/lit/ - Literature

Also, for the non-Anglo posters (it's pm for EU rn), I can give feedback for poems in German, French, and kinda Italian too.

>>16542808
Will bump once and if there are no takers I'll just let it archive.

>>16542808
Ideally I'd write good devotional poetry. Every poem I read I invariably see or link it to God, so I suppose that's where I want to head towards.

disclaimer, this is my first poem:
>The Rascal
>Rascal, go to bed
>What are you doing at this hour
>It's time to recharge your power
>Do not too far ahead
>Lest you'll be half dead
>
>For in the morrow you must perform
>Without sorrow nor with scorn
>Your holy duties to our Lord
>Which you all have but ignored

>>16543152
slight correction:
>do not GO too far ahead

>>16542808
I don't have a poem but that's a nice picture anon

I do it as a means of artistic self exploration/self knowledge and have no aspirations other than that really.

Here’s two poems do whichever you find preferable to critique.

I wish to get drunk with my friend

“ You are the secret fire in my broken heart
Your tender secrets and love to me impart
Whether as Aleph or omega thou art
My intoxication and the star of my chart

This world can’t keep me from you my dearest Love
Come therefore and rest in my heart like a dove
my soul aches my friend, my soul seeks to go above

to the firmament of intoxication
where dwell my lover in annihilation

come drink wine and sing with me my only true friend”

It’s about the heavenly wine of the presence of God. Also the 12 11 11 12 etc syllable count is intentional.

Waves of fire in the sky

“ Waves of blue fire in the sky
Light mingles with waves and the water
The raindrops of light in my eye
the blue flames of heaven’s altar
boundless space is your great temple
you are the center and special”

I saw blue flames in the sky going in and out and saw them contrasting to beams of light mingling with the ocean and its waves, I saw mentally endless seas and lights, an endless world and mentally I imagined in the center of all points in this infinite place was the presence of God and this blue fire was the holy flame of his altar in the firmament.

>>16543173

Durer’s work is great

>>16543152
This reminds me of something Luther would right and it's largely relatively simple. Globally, use punctuation, it adds both pacing when read aloud and clarity when read visually.

The Rascal
>Rascal, go to bed
This rhymes with your last two lines in this stanza and then in your next stanza the first line doesn't rhyme with the last two - if you're going to keep it this short, have it be consistent.
>What are you doing at this hour
You use bedtime here but then don't bring it up later - keep the theme consistent for this long of a poem.
>It's time to recharge your power
I almost wonder if you want to use "borrow," because power should come from God in this sense, no?
>Do not go too far ahead
Up to hear, it's been a nice calm poem, this throws me off content wise (why ahead? go where?)
>Lest you'll be half dead
So, largely, poetry works by Lyotard's understanding of language, where you take senses and mix them together, good poetry comes from taking surprising descriptors / words from one sense and putting them together. So, with this, you want to think about the philosophical implication of not resting properly, and then tease that out.

>For in the morrow you must perform
Perform isn't the right word here for a devotional poem, you want something that is true and not just a performance. Also, "the morrow" isn't necessary, just tomorrow. I would recommend these be: "For tomorrow you most become
Dreams where nightmares do not come."
>Without sorrow nor with scorn
See above.
>Your holy duties to our Lord
This line almost says nothing but at the same time sets up the actual purpose of the poem.
>Which you all have but ignored
Which you have all but ignored* just for order.

Rascal, also, from a sound perspective, doesn't tie in nicely with how the rest of the poem sounds. Overall, it's a really pleasant first poem. Think of it this way:
- Keep themes consistent (bed, night-time, etc.)
- Intermix senses
- Create some joke if you're going to use the word "Rascal"

>>16543173
Thank you! It's from Albrecht Duerer ("U" umlaut)

>>16542808
i wrote this

>>16543173
>>16543220
>>16543227
>In vain we look for a single vigorously developed root, for a spot of fertile and healthy soil: everywhere there is dust and sand; everything has become rigid and languishes. One who is disconsolate and lonely could not choose a better symbol than the knight with death and devil, as Dürer has drawn him for us, the armored knight with the iron, hard look, who knows how to pursue his terrible path, undeterred by his gruesome companions, and yet without hope, alone with his horse and dog. Our Schopenhauer was such a Dürer knight; he lacked all hope, but he desired truth. He has no peers.
t. Nietzsche

>>16543189
Just doing the first one:
>I wish to get drunk with my friend
Titles are broadly bs and a waste of time to think about unless it really provides an added hint, but I'd honestly re-think this one to just something shorter "Drinking with friends," just sounds so much more homey.

>You are the secret fire in my broken heart
>Your tender secrets and love to me impart
So these two are obviously supposed to go together (and skimming over the last poem), you have an issue with repeating the same word rather than the same concept said differently. Replace the first "secret" with "hidden" and you'll immediately see the improvement (Virgil is the master at this).
>Whether as Aleph or omega thou art
Thou is too old timey and sounds awkard, just say "your." I also think that alpha is a worthy substitution for Aleph, even though Aleph is the Greek and honors the biblical nature, the poem is in English and that's just more common (also, don't see a Borges reference).
>My intoxication and the star of my chart
"My intoxication from the star on my chart"
Prepositions are the most important part of poems, they give pacing and let you give some verve to a really standard sentence.


>This world can’t keep me from you my dearest Love
So this contradicts what you say in the first stanza that they're in your heart. Be careful with that.
>Come therefore and rest in my heart like a dove
Same as above, would consider re-thinking these two.
>my soul aches my friend, my soul seeks to go above
Note the double "soul," again, and even though you could argue that it is parallel to "secret"x2, I don't necessarily see it as impactful.

>to the firmament of intoxication
>where dwell my lover in annihilation
I believe at this point you've lost a friend that you can't drink with, and so at this point you need to contrast that with something around not drinking. I'd make the second line "Where you dwell in dry annihilation."

>come drink wine and sing with me my only true friend
This is a really sad ending but you are missing exactly the thing that is a blockage in the poem that shows how he can't. I would probably change this to something around flowing, or heartbeats, that ties back to the original notion of a heart. Also, the concept of secret could be used more in the second half.

>>16543257
Can you post the text of it if you want me to review it?

>>16543314
I cannot copy-paste from a photo

>>16543317
I'm not typing that up for ya, chief

>>16542808

I wrote this yesterday

You want to be safe?
Put every article of clothing you have of your favourite colour in a big burlap sac, attach it to the end of of fishing rod, and rest it over your shoulder
Run away from home. Head West if it's sunny, head East if it's overcast. Give your phone to a hobo along the way but don't tell him the password. Stop walking exactly one hour after your feet begin to hurt and build a cabin in the nearest woods.
Learn the mandolin and perform Christmas song's on it in the nearest town's centre.
Run for office and petition to have the roads narrowed.
Flip a coin. If it lands on heads become a born-again Christian. If it lands on tails convert to Judaism.
Become fluent in Mandarin and move to Chinatown in New York City.
Start a hedge fund. Marry an impoverished Russian girl. Pay for her to live lavishly and sail the Nile together.
Become an arms dealer in Somalia and then start a textiles factory in Bangladesh
Write an anarchist manifesto, become a chess grandmaster, join the Swedish military.
But whatever you do, don't stay in your room.

>>16543322
What's preventing you from just reading it from the image?

>>16543328
This is a microfiction and not a poem. I can't do line by line and so I can't actually give you proper feedback, also, not clear on your goals.

>>16543330
No

>>16543227
Sir, thank you very much for your critique. I have got my second poem here which is, by my estimation, the epitome of try-hard amateurish poetry with forced rhyme. But since I have already submitted a poem I would not blame you if you choose not to critique it.

I feel somewhat self-conscious submitting this because the discrepancies are innumerable and glaringly obvious, even for my standards. This is my humble attempt to write down my emotions in regards to dealing with the appalling temptations of this world without much regard to poetic form or any sort of consistency.

>The witch of earthly delight,
>makes darkness seem bright.
>Even though we know what is right,
>we wish to enjoy her with all our might.
>Remember we must, that at any time we can choose the light.
>
>Weaving her web, which renders us lame.
>Still, we only have ourselves to blame.
>
>For it is us, who fervently pray;
>To have a taste of rot and decay.
>
>A high regard for the unholy
>Agony is our ecstasy
>
>When will it change?

>>16543152
>>Do not too far ahead
>>Lest you'll be half dead
So, tell us about your influences.

>>16543398
Sorry lost feedback the first time and retyping so I'll be much shorter and to the point.

Need a title
>The witch of earthly delight,
Delete comma
>makes darkness seem bright.
Add "even" after makes
>Even though we know what is right,
Remove "even"
>we wish to enjoy her with all our might.
Switch agency, so it reads "She wishes that we enjoy her with all our might."
>Remember we must, that at any time we can choose the light.
Remove "remember we must"


>Weaving her web, which renders us lame.
"Web" and "lame" don't tie to anything, so rethink this.
>Still, we only have ourselves to blame.
Heavy-handed feedback, "The witch's only trick is that she is to blame."

>For it is us, who fervently pray;
>To have a taste of rot and decay.
You're implying that only the faithful can taste the decay, but the syntax doesn't allow for that.


>A high regard for the unholy
>Agony is our ecstasy
High + regard are floating. Add "The" before "agony."


>When will it change?
Delete.

>>16543497
This thread has a height limit. Leave.

>>16543398
Largely speaking, pic related is how amateur poet's try to write. They basically try to get at a concept by taking unrelated things that each point towards the same thing, however, this is actually an issue of perspective, the goal, is for the poem to BE the seed, not to describe it - this is why poetry and "to make" are so similar. Essentially, you're not describing a concept, by writing the poem, you're giving the concept its definition. Takes practice (techne) and confidence, but it's possible. Also, keep the things related somehow, and if there are disconnected ideas, make sure they are disconnected for a reason.

>>16543513
>>16543588
Once again, thank you so much for bearing with me.
I have one question though, what do you mean when you write:
>High + regard are floating.

>>16543307

Thanks for the critique but it kinda failed since the point of the poem is the idea of god as a friend and the love-presence shared by each other is the Wine.

I personally enjoy repetition of words but I’ll definitely try it more.

Replacing thou with your removes the syllable count and removes the divine reference (thou art=Atah, a divine title of God in Hebrew) and also I like old timey!

Aleph and omega isn’t actually referencing Borges, Aleph is being used to reference the Hebrew system of mysticism and philosophy and omega the Greek systems. (stuff like platonism, orphism, etc)
The modification doesn’t really work for the chart part, the star of my chart refers to the concept of God as the singular star among the host which you follow on your course.

The world not being is referring to the world and its illusions not being able to obscure the presence of god.

Annihilation is actually a reference to the Sufi concept of Faana, in which your sense of self and self conception are annihilated with the presence and perception of God.

Thanks again anyways for the attempt it’s just the modifications don’t really work for my intents.

>>16543588
To wit, and because I'm bored. Art's goal, and how art essentially goes from low art to high art, is that its symbolism, or internal grammar, mirrors how the subconscious works (read Freud's Psychopathology of Everyday life for more on this).

>>16543650
See this:
>>16543588
>>16543664

>>16543652
Sure thing - definitely didn't read it as what your statements are. I meant to keep "art" btw for the thou comment.

>>16543652
Side note, have you happened to have read Rumi's Naswani? If so, what'd you think of it? Worth?

I don't usually write free verse, but seeing that it is the thing that wins literary prizes nowadays I decided to come back to writing it for a while, any feedback is appreciated.
I'm an ETL and I want to be a successful, published poet


The afternoon wind licked our hair
Like a loyal dog
As we ran in circles
around the house
Our voices
And laughter
Combined in a sort of ambiance
To protect our house from bad omens.

In August we moved
And the house burned down.

We didn't laugh enough.

>>16543713

I enjoy Rumi but I prefer iqbal and Jami and especially hallaj

>>16543727
Need a title - I suggest "Watchdog".
>The afternoon wind licked our hair
>Like a loyal dog
>As we ran in circles
>around the house
Add period at end.
>Our voices
>And laughter
>Combined in a sort of ambiance
Ambiance can be the right word here, but I almost would go with "Atmosphere," due to weather above.
>To protect our house from bad omens.
I'd actually say that the first stanza overall, though a little choppy for my personal preference, is pretty good.

>In August we moved
>And the house burned down.
This is really out of place, not because you stopped protecting the house, but because of "August." I know there's the parallel between afternoon and August and I know it's artistically defensible, but it's just not powerful. There's no violence. You killed the demons of the house and you failed. I don't sense the violence.

>We didn't laugh enough.
Same comment as to August. Additionally, it directly contradicts your first stanza and from there, this seems almost awkward.

Being totally honest, I think this is the stuff that sells and you're doing the right thing if you want to be successful, but it's just not my taste.


>>16543784
Oooh never heard of any of them. Will check them out, much appreciated!!!

>>16543817
Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it, but, sorry if this question is stupid, how does the last line contradict the first stanza? The narrator feels as if the house wouldn't burn if they merely ran around and laughed a bit more.

>>16543869
Sorry I should clarify. This is hyper nuanced and probably stupid, but, I would put the word "just" after "we." As it is written, it reads as a blanket contradiction.

>>16543940
Thanks once again. I'll contemplate it.

>>16543307
>>16543307
>Replace the first "secret" with "hidden" and you'll immediately see the improvement (Virgil is the master at this).
>Prepositions are the most important part of poems, they give pacing and let you give some verve to a really standard sentence.
Listen to this guy

>"Where you dwell in dry annihilation."
to the firmament of delights
where my [star] lover[s] thirst[s] for annihilation

>come drink wine and sing with me my only true friend
"one true friend" more salutary to God/'s presence; "one true friend' would broach on maudlin when the target's apophatic

The Pint

what a beautiful glass, this pint
a brimming liquid I could die
in the desert dreaming of
but here is no gobi nor sahara
but niagara
down it goes, this pint
and the next

The Pint

what a beautiful glass, this pint
a brimming liquid I could die
in the desert dreaming of
but here is no gobi nor sahara
but niagara
down it flows, this pint
and the next

>>16543398
>>16543588
>Essentially, you're not describing a concept, by writing the poem, you're giving the concept its definition. Takes practice (techne) and confidence, but it's possible.
The veil of verisimilitude is broken in film when the actors become exposition puppets for the authorial demiurge; same effect is described by OP above. What the nuggets look like stripped down to the images:

witch, garden of earthly delights
falsity, moral astigmatism
reticence, concupiscence
moral failure/weakness, original sin
backdoor redemption, willfulness

spider, enfeeblement, mutilation
collaborator

fiending appetites
self-consumption

impiety, idolatry
self-torture, confusion, bedlam

core essence/should be in mind when choosing a title

>>16542808
You still around anon? I have a poem I can post

The Pint

what a beautiful glass, this pint
a brimming liquid I could die
in the desert dreaming of
but here is no gobi nor sahara
but niagara
down it flows, this pint
and the next
and I live on, falling

>>16544322
Hey OP here. Change brimming to dreaming, dreaming to brimming, here to yhere, remove down, remove and before i live

>>16542808
>Goal
I want to be a better writer, I'm open to the idea of writing a novel or a collection of poems in the future but I feel my writing isn't evolved or mature enough for a major project like that at this stage.
>Context
This poem I plan on submitting to an online literary jorunal. I submitted them a short story last edition and although they didn't publush it, they encouraged me to send more since my story was one of the final contenders. This edition's theme is "Red". I'm not too handy with the proper poetic terms but I think I wrote it in catalectic trochaic tetrameter and I tried to stick to it as much as possible. Hope you can spare some time OP.

>>16542808
Man, I got a coin for my friend as a present with that exact painting etched into it and even wrote a small poem that tied in the background of the painting to his life (in a very good way) and he gave to me, a few months later, a shitty box of perfume he picked up at a mall.

I don't bother doing thoughtful gifts anymore. Fuck people.

>>16545474
To add on, the coin was super badass.

inadequate thoughts
permeate my space
without any grace

why is it cringe?