/lit/ - Literature

Where's your novel?

>>17700776
In my heart

I want to write a story that exposes women, please give me your best anecdotes about the evil nature of f*males

>>17700770
>Critiqued a few posts in last thread
>Shared my work in last thread
>No replies

>>17700868
Maybe no one replied because it was too good to need critiques

>>17700868
Post it, I'll spare some time before I start my writing session.

At least it’s not anime? I guess that’s a start.

>>17700868
how long is the excerpt?

>>17700896
ikr, anime guy threw a huge fit in the last thread. This is on-topic.

>>17700906
Yeah, that’s basically the end of dokidoki. It’s free on steam and only takes an hour or two to finish. Your plot is only the very end set piece, so there’s plenty of room to write your story and make it unique, but you should know what else is out there and not just accidentally rewrite the first chapter of snow crash 30 years after it came out.

I've critiqued a bunch of ppl's work in these threads but every time I try to solicit any feedback on my Substack before nope out because it asks for their email... but you can click below to read it without inputting your email. I'd appreciate if anyone did!

>https://goodperson.substack.com/

>>17700937
it gave me a virus

>>17700937
use a bin or a screenshot or something autist
>people don't like my host
>so i'm going to keep using it
i'll read it when you start using your skull a little

>>17700937
yo my firewall just blocked an .exe, wtf anon.

>>17700937
I don't get it. Is this your travel blog?

>>17700943
But people do... except 4chan. Most people like Substack for its speech policies, low content moderation, clean UX, etc. But as soon as anons see "email" they dip out for no comprehensible reason even though directly below it gives them the option to bypass.

Anyway, if you want the original draft it's below, hosted on my site:

>https://larthurhunt.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/second-language-final-draft-1-2.pdf

>>17700937
I really enjoy your observational style. I feel like I’m there next to you pointing and giggling at things. My problem with it is the headings are jarring and there’s no through line story. You could turn this into some real nice gonzo journalism if there was some sort of narrative going on. Even if it’s just you walking around in a linear, day by day, sort of way. Right now it’s a list of observations as opposed to experiences. It made the tangent about police bills a little jarring. That’s the kind of stuff DFW would have put in a tasty little footnote.

Over all I want you to write more of this, and then I want you to write more about how you fit into it.

>>17700955
>>https://larthurhunt.files.wordpress.com/2020/07/second-language-final-draft-1-2.pdf

>>17700948

Yeah, Substack is a newsletter platform. It's meant for building an audience outside of the algorithm ecosystem (Twitter, IG, etc.). Right now it's a travel blog with some rationalist and literary stuff peppered in in the same vein as Slate Star Codex. Basically I'll be on the road through the next few years and thought Substack would be a great way to keep writing about my experiences and observations on the road and how these societies and cultures relate to the North American experience (I'm Canadian). It'll be weekly installments.

I got 25 people to sign up, which is great. At least I know some people are going to read it. And that's the main benefit, once your work starts popping up in their inbox, it actually does get opened and read. The analytics proves that. But getting strangers to input their email is definitely a tall order.

>>17700958
Thanks, sincerely. Yeah, I could've truncated that section. As time progresses I probably will take a gonzo slant, but in the meantime there's a lot more cultural/political commentary going on than interesting anecdotes. I thought it'd be cool to keep a linear narrative out, so that people don't have to invest much time. I wanted a blog that in theory anyone could open, scroll to a random section, and have a little self-contained snippet right there that's interesting without needing any backstory or preamble. Where every section stands on its own.

>>17700982
It’s not about that section. Each vignette is fine, it’s the fact that each vignette isn’t connected is the problem. The bread flowers and the extreme detail of current police politics are both wonderful things to have, but without some sort of overarching narrative there is no flow to it and it feels like I’m reading someone’s notepad of a draft they never bothered to edit. This isn’t some encyclopedic venture, it’s a travel blog written in your observational voice, a voice that, without the context of your action or what led there, doesn’t hold a lot of weight. The voice tells me neat things, but why should I trust it, why should I be invested in this voice, why should I continue subscribing to this strange voice’s mailer?

I get that it isn’t your plan and no amount of rephrasing my key points is going to convince you otherwise because you already have spent time and thought on it structured exactly this way. I get it. Gonzo narrative would take effort and your vision would be ruined. I just think it has more potential than the format you currently have it in.

>>17700937
I commented on this once before, saying it was like a grade school field trip report, and I'm afraid that's what it still is. You go to france and the first thing you think about is baguettes? Can you get any more stereotypical? Your "observations" are childishly prejudiced, shallow, disconnected, and without any deeper thought behind them. The reader can't really tell if you went to France, or if you didn't just google search Paris. That's the level of detail we're talking about and it's not worth anybody's time.

If you're going to keep a travel journal/blog, the absolute least you can do is follow the standard article format.
>Introduction
Where did you go? Why did you go there? What were your expectations before the trip? How did you prepare?
>Main body
The main description of the places you went to and what you did there. Tell about your successes and setbacks. It's typical or travel blogs to talk about the main tourist attractions, hotels, and what the food was like, and the thoughts these inspired.
>Summary
How did the journey go? The good points and bad points. Were your initial expectations met, or were they not?

It's not very hard to make it interesting, but you're not there now.

>Want a story with awkward romance
>Can't make it awkward with gender bender because a lot of people will drop before reading
>If I make protag a guy, readers will probably deride him as an oblivious harem protag that failed to get a harem
>If I make protag a girl, then I'll get But how can a girl be a source of awkward romance, she's a girl, all she has to do is ask. Unless the other side is too rich/famous to care, then I'll get Oh, it's another chinese CEO story but worse.

>>17701041
>worrying about reader perception when writing romance
readers know what theyre signing up for
be a man and write what you want

>>17701006
I see, and I'll consider these suggestions. If I can find a way to tether them together - even if its some personal narrative, like relating them to my dicey mental well-being or (often failing) pursuit of discovering what it means to be a good person, doing good things, in a good society (as the name suggests), then I'll do that. In the meantime, these early posts are a matter of experimenting and seeing what does and doesn't work.

>>17701009
Yeah, you did. And thanks for that. Your critiques haven't really been echoed by others so I'm not sure where to place them. You also want me to be descriptive about tourist attractions, hotels, and food. These aren't things I'm interested in, and they've been beaten to death. You're right that I should look at alternative angles. The baguette stuff is cutesy. But if you read the earlier draft you'll notice I dedicated like 2k words to the rampant pedophilia that still exists among the French literary elite. That's not a run-of-the-mill fact that most readers are aware of. It speaks to that level of detail I think you're calling for. Also, not really interested in standard article formatting with a structured introduction. I already announce that I moved to France, that's really all that needs to be said.

>>17701041
>Can't make it awkward with gender bender because a lot of people will drop before reading
how do you know?

>>17701041
>readers will probably deride him as an oblivious harem protag that failed to get a harem
or they probably wont?

>>17701041
>then I'll get
maybe you wont?

>>17701041
>then I'll get
are you from the future, how o you know these things?

>>17701009
Further, I'm just a random guy. I don't really have strong credentials. I'm not sure why you would trust my voice, or anyone else's. I'd hope the quality of the writing stands for itself.

>>17701041
pick your poison. your readership will turn out toxic regardless so pick your fuckin poison.

>>17701086
>how do I know
Reading a lot of comments on NovelUpdates.

>>17701095
people who don't like it bitch
people who like it silently keep reading
don't be such a wuss, you clearly know your genre and niche
just write

>>17701095
>NovelUpdates.
>Novel Updates - Directory of Asian Translated Novels

a hyper weeb version of an already weeby royal road. Reader won't drop it because of what you listed. They'll drop it because you're probably going to make it weeby.

>>17701108
Nah, I wont add otaku oriented stuff like honorifics, superior katanas, wannabe bushido, or whatever is considered weeb nowadays..

>>17701108
>weeb site users
>dropping because of weeb tropes
?

>>17701115
But at the same time, it wont be whatever pseudo-medieval stuff, or serious space marines for serious people that I usually see in modern western books.

>>17701118
a weeb has an encyclopedic knowledge of all weeb materials, consequently all weeb fan fictions are diminutive in relation to this expansive database. the weeb desires new content, but the content being contributed cannot ever fulfill that desire, so they must attack it and treat it with disdain. they could escape, but they must weeb.

>>17701118
There's different tastes within weeb fiction

I'm trying this style out, I don't know if it's too little information or too forced to seem "lyrical", but I like some parts of it.
Please don't bully too much but let me know how I fucked up too.

1

>>17701198
The - shit is retarded, get rid of them

2

>>17701078
>>17701087
Okay, I get it, you're a retard. Let's leave it at that then.

>>17701205
we are all sensitive sweethearts here and we do not use that type of language.

>>17701199
If you mean the mid dialogue descriptions, I get what you mean. I'll try to put that in a paragraph and see how it goes.

>>17701198
>>17701200
STOP YELLING AT ME. DON'T HIT ME PLEASE! GOOFY NO! NOT THE BELT!

>>17701233
lmao why did you put this image in my mind, anon

>>17701228
Use punctuation marks properly like the educated person you ostensibly are, anon

Do writing groups do anything or are they just a waste of time?

>start writing in first person
>give character a distinctive voice that fits their personality
>two pages later I realized my narrator has adopted the same mannerisms as any third person narrator
I hate this. Is this one of those things that should be corrected in editing, or do I need to keep track of it constantly lets it becomes irrecoverable?

>>17704247
This completely depends on your editing method. Do you highlight or add notes to particular sections to remind yourself to rewrite it? When you edit, do you actually rewrite entire sections, or simply do grammar, punctuation, spelling edits? When you write a particular portion, are you able to pick it up again later or do you have the thing going on where a particular object of creation must be done within a particular time frame? I've known some musicians who have to finish the basics of a song in the same writing session, while others have been working on the same song for years.

Because writing is just you attempting to communicate things in a particular way, the answers to your question are dependent on you and your current process.

Intro to my story, let me know what you think

The cold air numbed his face. The trees cast a shadow upon the rugged dry earth. His boots were worn down, and would be tossed out by any individual who cared to dress fashionably, but Yalvito had no choice but to appear slovenly due to a life of mistakes, not learned from, and risks that cost him dearly. Should he be condemned to live his life over again, he would lament like he has never done before. Unfortunately for him, he did not believe in suicide, as the rest of his life would be even more miserable. In terms of statistics, there will always be an individual alive who is worse off than anybody else; this was Yalvito. This is his story.

>>17704311
you should never have read dostoyevsky

>>17704311
>It's a cold night, A guy is poor and regrets his past but wants to live on..
Did you need a paragraph for that?

>>17704320
hahaha. did you like my writing though?
>>17704363
you could sum up every single book in existence in less words..

>>17701198
seems a bit larpy, is this a way to replace traditional dialogue? its tried and true...

>>17704311
the first sentence sucks. that kind of sentence is so overused and shitty.

>>17704847
i appreciate that feedback, and agree

>>17704311
Most of this paragraph is telling, not showing.

>This is his story
So show me his story, don't tell me about this guy. Telling me all this means nothing.

>>17704969
this, though anon sounds like an english teacher, it stands true.

>>17704969
thanks for your feedback. What exactly does it mean to show rather than tell?
>This is his story
I agree this should be taken out

>>17700770
pic related: my first book published in 2019
It was shortlisted for an award in 2020 but didn't win.
New book coming out this year.

Haven't made a huge mark on the literary world and i still have to have a day job but still, i'm feeling pretty comfy about it.

>>17705130
This concept can be broken down simply. I could tell you about the skyline of Manhattan, or I could show/describe/illustrate the skyline of Manhattan. Your writing is not bad, actually. And while it might seem like you are writing descriptively, reading it aloud sounds a bit cut and dry. Right in the middle of the paragraph, there is this:

>Should he be condemned to live his life over again, he would lament like he has never done before.

This is sort of polarizing within the given information, and a bit sudden. But I would take this more as a micro-criticism and a nitpick. Otherwise Yalvito's story should continue, as the basis of this writing is sort of describing a lingering thought I have.

>>17705130
>What exactly does it mean to show rather than tell?
In short, demonstrate to the reader, don't tell the reader.

>Yalvito had no choice but to appear slovenly
How?

>due to a life of mistakes, not learned from, and risks that cost him dearly
Such as? Show me what he did, don't just tell me he made mistakes. E.g. I can just tell you he's a failed businessman; or I can mention that he invested in African rubber plantations, courted the mistress of the Czar, and bred racing horses.

>Should he be condemned to live his life over again, he would lament like he has never done before.
Poor word choice. ESL presumably?

>Unfortunately for him, he did not believe in suicide
Why not?

>as the rest of his life would be even more miserable
Not "as". Again, wrong choice of conjunctions.

>In terms of statistics, there will always be an individual alive who is worse off than anybody else
"Statistics" is a word used when you want to give a sense of mathematical precision, but this whole paragraph is trying for emotion and sentiment; hence it does not fit here. Strictly "statistically" I'm quite sure he's NOT the most unfortunate person alive. And again the word choice in the rest of the sentence is not quite right.

>this should be taken out
Hence all said and done, the failure of the final line is really in the paragraph before it; it sounds too grandiose to end such an ordinary and flawed paragraph. Now if one had written something like

>He dominated European and global affairs for decades, and led his country against a series of national coalitions. He won most of these wars and the vast majority of his battles, building an empire that ruled over nearly all of continental Europe before its final collapse. He was imprisoned, escaped, made one last desperate cast for glory, and failed. He died alone, penniless, ignored and shut away in a remote prison in the farthest and most inhospitable corners of the world. One of the greatest commanders in history, his wars and campaigns are still studied today at military schools worldwide. He also remains one of the most celebrated and controversial political figures in history.
>This is his story.

Given a fantastic paragraph like that, then the sentence deserves to be there.

>>17705222
>>17705409
the constructive criticism is much appreciated. Thank you

Good news /wg/! I've come up with a dorky little side quest to start my next book on give my first act some fun and magic while still sticking to the themes of the story (and throwing in a really stupid chekov's gun)

My opening, pls feedback. Short, personal essay, will be 1500-2000 words total.


Far in the isolation of the Great Basin Desert, a small, golden valley sits, surrounded by fields of dry sagebrush and faded hills. Lit brilliantly beneath a setting sun, I should have been taking photographs, or at least admiring the glorious scene. Instead, I was digging.


Driven by sadness and curious apathy, I’d plowed my Honda Civic through the bushes and rocks, following a barely-there road that crossed from the Utah desert into the Nevada desert. Somehow I’d made it to the valley, but after all the dusty miles, as I swung around a bend, the road dissolved into powder and my car sunk right in. Unthinking, I tried to accelerate. Great waves of sand spat into the air and my car dug into deep ruts until I found myself high-centered, sunk completely to the undercarriage. No cell service. No civilization. An empty desert, mockingly serene all around me, trapping me.


Digging furiously, hands clawing at the sand, I glared at the sun. It fell slowly, a ticking clock. Sweat beaded on my neck.

>>17706186
A follow up, retard question.
Here's a paragraph from later in the essay:

>Tearing into the sand, I fought panic. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t have come out here. I can’t hike out. No food. No signal. Nobody knows I’m out here. The sun dipped beyond the horizon, and a chill filled the air. I kept digging.

Is it acceptable to show thoughts as present tense when the essay is past tense? If I'm trying to express thoughts coming across my consciousness it seems weird to think "I shouldn't be here. I couldn't hike out" instead of "I can't hike out" even though it changes tense. Is there best practice for this?

>>17706186
>Driven by sadness and curious apathy, I’d plowed my Honda Civic through the bushes and rocks
This sentence threw me off. Why are you sad? I don't know. Describe the car the same way you do the scenery, or don't at all; specifying Honda Civic is a terrible halfway house. Say either "car" and have done, or say "my rusty, musty and trusty Honda Civic".

>Is it acceptable to show thoughts as present tense when the essay is past tense?
It is acceptable as you are reporting as if in dialogue form what you thought then, but from your first paragraph it looks like your essay is mainly in present tense. You'd better check up on your tenses carefully.

That's another mistake that >>17704311 makes.

>>17706396
Damn you're right, can't believe I missed that opening sentence tense.
Regarding "Honda Civic" my intent was to point out it was a vehicle that had no place in the desert, but again you're right. I'll figure a way to improve that.
The sadness is explained later, hopefully that one can hold out as it's very short and I'm hoping the story comes together in pieces, but I appreciate knowing it threw you. Thanks for some genuine feedback, Anon.

>>17706620
Well, this is what beta reading is for.

>my intent was to point out it was a vehicle that had no place in the desert
Then you'll have to say so. No worries anon, I've only just learned this myself, but my writing progressed by leaps and bounds when I did.