, I don't know.

>>17813930
>>17813915
>>17813715

Okay, now I get it. I just want to let you know that I’m not trying to post here for ego or anything. I posted the first time and shared what I write when I’m really trying, and this time I posted something I wrote on autopilot (which is how the rest of the first draft will be written), so I could get feedback before proceeding on my own.

I genuinely despise 4chan and would like to share as little here as I can. If I post to 4chan about things, I get too self aware, self critical and my mindset gets so fucked up I don’t continue to have fun with that given hobby. I just want someone to give me pointers so the rest of the draft comes out better than this.

>>17814217
Yeah the rest of the story should make it clear, and even if it flies over peoples heads somehow there’s a scene at the end that almost explains what our characters motivations were.

>>17814219
Yeah cool, I want you to share your writing but in future if you'd use the writing general here >>17813514 it'd be better and the main two points are that if everyone who writes makes a thread the catalog will be jammed and that it is easier to find shared writing if it's all in the same thread.

Regardless, I'm not him >>17813715 and I've offered some critique up thread, I wish you well and encourage you to keep working.

>>17814258
Thanks. Chances are since I won’t post here again after this thread dies, you guys’ll just have to find my novella out in the wild.

Okay guys so I’m sitting down to write again.

Just tell me, if I wrote those pages I posted, and was not going to receive criticism until the full book was done, what tips would you offer me?

>>17813122
Doesn't seem that bad to me anon, I think you're being overly critical of yourself

>>17814909
It’s definitely not good though. I’ve been able to write colorful and interesting. This is neither.

I just want this to be good.

>>17813122
I already told you they must be raped

>>17815196
Even if they miraculously turn to boys?

>>17815401
Fucking especially if it's a gender bender

this was awful go to a drug addict fanfiction dotcom

>>17815694
You mean r9k?

What’s so awful about it anyway?