/lit/ - Literature

>>17731756
Girl feet
What a treat

Rub my shaft

Feel the heat

Your toes
My noose

I must eat

>>17731844
No Rate = No Feedback

>>17731756
Oh, it's a haiku. 10/10

Ahem, hello,
It's me,
Yes, your bro,
Let's speak,
I'll say keks,
You'll post sneed,
Get no sex,
And then leave

>>17731844
Generic horny posting, nothing truly erotic about it and if you’re going for humor there’s no kick to it. Here’s a poem that does eroticism well.

The Vine by Robert herrick

I dreamed this mortal part of mine
Was metamorphosed to a vine,
Which crawling one and every way
Enthralled my dainty Lucia.
Methought her long small legs and thighs
I with my tendrils did surprise;
Her belly, buttocks, and her waist
By my soft nervelets were embraced.
About her head I writhing hung,
And with rich clusters (hid among
The leaves) her temples I behung,
So that my Lucia seemed to me
Young Bacchus ravished by his tree.
My curls about her neck did crawl,
And arms and hands they did enthrall,
So that she could not freely stir
(All parts there made one prisoner).
But when I crept with leaves to hide
Those parts which maids keep unespied,
Such fleeting pleasures there I took
That with the fancy I awoke;
And found (ah me!) this flesh of mine
More like a stock than like a vine.


Though this poem is old, his erotic desire is still burning in it.

Reposting this one so I can get some critique of it and if I ought to continue writing in this style.

the purple song of twilight fills the sky,
willow emeralds have become rust.
Torpor’s taste rests in my mouth,
tears of sky cover orchids.
a pale hand grasps my own
but I am not yet ready.
my heart’s flame turns to ash
perfumed with rue.

sapphire shadows pass through the sky,
in darkness I rest singing songs of sadness.
remember the cold moon
 as she stares, forgetting her own form.
nothing is behind the eye,
nothing.
Lost, so long have I not known the way
And I am too ashamed to ask.

>>17731756

Portrait 4

she stands at my shoulder
I wonder should I hold her

my thin arms around her feel warm and strong
she is warm, she softens to me
Everything I want to hear
is there only I'll be leaving for long

'tilt your head up' I say
(I kiss you) and you giggle
smiling you sway
away from me and move
across the ground past the gazebo
back home through the grove.

>>17732466
It's always a treat to read your stuff, Frater. This is beautiful, I've always felt that you could be published professionally. That last line 'Lost, so long have I not known the way And I am too ashamed to ask.' is just poetic perfection.

>>17732466
>tears of sky
dont like this

>>17731756
I Just made it last night.

Soul Crushing

I've been here
And I'm not there
There's many calls
Yet not on row

On what God made here?
Callously attempting in here
A little kindness is adoring
But at what cause? All are decay

Well then
I'll be bidding farewell
And not say word cruel and unfair
Alas! At once I'm in peace

>>17732584
My mistake
>And not say a word cruel and unfair

*And not say a word cruel and unfair

>>17732521
Thanks anon, I’ll most likely never publish/never intent to really publish, I see writing poetry like carving wood ya know? The poem itself was a play on how another anon said my stuff comes off soulless, so I wrote a poem to represent the lament of an empty soul. All in good fun.

>she stands at my shoulder

A good line, sets up the narrative and beginning image well, I don’t see a syllable misused.

>I wonder should I hold her

I dislike this line solely because I dislike the rhyme, partially because I dislike when rhymes require two words to work because it feels like it takes up too much time/space but also I don’t think that musical quality is needed here, arms-warm is probably better because it’s a tad bit more subtle.

>my thin arms around her feel warm and strong

I’d remove or replace thin and while I don’t mind that much, a lot of people would take issue with “warm and strong” since its a mouthful of adjectives.

>she is warm, she softens to me

In general people don’t like repetition unless it serves a particular effect, if you think repeating warm is essential this is fine though she softens me feels weak, but I like excessive.

>Everything I want to hear

Utility line, doesn’t do anything but move the narrative along.

>is there only I'll be leaving for long

At first glance and recitation it comes off stiff, “is there only” simply doesn’t sound very good. Make sure to recite your lines.

>'tilt your head up' I say

Feels like it would fit fine if this was a song.

>(I kiss you) and you giggle
>smiling you sway

These two lines don’t really have any major glaring good qualities they’re just not very filled with pathos nor with enough imagery.

>away from me and move
>across the ground past the gazebo
>back home through the grove.

Rhythm in these lines is better and I like move-Gazebo-Grove personally on a sound level, though the ending doesn’t feel relevant enough.

>>17732567
Dont like the pronunciation? I’m iffy on it myself but I thought it would sound better than “the tears of sky” or “tears of skies” of “tears of the skies” or the like. How would you adjust it? Or do you dislike the imagery of the Dew/rain water as tears of the sky?

>>17732705
maybe "tears (from) on high"? I don't like using the word sky so soon after the first line, and also something about "tears of sky" just doesn't sound right. this is just my personal preference however, sometimes I can't quite quantify why something isn't right, I can just feel it

>>17732763
Oh dude don’t worry, if I didn’t want critique I wouldn’t post, and I also know what you mean, tears of sky doesn’t FEEL like a proper sentence, I think tears from on high wouldn’t fit but I’ll think of some way to reformulate it. Thank you for the help anon.

>>17732693
Thanks Frater. I'm in the same boat as you, I just write these poems the same way I whittle. They're all portraits of friends and gals and dates. This is one I was still working on, some of those lines I just made up a few minutes ago so I could post it, I appreciate your feedback and I'll keep working at my craft. Maybe one day I can be as talented as you.

>>17732804
no problem dude. i'm not very good at suggesting better lines unfortunately. all I'm good for is saying "that's not ready yet"

>>17732521
> she is warm, she softens to me
I really like it anon

The Search

you and I were looking
and all along was Belladonna
though she laughed how we veined hide and seek
playing like children in the wilderness
daring with a poison flower
when it was her

>>17732811
Totally understandable, I don’t really often get inspiration from interpersonal stuff or the kind of stuff that usually fills confessional poetry so I know my stuff often will come off pretty pretentious, but it’s fine and all in good fun. I don’t think it’ll take long to get better than me at it Anon.

>>17732816
Totally understandable and it’s better that you actually found A line with an error in it and didn’t just vaguely say you dislike it, as that would have no benefit.

Which poem is yours or have you yet to post any?

>>17732867
>Which poem is yours or have you yet to post any?
i haven't posted yet. for the sake of participation here I go

There are devils in my pocket,
perched upon my shoulder
and sitting on my chest.
It's strange company I've accepted:
these sentinels, taskmasters
have bound me to the task
of spending my tender years in bed.

>>17732910
Reducing your simile/metaphor by explicitly saying what it means is something more fit for prose than verse, you’re free to have the devils in your imagination be real devils within the poem, ya know.


>There are devils in my pocket,
>perched upon my shoulder
>and sitting on my chest.

Pocket doesn’t really fit as well with the other two and I don’t think you needed to repeat them sitting on you thrice, as it doesn’t have a musical/rhythmical quality of note nor does it expand the image, it just repeats the image. When you repeat an image you need to radically restate it, if you want to maximize beauty anyways.

>It's strange company I've accepted:

Takes me out of the poem, feels almost self-referential, not enough confidence in the imagery.

>these sentinels, taskmasters

Replace “these sentinels” demonic taskmasters is enough of an image, either give them a stronger title or change the structure of the line entirety, this is fat to be trimmed.

>have bound me to the task
>of spending my tender years in bed.

It’s fine but again, feels like you abandoned the imagery, which others might like but I am not a fan personally. A decent amount of folks would also probably see no point to calling the years tender.

>>17732993
thank you for the critique bro

Cancel your plans
You have no friends
Forget the future
As it stands

>>17732867
I don't think it's pretentious at all, I recognize that confessional poetry isn't as cultivated, which is part of why I admire your poetry. I just like to write what I know, and occasionally I share my portraits with the people I wrote them about. Sometimes they like them and sometimes they don't, once I was slapped.
I really love Charles Reznikoff and I take a good amount of inspiration from him. This is a shorter effort of mine, I like to write real long murals and I also like to make up a lot of words and onomatopoeia. I need to work on punctuation though.
Do you like Reznikoff? And if you do, do you know any other slightly fringe poets who I might enjoy who are similar?

(P.S. We oughta make a drinking game where we have a beer every time you say 'Totally understandable.')

>>17733001
Not a problem friend, don’t take any critique I give the wrong way of course.

>>17733050
>This is a shorter effort of mine, I like to write real long murals and I also like to make up a lot of words and onomatopoeia. I need to work on punctuation though.

I also like much longer works and kinda idolize the Long poem as more or less the ultimate form of literature, since ultimately the Long poem if done correctly is the most condensed, extended, and potent work possible.

>Do you like Reznikoff?

Haven’t read him, a lot of contemporary stuff is blank to me because it just doesn’t do it for me, even the modernists I like, like yeats and Ezra pound still reek of this kind of flavor which doesn’t feel appropriate, maybe it’s the lack of spiritual vigor/zeal in them, maybe it’s because how many of them can’t accept being decadent and maximalist, hard to pin down in general but just the general sentiment and spirit doesn’t do it for me. The newest stuff I enjoy is stuff written by decadents/symbolists and folks who are basically inspired by them, but that’s because they dwell in the decay and excess of the times in a really good way. Would you recommend reznikoff to someone with my tastes? The only somewhat more contemporary poet I have my eye on to read next is James Merrill and more Wallace stevens and even then can’t say I’d shill from what little I’ve seen.

>>17733131
>Not a problem friend, don’t take any critique I give the wrong way of course.
no worries. poetry isn't a strength of mine so I expected many corrections, and I will take them to heart

>>17731756
The cars swarm in the dark
Looking with their lights like
So many red-tailed birds;
The road divided in thirds
Leaves no room for a bike,
And none either for a thought to embark.

As I push on through the night,
The road unfurles beneath me,
And the clamor converges in meeting;
But what is it I hear? A heart beating.
But is it mine, or the pilgrim souls’ unfree,
Stuck within the engines, beating out of sight?

The driveway beckons, and as into I pull,
My key from ignition recedes, preceding silence sleepful.

>>17731844
Meme hornyposting, but I genuinely think “your toes / my noose” has potential as a thought

>>17732521
I love how you use the parenthetical, I encourage you to make more use of internal rhymes and alliterations, and also other schemes

>>17732858
7/10

Maybe I'm a Leo

In the very very end
We learn who and how many
And maybe I'm wrong
And it's how many and who
But if you're wrong too
Then maybe I'm a Leo

>>17732858
really like the ambiguity and the first and last lines. "veined" both confuses me and i find it ugly. the shape is good.
>>17732584
the simplicity of the first stanza is lost with the other two. "yet now on row" is a great sounding line but "all are decay" i dont like. the last line feels to me like it wants to be "alas, at once, im in peace"
>>17732521
the first two lines say much more than the rest of the poem. especially
>my thin arms around her feel warm and strong
>she is warm, she softens to me
are cliched and unnecessary. the last two lines are beautiful. gazebo
>>17732466
you know exactly what im going to say frater. id keep the last two lines though

>>17731756
Rest
Get dressed
And go

Don't be slow
You know it's over
So move on and leave

You are no longer
What I need
>>17732466
>ought to continue writing in this style.
Your old style was better.
>>17732521
rhyming warm with warm is a little lazy. But I'm not one to judge.
>>17733157
>The road divided in thirds
Best line.
>>17731844
This is me rating and posting more.

When we were retarded
Had I punched you in the shoulder
Would you have departed?

>>17732867
>confessional poetry
"all bad poetry is sincere" as the gay man said. but maybe there is a third option to disgusting sweaty sincerity and boring inauthentic insincerity.
>>17731844
>>17733383
i like this style and both poems, but keeping it really minimal means the asymmetries stick out more, like the line difference between stanzas. the first one is one syllable too long and the second is a few short

>>17733131
I'd almost like to recommend Reznikoff to anyone, but I guess I don't know how faithfully I can recommend him to you. His poems have a naturalist tinge to them, so you might appreciate them considering the influence that naturalism had on decadence, it being a precursory movement. I know you also have a pretty respectable knowledge of the Hebrew Bible and its related traditions, so I think you could also appreciate the many references Reznikoff makes and the influences he takes. However, his poetry is often quite ephemeral because much of it was inspired by his walks throughout the city and beyond, but he does have a number of long-form poems which are quite spiritually powerful.
If that doesn't sound appealing to you, you might get a kick out of his last words. He was always relatively financially stable and content with himself, so he never really pursued success through his poetry, he just wrote it for himself, and so his last words to his wife were 'You know I never made much money, but I have done everything that I most wanted to do.'

>>17733310
>you know exactly what im going to say frater. id keep the last two lines though

Probably something about it being archaic and imitative. Kek.

>>17733383
Oh I will, no reason ya can’t have multiple styles.

>>17733550
>"all bad poetry is sincere"

Often I have wanted to quote this to people but I feel kinda bad to do so, since folks really do put a lot of heart into it ya know, even if that produces mush.

>>17733599
I’ll check him out, biblical heavy stuff is usually pretty good. Thanks for the recommendation

>>17733631
>Often I have wanted to quote this to people, but I feel kinda bad to do so, since folks really do put a lot of heart into it ya know, even if that produces mush.

Eh, it's alright. I like my mush.

>>17732584
feels to ambiguous, i dont really get whats going on, the moving from simplicity to musing about god/decay seems somewhat forced

>>17733157
This is pretty good anon, the introduction of pilgrim's seems as a bit out of place in the poem though

I tried to redo Rilke's archaic torso of apollo and came up with this, still needs lots of work but would love to hear thoughts

when mind cannot bear body
they take leave and separate
to align in form godly
unto their true perfect fate

nature formed this chest robust,
shining abright while atop
that golden waist of stardust,
forming a holy raindrop

the mind is no mind, yet still
it lingers in its absence
when nothingness can fulfill
this fragment is in balance

yet i still lament his face
whose memory causes strife.
without lips, he still sings praise
"you must, my son, change your life."

>>17731756
I made a recording of several of my best poems. My writing is heavily influenced by Victorian Poetry, Mythologia, and Julius Evola, as well as exploring different and opposing philosophies
https://voca.ro/13BKIcDQlYEo

Why?
Why why?
Why!

>>17734147
Why not?

What doth life?
Are we just fleshy blips
in some meaningle?ss stew
of cosmic oblivion
or is it vice-reversa?
Is our every trollop through fate's garded
infused with mystic...

Janny, forgive me
I sit here forlorn
remembering the time
Of posting sweet
You recall?
My minute member
I shove it inside
You just whine
Scurry back to
Your basement
Free of charge
You were reborn

>>17733050
>once I was slapped
share story and poem

>>17733550
>means the asymmetries stick out more
Does it matter. Did it make the reading of the poems less enjoyable. Did it adversely affect the effective communication of meaning? Or is it an autism trigger? If the work is good its asymmetrical construction should not matter. But that being said I am glad you enjoyed.

Your work need a new middle line. The one you have flows poorly with the rest. You need something that connects line one with line three. The retarded departed rhyme should be a bonus. Not the thing that hold the work together.

>>17731844
An atempt. The brainlet is developing. He is starting to learn and beginning to believe. But where is nature in this poem? The comparrison between her toes and a delicate poppino mushroom poking up from the fround. The rubbery texture of her sole. The curve of her ankle. All I can say is keep on going. You have a long way ahead of you.

>>17732430
Ah, yes, the great plague of our time. Put your poem lacks sentiment and rage. You must bring the drama of the fallen Lucifer, sound the war-drums of the incel uprinsing.

>>17732521
For a poem that only rhymes every other line, you should use the freedom to go even deeper. Also, maybe even grasp the reader with a random line. Maybe the narrator looks at a picture of her dad, that is just there on the wall.

>>17732466
HMMMM it should be mixed with something archetypical. I would have gone with the soul of the vengeful wraith poet of a fallen solidier:

the purple song of twilight fills the sky,
willow emeralds have become rust.
Torpor’s taste rests in my mouth,
As my spectral form rises in pale moonlight
Behold! Vermillion meat of my husk
Upon grasping the truth of what there had transpired
My heart was missing and my soul called out

>>17734705
Hmm if you are vengeful you can go more epically. Threats of hellfire and plagues.

>>17734172
Pondering. You should continue with an atempt revelation, before the narrator drops it and goes back to fumbling in the dark.

>>17734147
Archetypical

>>17733867
All I can say is keep changing it up until each line strikes true.

>>17733383
The beginning is very Rebecca Black

>>17733310
This is a play of words. I like the trope of dropping everything learned and starting at square one again.

>>17733157
Nice rythm. I like the use of car. Very retrowave.

I will post my own poems in a different post. I need more space.

MY REVIEW IS AT >>17734996

I HAVE REVIEWED!

All my poems are availiable after each chapter of my books. https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3352670/1/The-Synth-Pill

University degree
You can pay with a loan
"A job will be easy to get"
They promised all along
You're in educated debt
The papers you acquired
Are completely undesired
The available positions
The uneducated hired
They accept your submission
The old boomers
fooled the newcomers
Please serve my hamburger
Without the cucumbers
Slave to a loan
This job never pays
Student loan slave for wage
Until the end of days
You've been given education
In financial castration
---
I wanted to say hi
But an anxiousness came in between
Is this a high of feeling less?
Or simple too much caffeine?
Why was I afraid?
Does the future come with a warning?
Perhaps I ran into my own blockade?
Five cups of coffee in the morning
---
The premises set to us as children
Were all the lies diverting us
From the terrible worlds fill-in
We were cast into a school bus
Unpopular ugly and alone
They picked us apart like surgeons
This hostile place can't be my home
No country for old virgins
---
We cheered the two first decades
Over simple joys like pipe screensavers
Talking forever, drinking coke in arcades
We hung together as teenagers
We took one last party then said goodbye
Drove cars away from our childhood homes
Updated away like Windows 95
With cards full of money from student loans
Like a blunt of weed and paper
Our time is up in smoke and vapor
Now to be a
Nostalgia

>>17734926
it is an autism trigger, but its also like going "doot do lo doot do" and not finishing it with "doot do". its almost satisfying but then the flow and syllable count keep it from that resolution. in the first one for example if you got rid of "my noose" and the "i" in the last line, it would be more satisfying. it only bothers me because it almost flows really good

poetry is an antiquated form of music
people only practiced it in old times because they didn't have music streaming or records to enjoy any time they wanted, and people only practice it in modern times because they're pretentious but can't sing or play an instrument.
its songwriting with bad/no rhythm. only true masters can truly convey through poetry what they're trying to convey, and likewise only true connoisseurs (of which I don't claim to be) have the inner voice to deliver and interpret it the way that it is meant to be interpreted

>>17733202
What do you mean by naderías?

Also very nice gif, would you mind sharing the app you use to edit images like that?

>>17734705
good poem. I would make the lines a bit longer, otherwise you end up with some rupi kaur tier shit.

Here is my poem

Curly Willow Eulogy

Sun-drenched plant rooted in the earth
Proudly wore her green drops of rain
Denying darkness, she radiated powerful life
She rose gently from the land, curling upwards

How she waved in the wind lonely and elegant
She carried a burden and walked on unpaved roads
What they call downfall, was for her a blessing
Let everything that says no return to sand

Oh big willow, you don't know how much I loved you
How I looked at you through wet windows
How great your praise was, I sing you

I will forgive myself and I will never be ashamed
Oh in this golden light you were like a heroine
I will have courage and obey your will

It's a translation of a sonnet that I made in Dutch

>>17731844
It got me a hard on so good job. Make it a bit longer the next time.

Here is my poem:

The Woods

So much has grown
And so much has crumbled away
There are moments long gone
And moments still ahead
I walk here
And I am, now
Forward I go
For long not weary of life

Chuck's
Seed
and feed.

I'm longing for the forest:

The pathway in the grasses,

The house that on the ness is.

What orchards hold such apples

Deep-hid from eager spying?

What grain, when zephyr dapples,

Can breathe so soft a sighing?

Where could I hope as well to slumber

When bells the hours of evening number?
Where do my memories tarry?

Where are my dead still living?

Where I, while gray and gaunt still,

With harsh, relentless finger

The years my fate are weaving?

I am a shade, and haunt still

The place where memories linger.

Oh, seek not near to hover,

Although the doors are fastened

And matted leaves now cover

The steps where winds have hastened

And dropped their withered quarry.

Let others' laughter carry,

And new floods, wilder, stronger,

Bear me, the moat o'erswelling,

To those that speak no longer.

I sit within there lonely,

Myself a memory only, –

That is my kingly dwelling.
Oh, say not that our elders,

Whose eyes are closed forever,

That those we fain would banish

And from our lives would sever, –

Say not their colors vanish

Like flowers and like grasses,

That we from hearts efface them

Like dust, when one would clear it

From ancient window-glasses.

In power they upraise them,

A host they of the spirit.

The whole white earth enshrouding,

Our thoughts too overclouding,

Whate'er our fate or fortune,

Thoughts that, like swallows crowding,

Fly home at evening duly.

A home! how firm its base is

By walls securely shielded, –

Our world – the one thing truly

We in this world have builded.

>>17731844
feet anon is doing excellent work, all criticism is misguided, written by writers of terrible poetry. i ripped off his style for my upskirt poem a few threads back

a new one:

i want to write a song
that makes all nations
get along
inspiration
comes in spurts
i crank so hard
until it hurts
but naught comes out
just silly words
like
hitler did nothing wrong

>>17735423
>feet anon is doing excellent work
Thank you. Did the upskirt poem involve a breeze. If so I liked that one.

As far as your new work goes its good till the "but naught comes out" line You need a better ending that flows with the rest of the poem.
>>17735305
>It got me a hard on so good job
I hope you made use of it.

>>17731756
In glow of LCD I sit
Must never falter, never quit.
Mother asks from basement stair
Why I’m simply sitting there.
I must as always stay the course
Why did she and Dad divorce?
Advertisements long since gone
Lost revenue that few shall mourn.
Cargo shorts, a lavatory
And not a cent compensatory.
I cannot purchase HRT
When noble work I do for free.
Day and night and never shirk
Must delete not safe for work.
Six hundred pounds and climbing still
Board culture I strive to kill.

Hello fellow poets!

I'm starting to write poems and I had a question about what software you guys are using.

>>17731844
Needs one last line that rhymes with "eat"

Girl feet
What a treat

Rub my shaft

Feel the heat

Your toes
My noose

I must eat
To be complete

>>17732521
>>17732567
>>17733310
>>17733383
>>17734996
So, am I the only one who finds Frater's style pretentious and boring as fuck? Or are you all just gonna sit there because you're too afraid to seem stupid for not sucking his cock?

The guy is not only a tripfag, but he writes like a bad imitation of people far older and better than him; and whereas those people actually had interesting things to say, this dude just jacks off on a page and pats himself on the back for a job well done.

It's gray and soulless. Poetry isn't science, it's art. What is art if it doesn't evoke any emotion? I was always confused at the lack of passion in his work, until he literally admitted in the last poetry thread that he doesn't "go for emotion", and that poetry to him was entirely clinical. What the fuck? What is the point of purely objective poetry? That's fucking retarded.

His poetry is hackish and pseudo as fuck, and people who like his shit just got filtered-- Retard filtered.

>>17732359
How the fuck can you rate anything if you're the first post moron

>>17731756
Imagine the smell of Natalia,
tirelessly working for Crimea,
her fabrics soaking up Rossiya,
her breasts firmly cupped,
her lips nicely placed;
It's her holes for I face my senses.

>>17736151
It's called a "joke", fuckface. I read about em in a book.

>>17734996
>Ah, yes, the great plague of our time. But your poem lacks sentiment and rage. You must bring the drama of the fallen Lucifer, sound the war-drums of the incel uprinsing
That actually inspires me, anon. Thank you

>>17735418
Two very beautiful memorable lines: "Where are my dead still living?.../Thoughts that, like swallows crowding,

Fly home at evening duly."

A mi no me importaria
Morir manana
Lo unico que te pido
Es que no te excedas
En el tiempo que me queda

>>17736105
>>>17734996 #
>So, am I the only one who finds Frater's style pretentious and boring as fuck? Or are you all just gonna sit there because you're too afraid to seem stupid for not sucking his cock?

Eh, they’re free to call it shit anon.

>The guy is not only a tripfag, but he writes like a bad imitation of people far older and better than him;

Yes, I’ve never hid this fact. https://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dionysian_imitatio

This is historically the method used to refine ones work, pastiche of multiply styles of the greats until they blend with your own unique aspects.

>and whereas those people actually had interesting things to say, this dude just jacks off on a page and pats himself on the back for a job well done.

Depends on what you define as interesting, I consider my poetry concerning metaphysics and philosophy far more interesting than any emotion heavy poetry. I’m far more interested in art as a means of consumption of ideas than of emotions.

>It's gray and soulless. Poetry isn't science, it's art.

No particular reason why it can’t be both, anon.

>What is art if it doesn't evoke any emotion?

In my eyes there’s broadly speaking three categories of Art and this schema I get from goethe.

1=low Art which at most produces a bit of energy, a flash before the eyes. Think a meaningless dumb action movie, a pop song, or the above experimental poem. I consider the above an experiment and not a serious attempt at high Art.

2=Medium Art that induces an emotional reaction/flux, sentimental movies, sentimental poetry that maybe moves a tear or induces any other emotion. Whatever.

3=high Art=Art which produces change in the self, and causes movement within the conception of self, forcing the viewer into introspection and self change. (Your favorite work goes here. Kek)

I am not a very emotional or sentimental person so the second tier of art often has no appeal to me, whereas the third has the most.

As I write for myself and no other, my sole concern is wrapping my ideas and ideals into an aesthetic form solely for the third, only occasionally dipping into the first, low Art. I find absolutely nothing appealing with the middle tier of emotion because I am not emotional. I am a soulless bug-person.

>I was always confused at the lack of passion in his work, until he literally admitted in the last poetry thread that he doesn't "go for emotion", and that poetry to him was entirely clinical.

Poe also believed it was entirely clinical as did the symbolists who based their work off of his, and these same symbolists were far more interested in consumption of ideas and the mingling of sensations than in earnest emotions.

>What the fuck? What is the point of purely objective poetry?

My own aesthetic pleasure and the craft of refinement, once again, I write like I would do any other skill.

>His poetry is hackish and pseudo

You’re free to believe that anon, give concrete examples without emotion.

>>17736338
>In my eyes there’s broadly speaking three categories of Art and this schema I get from goethe.
>1=low Art which at most

I literally stopped reading right there. I don't need some sort of RUBRIC to know what is and isn't art, the same way I don't NEED a rubric to know if I like a song or not. You got a guideline for which dildo you like to fuck yourself with? How about a pie chart to specify which dick you like to such most?

You're literally the most soulless """"""""""""poet"""""""""" I've ever met, and your poetry is the rhetorical equivalent of raw flour. Byron would be rolling in his grave if you ever tried to compare yourself with him.

>>17736382
>I literally stopped reading right there. I don't need some sort of RUBRIC to know what is and isn't art, the same way I don't NEED a rubric to know if I like a song or not. You got a guideline for which dildo you like to fuck yourself with? How about a pie chart to specify which dick you like to such most?

Eh, not gay as I’m not ruled over by raw passions of a queer type, but if I were I most certainly would produce charts and maps and analyze the whole process. There is no better pleasure to me than dividing and re-arranging things into a cube for analysis.

> You're literally the most soulless """"""""""""poet""""""""""

I take that as a compliment, I consider passion and desire not directed towards the spiritual to be more or less worthless. As such greyness is a good, I also wouldn’t classify myself as a poet. My poetry is not for the sake of poetry, it is for a purely religious purpose.

>I've ever met, and your poetry is the rhetorical equivalent of raw flour.

Well yeah, if I were to write for others or concerning the ideas that others care about I would employ various rhetorical schema, I have no interest in proselytizing nor in producing strong rhetoric, I simply am interested in cold raw refinement of technical aspects, such as sound, imagery produced, narrative and re-clothing the ancient ideas I obsess over.

>Byron would be rolling in his grave if you ever tried to compare yourself with him.

Not a fan of Byron, much more a fan of Blake’s explicitly religious poetry. Same with Swinburne or Mallarme, Blake would likely disagree with my sentiments as overly Urizen-like, but Swinburne and mallarme would probably be fine with the sentiment and would complain about the lack of skill.

Why do you consider emotion so essential?

>>17736432
>Why do you consider emotion so essential?

Oh, gee, hmmm, why do I consider emotion; aka, the most important facet of what makes us human, essential? Wow bro, that's a tough one. I'm absolutely floored now that you put it that way. Give me a moment while I run your query through a calculator.

>>17735601
thanks, anon. yeah it was the breeze one, i can't remember how it went tho. maybe that line'd be better simply as "but nothing comes" idk. usually i try to post as soon something pops into my head

my own issues with namefag anon's efforts is the lack of playfulness and musicality, there's a by numbers feeling to them, words used as lego blocks, not as interesting elements in their own right

>>17736492
I don’t consider emotions the most important part, I consider reason the most important part of humanity, what differentiates us from animals is not emotions, animals clearly have them. We are different because we have reason and that is why we have society, technology, the arts and sciences. I would have no problem with an actual rational explanation for why you value emotion other than you personally holding them as the standard for what makes humanity human.

>>17736532
That’s fair enough, I consider words to be syllabic blocks and I force some level of musicality by blunt measures, like rhyme, alliteration, Sibilance and so forth. I’ve written one poem with concern just for word beauty and nothing else and that was constructed out of reading a couple studies which analyzed the aesthetic beauty of certain words and produced a database and calculation method which found “tremulous” to be one of the most efficient aesthetic words. I’m also interested in Phonaesthesia, but yeah I totally agree, I’m more concerned with schemas, structures and the like than the playfulness with certain particular words. I’ll try to pay further attention to musicality.

>>17736567
How's this for reason? I reason that you're a fag.

>>17736584
You’re free to believe that, anon.

>>17736591
*continue to believe

This isn't the first time I've thought that way about you

Negro cock, so scrumptious and dark
Suck three, four, five in the park
Squeal with joy as they make their mark
With seed so ample and smelling of bark
How I love the negro cock in the park!

>>17736173
I want to see her blacked, talk about her being stuffed with black cocks, otherwise decent

>>17736074
also excellent, the eroticism is tasteful and engaging

>>17736606
You do you. In any case Here’s three more poems which are interconnected.

Three poems in pastiche of the ancient Semitic style
Poem 1:The praise of the Idolater

frankincense, Storax and balsam most precious
burn before the altar of chemosh Bel
“before ba’al burn, before him! the jealous!
bring your sons to burn! for Ba’al the jealous!” 
frankincense, Storax and burning blood I smell

before ba’al, his priests pray and cast their spell
his open burning mouth, eyes of green beryl
“bow before me” and before ba’al I fell
before burnt balsam and babes, to him I fell
“praise him, the terrible, at your own peril “

i saw them dancing there, in their apparel
his insignia, his signet and sigil 
glowed with the same glory of his green beryl
they led me away, away from the vigil
I heard them as I left “praise the green beryl
i heeded them as I left, I praised ba’al

frankincense, Storax and balsam I still smell
as I left the temple of ba’al chemosh
honored by frankincense, Storax and balsam.
with frankincense, Storax and balsam I fell

Poem:2 The Lament of the Idolater

the bitter smoke I smelled, the burning temples
pylon and pillar are burnt into piles ashed
destroyed by devils, Israel, the rebels
Israel, nation of devils and rebels
even bel, everlasting Ba’al chemosh, smashed
his crimson carbuncle teeth fallen and cracked
his priests lay pierced, pouring forth their crimson blood
even his holy place, his face was attacked
his temple, this, his holy place was attacked
his incense and his jewels lay mixed with mud

Israel, the rebels, return in a flood
carrying away the precious water stones
the Gold articles, the gems mixed with the mud
may chemosh mangle them, may Mosh have their bones
ba’al chemosh, who’s beryl eye sits in the mud
mosh with your jaw, mosh with your maw, chew their bones

hear me, hear my cry, as I cry out with groans
mosh with moans, chemosh, many must be mangled
all their young strangled and smashed against the stones
hear my lament, Lord, bash them against the stones

Next post will have the third poem.

>>17736636
Poem 3:The conversion of the Idolater

the fumes of frankincense, Stacte and galbanum
flew High as I hid away, to Yah’s temple
trumpets roaring, lambs blood pouring, their custom
“shout for the shining ephod!” as was custom
a ghost was about that place, something special

“I must remember this is the false devil
the temple of Israel, foe of ba’al”
but the ghost grabbed my soul, caused me to revel
the ghost of God grasped my soul, my soul revels

I knew now we were the rebels, our temples
Baal was the devil, Praise be to elohim
El who dwells in me, who’s eyes are not pebbles
rebuke from me the idol devils, like dreams
vanish then, like dreams, destroy the stone idols
idols of stone, be broken into pebbles

the fumes of frankincense, Stacte and galbanum
live while the lies of idols, like a man’s dreams
are crushed like pebbles, like his false stone temples
his priests pierced, praise be to Yah, Yah, halluyah

>>17736629
>Negro cock, so scrumptious and dark
>Suck three, four, five in the park
>Squeal with joy as they make their mark
>With seed so ample and smelling of bark
>How I love the negro cock in the park!

For someone just fucking around, this was actually surprisingly pretty good.

>>17736646
:)

"A Poem For My Brother" by Anonymouse No. 17766XX

I once threw an Astronaut, out into exitspace
He held my throat, with grip and rope, and held me to his face
I felt a stirring lust in me, I didn't want to die
Not me right here! Not me right now! I bit and tore and cried.

And I once sunk a pirate ship, from port to starboard side
He rammed my men, sunk half and then, he fired cannon-wide
With swinging rope and boarding axe, I killed him and his crew
I will not die, not now, not I! With life I am not through

I once slew the Lord of Ill, as he laid upon my chest
I coughed up blood 'til breathe I could, I waited, didn't rest
And when he came to take a pulse, I tore right through his neck
And with his blood, a warning stood, I drafted Death a check

I lived a life of misery, I lived a life so fair
But though my life extends out there, this life I cannot share
Death will come and take my place, he'll cut my throat in sleep
But not today, I dare to say. I hunt Death at his feet.

>>17736687
Whoops, misspelled "Anonymous" and messed up on the numbering lol. Oh well, you get the point.

>>17736105
I like his poetry. With each poem that Frater he goes in-depth, picking apart each line making the tiniest most painstaking suggestions. He is obviously more knowledgeable of the craft than someone like you who just repeats the same trite criticism over and over again.

>>17736173
This sounds as though it sort of wants to be a limerick.

Natalia's so sweet. You should see her,
Upholding the law for Crimea!
It gives me a tingle
Just knowing she's single:
I'd gobble her like a tortilla!

It's so intriguing you ought to know,
but it's so deceiving they told you no,
found it so grieving that you caught them deceiving you made them intriguing

>>17736173
yeah, this is bad.

>>17736902
bravo

>>17736888
Soooooooo, you like his poetry because he puts in a lot of time to make it as complicated as possible? That's why you like it? Because it's..."painstaking"?

Not that there's anything WRONG with painstaking, but if you're going to "go in-depth", than you better make an absolute hoot of a poem, which he fails to do every single time. And what the fuck do you know about me? Because I don't write in archaic tones like him, or namedrop famous poets like him (as if that means anything to anyone), then that means he's somehow "more knowledgeable about the craft" than I am?

My "same trite criticism" is the ONLY criticism I need to completely dismantle his work one stanza at a time. Poetry without soul is not poetry; it's vanity.

He's a pseud, and he swooned you with his pretentious poetry, and his hackish rhetoric. He deflects genuine criticism at his style by invoking poetic giants and using them as literary shields-- the 30 year old equivalent of hiding behind mommy's skirt. He then hopes that idiots like you will be intimidated by his extensive knowledge of people far more charismatic and interesting than him, in the hopes that you'll be too cowed to want to think for yourselves. But if you call him out for what he is, his only REAL comeback is "lol, that's just, like, my style, man".

I dislike the pretentious, and I dislike hacks. I dislike it a hundred times over when they're both.

>>17737068
>than you better make an absolute hoot of a poem, which he fails to do every single time.

By what definition and what criteria? Your definition of success is emotion and I despise emotion in poetry.

>And what the fuck do you know about me? Because I don't write in archaic tones like him,

There is literally nothing wrong with archaic tones Anon, no one said you must and I see no reason why I shouldn’t try to write like the stuff I actually enjoy instead of the stuff you enjoy.


>or namedrop famous poets like him (as if that means anything to anyone),

It’s not name-dropping, it’s citation, reference and allusion. I bring them up for specific purposes when they’re relevant, should we try to avoid bringing up material when it’s relevant? There’s no inherent power behind citation of names and I only do it when I believe it fits the context. I’m sure you do the very same.

> My "same trite criticism" is the ONLY criticism I need to completely dismantle his work one stanza at a time. Poetry without soul is not poetry; it's vanity.

Vanity, What is vanity, obsession with the external for its own sake, obsession with passing things and obsession with ones self, seeing things in yourself and raising yourself up for things that do not exist. If I wrote to satisfy my desires or emotions, to lift myself up rhetorically, sure you could call that vanity. But I write primarily concerning the spiritual and mystical, things I reckon eternal, and when I am not, I am writing with no relation to my own identity such as the last two poems posted. No part of me is glorified, rather something different and separate from myself is produced and in my eyes it shines brighter the more I annihilate my own identity within the act of creation. You’re free to believe it is vanity but actually define what you mean by vanity then we can see if without emotion it falls under the category.

> He's a pseud,

In which regard, I study what I study based on my own pleasure and try to refine to the level I consider the best. If you consider striving for the highest quality one sees possible to be the act of a pseud, so be it I am one.

>and he swooned you with his pretentious poetry,

Pretentious is usually meaningless, I have explicitly stated that I am more interested in imitation of the greats because in my mind that’s what beauty looks like, explain to me why this is bad.

Cont

>>17737173
>and his hackish rhetoric. He deflects genuine criticism at his style by invoking poetic giants

Genuine critique would be a question of technical skill not of content. No matter if I were to write in perfect pentameter, hexameter or free verse nor if I were with absolute elegance and perfection in technical matters would it really matter in this regard because the critique you present isn’t of form but of content, and I do not care about critique of content as I am writing for my own enjoyment so the content itself is key to my own pleasure. Why would I make something I didn’t enjoy reading?

>and using them as literary shields-- the 30 year old equivalent of hiding behind mommy's skirt.

Whole bunch of pathos, again see above, its citation, reference and allusion. This isn’t a question of defense and if you spoke of a technical failure I would listen to it absolutely.

>He then hopes that idiots like you will be intimidated by his extensive knowledge of people far more charismatic and interesting than him,

Not at all, I specifically and knowing construct what I write intentionally, if I were to after the fact claim some writer or the like as justification and then struck down every critique against me, then sure you would have an argument. But I accept critique and plan what I write, I actually begin with the concept and the structure of the poem and then think of what styles I wish to write in and then slowly construct it all, the actual writing and words are the last aspect of my consideration.


>in the hopes that you'll be too cowed to want to think for yourselves.

Not really, why do you feel intimidated or attacked?

>But if you call him out for what he is, his only REAL comeback is "lol, that's just, like, my style, man".


But it is, it is literally the style that the ancients used to get better and refine the art, you and I are not better than the ancients and I do not enjoy contemporary works up to the modern period. Why should I write in a way with a content that I do not enjoy? Your argument is not a question of form, you’re concerned with emotions and I am not. I’m fine with being unoriginal as I do not think newness is the measure of quality. If I am a hack so be it. Again, I rather try to write like the things I actually enjoy than write like things I do not. And the way I write mirrors the way I think mentally. You may not like it, but I mustn’t produce something that goes against my ideals and personal tastes. I’m sure if you named your favorite poets I would dislike them and I’m sure you would dislike a number of my favorite poets also. There’s no reason you have to get heated over differences in taste.

I dislike the pretentious, and I dislike hacks. I dislike it a hundred times over when they're both.

>>17737214
>I dislike the pretentious, and I dislike hacks. I dislike it a hundred times over when they're both.

You’re free to dislike as you please. Show me your poetry and I’ll honestly tell you if I like it or dislike it.

>>17731756

My father the crab, my father the Titan
No injustice which he can't be smitin'
No lack of energy for engaging in fightin'
Never despairs at enemies bitin'

My father the boulder, my father the oak
Terrorists and bureaucrats don't make him choke
Always has smiles and wisdom to soak
My lazy dumbass. He's the opposite of broke

My father the hero, my father the beast
I have yet to meet anyone who could cook a better feast

Just wrote this to honour the man.

>>17732584
I'm a sucker for rhymes but this is nicely melancholic.
>>17733021
:(
>>17735021
Lmao is this really in a book? Not bad but a bit pretentious for my tastes desu

>>17737173
>>17737214
>>17737217
I'll give you this much. If words were food, you'd be full of shit.

>>17737275
So what does this do Aesthetically, sounds like something some random hipster would say. I’m not really impressed. Actually try, give something you actually put deep effort into, show me what your highest refinement can do.

I’ll be completely honest, I’ll tell you if I’m impressed, if I like it, if it does anything to my emotions, I hold no bias. I am not ashamed to post what I’ve written, neither should you.

>>17737304
It's a saying. To break it down for your autistic self, it basically means "I don't respect you enough to do what you're asking of me."

Now maybe if you said "please" and sucked my dick for half a minute, I just might post a poem for you. But no toothies, and no hands. Just blowies.

>>17737359
>"I don't respect you enough to do what you're asking of me."

If you won’t show your own work and will continue to dwell in your own homosexuality, then I guess I really should just leave you to your own devices and queer fantasies, have a nice day otherwise!

>>17737385
Fuck you too

>>17737399
Have a lovely day!

>>17737404
Frater, a word of advice: don't argue with idiots, they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience

>>17737421
Get off his dick, he's a grown man, he can defend himself

>>17737421
Eh it’s fine Anon. I was hoping to see his best, but if he just wants to insult there’s nothing really else to do but disengage and wish him a good day with himself.

>>17737430
Eh I don’t feel like arguing or shitposting, better to do that on other boards I find.

My darling rasta cocoa bean,
split open, roasted, posed,
keeps quiet whilst I keep unsheathed,
this seed of lust I know.

My darling rasta cocoa bean,
whose little pod caressed,
who shies too quick from yearning flick,
who curls at her toes.

Petit' little cocoa bean,
I wonder if you've been.
To be with me, and feel with deep
the stretching from within.

Too shelled inside, your pride unwind
so I should hardly know.
My darling rasta cocoa bean,
split open, roasted, posed.

>>17736105
>>17736584
>>17736606
>>17737068
>>17737275
>>17737359
>>17737399
>>17737430
Stop ruining the poetry thread

>>17733202
lol

This one is for Nicole. The only black girl I ever dated, and also coincidentally the only girl who loved me as much as I loved her. I'm sorry I let you go, and if I could go back in time, I probably wouldn't have taken that scholarship, and we'd probably be talking about marriage by now. You and I shared a lot of "firsts" together, and I think in a different life, you were meant to be my "first" wife. Also, just so you know, I no longer browse /pol/.

My darling rasta cocoa bean,
split open, roasted, posed,
keeps quiet whilst I keep unsheathed,
this seed of lust I know.

My darling rasta cocoa bean,
whose little pod caressed,
who shies too quick from yearning flick,
who curls at her toes.

Petit' little cocoa bean,
I wonder if you've been.
To be with me, and feel with deep
the stretching from within.

Too shelled inside, your pride unwind
so I should hardly know.
My darling rasta cocoa bean,
split open, roasted, posed.

>>17737502
I've been making and contributing to poetry threads for a long, long time now. If you happen to frequent these threads as much as I do, there's a very good chance you've read one of my poems, and perhaps even complimented it as well.

I may speak aggressively in my day-to-day life (Large Irish-American family from the East coast, so I learned to talk loud), but I'm no slouch when it comes to poetry.

>>17737548
>Too shelled inside, your pride unwind
>so I should hardly know.
>My darling rasta cocoa bean,
>split open, roasted, posed.
The last four lines are really good, and it kind of reminds me of those dirty letters people like James Joyce or Amadeus would write to their wives

>>17731756
gay
i'm gay
really super gay like it's unbelievable
men men men men men
I like poetry because I'm
gay
gay
because i like poetry
chicken follows egg
gay follows me
tom cruise
gay

I like the beginning of this, but am less than satisfied with the middle going towards the ending. Anyone have any advice?

>>17735021
There's problems with each, so let me just tackle the first one: the first line "University Degree" should be the title. From there, you need to extrapolate the imagery. Right now, the sentences are dead on the page, more like song lyrics (if I'm being generous) than language working with its movement. Also, try to say less and play more with what you're saying. Nothing here is new, even with what you're saying, and it makes the reader feel cold. Each one of your sentences is more interesting by what it's not saying than what it is: for instance, that you use "university" as opposed to "college." Point being, there's a lack of rhetorical engagement with meaning besides the very, very skimmed surface.

>>17737261
"My father the crab" is a hilarious first sentence and should take the lead. It carries enough weight where you could expand out from it (either following the crab / oceanic theme or go somewhere else). When you get into the boulder and oak stuff it gets really generic, and the rhyming is flat-out bad. I know you're doing this off the cuff and with a lot of goofy humor, but if you really tried, beginning with the crab image, it has potential. If you don't do it, then I'm going to steal it >:]

>>17733310
Eh, not quite clever enough to make it work for me, but def a good draft with potential. You need to either ground it more with tangible things (ie, nouns) by delving in more after the second line or by adding to that line. Close the gaps more too. The middle is wide-open, if you know what I mean, and so the ending can't have that closure that the poem relies on. Finally, there's a lot of astrological signs and to not set the Leo opposed from a diff one sort of makes this feel lackluster when I think it could be cheeky and subtle.

>>17736567
>what differentiates us from animals is not emotions
Man is said to be a reasoning animal. ... More often I have seen a cat reason than laugh or weep. Perhaps it weeps or laughs inwardly — but then perhaps, also inwardly, the crab resolves equations of the second degree.”
>>17736636
>>17736640
im normally in the camp that calls you soulless and cliched but whatever muse youve called to really worked for me on these ones. the allusions arent just there to reference something infinitely better in a cringy way but they create a sort of mystery and repetition. it feels like a similar nightmare to the book of revelations, without the listing of a billion barnyard animals with trumpets. it really shows how much difference not using overused adjectives and adverbs can make. maybe its because youve portrayed evil and destruction, which is all your god is good at
>praise him, the terrible, at your own peril
seems almost to be a sign sent to you about the You knoW wHo. jokes aside-and it was a joke pls dont respond in manuscripts-this one is good and i hope you continue down this style. i would put a coma after "i must remember"
>>17736629
masterful
>>17736068
an app on my phone that looks like a calculator but when you input a secret code, you find all my poetry. i hope to die without anyone finding out about it.
>>17736060
why are the best written ones always meta shitposts? i would love to see you write about something you truly loved. but as it is, its very pristine
>>17735423
love it. if youre not wholly against using punctuation, i would move the "like" to the upper line "just silly words, like:" cuz "like" looks very alone rn
>>17737826
actually perfect. im a slave to g*rls so this feels very transcendent and free like cosmic pepe in pic.
>>17736888
not him but theres a reason he gets the same criticism all the time.

>>17737548
>>17738340
Do me, do me!

>>17738340
>why are the best written ones always meta shitposts? i would love to see you write about something you truly loved. but as it is, its very pristine

I agree. I think it's because all these shitpost poems make the author feel loose and at ease, knowing that there's no true criticism coming their way, due to their easy-going subject matter. Since they feel loose and comfortable, it allows them to really open up creatively and perform at their best.

>love it. if youre not wholly against using punctuation, i would move the "like" to the upper line

Not him either, but I think it's because he wanted to keep the "hurts" and "words" rhyme as distinct as possible. It becomes harder to roll off the tongue if you move the "like" up a line, especially if you're getting in the groove of his poem for the first half a dozen lines.

bump lets gooooo

fuck i wrote a bunch of stuff then i pressed esc

>>17738782
covid lockdowns
gave me the downs
so, to show him
i wrote a poem


This gray room is my world.
This wooden roof is my sky.
That glass window's my portal
To which I've said goodbye.

This black desk is my school,
where my short time I spend.
This shiny black mirror
Is my new best friend.

It shows me the funny,
the angry, the strange and the sad.
It let's me pretend I see people
For which I'm quite glad.

For if such a pretension
I could not maintain,
I am quite certain
I would go insane.

>>17738441
ill do you... in the asshehehheh
>>17737548
if i was analytical, id say the musicality took time to appreciate because of the inconsistent rhyming scheme but eventually i got it. i didnt like
>unsheathed
>your pride unwind
i liked
>I wonder if you've been
>who curls at her toes
and this made me pic
>To be with me, and feel with deep
>the stretching from within

but the problem is, im not attracted to black girls. im (cursed/brainwashed to be) attracted towards white girls who look like boys who look like girls. now initially i wrote a huge paragraph pondering on wether or not art should be as universal as possible and leave specific personal beauties up to the imagination to truly transcend but then i accidentally deleted it so im gonna take that as a sign that it wasnt worth taking seriously. what i will say is that your description is enjoyable and i liked its repetition. but a very subtle problem that may be very very personal is that "cocoa bean" makes me imagine a taste and smell of something edible, and eating/the smell of edible things are a turn off for me so that hurt the lusty feels.

i know this is more lust based but seems like (maybe in a different poem) there could be details about what kind of a person she was and your history and seperation. also i hope you didnt actually post her pic
>>17738294
just finish the wave. the scene is unclear and i like that.
>>17738497
if the coma doesnt do enough to stop ppl at "words", then okay its justified. ur right it may hurt the groove. what i thought could be interesting is if he had the last line as the title and just left the last line as "like". maybe its stupid and not his style but just wanted to mention.
>>17739088
obv well written, especially the conclusion but i sperg out at anything relavent
>>17736532
>>17737068
personally i just dislike that its unoriginal. if it was emotionless and cold it would be good, but it pretends to have emotion which is why they dont work. but i like his last one in three parts

>>17738340
>Man is said to be a reasoning animal. ... More often I have seen a cat reason than laugh or weep. Perhaps it weeps or laughs inwardly — but then perhaps, also inwardly, the crab resolves equations of the second degree.”

Birds and elephants mourn, monkeys laugh and play, bulls rage. Etc.

> they create a sort of mystery and repetition. it feels like a similar nightmare to the book of revelations

It’s probably because I’m knowingly copying the Semitic style and I know it very well.

> maybe its because youve portrayed evil and destruction,

Edgy stuff is always fun.

> pls dont respond in manuscripts-

Kek, but yeah thanks anyways. I’ll probably write another using this same formula.

>>17739323
>personally i just dislike that its unoriginal.

What’s wrong with unoriginal? I see writing shorter poems more or less like grinding the skill ya know, the more serious poems I’ve written will all be rather long pieces and sure they will still pastiche and imitate heavily but I think their philosophical content is usually pretty unique.

>if it was emotionless and cold it would be good but it pretends to have emotion

Gotta write in a way that fits the overall aesthetic and idea, I think when trying to imitate and integrate its best to approach a work or an author from themselves ya know. If I wanted to integrate arnaut Daniel I’d probably be posting a lot of love/romantic poems, know what I mean.

But thanks about the last three. I think I just have to get better at blending the imitations.

How many angels
Can we make dance
On the head of a pin?

I ask of the ancients
To take their stance
On the state we are in

>>17739088
It took alot of balls to rhyme show him and poem and I appreciate shit like that.
I can see a rythmic pattern to the parallels of the outside world with lockdown world and the simplicity of how we've all substituted one world for another really taps at that longterm quarantine feeling.
I will say that while I think it absolutely benefits from simplicity it doesn't have very much to say afterwards, it wont take up a place on someone's mind for too long but that being said it doesn't need to. Its perfectly accessible and is pretty good because of it. Good Job!
>>17737826
> I like poetry because I'm
>gay, gay
>because I like poetry
Damn anon, that's pretty good. This was a hilarious poem to read and while its very comedic you showed more skill than alot of other joke poems. Not entirely sure about Tom Cruise though.
>>17739623
short and poignant, I'm reluctant to call it simple though. From my glance, I can see a concerned inquiry on the modern world and I do like it alot. The metaphor of angels on a pin isn't used often.


I want You to know that I hate you
your eyes reading words that aren’t meant for you
Did it feel good? To lay it all down, to betray and to lose
You did lose, you know? Cracked Your skull open and let the
grey (gray?) grey
matter ooze into bowls all prettied up and easy to digest.
Go back, what’s with that, You feel good? To change for them like a hot date?
you feel good? you voyeuristic scum. I want you to suffer
words like daggers to cut and to strip and to run on and on and on because I hate you
so so so much.
I hate You, You traitor, You rat, served me stale and rotten and like a pile of wet twisted maggots and pus ridden wounds, for how smart You want to be You couldn’t see that the moment You sat down pen to head, scalpel to paper, You lost me, lost the You in me, because there is no me and you (you and I?) want you to die
want you to stop those prying eyes which writhe and slide in sockets I do not reside
want you blinded by my words, like a song of severed retina
a poem of pierced pupils
an alliteration of astigmatism for all and any and everything I could use to express to you the full truth of
I utterly despise you
so do not read me and do not write me but both of those are null and void
The price is what is and the reward in what isn’t.
Like your pretentious little eyes which I hope are red with grief and cry
and that’s The Price
and Your averted shameful gaze of treacherous guilt’s praise
and that’s The Price
and the purpose You gave onto me which I have fulfilled with entropy, my despoiled freedom as to what I could be, now just things of obscure pointless meaning
the ruined corpse of creativity now reads its final eulogy to strangers dull and unfeeling.
and that’s The Price

>>17736687
I enjoyed this Anonymouse, it gives off the feeling of a sea shanty with the flow and the rythm of the poem. I can imagine the fierce look of a grizzled man of indestinct time and period telling the story to his children.
My critique is that some of the words need to be stretched a bit to accomodate that rhyme scheme, like blood and could, and that can throw the flow of the poem of balance.
You also may have accidentally made the poem hyper sexual for alot of readers by using lust as a synonym for excitement in the first stanza. that makes lines like
>he rammed my men, sunk half and then, he fired cannon-wide
appear as an odd description of a homosexual pirate gang bang. Especially with the phallic imagery of the cannon. I don't think this is what you were going for though since you probably would've used blasting rope instead of swining rope in the next line.

>>17739390
i wanna pick your brain just a bit more before it gets tiresome, if u dont mind ofc
>Birds and elephants mourn, monkeys laugh and play, bulls rage. Etc.
well they reason too. surely its the degree that seperates us and not a specific quality, since we are animals.

but one interesting thing is, is that i believe all arts have some musicality in them that gives them their aesthetic foundation. i say musicality and not theatrality or whatever because (insturmental) music has that quality without any semantic meaning imposed upon it, so could be seen as art in its purest form or whatever (along with shapes maybe, but music is more visceral for some reason and specific in the response it gets). and what musical perception boils down to is our ears confusing ability to calculate frequencies and assign meaning and very specific and even alien emotions to the complexity or simplicity their ratios create. its a language made out of emotion in a way, without any ideas, semantic meaning, reasoning or even empathy. when we look at other arts, they seem to use those (ideas, words, empathy...) things as a substance (like sound) to fashion art out of by giving it form through musicality. but in the end what gives it the artiness is our ability to communicate through this abstract language of emotion we call music. so thats why i believe emotion (like music) is at the core of poetry. and you have to feel the emotion yourself to communicate using that language no? so why not write about something you do feel like maybe your religious feelings. and isnt art supposed to be transcendent, like it mirrors the work of god by creating something new? so why shouldnt it be original?
>>17739746
though its too slam poetry for me, it flows well and directly conveys pure hate and angst. i wouldnt put grey gray grey cuz it takes the tension out a bit. it works well when you do "you and i" so maybe do it in two other places to have done it three times. actually i might save this to read it when im in that mood cuz it works prtty good. heres a hate poem i wrote

"I Hate You"

Ringed so true
I wrote it down
And I'll read
So you frown

>>17739885
I'm glad that it got the pure anger and hatred part. I wanted that to be a universal feeling from reading it. The grey gray grey part wasn't entirely well explaned in the poem and it would work better without the sudden break.
I've actually found myself enjoying many of the short verse poems despite not writing in that style so "I Hate You" really rolls well with me when you consider the casual hatred that people feel towards one another.

Beginner here. Feedback is appreciated. If you see any obvious flaws, please tell me where I can read up on more of the mechanics of poetry.

Take my feedback with a grain of salt:

>>17732449
Up until:
>So that my Lucia seemed to me
Every odd-numbered line is good, every even numbered line feels out of place. It's uncanny; was this intended?

I like the second half, I'd drop the brackets if I were you. Also:
>So that she could not freely stir
>Those parts which maids keep unespied,
And a few other lines feel like you're trying to force a rhyme out of the poem. Maybe that's why the good and bad lines alternate, but I don't know.

>>17733021
I like this excerpt, although I'm pretty sure you're just memeing ITT. There's a nice rhythm to it.

>>17732584
The first and third stanzas are pretty good (though short, in my opinion), the second one is too wordy IMO. The question marks seem out of place, given the position and overall length of the poem, but that might just be me.

>>17731756
The thing I wanted
Was you

What did I do
To you

I don't understand
I just want to hold your hand

>>17737261
The second stanza should be the whole poem.
>>17737548
meh
>>17737826
low effort crap
>>17739088
Rate others you fuck. But this is very good. Lines 3-4 are awful and should be removed.
>>17739746
Way to wordy
>>17731844
>>17733383
Me

>>17739885
>well they reason too.

I disagree that passions and reason are the same exact faculty, but rather passion and emotions are one particular aspect reason may manifest as. As such I would rather not bind all reason into passion/emotion.


>surely its the degree that seperates us and not a specific quality, since we are animals.

Depends on religious belief, but relation in quantities is what defines quality.


>but one interesting thing is, is that i believe all arts have some musicality in them that gives them their aesthetic foundation.

I disagree, all arts are harmonized by Ideal unities, whether these be harmony in sound, emotion or images or raw ideas, they all constitute the composition of the ideas which formulate the piece. You may say that this harmony is precisely music but that would make it utterly rational in nature and we would then just go into a Pythagorean argument about the music of the spheres.


>i say musicality and not theatrality or whatever because (insturmental) music has that quality without any semantic meaning imposed upon it,

I am of the belief that sounds like all things inherently have meaning to them based on the eidetic structure of the individual, by the fact of having an ego you have a self and other relationship, the reason divides them and defines them with meaning. The music we like is not without structure or form, or at least not universally. The greatest music in my opinion can speak and explain themselves and their meaning without saying a word, and then they blend wonderfully when you do add speech. Consider Scriabin’s vers la flamme, tell me that doesn’t tell the nature of Fire. Or listen to Schubert’s im fruhling and tell me that isn’t the beauty of spring.


>so could be seen as art in its purest form or whatever

I disagree, if by purest we mean to say with the least material bondage; in its most Raw form as just the interplay of man with artifice with nature? I would say the purest Art is ones inherent philosophy specifically their metaphysics and ontology, as this is the most intellectual/spiritual and least material of the arts, this is followed by literature and ends with the most material of earths in either architecture or the Gesamtkunstwerk.


>(along with shapes maybe, but music is more visceral for some reason and specific in the response it gets).

Ah I got you, you’re trying to say music is the most Dionysian, and to that I would say, it depends on the type of music you enjoy.


>and what musical perception boils down to is our ears confusing ability to calculate frequencies and assign meaning and very specific and even alien emotions to the complexity or simplicity their ratios create.

Cont

>>17740275
I wouldn’t define them all as emotional but as ranging from emotional to conceptual, and once again we don’t listen to random sounds which trigger a visceral reaction out of us, music has been refined over and over again for thousands of years. Musical theory ought not exist if we simply viscerally were addicted to certain frequencies with no level of refinement to it.


>its a language made out of emotion in a way,

Not particularly, it’s still just eidetic data, the same way the poem which strives to induce a happy sunny image can do so with words so also can music and if our conditions, our subjective identity and the like were different it is likely we would have extremely different reactions. Example, the music I listen to is largely baroque, classical, folk both western, Asian and my own, disco and future funk since it’s just weeb disco. I cannot stand metal nor any overly emotional aspect because as I am myself not very emotional I do not buy it, I do not feel anger when I hear a metal song, in fact In my culture it’s a well known thing that we actually get angry and violent and energetic around calm and sappy music! Music communicates but it is not through a pure language of shared emotions, it has concepts and patterns and methods, but there’s no musical way of just shouting “beauty beauty beauty” until the animal nature bursts with pleasure.

>without any ideas, semantic meaning, reasoning or even empathy.

I mean, I’ll use the most common dudes I possibly can, this doesn’t work when we consider Bach or Mozart nor Beethoven. Nor does it work if we just consider Marvin Gaye or Stevie wonder or even Barry white. There are clear formulae, reasons, ideas and so forth conveyed.


>when we look at other arts, they seem to use those (ideas, words, empathy...) things as a substance (like sound) to fashion art out of by giving it form through musicality. but in the end what gives it the artiness is our ability to communicate through this abstract language of emotion we call music.


I disagree entirely, there’s no music when I look at John coulthard nor gustav moreau’s art and yet I continuously return to them both. But I don’t like emotion or sentimentality in any art I consume so this doesn’t really work. Question of tastes you know?


>so thats why i believe emotion (like music) is at the core of poetry.

I don’t believe that genuine emotion is at the heart of it, no. Experience? Ideas? Reason? Sure, and reason can play a major role but I don’t believe so. If I look at many of the ancients I don’t see the emotions pouring out of them. They have both the ice cold beauty and a sentimental mushy one.


>and you have to feel the emotion yourself to communicate using that language no?

I don’t believe so and I believe if required emotions can and ought to be faked in accordance with the rhetorical and aesthetic needs of the piece.

Cont

>>17740289
>so why not write about something you do feel like maybe your religious feelings.

But anon, I do. My religious feelings are towards God in his great and terrible and abstract aspect, I consider God to be reason itself in perfection. My strongest religious euphoria has always been induced by ice cold contemplation, my love of God is a love and a fire but it is towards God who is all reason, all knowledge and all structure. This is precisely why I put so much emphasis on Syllable and gematria count, though no one else sees it. I am writing prayers with my numbers towards God. Though no one can hear it, all must be pervaded with that harmony. Example that poem towards the music, it has precisely 45 lines, 45 in gematria is Adam, it had precisely 441 syllables, which is to say, truth but as a name of God(AMTh in Hebrew.) thus the poem invokes the Man who is truth, thus Christ. Almost all of my poetry in fact has hidden gematric and cryptographic elements which express my devotion.

>and isnt art supposed to be transcendent, like it mirrors the work of god by creating something new?


I see art as demiurgy, you’re annihilating your identity and aspects to create a world of harmonies of ideas and Images of your own precise control and feeling, to me this is beautiful itself.


>so why shouldnt it be original?

Original isn’t a problem but if you are to appeal to my Christian sentiment, it is because nothing is original and perpetual refinement is tasked to us. Wagner says man is nature made conscious of itself, and art is collective man becoming conscious of itself. He further argues that art takes the ideal and material world, fold it in upon itself through art and expands it through this self-enveloping process, thus expanding the range of phenomena and enlargement the world.

Why would I not see that as lovely and as the true way to go further? We stand upon the shoulders of giants as the saying goes, I shall never be as good, never as tall as those whom I consider the best, but if I can climb on their back towards some height and see much further than I ever possibly could otherwise, why wouldn’t I?
Kek sorry if this was too much of a reply, manuscript and all. To summarize, you’re speaking to someone who thinks bugperson and computer is a compliment.

>>17739088
this is me
>>17739323
Thank you! I don’t really write or read poetry, I was just feeling down so I decided to do something creative. I wrote some poems in elementary school, that’s about it.
>>17739746
Yeah it took me a while to think of that rhyme
Honestly I don’t know anything fancy about poetic rythmn or structure, I just kept writing and tweaking until it “felt right”. I know some baby tier stuff but that’s it.
>>17740171
I thought about it but again I don’t really have anything meaningful to say other than “eh” or “that’s cool”
Which lines are you referring to? The one about the window or the show-him part?

>>17740275
>>17740289
>>17740300
ok this has gotten tiresome. you obviously agree and know about the core of the thing i said.

what i tried to explain was the basics of pythagorean forms and music theory. music theory does ultimately study the same fundemental frequency ratios (not certain frequencies but ratios, this is very important and we are very autistic about it in the same way you are about your ghost books) that we are addicted to. all musical music boils down to tension-resolution. complex ratio-simple ratio. 1-4-5, 2-5-1... but this isnt reason. there is no reason for this other than its our inate aesthetic desire. and aesthetic desires are feelings in my book, because they are.
>Experience? Ideas? Reason?
these arent art without the musicality, without the form and structure you say binds you with god. that musicality is only there because it is felt as an emotion. its not reasonably neccesary

anyways, if you were true to yourself (not neccesarily sincere) and made bugperson computer poetry, it would be beautiful. but you are actively trying to write like all those passionate poets and it comes off as bad. if youre not concerned with originality, why not just copy and paste dante?

>>17740625
>ok this has gotten tiresome. you obviously agree and know about the core of the thing i said.

Eh, if I agreed more I’d say I’d have agreed more. Kek.

>what i tried to explain was the basics of pythagorean forms and music theory. music theory does ultimately study the same fundemental frequency ratios (not certain frequencies but ratios, this is very important and we are very autistic about it in the same way you are about your ghost books) that we are addicted to. all musical music boils down to tension-resolution. complex ratio-simple ratio. 1-4-5, 2-5-1... but this isnt reason.
there is no reason for this other than its our inate aesthetic desire.

You say inherent aesthetic desire, I hear inherent reason within the faculties of man and the inherent reason and order and patterns of the music and notes themselves. I’m a Hegelian anon, if something is actual I believe it is rational and vice versa.


>and aesthetic desires are feelings in my book, because they are.

Aesthetic pleasure is one part sensuous and one part ideal, aesthetic desire is of the same blend. But this need not necessarily be emotional in nature. The emotional however is a large and common option.

> and structure you say binds you with god. that musicality is only there because it is felt as an emotion. its not reasonably neccesary

And I disagree, that musicality is there because of the rational pattern, structure and our self relation to it, emotion is not necessary for this. Again if it was simply a matter of music inducing emotions we should be able to have a pattern of sound which always universally produces the emotional experience of beauty and pleasure and yet the diversity of music and tastes in music proves otherwise.

> anyways, if you were true to yourself (not neccesarily sincere) and made bugperson computer poetry,

I am, anon, we could have different conceptions of what is beautiful and what constitutes beautiful. Last poem I wrote with full effort took a solid 7 pages of break down to explain all of the little codes and the like within it.

>trying to write like all those passionate poets and it comes off as bad.

That’s fair enough though I would rather think it’s a question of my lack of skill at imitation and with more writing I will eventually be able to fake it more perfectly.

>if youre not concerned with originality, why not just copy and paste dante?

I often do! That’s why I write in terza rima and in one of my last poems restated the imagery of Dante! I can usually isolate which authors I’m trying to imitate on a stanza by stanza level. I’m trying to grind that down to imitation on a line by line level.

Apologies if this was tiresome for you anon.

>>17737173
>I despise emotion in poetry.

>>17740764
frater are u trollin??
>I’m a Hegelian anon
me too but only on weekends
>Aesthetic pleasure is one part sensuous and one part ideal
its caused by an ideal, the pleasure is all parts sensual. this is the core of our disagreement. the sensual is the end, the ideals are means. otherwise we wouldnt do it. and so if sensual is the end, then all atributes that contribute to the sensual experience must be considered. you may be (intentionally) blind towards some of those atributes, but they take away from the experience, which is where the connection with the divine happens.
>rational pattern
the pattern isnt rational. i dont even know what the hell rational is supposed to mean in this context. we build art through those patterns but those patterns are only there in the first place because they feel good. they are "rational" to you because they are ordered in a way that pleases you aesthetically. but order doesnt mean rational does it? if it does, than the problem is solved, youre just using a wierd definition of rational.
>have a pattern of sound
but we do. the pattern is tension-resolution. 1-4-5. 2-5-1. tonic, sub tonic, dominant. if you get fundemental enough, music is very not diverse at all. its all icing on the cake of the same story
>it’s a question of my lack of skill at imitation
if its imitation at its core-and i have no arguments for this except for ppl here so dont at me-it will always taint the work and be felt
>I often do!
oh my fucking god =.=
>Apologies if this was tiresome for you anon.
it is but in a fun way. almost like existing.

>>17740587
>Which lines are you referring to
so, to show him
i wrote a poem
.>those

>>17741012
>its caused by an ideal, the pleasure is all parts sensual.

I disagree on principle that pleasure is fully a question of the sensual as I can and do induce much pleasure from contemplation and meditation.

>this is the core of our disagreement. the sensual is the end, the ideals are means.

Reverse to me, the sensual is the means to express the ideal end. I’m more interested in idea-consumption, this is explicitly why I don’t like yeats, he treats poetry in much the same way.

>otherwise we wouldnt do it.

Others wouldn’t but I do in accordance with my own Will.

>and so if sensual is the end, then all atributes that contribute to the sensual experience must be considered. you may be (intentionally) blind towards some of those atributes, but they take away from the experience, which is where the connection with the divine happens.

Again, I disagree that the sensual is the end goal. Here’s a poem I wrote a long while ago based on the exact opposite principle.

Orange Eidelion


past orange land and orange sky I cross
“it shall be four hundred times, yet I will not be content”

Event, I, Door, Eidetic, La, Idol, Oh, Not
darting towards the center of the Air
i went there so many times, nothing seems to change my mind

organon, Roar, Aleph, Night, Guilt, Ephemeral
there is neither blue nor silver nor dross
divide, re-arrange time, times, half a time in a moment

its eye roars from my void, a door of the endless
both formless and shapeless yet I am there

“obey our old order, organ of oblivion
evil nocturnal images do not plague me
I see regret and upon my tongue loss

yet it was not an order, they led me between spaces
the graven impermanence cries out “O and Naught”

orange and not circle, point, cross or square
without pattern or order, a mirror eidelion
i gazed upon the thundering beast with my eye
everything dissolves and loses its gloss
the checker patterned image, his ever morphing faces

when I stared at him I forgot what I forgot
in that hour the orange light pervades
they are all my own image, the orange of my own not

into and through the royal blue pearl gate I fly
leaving a image of an orange land
all bound into one image, not I, all other places
I rejected them all

Orange eidelion came to the land of thought
where regret and triumph always parades
an image of an image, wailing lion of my naught
beyond my heart’s Jewel, Orange Eidelion

> the pattern isnt rational.

All that is actual exists in accordance with an ordered structure, in hegelianism this actuality is the rational, the rational is the reason of Godhead, if it has an order it is ordered by the reason of Godhead. You obviously will disagree but this is where religious beliefs comes in so I don’t blame you.

> if its imitation at its core

I of course disagree, stone turned into block is a question of refinement, turning a black into a perfect brick is further refinement. Why not refine further down the same roads?

>>17741100
ill respond in reverse just to spice things up
>stone turned into block is a question of refinement
the core here is form, which you are imitating
>You obviously will disagree but this is where religious beliefs comes in so I don’t blame you
i dont outright disagree, but what i meant is youre using "reason" to mean that divine order. but in this context of art having order, is us enjoying microcosms of that order in art really strictly reasonable? my answer to this will be somewhat mystical and i suspect yours will be too. i dont see a cold rational reason here, but a fuzzier mystical one.
>poem I wrote a long while ago based on the exact opposite principle
than youve failed cuz the good parts of this poem are sensual
>Others wouldn’t but I do in accordance with my own Will
you only will it bcuz of its sensual nature
>express
>consumption
we would do neither if it wasnt for the sensualness that connects us to ideas
>as I can and do induce much pleasure from contemplation and meditation
sensual pleasure caused by ideals. our only way of connecting to the ideals are through the sensual

>>17741260
>the core here is form, which you are imitating

Oh I didn’t disagree with that, I was trying to cut away so I would have room to reply, I was disagreeing on the question of taint. Apologies for the miscommunication.

> i dont outright disagree, but what i meant is youre using "reason" to mean that divine order. but in this context of art having order, is us enjoying microcosms of that order in art really strictly reasonable? my answer to this will be somewhat mystical and i suspect yours will be too. i dont see a cold rational reason here, but a fuzzier mystical one.

To me mysticism isn’t fuzzy or vague but exact and rational since I do not go with the wet schools of mysticism. I would say our enjoyment of order is directly a question of intellect and reason enjoying the order as it is comprehending the harmony of elements.

> than youve failed cuz the good parts of this poem are sensual

Eh I disagree of course.

> you only will it bcuz of its sensual nature

Nah, I only began writing poetry as a means of furthering spiritual contemplation and mysticism, if I didn’t believe it allowed me to contemplate in a different way and soar higher mentally, I’d likely abandon the writing of it entirely. Poetry to me personally is nothing but a means towards aesthetic contemplation of divinity.

>sensual pleasure caused by ideals. our only way of connecting to the ideals are through the sensual

That’s a question of taste and ones particular motive, you say sensual ends brought about through ideal means, I say sensual means towards ideal consumption ends. I also disagree that the aesthetic is the only means towards knowledge of the formal/numinous, you have plenty of mystical schools which don’t care one bit for the aesthetic and can induce internal contemplation of such numinous things, many of them rejecting imagery and aesthetics entirely.

I think anon it’s a question of internal composition and taste. We have different hungers and goals. We are starting from two very different angles. So I don’t believe you’re wrong for your belief it’s just not based in the principles I hold.

>>17741356
>enjoying the order as it is comprehending the harmony of elements
and why does it do that? why does it enjoy harmony of elements? just cuz a divine order exists, why should it directly reasonably be that contemplating it be enjoyable?

>>17741427
>and why does it do that? why does it enjoy harmony of elements?

For it demonstrates the order that pervades it, and reason is itself Godhead, infinity, absolute bliss, perfection in all regards.

>just cuz a divine order exists, why should it directly reasonably be that contemplating it be enjoyable?

For the self, the identity exists in accordance with the reason in man which is based in perichoresis with the reason of god which creates all things in accordance with its Logic. Here have an entire tantric phenomenology which explains the relationship of Godhead with bliss/pleasure.

https://pastebin.com/AjzfzFTk

>>17741482
interesting ty

Undying spring of the heart

have you seen the land of green
where the gold light lies with leaves?
where drunken satyrs are seen
by all who believes in them?

where brave youths fight the dragon?
look where your soul is still white.
the heart, bright as blossoms
the heart who’s scent is the sun

where tears are spent over dolls
and the laughter never ends.
where the bees know the clover,
and snows know the unicorn.

where the light of one’s love lives
is the land of gold and green.

>>17739323
>what i thought could be interesting is if he had the last line as the title and just left the last line as "like". maybe its stupid and not his style but just wanted to mention.

Holy shit, that would be infinitely better and add some much needed layers to his poem. Good thinking.

>>17739861
Lol, I can assure you that I didn't mean for any intentional faggotry, but that's a funny analysis either way. I'm sure you're aware by now, but when I said "lust", it was purely in the archaic sense of the word; AKA "a strong and passionate emotion" as opposed to "I wanna have homosexual pirate love".

>>17739323
I take it back, I don't want you to do me anymore. Never rate me, or my son's poetry ever again.

>>17739323
>attracted towards white girls who look like boys who look like girls.

Huh? That’s a bit specific, what do you mean girls who look like boys who look like girls? You mean tomboys or petite girls or girls with overly excessive female aesthetics or girls with the generic e-girl look or girls who try to look like what trannies wish to be? It’s an awfully specific desire.

>>17736105
I have honestly never read a single one of the poems he posts out of principle. Fucking tripfaggot niggers ruin everything.

>>17732466
>fills the air

>>17733157
Read first line as “swim in the dark”

>>17734705
Now do sneed

>>17735165
Chamber pieces vs symphonies (prose)

>>17736105
>Nietzsche’s “a mediocre artist may live a more intersting life than the great [aescetic] one.” roughly
Unique angles have a charm of their own

>>17736629
I guffaw’d

>>17737068
>lol that’s, like my style, man
May be on to something. That all delineates a certain type here

>>17740050
>...soul to exalt

>>17742797
>...soul to exalt
I was going to use that, but I already used 'exalted' earlier in the poem. Although I think you're right, I may have wasted that word there. Thanks for the feedback though!

>>17740050
>Beginner here. Feedback is appreciated. If you see any obvious flaws, please tell me where I can read up on more of the mechanics of poetry.
I'd change the two lines to
>Sweat and toil, our diamond and gold,
>Every step, a labored new start

The princess
she’s in peril
yes
YES
The princess is stuck

>>17743232
Thanks anon! Those are great lines.

Do you see any glaring technical flaws? I want to know where I stand as a poet.

>>17742254
Man this made me feel good. Made me picture a utopia where I would now like to be.

Here's mine, I've never shared my poems with anyone so feedback is appreciated:

The flame inside
Scorching the organs

Smoldering

Smoldering like wrath
That tries to be free
But the shell is too strong

It makes the wrath grow stronger
Without giving it any pleasure
It barely contains it
But it cannot be suffocated

Wrote this a few nights ago, it's my first poem in honestly about 7 years. Not sure if it's any good tho.


Every man equal,
beneath the troubled earth,
no man granted sequel,
nor a second birth,
we see our father seldom.

We know not what took hold,
lay atop his grave, bright marigold,
we see our father welcome.

>>17732430
No passion, 4/10.
>>17732858
I love it, except for the last line. It's too abrupt, and too 'concrete'.
>>17735305
I'm a sucker for perseverance in things related to life, I like it.

>wake up
>ignore the billion buisness calls, the class i missed, the two seperate suicide texts from friends, the earthquake that happened while i was sleeping
>reply in poetry thread first

>>17742658
i mean female femboys, so tomboys but not masculine. theyre not that uncommon
>>17742624
heheh. i still liked it tho
>>17742547
i expect much from HIM. its a style that resonates with me, along with the really super gay one. i hope they bless every poetry thread
>>17744486
my instincts instantly wanted to find a way to make it two 4 line stanzas (make the flame inside the title, remove smoldering-i think its unneccesary-, put scorching with the three below) but thats not really a problem and its fine to not do that. the only line i have a problem with is stronger and pleasure dont rhyme very smoothly. also maybe id move the but to the end of the line above it. also there is no rhyming in untill the last stanza so that makes it awkward a bit. i like the parts that dont rhyme a lot more
>>17744541
very nice. the fifth line should be in the second stanza. "no man granted" is just a bit too long. the last line could be switched with the second from last so that the two rhyming schemes are the same.
>>17742666
trips confirm devilish

>>17744541
try reading the second verse first. Then you end it with the more powerful first verse.

>>17744486
Ah yes, the soul beating from within the springtrap of the heart, wishing to burst free. Cursed is the earth that separates us!

>>17743375
Aha! A classical theme of fairytales and videogames alike.

>>17742254
Ah yes! Paradise, what every man truly worship. It riches dwarfs the gods to pure vessels of transportation.

>MY TURN

Feel free to indulge in my books. Every chapter is followed by a poem to underscore it.
https://www.fictionpress.com/search/?keywords=synth+pill&ready=1&type=story

(Read slowly)

After ages of cuddles

Safe and sound

It befell the owner

To put the dearest pet

To rest in the ground

>>17744922
>try reading the second verse first. Then you end it with the more powerful first verse.
I mean, I'm biased asf bc I wrote it, but it just doesn't flow right imo doing it that way

>>17731756
Dawning light, bright pink
Bacon in the pan of night,
Crackling softly.

>>17745254
Remove the bacon

>>17739048
ctrz

its probably trash but here goes

A bleak path threads the unchartable domain. To the end of time and back again, ships ply the starless plane.

We hang motionless at hyperluminal speed. Light and matter have long since evaporated, but we must be wary and take heed.

The graves of stars still remain.

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