/lit/ - Literature

I wanna rub genitals with my best friend

The garbage group is reconsidering FF Smith. Ffef is a proud traveler with pink breasts and round legs. A dozen people went to the window and looked around at the noise. He always loved the cold Berlin and the scary hills. That was an incredibly malicious, port-aware wine. This is F. Smith's proud man. Dozens of screams. She explored the idea. Then he saw something in the distance or someone. Molasses and ginger legs. His friends thought he was a violent and anxious coward. In the past, a light bulb even saved him from a burning building. But even the amazing man who saved the light bulb from the burning building was not ready for the current zebra store.

The city cried out like an ostrich and ten people fell asleep. Dozens of people grabbed the scattered ribs nearby. She rubbed her fingers. There was a big smile on his face as the garbage came out. "I came here because I want peace," he said. He hit 12 boxes with 2941 monkeys. I love dozens of groups. "Husband, get out of my house," he replied.

They are sinners, two beautiful and terrifying hummingbirds do good work, music is played in the background, or two rebellious uncles jump out. I look at myself emotionally. Darth studied blurred nipples and round legs. Finally he took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I can't give peace," he said sadly. Semedef looked very happy, his body was like a pompom, like a perfect piano. In fact, dozens of people could hear the body of the FF broken into 830 pieces. Then the proud traveler ran away.

Even a perfect port can't calm ten nerves tonight.

>>16590572
I wanna rub genitals with my friend
In the sun, above the gates of hell
The heavens watching
Blades of grass tickling us
Feels as if God is providing French tickles
The heat radiates from absolutely everywhere but our testicles maintain fresh
Soft skin discovering itself, as beautiful and deep as the grand canyon
Our testicle crevices seem to inviting
Just rubbing genitals in the sun
With my friend

>>16590553
I don't like pastebin desu I prefer text in the thread

>>16590580
remove the first the

He ran her to the bathroom and bolted the door, he was shaking. Standing, he pressed himself behind her, lifting up her tight short dress, brought his hands to her mouth, she spit, he stroked his cock, pulled aside her thing, glided his fat penis in her pussy pouch. With one arm around her waist her shoved her body against himself, and the other arm over her shoulder, his hand clutching her jaw, biting and licking and sucking her face, all the while keeping his eyes open and feeling all of himself slowly coming undone in her soft warm silky smooth body. They stood still, like a statue, for an eternal moment. Her phone vibrated. They quickly cleaned up and returned to the dinner table where her family had been waiting. As food and small talk passed around the table, under it he found his way into her hand, and clutched it. She brought it between her legs, and turned her head to smile at him. He would try very hard, at that moment, not to do what he felt like doing, which was to cry. For the first time in what had felt like forever, he felt a simple and calm happiness making circles around his head.

>>16590580
The if and/or but though, why? If why and the this but to of... Then though and throughout the if (and the and/or/but) through to the the, then who? Than who? No who. Whomsoever whomst the and/or/but/through. If but why... and though the if and why should amidst, whereupon those amidst may not, however amidst the amidst, the the/and/or/but/why.

>>16590699
>The if and/or but though, why? If why and the this but to of... Then though and throughout the if (and the and/or/but) through to the the, then who? Than who? No who. Whomsoever whomst the and/or/but/through. If but why... and though the if and why should amidst, whereupon those amidst may not, however amidst the amidst, the the/and/or/but/why.
There once the, and the the thoroughly once the. This the, of the they, amidst the around. Under the around, the "amid with," the and the. The and The. For the and the, if no if or but around, "amidst with." If if and/or but around, "amidst without." Yet, the and the:

The: "if the"
The: "but the"

If the and but the. The the -- the and the: amidst without.

I love Stein so fucking much bros. I would tear that ass up immediately after I stopped shaking from my paralyzing deathly nervousness

>>16590699
>>>16590580 #
>The if and/or but though, why? If why and the this but to of... Then though and throughout the if (and the and/or/but) through to the the, then who? Than who? No who. Whomsoever whomst the and/or/but/through. If but why... and though the if and why should amidst, whereupon those amidst may not, however amidst the amidst, the the/and/or/but/why.
>>16590774
>>>16590699#
>>The if and/or but though, why? If why and the this but to of... Then though and throughout the if (and the and/or/but) through to the the, then who? Than who? No who. Whomsoever whomst the and/or/but/through. If but why... and though the if and why should amidst, whereupon those amidst may not, however amidst the amidst, the the/and/or/but/why.
>There once the, and the the thoroughly once the. This the, of the they, amidst the around. Under the around, the "amid with," the and the. The and The. For the and the, if no if or but around, "amidst with." If if and/or but around, "amidst without." Yet, the and the:
>The: "if the"
>The: "but the"
>If the and but the. The the -- the and the: amidst without.
The and the amidst with: why if and but? If the and the, then they. If amidst about, the...|...the. No. If the and but the. No. If no if, no but, the...|...eht. Yes. No if the; no but the. Yes. They. But how? When an if and no but, or when but and no if. No more if, no more but, no more if the, no more but the. No more if but.
The and the. the...|...eht .eht dna ehT

>>16579674

Hello Anon, I hope you find this here in the new thread. I saw you soliciting critique near the end of the old thread, but I had no time to critique at that point. Now that I'm back I will post critique of short stories and excerpts from the last thread here in hopes that someone finds them useful.

You said it was your first time writing prose in first person, so I'll try to focus on the perspective and follow that up with anything else that I noted while reading.

The strangest thing about your perspective is that you try to give exposition to the audience that the character rationally shouldn't know. For example, "The compound itself was made of only two buildings, one which appeared to be the
mess hall, office, and dorms, while the other was storage." This is something this unnamed character shouldn't know because he is looking at the exterior of two buildings he is unfamiliar with. He shouldn't know that one is storage and one is for work. He could know by sight that the buildings are covered in runes, but he shouldn't know that 'anything of value' also has runes since he is a new arrival at the mine and has no knowledge of the compounds valuables.

This gets to one major point about the prose in general, which ties into your perspective choice. You have a first person character who is a 'fish-out-of-water' archetype. This lends itself well to descriptive storytelling i.e. showing instead of telling. However, when the character looks at something new or strange he addresses it with understanding and disinterest. "It was built entirely of wood, built of wood when stone was stacked in piles and left untouched while the nearest source of timber was many days away." How would the character know that the nearest timber is many days away if he has to be led by guards to this mine in the mountains. "It placed an ineffable sense of fear in the pit of my stomach." Is also telling instead of showing. I get the feeling that the 'camera', which should be looking out of his eyes, is behind his shoulder. It creates an uncomfortable distance between the reader and character. However, at the start of any story, let alone a novel, the reader should be immersed into the character as quickly as possible to create a feeling of investment.

Think of a reader picking up your book with your character in it. This is a killer, holding your child hostage. You want your child to humanize themselves in the mind of that killer as soon as possible to give them as great a pause as possible before murdering your child (putting down the book).

I'm probably low on space again so I'll give you a second post of critique covering some line edits and rewrites. Either way, thank you for the contribution anon, hope you see this and good luck with your writing.

>>16591781
2/3
So the first thing I want to cover is a reiteration of importance of character introduction. Since you have selected the genre of fantasy look to the foundational texts of your genre. The Fellowship of the Ring begins, "When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced..." The start of The Hobbit first gives a description of a hobbit's dwelling and then, "This hobbit was a very well-to-do hobbit, and his name was Baggins." If this is to old fashioned and you insist on the latest top sellers for comparison Game of Thrones begins with a prologue that opens, ""We should start back," Gared urged as the woods began to grow dark around them...Ser Wymar Royce asked..." This opens with a group of characters, all quickly named and sketched into archetypes (the old-hand, haughty noble, scared recruit). In 750 words of In the Mountain we get little characterization. I cannot tell you what the archetype of this character is, for example. He is a convict, rightfully or wrongfully imprisoned I can't say.

One way you can characterize this man is by showing us a greater depth of reaction to his situation. The tension can build as he questions the rumors he has heard about the swiftly approaching mountain and his strange captors. Alternatively, cut everything here and start even more in media res by throwing him directly into prison. His reaction to the sudden shift of location will generate his personality via confrontation and conflict.

The reason I suggest this cut (this comes up very often in work-shopping classes as well) is that it does little to push the narrative. Instead it feels like the warm up to your actual performance. Nothing critical happens until the end (he enters the Mt.), little characterization occurs, and the description of the mountains exterior doesn't seem like it would greatly influence his time inside the mining compound.

Since this is a prose thread, here are some line edits and prose advice. I'll do a quick rewrite of the first paragraph to give you an example of the changes to POV I would expect as well as the conciseness of language you can achieve while developing the narrative progression at the same, or a more expedient, pace.
"I was urged forward by spears, bound in chains and destined for the Gossik mountains. My raw wrists and ankles chapped under the harsh wind. An electric storm broke as we approached the compound."
I have several reasons to cut lines like, "The harsh wind roared in my ears, smelling of electricity and rot, cutting though my flesh, sinew and bone with its unnatural sting." You move through to many sensory details to quickly, never giving the reader a chance to rest. First the ears, then nose, then touch. There is also the narrative exposition inherent in 'unnatural' sting. What does that mean? How does that feel? Is it important that the sting is unnatural? Is the storm important if the character is lead through it and dropped into prison? Be concrete.

>>16591781
>>16592062
3/3

I'll continue on with some line edits for you.
"My eyes prickled at the sight and I was forced to avert my gaze, for fear of the unworldly energies entering me, and surely that was what they were doing. They wore thick woolen robes, bedecked in arrays ancient runes, offering them protection from the Vortex's unfathomable pull, none of which was afforded to me. My errant gaze earned me the prick of a spear just below my left scapula."
The character doesn't need to explain his reactions (telling) but react (showing), "I looked away from the violet energy swirling on the winds" or simply "I looked away" is a much stronger construction. Again, tempering the protagonists understanding he shouldn't know that the robes are 'offering them protection from the Vortex' but might note that they aren't afraid or affected by the strange magic. He might then reasonably question the meaning of the runic symbols or posit by deduction that the symbols might be the reason they are unmoved by the 'unworldly' display. Also, in this fantasy world, why does this character note that he has been cut on the scapula? Using 'shoulder' instead may prevent readers from breaking their suspension of disbelief when hearing real Latin terms for lacerations.

Note that the next paragraph also starts with the character telegraphing his eye movement. You have a problem with pacing and inclusion here. You may feel the need to fill out the paragraphs between movement so march to the mountain doesn't seem too fast or too slow, but this information isn't needed and when you feel compelled to pad the runtime you may realize that the reason you're adding filler is because the narrative lacks substance. This is what I was talking about before when I said in 750 words not much happens. The movement of the story so far is only the character traveling towards a plot point. Something should either happen before he reaches the compound, which alters his arrival and stay at the compound, or it should be cut to his eventful arrival at the compound.

And then the next paragraph also mentions his eyes and a lack of vision. The reader doesn't need to know every feeling and thought going through his head, only the relevant ones. Thinking of this like a movie scene may help you. If the camera pans down to his chaffed and manacled wrists describing that is fine. If he skirts across a narrow cliff face, that's fine. These are things we can see and therefore things you can show. Remember too, that the protagonist is the locus of understanding in first person POV. Instead of saying ' the three behind me had taken care to imprint that memory into my bones' Say, "I paused and tested the narrow cliff. The sharp pain of a spear pushed me forward." From this the reader can infer that the guards don't have 'room for me in their hearts' instead of being told.

I'll stop here for now anon. If anyone else in the thread has something they would like critiqued, please feel free to post.